Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You

A lack of experiencing sexual attraction is the only thing that all asexuals have in common.  That’s what the definition of asexuality is. But that definition doesn’t help people who are trying to figure out if they’re asexual.  It’s a definition through negation, which isn’t useful if you’re not sure what’s being negated. It’s like saying “You’re unxonoxian if you’ve never seen a xonox.”  How are you supposed to know if you’ve never seen a xonox, when you have absolutely no idea what a xonox is?  Maybe you’ve seen one, but just didn’t know that’s what it was called.  So you ask someone how to know if you’ve seen a xonox, and the best answer they can give is “Well, if you’ve seen a xonox, you’d know.”

Because of this, figuring out if you’re really asexual can be a challenge.  How do you know if you’ve never felt sexual attraction when you’re not sure what sexual attraction even is, and no one can satisfactorily explain it to you?  What I’ve found is that most asexuals don’t come to the realization that they’re ace from reading that definition. Instead, they read what someone else wrote on a blog or in forum posts, or they see a news article or YouTube video on asexuality and think, “That person just described me.”

Even though a lack of sexual attraction is the only thing all asexuals have in common, there are clusters of shared experiences, similar things that some asexuals have felt.  It’s these shared experiences which often make people come to realize that they’re asexual. In this series of posts, I’m going to explore some of them.

(Please note:  These aren’t universal ace traits, so don’t worry if you don’t fit into them all.  I haven’t even experienced all of these myself. This shouldn’t be looked at like a checklist or “Am I Asexual?” test or anything like that.  You can still be asexual even if you’ve experienced none of the things on this list and you may not be asexual even if you’ve experienced most of them.  There’s no diagnostic test to confirm if you’re asexual, there’s no twenty-seven point checklist, and you don’t have to pass an initiation or be referred by someone who’s already in the club.  The only person who can truly diagnose your sexual orientation is you. 

Also, I want to note that these thoughts or experiences should not be taken as some sort of manifesto of the unquestioned and unified belief system of all asexuals.  They’re not necessarily the right experiences or the wrong experiences, and certainly, some of them may be misguided or born out of ignorance.  I am writing about them here because some asexuals have passed through these thoughts on their way to discovering their identity, and I felt it was important to mention them for those people still making the journey and who may currently be thinking the same thoughts.)

In this first installment, I’m going to talk mostly about personal thoughts, thoughts about yourself and your identity.

Links to the posts in this series:

You don’t think about sex.

When thinking about activities you’d like to do with a romantic interest, sex rarely makes the list.  You might not catch the punchline to a dirty joke, because you’re not operating in that frame of reference.  When other people start talking about sex, you have to take a second to remember that other people think about that sort of thing.  When you hear that old statistic that people think about sex every seven seconds, you only think about how wrong that statistic is.

You realize that everyone else thinks about sex in a completely different manner than you do.

This is the one that finally tipped me over the edge.  One day, I was talking with a friend about some sex scene on a TV show I’d seen the day before.  I was trying to figure out the positioning and mechanics of what was supposedly going on because it didn’t make sense to me.  As the conversation went on, it became apparent that I was focused on the wrong thing, that it wasn’t meant to be about the impossible and/or uncomfortable contortions required to make the scene believable, it was meant to be about the sex.

This, in itself, wasn’t weird.  I’ll often find things odd about scenes in movies or TV shows and try to sort out the problems afterward.  What was weird is that at no point in the conversation did I ever think anything like “Oh hey, sex!  Yay!”  I realized that I never really did think that way.  Ever.

So I started rewinding my life, going over various sexual situations from my past.  What struck me was how, in almost every single one of them, there was something that made me feel different.  One or two things over the years might have just been a fluke.  A handful of things bunched together during one summer might have just been a phase.  But here, in event after encounter after situation, consistently, for close to 20 years since the start of puberty, there was something different.

I don’t find people “hot”.

My girlfriend had to be very persistent to convince me to have sex with her.

I find most porn to be boring or unappealing.

I’d zone out of most conversations on sex.

I never had “urges”.

I never saw the point of a bachelor party.

And on and on the list went.  It became absolutely clear to me that my views on sex were completely different from anyone else I’d ever talked to.  It wasn’t some isolated thing.  There was something fundamentally different about me.

