Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 2: About Sex

This is the second post in a three part series on the possible signs of asexuality.  The items discussed here aren’t meant to be any kind of “Am I Ace?” checklist, so it’s okay if you don’t identify or agree with any of them.  They’re just experiences that I’ve seen pop up over and over when asexuals talk about their lives.

The first part in this series focused mostly inward, on thoughts you may have had about yourself and your identity.  Today is all about sex and sexual activity.  If that’s not your thing, you might want to skip today and come back for the conclusion tomorrow.

Links to the posts in this series:

You’d much rather do X than do sex.

When you think about sex, you realize that there are dozens of things you’d much rather do.  I’d rather read a book, I’d rather watch TV, I’d rather play a video game, I’d rather go to a movie, I’d rather stargaze, I’d rather walk the dog, I’d rather go shopping, I’d rather organize the books on the bookshelf by date of author’s birth, I’d rather go bird watching, I’d rather build a Lego tribute to the Prime Ministers of Canada, I’d rather work on the car, I’d rather mow the lawn, I’d rather learn Esperanto, I’d rather fly a kite, I’d rather eat cake…

Your sex dreams don’t really have sex.

I had a dream with a warning for “adult content and mature themes”.  It was about mortgage payments.  I’ve had dreams where naked women throw themselves on me, and I tell them that I’m really busy and I’m supposed to be somewhere.  I’ve had dreams where women are very obviously coming on to me, and I completely miss it.  I’ve told women in dreams to put their clothes back on, because they look cold.  It’s like the part of my brain that generates dreams didn’t get the memo that I’m asexual, so it still is sending out these prompts for sex dreams, but the rest of my brain doesn’t process them, so they always end up weird.

Many asexuals say that they’ve never had sex dreams of any kind.

You think that “sexy” clothes just look uncomfortable or cold and can’t understand why anyone would wear them.

Tight pants look like they’re going to squeeze the life out of someone, and if it’s a guy wearing them, you know he’s gotta be in pain.  Heels look like a broken ankle waiting to happen.  Shirts that expose the midriff have to be freezing in this weather.  All that lace is just going to leave a weird pattern in your skin.  Thongs seem like they’re going to cut you in half like a wire saw.

And I never got the point of make-up, either.

You don’t really fantasize.

Everyone else seems like they undress people with their eyes.

Everyone else seems like they dream about having their way with the quarterback or the head cheerleader.

Everyone else seems like they would “hit that”.

But not you.  It’s not that you won’t, because you think it’s sinful or something like that.  It’s that you don’t.  Your mind just doesn’t work that way.  It doesn’t spontaneously imagine leaping into bed with someone.  Maybe it’s even that you can’t.  Maybe you’ve tried to devise erotic fantasies and have failed.  You tried to undress someone with your eyes once, but you couldn’t even figure out how to get their bra off.  And if you can make it to the hot & heavy, rather than picturing the perfect mix of ecstasy and passion, you get bogged down in the details and distracted.  You spend so much energy trying to maintain the fantasy that you lose whatever pleasure you were hoping to get from it.

You don’t like sex.

Some asexuals don’t like sex.  They don’t want to do it, they don’t want to see it, they don’t want to hear it, they don’t want to think about it.  At the age when most people were hearing about sex and thinking “I’d like to try that”, they were thinking “You want me to do what with WHAT?  No.  Just.  No.”

While not liking sex is not the same as asexuality, many asexuals don’t like sex, and discover that they’re asexual when they’re trying to find out why they don’t like sex.

A lot of non-asexual people feel this way, too, when they first hear about sex.  Let’s face it, the whole process is a bit icky, after all.  However, for most people who feel this way, those thoughts are pushed aside once sexual attraction kicks in.  But for the aversive asexual, sexual attraction never comes along to override these feelings.

The “ick factor” isn’t the only reason people don’t like sex.  Some asexuals don’t like sex because they find it uncomfortable or boring.  There are thousands of reasons that someone might not like sex.

You like sex, but it doesn’t feel “right”.

I don’t mean this in an “Oh, it’s sinful and dirty” sense.  I mean it in the sense where something seems off, like gears with mismatched teeth or walking with gum on your shoe or using a shopping cart that always pulls to the right.  At first glance, it seems like everything’s okay, but the more you think about it, the more things feel off.

Perhaps you physically enjoy sex.  Maybe you like making your partner feel good.  There are things you might really like about sex, but at the same time, there’s something missing.  When you watch your partner’s reactions, it’s clear that there’s something there that you’re not feeling.  It’s impossible to put your finger on it, but you know there’s something there.  Some intangible spark is behind their eyes, and you’re acutely aware that spark is missing in your eyes.

This was how I felt when I had sex.  It physically felt great, but emotionally, I was not connected to the moment and to my partner.  She wanted it, she was into it, she had been craving that moment for months, while I just didn’t have any of that.

You had sex because that’s what you were “supposed to do”.

You never were really interested in having sex, you never felt a drive or biological desire to have sex, but you thought you wanted to have sex because “that’s what people do”.  Later on, you got a partner, they wanted to have sex and you went along with it because “that’s what people do”.  You kept having sex because “that’s what I’m supposed to do”.  It felt more like an obligation or a chore than the expression of love it was supposed to be.  At first, you may have even wanted the experience, but as time went on, you grew tired of it.

When you encountered the naked body of someone for the first time in a sexual situation, you looked at it like a real-life anatomy lesson, rather than an object of desire.

This one happened to me.  I was in my bedroom with my first (and so far, only) girlfriend.  Following her lead, we were fooling around a bit.  She was wearing short shorts and sitting on my bed.  She sat me down on the floor in front of her, spread open her legs, and pulled aside her shorts.

I think that most young men in this situation look upon it with unbridled glee.  It’s a milestone in their life, something they’d been working toward, often for years.  Instantly, their mind fills with ideas and opportunities and a thousand fantasies, any number of which could come true within the next five minutes.  For many men, a sight like that is like being invited into the playground of their dreams and told to run wild.

