This is the third post in a three part series on the possible signs of asexuality. The items discussed here aren’t meant to be any kind of “Am I Ace?” checklist, so it’s okay if you don’t identify or agree with any of them. They’re just experiences that I’ve seen pop up over and over when asexuals talk about their lives.
The first day was all about thoughts you may have had about yourself and your identity, the second day was all about thoughts on sex and sexual activity, and today is all about thoughts about other people and other things.
Links to the posts in this series:
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 2: About Sex
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 3: About Others
You’ve never wanted to “jump someone’s bones”. You’ve never thought “I’d hit that”.
This is one of the more common reasons people discover that they’re asexual. At some point in their lives, they’ll look around and realize that other people say things like that and mean them. That straight out of the blue, one person will look at another, often a complete stranger, and think, “I would like to have sex with that person”, and that, in some cases, this thought will drive people’s actions.
Some asexuals may even look at this and think that’s bizarre. Why would anyone do that sort of thing? The whole concept is so different from how they look at the same scenario that it may be impossible for them to process those actions into something that makes sense. For some asexual people, the thought “I would like to have sex with that person” could seem as random and unexpected as “I would like to paint that person blue, cover them with twigs, and dance around them in a circle all night”.
You don’t feel that anyone is “hot”. “Cute”, maybe, “pretty”, maybe, but not “hot”.
Some asexuals don’t connect with the word “hot” and other words describing someone’s sexual desirability. We’re able to judge and rank subjective beauty on a scale from “ugly” to “pretty”, we may feel that some people are “cute”, but “hot” can be a word that some asexuals avoid. It’s not that we don’t understand it. We can usually point at someone and identify whether other people might classify them as “hot”. It’s that we don’t feel it. When other people use words like “hot”, we can sense that there’s some innate internal buzzer going off inside their mind, and that the word is not just some synonym or sub-category of words like “cute” or “pretty”. The word means more to them than “visually appealing”. There’s something behind it, some sense, some response that’s driving them to choose “hot” over “pretty”, and we don’t experience what that sense is.
Additionally, the word “sexy” is also not within your realm of understanding.
You thought that everyone else was just pretending to be interested in sex.
Many asexuals describe having a sort of “Emperor’s New Clothes” view of sex at some point in their lives: That everyone else is just pretending to like it simply because everyone else seems to like it, and they don’t want to be the only one who speaks out and says “No, I’m not really into that.” In this view, a sexually charged culture enforces conformity.
This view often comes about during the teenage years. The asexual’s friends all start talking about boys or girls, but they don’t feel anything yet themselves. Puberty strikes different people at different times and in different ways, so at first, they’ll just think they’re not there yet, but as time goes on, they’ll realize that they never started getting all that interested in boys or girls. This may lead to thoughts like, “Well, I never got interested in sex, so maybe no one else really did, either. Maybe they’re all just faking to fit in.”
Which brings us to…
You just pretended to be interested in sex.
Sometimes, some asexuals will feel pressured to pretend to be interested in sex in order to fit in. All your friends get caught up in what they’d like to do and who they’d like to do it with, but you don’t feel that way about anyone. So, you just smile and nod, until…
“So, who do YOU like?”
…and you sputter out something about Johnny or Sally, not because you’re actually interested in them, but because they seemed like acceptable options to use to hide how you really feel, because if you told your friends how you really feel, they’d just laugh at you and think you’re a freak.
And so, you lie and go along with it. Eventually, you may even end up in a relationship and…
You pretended to like sex so your partner wouldn’t think you didn’t love them.
For many people, love and sex are inextricably linked. A sexual rejection is taken as a rejection of the person as a whole, a sign that they’re unloved, rather than just an indication that their partner has an activity they’re not all that interested in. This can pose a challenge for asexuals in a relationship. They can be truly, madly, deeply, and endlessly in love, yet just not care for sex. They fear that letting their partner know how they feel would mean that their love would be doubted and the relationship would be destroyed as a result. “If you really loved me, you’d want sex with me.”
It’s even possible that the asexual partner does enjoy sex, but are afraid to let their partner know that they don’t find them sexually attractive. And so, they put on an act of attraction and will say things like “You’re so hot” or “You turn me on so much” when that’s not actually the case.