It was because of that realization that I went out to try to discover exactly what it was that was going on with me, which is how I discovered asexuality.

You think of sex in anthropological or scientific terms, rather than romantic or erotic terms.

You might be interested in sex, but interested in the same way one is interested in geology or zoology.  You see it as an object of study, rather than an object of participation.  You might want to know everything about it and read everything you can about sexual activities, practices, variants, and combinations, yet at the same time, you’re not really interested in actually doing any of them.  You’d rather watch a Discovery Channel documentary on sex than a porn movie.  You’d rather read the Kinsey Report than Penthouse.

Sometimes, because of this, you may forget that others don’t typically look at sex as an intellectual curiosity, and you may talk about things in a context where other people are shocked or embarrassed by your openness.

You don’t understand what the big deal is.  You haven’t had sex for [insert significant amount of time here], so why are other people so worked up about going without for two weeks?

In general (although not universally speaking), asexual people don’t have a problem going without sex for long periods of time.  If you told an asexual person that they couldn’t have sex for ten years, their response will often be something along the lines of “Okay, whatever.”  If you told a non-asexual person that, their response will often be something along the lines of “That’s impossible!  I’d explode!”  (And again, not universally speaking.)

I’ve felt this way before.  I’ve seen people moan about how terrible it is that they haven’t had sex in two months.  There was a big story about a DJ who went without sex for a whole year as a publicity stunt, and everyone was shocked.  I’ve seen men make it sound like their genitals will literally explode under pressure if not emptied in, on, or by someone else within a timely manner.  But I haven’t had sex in years and I don’t miss it at all.  The concept that someone could be so affected by a lack of sex is totally alien to me.

So…

Sex is totally alien to you.

There’s this thing that everyone else does.  It’s on TV, it’s in movies, there are magazines devoted to it, songs about it, books about it.  It’s everywhere, all the time.  Some people are obsessed by it.  They can spend their whole lives chasing it, and sometimes it ruins them.

And you just don’t get it at all.

It’s not that you’re naive, it’s not that you’re sheltered, it’s not that you’re uninformed.  It’s just that it’s impossible to fathom why this thing is so important to pretty much everyone else in the world.

And whenever people talk about sex, they might as well be speaking in a foreign language or talking about the intracacies and nuances of macroeconomic theories or 17th century French literature for all you care.

It’s a bit like everyone else is a fan of a sport you’re not interested in.  You can watch a game, you can read the rules, you might even try playing once or twice, but in the end, it still doesn’t make any sense why people are so excited about getting to third base or scoring a touchdown.

You’ve thought, “I’m straight (/gay/bi/etc), but not very good at it”.

I felt this way for years before I discovered asexuality.  I’d had a girlfriend, and the occasional persons of vague interest had all been women, so clearly that means I’m straight, right?  But at the same time, I never really thought about sex.  I never went looking for it, I never felt like I needed it.  Whenever I thought about these women, I thought about things like going on vacation or scouring the local thrift stores for retro video games with them, but I never really thought about taking them to bed.  One day, I decided that meant that I was straight, but I just wasn’t very good at it.

Later, when I discovered asexuality, I mentioned this on an asexuality forum.  I was surprised by the number of other people who said that they had felt the same way.  Some of them had even used the same phrase to describe themselves.

You’ve thought, “I must be straight by default”.

I’ve seen a couple of people say that they felt this way before they discovered asexuality.  The assumption is that someone has to be straight, gay, or bi, no exceptions, no alternatives.  Everyone has to get placed in one of those buckets, there are no other options.  Clearly, since they didn’t experience attraction to the same sex, they couldn’t be gay or bi, therefore they had to be straight by default, since that was the only bucket left.

I think this makes a good thought exercise for people who don’t believe in asexuality.  If those three groups are the only options, where do you put someone who knows they’re not gay, because they’re clearly not attracted to the same sex, but at the same time, there’s not any evidence that they’re straight, either?  The only reason you’d put someone in the “straight” bucket is because “that’s what most people are”, which is a ridiculous reason to assign an identity to someone.

It’s a bit like saying there are people who like chicken, people who like steak, and people who like both.  You come across a vegetarian and you try to fit them into your limited worldview.  “Do you like chicken?”  “No.”  “Well, therefore you like steak by default.”  “No, I’m-” “You have to like steak, because most people like steak, and you said you don’t like chicken.”  “But-“  “YOU LIKE STEAK.  END OF DISCUSSION.”  There’s clearly a “none of the above” option here which needs to be recognized.  Some people don’t like steak or chicken, and some people don’t like men or women.