So, what went through my mind?

“Oh, so that’s how it all fits together!”

There was no explosion of sexual urges, no endless stream of desires.  I didn’t really even feel compelled to touch it.  Instead, I was busy looking over the terrain like it was a road map, full of places I’d only heard of in passing.  I wanted to identify all of the bits and pieces that I knew were supposed to be down there and see how they were all oriented relative to one another.

Needless to say, I now look at this event as one of the big red flags that should’ve clued me in that I was asexual years ago.

You focus on the motions, not emotions.

When dealing with sex and physical closeness, you put an emphasis on trying to make the right moves, like touching the right place in the right way, instead of focusing on the emotional aspects.  In some cases, the pressure you feel to push all the right buttons may make the experience highly unpleasant.

“If I try it, maybe I’ll like it.”

So, you haven’t had sex.  You’re not terribly enthusiastic about it, either.  It’s not that you’re against it, it’s just not all that interesting to you.  But everyone else seems to like it, so maybe you will too, if you just gave it a chance.  Maybe you just need to try it out and you’ll see what the fuss is about.

I call this the “Green Eggs and Ham” hypothesis:

You do not like them, so you say.  Try them!  Try them, and you may.  Try them and you may, I say.

The idea that maybe you’ll become interested in sex if you try it out is a compelling one.  The thinking goes, how can you really know if you’re not interested if you don’t give it a shot?  Well, the answer is that you really can know.  After all, you don’t actually have to hug a saguaro cactus to know that would be unpleasant.  So, if you’re certain that sex is not for you, then don’t feel pressured to prove that you don’t like it by going a few rounds.

On the other hand, if you feel this way, you’re open to the experience, and the right situation comes along, then go for it.  Maybe you’ll like it, maybe you won’t, it doesn’t really matter, either way.  I felt this about myself, and I did try having sex.  Of course, what it lead to was…

You had sex and thought “Is that it?”

That’s it? That’s all there is?

Weren’t there supposed to be fireworks and standing ovations?  Wasn’t my life supposed to be changed forever?  Wasn’t it supposed to be the single greatest experience of my entire life?

What was supposed to be so great about that?  Why do some people devote their entire lives to pursuing that?  How could that possibly be responsible for ruining the careers of so many politicians?  How could so many people consider that to be the very meaning of life?

I don’t know, I guess it was kinda fun, a little bit, sorta.  Bit boring, though, too.

I mean, seriously?  Is that really it?  What’d I miss?

Meh, whatever.

You don’t like masturbating.

Maybe you’ve tried it before, but it didn’t work out and you didn’t get anywhere.  Maybe you never saw the point.  Maybe you do it, but you look at it like any other bodily function, like a sneeze or a shiver.  Maybe you think it’s gross or disgusting or repulsive.  Maybe you do it and wish you could stop.  In any case, you don’t look at it as something pleasurable and fun.  And it’s not out of a sense of guilt or shame or anything like that.  You just genuinely don’t enjoy it.

You masturbate, what would you need anyone else for?

You might look at other people and how they talk about sex and about what person X did for them last night, and think, “Huh, I can do that by myself.  I don’t need any help.”  You’re perfectly fine taking care of yourself and really don’t mind reservations for sexual pleasure as a party of one.  When other people talk about masturbation as if it were some sort of consolation prize for a distant runner up, you’re a bit confused, because it certainly doesn’t seem like a terrible thing to you.

When you think about having sex with someone else, you may think that a second person would just get in the way and complicate things.  Maybe you’ve even had sex and didn’t think that it was really any better than what you’re capable of by yourself.

You think arousal is annoying.

Instead of looking at arousal as a sign from down below that you need to get all sexed up as soon as possible, you just find it annoying.  It’s distracting.  It’s random.  And, for some people, it literally gets in the way.  If you could shut it down, you would.  It’s never directed at anyone, you don’t really want to do anything with it, it’s just kinda there.

————

Tomorrow’s conclusion is all about other people and things.  Hope to see you there.

Links to the posts in this series:

60 thoughts on “Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 2: About Sex

  1. Pingback: Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You | Asexuality Archive

  2. As I was reading this post, I realized that I experience a sort of corollary to “You don’t really fantasize”:

    You fantasize, but none of those fantasies are about sex.

    It’s like…even my fantasies are content to stop at cuddling. And most of them don’t even get that far.

    • You. You described me. Like how do you even know this? ALMOST EVERYTHING RELATED TO ME. I am a 19 y. o. virgin and I get teased and stuff but I just don’t get what the big deal is about. I tried telling my parents and friends that I am asexual but NO ONE LISTENS. It’s so confusing. They tell me there is nothing like that and I haven’t met the right man and that I am a confused teen. There is nothing like asexual. IT’S SO HARD TO EXPLAIN THAT I DON’T WANT SEX. I MIGHT NEVER WILL. Thank You for reminding me that I am not some freak and that there are others like me. Thanks. You’re a life saver. Love you for existing and posting this.

      • I’m the same age, and a virgin too. I feel this on every single level. It’s amazing that there is still people out there like us.. I don’t feel as bad.

  3. Thanks again for another great post! I’m starting to wonder if someone can be semi-asexual (sort of like Kinsey’s “mostly ___ but incidentally ___” findings.) I’d also like to comment that you’re teaching me about “normative” sexual behavior too. I never knew that fantasizing like you mentioned (the “undressing people” part specifically) works like that. Learning unrelated new things incidentally. :)

    Can’t wait to read Part 3. :)

    • Would “semi-asexual” be something like demisexual or gray-asexual?
      I have to say, though, that I probably shouldn’t be considered a terribly trustworthy or accurate source about “normative sexual behavior”… I don’t really know how “undressing someone with your eyes” is supposed to work, because I’ve never done it.

