Exploring The Purported Link Between Ejaculation and Prostate Cancer

“Ejaculation prevents prostate cancer!”

So claims the breathlessly excited article that pops up in your news feed.  The article talks glowingly about a study that found that the more someone ejaculates, the less likely they are to get prostate cancer.  And OBVIOUSLY, the inverse is true, that the less someone ejaculates, the more their prostate rebels against them.  “So get to it!”, the article implies, “Start fighting that cancer today!”

That’s the story everyone reads, anyway.

I have seen a number of aces use this as their primary reason for masturbating.  In a lot of these cases, the rationale is “I have heard that ejaculation helps prevent prostate cancer, so I masturbate because I have to, not because I want to.”  I wanted to explore these studies, see what they’re really saying, and see if there really is a good reason for aces to masturbate in order to prevent prostate cancer.

And what I found…?  Well, there’s going to be a lot of numbers and sciencey talk in the post ahead, so if you just want the quick TL;DR, here it is:

If you masturbate solely on the basis that you’ve heard it prevents prostate cancer, you probably shouldn’t waste your time.  The studies don’t actually say that it does, the results are a bit mixed, there are a number of significant concerns about the makeup of the study, and even if all of the findings are accurate and true, the true benefit is fairly minimal.  I think allowing this myth to stand unchallenged is doing harm to many aces who frequently subject themselves to something they do not inherently want to do based on its advice.

First, a few disclaimers…

I am not a doctor. I have no urology training.  For this post, I read the two main papers on the subject, but did not do an exhaustive search of the literature for all the papers on the topic.  I freely admit to the possibility that my conclusions here are completely off-base, and will happily correct what I’ve said, should more concrete evidence come to light.

Also, I personally quite like to masturbate.  This should in no way be taken as saying that aces shouldn’t masturbate at all.  All I want to say here is that the purported reduction in risk of prostate cancer that is supposedly linked to more frequent ejaculations should not be a reason that someone masturbates, particularly if they would not want to masturbate otherwise.

About Prostate Cancer

Prostate cancer, as its name implies, is cancer of the prostate.  The prostate is a small organ that typically comes as a package deal with a penis and testicles.  That means that only about half of the population has a prostate.  The other half does not have one, and therefore cannot get prostate cancer. (A similar organ, called the Skene’s Gland is what comes as part of the vagina/clitoris package deal.  Skene’s Gland cancer is apparently very rare, much rarer than prostate cancer.)  It sits just below the bladder, surrounding the urethra before it heads towards the penis.  The ejaculatory ducts coming from the testicles intersect the urethra within the prostate.  The prostate’s main purpose is to supply prostate fluid during ejaculation.  Prostate fluid helps sperm get around and is a clear to milky white fluid that makes up about 30% of the volume of semen.  The prostate is a critical part of the process of ejaculation, hence the interest in a possible link between prostate cancer and ejaculation.

According to the American Cancer Society, about 1 in 9 people with a prostate will eventually be diagnosed with prostate cancer.  (Note that this says diagnosed with prostate cancer.  Some people who get prostate cancer have no symptoms and will die of other causes without ever being diagnosed.)  The majority of those cases are in people over 65 years old.  However, only about 1 in 41 will die from prostate cancer.  [1]

To look at it a different way, if you have a room with 1000 prostate-owning people in it, 111 of them will be diagnosed with prostate cancer within their lifetimes, but 889 will not.  [Figure 1]  24 of them will die of prostate cancer, while 976 will not.  [Figure 2]  And if you combine those two, it means that 87 of the 111 people who are diagnosed with prostate cancer will die of some other cause. [Figure 3]  So even if you are diagnosed with prostate cancer, there is an almost 80% chance that something else will be what kills you.

Figure 1

Figure 2

Figure 3

Prostate cancer is one of the most survivable cancers.  It has a five year relative survivability rate of 99%. [2] Relative survival is a slightly complicated measure that indicates how likely someone with a disease will survive for a period of time (typically 5 years) compared to the number of similar people who don’t have that disease.  A lower number is worse because it means a person is less likely to survive.  It’s not really saying that someone with prostate cancer has a 99% chance of surviving for five years, because there’s always a chance they’ll die from something else during that time, like heart disease, a car accident, or hippopotamus attack at the local zoo.  It’s saying that if a comparable “healthy” population has 100 people who don’t have heart attacks and survive trips to the zoo, etc. for five years, that you would expect 99 people who have prostate cancer to also be alive at the end of that, even after accounting for all the heart/hippo attacks that killed people who had prostate cancer, too.  For comparison, breast cancer has a 90% five year relative survival rate, and lung cancer has an 18% rate. [3]  The 10 year rate for prostate cancer is 98% and the 15 year rate is 96%.  Because prostate cancer’s survivability is so high, and because prostate cancer is typically found in people older than 65, the majority of people who are diagnosed with prostate cancer die of something else first.

Furthermore, the National Cancer Institute has a breakdown of five year survivability, based on the stage of the prostate cancer.  The stage is basically a measure of how bad the cancer is or how much it has spread.  The types they report are “localized”, “regional”, or “distant”.  Localized means that the cancer remains within only the prostate.  Regional means that the cancer has spread to parts of the body right near the prostate, such as the seminal vesicles.  Distant means that the cancer has spread well beyond the immediate neighborhood of the prostate.  79% of prostate cancer cases are localized, 12% are regional, 5% are distant, and 4% are of unknown severity.  According to the NCI, local and regional cases have a 100% five-year survivability, which essentially means that people do not die from prostate cancer as long as it remains local or regional.  If the cancer reaches the distant stage, five-year survivability drops dramatically to only 29.8%.  But again, that’s only around 5% of cases.  [4]

On top of this already high survivability rate, cancer in general is becoming more survivable.  New treatments are being developed, meaning that for someone diagnosed today, their 15 year survival rate will likely be better than someone diagnosed in the past.  Over time, there may even be a cure or a vaccine developed, which can completely eradicate prostate cancer.  Someone who is 20 today might not even have to worry about getting prostate cancer by the time they’re over 65.  (Of course, there’s also the flip side, which is that as medical science gets better, more effective treatments are developed for other diseases and health problems, too, and people live longer in general.  So someone who survives a heart attack at 70 that would have killed them just ten years ago now may live until prostate cancer can kill them at 102.)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Cancer is an awful, horrible thing in all its forms, including prostate cancer.  Dying from prostate cancer leaves someone just as dead as dying from lung cancer.  These statistics and survivability rates don’t change it’s ability to destroy a life.

The American Cancer Society does not recommend routine screening for people with an average risk of prostate cancer.  This is because finding the cancer early does not significantly improve survivability, and because treating the cancer can cause issues (like incontinence and impotence) which can actually be worse than the cancer.  As one doctor put it, “Evidence of harm from prostate cancer screening is stronger than evidence of benefit.” [5]

It should be noted that prostate cancer rates vary notably by race.  Black people are twice as likely to get prostate cancer and twice as likely to die from it than white or Hispanic people.  White or Hispanic people are about 50% more likely to get prostate cancer than Asian/Pacific Islanders or Native Americans. [6]

Nobody knows what causes prostate cancer.  Some cancers have a clear causal link to a risk factor.  For instance, smoking is responsible for 80% of lung cancer deaths.  If you avoid smoke (and asbestos and radon, to lesser extents), you’re far, far less likely to develop lung cancer.  There’s nothing like that for prostate cancer.  Doctors can’t say “don’t do X and you won’t get prostate cancer”. There are many theories, from hormonal interactions, to STIs, to a vitamin D deficiency, to the “prostate stagnation hypothesis” which basically says that prostate fluid goes bad over time and that it won’t go bad if the system is regularly flushed.   Neither of the papers I read are explicitly looking for the cause, instead, they are looking for an association between the frequency of ejaculation and the incidence of prostate cancer, which can then be used to guide further exploration into the causes.

The Studies

The two papers I read were “Ejaculation Frequency and Subsequent Risk of Prostate Cancer” by Leitzmann, et al (JAMA, 2004) [7], and “Ejaculation Frequency and Risk of Prostate Cancer: Updated Results with an Additional Decade of Follow-up” by Rider, et al (European Urology, 2016) [8].  These seem to be the source of the idea that frequent ejaculation prevents prostate cancer.  Both of these papers use data from a long term cohort study called the “Health Professionals Follow-up Study” [9], which I’ll talk about more in a moment.  Rider 2016 is a similar analysis to Leitzmann 2004, but it looks at an additional decade of data from the cohort study.

The overall conclusion of Leitzmann 2004 is “Our results suggest that ejaculation frequency is not related to increased risk of prostate cancer.”  Notice that this only says that increased ejaculation frequency doesn’t have anything to do with increased risk.  They’re not saying that it decreases the risk, only that it doesn’t make it worse.

The overall conclusion of Rider 2016 is “These findings provide additional evidence of a beneficial role of more frequent ejaculation throughout adult life in the etiology of PCa, particularly for low-risk disease.”  The “low-risk disease” part is important.  As I’ll get into more in a bit, their results around advanced or lethal forms of prostate cancer are mixed.

Both papers use data gathered from the “Health Professionals Follow-up Study”.  This study is a long term, recurring survey, following a cohort of male doctors aged 40-75 that were selected for the study in 1986.  (There is a similar study including women, called the “Nurses’ Health Study”.)  The goal of this study is to track the long-term health of these participants.  No one can be added to this study, it will be the same group of people until there are no more people who respond.  If a participant dies, they are not replaced in the study.  In fact, that death is a valuable data point.  Every two years, participants are sent a follow-up survey, and that information is compiled and can provide a long term view of the health and lifestyle of a particular individual.

The makeup of the cohort is important.  The study designers selected health professionals, because they believed that people working in that field would be more likely to recognize the importance of such a study and be more compelled to diligently follow up and provide accurate information.  However, it needs to be recognized that such a selection will introduce a huge bias in the population sample.  Health professionals are likely to have a higher than average income.  They’re probably less likely live next a chemical factory or breathe the air in a mine for long periods of time.  They’re probably more likely to take better care of their health overall.  And since nearly 20% of this cohort were veterinarians, they are probably far more likely to be attacked by a hippopotamus at the zoo than you are.

The cohort is also overwhelmingly white.  Like greater than 91% white.  When you’re talking about a disease that strikes black people twice as often as white people, your results are questionable when only about 1% of your sample is black.  In fact, Leitzmann 2004 acknowledges this:  “Our results are generalizable to white US men aged 46 years or older.”

So, basically, the HPFS is skewed heavily towards healthy high-middle to upper class white people.  It’s possible that this bias has no material impact on the results, and it’s also possible that the bias can be controlled away, but it is important to note that this is skew is present as it has the possibility that it will render the findings invalid for a general population.  Both papers recognized this bias and attempted to control for it.

In 1992, the HPFS asked study participants about their frequency of ejaculation for three time periods in their life:  Between ages 20-29, ages 40-49, and in the year before the survey regardless of age (which would have been 1991).  Here is the question asked by the HPFS, as seen on the survey form [10]:

Figure 4

There were several possible issues noted with asking this question.  First, it’s a bit of a sensitive question.  The researchers believe that the anonymous nature of the responses should help with the accuracy of the results.  Furthermore, the section of the survey was preceded by an acknowledgement of the sensitivity of the questions and an explicit invitation to skip any questions the participants did not wish to answer.  While this likely further enhances the truthfulness of the responses, there is no way to know who did not answer and whether or not that alters the results of any analysis of this data.  Was it the crowd who would have answered “None”, but were so put off by the questions that they skipped the section?  Or was it people too embarrassed to admit their two-to-three times a day habit?  Or was it a more even distribution that proportionally left out people in all categories?  There is also a concern regarding “recall bias”, in other words, that people were remembering things wrong, largely because time had passed.  In 1991, the participants were age 45-80, meaning that “20-29” was a long time ago for most of them, and they might not have a clear memory of the number of times they ejaculated in a given month.  Also, some of the participants were still in their forties when this question was asked, so their Ages 40-49 may be inaccurate, and the “Past Year” answer would overlap with that time frame.

For reference, the following table summarizes the percentage of the study population that falls within each “Ejaculations Per Month” (EPM) range, based on the “Lifetime Average” calculated in Leitzmann 2004, for a total of 29342 people.

0-3 EPM 4-7 EPM 8-12 EPM 13-20 EPM 21+ EPM
n 1327 6523 9107 10362 2023
Percent 4.5 22.2 31.0 35.3 6.9

A couple of things to notice here.  First, the percentages don’t add up to 100 because of rounding.  Second, 13-20 had the highest number of people, while 0-3 was the lowest.  21+ wasn’t that much higher than 0-3.

Also, notice that these numbers group 0-3 together into a single bucket, despite the original question having separate options for “None” and “1-3”.  Why?  Because they claim that there weren’t enough people who reported “None” to be able to analyze them as a separate group.  While I can understand that decision from a mathematical point of view, I am frustrated by it, because I’d like to know what percentage of people actually reported “None” and also because the “None” category is of very critical importance to aces who are attempting to use these findings to decide whether or not to masturbate.  Neither paper examines the None group.  In fact, both papers tend to brush aside the 0-3 category entirely.  (More on that in a bit…)

The papers attempt to calculate the relative risk or the hazard ratio of each group.  “Relative Risk” (RR) or “Hazard Ratio” (HR) are a way to compare two groups that are similar except for the variable you’re interested in comparing.  This lets you see whether that variable has an impact on what you’re interested in.  An HR or RR of 1.0 means that there is no difference between the baseline and the comparison group.  An HR or RR of 0.5 means that the comparison group is half as likely to be impacted than the baseline group, while an HR or RR of 2.0 means the comparison is twice as likely to be impacted.  In this case, lower is better, higher is worse.

That last paragraph probably didn’t make a whole lot of sense to anyone who didn’t get at least a math minor in college, so let’s look at an example.  Leitzmann 2004 reports that the RR for the 21+ EPM (Ejaculations Per Month) group is 0.89 when compared to the 4-7 EPM group.  What this means is that people who ejaculated 21 or more times per month on average are only 89% as likely to get prostate cancer than people who only ejaculated 4-7 times per month, or that they’re 11% less likely to get prostate cancer.

11% less likely!  That sounds pretty good, right?  Case closed, let’s tell everyone with a penis to get cranking!  Y’all got some work to do!

This is what mainstream coverage of these studies ends up reporting.  But this isn’t the end of the story.  Not by a long shot.  Let’s look at the rest of the numbers.

It’s not saying that the overall risk of getting prostate cancer is cut by 11 percentage points.  Since the overall risk is about 11.1%, cutting it by 11 points would leave only a 0.1% chance behind.  That would be a huge, very substantial difference!  But that’s not what it means.  It actually means that it drops the risk by 11% of that 11.1%, which means the overall risk of getting prostate cancer would go down by about 1.2%.  That would still mean someone has a 9.9% chance of getting prostate cancer.

The following table gives the HR or RR from both studies for each group and for each age range.  (For simplification, I am using the “Multivariate RR” values from Leitzmann 2004 and the “Multi-variate non-Erectile Dysfunction HR” values from Rider 2016 for this table.)

Study 0-3 EPM 4-7 EPM 8-12 EPM 13-20 EPM 21+ EPM
Leitzmann, Age 20-29 1.09 1 1.06 0.95 0.89
Rider, Age 20-29 0.91 1 0.99 0.90 0.80
Leitzmann, Age 40-49 0.83 1 0.96 0.98 0.68
Rider, Age 40-49 0.91 1 0.93 0.81 0.82

You may have already noticed the column that’s full of 1s, and thought “That’s weird”.  That is because of how those HRs and RRs are calculated.  You have to pick one of the groups as the reference baseline, and compare all of the other groups to it.  Both papers picked the 4-7 EPM group as the baseline, so when you compare the people in 4-7 EPM to themselves, you get a 100% match, therefore you get an HR or RR of 1.  The numbers for all of the other groups are comparing the likelihood that someone in that group will get prostate cancer compared to the likelihood that someone in the 4-7 group will get prostate cancer.

But…  Hang on a second here.  They chose 4-7 EPM as the baseline?  If you’re trying to determine whether or not more frequent ejaculations changes the risk of getting prostate cancer, shouldn’t you start with the lowest value, and go up from there?  Why would you pick a group in the middle to compare everyone against?

Leitzmann 2004:  “We used the category of 4 to 7 ejaculations per month as the common reference group to achieve meaningful comparisons between increasingly extreme ejaculation frequencies and to ensure stability of the RR estimates.”

Rider 2016: “As in the 2004 report, 4–7 EPM was selected as the reference category as relatively few men reported an average of 0–3 EPM.”

In other words, Leitzmann 2004 picked 4-7 because it made their numbers better, while Rider 2016 picked 4-7 because Leitzmann did and also because they felt there weren’t enough people in the 0-3 category.

Making better numbers is also what leads to the “multivariate” and “non-ED” classifications.  The researchers consider additional data and adjust for it or completely remove those data points from the calculations.  For example, the “non-ED” category in Rider 2016 excludes participants who had reported having erectile difficulties.  The paper explains that this group was excluded because ED is likely to cause lower ejaculation frequency and tends to be associated with other conditions that can lead to early death.  Since prostate cancer is typically found in older people, if someone dies early, they’re less likely to get prostate cancer and have it diagnosed.  So that exclusion could be considered a legitimate way to filter out bad data that will muddle your findings.

Or…  It can be seen as an arbitrary way to make your findings appear more conclusive.  If you get rid of people with ED, It could also be argued that perhaps you should eliminate smokers with a vasectomy because, hey, they got that vasectomy for a reason (wink-wink) and they’re probably going to die of lung cancer.  Splitting up your data in a way to make your numbers look better (Whether deliberately or unconsciously) is called “p-hacking”.  P-hacking happens because people like clear conclusions.  In particular, journal editors like clear conclusions.  If you write a paper where you say “I looked at all this data and didn’t find anything”, that’s a valid scientific result, but it’s not as interesting as writing a paper that says “You’re less likely to get prostate cancer if you ejaculate more”.  Rider 2016 was accused of p-hacking [11], although they did provide a rebuttal to these claims.

You may also be wondering why the Leitzmann and Rider numbers are so different.  The Rider paper was looking at the same people as the Leitzmann paper, so shouldn’t they be the same?  Remember that the Rider paper used an additional ten years of followup data to consider.  In those additional ten years, the number of study participants who were diagnosed with prostate cancer had roughly doubled.  And remember that this is a cohort that doesn’t change, so the number of cases will never decrease.  Once someone gets prostate cancer, they will never “un-get” prostate cancer for the purposes of this study, even if they undergo treatment that leaves them cancer-free.  At the same time, since much of the cohort is still alive, there are quite a few of them who will be diagnosed at some point in the future.  Rider 2016 looked at the HPFS data from 2014, when the youngest members of the cohort were 68.  Recall that most cases of prostate cancer are diagnosed after age 65.  So these numbers are a work in progress.  They will continue to change until the entire cohort is deceased.

Anyway, enough about the methods…  What do those numbers even mean?

It’s quite a ways back up the page now, so I’ve repeated the table of interest here, so you don’t have to keep scrolling around.

Study 0-3 EPM 4-7 EPM 8-12 EPM 13-20 EPM 21+ EPM
Leitzmann, Age 20-29 1.09 1 1.06 0.95 0.89
Rider, Age 20-29 0.91 1 0.99 0.90 0.80
Leitzmann, Age 40-49 0.83 1 0.96 0.98 0.68
Rider, Age 40-49 0.91 1 0.93 0.81 0.82

Recall that lower is better and higher is worse, and a value of 1 means there’s no difference.  So yes, looking at that table, the data indicates that 21 or more ejaculations a month does have a lower risk than only ejaculating 4-7 times a month.  But 13-20 is also better.  8-12 is better in all but one of the categories.  But…  Hold on a minute.  0-3 is also better in most of the categories?  That doesn’t really fit with the theory that ejaculating more leads to less prostate cancer.  You’d expect 0-3 to be higher than 4-7 if that were clearly the case.  In fact, based on this table, the conclusion you should draw is that people should avoid ejaculating 4-7 times per month, and instead go for more or less, because 4-7 is clearly the worst for your health.

Or…  Not.