———–

Tomorrow’s post will focus mostly on sex and sexual activity (So you might want to skip tomorrow, if that’s not your deal), while the third day will be about things outside of yourself, like other people.

Links to the posts in this series:

86 thoughts on “Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You

  1. Oh that last one is so true. But for me it was never really a conscious thing. Sex/relationships/etc were never important to me, and I honestly rarely thought about the whole shabang at all. I just assumed I was straight because I obviously wasn’t gay/bi and I never bothered to even wonder if there was another alternative. However, if I had stopped to think about it, I do wonder what the outcome would have been. (As it was I discovered AVEN and found my answer before I had a chance to come up with it myself.)

    Another note… I always hated the word “hot.” I can recognize some people as being “hot” (or not) but that doesn’t mean that I am sexually attracted to them. I can say “He’s hot” and simply mean that I am able to identify the particular brand of attractiveness that is typically attributed to him. Same with “sexy” in its liberal use today.

    So many of these are true for me to some degree or another though. Thank you so much for writing this!

    • weird..for awhile now i couldn’t figure out if i was straight or bi, or gay. i kept trying to figure out why nothing sexual appealed to me the way it did when i was a kid. i think i’ve become asexual…or maybe i always was. maybe when i was a kid it just excited me because i’d never seen anything like it before, like going to disney land for the first time.

      • Ok, the part about being interested because it was a new idea makes so much sense to me, since I always think “I’m uninterested in sex, but I was for the first year or so of being a teen. So does that mean I’m still asexual?” Now that makes sense to me. I always wondered how it made any sense that I was interested at first, but not anymore.

    • The last one is so true for me as well. I grew up in a strict christian household where you were straight and nothing else. I had difficult with this in the last few years as I have come to see my gay attractions more frequently.
      For a good long while, I thought I’m bi and my family will shame me (which isn’t the case at all). Then I heard my friend talking about pansexuality and did my research about and found asexuality. I was relieved to find a better term for me.

  2. As I am trying to understand and find a personal label for my sexuality (insert other appropriate words here) this is definitely coming at a very good time.

    And may I presume you identify as male because much of your post hints at this, specifically the “bachelor party” thing and “straight” talk about you trying to date women? I ask because I am gender neutral so I often don’t get either side of the binary coin, which makes life even more convoluted and difficult (but fun too.)

    • The last sentence should also have said… I ask because I am gender neutral so I don’t “get” either side of the binary coin, but some examples you mentioned are specifically male/man/etc.

      • Yes, I am a cis-male, so all of my personal experiences are coming from that perspective. That frame of reference unfortunately also tends to color many of my non-specific examples, so even though I try not to be cis-centric, it’ll sometimes unintentionally bleed through.

  3. Pingback: Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 2: About Sex | Asexuality Archive

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  5. I love what you wrote, because it completely describes me! Especially the scientific thing. This helped me a lot with understanding.

  6. This defiently describes me. Especially the “straight default.” I knew I didn’t like guys but at the same time I certainly didn’t like girls. So no gay, lesbian, bi or any other combinations. So I stuck myself with “straight.” I DON’T LIKE ANYONE. I just see people. I don’t see “hot” “cute” “beautiful” etc. People look “nice” is my word for it. I only used “hot, pretty, sexy” etc. for describing people by DEFINITION. The world see them as that. Not I.

    I do see sex as an alien. I ignore people when it is spoken. I would only talk about it base on my dislikings of it. And that’s ONLY through someone asking my opinion. Or I crack a joke through my opinion. But most of the times I keep quiet because people have a positive opinion on sex and they feel embarrassed to talk about it when I’m really open about disliking it.

