Tag Archives: asexuality

The ace community is full of people who mostly afab. I think I’m asking what are your views/concepts/ideas etc on the topic.

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Q: I think its obvious that the queer community, and I think specifically the ace community is full of people who mostly afab (regardless of later cis or trans identities). I don’t want to ask the question how do we fix this, because the answer is consistently education, as it should be. I think I’m asking what are your views/concepts/ideas etc on the topic.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that the wider queer community is mostly AFAB people.  Some corners are, but others are heavily AMAB.  But, I’m not an expert on demographics, and that’s outside of my area, so I’ll leave it there.

Now, about the ace community, that’s absolutely true.  The periodic censuses that are done show it, and even just an informal glance at the people involved shows that.  According to the latest census, less than 10% of the ace community are cis-males.  And I don’t think that breakdown reflects reality.

I’ve got some anecdotal hypotheses about why that is (none of which have been proven or even really explored):

    • Women are “supposed” to be asexual, while men are “supposed” to be hypersexual.
    • Women are “allowed” to talk about their feelings, while men are expected to keep it bottled up.  This also means that women are probably more likely to hear about asexuality from other women, while men are more likely to hear about asexuality from absolutely no one.
    • Online message boards and forums on these sorts of topics tend to skew towards a female audience, which introduces sampling bias.  (Also likely why many of the same surveys show a predominance of or introverts.)
    • The belief that erection == attraction.
    • Fear of ridicule for being anything other than a practicing heterosexual.

General awareness of asexuality would help, but beyond that, I think there are issues that specifically need to be addressed regarding asexual men.

First, the idea that a functioning penis has any bearing on sexual orientation needs to be thrown out.  I might very well have discovered that I was asexual years earlier, if I hadn’t been so caught up on that.  You can be asexual and get erections.  You can be asexual and masturbate.  You can be asexual and have orgasms.  And you can be asexual and enjoy all of the above.

Second, the people who mock asexuality as the emasculated beta-male byproduct of feminism need to be destroyed.  (They need to be destroyed in general, but also specifically because of this.)  I am not asexual because women are allowed to vote or work or wear pants or generally be treated like human beings.  I am not asexual because I’m afraid that I’ll be sued for harassment if I even look in the direction of a woman. I am asexual because I’m not sexually attracted to anyone.

I was wondering if you ever sort of came out to your parents and what their response was if so.

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Q: Hey, I was wondering if you ever sort of came out to your parents and what their response was if so. I understand you are probably older that me and no longer live near your parents but my mom found a text I sent a friend when I was younger about my asexuality and now brings it up occasionally to tell me how “disturbing” it is, just want some advice

I did come out to my parents.  I did it with an impersonal post on Facebook that they didn’t even notice at first…  They accepted it, but it’s not like I was telling something they hadn’t already figured out.  I never had a girlfriend in high school or college.  After college, there was a short lived, long-distance relationship, then no one.  I never talked about girls (or guys, for that matter).  Over the years, they just stopped asking when I was going to get a girlfriend, and basically just accepted that it wouldn’t happen.  So, when I came out, I was just putting a word on what they already knew.

For your particular situation, I don’t know if I would be the best to give advice.  These pages might help you:

Advice: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/asexuals-on-coming-out-advice/

Experiences: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/asexuals-on-coming-out-experience/

Are you only going to date asexuals or are you open to dating other sexual people?

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Q: I’m an acefluid female interested in males. I’ve been worried that I won’t be able to find a guy (when I start dating) who will respect that I’m acefluid. I would preferably only date an asexual guy, but only time will tell. If I can find a sexual guy who respects that I don’t wanna have sex, then I’d date him. I guess my question is this: are you only going to date asexuals or are you open to dating other sexual people?

Personally, I’m not really interested in dating anybody.  It’s just not my thing.  I had an opportunity to try to start something with an asexual person last year and none of it felt right.  The one girlfriend that I had years ago was definitely not asexual.

What have you had to deal with being an asexual male?

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Q: What have you had to deal with being an asexual male? Like, me being an asexual female, I know it’s difficult dealing with a sex-obsessed culture. What about you? How do you deal with living such a sex-obsessed culture? Do you have any tips for how I can get along easier?

I think what was the hardest for me was not knowing that asexuality was even a thing.  I was told by society that I was supposed to be obsessed with sex, that I was supposed to want as much as I could get and get it as often as I could.  I was told that my penis was supposed to control me.  I was told that only an inability to get an erection would stop me from being driven by sex (and that there was a pill for that, if that happened…).  I was told that I was supposed to desire hot celebrities, that short skirts, blonde hair, and big breasts were supposed to drive me wild.

But there was none of that.

I spent years wondering what was wrong with me.  Why didn’t I want it?  Why didn’t I need it?  Why didn’t it drive me?  It was supposed to.  It would make sense if I were gay, but I wasn’t.  It would make sense if I couldn’t get it up, but I could.  So what was wrong with me?

When I discovered asexuality, I realized that those things didn’t apply to me and didn’t have to apply to me.  I think in some ways, I simply stay out of the more sex-obsessed parts of culture.  I don’t belong there, and it’s fine that I don’t.

Did you ever think anything differently about your gender in relation to your asexuality?

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Q: I’m a non-binary, AMAB asexual, and I wanted your take on this. Going through high school, I took comfort in the idea I was likely just more like girls than boys because society likes to paint girls as nearly asexual some of the time in the first place. Did you ever think anything differently about your gender in relation to your asexuality?

I never really gave gender much thought.  I knew that gender did not equal sex, and knew about transgender people, probably all the way back in high school, if not earlier.  And I knew it didn’t apply to me.  I never felt like anything was wrong about my body, and I never wanted a different one (Although, I will admit to being curious about what it would be like on occasion, but nothing beyond that).