You see, all of these numbers also come with a “Confidence Interval”.  You can think of the confidence interval (or “CI”) as being similar to the “margin of error” of a survey.  You’ve probably heard of a survey where they’ve said a political candidate is polling at 51% of the vote, with a margin of error of +/- 3%.  That means that the actual support for that candidate is probably somewhere between 48% and 54%.  That 48%-54% range is the confidence interval.  In most cases, including in these papers, the CI used is the “95% Confidence Interval”, which means that the correct value of an estimated number is between the high and low numbers 95% of the time.  In other words, when the Leitzmann paper reports a value like 0.89, with a CI of 0.73-1.10, what that means is “I’m 95% sure that the real value is between 0.73 and 1.10, and I think it’s probably somewhere close to 0.89.”

Now, imagine if I said “I’m 95% sure that my wallet has between $7.30 and $11, and I think I have around $8.90”.  That’s almost a $4 difference between my high and low estimates.  You’d be rightfully worried about my ability to pay my $8.50 share of the cab fare, because maybe I really only have $7.30.  And if the cable company told you that they were 95% sure that the repair tech would be at your place between 7:30 AM and 11 AM, but probably around 8:50 AM, you’d be awake and dressed by 7 and you’d clear your calendar until noon.  But if these confidence intervals were narrower, like if I said I had somewhere between $8.85 and $8.95, or that your cable is getting fixed between 8:40 and 9:00 AM, you’d feel a lot better about those estimates.

So let’s include the confidence intervals in that table, then see what it says.

Study 0-3 EPM 4-7 EPM 8-12 EPM 13-20 EPM 21+ EPM
Leitzmann, Age 20-29 1.09 (0.80-1.47) 1 1.06 (0.88-1.29) 0.95 (0.78-1.16) 0.89 (0.73-1.10)
Rider, Age 20-29 0.91 (0.71-1.17) 1 0.99 (0.86-1.13) 0.90 (0.78-1.02) 0.80 (0.69-0.92)
Leitzmann, Age 40-49 0.83 (0.64-1.09) 1 0.96 (0.80-1.16) 0.98 (0.79-1.13) 0.68 (0.53-0.86)
Rider, Age 40-49 0.91 (0.75-1.11) 1 0.93 (0.84-1.02) 0.81 (0.72-0.90) 0.82 (0.70-0.96)

What it says now is “That’s a hell of a lot of numbers”.  If you turn your head and squint just right, maybe you can start to see a lot of the numbers are now bigger than 1.  But it’s all still largely a jumble.  So let’s make it easier to see what’s going on.

Figure 5

Okay, yeah, so it’s still a bit of a jumble, but now it’s one with pretty boxes and lines and things.

The boxes indicate the extent of the confidence intervals for each group and the dash in the middle of each box is the estimated HR/RR.  The actual value is probably somewhat close to the dash, but not guaranteed to be.  There is a 95% chance that the actual value is within the extent of the box, and a 5% chance that the actual value is outside the box entirely.  The red line at 1 represents the 4-7 EPM reference category that everything else is compared against.  If a box or a data point is above the red line, that indicates that the HR/RR is greater than the reference and that the likelihood of prostate cancer may be higher for that group than it is for people who ejaculate 4-7 times per month.  If a box or a data point is below the red line, that indicates that the HR/RR is less than the reference and that the likelihood of prostate cancer may be lower for that group than it is for people who ejaculate 4-7 times per month.  If the box straddles the line, that means that the risk could be higher, could be lower, and you can’t say with statistical confidence that which side it’s actually on.

As you can see, almost all of those boxes straddle the line.  In other words, most of those boxes tell you very little about whether or not the risk of prostate cancer is truly higher or lower for those groups.  What once looked like a clear sign that you should avoid ejaculating between 4-7 times a month has turned into a bit of a mathematical ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

There are a few of the confidence interval boxes that are completely below the red line.  That means that the data analysis is at least 95% sure that there is actually a reduction in the risk of prostate cancer for those groups.  The only group that’s below the red line in both studies is the group that ejaculated more than 21 times per month at age 40-49.

So…  The conclusion that’s drawn from this is that it doesn’t matter what you do the rest of the time, but you’d better get busy in your 40s?  As I noted earlier: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Recall that the two studies are the same group of people, just with ten additional years of data included in the Rider paper.  The confidence intervals are getting narrower, which is what you’d expect as you get a larger sample size.  But outside of that, some of the numbers vary wildly between Leitzmann and Rider.  Comparing the Age 40-49 data between the two papers, it appears that the RRs for the 8-13 and 13-20 groups get much better, while 21+ takes a sharp turn for the worse.  The surface level implication there is that if someone ejaculates between 8 and 20 times per month, then they either get it earlier than someone with 21+ EPM or they don’t get it at all, and that the 21+ EPM group might delay the onset of prostate cancer for a few years, but eventually catches up?

But that doesn’t really make much sense…  So also recall that the data from the cohort is a work in progress.  Maybe it really is just random and the numbers look kinda weird because there’s absolutely no correlation between ejaculation and prostate cancer.  Surely, these aren’t the only two papers that explore this potential link.  Unfortunately, I don’t have time to explore the literature and see what they all have to say.

Fortunately, Leitzmann and Rider already did that for us!  Leitzmann, take it away!

Previous investigations on reported ejaculation frequencies or sexual intercourse and prostate cancer are limited to studies of retrospective design and results are mixed. Nine studies observed a statistically significant or nonsignificant positive association; 3 studies reported no association; 7 studies found a statistically significant or nonsignificant inverse relationship; and 1 study found a U-shaped relationship.

That’s all sciencey talk, but the key phrase is “results are mixed”.  Leitzmann 2004 reviewed 20 different studies that look at a possible link between ejaculation or intercourse (which implies likely ejaculation) and prostate cancer and they all said different things.

Also, that paper is from 2004, so it’s missing 14 years (as of this writing) of additional research that has likely been conducted in the meantime.  Rider 2016 looks at a handful of additional studies, and is more to the point:

The literature exploring the role of sexual activity in the etiology of PCa is inconsistent.

“Inconsistent.”  “Results are mixed.” That is hardly wide-ranging compelling evidence in favor of the theory that more frequent ejaculations will decrease the risk of prostate cancer.  Or that prostate cancer risk has anything to do with ejaculation at all.

But okay, let’s set all those questions and doubts aside for the moment and assume that Leitzmann and Rider are correct, that there is a statistically significant correlation here, that as ejaculations per month go up, prostate cancer goes down.  But does that actually make a difference in how bad the disease is?  Remember back when I was talking about the survivability of prostate cancer, how I mentioned the different stages, local, regional, and distant?  And how local and regional had a 100% five-year survivability rate, according to the National Cancer Institute?  So, does more frequent ejaculation decrease the risk of the more lethal distant stage of prostate cancer?

No.

Sorry, got ahead of myself there.  But no, no it doesn’t.  At least not according to these papers.

I present Rider 2016’s numbers here because that paper has an additional 10 years of data over Leitzmann 2004.  (Some of Leitzmann’s numbers are just plain wacky due to lack of data.  For instance, one of the categories has an RR CI of 0.49-6.60, which is like saying “The risk could be cut in half or it could be 6.5 times worse.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”  Leitzmann’s numbers are generally similar to Rider’s, however.)  Rider breaks down the numbers by risk category and stage.  I have included only the data for only the 13+ EPM group (Rider combines the 13-20 and 21+ groups for this analysis because there were not enough cases in the 21+ group in some of these categories for the data to be meaningful).

Figure 6

Figure 7

There are three main conclusions that can be drawn from these tables.

  1. A person who ejaculates more than 13 times per month has a lower chance of low risk or organ confined prostate cancer.
  2. A person who ejaculates more than 13 times per month has a potentially greater chance of higher risk or advanced/lethal prostate cancer.
  3. OMG, 1991 is gonna kill everyone!

If 1 and 2 are true, think about what that means for a moment.  Someone who ejaculates more frequently is less likely to have the lower risk, less fatal types of prostate cancer, but they’re more likely to get the type that will kill them.  That, on its own, doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  Prostate cancer is not a “Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200” sort of thing.  You don’t just skip to the advanced/distant stage of the disease.  If there’s an increased risk of the more deadly types of cancer, then those deadly cancers had to progress through the earlier stages, so there should be an increase in the earlier stages, as well.

There are a couple of possible explanations for this.  First, the p-values for these findings that suggest an increase are fairly high.  A “p-value” is a measurement of how likely it is that the results you got are simply due to random chance.  The higher a p-value is, the more likely a result is random, while the lower it is, the more likely your result is valid.  You can think of a p-value as sort of how confident you are in your confidence.  It’s generally accepted that a p-value < 0.05 means your results are statistically significant, because it means that there’s only a 5% chance that your results are random.  (Side note:  The p-value is the same p in the “p-hacking” that I mentioned earlier.  p-hacking is the process of trying to manipulate your data and analysis to find something that yields p < 0.05.  The problem is that in order to do so, you may have manipulated your data into meaninglessness.)

Another possible explanation is that people who ejaculate 13+ times per month really like doing it.  Also, everyone in this study is a health professional, so they’re likely to know that treatment for prostate cancer often leads to impotence.  So, perhaps they intentionally skip prostate cancer screening or treatment to avoid a diagnosis and the possible consequences.  But if this is true, this actually would invalidate the other findings, too, specifically that a higher EPM rate is associated with a decreased risk of prostate cancer.  The risk might not actually be lower, instead, those people just might not know that they have it.

As for 1991 killing everybody, that is actually a legitimate finding.  The p-value for that set is 0.05, so it’s statistically significant.  In fact, that’s a point of consternation for Rider 2016, which apparently makes up a symptom for prostate cancer that somehow encourages more frequent ejaculation to explain it.  I mean, I’m all for hypothesizing on possible causes when your data doesn’t match reality, but…  If you have to immediately say “While we are not aware of any literature supporting [this]” after your proposal, you probably shouldn’t be saying it.  Especially when it seems like it’s something that should be easy for a urology researcher to verify one way or the other.  Walk into the break room and say, “Hey, any of you all ever hear of people wanting to get off more when they have prostate cancer?”  If the answer’s “yes”, then add a line about how there’s unverified anecdotal evidence in support of the idea and you’ve got the topic of your next paper.  If the answer’s “no”, drop the idea and admit you don’t have an explanation.

Look at what they’re saying there, though.  They’re speculating that the development of prostate cancer might influence the frequency of ejaculation, when all this time, the focus has been on whether frequency of ejaculation might influence the development of prostate cancer.  I want to return to something I said earlier, that no one really knows what causes prostate cancer.  So even if there is a statistical correlation between ejaculation frequency and prostate cancer, that’s not necessarily an indication that it’s a causal relationship.  If it’s “prostate stagnation” that causes prostate cancer, then yes, there’s a causal relationship, where ejaculation flushes the toxins out which prevents cancer.  But if it’s a lack of vitamin D, then no, there’s not a causal relationship, because it’s just vitamin D making people more horny AND preventing cancer.  And if that’s the case, you can just take vitamin D supplements and get the cancer reduction benefits, and however much you ejaculate doesn’t matter.  Neither paper is attempting to prove a cause of prostate cancer, and neither paper claims a causal link.  They are only looking to see if there is a relationship.

Okay, okay, okay.  Let’s take a step back and refocus on what we’re actually interested in.  Let’s assume that there actually is a causal relation between more ejaculations and less prostate cancer, and let’s ignore the suggestion of a possible increase in the higher risk types of cancer associated with more ejaculations.  Going on the pure optimistic, best case scenario here, what I want to know is this:  How much does the risk of prostate cancer actually go down if I ejaculate more frequently?

I have no idea.

None at all.  The papers don’t actually say.  None of these RRs and HRs and confidence intervals and other things being thrown around actually give that number.  What they all say is that the risk may be lower for the 21+ EPM group when compared to the 4-7 EPM group.  But what’s the risk for the 4-7 EPM group?  Are they higher than the average risk?  My mathematical sense about how averages and populations samples work says that yes, they are higher risk than average.  If the 4-7 group is considered the baseline reference of 1, and if all the other groups are less than 1, then the 4-7 group has to have an above average risk in order for the lower relative risks of the other groups to balance out.

There may be enough data available in the papers to try to come up with some sort of rough estimate, though.  I’ll warn you now that the following is speculation and likely mathematically unsound, but at this point, we’re already ignoring so many red flags and possible issues, so what’s one more thing to overlook, eh?

For this, I’m going to look at the overall risk of prostate cancer, compared to the incidence in the overall study population, and for each of the EPM groups as reported in Rider’s Age 40-49 category.

Overall Population Study Sample 0-3 EPM 4-7 EPM 8-13 EPM 14-20 EPM 21+ EPM
11.1% 12.0% 11.2% 13.3% 12.4% 10.8% 10.3%

The first thing that jumps out at me is that the study sample has a higher reported overall rate of prostate cancer than the general population.  And remember, this is an on-going study tracking the same group of people, so that number can only go up over time.  So is that difference an artifact of better health care and more detection of prostate cancer among the study population?  Are dentists and veterinarians more prone to prostate cancer than other people?  Or is it just ordinary sampling error?  In any case, it’s notable.

Second, the 4-7 EPM group does have highest cancer rate in the study, at 1.3 points higher than the study sample rate.  And 21+ does have the lowest rate, at 1.7 points lower than the sample rate.  (It’s worth pointing out that the 0-3 group is also lower than the overall study rate.)  What that means is that if there is a reduction in cancer risk for 21+ EPM over 4-7 EPM, you lose about half of the effective value of that reduction, just to get back to the study rate.

Another way to think of this is to imagine a store advertising a 30% off sale.  30% off, that sounds great!  But if their original prices are 13% higher than the store next door, then you’re not actually getting a 30% discount, you’re really only saving 17%.  And if all the stores in that city already have a 9% higher sales tax than the rest of the state, that eats into that 30% discount even more.  At the end of the day, maybe you’re only getting an 8% discount.  Still a discount, sure, but hardly what was advertised, and it’s now low enough to make you think twice about going out of your way to shop there.

However, an 8% discount is still a discount, so let’s look at what kind of discount you might actually get.  Let’s go back to that room of a thousand prostate-owning people for one final batch of comparisons.  (We’ve left them sitting in there for so long, it would be rude to keep them waiting any longer.)  For this, I’m going to compare the absolute difference between the national prostate cancer rate compared to the raw 0-3 and 21+ study group rates, as well the deltas for those groups compared to the study rate normalized to the national rate.

(And have I mentioned that what I’m doing here isn’t sound.  Because what I’m doing here isn’t sound.  If you try to quote anything that I’m about to report in this section as some sort of legitimate finding, then you’ve completely missed my point and should start over at the beginning.)

Overall Population Study Sample Raw 0-3 EPM Raw 21+ EPM Normalized 0-3 EPM Normalized 21+ EPM
11.1% 12.0% 11.2% 10.3% 10.4% 9.5%

Figure 8

Figure 9

Figure 10

Figure 12

Figure 13

Figure 14

In Figures 9-14, I’ve highlighted the difference from the national rate.  Filled boxes with red borders are an increase over the national rate.  Empty boxes with green borders are a decrease compared to the national rate.  I have one final observation to make:

The “Normalized 21+ EPM Rate” represents pretty much the best of the best of the best case scenario.  [Figure 14]  Getting there required ignoring pretty much every concern we’ve come across, deliberately selecting the best data set, and probably ended up making statisticians scream “What are you doing?!” at their screens.  And even with all that, the difference is only 16 boxes with green borders.  That means that even if the papers were accurate AND there really is a causal link between ejaculation frequency and reduced risk of prostate cancer AND all the leaps of mathematical faith we took are correct AND medical science doesn’t change at all in the next couple of decades AND no one else in the study cohort gets prostate cancer AND you dedicate yourself to jacking off at least 5 times per week for the rest of your life, the best result is a 1.6% chance that something in your life will turn out different.

I’m not gonna drive across town for that sale.

Conclusion

First off, thanks for sticking with me through thousands of words of math and science and graphs and stuff.  Or thanks for scrolling past all of that and skipping directly here.  Whichever.

Let’s review the key points that we’ve learned.

  • You’re probably not going to get prostate cancer, no matter how much you ejaculate.  There’s an 89% chance you won’t.
  • Even if you get prostate cancer, it’s probably not going to kill you.  If you get prostate cancer, there’s an 80% chance that you’ll die of something else, and its 15-year survivability rate is 96%, so even if it does kill you, it’s probably going to take its time.
  • Because medical science is continually improving, prostate cancer gets less likely to kill you all the time.
  • Studies involving sexual activity/ejaculation and risk of prostate cancer are “mixed” and “inconsistent”.
  • There is no proof that ejaculation itself decreases the risk of prostate cancer.  At best, these papers may have found a correlation, but correlation is not causation.  At worst, some other papers have reported that there may be an increased risk of cancer associated with more frequent ejaculation.
  • The papers do not report an absolute reduction in risk for more frequent ejaculation, only a relative reduction when compared to the 4-7 ejaculations per month group.  The overall potential benefit is unclear.
  • My best-case, super-optimistic, ignoring-all-problems-and-red-flags, everything-is-perfect, don’t-quote-me-on-this analysis indicates that there might be at best a 1.6% chance that you’ll avoid getting prostate cancer by masturbating at least 21 times a month.
  • Both papers basically ignore the 0-3 EPM group, which happens to be a group of interest to asexual people, especially those who only masturbate because they’ve heard it can decrease the risk of prostate cancer.  They don’t even consider the risk of prostate cancer in people who never ejaculate.
  • The study the papers are based on is biased, and that bias potentially contaminates the results.  The Leitzmann paper even admits that the results are only useful for white guys over the age of 40 in the US.
  • The findings suggest that all levels of ejaculation frequency other than 4-7 EPM (including 0-3) may have a lower risk of cancer than those in the 4-7 EPM group.
  • There is only a statistically significant decrease in the risk of prostate cancer in both papers for the group who ejaculated 21+ times per month at age 40-49.
  • 21+ ejaculations per month is around at least 5 times per week, which is probably waaaay more than someone who’s not a fan of the process would want to go through with it. (An informal, totally unscientific poll of aces who say they masturbate mainly to reduce the risk of prostate cancer found that most of them only do it 0-3 times per month.)
  • There is a chance that ejaculating more is actually associated with a higher risk of the worst kinds of prostate cancer.
  • There is a chance that the apparent lower risk of prostate cancer overall in people who ejaculate more is an artifact of a reluctance to be screened by the higher EPM groups.
  • 1991 is going to kill us all.  No, seriously.  It was mathematically proven.  See what you miss when you skip to the conclusion?

Or, to tl;dr my tl;dr:

If you’re asexual and you don’t like masturbating, but you do it anyway, only because you’ve heard that ejaculation can prevent prostate cancer:  Stop.  Don’t bother.  You’re far more likely to die of heart disease than prostate cancer, so take that time that you would have spent masturbating, and use it doing something that’s good for your heart.  (In fact, the stress of constantly doing something that you dislike is probably bad for your heart.)

And, well, if you don’t believe me that there’s essentially zero evidence that you should masturbate as a way to lower your risk of prostate cancer, take it from the authors of Rider 2016 (emphasis mine):

We wish to emphasize that until the biological mechanisms underlying this association are convincingly elucidated, interpreting ejaculation as an established means of preventing prostate cancer is premature. [12]

 


Sources:

[1] Key Statistics For Prostate Cancer, American Cancer Society

[2] Survival Rates for Prostate Cancer, American Cancer Society

[3] Cancer Statistics Center, American Cancer Society

[4] Prostate Cancer – Cancer Stats Facts, National Cancer Institute

[5] Prostate Cancer Screen And Detection Decline, American Cancer Society

[6] Prostate Cancer Rates by Race and Ethnicity, CDC

[7] Ejaculation Frequency and Subsequent Risk of Prostate Cancer, Leitzmann MF, Platz EA, Stampfer MJ, Willett WC, Giovannucci E., JAMA. 2004;291(13):1578–1586. doi:10.1001/jama.291.13.1578

[8] Ejaculation Frequency and Risk of Prostate Cancer: Updated Results with an Additional Decade of Follow-up, Rider, Jennifer R. et al., European Urology , Volume 70 , Issue 6 , 974 – 982

[9] Health Professionals Follow-up Study, Harvard School of Public Health

[10] Health Professionals Follow-up Study, 1992 Long Form Survey, Harvard School of Public Health

[11] Looking Deeper: P-hacking and Some Other Bias, García-Perdomo, Herney Andrés et al., European Urology , Volume 70 , Issue 6 , e155 

[12] Reply to Herney Andrés García-Perdomo and Ramiro Manzano Nunez’s Letter to the Editor Re: Jennifer R. Rider, Kathryn M. Wilson, Jennifer M. Sinnott, Rachel S. Kelly, Lorelei A. Mucci, Edward L. Giovannucci. Ejaculation Frequency and Risk of Prostate Cancer: Updated Results with an Additional Decade of Follow-up. Eur Urol 2016;70:974–82

Missing a Permission Slip

[Content Warning: Discussion of masturbation and sex and stuff.]