Sex is not love, love is not sex. It’s possible to love someone you’re not sexually attracted to. It’s possible to have and even enjoy sex, even if you’re not sexually attracted to the person you’re involved with.
Conversations about sex aren’t interesting.
Friends and coworkers like to talk about sex. They like to talk about what they’ve done, what they’d like to do, and what they’ve heard about other people doing. They boast about bachelor(ette) parties or one night stands. They discuss who’s hot, how hot they are, and what attributes make them hot. They make suggestive comments about the delivery person or the receptionist or the wait staff at the restaurant.
And you couldn’t care less.
If they’re talking about other people, like how “hot” the waitress is or how “steamy” the delivery guy is, there’s a good chance that you didn’t even notice them. If they’re talking about parties or one-night stands, there’s a good chance you don’t have any comparable experiences to discuss. You just zone out when they start talking about these things, and let the conversation run its course. Sometimes, people may notice that you’ve gone quiet and think that you’re offended by where the conversation has gone, but that’s not necessarily the case. You’ve gone quiet because you’ve got no input, no commentary, no questions.
You often find sex scenes in books/TV/movies to be out of place or boring.
You’re watching a movie when suddenly the male and female leads start going at it for no reason: [fast forward!]
You’re reading a book when suddenly it turns to “heaving bosoms” and “love’s juices”: [next chapter!]
Perhaps it’s a sense of “Ew, icky”, but it doesn’t have to be. More often, it’s a sense of “Why are they doing that? What’s the point? Get back to the story!” Half the time, the sexual encounter is unforgivably contrived. Sometimes you can even imagine the writers meeting with their editor or producer and being told to “sex it up a bit, the ratings are off this year”, and the writers just randomly drawing character names from a hat to decide who should go at it.
Bad acting and lame stories in porn really bug you, because, after all, what’s the point in watching a movie if it’s no good?
“Oh, come on, if that sort of thing happened in real life, she’d have that doctor arrested. That guy is a terrible actor, it’s like he never even bothered to look at the script. And don’t even get me started on that set and how cheap it looks! It’s supposed to be a doctor’s office, so where’s the blood pressure thingy and the jar of tongue depressors and the bed with the paper stuff? I mean, that looks like a cheap Army surplus cot from the 50′s! That can’t possibly be sterile! What’s this now? Why is she moaning? He’s not anywhere near her! What is supposed to be happening? She keeps looking directly at the camera, too. And that guy keeps getting in the way of the shot.. Didn’t the director plan out the scene with the actors ahead of time? Why am I even watching this?”
You feel like sex comes naturally to everyone else, but you have to work at it.
You look at other people, and they seem to instinctively understand sex, and how to play the game. Your partner handles it effortlessly, while for you, sex ends up more like a poorly-choreographed attempt at a secret handshake that no one taught you than a spontaneous expression of intimacy. It’s like everyone else went to some sort of intensive training camp and knows everything inside and out, while you have to pick it up on the job. Even so, there’s some secret that everyone else seems to know, the key to understanding the whole thing, and you know that you will never learn that secret, no matter how hard you try.
If given the hypothetical chance of a no-strings, no-regrets, no-consequences sexual encounter, you’d have to think about it.
Usually, this comes in the form of a hypothetical situation: “Random Hot Person X appears in front of you and says ‘Let’s get it on’. Would you go for it?” For many people, the response is an unequivocal and immediate, “Yes”. For others, it’s “No, I can’t, my boyfriend wouldn’t let me”. But for you, it’s something more like, ”Well, I don’t know… It’s Friday. Fringe is on. I guess I could record it, but I was looking forward to watching it all day.”
You never initiate sex.
It’s not that you dislike sex. It’s not that your partner isn’t any good. It’s that you just never think about it. It’s never on your mind. So, as a result, you never think, “Hey, I’d like to have sex right now. I should go see if my partner is up for it.”
This, of course, can cause problems in relationships. Your partner may end up feeling like they always do all the work and may even begin to think that your lack of initiative is an indication that you’re not really in love with them.
You don’t catch it when people are flirting, even when you’re the one doing the flirting.