  4. Pingback: Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 3: About Others | Asexuality Archive

  5. Totally agree on some points here. When I fantasize it’s always about just being with someone, hugging, holding hands, etc… When watching a movie, sex scene comes up and I feel uncomfortable and look away…
    But I’m not entirely sure if I’m asexual yet ’cause I’ve never been kissed before, never been asked on a date, never got a Valentines card and not to mention had sex… And I’m 21 and (if I can say so myself) I’m actually pretty … so I’ve always been asking myself: ” is there something wrong with the way I look? Am I really that unattractive? Is my behavior that strange?” But there’s also the fact that I don’t see others as “hot” and “sexy”. When my friend sees a guy that she could “have sex any place, any time with him” I’m always “yeah, he’s attractive, so what?” Than, when my other friend told me she’s bi I’ve started wondering, maybe that’s the problem, maybe I’m lesbian? but than I came to the conclusion that with girls it’s the same as with guys “pretty, but thats it.”
    I’ve tried masturbating once, and it was like “ugh, it’s so tight, so strange… and people LIKE that?” Also I couldn’t fantasize during it. Just couldn’t come up with any image… But than again when reading a book with sex described I get lightly warm down there, it’s never hot or whatever…
    But as you’ve wrote, maybe I’m wondering because I’ve never had sex? or ANY kind of relationship before? I don’t know…
    I find this site helpful, a lot :) Thank you :)

    • Me too. I’m 22 and I’ve never been asked out or kissed. I read about it and I feel SOMETHING but not OMG I need someone to do that to me. And I only get as far as “cute” when it comes to guys, never “hot” or “sexy” or definitely boyfriend material. I am curious about it all, but not that bothered whether it happens or not.

    • I’ve read this.. And I cane to this website, well after not looking very hard, because I’m not sure that I am, I feel… Or should say felt sexual desire and enjoyed sex for a little while, but that’s it, enjoyed, it was never much more than that.. And I find that I do enjoy porn, or god forbid the term, masturbation, but they are equal to or greater than, sex. I still think people are attractive and I’m fairly openly bi, I just, like you said, I’d rather go for a walk, watch TV, whatever. I wanted sex as much as my girlfriend, but we did it and I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was meh, cause shed blame herself. I’m the guy right? In supposed to be the one, addicted to, craving, and loving sex? I just don’t though, and I don’t know how to tell her because she’s sexually frustrated, and I’m just never into doing it! Its more for her lately than me..

      • I have to add more, as I continued rreadin you said sex feels, ‘off’ and that’s me, like I’m interested in trying new things, but I’m just not sure, like her reactions, it makes her breath and knees weak, while again me, its, just sex.. Its… Missing… Something… As I said its all for her basically… I enjoy some sexual things just not sex…

  6. This completely describes me. I’ve never had sex, but if I think about it, it would just be going through the motions, anxiety, and discomfort. Also, I like the Green Eggs and Ham analogy.

  7. Thank you so much for all of these posts, I read them every day.
    I’m a high school student, ace (No wonder) and for the longest time I sat there, listening to other people talk about their “needs” and I was thinking “I don’t indulge myself in that stuff…” I just kept wandering around, then I found this place, somewhere where I feel at home in a sense. Unfortunately I am in a bad teenage habit, should I say. I only did it ’cause “Everyone else does it” hopefully This habit will stop, because it’s boring…

    One more thing…
    I love the cake idea.
    Please keep up the good work.

  8. I swear you have just described me perfectly. It’s always hard if you haven’t actually had sex to figure out whether or not you are asexual but I have alway been at the stage where I don’t care, and will happily never do it. A lot of people think it’s just because you haven’t tried it.

  9. I believe I am asexual by choice. As an adult female in my late 30’s, I simply do not participate or seek out sexual opportunities even though I am still hit on quite alot. I have dated many times in the past but cannot conscientiously bring myself to have sex with another person. As bad as what I am about to say may sound – I have to almost be coerced into going there (that is, actually having sex). I tried to have sex once in the past to attempt to find out “what I was missing”, only to stop in the middle of it all. I then convinced myself that I am not missing anything. Personally, I don’t like worrying about pregnancy scares or diseases. I am doing just fine living the asexual lifestyle. When I see an attractive guy, I do get goosebumps. Perhaps, if I found the right person, they could bring out the sexual side of me. Then again, I think I would probably foil the whole opportunity due to my inherent asexual tendencies.

    • Now I can’t say you’re asexual or not. But you can’t choose to be asexual, it’s something you are. :)
      However have you heard about demisexuality?

  10. My friend tried teaching me how to write a more erotic sex scene for fan-fictions and thought it would be best to role-play via a chat. Only, she and I were the characters, so it wasn’t really role playing. I don’t know if this was an asexual response or a normal response, but that completely freaked me out. It wasn’t that I didn’t want even imaginary me to sleep with imaginary her, it was that I couldn’t see any form of me in that situation.

  11. I am almost 65. I was married over 15 years. I have 5 grow children. My marriage ended because I did not like sex. I always wondered what was wrong with me. I found the term asexual and the definition while trying to find a site where men were looking for a platonic relationship. Instead I found ME. I am truly asexual. I have chosen loneliness in place of sex for the past 11 years. I am grateful for this site. There is nothing “wrong” with me. It is just just how God created me. Hopefully one day I will find an understanding companion.