    Also I find porn unappealing too. I was curious on how sex when I was in 6th grade. So I watched porn. I got my answer. Just several weeks ago I was searching some info on women’s sex health and that got me in the mood to watch porn. I watched it but I had no sexual thought. I was just watching blankly. My heart did race but ONLY because I was scared that I was watching porn . I wasn’t turned on. Every time I watched it 30sec-2 mins I stopped the video feeling disappointed. I watched another 10min. Disappointed. Still staring and thinking blankly. I concluded porn is just boring {you’re seeing the see stuff} and I’m not curious anymore. Why should I waste my time trying to see if I “feel ” anything while watching it? I feel nothing. UNAPPEALING. I question more about them doing it than watching the sex. Similar to when you were trying to figure out the mechanics and positioning. I really try to figure out why people like this stuff.

    I REALLY LOVE WHAT YOU WROTE.
    I totally heard my head said “I think and feel this way Too!!! I thought it was just me!” THANK YOU SO MUCH^^ Seriously Thank You^^

    Btw: I am 19, female^^

  7. Hi.I am trying to find out if I am asexual,gay or I just dont like my boyfriend.I ‘looked’for a bf on a dating site when I was 27..I liked the feeling of dating,but Ivw never been very sexual.As a teenager I used to have sexual needs and even masturbate,ocassionaly,porn would turn me on,so I am confused if I could b asexual? I can relate somehow to some of the experiences in the post and I could live without sex,but sometimes I feel a need.So.confused.

    • Hello, thank you, I feel like you are describing me, its world shaking to know that there is some one out there with this confusion. Thank you

    • I consider myself asexual. And I have never been sexually attracted to anyone (or in love, but I think that one will come someday). I don’t masturbate, but I read erotica and stuff that have no real human beings in it. And once in a while I get this need to watch it, and that is what I call my ‘sex drive’. :) Asexuals can have a sex drive, it’s usually very low though – like mine! – they just don’t have it directed at someone, but they can still invite someone to be with (physically). Am I making sense?
      Anyway, I don’t think your questions says you’re against being asexual. The question you have to ask yourself is, have I ever wanted to bang someone? … Yeah… *cough*
      I hope I help somewhat at least. ^ ^”

  8. i am a 24 year old girl married to a 30 year old man seven months ago.
    the problem is that we have never had an intercourse though fore play has happened several times.
    when it comes to intercourse my husband says that he is stressed out, tired, intercourse should happen after understanding each other and so on….
    now i feel that he is asexual but i am not very sure. he masturbates and asks me to masturbate that is give him a blow job and hand job very rarely

    • A refusal to have sex with you doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s asexual. Maybe he’s asexual, maybe he’s actually stressed out, maybe he’s gay, maybe he’s got performance anxiety, maybe he doesn’t want children, maybe he thinks sex is “dirty”. The only way to find out what’s going on is to talk to him about it. (Preferably in a non-confrontational manner, outside of the bedroom.)

      • i have tried talking to him but in vein. he might have performance anxiety or he may be feeling that sex is dirty cos he runs to the bathroom when he feels that the sperms are getting released and he may be stressed out but can stress keep him away from me for 7 months. when i talked to him he says it is all secondary in a marriage. so i tried talking to his mom about this who stays with us, she also supported him saying that i am crazy about it and sex is all secondary. when i asked them what is primary my in laws and husband says it is love care and understanding which comes first. they are demanding for money also its as though my n laws will not allow us to be happy with him till i give money to them

  9. I am unsure what I am, I can’t be gay/bisexual as I don’t like the same sex but I can identify if someone is good looking. I don’t like the subject of sex. I pretend flirt with my fellow girlfriends because that’s just what we do as a group. I always say, I’d tap that as an expression, but I actually mean like I’d like to get to know him he seems cool and I’d like to date a guy but never do anything. I don’t know weither I’m just ignoring the fact because I’m supposively “sweet and inoccent” or weither I am asexual. I am just so confused because I like the thought of kissing but not hugging…, but not even the idea of sex either, it confuses me and its really unnessicary. Help?

    • I’m sorry I can’t help you, but I just want you to know that I can totally relate. I’ll joke around like that with my friends too, but I don’t actually want to engage in any sexual activity with that person. Just wanted to let you know, you’re not the only one.

    • Well, a lot of asexuals can still identify if someone IS attractive they just don’t FIND them attractive. This is usually known as aesthetic appreciation where you think that someone is pretty but aren’t sexually attracted. Also people can be asexual but have a different romantic orientation so someone might be asexual but heteroromantic because they are romantically attracted to them. Some people are however are both asexual and aromatic.