I’ve seen this one pop up in asexual discussions a couple of times. It’s happened to me, and I just thought I was completely oblivious. I’ve been told that I’m good at flirting, even though I just thought I was having a normal conversation. And whenever someone is flirting with me, I won’t notice. (And probably wouldn’t know what to do, even if I did.) Only hours later, when I think back on the conversation, will I realize that something was off.
I was once on vacation, in a park, taking 3D pictures with a homemade stereoscopic camera. A woman called me over and started asking questions about the camera, and telling me how she was a photographer, too. We spoke for a minute or two, then I continued wandering around the park. On my way back to my car, I passed the bench, and she loudly lamented to her friend “Where are all the good men in this town?”.
I was literally in the next state when I realized that she probably wasn’t that interested in my camera.
—————
I know that I didn’t discuss every possible indicator of ace-ness, and I’m sure there’s some of these that that you’ll have your own take on. I’m even starting to come up with more things I should’ve written about, but I know that if I keep adding and adding, I’ll never actually get this out the door.
I sense a part 4 in the future…
Links to the posts in this series:
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 2: About Sex
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 3: About Others
(BTW, in case you’ve been wondering about it this whole time, this is a XONOX. It has absolutely no relation to anything else, I just needed a nonsense word and that’s what popped into my head, because that’s just the kind of nerd I am.)
Pingback: Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You | Asexuality Archive
Pingback: Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 2: About Sex | Asexuality Archive
Never want to jump anyone, seems too impulsive. I will, however, hopefully get to that point in the relationship where she wouldn’t mind a smush once in a while :) Gotta love ‘em soft
I laughed so hard at the the book/tv/movie bit. That is ME without question. Many people don’t believe me when I say I read paranormal romances for the plot but I do. Even if I am reading a scene its usually because it’s integral to the plot and even then I’m going “does it have to be that detailed? what the hell is she describing?”
In response to your response on Part 2. Thanks for the other words. I went and looked them up and will be doing some more soul-searching. It feels like I fit into one of those, which would cause me much relieved stress. Also, the flirting thing…I sympathize and empathize with you. I’ve been told I’m a “good flirter” (whatever that means) but I’m just being myself. I also have a nonverbal learning disability so on top of me not recognizing flirting by other people, I usually have to ask individuals if what I think may have been flirting was indeed flirting.
Thanks for taking the time to do these. I think it is a great help to incredible amounts of people. And I sense a Part 4 (but watch out for Never Ending Possible Signs….)
I loved every single one of these three posts. Every part. I kept scrolling down thinking “that one described me PERFECTLY, how can it possibly get any more specific?” and as soon as I reach the heading of the next section, it’s “OH MY GOD, YES! EXACTLY!” all over again. Even as a virgin ace, I can identify with the parts that are directly sex-related from the one (awful) relationship I was in- even without the actual sex, anything heading in remotely the general direction garnered the same type of response.
The one thing I would add from my personal experience in your book/tv/movie section is that, in writing, I do actually read those parts. Sometimes. Heck, I’ve gone out of my way to find a traditional “romance novel” a couple times (okay, I admit, it tends to be lemon-y fan fiction. sue me.) But it’s all morbid curiosity. The whole time I read, 90% of my brain is going “ew. ew. OH MY GOD SHE DID WHAT?” ew. EWWW.” but there’s that last 10% that’s just fascinated by the whole idea in a weird scientific/psychological sort of way.
Well im more of the indifferent type of Ace , im actually Aromantic Asexual i dont feel the need for sexual or romantic relationships and im just indifferent towards sex and romance in general; ive grown up in such a overly sexual world where its always a priority , when i was i high school everyone was so into it and ogling at the guys or girls , its so obsessive that a few of the girls in my class graduated pregnant even and i was completely oblivious to everything , then in college i noticed the couples holding hands and kissing in the hallways i always though there was something off with me why i never was the typical hormonal teen or why in college i saw couples together and was like “oh ,ok cool good for you ” but never saw that for myself right now at this moment im 25 a virgin sexually speaking , never been kissed and im completely fine i recently found this place AVEN where literally all was answered , i didnt know Asexuality existed it was new to me and now i feel more at ease knowing im not the only one that feels this way. BTW another point i wanted to make is that even though im aromantic ace i can read and watch romantic movies and stories (im actually a fan of the twilight books, mostly cause of the friendships of Bella with Jacob and Alice lol ) i dont skip i just see it as part of the story , never been repulsed by it cause i understand its needed for others to procreate (i wouldnt be here if sex didnt exist lol) but its simply not for me ! lol i understand it i see its natural and right for a majority of people, im more interested in friendships , that is the relationship type i look for i would be fine living on my own , doing my own thing leading my own life with a few close friends by my side , my pets and a good job thats all i need !