    • I’m a bit like you. I’ve been married for almost 20 years, but don’t like sex. I’ve got three children. I’m sure (well I know) that my husband would like us to have sex more often, but it’s been months now. I feel really bad because it’s supposed to be part of marriage. I don’t want it or miss it. I was 27 and a virgin when we met, and I’d never had a ‘proper’ boyfriend before that – never wanted or needed one or thought about having one. I’d been out with one man a couple of years before that and we kissed, but it didn’t do a thing for me. I tried kissing a couple of other guys, but it also did nothing for me. Never masturbated, never felt the need. I don’t see the point of porn – why would anyone want to watch anyone else ‘doing it’? I always thought there was something wrong with me, but I’ve realised over the years that I’m probably asexual. The problem is how to broach the subject with my husband. I’ve read comments in other places that it’s selfish not to have sex with your spouse and the marriage should break up for it so that the husband can find someone else. My husband loves me so I doubt that would happen, but the thought of having sex just for the sake of it really doesn’t appeal. There’s just no pleasure in it. I don’t know what to do.

      • I can associate with how you’re feeling. I’m married, six kids, but we rarely have sex. It frustrates me when my husband tries to “hit on” me, and I finally caved the other week, after 18 months of no sex. It was awful. I was not turned on at all, and he seriously tried for an hour. I was bored and wanted it to be over. I realised while I was still pregnant with my last (who is now 12 months old) that I could quite happily live the rest of my life sex free. I think for me, I always wanted children and knew that sex was the way that happened (aside from adoption of course) so it has always just been a biological / reproduction thing for me. Now my husband doesn’t want anymore children and wants a vasectomy cause “he can’t keep his hands off me” he says. I don’t want to waste the money cause it’s not going to change anything. I’ve never been a highly sexed person and he should know this by now. It’s gotten to the point where I start to feel physically repulsed by any sexual advances from him, or any comments about my body that he makes to try and put me in the mood. And the more he tries, the more I doubt that I actually love him anymore. Everything is so inconveniently complicated :(

        • I could have written your reply myself (apart from the six children bit!) The way you are feeling is exactly the same for me.

  12. So far this article is wonderful. Especially about thinking of sex as scientific and being like I’m fine by myself I don’t need anyone else involved. I have actually thought some of these things and will point people to this as a reference if I ever come out.

  13. I have liked guys in terms of getting nervous around them and wanting to hug/breifly kiss them. The idea of having sex with them, or any human being for that matter, always grossed me out though so I never had a relationship with these or other guys. Likewise, sexual scenes in media don’t turn me on and it never made sense to me why they were there at all. BUT I do find some anime and cartoon characters sexually attractive, IF I think about them in a sexual dialogue (I don’t usually find them sexually attractive on site unless they were already in a sexual scenario). So I like thinking about these choice characters sexually in fantasies which turn me on, but I do not enjoy anything beyond that and I cannot masterbate to those thoughts. The idea of sex doesn’t disgust me, but the idea of having sex with a real-life human being disgusts me. I feel like I want to have sex, but I can’t because no one is attractive and playing with myself (which is difficult and has no real accompanying fantasies) does not feel right or totally pleasant. It’s kind of frustrating so I keep trying to find a man who I could see myself touching that way, but even handsome movie actors digust me if I think of them in those terms. I don’t think there is anything morally of physically wrong with me, but I am lonely and unhappy because I don’t know what to do with myself. Your posts helped me understand myself better at least since I’ve been suspicious of my orientation for years now. I often just kept thinking I haven’t found the right guy, but I’ve found plenty of handsome guys who share many interests with me; I just can’t prompt myself to sleep with them so I keep friend-zoning them. It’s always been strange to me how many people seem to sleep with anything pretty/handsome/good-enough, and I thought I was just picky for years. Many relationships don’t make sense to me how they even function since the personality differences seem totally off, but they somehow manage because of sexual attraction. Now I think I’m a type of asexual, but I still want a partner and I still want to experience and enjoy sex. I feel this is an impossibility for me though since animated characters aren’t real and human beings just don’t do a thing for me. I want to believe this is a phase or that there will be one guy in this world who I get turned on by, but as the years pass, I’m still on the same lonely boat. I have had a few year(s)-long streaks where I had no pervy animated fantasies and did not get turned on at all, but that’s not always the case and it never deterred me from wanting someone to be my constant best live-in male friend. I wish I could be content instead of frustrated with myself.

    • wow you seriously just described me ! i also can only fantasize about animated characters and that\s it .. even if i happened to fantasize about a real person it’s just about cuddling and gentle touching .. i never in my whole life felt desire and i’m almost 19 .. i do find people hot but i would’t do anything with them .. actually i’m totally grossed out when i try imagining making out with that ‘hot’ person .. i tried masturbating few times before but i didn’t feel anything and as you said i didn’t manage to fantasize .. up until now i forced myself to think about sex because that’s what everyone does .. but when it actually comes to real sex or even watching porn i just can’t ..

  14. Does is also make sense that I imagine or can be somewhat excited by sex if it’s someone else? Like, when writing or reading about fictional characters. I like reading erotica in that sense, but that is really as far as it goes. I don’t get aroused reading it, I like pictures instead of watching porn, I never really imagine it for myself–it’s probably because my imagined idea of what sex seems like it should be is more enjoyable than what real life gives me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner and I enjoy doing something that makes him feel good but I’m clearly not getting what he is out of it…but that doesn’t bother me.

      • That… described me perfectly. I have been confused for a long time, and–while I agree with many of these things about asexuality–there was still something off. While sex to me is just “um, no”, mast-masturb… (*too shy to say/type the word*) is still a relevant part of my life that I cannot deny. I had pushed these thought to the back of my mind for a while now and merely accepted my position as “weird gray area”, but this post really helped me out by defining and linking me to others just like me.

        I’m trying to keep this short, so I suppose I’ll end it with a “thank you”!!

  15. Being an eighth-grader, I’ve never had sex. I’ve only kissed one person in my life, and it was not nearly as fun as I expected. It was pretty nice. It was a bit boring after a while.
    I’ve never found the idea of sex appealing. I received “the talk” in fifth grade from my teacher, as my mother had refused to explain it to me. All of the other students knew what sex was already. I was terrified. It still grosses me out, but not to that extent.
    I’m really glad that in my age group there is not a whole lot of pressure to have sex, so I shouldn’t have to worry about it for a while.