  10. Wtf…
    This article just kind of blew my mind. I’ve always wondered why… I wasn’t like… Chasing girls like my friends. The first time I had sex, I faked an orgasm because I just wanted it to end. It feels weird/awkward for me, I think other men are barbaric most of the time. Not that I have never enjoyed sex, it was pretty ok, like once… Over ten years ago. I’ve experimented with men because I thought I was gay, that felt even weirder. Because at least woman are soft and smell nice… Wtf. This sucks. This is not fun for me at all… There have been woman that I loved… and because j didn pursue sex it ended. There has got to be a hormone treatment or something for this. I like woman, and I find them attractive… But it’s more that I want be near them, than have sex with them. The pleasure I do get out of sex, is just because I feel like I am giving my partner what they want, and making them feel good (for this reason, I typically prefer to just give
    Woman oral) I do sincerely enjoy kissing… Oh fucking damnit. There has got to be a biological reason/cause for this… I don’t want to hear that I’m “just wired that way” I want to be rewired… No woman I have ever been interested in, is ok with not having sex…

    • I just want to say thanks, these exact same thoughts have been churning and burning in my head for years, recently I have started to think maybe some thing was seriously odd in my head or with me, but it is an incredible feeling to know some one else out there is the same.

      Many Thanks

      J

    • I am, honey. ;) I loathe the idea of sex, but i respect other peoples’ need to have it. am a virgin. except for the curious day when i do if ever have sex for the only time, i will remain so until death. I just don’t feel it. PLUS I am afraid, becaue my parts are REALLLLY TINYYYYYY. But I have never been interested in sex. i had urges for like, one year, and then they died.and that’s perfectly alright with me. ;) you’ll find someone sweetheart! keep looking, or take care of yourself for awhile! ;))) I write slash sometimes… but i am uninterested in sex except in the academic sense. textbook asexual, I guess!

  11. Is it possible to be allergic to sexual relationships? I’ve tried a few times and it only lasts a few days because I always get this headache and I feel sick. Like I ate something bad. No skin conditions though. So I don’t know if allergic is the way to describe it. It just makes me feel sick.

    • I had something similar. One time a guy was about to ask me out over facebook and I just started freaking out and steered the conversation away. I just don’t understand the rules for dating! What do you say, how do you act, it’s all so confusing

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  13. This article has cleared up so much for me. For a while I thought I was bi, because I could judge someone’s attractiveness regardless of gender. Then I realized that the thought of having to become sexually intimate with someone grossed me out and scared me, and I worried about stuff like how we would interact afterwards.
    When I started going out with my current boyfriend, I remember mostly wanting our make-out sessions and the like to end. There was always a part of me that was watching the clock, even if I felt some pleasure from the experience. It always seemed like an interruption – we’d be talking about video games and shows and things and then he’d start making moves and I’d just think “great, now I’m gonna forget what I wanted to show him”.
    I also noticed that, whenever I became friends with guys, it was always very platonic. Nothing made me happier than one of my friends called me “practically one of the guys”, because being brozoned meant I didn’t need to worry about them trying to reach a relationship with me that was anything but friendly.

  14. I feel so much better after reading this. For almost a year, I was so confused as to what my sexuality was. I mostly like guys, but I never really thought they were hot or sexually attractive. I don’t have any preferences when it comes to looks. As long as he’s a nice guy, he’s all right with me.

    For a long time I thought I was bisexual. I constantly worried over what other people were saying and tried to fit in with their descriptions and labels. I found people attractive according to their personalities rather than their looks. For instance, I had the hugest crush on a guy who other people said had a unibrow, was too skinny, and had horrible acne. I was shocked when I realized that other people thought he was ugly. To this day, I still consider him one of the nicest people I know.

    After I discovered asexuality, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, although I still had some doubts. I asked a friend if she’d ever heard of it and she vehemently claimed there was no such thing, which upset me, since she had always been a nice, open, easy-going person. But after finding this forum/blog/whatever you want to call it, I feel much better about everything. I can relate to so many of the things you mentioned.

    Thanks :) It feels great to know that you’re not the only one and that there’s always a bright side to a seemingly hopeless situation.