Linked to this from the AVEN Facebook group, and just wanted to thank you for posting it! This just describes perfectly some things that I’ve never been able to put into coherent words, or even consider until now, and will definitely be useful for explaining things to friends/coworkers/sexuals in the future. It’s very well-written, too, and got me chuckling or outright laughing aloud- along with the odd epiphany (at least one per page!) The ‘accidental flirting’ bit is also, unfortunately, very true, and the cause of far too many misunderstandings between (what I think are just) friends.
Though I’ve got to admit, the funniest part was when I followed the link to find out what a XONOX was- a ‘XONOX Double-Ender’? Really?! Accidental innuendo, or genuine genius?
I so relate to the flirting thing. Usually it happens when others are around and they tell me later that the person was flirting with me. I’m like, “What? No.” and they’re like, “Yep, they were totally flirting with you.” Honestly, I can’t even tell. To me it feels like a normal conversation so how was I supposed to know the other person was flirtng?
Books…I go through those scenes out of curiosity. It usually does end with “Why would they do that?” though.
Thanks for this, it does make things a little clearer. I’ve been pretty confused about it all lately and don’t feel like I can really talk to anyone about it. My family all think I’m weird because I’m 20 and I’ve never gone out with anyone, kissed anyone etc or shown even the mildest interest in doing so. I’m one of those over analytic people who spend hours obsessing over conversations and it usually takes me ages to work out that someone might actually have been flirting with me. And then I always wonder why. I don’t really want to end up alone or anything but I’m afraid that I just can’t connect with people the way everyone else seems to be able to. Honestly I feel like another species from some distant planet hopelessly wandering around Earth and just trying to blend in. This gives me a bit of hope – maybe there are people like me out there after all!
I know exactly how you feel Katie. People think I´m so weird that when I´ve tried coming out , they just shake their heads and say… you´re just sad… you have low self-esteem, you´ll meet the right guy and feel differently. But I don´t… And you know what? It´s been great to finally understand
I have the same problems when I think people flirt with me. There is a certain girl I have become close to, and I’m not sure if she likes me or not. I’m completely oblivious to when women “hint” at wanting a relationship, and I’m worried I wouldn’t be able to keep a relationship lasting if I were to be in one. I also have situations where apparently I’m “too open.” Before I was trying to trip a friend, but I made it really obvious. He tried to push past my leg and I just grabbed his leg with both of mine and tried to pull it backwards. I didn’t realize how that action could’ve been taken until after he told me that I was being homosexual. This is just one of many situations like this that I have experienced. My vague point with this story though is that it just doesn’t make sense to me, and I feel alone many times because of this. I’m just glad that I’m not the only one.
Wow after reading all three of these posts, It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I was begining to think I was some kind of warped sociopath. I know I’m not in to other women for sure, I guess I would be concidered stright because I have had crushes on guys before, but the thought of any sexual act disturbeds me and also makes me what to vomit, even kissing. I’m just like, I like you but don’t touch me. X)
I feel like this a lot. I can almost never tell when a guy is flirting and when I can tell, I just find it weird. Why can´t he act like a normal person? I don´t need him to woo me. It´s annoying as hell, I can tell you that.
People don´t really understand what asexuality is though. I can´t tell you how many times I´ve been told I “just need to meet the right guy”…. Sure… or that maybe I´m gay and don´t know it. Or the one that I get the most is that maybe I´m depressed. They don´t get that´s just not it. The truth is, sex bores me. It bores me. Conversations about sex are ok, but most of the time I feel people have these very strange theories about it. To each his or her own I guess.
It´s been a relief to know that people like me exist. I thought I was alone too. Thanks, this was helpful.