    • Same, I am also an eighth grade asexual and was starting to wonder if there were any others! I mean I’ve always dreamed of kissing a guy but not anything else or dating behind my parents’ backs. I’ll never forget when I first learned of sex and literally would not look at my parents or any adults for at least a month the same way, haha. I was scarred!

  16. I feel like my situation is… weird. Never had sex. I’ve known for a long time that I can get pleasure out of masturbation, particularly if I fantasize about this one specific body-type kink (that has nothing to do with genitalia), and I do occasionally “undress” someone in a sense by imagining them with said kink. But the actual sex is… well, an afterthought, really. I don’t need it, and most times it doesn’t even happen; when it does, I throw it in if I feel like it. But it’s nowhere near a prerequisite, as I’m starting to think this one kink might be.

    I’ve read porn and been aroused by it, but it’s much like an experience that the OP put in part one — the arousal felt strictly physical, and I wasn’t really into it as much as I feel like other people would be. In instances where, say, another person would imagine getting into bed with someone and having sex, I imagine getting into bed with someone and just lying there for hours, kissing and cuddling and being warm and close to one another.

    It’s mostly the one kink that’s tripping me up, though. I just… what.

  17. After many years of struggling with my feelings I wondered if I am asexual. I am interested in sex but only with someone I love. But the pleasure for me became increasingly what I would call romantic and affectionate rather than sexual and passionate. I enjoyed the intellectual pleasure it gave me to see my wife enjoy sex. The confusing part for me is this: before I feel like I get my own sexual enjoyment it has to fill me with intense and transcending thoughts and feelings or the prospect of this. Without that it has no meaning and no sexual joy. It is just an activity and increasingly a difficult one to perform without my own triggers of excitement to sustain interest and ability to carry out. For a while I thought it was some mismatch in libidos between my wife and I as the conventional wisdom suggests. That mine was higher because in wanted to feel such intensity. I wonder now whether my need to feel intensity for it to be a pleasurable activity is actually because I am asexual. Is this a possible expression of asexuality?

  18. I think this blog is very helpful but I am still confused at part 2.
    I tend to doubt myself a lot, I identify with a lot on this site and want to call myself asexual and just be done with it but since I have lived a life of constant cycle of trust issues and over coming them a voice inside me says it might just be that more trust issues.
    “What if I had just decided I, by nature, was not a social being back when I was a teen – back when I hadn’t had friends for over 5 years? I wouldn’t have any of the friends I have now! Then I’d have nothing!” that kind of thinking is what goes on in my mind with this subject.
    Things didn’t seem so bad when I was a kid and had no close friend or family relationships but now that I have had them I don’t think I could live going back to being so lonely, what if sexual/romantic relationships are like that?

    Maybe since I am posting this so late I won’t get any answers… but anyway. I have a lot of anxiety about sex, no excitement like I guess “the average person” but I don’t feel sex to be “meh” either like this blog describes you feeling, like it doesn’t matter. I’ve only had 1 boyfriend and I ended up really messing things up because it had come to the point where he’d have to realize I was avoiding it not just naive. I had confessed I was a virgin (I am 22 btw) and he was cool with it but one time when we were suppose to meet up for a date I just felt this was going it be it – so I purposefully missed my bus and broke things of by never showing up. I was that scared.
    And no it wasn’t because I though it might lead rape or any kind of sexual violence.
    I’m no wuss usually nor a prude I can listen to people describing just about anything and i find BDSM and things like that very interesting.
    Even so I just couldn’t tolerate the thought of any of the process, being naked, being alone, touching none of it!
    We had tongue kissed and I had slit us apart saying “sorry I don’t know how to do it!” supposedly to most people there is no right way and you should just go with the flow and it’s exiting and romantic – but not to me, I couldn’t do it felt humiliating to me.

    AND it was not him! He was a great cute and fun and nice to me – and I feel like the worst person in the world for doing that I was simply feeling utterly stuck, I could in no way see myself having sex with him and I could think of no way of either telling him the truth because I didn’t even know why or even make up a fake reason.

    and even despite this my brain still keeps telling – you have to try it how else will you know – but I can’t. I can’t try it once and my mind won’t let me believe I am asexual without trying it.
    Really I can’t imagine seeing myself ever cuddling of holding to close or lightly making out – that might lead to sex and then I wouldn’t know what to do.

    I really have no clue if I am just dealing with a huge psychological issue having to do with intimacy or trust or whatever or if I’m just asexual in denial….

    • I know you probably won’t read this but I just wanted to reply to this commemt.
      In my experience, I have only had one boyfriend. He is wonderful and lovely and more than I could ever hope for. I am 17 and have know I was ace for about 4 years now. I completely understand when you say that you don’t like certain acts because they might lead to sex. That is how I felt up until recently honestly. But the thing is is that before I met my boyfriend, I was always scared of that confrontation about what would happen if push comes to shove and they actually want sex. Like that thought frightened me. Up until him, I had never so much as kissed someone and the thought scared me because I didn’t know how to proceed afterwards. And even before me and my boyfriend started dating he knew I was ace and accepted it. The act of sex to me was purely scientific. It was interesting how the body reacts and why it reacts. The combination of psychology biology, and anatomy was just what it was to me. It wasn’t anything I saw as necessary even though it was natural. Now I’m more fine with the acts that lead up to sex like cuddling and kissing because I know he respects my boundaries and I’m not nervous about him having an ulterior motive for doing those acts.
      The way is was explained to me was that there are three main types of asexuals: sex positive, sex neutral, and sex repulsed asexuals. I fall under the sex neutral category because while I know it is natural, I’m not a big fan of it. Sex positive asexuals are more aces who enjoy sex and all of that stuff but just don’t feel a sexual attraction. Then there is sex repulsed asexuals where they dislike the idea of sex in general and everything that comes with sex.