Not too long ago, over on Asexual Activities, there was a discussion about aces having trouble masturbating in one way or another.  So I started writing about the problems I encountered learning how to do it.  Along the way, I realized that there was something else getting in the way that I’d never really thought about too much.  It’s always been there and the strength of it comes and goes, but it touches pretty much every interaction I have with sexuality.

I don’t feel like I have permission to have sexuality.  It doesn’t feel like it’s mine.  It’s like I stole it from someone else and I’m going to get in trouble if someone finds out that I have it.  And I’ve never read the instructions, so I have no idea how to use the thing anyway.

I know that sort of sounds like guilt or shame, but it doesn’t really feel like that’s what it is.  Guilt or shame implies that I think I’m doing something shameful or that I’m guilty of doing something wrong.  I know it’s not anything that’s wrong and I know it’s not anything that’s shameful.  It’s like one day I discovered that there was a mysterious $1000 deposit in my bank account.  It’s not mine, I don’t know where it came from.  I should tell the bank that they made a mistake, but everyone else says that they got the same mysterious deposit, and they’re going around spending it, with the bank’s blessing.  But I don’t know what to spend it on and it doesn’t really belong to me, so I keep it in the account.  I check on it once in a while, and it’s always still there.

Let’s start by getting some terminology out of the way.  I’m not using “sexuality” as a synonym for sexual orientation.  I am asexual, and that’s not in doubt.  It’s likely even a large contributor to why I feel this way.  I’m using “sexuality” to refer to my feelings, thoughts, interactions, reactions related to sex and other stuff in that general neighborhood.

Now, some statements of fact which feel relevant to what I’m going to talk about:  I own a penis.  I experience physical arousal.  There are external factors which sometimes cause physical arousal.  I masturbate.  I enjoy it.  I have sex toys.  I look at porn.  I have had sex twice.  Fifteen years ago.  I live alone.  I am asexual.


When I hit puberty and first learned how to masturbate, it was something beyond top secret and fraught with peril.  Messages from all over were telling me how terrible it was.  You’ll go blind!  You’ll grow hair on your hands!  You’ll go sterile!  It’s a sin!  It was something only losers did.  My ultra-Christian neighbor from an American Taliban household even gave me a mixtape that had a Christian Punk song about how “Masturbation is artificial sex” that probably detailed the eternal fiery horrors that awaited those who went downtown.  (Fun fact:  The pervy neighbor kid mentioned in the other post?  Same guy.)  Of course, none of those messages were coming from my parents.  They never talked to me about it, but I suspect their thoughts would have been “Lock the door and clean up after”.  But those messages were so pervasive from other places that they absolutely tainted how I felt, even though I didn’t believe most of them.

And it tainted what I did.  No one could ever find out.  I would take precautions worthy of an undercover agent.  Only in the shower, where the evidence will be washed away and if someone walks in, I can say I’m just cleaning it, nothing else going on.  Eventually, that expanded to being willing to do it while sitting on the toilet, but in that case, I had to use toilet paper to wrap myself and catch every drop.  (Not sure how I was going to explain that if someone walked in…)

Either way, securely locked in the bathroom was the only place I was willing to do it for years.  On extremely rare occasions, I would grab a bit of hand lotion from the front room, but that felt like a mission behind enemy lines.  The house had to be vacant and expected to remain that way for hours if not days, all the doors were locked and checked, all the rooms were cleared, and then I’d make my move, grabbing a bit of lotion and running to the safety of the locked bathroom.  I was terrified that every milliliter of lotion was being tracked and that I’d be discovered, so I did not do this often.

Eventually, I worked up the courage to try it in my bedroom.  I think my parents were going to be gone for the weekend, and I was home alone.  I triple checked the house to make sure it was empty, closed all the curtains in the house, checked the garage to make sure their car was gone, locked all the doors, then went into my bedroom and locked that door, too.  I didn’t strip naked and get comfortable on my bed in order to have the most relaxed and pleasant experience possible.  Instead, I was kneeling in front of my bedroom window, watching the driveway through a crack in the blinds, just in case.  I kept my clothes on and did the deed through my fly.  Not only was it all wrapped up in toilet paper, I added a layer of paper towel, to be extra special sure that everything would be contained.  That happened maybe twice, total.  Too risky.

Masturbation was something I did, but not something I felt I was allowed to do.  It felt good, but it really wasn’t something I was able to enjoy, because I constantly had to be on guard or taking steps to hide the evidence.

I mention all of this, not to tell funny/embarrassing stories of my youth, but to detail how secret and forbidden I felt the whole thing was, and the lengths I felt I had to go to to conceal it.  And certainly, I’m sure that other teenagers went through the same sorts of cloak-and-dagger routine to hide what they were doing.  But some of that never left me.


Fast forward, years later.  I have my own place.  I knew by then that masturbation was common and that it didn’t cause random hair growth, etc.  It had, by then, largely turned into something I was able to enjoy.  But there were still limits.  It was still done in the shower most of the time.  I was able to occasionally work up the nerve to do it naked and relaxed in bed, but that was rare.  I lived alone.  No one would catch me, no one would know, but still, it somehow felt like the locked bathroom was the only truly private, safe place I had.

I had moved beyond using toilet paper and had discovered that various lubricants worked much better.  But those had to be purchased.  At a store.  Where I had to get them off a shelf.  Where I had to walk around the store with the item in my cart.  Where a checkout clerk had to scan them.  They are going to know.  They are going to know why I’m buying hand lotion.  They are going to know and they are going to report me.

Buying sex toys was a multi-faceted operation.  First, finding the toy involved a lot of false starts and cleared search history.  When I finally found something, it was probably a couple of weeks before I actually made the purchase.  I used a second browser and completely cleared out the history when I was done.  No one else ever used my computer, but you could never be too careful.  (Not to mention the fear that the computer would somehow glitch out and start forwarding the order receipt to everyone I knew, or that it would set a picture of the item as my wallpaper and not let me change it.)  Then, when the item arrived, it was dropped off at the leasing office, so I had to go in to pick it up.  They have x-ray eyes or the box broke open so they know somehow.  They know.  They’re all going to laugh at me and I’m going to get evicted now.  I even remember thinking that my new job would find out about it somehow and fire me.

Who did I think was going to find out my dark secret?  Why did I think it was a dark secret?  I knew there was nothing wrong with it, but why did it feel wrong?

But no, not wrong.  Not bad.  Not in itself.  It wasn’t about someone discovering that I masturbate, it was about someone discovering that I was in possession of something that didn’t belong to me.  That act, those feelings, that glimmer of sexuality, I wasn’t supposed to have that.  I could pretend that it was mine, I had learned how enough of it worked to get by, but in the end, it wasn’t mine.  And any time I tried to embrace a part of it or expand on what I knew, that put me at risk of the whole thing falling apart.  Changing routine is what gets you caught.


I’ve been talking about masturbation a lot, because that’s my primary interaction with the world of sexuality, it’s not just that I feel like this about.  Anything remotely sexual seems to set off the same alert buzzers in my head.  I remember agonizing for a month about whether or not I should stop by the Student Health Center at college to pick up a free condom, because it seemed like a good idea to know how they worked.  Even when I went to the health center a couple of times for something unrelated, I couldn’t bring myself to grab a few, because someone might see me.  For years, any sort of undressing had to be done within the protection of the locked bathroom.  I couldn’t change at the closet where all the clothes were.  If I didn’t have a towel after a shower, I would have to dart to the hall closet to get one, after carefully peeking my head out the door to make sure no one was around. Sleeping in the nude was right out.  Hell, sleeping in anything less than full clothes on even the hottest nights wasn’t something I felt I could do.  (And this is all when I lived alone in my own apartment and there was no reasonable expectation that anyone would be there.)  Whenever coworkers or friends talk about sex, I tend to shut off and pull back into my shell.  Certain types of sex scenes in movies make me uncomfortable to watch.  Beaches in Hawaii were unpleasant because of the amount of skin present.


While things have changed and gotten better over the years, this still comes up even today.  I rarely go downstairs in my house unless I’m fully dressed.  I still think that the mail carrier and neighbors will know what’s in certain packages I get, or that some package thief will grab one and blackmail me over what’s inside.  Any book that’s remotely sex related (Even a general anatomy reference guide) doesn’t get put on the bookshelf, it gets hidden.  So does any movie with “too much sex” in it.  I’ll clear my clipboard if I ever copy/paste something remotely sexual.  I’ll hide the hand lotion whenever someone comes over.  Sex toys are removed from the closed cabinet in the headboard (that no visitor would ever open) and hidden in the closet.  I even feel weird about having a box of tissues near my bed, because of the potential association it might have, even though I really do only use them to blow my nose.  And I’ll censor what I talk about or feel weird about posting on Asexual Activities, even though that was deliberately designed to be an uncensored place to talk about those sorts of things.

And it’s not a general “Sex is bad, run away” reaction, either.  When I’m in a scenario where I have permission, where sexuality is expected, it’s fine.  When I had a girlfriend, we did sexual things.  I was awkward and I had no idea what I was doing really, but I didn’t feel like I shouldn’t be doing any of it.  At work, I had to test the adult filter settings on a service we ran, which basically meant searching for porn all day and making sure that the nudie pics showed up in the results or were blocked, depending on the settings.  That was just doing my job.  And I can dive in and research all sorts of random things for people who have questions on Asexual Activities, without any issues at all.  But if I want to know about those things personally, I get a bit nervous.

So, what’s going on?  Why do I feel this way?  Why do I have so many blocks and caution signs put up around so many expressions of sexuality, even when they’re completely private?  Well, the two broad areas that I think are coming into play here are society’s views on masturbation (specifically male masturbation) and the fact that I’m asexual, and the way those two things interact.


Society basically requires men to masturbate.  If you don’t, you’ll be a two pump chump, your balls will fill up and explode, you’ll become a slobbering ball of horniness, and you’ll get cancer.  But masturbation is only permitted in very specific scenarios.  It must only be done when there isn’t a suitable partner available, and when it is done, it must be done while fantasizing about an acceptable person.  And regardless, you’ll be mocked and ridiculed for doing it.  You’re a pervy loser who can’t get laid.

Masturbation is seen as a replacement for “real” sex.  You’re not supposed to do it if real sex is available.  If you are forced to do it, due to a lack of real sex, you must be imagining having real sex with someone while you do it.  It is not to be done within the context of a relationship, unless it somehow involves your partner, because the involvement of your partner allows you to claim that you’re doing it for them.  It’s never permitted to be pursued in its own right, it must always be a substitute, never the main event, and any pleasure you take from it must be surrogate pleasure that’s being provided on behalf of your fantasy.

You can use porn to help, but not too much of it or the wrong kind of it.  Oh, and by the way, any amount is too much and any kind is the wrong kind.  Possession of nudity in all forms makes you a pervy loser worthy of mocking and ridicule.  (Unless it’s an oil painting, a sculpture, or soft-focus photograph, then that’s art and therefore perfectly acceptable.  But you’re not permitted to be aroused by that in any way.)

Sex toys are an absolute no when you’re alone.  If you’re a pervy loser for masturbating, you’re an especially pervy loser if you use a toy.  If you’re using a toy, you’ve given up hope of ever getting “real sex”, so you’re trying to find a second-rate simulation with a sleazy blow up doll.  You’re so perverted that you’d rather fuck a rubber pussy than use your hand.  And if the toy gets you off, you must have the hots for an inanimate object.  It doesn’t help that sex toys for men have a stigma of being creepy and weird (likely because so many of them actually are creepy and weird).

And finally, look at how it’s portrayed and discussed.  If it’s ever brought up in a movie or a TV show, it’s a punchline.  When it’s mentioned in the news, it’s universally negative.  It’s a peeper at a window, a creeper in the bushes at the park, or a movie executive abusing his position.  It’s never a positive sexual health piece about how it’s normal and safe and fun and here’s these awesome toys to try.  There are dozens of examples of where masturbation for women is held up as an empowering act, an important skill to learn.  Hell, there’s one movie where it literally brings color to a dull black and white town, with so much energy that it sets a tree on fire.  But when it’s a man involved, he’s invariably a dirty, pervy overly horny creep who can’t control himself.

 

That sort of constant stream of negative messages will really mess you up.


Being asexual adds a number of complicating layers on top of an already complicated situation.

I mentioned earlier that I felt like I didn’t have permission to have sexuality.  Well, a huge part of that is that it feels like my own body never gave me permission.  It physically responds when prompted, yes, but that’s all mechanical.  It seems like other people will start to become interested in sexual things, and think “Am I allowed to do this?  Do I have permission?”, and their body will respond with a resounding, hormone charged “YES”.  Yes, you have permission to think you’d like to have sex with that person, in fact, why don’t you think about that when you touch yourself and it’ll make the whole thing better.  My body doesn’t do that.  My body’s all “What are you on about?  I don’t understand what’s going on here.  Do you need something?”

Sexuality in our culture is supposed to be directed at someone.  You can only wear “sexy” clothes when you’re trying to attract someone, not because you like how they look or because they’re comfortable on a hot day.  You can only masturbate if you’re fantasizing about someone and you’re treating it as practice for the “real sex” you’d rather have, not because you just want to get off.  You can only have sex because you find someone attractive and want to share a moment with them, not because you just like the way orgasms feel when they’re provided by someone else.   Your sexuality is never really yours.  Even when it’s entirely in your imagination and private, there’s a part of it that’s directed outward, and it’s that part that makes it acceptable.  But I can never do that.  I can’t include anyone else.  My sexuality isn’t directed at anyone, my asexuality won’t let that happen.  My sexuality can never be acceptable.

And when an expression of sexuality isn’t directed outward, it’s treated as if there’s something being hidden.   Touching yourself while imagining being with your partner, that’s fine.  Jacking off to nudie pics, that’s fine.  Pleasuring yourself to a fantasy about the person that was in front of you at the coffee shop that morning, that’s fine.   Using a toy supposedly modeled on a porn star, that’s fine.  But masturbating to nothing?  Well, come on now, you just can’t do that.  What are you thinking about?  If you can’t say, then just what kind of dark, depraved secrets are you hiding?

I can’t even look at porn right.  Porn is supposed to be fantasy fuel.  I’m supposed to want to be there, I’m supposed to put myself in the scene, I’m supposed to imagine what I’d do with the person featured.  Everything is supposed to be a stand-in for my penis.  The cock on that guy is supposed to be mine.  That toy is supposed to be my disembodied penis.  Those fingers, are they supposed to be my fingers or my penis?  I can never tell.  And if there isn’t a surrogate penis in the scene, then I’m supposed to mentally introduce my own into the picture.  Every shot, every angle, every position, they’re all designed to indicate that the surrogate cock or imaginary penis is being worked on.  That seems to be how everyone looks at porn.  That’s why that sort of porn is so prevalent, that’s how everyone describes their reaction to it, that’s even how people frame their objections to pornography, that it encourages lustful thoughts, because you’re imagining committing adultery and/or fornication.

But that’s not what it does for me.  I never picture myself in the scene.  I never teleport my penis onto another body or into the plastic shell of a toy.  That doesn’t work for me.  That sort of emphasis is dull and boring and leaves me confused, wondering whether people really like that sort of thing.  This is supposed to be a turn on?  That’s supposed to be hot?  Doesn’t that chafe?  Isn’t that tiring?  I’m pretty sure I can’t bend that way.  For most people, porn is a way for them to explore their sexuality, to let their fantasies wander.  But for me, it’s a big wall.  My body and my mind are just standing there saying “Nope, you don’t belong here.”  I don’t have permission.

(And honestly, even when it’s a video I’ve taken of myself, I can’t put myself in the scene…)

That’s not to say porn never works at all.  It does.  Sometimes.  Rarely.  It’s best when the performers seem to genuinely be having a good time, doing things they actually want to be doing, instead of trudging through a script for the camera.  My response feels more empathetic than sexual.  They seem to be having a good time, doing things that feel good, so I can have a good time, doing things that feel good.  But a lot of pictures and videos have to be clicked past to get to that sort of thing, and all that clicking and clicking feels like a chore, especially when I know that almost all of what I’m clicking past is going to be more than adequate for other people.

And I seem to be repulsed by the stereotypical “porn star” look.  I don’t know if it’s the glossy fakeness of it all, or the overt, deliberate sexuality of it all, but something about it is a quick ticket to the land of “nope”.  It’s not appealing and I don’t even remotely understand what is supposed to be appealing about it.

There are some people who I find pleasant to look at, but pretty much none of them would be considered “sexy” by a jury of my peers.  And while it’s pleasant to look at them, it’s not a sexual pleasantness.  Sex isn’t in the picture.  If I try to fantasize about doing things with them, it all falls apart.  In the rare event that there’s someone in porn that I find pleasant to look at, that certainly helps things, but I don’t understand why.  I don’t think it’s anything about the pleasantness that’s subconsciously sexually enticing to me, because if that were the case, I’d be able to get the same enhancement by thinking about someone I find pleasant to look at that’s not in a pornographic context, but that doesn’t work at all.  Maybe it’s that because it’s pleasant to look at them, I’m able to look at the images for a longer period of time without getting bored?  Maybe I feel more comfortable?  I don’t know, but the whole thing feels like there’s some sort of neuron in my brain that would normally be responsible for sexual attraction, but it’s confused and not wired up correctly, so it just spends its time taunting me.  It’s arousing, but why?

The world of sex toys was not made for asexuals in mind.  So much of it is driven by fantasy and an attempt to convince someone that it’s fine to use sex toys.  It’s not a rubber tube that’s getting you off, it’s an anthropomorphized rubber replica of some porn star’s anatomy of choice, and so therefore, it’s really her that’s getting you off.   Here are some direct quotes from the marketing of a few sex toys:

“Ever wondered what it would be like to bone me? Now you can screw me in the nastiest ways!”

“Let her love tunnel’s ribbed Cyberskin grip you so good as you slide home.”

“Flip this cheerbabe over and dive under her skirt for some steamy anal play!”

“Stop dreaming about your hot neighbor… and start doing everything you’ve fantasized about with her!”

To be clear, these were talking about 4-6 inch long rubber tubes.  It wasn’t hard to find marketing copy like this.  Pretty much every toy has something like it.  That sort of thing does not enhance the experience for me at all.  It just feels creepy and sleazy and misogynistic and makes me less interested in the product.  Does that sort of thing even work for non-ace people, or are they just as skeeved out by it?

Most toys have some sort of anatomical features.  Most common are labia, to resemble a vulva.  But there’s also mouths and butts and breasts and feet.  There’s even some that have mouth-breasts and foot-vulvas.  Some toys claim to have a G-Spot or a cervix, neither of which ever resembles those actual structures.  (Anatomy lesson for sex-toy makers:  The cervix does not get penetrated during sex and it would likely be excruciatingly painful if that happened.)  And for the more adventurous, there’s double-clitted aliens, zombie mouths, dragon cocks and mare vulvas.  But whatever features they have, they all have a few things in common:  They can’t be seen when the toy is in use, they have little to no effect on the sensations of the toy, and they usually drive up the price of the toy for no reason.

And even non-anatomical toys aren’t very ace friendly.  One toy mentions that it’s great for use with a partner, another that its open ended design allows “added oral thrills” with a partner, another has product photos where it’s placed on a naked woman.  And pretty much any toy that doesn’t look like a vulva is sold as a “blow job simulator”.  When you try to buy a toy, you’re pretty much guaranteed to see some sort of genital depiction somewhere in the storefront.  If you look up lists of the best sex toys of men or look at male sex toy review sites, it’s pretty much guaranteed that cock rings and vibrators will be on the list, and it’s always about how “you’ll drive her wild” when you use them.  All of that is useless to me.  There’s never anything about the softness or stretchiness of the toy.  Dimensions are rarely mentioned.  There’s never anything about how a ring changes sensations or how to effectively use a Magic Wand style vibrator on a penis.  (I’m still trying to figure that last one out…  Nothing I’ve tried is reliable.)

I masturbate because I like the way it feels.  I use sex toys because I like the way they feel.  It’s all about the physical feelings.  It’s not about cleaning the pipes or about practicing for the Real Thing™.  It feels good.  Almost everyone else does it because it feels good, too, but no one’s allowed to admit it.  So they pile up a wall of excuses and rationalizations made up of desires and fantasies and imaginary health concerns to justify it and protect themselves from having to admit that they do it because it feels good, because that would be wrong.  And I don’t have any of those desires and fantasies, I don’t have anything besides the way it feels, so I’m all I’m left with is the feeling that it’s wrong.