I am still incredibly confused. Half of these are spot on for me but the rest are kind of off. I have never had sex and I do find it strange when people talk about it. I do, however, admire the female body and love to see a hot girl. I have had fantasies in the past but it was more out of curiosity to see if it turned me on. Nope. I kind of liked the idea of sex but the thought of me doing it is just not right. I am sure I would enjoy it, but at the same time I know something would not be right in it. I hate all that sexy clothing and make up. To me, if a girl is hot she is wearing comfortable clothes, even if they are sweats and a baggy t shirt (which apparently, I found out before, is considered to be hideous). I think sex doesn’t belong in movies and if I see a naked girl, I admire her beauty, but I would much rather see her clothed. I do, however, understand sex to the point that I understand dirty jokes and think they are funny. I also never, and I mean NEVER, masturbate. I tried once. Yup once, and I got in five seconds and it felt disgusting and I couldn’t think of a single thing to get off to. So in my entire life I have masturbated for a total of five seconds and I refuse to ever do it again. I am slightly curious about sex since I have never had it and I know I might enjoy it, but at the same time, I know that if I had a girlfriend and she wanted to go at it, I would be confused and not know what to do. I have had fantasies before but they were just that. Fantasies. I knew that in all actuality I wouldn’t do those things. I don’t know. The more I write the more it seems like I AM asexual…
Well, that helped clarify a lot of things for me, especially the flirting section. There’s one person in one of my classes that according to my friends apparently likes me, and that may be because I was flirting without knowing it. To me, it was just a normal, if sarcastic and cynical conversation. Anyway, thank you so much for making these articles- they helped me a lot and I can now firmly say that I’m asexual.
I always feel really strange when I think back on a conversation and realize I missed some flirting. The story about the stereoscopic camera sounds like something that would happen to me. I usually feel pretty bad about it or at least a little melancholy, hoping that I did alright just thinking that it was a friendly conversation and didn’t harm the other person’s ego or anything. I get a weird sense for a second that I missed an opportunity, but I quickly realize that I wouldn’t have done anything differently (a ghost from anxious high school years when I thought getting things to work out with a girl would be the solution to depression, even though I had zero interest in doing so).
I feel like this describes me
“thumbs up”
There are a few other things I noticed about my asexuality that weren’t on the three lists but I need to get some sleep so I’ll put this for now.
I can still get aroused when reading stories with sex in it or when creating a sex scene in my head from my favorite tv show characters or something (but never feel interested in trying it out in real life myself) but just think “meh, nothing’s happening for me” whenever I try to imagin me or someone I know having sex .
With this I believe that it can be the idea itself that’s arousing but not the acutual act of having sex.
Even when reading a fan fiction and it has a sex scene (even if I get slightly aroused) in it I still seem to focus on the mechanics more often such as wheather they’re in character, analyzing the kinks and themes, wheather it’s consistent with the plot and not just random, how the thoughts, feelings, and actions are expressed, how it’s written, spelling, use of more complex words.
I guess the best way to explain it is if you get aroused reading about certin kinks (say bondage) but don’t get aroused trying them out.
For a moment I thought I was the only person he could think of.
I am comforted to know I’m not the only one excites with these stories, but not patient no interest in putting it into practice-
I didn’t even realize I do many of the things you describe here before I read your posts. I have sex because my partner expects it, but I focus on motion instead of emotion. I am very interested in sex, but -just like you wrote- as an cultural phenomena, and probably people do sometimes think I’m way too open about fetishes and such. Until now I thought “I’d hit him/her” was a joke, not a real “I want to have sex with this person right now”. Masturbation to me is a way to release relaxing hormones and to ease stress, and I absolutely prefer it to actual sex.
And I thought I’m bad at being a woman. Especially when lack of interest in sex is considered as a symptom of depression.
Thank you for these posts! :)
I found these posts while desperately looking for information on asexuality, terrified that my fears would be confirmed; that I am asexual. And they have been: I read through these lists of indicators, some meant nothing to me, but most were just spot on.
I have suspected that I am asexual for some time, but I haven’t had the courage to find out, too scared of what it might mean for my life. And I still am very scared, but the way you’ve written these posts is so open and friendly… I don’t feel so alone. Thank you.