      If you identify as asexual, to me it sounds like you will fall into the last category. But in reality, there is no cut and dry asexual. There are asexuals who feel a sexual attraction under certain conditions (gray-aces and demisexuals). There are also aces who don’t want to ever be touched if they could help it. Ultimately it’s going to be your decision on what you identify as. Don’t force yourself to have sex with someone just because “that’s what you are supposed to do. No! What you are supposed to do is whatever makes you most comfortable. You know yourself better than anyone else.

  19. “You think arousal is annoying.”

    “Instead of looking at arousal as a sign from down below that you need to get all sexed up as soon as possible, you just find it annoying. It’s distracting. It’s random. And, for some people, it literally gets in the way. If you could shut it down, you would. It’s never directed at anyone, you don’t really want to do anything with it, it’s just kinda there.”

    Out of the articles I have read so far this is the only thing I find true. And Boy it is SOOOOOOOOOO true.

  20. I just had to write something on here. Sorry if the terms I am using is too graphic/sexual. I have nowhere to go and explain this but I want to know if I can be understood here.
    I had a boyfriend and we were fooling around on bed. I kept insisting that he can’t get my clothes off so we were making out clothes on (him….his clothes were peeling off one by one later I realized). At some point, he was dry-humping and all I could think about was, “so…this is it?” Even when he was touching me, although I moaned and my body reacted because <> but I kept going over my to-do list in my head or watch how he “moves” in some kind of anthropological view. (I just realized maybe that’s why I always have my eyes open when I kiss) I just couldn’t agree with him at all when he said, “you say you don’t but you seem to enjoy it” “you are so wet” etc etc. I told him so too, but I think he didn’t really grasp what I meant. And to me, I don’t know why he doesn’t get it because it isn’t that hard to understand- you touch my nerves, I react. Basic biology.
    After reading this, I feel like I maybe somewhere between ace and demi on the spectrum.

  21. Yes, I do believe some of these ring true for me, but I’m not ready to play the Ace just yet, I don’t think.

    “You’d rather do X than do sex” Yes, definitely. Long is my list of things I’d rather do than have sex with another human being.

    “Your sex dreams don’t really have sex” While I have read that sex dreams aren’t necessarily about the sex or who you’re doing it with or even why, the truth of the matter is, I don’t have dreams about sex. Or if I do, I don’t remember them.

    “If I try it, maybe I’ll like it” And here’s one reason why I’m not ready to break out the Ace card just yet. I’ve never had sex. At my age, some people still give me the odd look when I tell them I’m not married nor do I have children, but most of the time it’s because, in their words, I don’t look like I’m almost 30. Either way, without experience, how do I know for sure I don’t like sex at all? Some people just know, but others, such as myself, need to try it to find out.

    “You masturbate, what do you need anyone else for?” Bingo. Just bingo.

    Maybe I have sex some day in the indeterminable future and decide that not only do I like sex, but there are people or is one person with whom it just makes sense to me. That’s why I don’t say I’m asexual. Maybe demisexual is the term I’m looking for.

  22. I spent a few years trying to figure out where I stood, sexually speaking. I figured that I was bi, and just didn’t feel attracted to anyone because I had been depressed. I felt like having sex was something I should do, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it sober and any experiences I have had drunk never lead to full sex, a) because my first partner couldn’t get it up, and b) because even when I found someone who could, I got bored, annoyed and the sight of his genetalia repulsed me somewhat.
    I masturbate regularly, mostly because it feels alright and it helps work off some energy before sleeping. Any fantasies I have whilst doing so are so wildly unrealistic that reality has no place in it. It’s the only way it even remotely works, because if I try to think about an actual person, I get so bogged down in the details of how it would all probably work that it kills any feeling whatsoever. I can feel somewhat aroused by reading erotica, but it’s less about the sex than it is the sense of love and attraction between two characters. How they resonate with each other and make each other feel. It’s never something I associate with my own body, and while I can appreciate that a person is attractive, I am not aroused by them or can ever really notice when they seem interested.

    • I do not even think about people while doing so. I think of odd completely unrelated to sex or himans things that are really odd. Also I concentrate on the motions of sex because I never enjoy it. Im in a commited relationship for years, Im 40 now and have never liked sex at all, it feels physically good but emotionally I do it only for the other person and up to me Id never again. Masturbating is all I really need on my own. I never look at anyone as hot or sexy, I look at others as nice looking, not as nice looking, thin, fat, and hey Id like to look like him or her! I wear make up and things, care deeply how I look but not because it is attractive, just younger looking. I will always be stuck having sex for my partner only and so he never cheats on me I suppose, because I think hes normal. I hate being naked and never want to be. It makes me sad.

  23. I have had fatasies about sex before. But I alwyas was the 3rd Person not actively engaging in it..Is that a sign of asexality?
    Thank you for helping me :)

  24. i still want to try check myself if im still asexual because after i found about asexuality i just realized people think about sex all time, and i give a try (force myself.. actually) about it. its… annoying and uncomfortable.
    “You’d much rather do X than do sex.” I usually dont care about sex… this is true.

    “Your sex dreams don’t really have sex.” I remember when i had dream about Sex, or including reproduction, it was a nightmare. But it only once or 2 in my life

    “You think that “sexy” clothes just look uncomfortable or cold and can’t understand why anyone would wear them.” Im a girl, but its comfortable for me to see a guy wearing such clothes. its.. annoying

    “You don’t really fantasize.” before i found out… but now.. i imagine that all day. but i cannot imagine myself inside the sex scene, its annoying. it usualy other person

    “Everyone else seems like they undress people with their eyes. ” I try, like after i found out asexuality. and its distrubing. i want to stop it. i think im curious to try something most sexual people do
    Everyone else seems like they would “hit that” = i never tought to hit that or whatever.