And because I’m ace, I feel like I can’t talk about these things.  In a non-ace context, everything about sexuality is foreign to me.  I don’t understand the feelings, motivations, or goals that are in play.  If I try to read about masturbation techniques or look at sex toy reviews, it usually ends up with someone talking about how they just thought about “the girl from the bar I fucked last week” or that the toy “feels just like a blow job”, neither of which is remotely useful for me.  Every once in a while there’s something I understand, but it’s buried under an overwhelming mountain of stuff that just fundamentally does not make sense to me.  And in an ace context, these things just don’t get discussed.  All of these things are “sexual”, therefore they can’t be associated with an asexual person.  Some aces are reluctant to talk about it because they think it makes them “less asexual” to do it.  Some aces are reluctant to talk about it because they’re not comfortable talking in a semi-public arena about such things.  Some aces are reluctant to talk about it because they don’t want to offend or alienate other aces.  When I talk about it, and there’s little response, I can’t tell if no one’s paying attention, no one understands what I’m saying, no one feels comfortable talking about it themselves, or if what I’m talking about or the way I’m talking about it is dirty, pervy, and creepy, so it drives people away.  So I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about any of it, even in the place that I created to talk about it.

 

There’s no place where the way I feel is allowed to exist.


What if I’m not averse to sex, but averse to sexuality?  And not because it’s gross or disgusting, but because I can’t understand it.  Maybe I feel like I don’t have permission because none of it makes sense, so it’s obviously not something I’m supposed to be a part of.  It’s like I snuck into the field trip for the wrong class and we’re all at the planetarium of naked people, but asstronomy was never covered in my class.  And it’s frustrating that I don’t understand it, because everyone else knows what’s going on.  And so I play along because maybe there’s something out there which will unlock my sexuality, that somehow I’ll find my permission slip.

 


ETA:

On deeper reflection, it feels like a large part of it is that my sexuality is not typically desire-linked, yet the general cultural conception of sexuality is.  So all these desire-linked concepts are being layered on my experiences by external forces, and I’m not comfortable with that.  I’m supposed to be feeling sexual desire for someone, I’m supposed to be able to connect that desire to my actions, I’m supposed to be able to kindle that desire through surrogate objects.  But that’s not what’s going on, don’t assume that’s what’s going on, don’t make me feel like I have to correct the record, don’t make me feel like I have to play along.

This outside overlay of desire-linked sexuality on top of what I’m feeling is alien, unwanted, invasive.  I don’t really see masturbation as sexual in the way other people mean it.  And so there’s a fundamental disconnect there which I keep trying to reconcile.  It’s just something I do that feels good, but other people/society/whatever keeps trying to layer meaning on it, interject their own analysis and inferences and innuendo or whatever.

It’s not so much that I don’t have permission, it’s that in a fundamental way I don’t recognize the concept of sexuality as it exists for most other people.  They’re using a different file format for sexuality, and I’m incompatible with it.  I don’t know what to do with the data being passed to me and just end up throwing a bunch of internal exceptions.

Maybe I’m Not Really Asexual Because I Masturbate

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This is one of the more common doubts.  It’s been written about extensively, including elsewhere on this site.  So let me get right to the point:  Masturbating does not somehow disqualify you from being ace.  It’s that simple.

So why does this remain such a pervasive doubt?  Why do so many people think doing it means they can’t be asexual?  A large part of it is the cultural perception that masturbation is some sort of “substitute sex”, that it’s only done as a replacement for all the sex you can’t get with someone else.  This same attitude underlies the thinking that people who masturbate are losers who can’t get any, and that someone is a sexual failure if they discover that their partner masturbates.  In that line of thinking, someone who masturbates obviously wants sex with someone.

Well, that thinking is complete nonsense.  Masturbation is not substitute sex, it’s not always a replacement for “the Real Thing”.  It can, and does, exist on its own.

Some people think that masturbation means someone isn’t asexual because masturbation is a sexual activity, involving sexual organs.  Yeah, and?  What does that have to do anything?  The word “asexual” describes a sexual orientation, it does not mean someone is completely free of all sexual characteristics and can never, under any circumstances, take part in any activity that is sexual in nature.  Under that type of interpretation, they would also have to believe that the word “homosexual” refers to someone who consistently takes part in exactly the same type of sexual activity every time they do something or that heterosexual people are infinitely varied because they must always do something different.  Clearly, that’s a ridiculous assertion.

There is also a common belief that the reason someone masturbates may indicate whether or not someone is asexual.  Some people seem to think that the only acceptable reasons are to “handle a pesky libido” or to “clear out the pipes”.  Certainly, those are acceptable reasons for an asexual person to masturbate.  Here are a few others:  Because it relieves stress.  Because it relieves period cramps.  Because you’re bored.  Because you need to provide a sperm donation for your best friend’s IVF treatment.  Because if you don’t, you’ll have to clean the sheets.  Because you’re curious.  Because you like orgasms.  Because you’re taking part in a masturbate-a-thon for charity.  Because your partner likes to watch.  Because that thing you just read made your privates all tingly.  Because why not?  Because.

There are countless other becauses, countless other acceptable reasons for an asexual person to masturbate.  Just about the only because that might cause a legitimate doubt about your asexuality is “I masturbate because I’m sexually attracted to someone”.  But even that one can’t rule out demisexuality or gray-asexuality.  And it might not even rule out asexuality, as some of the other doubts will explore.

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Although you are ace, do you still masturbate?

Q: Although you are ace, do you still masturbate? because I thought asexual meant little to no sexual attraction to anyone. but i dunno

Yes, I do.

As you say, asexuality is about attraction, it’s not about action.  Absolutely nothing about masturbating conflicts with asexuality in any way.  You don’t have to feel attraction in order to do it.  And it’s not like there’s a straight way to masturbate and a gay way to masturbate and there’s no ace way to masturbate.  Pretty much everyone who does it, does the same thing, regardless of orientation.

Some people think that there’s a list of approved reasons that an ace can masturbate, and if an asexual dare touch themselves for any other reason, they’re automatically thrown out of the orientation.  That’s ridiculous.  An asexual can masturbate because they want to “clean the pipes” or an asexual can masturbate for stress relief or an asexual can masturbate because they really really like orgasms, and they’re still asexual.  (Personally, I do it because I really really like orgasms…)

People who try to claim that someone who masturbates can’t be asexual never seem to have a good answer for what it makes a person instead.  If I’m not ace because I masturbate, what am I?  I’m still not a member of the female or male sexual fan clubs after I’ve done it, so how could I possibly be anything other than asexual?

I’ve written more on the subject here and here and here.

An Asexual’s Guide To … Masturbation

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What is masturbation?

Masturbation is the self-stimulation of the genitals, typically to orgasm.

Less scientific, please?

Masturbation is touching yourself downstairs in a way that causes your body to respond.  It’s also known as “jacking off”, “jilling off”, “playing with yourself”, and roughly three hundred thousand other euphemisms.  In most cases, but not all, the intent is to make yourself feel good down there.

Commonly, masturbation involves using your hand to make a repetitive rubbing or stroking motion on your clitoris or penis.  Usually, this is done for several minutes until orgasm occurs.  However, masturbation techniques and outcomes are widely varied. Sometimes people rub against an object of some sort.  Sometimes people use items called “sex toys”, which are designed for use with the genitals during masturbation.  Sometimes people don’t have an orgasm while they masturbate.  There’s no “One True Way™” to masturbate.

Why would I do that?

Well, for many people, masturbation feels good, and that’s enough of a reason for them.

But that’s not the only reason people have for masturbating.  Some people do it to help them fall asleep.  Some people do it to relieve headaches or cramps.  Some people do it because their body tells them to.  Some people do it because their partners enjoy watching.  Some people do it because they’re bored.  Some people do it because they want to know what it’s like.  And that’s just a small subset of the reasons that people masturbate.

Should I masturbate?

If you want to, go ahead.  If you don’t want to, don’t.  If you’re on the fence, maybe give it a try. It’s your body, you decide.  Don’t let anyone talk you into it or force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with doing.  If you try it out and don’t care for it, you’re free to stop.

Does it always feel good?

For many people, it usually does, but not always.  Most people who masturbate have, at one time or another, had bland or unsatisfying orgasms.  Some people rarely, if ever get any pleasure from it.  In some cases, the situation you’re in may make it difficult to get any pleasure from it.  Maybe you’re too preoccupied by something else, and your mind’s just not in it.  In other cases, it may be a matter of technique.  Maybe you’re just not doing it quite the right way, and if you tried a different method, it might feel a lot better.  And in rare cases, there is a medical condition that prevents it from feeling good.  One such condition is sexual anhedonia, which is the inability to feel pleasure from sexual activities.  Talk to a doctor if you think you might have that and you feel that it’s a problem.

Masturbation should never hurt, so if it does hurt, you should probably stop and change what you’re doing. (Unless that’s what you’re into…  But that discussion is outside of the scope of this guide.)

Does masturbating mean I’m not asexual?

Masturbation, at its core, is a physical act which has nothing to do with sexual attraction.  Although many people use it as an outlet for their sexual attraction, masturbating does not actually require sexual attraction in any way.

Masturbating does not make you less ace.

Masturbating does not make you a bad ace.

No matter how you masturbate, whether you use anatomically correct toys, whether you do something that simulates or resembles partnered sex in some way, whether or not you enjoy it, and no matter what body parts you choose to involve nor how you choose to involve them, none of it will ever make you straight or gay or whatever or ever mean you’re not asexual.  Just because you’re not attracted to anyone doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to take care of yourself.

So, to put it simply and directly:  Whether or not you masturbate has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you’re asexual.

I keep hearing other aces say they do it to “scratch an itch”, but I do it because it feels good.  Does this mean I’m not asexual?

Again:  Whether or not you masturbate has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you’re asexual.  This also goes for why you masturbate.

Many asexuals who masturbate say they do it because it feels good.  There is nothing un-asexual about masturbating strictly for pleasure.

I’ve never done it before.  How do I get started?

First, it’s okay to not know how and want a few tips.  After all, we didn’t come with owner’s manuals, and it’s not all that apparent what to do or what’ll happen if you do it.  Some people accidentally discover it out of the blue, some people figure it out by piecing together clues, while others learn from someone or somewhere.

One of the most important things to remember when you’re first trying to masturbate is that you shouldn’t go into it with expectations that are unreachable.  If you’re expecting that you’ll have a flawless performance and end up with a mindblowing orgasm that leaves you unable to move from its power, then you’re going to be disappointed.  The first time you try to masturbate, you’re not going to have a mindblowing orgasm.  You probably won’t have an orgasm at all.  This doesn’t mean you’re broken and it doesn’t mean that you can’t ever have an orgasm.  More than likely, it just means that you don’t know what you’re doing, and that’s okay.  So don’t get discouraged.  If you get discouraged, you’re going to start to think that you can never have an orgasm, and having negative thoughts like that going in are going to kill your chances.

Masturbation is a skill.  It’s something you have to learn and practice to get good at.  It’s not some innate instinct that you’re supposed to be born knowing exactly how to do it perfectly.  It takes patience and persistence to get right.  It’s a bit like throwing a ball.  If you’d never thrown a ball before, and I handed you one and asked you to toss it through a hoop on the other side of the room, chances are, you’d miss spectacularly.  The timing, the force, the motion, it’d all be wrong.  But you’d try again and again, and eventually, you’d throw it through the hoop.  Might just be a stroke of luck, but the ball went through the hoop, so yay!  Then, the next ten times in a row, you miss.  But over time, you figure out what it takes, and soon enough, you’re hitting the hoop more often than you miss.  So don’t worry if you don’t get it right away.  The key is to keep trying and don’t give up just because it doesn’t work the first few times.  Don’t be afraid to fail, because failure is how you learn what doesn’t work.  I probably tried unsuccessfully for months before I had an orgasm.  I knew it could be done, I’d heard it was worth it, but I just couldn’t figure out exactly the right motions to perform.  (This was before the days where I could have just done a search for “How do I masturbate?” and gotten an answer in thirty seconds.)

So, start out by just experimenting.  Touch yourself various ways in different places and see what works and what doesn’t.  If you find something that sorta works, build off of that.  Try something close to it: A little faster, a little slower, a little harder, a little lighter, half an inch to the left…  Focus on arousal first.  Don’t even necessarily try for an orgasm at first, just try to find out what gets your motor running.  Even if you have specific and explicit how-to instructions, there’s a very good chance that some part of them won’t work as described, and that you’ll have to go off script.  Approach it with curiosity and follow it where it leads you.

Remember that an orgasm won’t come instantly.  It’ll take a while.  Even if you know exactly what to do, it’ll still take a while.  And if you’re still figuring things out, it might take a long time.  So be patient.  That’s probably why I was unsuccessful for so long.  I would only try for a minute or so during a shower and give up when I didn’t get anywhere.  Eventually, I must’ve hit the right spot and it felt good enough to keep going for a while longer, and that’s when I had my first orgasm.

Try not to think of masturbation as some sort of substitute for partnered sex, because it’s not.  A lot of people do think of it that way, and so a lot of people try to masturbate in a way that simulates intercourse with another person.  You don’t have to do it that way.  In fact, it’s often better if you don’t do it that way.

You may have heard of the G-Spot or the prostate or some other feature or trick that’s supposedly the source of unending ecstasy.  Understandably, you might want to go straight for the big prize and skip all that other diddling about.  No matter how enticing, that would likely prove futile.  That would be like trying to win the Super Bowl even though you’ve never touched a football.  You’re probably just going to end up frustrated and disappointed if you try to do too much, too soon.  Take your time.  Practice.  Gradually work up to attempting that sort of thing, if you even feel the need to try it at all.  If you don’t enjoy basic masturbation, then prostate stimulation or a G-Spot orgasm or whatever other super-duper special technique that’s out there probably isn’t going to change your mind.

And finally, don’t be afraid of a little “help”.  There’s nothing wrong with using toys to help you get there.  Some people try everything under the sun and don’t get anywhere, but as soon as they feel the little bzzzzt of a vibrator downstairs, everything changes.  Sometimes, people need something extra to reach orgasm and can’t get anywhere without one.  Other times, they’ll learn how to masturbate using a toy, and take those learnings and find a way that works using only their hands.

Is there anything I should do to prepare before I masturbate?

First, you’ll want to have some idea of what you’re going to do.  You might be able to figure it out through trial and error, but it’s likely going to be more productive if you have a general idea of where the important bits are and how to use them.  The information in this post series will hopefully put you on the right track.

Next, you’ll probably want to set aside some time to experiment.  It’s probably best if you won’t be interrupted and are free to spend as much time as you need on it.  Many people masturbate just before going to sleep for the night.

Find someplace comfortable.  A comfy chair, a nice couch, your bed, in the bath or the shower.  Someplace where you can spend some time and not be distracted by your environment.  A hard chair in a cold, noisy room would probably not be a good choice if you can avoid it.

Lock your door.  Being interrupted in the middle of playtime has a way of making you lose interest.

Have a towel or some tissues handy.  Depending on what you do, how you do it, and how your body responds, masturbation can get a bit messy.  It’s better to be prepared where you are, than to try to get to the nearest sink when you’re done.

You may want to obtain some sort of lube before you begin.  Since many masturbation methods involve the repeated rubbing of a small area of skin, attempting it without lubrication can often lead to irritation of fairly sensitive body parts.  Lube specifically designed for sexual activity (Usually referred to as “personal lubricant” and found in the drugstore next to the condoms and pregnancy tests) is typically best.  Other lubricants may stain fabric, dry out your skin, or contain ingredients that could potentially cause infections in particularly unwanted places.  Saliva can also work if nothing else is available.  When aroused, both the penis and the vagina may produce lubricating fluids, so your body may produce enough on its own, without any artificial additions.  On the other hand, you may not need lubrication at all.  (Note that water is not a lube.  While it makes floors slippery, it won’t make your genitals slippery.)

How, specifically,  do I do it?

There are detailed guides located here:

An Asexual’s Guide To … Female Masturbation  (For most women, most girls, and anyone else who happens to have a clitoris.)

An Asexual’s Guide To … Male Masturbation  (For most men, most boys, and anyone else who happens to have a penis.)

I’m afraid I don’t have a guide for intersex people or people who have transitioned.  When I was preparing this series, I tried to research those topics, but did not find much information.  If anyone has any good resources, please let me know about them.  Until then, it’s possible that some of the information in the posts above might prove useful.

Can I learn what to do by watching porn?

Watching porn to learn about sexual activities in any way is a bit like watching the WWE to learn how to wrestle.  What you’re seeing are scripted, choreographed performances.  Some people think it’s entertaining, sure, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  On rare occasions, there might actually be something accurate and useful.  But it’s not a documentary.  It’s not a how-to.  Most of what’s done is done because it plays well on camera, not because it’s particularly effective.

Is it a problem if I don’t masturbate?

No, not at all.  In the past fifty years, there have been exactly zero cases of people who were killed by an unresolved build-up of genital energy.  You’re not going to get painfully clogged up downstairs if you don’t test the release valve at least once a month.  You’re not going to get progressively more and more horny every day until you eventually your life is taken over by a crotchmonster begging for attention.  Even the purported health benefits of masturbation or orgasms are miniscule in the big picture.

Masturbation is not required to live a happy, healthy life.

I don’t want/like to masturbate.  Is there something wrong with me?

No, there is nothing wrong with you.  Masturbation is, for the most part, a recreational activity, and like any other recreational activity, it has fans and it has its detractors.  It’s essentially like playing video games or going fishing or building seismometers in your dining room for the fun of it.  Not everyone wants to take part in every recreational activity that’s out there.  No one would ever say “You can’t be human if you don’t build a seismometer in your dining room!”  It’s okay to not want to masturbate, same as it’s okay to not want to go fishing.

Any reason you have for not wanting to masturbate or not liking to masturbate is a valid one, and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.  It’s okay not to masturbate.  You’re not less of a person, you’re not broken, you’re not “missing out”, you’re not any of the things people might say.  If you don’t want to, you don’t want to.  If you don’t like it, you don’t like it.  It’s your decision and yours alone.

After all, masturbation is essentially the act of putting your hand down by where you pee and waggling it about repetitively for a few minutes in an attempt to cause muscle spasms and fluid discharge.  It’s perfectly acceptable to not be interested in taking part.

I don’t like to masturbate, but I feel like I have to.

Why do you feel like you have to?  If it’s because of societal pressure, because “everyone masturbates” or something like that, well, the hell with societal pressure.  If you don’t like it, don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks, and just don’t do it.  You never, ever have to masturbate if you don’t want to.

If you feel like you have to because you’ve got an overactive libido that just won’t shut up until you do, then you can actively try to resist it.  Distract yourself.  Do something that takes a lot of concentration.  Get out of the house, so you won’t have a place to do it.  Avoid things that make you think about masturbating or are erotic in some way.  Remember that physical arousal does not require your attention.  Wear clothes that make access difficult.  Just don’t give in.  While it may feel strong in the moment, your libido will typically die down if you don’t pay attention to it.  You won’t suffer any physical damage if the urges aren’t followed.

If you feel like you have to because you’ll have wet dreams if you don’t, know that masturbation isn’t necessarily going to prevent them.  In some cases, masturbating will cause your body to produce more sperm, thereby making it more likely that you’ll have a wet dream if you don’t take care of yourself within a couple of days.  If you don’t ejaculate regularly, the sperm production may slow down and the wet dreams might dry up.  Also, past the hormone soup of the early teen years, nocturnal emissions typically become less and less frequent.  You may not have them as often as you used to when you started masturbating to prevent them.  And consider if it’s even worth the effort.  Is preventing an occasional wet spot in your undies in the morning worth doing something you hate every couple of days?

Then again, while there’s nothing wrong with not liking to masturbate, you can still try to dive into understanding why you don’t like it, and see if there’s any way to change that.  If you don’t like it because you feel shame or guilt or it makes you feel dirty, then know that there’s nothing wrong with it.  If you don’t like it because you’re repulsed by your genitals, then you might want to consider looking into exposure therapy to try to overcome the aversion.  If you don’t like it because you simply don’t get anything from it, then you can try a different technique and see if the situation improves.  But remember, you don’t have to like it, and you shouldn’t feel like you should do any of those things if you don’t want to do them.

Will I break myself if I masturbate?

Not unless you do it wrong.