But really, I mostly didn’t care.  I’ve never felt particularly “manly”, but I’ve never felt “girly”, either.  When I was younger, I was more interested in crafts than sports, but I attribute that more to being an uncoordinated nerd who sunburns easily than anything else.

For me, I don’t think there’s much of a connection between my gender perception and asexuality.

Do women ever hear you’re asexual and give that “Challenge accepted!” response?

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Q: Do women ever hear you’re asexual and give that “Challenge accepted!” response?

Usually, it doesn’t come up.  I think I project an air of “not really interested” so it doesn’t even reach the point where they’d even try.  Besides, most of the women who know are already in a relationship and wouldn’t be in a position to take on a “challenge”.

The one exception I can think of was asexual herself, so it was less of a “Challenge Accepted” and more of a “Wow!  Another one!  Capture him!”

How do you respond to people when they say thing like you’re wrong for not liking sex or you’ll like it when you’re older or when you’ve found the right person?

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Q:Hi, I’m an ace female and I was just wondering how do you respond to people when they say thing like you’re wrong for not liking sex or you’ll like it when you’re older or when you’ve found the right person?

“You’re wrong for not liking sex”:  For me, it’s not a dislike, it’s a disinterest.  I’ve had sex before and I just didn’t see what was so great about it.  I found it rather boring, actually.  I felt emotionally disconnected from the whole process.  Physically, yes, it did feel good, but I can get many of the same sensations through masturbation, without the boredom or disconnected feeling.  And sure, I’ve only done it a handful of times (intercourse twice, and activities that may or may not meet your definition of “sex” a few more times) and all with the same person, so I don’t have a wide range of experiences to draw this conclusion from.  But there was nothing in what I’ve done that made me think, “You know, I could really get into this.”

“You’ll like it when you’re older”:  I’m 35.  When is this magical transformation supposed to happen?

“When you’ve found the right person”:  Many people, when they talk about their experiences, say that they feel sexually attracted to multiple people every day.  That celebrity, this grocery store clerk, that person on the bus, this person in the accounting department.  It’s there, even if they’re never going to act on it or even have the opportunity to, it’s just there.  And so, with all the people I’ve seen in my life, and no one’s triggered that, what’s the likelihood that anyone ever will?

How does one actually experience sexual attraction?

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Q: How does one actually experience sexual attraction? Is it like a mind-genitals connection or something?

 

From what I’ve seen in cartoons, sexual attraction is usually indicated by the presence of one or more of the following symptoms:

  1. Eyes protruding a significant distance in front of the head.
  2. Jaw dropping to the floor and tongue rolling out, with both stretching to several times their normal size.
  3. Hallucinations of hearts and/or small flying creatures armed with bows and arrows.
  4. The heart being thrust forward, out of the chest, where it beats furiously for several seconds.

Despite all of these symptoms involving abnormal movements of the body, subjects never seem to indicate distress or pain when they occur.

In other words, I have no idea.  Never felt it, and everyone who’s explained it seems to explain it in a different way.  I’ve heard it described as a “pull” or a “thirst”.

I’m wondering if there is more pressure on you to have sex because you’re a guy?

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Q:Hi, I’m an ace girl, and I’m wondering if there is more pressure on you to have sex because you’re a guy, or if people generally just tend to leave you to your business, as is my case.

In my case, there isn’t much pressure, but I attribute that more to being largely socially withdrawn.  I’m not really in any situations where it would come up.

However, I do occasionally end up in the middle of a “Just Us Guys” kinds of conversations, where people will talk about who or what they find attractive, in a way that’s supposed to get agreement.  (For example, “Did you see that waitress?”, followed by suggestive hand motions, or “Did any of you see those tight costumes those Olympic figure skaters were wearing?  WOW!”)  Those sort of conversations always make me feel awkward, because I’m expected to participate, but I have nothing to contribute.  And then, I know that my lack of contribution will become the subject of another conversation behind my back later.

Once, after one of those sorts of conversations, someone spoke up “in my defense”, saying that “some people” are uncomfortable about those topics, as if I had some sort of religious objection.  I wasn’t uncomfortable about the topic, I just had nothing to say.  It’s a bit like when they go off and talk about cars.  I remain quiet because I know nothing about cars, not because the discussion of carburetors makes me uncomfortable.

How the frick do you deal with boners?

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Q: This is weird but How the frick do you deal with boners Because like They’re kinda uncontrollable sometimes So like What do

It’s been years since I’ve had them run wild, and even then, it didn’t seem to be as much of a problem for me as other people described.

Anyway, here’s some tips:

  1. Wear looser fitting clothes.  Tight clothes are double trouble.  First, the tightness tends to cause things to rub, and that can lead to it happening more frequently.  Second, because the clothes are tight, it tends to be more visible when it happens.  Looser clothes don’t rub as much and give more space to that sort of thing to hide in.
  2. Briefs.  Kinda contradicts the looser clothes directive, but if you get the right size, they won’t be tight enough to constantly cause problems, but they will help contain and direct the issue when it occurs.
  3. Change how you sit.  Erections are caused by constricted blood flow.  Sitting a certain way might end up cutting off the blood supply.  A quick adjustment to the way you’re sitting might let that blood drain out.
  4. Masturbate.  Taking care of business once in a while might help calm things down.  Now, this might not be an option for you, so if it’s not, don’t worry about it.
  5. Don’t worry too much about it.  Most people aren’t going to notice.  And remember that other people have the same problem, and since you’re ace, it’s probably happening less for you and in less embarrassing situations than it does for other people.