    “You don’t like sex.
    At the age when most people were hearing about sex and thinking “I’d like to try that”, they were thinking “You want me to do what with WHAT? No. Just. No.” ok this is. is disgust me. My libido say that all time when my body wont do it(well after i discovered and most people think that and that thing dont even cross my mind)

  25. oh yeah… Arousal is so annoying. Its there. but not directly to anyone else. I dont want to sexed up, because im not interested. i want to get over it now and never want to feel it again, ever.

  26. as I’m reading ” You like sex, but it doesn’t feel “right”.” It makes so much sense .. a couple months ago I had sex with my at the time partner, someone I loved and truly cherish. This was our first time and physically it felt fine , but there was no emotions. and that hasn’t been the first time that sex has no emotion with people I have feelings for. I expected a sense of love, of attachment, bonding, excitement but there’s nothing, no emotions whatsoever ..

  27. I need a little more understanding me an my boyfriend are trying to understand if he is Asexual .. Alot of what you had posted sounds like him am he agrees bit he doesn’t understand is why he likes to have role playing sex .. So the question is if he doesn’t think about sex an isn’t in to porn because it puts him to sleep why does he like role playing it if he is Asexual? Should he maybe talk with his doctor about a different form of sexuality .. Or is it because he is more comfortable with sex with an online pareter he is getting frustrated.. An I’m just worried I’m hurting him .. I am not Asexual .. An I get upset because he never wants me.. Or thinks about have sex we are just trying to see if he is Asexual or if we need to look in to a different area

  28. I actually do have lustful fantasies, but they’re never about me and someone else. It’s usually my mind thinking about fictional characters. Like the other night I had a sexual dream about two men who I’ve never met.
    I guess what I’m trying to ask is, can an asexual have a dirty mind? Like I don’t want to do anything dirty, but I find innuendos amusing at a humorous level. It really wasn’t my choice to be this well informed about sex.
    Also, as a young person, I’m not sure I’m ace because a) the statement above, and b) the fact that at my age it seems like a lot of my peers aren’t really starting to get into sex. We’re in a grade where it’s a weird place; some people watch porn and others remain…naive, I suppose.
    I need help about this. Sorry.
    Thanks for the help though.

  29. the 2nd to last paragraph on the part one article aswell to the fantazing and the thought of the whole bi, stright or not experience really hit a home run

  30. I’m a guy, married over 20 years and in my 50’s with kids. I’ve never ever felt an emotional connection through sex. My wife has always wanted it more than me. When we were younger it was very hard for me to do it weekly but she wanted it a lot more than that, so I tried. Now that I’m in my 50’s I’m finally tired of being forced into it. The longest we went was 5 months and I finally caved because it was a holiday and she was upset. I’m trying to compromise and give in on holidays and birthdays but it’s hard. For my birthday I want a hotel room, but I want it fo the quiet, calm holiday away from the kids and this does not include sex. It’s my birthday not hers.

    Bedtime is for sleep. When I’m ready to go to bed it’s because I need sleep. I wish that once you reach a certain age you could just put up a sign that says “store closed.” I just want to be able to got to bed and not be stressed about sex. The idea of sex is repulsive and as we get older it’s getting more and more repulsive. I don’t want to be on top of her pounding and I don’t want her on top of me.

    Also seeing a woman all out of control because of an orgasm is not an attractive thing. I honestly feel embarrassed for them. The feeling of being out of control is something I do not like.

    Then we get to the subject of movies. About the only movies I can take anymore are kids movies. All the PG and R movies are so filled with sex it’s terrible. All these decent storylines ruined by the sex scenes that do nothing for the story but are added because sex sells. I tried walking out but my wife gets mad, so I simply don’t go anymore unless we are taking the younger kids to a kids movie.

  31. I am a woman who slept with various partners of various races and from various countries. I had always been experimental and curious with an exotic taste. I had always been very sexually active and easily aroused by even the slightest of sexual attention. Now I am in my mid to late 20s, I no longer feel any l curiosity towards any men. I do find them attractive, and drool over men that I find hot. But I have absolutely no desire to sleep with any of them. This does not mean that I don’t get sexually aroused. I just find the whole process to be either very boring or sort of like riding an uncalled for roller coaster. After having reached the “peak”, I can feel my hormones going wild and running towards ruining my mood. I hate the feeling of having someone inside me and feeling like my down there became expanded. I also get bored with sleeping with the same person for a long time. It becomes a routine and somehow an obligation. This does not mean that I don’t get aroused. I do get aroused but the sexual arousal has become more of an annoyance than a fun sensation.

  32. Damn, the more I read about it, the more “yeap, I’m definitely ace” keeps repeating in my head. You know, I broke up with my boyfriend because I thought I didn’t love him. Because I had sex because I was supposed to, because it’s was people do when they’re in love, right? Because if I let him go without, I thought I was being a bad girlfriend. He never demanded it, I demanded it of myself. Because it wasn’t as awesome as everyone said. Because I could feel just as good doing it by myself (even better since I didn’t have the added pressure of “is it good for him? am I taking too long?”). Because it felt like an obligation. The more people told me how sex was important in a relationship and how people who love each other have sex all the time, the more I convinced myself it wasn’t really love then. It couldn’t be, right? Then why did breaking up feel like heartbreak? Why was I sad? Why did I suffer? It was only a year later that I found out about asexuality, and it was like light shining down and “oh, so maybe I’m not broken after all”

  33. “You’ve had sex because that’s what you were ‘supposed to do’.”
    Okay, so actually, I’m a virgin. But I think this particular sign could extend to so many other things that seem so commonplace in the lives of non-ace people.
    When I told my best friend I thought I was asexual, her first response was, “but you’ve had crushes, though.”
    It was only then that I realized that I hadn’t felt any adolescent attraction to the boys I’d told my friends I’d ‘liked’. I’d liked the thrill of being noticed, and the drama of wondering if they liked me, but if it ever came to the point where anything could have gone anywhere, I backed out.
    I realized that, like having an imaginary friend, or believing in Santa Claus, I had made up crushes for myself based on what I thought I should be doing. I assumed that there was something I was missing that would make it all worthwhile, but in the meantime why not engage in some witty banter with a smart guy? (That was my definition of flirting)
    It’s still strange to have to explain to that best friend the concept of being heteroromantic ace, or an ‘Ace of Hearts’, as some of my favorite Tumblr’s call it: the concept that I can feel like being around a person, but that doesn’t mean that my identity of being ace was a phase.
    To be honest, it’s strange to have to remind myself of that, too.