You won’t turn into a sex-obsessed freak, you won’t change your sexual orientation, you won’t wear out your genitals, and you won’t use up your precious bodily fluids.

As far as physical damage goes, as long as you’re careful, you’re probably fine.  You may encounter some soreness initially, either on your genitals from rubbing too hard or for too long, or in your hand or wrist from the repetitive motion.  You can generally prevent the genital soreness by using lube, and the hand soreness by using a different hand position or simply by getting used to it.  More serious injuries, like vaginal tears or a sprained penis, are rare and are often the result of something you’d probably think would be a bad idea before you did it.  So, if you think it’s a bad idea, don’t do it!

Can I masturbate too much?

Under typical circumstances, no.  After you have an orgasm, you’ll typically lose interest in having another for a while.  Also, it’s typically more difficult to have another orgasm for some time.  In this way, your body is somewhat self-regulating.

However, if you ever get sore, it might be time to take a rest.  You don’t want to rub yourself raw.  Come back later and try again.

How long does it take?

Typically anywhere from a couple of seconds to a couple of hours.  There’s no set time for how long you should masturbate, and there’s no way to know how long it will take you to reach orgasm.  Every time is different.  Sometimes people will race straight to the finish and be done in a minute or two, while other times people will take their time and enjoy every moment.  Sometimes you may be very aroused and come almost as soon as you start, while other times you may try your best for half an hour and just can’t get yourself there.  In the average case, people tend to take between five and twenty minutes to reach orgasm while masturbating.  However, there’s nothing wrong if you’re faster or slower than that.

I want it to be faster.  What do I do?

In many cases, stronger stimulation will get you to orgasm faster.  Increase the pressure and speed of the stimulation as you masturbate.  Using a toy, such as a vibrator or sleeve may also help.  And finally, in many cases, something like porn or erotic literature may speed things along.

I want it to last longer.  What do I do?

Learn your body’s cues.  If you learn how to tell when you’re approaching the point of no return just before an orgasm, then you’ll be able to slow down or stop for a moment before you get there.  This pause will back you away from the edge of the orgasm.  After the pause, you can continue stimulation for a while before you get back to the edge.  You can repeat this process for as long as you want.  When you’re ready to have an orgasm, just keep stimulating yourself and you’ll get there.

It’s so boring!  What do I do?

Well, if you find it boring and you don’t feel a need to do it or don’t like doing it, then the easiest way to alleviate the boredom is to stop masturbating.  You don’t have to do it, and if you don’t get anything out of it, why bother?

On the other hand, if you do get something out of it or feel that you physically have to do it, there are a couple of things you can try.  Switching up your technique may work.  Maybe masturbation’s boring because you’ve gotten used to what you do, or what you do just isn’t all that exciting.  Try a different position, different hand, or include something you typically don’t include.  You can also try multitasking.  Do something else at the same time that you’re masturbating, like read a book or watch TV or whatever.  Eventually, you’ll reach a point where it’s a quick trip to the orgasm, if that’s where you’re headed.  At that point, concentrate and get it over with, then continue with whatever you were doing.

I live with other people.  What should I do about that?

If you’re living with a romantic and/or sexual partner, or someone similar to that, then in most cases, you can include them.  You can let them watch, invite them to join, ask them to help, or just let them know what you’re planning on doing.  For the most part, they’re not going to mind, and, particularly in the case of a non-asexual sexual partner, there’s a good chance that they’re going to be thrilled at the chance to watch or help out.

If you’re living with roommates or your family, you’re probably not going to go around broadcasting what you’re doing.  If you have your own room, then you can probably lock the door (or just close it, if you trust no one will barge in), and have at it.  If you’re worried about the potential for noise, then playing some music or turning on the TV will typically cover for that.  If you share a room, you might be able to get away with doing it under the covers at night, if you’re careful enough.  You can also wait until everyone else leaves and you’re sure they’ll be gone long enough for you to finish.

In any case, masturbating in the bathroom or shower is always an option.  You’ll usually be able to have unquestioned privacy there, and, unless you spend an hour or two, most of the time no one will comment about how long you were in there.  Plus it’s easier to clean up afterwards.  In the shower, there’s the added benefit of the sound of the water to cover any sounds you might make.

Do I have to have an orgasm when I masturbate?

No, there is no reason you have to reach orgasm when you masturbate.  While that is the goal of many people when they do it, there’s no requirement that you have an orgasm during masturbation.  If you’re fine stopping without one, then go right ahead.  You won’t harm yourself if you don’t have an orgasm.  Any effects of arousal will likely quickly fade away.

There are many reasons to masturbate without reaching orgasm.  You can experience some of the pleasure, but skip most of the mess.  You might find the act of masturbation enjoyable, but dislike the sensation of orgasm.  And in some cases, not having an orgasm for a while may make the one you eventually have somewhat stronger.  And that’s just a few of the possibilities.  There are countless others.

I never have an orgasm when I masturbate.  Is that a problem?

I don’t know.  Is that a problem for you?

There’s no inherent physical problem that will be caused if you masturbate but don’t reach orgasm.  It’s not going to cause any damage.

So, it all depends on what you want.  If you want to have an orgasm when you masturbate, but can’t, then yes, that could be considered a problem.  If you’ve tried all manner of various techniques and methods and still nothing works, then you might want to talk to a doctor, in case there’s a treatable underlying physical or mental cause.

On the other hand, if it doesn’t bother you that you don’t have an orgasm when you masturbate, then no, it’s not a problem.  Don’t worry about how other people expect you should feel, and concentrate on how you actually feel.  If you’re just fine masturbating without orgasms, then it’s not an issue at all.

What if I don’t like fluids?  What should I do?

There are some specific techniques to be found in the how-to posts, but in general, it’s possible to masturbate without coming into contact with any kinds of fluids.  Some basic ways are to do it fully clothed, to use toys, or to do it in the shower where any fluids produced are immediately washed down the drain.

What if I don’t like touching my genitals?  What should I do?

There are some specific techniques to be found in the how-to posts, but in general, it’s possible to masturbate without having to touch your genitals directly.  Two common ways are to leave your clothes on or to use toys.

What if I don’t like being naked?  What should I do?

Nudity is not required in order to masturbate.  The how-to posts have a few techniques for doing it while partially or fully clothed.  Many people, even ones who don’t mind being nude, will sometimes masturbate with some clothing on, whether for comfort or convenience.  Masturbating under the covers in bed is another option, if that would make you feel less exposed.  You can also try masturbating while bathing, since you would probably be naked then anyway.

What should I think about when I masturbate?  Do I have to fantasize or think about sex?

You can think about anything you want.  Sexual fantasies are not required.  Many people will claim that you can’t masturbate unless you fantasize or think sexual thoughts about someone else, but that is flatly inaccurate.  It was years after I’d started masturbating that I realized that other people fantasized while doing it, because I never had.  And after I found out, I gave it a try, but it never worked for me.  I just found it distracting.

Some asexual people do fantasize, but it’s often thoughts of other people having sex, or of a featureless person doing sexual things to them.  It’s not really about attraction, more about the sexual actions that they’re imagining.  Of course, some asexual people don’t really think about anything in particular.  Simply thinking about something while masturbating does not automatically make it sexual.

Do I have to be aroused before I masturbate?

No.  Many people will decide to masturbate even when they’re not aroused, and have to get themselves aroused in order to be able to masturbate.  For some people, they have a routine, where they’ll masturbate before bed or in the shower or whatever, simply because they want to, not in response to any sort of bodily reaction.

Do I have to masturbate if I become aroused?

No, spontaneous arousal, if it happens, is just your body preparing for what it thinks is potential sexual activity, it’s not a demand that you engage in sexual activity.  If you ignore it, it’ll usually die down and go away.

Do I have to wait for my libido to act up before I masturbate?

No.  While your libido might encourage you to masturbate, there’s no reason you can’t masturbate any time you want, even if your libido isn’t active.  You might have to work a bit harder to get your body in gear, but it’s possible.  Many people have a masturbation routine, where they’ll masturbate whether or not their body is asking for it.  And some people who don’t even have a libido to speak of will masturbate.

Do I have to masturbate if my libido acts up?

Not if you don’t want to.  While your libido might be constantly nagging you to do something, it is possible to tell it no and not give in.  You won’t suffer any physical harm if you resist the libido’s call, and in most cases, it’ll give up and go away after a while.

What if I only masturbate when my libido acts up?

That’s perfectly fine.  You should never feel like you have to masturbate more often than you feel like you need to, just because other people do it more often.

Think of it like running.  There are some people who run several times a day, because they think it’s fun.  There are other people who only run when they have to, like when they need to catch a bus.  And some people will never run, no matter what.

What are sex toys?

Masturbation toys, also called sex toys, are a way to enhance or alter your masturbation experience.  You can use them in addition to or in place of another masturbation technique.   There are countless types of toys, designed to stimulate pretty much any part of your body in pretty much anyway imaginable (and quite a few unimaginable ways, too…).  Some common types are vibrators, sleeves, dildos, and rings.

Toys range from featureless to anatomically accurate.  In many cases, the anatomical accuracy is just for looks, and has little to do with the effectiveness of the toy.  If you’re not a fan of interacting with plastic or rubber simulated genitalia, there’s a good bet you can find an equivalent toy that looks less real.

Toys also range in quality from cheaply made pieces of junk to quality instruments that’ll last for years.  Unfortunately, price is not necessarily an indicator of quality.  Sometimes a cheap vibrator will faithfully buzz for years, while one that costs ten times as much will give out on its second go.  Check reviews or recommendations first, or limit your purchase to a price you wouldn’t mind throwing away if it’s no good.

Many sex toy shops are not particularly ace friendly.  Not to mention the general embarrassment and fear that many people, including non-asexual people, have about steping into one.  I’d simply recommend buying online.  Web stores like Drugstore.com and Amazon.com have a fairly decent selection of toys and ship in boxes that don’t draw attention.

I’ll talk about common toys and how they’re used in another post, since their use is pretty specific to the body part they’re used on.

Can asexual people use toys?

Absolutely!  There’s nothing that prohibits an asexual from using a toy to masturbate with, even a toy that’s anatomically shaped.

Am I too young to masturbate?

No, there is no lower age limit.  Some of the bits and pieces might not be in final working order yet, but nothing bad will happen if you start using them before they’re fully baked.

Am I too old to masturbate?

No, there is no upper age limit.  Many people keep going at it well into the senior home.  There’s a weird perception that masturbation is only for teenagers, but that’s simply not true.  It’s also never too late to start.  While many people first masturbate in their early teen years, during puberty, it’s not unheard of for someone to just be starting out in their thirties, forties, even seventies and older!

I feel dirty or shameful or embarrassed when I masturbate.

Feelings like this are often the result of being fed nonsense about how masturbation is for losers who can’t get laid or being told that masturbation is dangerous or being told that masturbation is a pathetic replacement for “real” sex or being told that masturbation is an immature activity.  It’s none of those things.   It’s the result of the same sorts of outdated and misguided thinking that brought us graham crackers, corn flakes, and routine non-religious circumcision as ways to prevent masturbation.  (Seriously.  Look it up.)  From personal experience, I can tell you none of those work.

For asexuals who masturbate, there’s the added confusion of performing a “sexual” act while being asexual.  Sometimes, people will think “I shouldn’t be doing this, because I’m asexual.”  Other times, people will be told that they can’t be asexual because they masturbate.  These sorts of things can lead to shame and doubt.

Shame and doubt and embarrassment and feeling dirty are not healthy.  Masturbation is a perfectly natural thing to do.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with it.  You shouldn’t feel dirty or embarrassed.  You shouldn’t let it make you doubt your asexuality.  It doesn’t matter why you masturbate, whether you’re doing it because it feels good for you or you’re doing it because your libido was nagging you or you’re doing it on a whim to see what it’s like or you’re doing it for whatever other reasons you have, you shouldn’t feel bad about it.

I’m repulsed.  What do I do?

If you’re repulsed and know that you wouldn’t like masturbating, then don’t do it.  You don’t have to try it out, you don’t have to do it because someone says that you should, you don’t have to do it because you feel like everyone else is doing it.  Don’t do it and don’t worry about it.  It’s nobody’s business but your own.

Think of it this way:  I don’t like Thai food.  Being around it, smelling it, even just thinking about it is repulsive to me.  I’ve never actually tried it, but I know that I would hate it and I have no interest in ever experiencing it first hand.  And I’m fine with that.  No amount of people saying “But it’s awesome!  It’s the best thing ever!” is going to change my mind. I don’t have a problem if you like it, just keep it away from me.  Your relationship with masturbation can be like my relationship with Thai food.  There’s nothing wrong with that.

It is possible that you may want to masturbate or feel that you have to even though you’re repulsed.  There are a number of techniques (detailed in other posts) for masturbating without direct genital contact.  You may find that these work and minimize the repulsion that you feel.  You can also try to work toward overcoming repulsion.  Often, repulsion stems from feeling that the genitals are icky and dirty. Tackling that feeling is a good place to start.  True, there’s a lot of stuff that can be dirty down below, but basic hygiene will generally take care of it.  In most cases, after you’ve bathed, there’s nothing particularly “dirty” about that region.  Even so, the sense that they’re icky may remain.  One way to try to overcome this sense of ickiness is to prove to yourself that nothing bad will happen to you if you touch down there, and that it’s very easy to clean your hands afterward.  I’d recommend doing this while you bathe, so that if you’re overcome by the ick factor, you can easily stop and clean off your hand:  Without a sponge or washcloth or a handful of soap lather or anything else, reach down and touch that area.  Hold your hand there for a while, but don’t do anything else.  Repeat this exercise every time you bathe for a while.  Hopefully you will become less and less nervous or repulsed by doing so, because you know that it’s safe.  This is called exposure therapy, and is how people are treated for anything from fear of spiders to fear of heights to compulsive hand washing.  As you become more and more comfortable, try doing more and more. Start trying to stimulate yourself, maybe start performing the exercise when you’re not in the shower.  Go slowly in this process, take your time.  There’s no time limit and you can take as long as you need to take to get there.  Eventually, you may be able to fully masturbate without overpowering repulsion.  (Then again, it may not work at all.  Remember, I’m not a psychologist or doctor or anything like that, I’m just someone with a website, so there’s a good chance that I have no idea what I’m talking about.)

I’m asexual, but I have a non-asexual partner.  I don’t like sex, but I do masturbate.  Is this okay?

Of course it’s okay.  No one, not even your partner, should ever coerce you into having sex you don’t want.  And it’s fine to masturbate and not have sex with your partner.  Although they typically involve the same body parts, they’re very different activities, and there’s no requirement that you do one if you do the other.  You do not owe your partner an orgasm, even if you have them on your own.

What are Kegels?  What’s the PC muscle?

Kegels are an exercise of the PC muscle which can potentially lead to stronger orgasms.  The PC muscle is the muscle used to control urination, so if you want to figure out what muscles they are, the next time you pee, stop yourself in the middle.  The muscles you squeezed are your PC muscles.  (PC is an abbreviation of something that’s too long, too difficult to spell, and too irrelevant to mention here.  Pretty much everyone just calls them the PC muscles.)

To perform a Kegel exercise, tense and relax the PC muscle repeatedly, sometimes keeping it tensed it for a few seconds.  You can do this at any time you want and as often as you want.  Like any exercise, to gain any benefit from it, you can’t just do it once every month or so.  If you plan to perform Kegel exercises, try to do them for several minutes at least a couple of times a week.  (Note that other than the initial test to find the right muscles, you don’t have to and probably don’t want to perform these exercises while you’re urinating.)  Kegels work by strengthening the PC muscle, which is one of the primary muscles involved in orgasm.  You can also contract these muscles during masturbation for added sensation.

Although typically mentioned as a vaginal strengthening technique, Kegel exercises can also be performed if you have a penis, where they may lead to stronger erections and may help prevent premature ejaculation.

For some people, regular Kegel exercise can turn an orgasm from a ho-hum somewhat dull experience into something that’s intensely pleasurable on many levels.  For other people, they have very little effect at all.  If you don’t get much out of masturbation, you might want to try performing them and see if they help, but don’t fret if they don’t do much for you.

I’ve heard that everyone masturbates.  Is that true?

I’m assuming you’re referring to that silly “99% of people masturbate and 1% of people are liars” thing?  Well, it’s just plain wrong.  Not everyone masturbates.  Some people never have, and others used to, but don’t anymore.  You don’t have to masturbate, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t.  Don’t let anyone use a phony statistic like this to push you into doing anything you don’t want to do.

I don’t feel like I’m as good at it as other people are.

Are you getting out of it what you want to get out of it?  That’s all you should be concerned about.  Don’t worry about what other people are doing or how they’re doing it.  No one’s keeping score, it’s not a competition.  Masturbation is about you and what you want and what’s right for you, it’s not about expectations, it’s not about an endless quest to be better, it’s not about how well you perform.  If what you’re doing is right for you, that’s all that matters.  (Even if what’s right for you is not doing it at all.)

Masturbation is a unique, personal experience.  There are no universals.  Nothing is guaranteed to work for everyone.  Something that works for 90% of people might not work for you, but you might find something else that only works for 3% of people that’s really effective for you.  You shouldn’t worry if you don’t find vaginal penetration or prostate stimulation appealing.  You shouldn’t worry about frequency or how long it takes.  There are huge variations from person to person.  Even if you took exactly what works for someone else and transferred it to you, there’s a good chance it won’t work on you as well.

There doesn’t have to be a goal or a time limit. You don’t have to have a mind-blowing, earth-shattering orgasm every time out.  Often, the orgasm you have is good enough.  And if you’re fine without an orgasm, that’s fine, too. A two-minute race to the finish is just as valid as spending an hour and a half idly rubbing yourself in a half-aroused state.  You shouldn’t feel like you have to live up to someone else’s expectations or try some wild trick that people say is amazing, just because they claim “everyone’s doing it”.

Is sex better than masturbation?

Not necessarily.  Any kind of sexual activity, whether partnered or alone, can be good or bad, depending on the circumstances.  You can’t really say that one is “better” than another.  Some people will say that their strongest orgasms come by their own hand, while others will say that orgasms are more powerful with the touch of another.  Some people prefer the closeness of a partner, while others prefer the pleasure feedback loop of masturbation.  Some people consider both equally unpleasant.  Some people like both, in different ways.  It all boils down to personal preference.

Masturbating isn’t inherently “worse” than having partnered sex.  Masturbation’s not second-class sex or a substitute for the “real thing”.  They’re very different experiences, even though they share the same body parts.

It’s sort of like comparing Yellowstone and Yosemite.  Some people like the geysers of Yellowstone, some people like the granite cliffs of Yosemite, some people think they’re both majestic and awesome, and some people don’t care for either one and would rather go to Vegas.  You can’t definitively say that one is better than the other, you can only say that they’re different.

Do sex and masturbation feel any different?

Of course they feel different, but again, that doesn’t necessarily mean that one is better than the other.

Physically, there’s contact with another body.  That leads to sensations of pressure and warmth in places that usually don’t feel pressure or warmth during masturbation.  Your partner will often be more unpredictable than you are with yourself.  They may touch areas or do things that you typically wouldn’t do, or may not even be physically capable of doing yourself.

Emotionally, there’s the presence of another person.  You’re involved in some fairly private interactions with them when you’re having sex.  You’re letting them touch areas of your body that you don’t let most people even see, let alone have contact with.  On the flipside, they’re allowing you to do the same with them.  You’re exposed to their reactions all throughout the process.  All of these are things that aren’t present during solo masturbation.

As far as orgasm, both masturbation and partnered sex are capable of producing mind-blowing stunners or disappointing misses.  There’s no guarantee that an orgasm with someone else is going to be better than one you have on your own.

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An Asexual’s Guide To … Female Masturbation

[Up to Masturbation | Main]

The techniques and details described in this post are not the only way to masturbate.  They’re not the “correct” way or the “best” way.  They may not even work for you.  They’re provided as a base upon which you can experiment and learn what works for you.

Okay, so, I’ve got a clitoris and I want to try masturbating.  How do I go about doing that?

First, note that the question said “clitoris” and not “vagina”.  This is because your clitoris is generally where the action is at.  It’s typically very difficult, if not impossible, to reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone.  The vagina just isn’t that sensitive.  So, if you’ve been unsuccessfully attempting to masturbate by penetrating or stimulating your vagina, and haven’t involved your clitoris at all, then stop.  Take your fingers out.  Move them to your clitoris.  Now try rubbing there for a bit.  If you give that a shot, you may find that you don’t even need to read the rest of this post.  (That’s not to say that your vagina is completely useless while you masturbate, many people do find vaginal penetration to be a useful addition while masturbating, but it almost always takes a back seat to clitoral stimulation.)