I personally don’t care much about sexual things. Its not like I ever look at someone and think… I want to have sex with you. I mean I love reading about sex, but exotic sex like girl on girl mostly. Its not like I want sex with girls or guys. I just really would rather do something else than sex like a date rather than sex. The idea of sex I find kinda ewww… I just never got why when I was around guys why I never had sexual urges around them. My boyfriend can be butt naked around me, and I still have no sexual urges around him. Idk why though it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Even with an ex-girlfriend of mine she kept talking sex, and I would just change the subject. I didn’t find her sexy or hot either. I mean I did sext her, and like that allowing me a glimpse into what other peoples obsession with sex might be. But its not like when she sent me the pic right away that I thought man do I want that… But considering it was new and exciting I think that is why I liked it. I am a person who’d rather have a romantic relationship, close compaionship, and a caring friendship than sex.
My thoughts have always been, “Why would I need to do that? I can do it myself if i need to.” And I’ve never been attracted to anyone. But I’m still not really sure.
I want to thank you. Your posts have cleared up so much confusion. It’s official: I am asexual.
The book/movie part described me perfectly. I’ll be reading a book and I’ll be like, “This book is so cool! There are freaking secret agents and explosions and stuff!” Then, I’ll get half way through and go, “Wait, what the heck is happening? Why are they flirting? Why aren’t they focusing on the mission?! No! Stop with the sex scenes! I thought these two characters hated each other, anyways! Where have all the ninjas and time-bombs gone?! How would you manage to accidentally walk in on somebody showering, anyways?! You should hear the SUPER LOUD running water!I HATE THIS BOOK!!!!!” Because of this, I’ve never managed to finish half of the books that I get on birthdays.
I love you. Are you perhaps an angel? I’ve read about asexuality before and the way it was described, I didn’t think it fit me. But reading this, damn. This is my life story. Society had me thinking that something was missing in me, that I was stunted, failing to mature like my peers. That I was incomplete. Out of shame, I faked it for a long time, but now I understand that it’s okay and completely natural not to care, and I won’t torture myself any longer. I’ve wasted too much time focusing on sex, thinking I need it to be happy, and knowing I can just toss it to the wind is such a relief. Thank you so much.
Waah, this whole issue is really confusing for me…
I am in a relationship with somebody I really like, and we do have sex, and I find it enjoyable, and I’m pretty sure I don’t just go along with it to please them- although I do have a vague sense that I’m more interested in making them feel good than feeling good myself.
However, I’m not really interested in sex, and feel like I could just as easily go without it; I find it enjoyable, but it doesn’t feel necessary. Whenever I read descriptions of sex in books or see it in movies, it doesn’t do anything for me (same with thinking of people as ‘hot’; I’ve never thought of anybody as ‘hot’, or had sexual desires about people, really…); and sometimes, when listening to people talk about sex, it actually makes me feel kind of upset, like ‘well, I never feel it’s something I ~need~, or anything particularly important, so why do so many other people seem to view it as such…?’ It makes me feel a little separated from other people.
It’s something I genuinely don’t understand, I don’t get why it’s seen as such a big deal- I had a friend explain it to me in the past as being a ‘natural human desire’ that people need to live, like eating or drinking, but it’s never felt like that to me in the slighest.
Before I was in a sexual relationship with somebody I was sure I was aesexual based on the above facts (my lack of interest/understanding of the hype around sex, with no desire to do anything about it), but since I am in a relationship with somebody and I do find it enjoyable I think maybe I’m not after all…? But I do feel like my views on sex are different from a other peoples’, so I don’t know……..
I mean categorising it probably doesn’t matter overly much, in my case, so long as I’m happy, but I would like to know…
Uh, I’m sorry the really long and pointless message, too…
This has made me feel so much better. I always thought it was super weird that I never wanted to have sex or ever thought it was enticing. I am never sexually attracted to anyone and I never feel like I am attracted enough to anyone, to have a relationship. I am afraid they would be bored because I just think of a relationship as going to the movies, going shopping, or doing outside activities. I never think of a sexual aspect to it. I’ve had a few people ask me if I was ace, and I’ve always said no because I figured I was just going through a phase and it would happen one day. Well, as a I got older I realized that it wouldn’t go away and that maybe I am ace. My best friend has been telling me for a year and a half that he thinks I’m ace. I’m starting to think he may be right. Again, this website has made me feel less weird and alienated than before. I don’t feel like a freak or a weirdo who has no desire to have sex. I feel like I am not alone and I feel accepted.