  34. I find some people(mostly boys sometimes girls) attractive and I sometimes daydream about doing sexual things with them. However, I would never act upon them because because I don’t have the sex drive to do so. I can never imagine myself having sex with someone in real life. I’m a bit curious towards sex. I don’t know why people have the urge to stick something in muscles…it’s weird. I’ve kissed and held hands with someone before and it felt weird and uncomfortable. I don’t see why people doing those things. I would rather watch a movie under blankets with my SO. However, I wonder is it because I wasn’t really attracted to my past boyfriends. I didn’t like any of my past boyfriends, I just liked the attention they gave me. I never wanted to kiss them or have sex with them. I did used to have a crush on someone and they did make my heart skip a beat whenever I saw them. They were attractive to me physically and personality wise. I loved having physical contact with him but I never did feel sexually attracted to him. That’s the only time when I actually felt in love. I wonder do I have to wait until I actually like someone or am I really asexual?

  35. I’ve never been in a relationship, nor have I kissed anyone, nor had sex. As a younger male, I get strange looks when I tell people this (kinda sad that I do). Granted, at age 21, life has many chances yet to throw a curveball at me. I’m fairly lost as to what I am or am not. I’m certain I’m not gay or bi, as I have absolutely no attraction to males. But having had no success with any attempts at a relationship, mostly due to my crippling fear of rejection, I’ve begun feeling significantly less attracted to, well, ANYONE. It’s evolved to the point where many of my female friends that I once thought were attractive have actually asked if I thought they were as such. When confronted, I couldn’t lie. I said, “I guess.” Because I didn’t know anymore. I still get the basic biological urges for sex but after having suppressed them for so long, they now often go by without me noticing them much. Occasionally, I get one really strong urge, but I’m quite adept at ignoring it. I don’t masturbate, mainly because I find it… weird. I’d like to think I’m adapting to my environment and becoming asexual. But at the same time, I suspect I’m a pitiful quitter who’s looking for an excuse.

    By the way, if it wasn’t apparent, I’ve got no sense of self esteem either.

  36. I am 48 atm. Been trough all that -teenage drama- and – why am I so different- at , lets call it “propper age”…went trough life, got married, even had a child…(and we all know these are not brought by storks..) yet, I was always puzzled by the fact how much time and efforts, how many thoughts -normal- people putting into sexuality, no matter of what kind. I used to think how people are dirty and primitive, because wherever you go, under every stone is that hidden sexual content and it bothered me for so long and I couldn’t get it… until now. It is not them, they, apparently are -normal-. Its me who is different and -not normal-. I mean, I love flowers, they are pretty, so are lovely animals and love them dearly and I am perfectly able to observe and enjoy beauty of nature whenever I see it… damn right, people can be part of it too. I can see and recognise beautiful men and women for their -beauty-, sure, but they are same pretty to me as butterfly or flower or mountain…or any piece of art. The thing with me is that even I can see the beauty, doesn’t mean that I LIKE it per se. I am not attracted to it, I don’t want to touch it. I don’t feel lust toward it. And that’s whats core of asexuality is , I think… we are able to feel love, we are able to -make love- even… just we don’t feel lust or wish to -have plain sex- …for the love of the SEX itself. Brrrr…and most of the -other people- are. Kudos to them…happy commoners.

    • You ARE normal! I know exactly what you mean about the time and effort put into sexuality by people. Newspapers and magazines seem to be obsessed with telling you how often you should ‘do it’, and if you’re not doing it often enough there’s probably something wrong with your relationship. I’ve never understood either. Even though I’m married and have three children, I never ‘got’ what the obsession with sex was, and always thought ‘so what’ about it, and found it a bit repulsive if I’m honest. I still haven’t got round to telling my husband that I’m asexual. I’m not sure how to broach the subject (and don’t know if he’d even understand what I’m talking about).

      • For the record, we are not some -friggid b1tches-, be that males or females… hell yeah, I soooo enyoy hug and kiss and closeness… just not MUST be followed by – sticking it inthere, ah oh- crap. Boring, impes
        onal and – go do it elsewhere, fine by me.

  37. I am a 43 year old woman, never married and no kids, and if by “virgin” we mean no sexual acts with another person, then I’m that too. I do enjoy masturbating with toys but its more a fun, feel-good activity for me than about fantasizing anout hot people or relieving “horniness”. I never get aroused, i can admire and recognize sexiness and beauty in people but that’s where it stops. I never even knew there was a word for what i am until last year, and i was so happy to find a word that fit me and others like me, even if we are rare birds! I also made up crushes in the past so people wouldn’t think I was weird, but I never got what the big deal was with sex. I was raise with the belief that “soneday you’ll meet the one” but I’m in my 40s and it hasn’t happened, so.. asexual. I don’t really twll people I’m asexual because then I’d get questions and have to explain. I get enough pitying/confused looks when meeting new people and telling them I’m not married, dating, and I don’t have kids, there’s not much else to talk about with them. And inevitably someone wants to set me up on a blind date with their cousin, brother, friend, etc… sigh. I am going by aromantic asexual right now, although I think there’s a small chance I might be heteroromantic- haven’t yet felt that way about anyone but I can’t rule out the possibility because I tend to admire attractive males and not females. I identify with almost everything on this list, thank you!

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