Second, if you’ve ever seen masturbation in porn, forget pretty much everything you’ve seen.  It’s probably all lying to you.  Most of the time, “female masturbation” in porn is the fictional representation of what the stereotypical horny straight dude wants to believe is masturbation.  It’s typically a carefully scripted and staged penetration-based fantasy that bears very little resemblance to how people actually masturbate.  It might be good for a show, but it’s not generally good if you’re actually looking to have an orgasm.  (Speaking of which, if the “masturbation” porn video even bothers to show an orgasm, which they rarely do, it’s almost certainly fake, too.)

In any case, the real first step is to get ready.  Find a comfortable and safe position, where you’ll have enough time to experiment and try things out without being disturbed.  This can be a bed, a chair, a bathtub, a shower, or wherever else.  Lock your door if that would make you feel more comfortable.  You may want to have a towel nearby so you can easily clean up afterward.  You might even want to sit or lie on the towel so that it’ll soak up any wetness there might be. (If you’re in the shower or tub, then it’ll all just wash down the drain, so you don’t have to worry about that.)  Finally, you may want some sort of lube to help things along.  Your vagina may end up producing enough to use on its own.  Saliva would also work  However, if you want a little artificial help, then a lube specifically designed for sexual activity (typically called “personal lubricant”) is your best bet.  Stuff like hand lotion, Vaseline, or baby oil typically have substances that could potentially lead to vaginal infections (not to mention that they’ll destroy latex condoms), so you should probably avoid them, and soap or shampoo may seem slippery, but they’ll dry you out and may irritate your sensitive bits.

Oh, and make sure your fingernails are nice and trimmed.  You don’t want to accidentally cut anything down there.

All the prerequisites are taken care of, it’s time to get down to business.  The most common and most straightforward way to masturbate is to use several fingers to rub circles on your clitoris repeatedly until orgasm.  That’s the technique I’m going to explain here.

For this to work, you’re going to need access to your clitoris.  I’d suggest taking off your pants and underwear, so it’s all out there and freely reachable.  Or if you want, you can simply reach into your underwear and do it entirely inside your pants.  Of course, it’s also possible to rub your clitoris through your clothes.  Some people prefer this way, since they find more direct clitoral stimulation to be too intense, and this method has the added benefit of keeping all the fluids away from your hands.

It’s probably going to work a lot better if you’re aroused before you start going at it full speed.  Arousal is where your clitoris fills with blood and peeks out of hiding and your vagina starts lubricating itself.  At this point, most other resources will direct you to “Think of that hot guy in accounting” in order to get aroused, but since you’re here, I’m assuming you’re ace, so that’s probably not going to work so well for you.  That means you’ll need to get one some other way.  Of course, you might already be ready from reading this far and anticipating what’s next.  Awesome, you’re ready to go!  Then again, you may already know how to get turned on, in which case, proceed.  Or, you can always wait until you become aroused naturally for some reason.

However, in many cases, you might have to help the kitten start purring when you want to use it.  Here’s a few things you might try to get you up and running.  Feel free to mix and match these techniques.  If one doesn’t work on its own, it might work with the help of another.

  • Touch or rub your vulva.  This may seem rather obvious, but it’s often effective.  Don’t just poke at it, though.  Cup your hand over the area, press against it, and start rubbing around in circular motions or side to side or front to back.
  • Caress your stomach or inner thighs.  Try focusing on other areas around your vulva.  Those regions are often fairly sensitive and may send a wake-up signal to your equipment.
  • Apply pressure to your vulva or your clitoris.  Press against it with your hand.  Tuck your leg up so that you sit in a way that your heel presses against your clitoris.  Or sit or kneel over a pillow or bunched up blanket that is pressing against you.
  • Tense or clench your genital muscles.  Try tensing the muscles that you use to hold back pee.  Clench and hold, or repeatedly tense and release.
  • Touch, rub, or pinch your nipples.  Your nipples may be a sensitive zone.  Touching them or pressing on them may trigger arousal.  Rubbing them or pinching them may also work.
  • Think about sex, look at porn, or read something erotic.  Yeah, you’re asexual, but this still may work anyway.  Don’t ask me why, I haven’t figured it out myself.
  • Use a vibrator.  If you run a vibrator near, but not necessarily directly on your clitoris, you might start to become aroused.

Okay, now that you’re ready to go, it’s time to get going.

At this point, pretty much anything that rubs around your clitoris over and over may eventually lead to an orgasm.  Some techniques are very effective, while others are a quick trip to carpal tunnel.  I’m going to describe one of the most common techniques.  Note that this is not the only way to masturbate.  There are many variations that you can do, so I’d encourage you to experiment and improvise in order to find out what works best for you.

Reach down and place a couple of fingers or the palm of your hand on your clitoris.  Press on it.  It should be enough that you can feel the pressure, but not so much that it feels like you’re going to crush your clitoris.  Start making small circles around your clitoris with your fingers and hands.  It should be a smooth, continuous motion, like a wheel going around.  Keep spinning these circles repeatedly.

You may find that your clitoris is too sensitive to be stimulated directly.  If this is the case, try rubbing the clitoral hood, instead.  The hood should slide over the head of the clitoris and provide a bit of a cushion.  If that’s still too sensitive, try applying the pressure to a wider area, or try placing a towel or blanket over your clitoris as you rub or try masturbating through your clothing.  It’s often the case that as you continue and get more into the experience, that more direct contact with your clitoris becomes tolerable, possibly even preferable.

If there’s too much friction or you want to try sliding around a bit more, try applying some lube.  Start with just a little bit, like a drop or two, because it’s always easy to add more, but harder to get rid of too much.  As I mentioned earlier, your vagina itself might be a good source for lube, otherwise saliva or an artificial personal lubricant would work.

As you continue to spin little circles, it should start to feel somewhat different downstairs.  It probably will start to feel good.  Varying the pressure you apply, the speed of the rubbing, the size of the circles, even how many fingers you’re using may all have an effect on how much pleasure you experience.  Everyone is different.  Some people like fast movement while others take it slow, but too fast may cause irritation and too slow may not be enough stimulation to keep yourself aroused.  Some prefer a lighter touch and others prefer more pressure, but too light and you won’t feel anything and too hard and it might hurt.  There’s no “perfect” speed or pressure, so you’ll have to experiment with what works best for you.

Okay, so, you’re circling round and round, and hopefully it’s starting to feel like you’re getting somewhere.  There’s a misconception that you won’t feel much of anything until all of a sudden, BOOM! Orgasm.  That’s typically not how it works.  It’ll probably start to feel good well before the orgasm, with a small surge of pleasure with every rotation.  You’ll start to get a feeling for which areas feel best, and you’ll start to focus on them.  You’ll probably start to adjust your speed and pressure to maximize the sensation.  Just keep at it like this.

Don’t worry about whether or not you have an orgasm.  You probably won’t have one the first time you masturbate.  Or first five times.  Or maybe even your first hundred.  Don’t try to force it and don’t feel discouraged if you don’t have one.  It doesn’t mean you’re broken, it doesn’t mean you’re frigid, it doesn’t mean you’re unable to have one.  More than likely, it just means you’re inexperienced.  So, just relax and keep doing what feels good and trying different things when something doesn’t feel good, and eventually, you’ll probably get there.  If it doesn’t feel like you’re getting anywhere this time, then stop for now, don’t sweat it, and try again later.

However, if it feels like you’re getting somewhere, keep going.  As you proceed, the pleasure will probably increase.  You may notice that your pulse and breathing have changed.  Muscles all over your body may start to tense up or shake involuntarily.  You may start to focus on the sensations and begin to tune the rest of the world out.  Eventually, you may feel like you’re climbing a hill or pushing against a wall, that’s there’s a sense that something is about to happen, if you can just get there.  You may even start to feel like you have to pee.  At this point, a lot of people become nervous and think that something’s wrong or that they’ve hit a dead end, so they stop masturbating.  Keep going, keep trying to get to the other side.  You may want to change the speed and pressure of your rubbing at this point.  A lot of people will go faster and press harder in an effort to get over that hill.  You’re not far off from the orgasm, so keep going.

In some cases, your vagina might pulse or twitch when you’re at this stage.  That’s not a sign that something’s wrong, it’s just your body preparing for what’s next.  This doesn’t always happen, though, so don’t worry if it doesn’t happen to you.

Eventually, all that repetitive circling you’ve been doing will pay off.  You’ll have a sensation that you’ve made it to the top of the hill and you’ll start coasting down the other side.  This is the orgasm.  Usually, there will be an intense surge of pleasure that lasts for several seconds.  Often, there will be a series of rhythmic muscular pulses in your vagina, kinda like a very strong heartbeat.  These pulses are often accompanied by a surge of pleasure.  They’re roughly a second apart at the start, but they slow down and become weaker with each passing pulse.  You can have from one to over ten of these pulses, but generally you’ll probably have somewhere between 3 and 7 of them.  In some cases, a small amount of fluid will also be expelled from the vagina.

Your first few times, an orgasm may feel more weird than good.  You’ve got muscles moving on their own in ways you’re not used to, you’ve got sensory input you’ve never had before, and maybe you even have strange liquids being expelled from your body.  You may even feel slightly nauseous.  It’s almost a guarantee that it won’t be a mind-blowing, world-shaking experience and it probably won’t be the best feeling ever.  More than likely, you’ll get used to the sensations of orgasm over time and it’ll start to feel better as you go along.

After you orgasm, you’ll probably feel deeply relaxed.  All the tension that had built up while you were climbing that hill has been released.  At the same time, it’s possible that your clitoris has become very very sensitive.  Trying to continue stimulating it can be unbearably intense.   Even a light touch might be uncomfortable.  You can let go of yourself at this point, but you may also enjoy the feeling of simply resting your hand on your vulva (without moving anything) for a while afterward.  During this time, you’ll gradually lose your arousal and clitoral erection and your heart rate and breathing will return to normal.

Most people will stop at this point.  In many cases, everything downstairs will want to take a bit of time to recharge.  In some cases, however, you may feel like continuing onto a second (and maybe even third and fourth…) orgasm.

In any case, that’s just one of many ways that you can masturbate.  As I’ve been saying all along, don’t be afraid to experiment and try other things.  You’re the only person who can know what works best for you.

tl; dr:  Spin little circles on your clit until you come.

What about the vagina?

It’s a misconception that the vagina is the primary source of sexual pleasure.  This misconception leads many people to think that they’re physically incapable of sexual pleasure and orgasm, because they don’t get much out of vaginal penetration.  When I ran a series of questionnaires to gather information for these posts, several of the responses said something similar to this:  “When I was young, I tried masturbating.  I dipped a few fingers in, didn’t feel anything, got bored and gave up.  I feel like I’m broken down there.”

It’s disheartening to see things like that.  It’s disheartening to know that things like that are not an isolated incident.  Many people feel that way.  And it’s not just some kind of sheltered asexual belief, many people who aren’t even remotely asexual think their parts don’t work because they don’t get much out of vaginal stimulation.  It’s a failure in how we talk about sexuality and bodies and how everything is arranged that leads to this.

Sure, it seems like your vagina should be the center of good feelings, given that it’s a fairly notable feature downstairs and since it plays an important role in sexual intercourse.  And so much porn is dedicated to vaginal penetration, I mean, it’s gotta be what important, right?  But in reality, it’s not all that sensitive.  The main source of pleasure is tucked away in your clitoris, that often overlooked nub at the edge of the vulva.  That’s not to say the vagina is completely numb.  Vaginal penetration can feel good, but it’s often not enough to reach orgasm.

However, it certainly can enhance the sensations while you masturbate, and there’s nothing wrong with vaginal penetration, if that’s what you want.  In some cases, while you masturbate, you might even feel an urge to have something inside you.

If you decide to explore penetration, there are a few things to keep in mind.  First, if you’re using your fingers, clip your nails!  Sharp nails and folds of skin can lead to cuts, and cuts can lead to infections, and infections never lead anywhere good.  Second, don’t put anything in there that shouldn’t go in there.  Things you might find around the house that might seem like they’d fit are probably not a good idea.  They might have hidden sharp edges or be home to all sorts of bacteria looking for a new home.  (And they might belong to someone else, which would just be rude…)  Use your fingers or something like a dildo or vibrator.  Start small, and work your way up.  It can be uncomfortable or even painful to put something in your vagina.  You don’t even need something all that big to get some added sensation, often just a couple of fingers will do.  And finally, don’t rush in!  If you try to go in before your vagina is ready, it’ll probably be an unpleasant experience.  Wait until you’re warmed up a bit and your vaginal walls have started to lubricate themselves.  If there’s not enough lubrication, some saliva or personal lubricant should help with that.

What you do once you’re in there is up to you.  You might enjoy moving your fingers (or whatever) in and out repeatedly.    How deep you go or how shallow you stay and how fast or how slow you go is entirely up to your preference.  You might just simply leave your fingers motionless and enjoy the feeling of fullness.  You might want to explore and try to find your G-spot.  (More about that later.)  Or, you might decide that penetration really isn’t your thing after all and take your fingers out and never look back.  Many people don’t get much out of vaginal penetration and don’t include it when they masturbate.

What if I don’t want to touch myself?

If you’re not a fan of direct contact with your genitals, you can try wearing a glove while you masturbate.  You can also try masturbating with clothing or something else between your hand and your vulva.  In either case, you can still use pretty much any technique as you otherwise would, including the circles method outlined above.

If that’s not your cup of tea, you can try using toys.  Many dildos and vibrators are long enough that you can stimulate your clitoris with them, but keep your hands well out of the way.

Running water is often an effective hands-free masturbation technique.  Turn on the bath faucet, adjust the temperature, then scoot up and let the water fall onto your vulva.  If you have a hand held shower head, you can use that to direct a spray of water directly at your clitoris.  And I’ve heard good things about Jacuzzi jets.

And if you don’t want to use hands at all, you can try grinding against something.  Grinding is when you press your vulva against something so that there’s pressure on your clitoris, then rock your hips back and forth to stimulate yourself.  This rocking motion should change the pressure point.  You can grind against something like a pillow or bunched up towel or blanket, or against a piece of furniture or something similar.

Sitting on a running washing machine may work.  The strong vibrations have been known to get the job done.  (The same is true of driving on a bumpy road.)

You can try simply squeezing your thighs together repeatedly, as well.  This action can stimulate your clitoris, and doesn’t require using anything else in the process.

What if I don’t like fluids?

Many of the techniques described above about masturbating without directly touching yourself can help here, as well.  They all keep your hands away from the fluids.  In particular, the techniques involving running water will do a pretty good job of washing away anything that might happen.

It’s possible to do it while wearing a pad.  The pad should catch all of the fluids since, you know, that’s kinda what they’re supposed to do.

Are the fluids harmful?

No, your vaginal lubrication is not harmful to you in any way.  It’s perfectly safe to touch it.

What about toys or other implements?

Masturbation toys, also called sex toys, are a way to enhance or alter your masturbation experience.  You can use them in addition to or in place of another masturbation technique.  Some toys won’t get you to orgasm on their own, but they can potentially increase the pleasure.  There are far too many types to talk about all of them, so I’m just going to cover a few of the common ones.

  • Vibrator:  A vibrator is wide term that encompasses any toy that vibrates.  You typically press the vibrator against your clitoris.  Some vibrators are designed for vaginal or anal penetration.  Most vibrators have adjustable speed or strength.  Many people say that they rely on the assistance of a vibrator to reach orgasm, and many people report that they did not think they could have an orgasm until they tried using a vibrator.  There are multiple types of vibrators.  Bullet vibes, where the vibrating motor is encased in a small egg are fairly popular.  Dildo vibes are the combination of a dildo and a vibrator.  The Rabbit is a type of dildo vibrator which has an arm that will stimulate your clitoris as it penetrates your vagina.  Then there’s the personal massager vibrators, which are typically larger, stronger, and are usually marketed as back massagers.  The Hitachi Magic Wand is a popular personal massager.  Some common household items with a vibrate feature can be used as a vibrator, too, such as electric toothbrushes, cell phones, and video game controllers.  Just remember that’s not their primary use and also consider that it’s probably a bit rude and icky to use one of those if anyone else might want to use it for its intended purpose.
  • Dildos:  A dildo is a generally somewhat cylindrical toy that is designed for penetration.  Sometimes a dildo may have a vibrator inside it, and sometimes a dildo might be designed to resemble a penis.  (I think technically a dildo is a featureless non-vibrating penetrative toy, a dong is a non-vibrating penetrative toy that resembles a penis, and a vibrator is any kind of toy that vibrates.  But those distinctions typically don’t matter.)  You use it by inserting it in your vagina (you may need lube), or by applying generous lube and carefully inserting it in your anus.  You may choose to move it in and out, or you may wish to simply leave it there.  Vaginal or anal stimulation rarely leads to orgasm on its own, but it often will enhance the pleasure of masturbation.  Some dildos are designed for G-spot stimulation and will have a curve or a knob that makes it easier to stimulate that area.  Some dildos have an arm or an extension that is designed to stimulate your clitoris as you use it, like the Rabbit.  In some cases, you may use a dildo strictly for clitoral stimulation by rubbing it externally, without any vaginal penetration.  (If trying one in the back door, be sure to only use toys specifically designed for anal penetration, which typically have a ridge to prevent the whole thing from going inside.  Also, take note of the size.  Many dildos are designed for vaginal penetration, so they can be fairly large and using them in your anus can be very uncomfortable and unpleasant.  Anal penetration can also be a bit messy, so be prepared to clean both the toy and yourself when you’re finished.  And, this is important, don’t use a toy vaginally after you’ve used it anally, until it’s been well cleaned, or there’s a risk you’ll transfer bacteria you don’t want living in your vagina.)
  • Handheld Shower Head:  If you have one of those detachable handheld shower heads on the end of a small hose, you can direct the spray toward your clitoris, vulva, or perineum.  Adjust the spray pattern and water temperature to find what works best.  In some cases, you may find that a direct spray at a specific spot works, while other times it may be more effective to sweep the spray across your genitals.  The handheld showerhead has the added benefit of not being seen as a sex toy, so if you’re looking for something totally discreet, this is probably your best bet.  (Sure, some toys are marketed as back massagers, but anyone who recognizes it will know you’re probably not using it for lumbar pain…)

What’s the deal with the G-Spot?

The G-Spot is a somewhat hard, ridged area along the forward vaginal wall.  In some cases, stimulating this region in the right way can lead to an intense orgasm.  Many people report that an orgasm with the involvement of the G-Spot can lead to female ejaculation.

G-Spot stimulation should be considered an “advanced technique”.  If you’re just starting out, it’s best to get a little bit more experience masturbating before trying to include the G-Spot in your play time.  Otherwise it’ll just unnecessarily complicate things.  Even if you’re a veteran, you may not find G-Spot stimulation to be worth the trouble.

To find it, insert a finger into your vagina and feel along the forward wall (the side that’s closest to your front) for an area that feels different.  It’s probably a few inches inside.  Much of the vagina is soft and smooth, but the G-spot is harder and feels bumpy or ridged.  If you’re not a fan of using a finger for vaginal penetration, there are a number of toys that are designed for G-Spot stimulation.  These toys usually have a curved shape that will press against the G-Spot when inserted, although you’ll have to rely on sensation to know you’ve found it, rather than touch.

G-Spot stimulation generally consists of rubbing while pressing against it.  G-Spot stimulation alone might not be enough for an orgasm, so you may want to use your clitoris at the same time.  As with the clitoris, the amount of pressure and the speed of rubbing will likely affect how it feels.

Not everyone responds to G-Spot stimulation in the same way.  Some people don’t see what the big deal is.  Some people find it uncomfortable to touch.  Some people may not even have a G-Spot.  (In fact, some people don’t believe it really exists at all…)  So, if you’re having trouble finding it, or you’ve found it and you’re not really impressed by what it does, don’t worry about it.

What’s the deal with female ejaculation?

First, it’s important to note that if you’ve ever seen this in a pornographic video, it’s less likely to have been an actual instance of female ejaculation and more likely to have been an instance of peeing on cue.

Ejaculation should be considered an “advanced technique”.  If you’re just starting out, it’s best to get a little bit more experience masturbating before trying to ejaculation in your play time.  Otherwise it’ll just unnecessarily complicate things.  Even if you’re a veteran, you may not find ejaculation to be worth the trouble.