Before reading this article i have always being wondering why i never felt sexually attracted to any woman ( I am 27 year old) so i guess now that’s due to the fact that i’ m asexual.
PLEASE HELP! I’m like this about sex and stuff, but I don’t love people either. Never loved anyone. i think romance is completely alien. Never felt romantic or had a crush. I just don’t like anyone. I may not be asexual if I can’t feel love either. Is there a name for this? I don’t know. Am I crazy? Are other asexuals like this?
Sounds like “aromantic” might be something you’d want to look into.
I felt an obligation to thank you for these posts. I have been confused as to my orientation for a while. I’m a sophomore in high school, so sex has become more prominent than it was when I was younger. I always hear my friends say they felt like a new person after their first time, and I just thought “what’s so life-changing?” it even seems repulsive to me at times. I never identified as heterosexual simply because I never felt attracted to females. I ended up with bisexual because I didn’t care about the gender, but I didn’t really care about any of it at all. I have been doing research lately, because this whole thing has been bugging me. I related to almost all of these scenarios (except the ones involving the partaking of sexual activity) and after more research I have found that this is what I am. Sex has never appealed to me, whether it is regular, oral, etc. What confused me the most is how there is sex implied in almost EVERY SINGLE song I hear. I just find it disturbing to hear how they did indescribable things to a random chick they picked up in the club. I also found I had a lack of knowledge of the processes involved with sex. It just never added up to me. Sorry if this post irritated you in some way, I just needed to get this out and this seemed to be a good outlet. Thanks for the posts and help :D
On a side note, I would like to know how this got a profile picture for me, since this is the one I have on skype ㅎ-ㅎ.
It’s using Gravatar. It’s possible that’s what Skype uses, too.
Thanks so much for sharing your personal experience!!!
As a result of reading articles such as yours, I develop a clearer concept of myself as an asexual woman. Don’t stop writing! You have a gift!
I’m really thankful that you went through and explained all of this. It cleared a lot up. Not a whole lot of it sounds like me but on the other hand… My question though is that, yeah, i’ve thought about sex and such, and I think I want that kind of relationship, but when someone holds my hand or kisses me, I really don’t like it. And I have a big problem with most people touching me. (Although I’m fine hugging my friends and cuddling.) Is it just that I’m not attracted to that specific person (or haven’t found the right person) or is it me? And I’ve never had a crush on an actual person, fictional characters aside. (Side note…why does sexuality have to be confusing?)
I’m an aromantic asexual myself (16/male/Mexico/INTJ, if anyone is interested), and to interact with many of my friends, I have to try to think sexually. Sometimes I come off as an accidental pervert because of the fact that I have no intuitive feeling of what is «normal» and what is «weird». And anyway, I’m one of that rare breed who factor large numbers for fun (I told a schoolmate that it’s my substitute for masturbation, so they could really grasp my asexuality), so…
My friendships are mainly with the less popular students. I find that they can be quite a few orders of magnitude more interesting and multidimensional than the in-crowd, and that has earned me the stately respect and admiration of my peers. It can be a difficult matter, because I really don’t understand teenagers, but I can always open up to them.
I’m a sapiophile, but definitely not in a sexual way. For me, it’s more like wanting to spend hours talking to intelligent people, to delve into the depths of their personalities and emerge having learnt something new, and I have a 133 IQ, so it’s hard for me to find a similar partner. (I know IQ is flawed, but I needed the comparison.) Being an asexual has its benefits and drawbacks, but it’s part of my identity, and I don’t think I’d like to be different.
OMG the part about having to think about the no-strings, no-regrets, no-consequences sexual encounter “well, what day is it, I have things I usually do . . . ” I never even thought of that and I agree. Still working into this idea of asexuality but everything seems to be lining up for me, which both relieves and complicates things sadly ^^”