Female ejaculation is where a small amount of fluid is pumped out of the urethra during orgasm.  It’s different than lubricating fluid being pushed out of the vagina by the orgasmic contractions and it’s not urine.  The ejaculation fluid is typically whitish and somewhat thick.  The most common way to cause ejaculation is to stimulate the G-spot to orgasm.

Some people say that an ejaculating orgasm is more intense or pleasurable than an orgasm without ejaculation.  Some people don’t see much difference.  Some people intentionally try to ejaculate, while for other people it just happens unintentionally during orgasms occasionally.

Ejaculating is not an easy thing to do.  There’s no 100% guaranteed trick to make it happen.  Many people try repeatedly with no luck.  It may not even be possible for some people to do.  Even people who can do it aren’t able to do it all the time.  If you try and don’t get anywhere, don’t worry about it.  It shouldn’t be something you feel like you have to be able to do.

Can I have multiple orgasms?

Possibly.  In some cases, after an orgasm, you might be able to continue stimulating yourself and have another orgasm (or two or three or …).  If your clitoris becomes hyper-sensitive following orgasm, you might have to wait a short while for the sensitivity to die down.   Strengthening your PC muscles by doing Kegel exercises might make it easier to have multiple orgasms.

Not everyone can have multiple orgasms, not everyone wants multiple orgasms, and not everyone who can have them wants to have them every time.  There’s no scorekeeping in masturbation.  If you’re fine with one orgasm, that’s great.  If you want to shoot for double digits, that’s great, too.  And if you don’t even want one, let alone more than one, even that’s great. The important thing is that you do what you want to do and not what you feel like you’re supposed to be doing or what you think other people are doing.

A lot of people wonder, “If you can have multiple orgasms, how do you know when to stop?”  The answer is that you know it’s time to stop when you don’t want to keep going.

What other things can I try?

The vulva isn’t the only body part that you can use while masturbating.  Try touching or pinching your nipples and caressing your breasts, or try rubbing your thighs, stomach, or chest.  All of those places, and more, can enhance the experience.

Some people enjoy anal stimulation.  You can try rubbing the opening, or gently push a well lubed (and well-manicured) finger inside.

What if it doesn’t feel good?

If you’re first getting started, it might not actually feel all that good.  You’ll probably have to try a couple of times before you start figure out what works for you.

If you’ve been at it for a while, but still nothing, shake up your technique a bit.  Switch hands, try using lube, try a different position, try using a toy, go faster or slower, press harder or lighter.  And remember, there’s no cookie-cutter way to masturbate.  What works for someone else might not work for you.

If you’ve tried it all and it still doesn’t feel good, then maybe it just won’t.  .  If it bothers you, you might want to consult with a doctor.  There may be a treatable medical reason for why it doesn’t feel good.  (Notably, it’s a side effect of many medications.)  However, if you’re cool with it, don’t worry about it.  You don’t have to masturbate or have orgasms to survive, so don’t worry about it.  It’s not your thing, but it doesn’t have to be your thing.

Are there any dangers or warnings I should know about?

  • This post has been written specifically about solo masturbation.  There are numerous health and safety concerns that would potentially need to be addressed if you’re doing anything I’ve mentioned here with someone else.  Most notably, there are countless disease prevention (and in some cases, pregnancy prevention) steps you would probably want to take that I have not mentioned here.
  • Make sure your vagina is adequately prepared before inserting anything.  Often, your natural wetness will be enough, but if it’s not, use an artificial lube.  If you attempt penetration without proper lubrication, you could irritate your skin and it may be uncomfortable or painful.
  • Don’t stick anything in your vagina that wasn’t meant for it and clean whatever you put in there before and after you use it.  The skin is soft and sensitive and any sharp or rough edges could cause painful and awkward cuts.  (In particular, cut your fingernails!)  And if you’re using something that’s not quite clean, then you run the risk of infection, because bacteria love the warm, moist environment.  This is why it’s a very bad idea to use anything (toy, fingers, etc.) in your vagina immediately after using it in your butt.
  • Watch what you use for lube.  Shampoo and soap might seem nice and slick, but it can severely dry out the skin or cause a rash.  They also may get into the urethra, where they’ll burn.  Hand creams and Vaseline and baby oil can all disrupt the natural cleansing action of the vagina and lead to infections.  Additionally, some creams contain a “medicated” tingling or warming feature.  It might feel good on a sore back, but the sensation could be excruciating on your genitals.  (Then again, that one’s up to individual preference…  Some people like how it feels…)  It’s best to use a personal lubricant specifically designed for genital use.
  • Inserting an object in your anus carries the risk of it getting stuck.  Save yourself an embarrassing visit to an emergency room and only use items that can’t get pulled completely inside and “lost”.  Many anal toys will have a ridge or tab to prevent them from going all the way in, or they’ll have a string attached to easy retrieval.
  • Make sure anything entering your anus is smooth and well lubed, and don’t force it in.  In particular, cut your fingernails!  A long fingernail might cut the inner lining, which can be unpleasant and runs the risk of infection.  Inadequate lubrication might cause irritation or tearing.
  • NEVER do ANYTHING that forcibly cuts off your airway while masturbating.  People have actually died from doing that.  You can hold your breath, but leave it at that.  Besides, taking long deep breaths can actually increase the sensations more than holding your breath will.
  • If it hurts, stop!  You’re probably doing something wrong.

[Up to Masturbation | Main]

An Asexual’s Guide To … Male Masturbation

[Up to Masturbation | Main]

The techniques and details described in this post are not the only way to masturbate.  They’re not the “correct” way or the “best” way.  They may not even work for you.  They’re provided as a base upon which you can experiment and learn what works for you.

Okay, so, I’ve got a penis and I want to try masturbating.  How do I go about doing that?

The first step is to get ready.  Find a comfortable and safe position, where you’ll have enough time to experiment and try things out without being disturbed.  Lock your door if that would make you feel more comfortable.  You may want some sort of lube to help things along.  Pretty much anything slippery will do, but try to avoid soap or shampoo, because those have a tendency to dry out your skin or cause a burning sensation if they get in your urethra, neither of which is very fun.  Lube specifically designed for sexual activity (typically called “personal lubricant”) is your best bet, but something like hand lotion, baby oil, or Vaseline will also work.  (However, oil and latex don’t mix, so if there’s any chance that a condom and another person will be involved in your session, stick to water-based personal lubricants that are specifically made for use with condoms.  To repeat:  Do not use hand lotion, baby oil, Vaseline, or anything else like that if there’s going to be a condom involved.)  And finally, you’ll want to have a towel or some tissues nearby.  If you end up having an orgasm, you’ll probably ejaculate, and you’ll probably want to clean that up.  (Or just masturbate in the shower or bath and wash it all down the drain.)

All the prerequisites are taken care of, it’s time to get down to business.  The most common and most straightforward way to masturbate is to wrap your hand around your penis and stroke up and down repeatedly until you orgasm or decide to stop.  That’s the technique I’m going to explain here.

For this to work, you’re going to need access to your penis.  I’d suggest taking off your pants and underwear, so it’s all out there and freely reachable, and so you don’t have to worry about accidental stains on your pants when you’re done.  Of course, it’s also possible to pull your penis out through your fly, although that can sometimes lead to painful zipper bites.  Or if you want, you can simply reach into your underwear and do it entirely inside your pants, but that typically leads to restricted motion, which may make things uncomfortable and more difficult.

Now you’ll need an erection, also known as a hard-on.  This is where your penis fills with blood, becomes somewhat stiff, and tends to stand up.  At this point, most other resources will direct you to “Think of that hot girl in accounting” in order to get an erection, but since you’re here, I’m assuming you’re ace, so that’s probably not going to work so well for you.  That means you’ll need to get one some other way.  Of course, you might already have one from reading this far and anticipating what’s next.  Awesome, you’re ready to go!  Then again, you may know how to achieve erection, in which case, proceed.  Or, you can always wait until you have one naturally for some reason.  Morning wood can be used for masturbation, just like any other erection.

However, in many cases, you might have to help your little soldier stand at attention when you want to use it.  Here’s a few things you might try to get you up and running.  Feel free to mix and match these techniques.  If one doesn’t work on its own, it might work with the help of another.

  • Touch or rub your penis.  This may seem obvious, but it’s often rather effective.  Don’t just poke it with a finger or hold it like you would when you pee, but run your fingers or hand around it.  Near the head on the underside (the side that faces your balls when you’re soft) is an area that’s often more sensitive than the rest of skin.  Rubbing there in a circular motion may get you aroused.
  • Grab and pull your penis.  Don’t yank or jerk, but gently pull it outward and move it around.  Start stroking or pushing along it.
  • Move the loose skin back and forth.  Pull the skin back, then pull the skin up over the head over and over.  If you have a foreskin, pull it back all the way.  Try gently pinching, rolling, or stretching the skin.
  • Caress your stomach, inner thighs, and balls.  Try focusing on other areas around your penis.  Those regions are often fairly sensitive and may send a wake-up signal to your equipment.
  • Constrict the base of your penis for a short time.  Make a loop with your thumb and forefinger around your penis, down near where it attaches to your body.  Make the finger loop tighter. This will allow blood to enter, but make it more difficult to leave, which may result in an erection.  Toys called “cock rings” do this same thing.  Don’t stay like this for too long or hold it too tightly, or you’ll cut off circulation, which could be bad.
  • Apply pressure to your penis.  Press it against your body with your hand.  Lean against something, so that your penis is between your body and something else.  Or try laying face down, with your penis between your body and your mattress.  Make a gentle rocking motion with your hips to vary the pressure on your shaft.  You might also try crossing your legs with your penis between them.
  • Tense or clench your genital muscles.  Try tensing the muscles that you use to hold back pee.  Clench and hold, or repeatedly tense and release.  After a while, you might start to get an erection.
  • Think about sex, look at porn, or read something erotic.  Yeah, you’re asexual, but this still may work anyway.  Don’t ask me why, I haven’t figured it out myself.
  • Use a vibrator.  The little buzzing machines aren’t just for a clitoris.  A penis can be woken up by one, too.  That zone on the underside is a good place to try placing it.

By the way, you don’t actually have to have a full erection to begin masturbating.  An erection isn’t an on-off binary, where you’re either completely soft or rock hard.  There’s a huge area in between, and you can usually work with your penis even if it’s in a semi-erect state.  So, if you’re able to get yourself partially hard, but not completely there, then you’re probably far enough along to continue.  The later stimulation will likely complete the erection.  And if you start to lose the erection after you’ve started, come back to these tricks and you might be able to regain it.

Okay, so now you have an erection (Or at least enough of one) and are ready to go.

At this point, pretty much anything that slides up and down your penis over and over may eventually lead to an orgasm.  Some techniques are very effective, while others are a quick trip to rug burn.  I’m going to describe one of the most common techniques.  Note that this is not the only way to masturbate.  There are many variations that you can do, so I’d encourage you to experiment and improvise in order to find out what works best for you.

Reach down and wrap your hand (doesn’t matter which) around your erection.  Your grip should sort of be like you’re holding a cup or a refrigerator door handle.  Your thumb and forefinger should be able to completely close a loop around your penis near the head, your palm will fully contact the shaft, while the rest of the fingers will curl around as far as they can reach.  You want to hold tight enough that you can feel some pressure, but not so tight that you’re really squeezing it.  You’re not trying to pull off your penis, so you don’t need a death grip.

Start sliding your hand up and down the shaft of your penis.  It should be a smooth, continuous motion.  If you’ve ever seen the piston on an oil well or on a steam locomotive, think of the continuous back-and-forth movement of one of those.  You don’t want to “jerk” it or “yank” it, despite what the common euphemisms for masturbation imply.  Keep stroking up and down your penis repeatedly.  If you have no idea how fast to be going, try about one or two full up and down strokes per second, but don’t worry about precise timing.  Faster or slower is okay, and you’ll find the speed that works for you.

There should be some play in the skin of your shaft.  Your grip should be tight enough so that the skin moves slightly back and forth with your hand, but loose enough that it’ll slip back into position as you move.  You don’t want a grip so tight that it feels like you’re going to pull the skin off or so loose that you don’t feel the skin move at all.  If you have a foreskin, you might be able to slide that back and forth.

You do not have to move your hand along the entire length of your penis with every stroke.  The base of the shaft is less sensitive than the head, so you may not get much from stroking the base.  Then again, the head may be too sensitive to stroke, so you may want to avoid it at certain times.  You’ll probably keep your hand in contact with your penis most of the time as you stroke, instead of pulling it completely off the end with every movement.  Sometimes you might make several short strokes close to the head between strokes along the full length.

If your hand’s not sliding smoothly across the skin of your penis as you stroke, you may want to use some of that lubricant that I mentioned above.  Start with a small amount, like a drop or two.  It’s easy to add more, but harder to take it away.  You want to add enough so that you reduce friction, but not so much that you’ve completely eliminated it.  Too little and it’ll probably feel sticky, but too much and your hand will slip right off.  Make sure that the lube is spread around to all of your fingers and your palm.  If it starts to dry out, adding a little bit more or a few drops of water will usually bring it back.

As you continue to stroke, it should start to feel different downstairs.  It probably will begin to feel good.  Varying the pressure of your grip (even mid-stroke), the speed of the stroke, the angle you’re holding it, even how many fingers you’re using may all have an effect on how much pleasure you experience.  Everyone is different.  Some people like fast strokes while others take it slow, but too fast may cause irritation and too slow may not be enough stimulation to keep the erection up.  Some prefer looser grips and others prefer more pressure, but too loose and you won’t feel anything and too tight and it might hurt.  There’s no “perfect” speed or pressure, so you’ll have to experiment with what works best for you.

There are various areas of your penis that will react to stimulation differently.  The shaft is probably the least sensitive area.  On the underside of the penis, near the head, there may be a zone that is very pleasurable to stimulate.  A band of skin called the frenulum connects the shaft to the head in that area, and the frenulum can be quite sensitive, although it’s unfortunately sometimes removed during circumcision.  The head is often the most sensitive area.  Sometimes, particularly for someone who is uncircumcised, the head may even be too sensitive to stimulate directly until you reach a high enough level of arousal and your body is prepared for it.  The corona, the ridge around the base of the head can also be a highly sensitive region.

Now, you may be thinking, “If the head is so sensitive, why don’t I just spend all my time focused on that?”  Well, the answer is that it’s generally too intense to do that.  The stimulation will sort of overload your senses and it may become too much to take.  If it starts to feel too intense, back off a bit.  Slow down, loosen your grip, maybe retreat to the shaft for a while and stroke the head a bit less.

Okay, so, you’re stroking over and over, and hopefully it’s starting to feel like you’re getting somewhere.  There’s a misconception that you won’t feel much of anything until all of a sudden, BOOM! Orgasm.  That’s typically not how it works.  It’ll probably start to feel good well before the orgasm, with a small surge of pleasure with every stroke up or down.  You’ll start to get a feeling for which areas feel best, and you’ll start to focus on them.  You’ll probably start to adjust your speed and pressure to maximize the sensation.  Just keep at it like this.

Don’t worry about whether or not you have an orgasm.  You probably won’t have one the first time you masturbate.  Or first five times.  Or maybe even your first hundred.  Don’t try to force it and don’t feel discouraged if you don’t have one.  It doesn’t mean you’re broken, it doesn’t mean you’re impotent, it doesn’t mean you’re unable to have one.  More than likely, it just means you’re inexperienced.  So, just relax and keep doing what feels good and trying different things when something doesn’t feel good, and eventually, you’ll probably get there.  If it doesn’t feel like you’re getting anywhere this time, then stop for now, don’t sweat it, and try again later.

However, if it feels like you’re getting somewhere, keep going.  As you proceed, the pleasure will probably increase.  You may notice that your pulse and breathing have changed.  Muscles all over your body may start to tense up or shake involuntarily.  You may start to focus on the sensations and begin to tune the rest of the world out.  Eventually, you may feel like you’re climbing a hill or pushing against a wall, that’s there’s a sense that something is about to happen, if you can just get there.  At this point, a lot of people become nervous and think that something’s wrong or that they’ve hit a dead end, so they stop masturbating.  Keep going, keep trying to get to the other side.  You may want to change the speed and pressure of your strokes at this point.  A lot of people will go faster and grip tighter in an effort to get over that hill.  You’re not far off from the orgasm, so keep going.

In some cases, your penis might pulse or twitch when you’re at this stage.  That’s not a sign that something’s wrong, it’s just your body preparing for what’s next.  This doesn’t always happen, though, so don’t worry if it doesn’t happen to you.

Eventually, all that repetitive stroking you’ve been doing will pay off.  You’ll have a sensation that you’ve made it to the top of the hill and you’ll start coasting down the other side.  This is the orgasm.  Usually, there will be an intense surge of pleasure that lasts for several seconds.  Often, there will be a series of rhythmic muscular pulses in your penis, kinda like a very strong heartbeat.  These pulses are often accompanied by a surge of pleasure.  They’re roughly a second apart at the start, but they slow down and become weaker with each passing pulse.  You can have from one to over ten of these pulses, but generally you’ll probably have somewhere between 3 and 7 of them.

Most of the time, you’ll also ejaculate when you orgasm.  Ejaculation is when the muscular pulses pump semen through your penis, causing it to come out of the end.  Semen is a whitish (or maybe yellowish) liquid that generally contains sperm.  Sometimes, it’ll just dribble out the end, while other times it’ll squirt out with such force that it can fly several feet.  Sometimes it’s thick, while other times it’s runny.  The volume of semen, as well as the strength of the ejaculation is different for every person, every time they have one.  In many cases, if you haven’t ejaculated in a while, it’ll tend toward thicker and more volume, while if you’ve ejaculated more recently, it’ll become thinner and there will be less.  I should probably point out that although your testicles produce the sperm, they’re not really all that involved when ejaculation happens.  They don’t pump anything, and if you touch them during ejaculation, you won’t feel them moving at all.

Your first few times, an orgasm may feel more weird than good.  You’ve got muscles moving on their own in ways you’re not used to, you’ve got sensory input you’ve never had before, and you’ve probably got strange liquids being expelled from your body.  You may even feel slightly nauseous.  It’s almost a guarantee that it won’t be a mind-blowing, world-shaking experience and it probably won’t be the best feeling ever.  More than likely, you’ll get used to the sensations of orgasm over time and it’ll start to feel better as you go along.

After you orgasm, you’ll probably feel deeply relaxed.  All the tension that had built up while you were climbing that hill has been released.  At the same time, your penis has probably become very very sensitive.  Trying to continue stroking it is probably unbearably intense.   Even a light motion might be uncomfortable.  You can let go of yourself at this point, but you may also enjoy the feeling of simply holding your penis (without moving anything) for a while afterward.  During this time, you’ll gradually lose your erection and your heart rate and breathing will return to normal.

Most people will stop at this point.  Most of the time, everything downstairs will need a bit of time to recharge.  You’ll probably lose your erection and find it difficult to get another one for a period of a few minutes or up to several hours.  This is called the refractory period.

In any case, that’s just one of many ways that you can masturbate.  As I’ve been saying all along, don’t be afraid to experiment and try other things.  You’re the only person who can know what works best for you.

tl; dr:  Put your hand around your cock and stroke until you come.

What if I don’t want to touch myself?

If you’re not a fan of direct contact with your penis, then you can try wearing a rubber glove on your hand or a condom on your penis while you masturbate.  You will almost certainly need to use lube in this case, and if you go the condom route, be sure to put some both inside and outside.  This method has the benefit of being pretty much identical to the hand stroking technique outlined above.

If that’s still not your cup of tea, you can try using toys.  Many masturbation sleeves cover your penis completely, so with the exception of possibly helping your penis into the sleeve, you won’t have to touch it while you masturbate.  I’ll talk about some of them in a bit.  However, you’d have to purchase a toy, so that may not be the best solution.

Another option is to remain fully clothed and grind against something.  Grinding or humping is when you press your penis against something, then rock your hips back and forth in order to stimulate yourself.  The hip rocking motion should either move the penis or it should change the pressure point, in either case, the part of the penis that’s being stimulated will change as you rock.   Lying face down on a mattress is a common way to do this, as is grinding against a couch or other piece of furniture.  There are downsides to grinding, though.  First, since you’re probably grinding against rough clothing, you may end up irritating your penis.  Second, if you orgasm, you’re probably going to ejaculate in your underwear, which would probably get a bit messy.

What if I don’t like fluids?

Probably the best way to avoid fluids is to wear a condom while you masturbate.  They’re specifically designed to catch and contain your semen when you ejaculate, after all.  You can put one on when you first get started, wear it the whole time you’re masturbating, then take it off and throw it away when you’re done. The downside is that condoms can get expensive if you’re buying them all the time.

You can try keeping a tissue or a towel handy.  When you sense that you’re about to come, place the tissue around the head of your penis and cover your urethra and try to catch the ejaculate.

Masturbating in the shower is another good way to deal with fluids.  When you ejaculate, it goes straight down the drain, and you can immediately wash your hands.  A similar technique would be to ejaculate directly into a toilet.

Many masturbation toys will contain your semen after you ejaculate.  You simply ejaculate into the toy, then wash it out later.  These toys also contain the lubricant, leaving your hands clean and dry.  I’ll talk about them shortly.

Another option is to stop before you reach orgasm and ejaculation.  It can still be quite pleasurable.  If you learn the signals of your body, you’ll be able to tell when you’re about to reach orgasm, so you can slow down or stop for a bit then resume a while later.  This allows you to continue masturbating almost indefinitely without having an orgasm.

Are the fluids harmful?

Your own precum and your own semen are not harmful to you in any way.  It’s perfectly safe to touch them, it’s even safe to ingest them if you think you’d be into that.  Semen might start to smell bad after a while, but you’re probably going to clean up long before that happens.

What about toys or other implements?

Masturbation toys, also called sex toys, are a way to enhance or alter your masturbation experience.  You can use them in addition to or in place of another masturbation technique.  Some toys won’t get you to orgasm on their own, but they can potentially increase the pleasure.  There are far too many types to talk about all of them, so I’m just going to cover a few of the common ones.

  • Penis Sleeve:  A sleeve is a toy that encloses your penis.  You typically apply lube to the sleeve, insert your penis, grab the sleeve and stroke with it.  The sleeve usually has soft ridges or bumps or some other texture on the inside to vary and increase the stimulation.  Sometimes, sleeves are little more than a thin tube that’s open on both ends, while other times, the sleeve is made of a thicker material, or closed off on one end.  Sleeves that are large enough or that are closed on one end are often a good way to contain the ejaculation for easy cleanup. Occasionally, sleeves have an opening that resembles a body part, but the opening rarely has any practical effect on the stimulation.  Common sleeves include the Tenga brand and the Fleshlight.
  • Vibrator:  A vibrator is wide term that encompasses any toy that vibrates.  You typically press the vibrator against a sensitive spot on your penis, run it around your testicles, or, in some cases, insert it in your anus.  Most vibrators have adjustable speed or strength.  Vibrators by themselves may not get you all the way to orgasm easily, but they can be used to help with arousal or enhance the sensation of orgasm.  There are multiple types of vibrators.  Bullet vibes, where the vibrating motor is encased in a small egg are fairly popular.  Dildo vibes are the combination of a dildo and a vibrator.  Cock ring vibes are the combination of a cock ring and a bullet vibe and allow hands free stimulation of your penis.  Ring vibes that are sometimes sold with condoms are typically single use and have weak motors powered by watch batteries.  It’s possible to get stronger ring vibes which have larger vibrators attached, and which are powered by AA batteries.  Then there’s the personal massager vibrators, which are typically larger, stronger, and are usually marketed as back massagers.  The Hitachi Magic Wand is a popular personal massager.
  • Cock Rings:  A cock ring is a ring that fits around your penis (sometimes your penis and testicles), and is designed to restrict blood flow.  Restricting blood flow tends to create a stronger erection, because the blood can get in, but has a harder time getting back out.  Most of the time, cock rings are passive, you just put it on and leave it on until you’re done.  Sometimes, however, they’ll have vibrators attached, which can provide additional stimulation.  Cock rings should not be used for an extensive period of time and you should take it off immediately if it starts to hurt.  Also, remember that your penis probably will grow when you get erect, so a size that fits when you’re soft might become uncomfortably tight when you’re hard.  Don’t use a ring that you can’t cut off in an emergency, or you might be facing an embarrassing visit to the ER…
  • Dildos:  A dildo is a generally somewhat cylindrical toy that is designed for penetration.  Sometimes a dildo may have a vibrator inside it, and sometimes a dildo might be designed to resemble a penis.  You use it by applying generous lube and carefully inserting it in your anus.  You may choose to move it in and out, or you may with to simply leave it there.  Anal stimulation rarely leads to orgasm on its own, but it often will enhance the pleasure of masturbation.  Anal dildos are an effective way to stimulate your prostate.  Be sure to only use toys specifically designed for anal penetration, which typically have a ridge to prevent the whole thing from going inside and getting stuck.  Also, take note of the size.  Many dildos are designed for vaginal penetration, so they can be fairly large and using them in your anus can be very uncomfortable and unpleasant.  Anal penetration can also be a bit messy, so be prepared to clean both the toy and yourself when you’re finished.  The Aneros is a dildo that’s specifically designed for prostate stimulation.
  • Handheld Shower Head:  If you have one of those detachable handheld shower heads on the end of a small hose, you can direct the spray toward your penis, testicles, or perineum.  Adjust the spray pattern and water temperature to find what works best.  In some cases, you may find that a direct spray at a specific spot works, while other times it may be more effective to sweep the spray across your genitals.  It can be difficult to reach orgasm with only the spray from a shower head.  You may wish to direct the water at your balls while you stroke your penis.

Ejaculating seems messy.  What do I do about that?

First, it’s important to understand that there typically isn’t much fluid produced when you ejaculate, often no more than a few milliliters.  That means there isn’t too much to clean up, and it also means that it’s fairly easy to contain, if that’s what you want to do.  As I mentioned in an earlier response, you can contain it when you ejaculate by using condoms, certain toys, or by finishing into a tissue or towel, or you can simply masturbate in the shower and wash it all away.

You can also deal with it by controlling where you ejaculate.  Some people will shoot into toilet or sink when they masturbate, while others might try to aim it so that all of the semen lands on their stomach, where it’s a quick wipe to get rid of.  It’s also possible to ejaculate into your cupped hand, then wash it off from there.  Also, instead of ejaculating directly into a tissue or towel, you can place it on your stomach and chest or wherever and just ejaculate onto it.

Some of these techniques are more disruptive than the others.  If you’re lying in bed masturbating, it can be quite a shift to jump up and run to the bathroom to ejaculate when you feel orgasm coming on.  Try different methods, and you’ll find one that works well and doesn’t distract from the experience.

There are several techniques to prevent ejaculation during orgasm.  One is to apply pressure, either by squeezing very tightly around the base of the penis or by pressing hard against the perineum.  Both of these techniques will close off the urethra and not allow semen to exit through the penis, but both can also cause discomfort.  Another method is to clench and hold the muscles around the penis as tight as you can for as long as you can during orgasm  This will disrupt the ejaculatory pumping, and you may experience and orgasm without ejaculation.  (These are also some of the techniques that could lead to multiple orgasm.)  Both of these techniques are not 100% effective and take a lot of practice to get right.

If you ejaculate on something, you’ll probably want to clean it up fairly soon after you’re done.  Semen will turn dry and crusty after a while, and will probably leave a yellowish stain behind.  (So, don’t use your favorite shirt to soak it up…)

Will I always ejaculate when I masturbate?

Not necessarily.  While orgasm and ejaculation usually happen at the same time, they’re not actually the same thing.  It’s possible to have an orgasm without ejaculating.  Sometimes it just happens, where you get some sense of an orgasm happening, but nothing comes out.  Other times, you may have ejaculated so many times within a short period of time that there’s not really anything left.  And, as mentioned above, you may also be able to train yourself to have an orgasm without ejaculating.

Of course, there’s no guarantee that you’ll get anywhere close to the orgasm/ejaculation zone when you masturbate.  And even if you do, if you’re able to sense when you’re getting close, you can easily stop before you get there.

On the other hand, if you do experience orgasm when you masturbate, but you rarely or never ejaculate, you may be experiencing what’s called retrograde ejaculation, where the semen enters the bladder instead of exiting through the penis.  If that’s what’s happening, you might want to consult with a doctor about it, especially as it may point to a condition that’s more serious than simply not ejaculating when you orgasm.

If I don’t masturbate, will I explode from an unreleased buildup of semen?

No, not at all.  Semen doesn’t endlessly build up in some internal balloon until you eventually ejaculate.  If you fail to ejaculate regularly, exactly nothing happens.  Most of the time, the sperm produced will simply be reabsorbed into the body.  Occasionally, you may have a wet dream and ejaculate while you sleep.  But you’re not going to explode because there’s too much sperm in you.

Think about people who’ve had vasectomies.  A vasectomy doesn’t do anything to turn off the testicles.  They’re still there and running, constantly producing new sperm.  A vasectomy just cuts off the tubes that connected the testicles to the penis, so that the sperm has no way to get out.  People who’ve had vasectomies don’t have to go in for a sperm draining every couple of weeks.  The sperm just gets absorbed back into the body, and that’s the end of it.

People who say that they’re going to explode are just exaggerating.  They might have a high libido, they might really enjoy orgasm, but nothing physically is going to happen to them if they don’t ejaculate.

What’s the deal with the prostate?

The prostate is an organ that produces some of the ejaculatory fluids.  It’s located just behind the forward wall of your rectum.  And for some reason, despite its location, it can feel good if you stimulate it in some way.

Prostate stimulation should be considered an “advanced technique”.  If you’re just starting out, it’s best to get a little bit more experience masturbating before trying to include the prostate in your play time.  Otherwise it’ll just unnecessarily complicate things.  Even if you’re a veteran, you may not find prostate stimulation to be worth the trouble.

The prostate is not in a terribly accessible location, so stimulating it isn’t the easiest thing to do.  It can be reached by sticking a well-lubed finger in your anus.  (Be sure to clip your fingernails first!)  Go in a couple of inches, then press against the wall toward your front.  You should eventually come across a walnut-sized lump on the other side of the wall.  That lump is your prostate.  If you’re not too keen on sticking a finger up your butt, there are many toys that are specifically designed for prostate stimulation.  They typically have a curved shape that will press against the prostate when inserted.  And if you’re not a fan of anything at all going in that opening, then it’s sort of possible to stimulate the prostate from outside.  There’s a soft patch in your perineum, directly in front of your anus.  If you press there, you should be able to feel your prostate.

Prostate stimulation generally consists of rubbing it or pressing against it.  Some people claim that prostate stimulation alone can cause orgasms, orgasms without ejaculation, or ejaculation without an orgasm, but in most cases, it just tends to increase the intensity of the sensation.  It also may make it so that a much larger than usual amount of pre-ejaculatory lubricant will flow from your penis, even if you’re not doing anything to stimulate your penis.

Can I have multiple orgasms?

Maybe.  There’s a common belief that once there’s been an orgasm, the penis goes into sleep mode and can’t be used again for a while.  While that’s typically the case, it can be possible, with practice, to be able to have an orgasm, but then keep going afterward.

Multiple orgasms should be considered an “advanced technique”.  If you’re just starting out, it’s best to get a bit more experience masturbating before going for extra innings.  Otherwise it’ll just unnecessarily complicate things.  Even if you’re a veteran, you may not find going for multiple orgasms to be worth the trouble.

One technique is to prevent ejaculation when you orgasm.  This can be done by tightly squeezing the base of the penis or pushing hard against the perineum just as the orgasm starts, in order to close off the urethra.  This way may, however, be uncomfortable.  Another method is to tighten and hold the muscles you use when you pee.  As soon as the orgasm starts, stop stimulating yourself and clench those muscles and hold them as tight as you can for as long as you can.  You’ll probably need to have strong PC muscles to pull this off, so practice those Kegels!

Another technique is to completely relax and stop stimulating your penis as soon as the orgasm starts.  Completely relax and hands off.  Your penis will probably twitch and pump and you’ll likely ejaculate a little bit.

In either case, once you feel the orgasm is ending, resume stimulation.  If you’re successful, you won’t feel too sensitive or not sensitive enough.  It’ll be just right, and the stimulation will feel pretty much like it did before the orgasm.  You should be able to build it back up for another orgasm (and possibly another and another…).  You probably won’t be able to keep going forever, though.  Each successive orgasm tends to become harder to obtain.

The orgasms in a sequence of multiple orgasms are often less pleasurable than the typical single orgasm.  This is because you’re disrupting the process and making it less intense.  Unfortunately, this means that if you ever fail to ride through the orgasm and aren’t able keep going on to another one, you’ll probably only have had a relatively weak and unsatisfying orgasm, and be facing a limp penis that’s not interested in continuing.  Because of this, you’ll probably want to try to finish with an orgasm that you don’t intentionally disrupt.

If you decide to pursue multiple orgasms, be aware that it takes a lot of practice and a willingness to experience disappointment while you try to get the hang of it.  Even if you get it figured out, you may decide that it’s not worth the effort.

What other things can I try?

The penis isn’t the only body part that you can use while masturbating.  Try caressing your testicles or your perineum, try touching or pinching your nipples, try rubbing your thighs, stomach, or chest.  All of those places, and more, can enhance the experience.  In particular, don’t be afraid of your testicles.  They’re not as fragile as you might expect.  Don’t be afraid to rub, tug, or even squeeze them.  Just start gently and work up from there.

Some people enjoy anal stimulation.  You can try rubbing the opening, or gently push a well lubed (and well-manicured) finger inside.  The prostate, mentioned before, lives in that area.

You can try sitting on a rubber ball, rolled up sock, or bunched up blanket or towel in such a way that it presses gently against your perineum.  The penis extends back into the body, just above the perineum, so pressure there can work to stimulate that extension of your penis.

Try a different grip on your penis.  The “door handle” grip is just one.  You can turn that grip upside-down, so that your thumb and forefinger are on the positioned closer to the base.  You can place your fingers down the side of your penis and have the head cupped by the palm of your hand as you stroke.  You can use only fingertips.  Any way you can hold your penis is a valid way to try masturbating.

Go at it two handed.  You can stack your hands on top of one another and have an extra long stroke.  You can perform an “endless” stroke by stroking one direction with one hand, then when you reach the end, place the other hand and stroke with it, in a continuous motion.  You can stroke with one hand, and rub circles with the other.  You can place the palm of one hand over the opening in the other hand, so that a downstroke will have the head of the penis rub against the palm of the hand.  You can rub your penis between two palms.  Or you can have one hand pay attention to the shaft, while the other hand works the head.  Any way you can think of to use two hands it probably something worth experimenting with.

You can try a completely different method of masturbation, one that does not involve manual stroking.  One fairly common method is to thrust into something smooth and slippery.  The smooth and slippery object can be any number of things:  Your lubed up hand, a penis sleeve or similar toy, a condom, or even something improvised, like a plastic sandwich bag with a little bit of lube placed inside.  You can try sandwiching the object between a couple of pillows on your bed.  You might want to place a towel between the object and the pillows, in case any lube or anything else spills out.  Once you’re set up, you lie face down on top of the pillows and place your penis inside.  After you’ve adjusted everything and found a comfortable position, you can start moving your hips back and forth in order to thrust your penis in and out of the object.  This method often feels very different than masturbating by hand.  (And always, experiment with technique, speed, and pressure to discover what works best for you.)

What if it doesn’t feel good?

If you’re first getting started, it might not actually feel all that good.  You’ll probably have to try a couple of times before you start figure out what works for you.

If you’ve been at it for a while, but still nothing, shake up your technique a bit.  Switch hands, try using lube, try a different position, try using a toy, go faster or slower, relax or strengthen your grip.  In particular, try squeezing a bit when you stroke over the head of your penis, adjust your grip so that you press harder on the underside of your penis, or try tightening the loop made by your thumb and forefinger as you pass over the corona.  And remember, there’s no cookie-cutter way to masturbate.  What works for someone else might not work for you.

If you’ve tried it all and it still doesn’t feel good, then maybe it just won’t.  If it bothers you, you might want to consult with a doctor.  There may be a treatable medical reason for why it doesn’t feel good.  (Notably, it’s a side effect of many medications.)  However, if you’re cool with it, don’t worry about it.  You don’t have to masturbate or have orgasms to survive, so don’t worry about it.  It’s not your thing, but it doesn’t have to be your thing.

Are there any dangers or warnings I should know about?

  • This post has been written specifically about solo masturbation.  There are numerous health and safety concerns that would potentially need to be addressed if you’re doing anything I’ve mentioned here with someone else.  Most notably, there are countless disease prevention (and in some cases, pregnancy prevention) steps you would probably want to take that I have not mentioned here.
  • Don’t stick your penis into anything that wasn’t meant for it.  Always remember that a soft penis grows into a hard one, so something that’s easy to get into may be considerably harder to get out of.  Also, if the object is hard or rough, you could potentially cut, scrape, or otherwise injure yourself.
  • If you’re masturbating by thrusting into something, be careful not to accidentally jam your penis into something with the full force of a forward thrust.  Although there are no bones to break in your penis, it can still be severely injured by something like this.  If you slip out of whatever you’re thrusting into, carefully guide your penis back in before resuming full speed.
  • Watch what you use for lube.  Shampoo and soap might seem nice and slick, but it can severely dry out the skin or cause a rash.  They also may get into the urethra, where they’ll burn.  Some creams contain a “medicated” tingling or warming feature.  It might feel good on a sore back, but the sensation could be excruciating on your penis and testicles.  (Then again, that one’s up to individual preference…  Some people like how it feels…)
  • Inserting an object in your anus carries the risk of it getting stuck.  Save yourself an embarrassing visit to an emergency room and only use items that can’t get pulled completely inside and “lost”.  Many anal toys will have a ridge or tab to prevent them from going all the way in, or they’ll have a string attached to easy retrieval.
  • Make sure anything entering your anus is smooth and well lubed, and don’t force it in.  In particular, cut your fingernails!  A long fingernail might cut the inner lining, which can be unpleasant and runs the risk of infection.  Inadequate lubrication might cause irritation or tearing.
  • NEVER do ANYTHING that forcibly cuts off your airway while masturbating.  People have actually died from doing that.  You can hold your breath, but leave it at that.  Besides, taking long deep breaths can actually increase the sensations more than holding your breath will.
  • If it hurts, stop!  You’re probably doing something wrong.

[Up to Masturbation | Main]

Asexuality Questionnaire #8b.1: Masturbation

IMPORTANT:  If you are under 18, skip this questionnaire.  Return to the main questionnaire page and answer some others instead.

If you have not already done so, please stop off at the main questionnaire page for important information about the intent of these questionnaires.

This questionnaire is for asexuals who do not masturbate.  If you are asexual and masturbate, please head to the other questionnaire.

Thank you for your interest, but this survey is now closed!  We are no longer accepting responses at this time.  If you’re curious, here’s what the questions were:

  1. What are your thoughts about masturbation?
  2. Why don’t you masturbate?
  3. Have you masturbated or tried to masturbate in the past and stopped for some reason?  Why?
  4. If you never have, would you be willing to do so at some point in the future?
  5. Have you ever looked for information about masturbation, such as how-to guides?

[wpsqt name=”Masturbation Part B1″ type=”survey”]

Asexuality Questionnaire #8a.2: Masturbation

IMPORTANT:  If you are under 18, skip this questionnaire.  Return to the main questionnaire page and answer some others instead.

If you have not already done so, please stop off at the main questionnaire page for important information about the intent of these questionnaires.

This questionnaire is for asexuals who masturbate.  If you are asexual and do not masturbate, please head to the other questionnaire.

Thank you for your interest, but this survey is now closed!  We are no longer accepting responses at this time.  If you’re curious, here’s what the questions were:

  1. How often do you do masturbate?
  2. Do you use sex toys?
  3. Have you ever looked for information about masturbation, such as how-to guides or ideas of other techniques?
  4. Do you feel that someone who masturbates is less asexual than someone who does not?  Why or why not?
  5. How do you respond to the claim that someone who masturbates can’t be asexual?

[wpsqt name=”Masturbation Part A2″ type=”survey”]

Asexuality Questionnaire #8a.1: Masturbation

IMPORTANT:  If you are under 18, skip this questionnaire.  Return to the main questionnaire page and answer some others instead.

If you have not already done so, please stop off at the main questionnaire page for important information about the intent of these questionnaires.

This questionnaire is for asexuals who masturbate.  If you are asexual and do not masturbate, please head to the other questionnaire.

Thank you for your interest, but this survey is now closed!  We are no longer accepting responses at this time.  If you’re curious, here’s what the questions were:

  1. What are your thoughts about masturbation?
  2. Why do you masturbate?
  3. Do you enjoy it?
  4. What do you think of while doing masturbating?  Do you fantasize about anything?
  5. When did you start?  Why did you first masturbate?

[wpsqt name=”Masturbation Part A1″ type=”survey”]