    • In my case, sex was physically pleasurable, and I did experience orgasms. I just felt like I was outside the process somehow and didn’t really connect with it, despite it physically feeling good.
      However, some other aces have said that they do not have orgasms or experience physical please during sex.
      For more, read here: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/an-asexual-on-sex/

      • exactly, it can feel OK but it always felt more like work than pleasure. You watch yourself going through the motions from ‘outside’.
        It annoyed me when my partner kept insisting to know ‘what I would like’ or that I ‘have my orgasm first’. All I really wanted was for it to be over, and orgasms happened very rarely because I was not particularly ‘involved’ in the situation.
        The only real ‘pleasure’ from it was making my partner happy…

  15. Thanks for this article, it really did help understand some of the ideas asexual people have. I don’t really know if I am asexual – I’ve never dated (I’m 16), but it could just be because I haven’t found anyone I want to date. I think I would like to have sex one day, just to see what it’s like, but I could easily go my whole life without sex (I think). I’m quite confused about it. . . anyone have any ideas?

    • I feel similarly. I’ve also never been in a relationship, also because I’ve never found anyone I’d like to date. I definitely have a sex drive, but it’s never been connected to an attraction to a person, and I’ve never felt the need to satisfy myself with another person. I’m pretty sure that I’m asexual, because I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone, and it sounds like you are too, but you need to be able to tell for yourself from the information you can find.

      • THANK YOU!!! You just explained everything:) i’ve never been in a relationship, never really wanted too but I still have urges sometimes but again, not connected to anyone just hormonal stuff. I’m 17 and most of my friends are in relationships and have lost their virginities a LONG time ago and im just like “hey I love my horse”. I do love the idea of hugging and being emotionally close with someone but i’ve been kissed before and hated it just because i felt nothing in my heart and I have no intentions of actually having sex anytime soon.
        Also, i have read 50 shades of Grey and its my #2 favourite book series but only because it actually has an incredible love story in it. Whenever there was a sex scene i got bored and just skipped to after because it was taking up too much of the story:P and when i read stories or books with sex in them i usually get really squeamish and uncomfortable with the idea and think “why do they need to have sex when warm bear hugs seem so much better?”
        So again, THANK YOU for describing me:)

  16. Just like with several of the other comments, I have no interest in sex either. I’ve never been able to flirt (my kindness should NEVER be taken as flirting!) and whenever the subject of sex gets brought up, I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I kept thinking that, hey, I’m 19 years old here…sex shouldn’t be creepin me out anymore!…but it still does. I personally don’t have a problem with masturbation, but I’ve never felt the need to take out my “urges” on someone else.

    I feel that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are completely different. Romantic is who you fall in love with and sexual is who you would have sex with. I identify as a Panromantic Asexual, meaning that I fall in love with people and personalities (not gender), but I’m not sexually attracted to any gender. But yeah, all in all, I don’t need sex to live. I’m perfectly fine with still being a virgin even when I die. I fail to understand society’s crazed and stressed importance over the loss of virginity. Eh, there’s a lot I don’t understand. :)

  17. Hm. After surfing the web I came across a website about females in relationship with asexual man. I became very shocked.
    I have always thought that I did not think about sex because I was a female and females are biochemically different from males hence the lack of sex drive.

    But here I am reading their individual stories about depression, break ups, and divorces due to a lack of sex life. And all I could do is stare in befuddlement and ask why is sex so important?

    And right now all I can chalk up is natural selection: people with sex drive are more likely to reproduce. I am proud of my answer but I feel a bit disturbed as I realize this is not a common answer.

    So I have decided to abstain from my reading of rated m content to see if I begin fantasizing about sex or look at somebody sexually. If I don’t see any alteration in my behavior than I think I may have to conclude that I am asexual.

    Despite the article, I am still very skeptical about the behaviors of the majority described by the author. Honestly I have always thought 80-90% if somebody said “I would hit that” it was a joke. Call me obstinate but I still think it is true.

  18. xD Now that I think about it, I seriously didn’t realize pretty much the only reason I think about sex is to figure out the mechanics of it and how it’s supposed to work. And that’s for writing for my characters if they ever actually got around to that sort of thing. Which, you know, I personally never see myself having that sort of a relationship with anyone, but I still love watching people fall in love and kiss and just be happy together. I don’t really care about the sex part, I just love cute couples.

    It’s a little sad, but I’m beginning to wonder if I’d even like kissing. I mean, I love to watch the characters I’m rooting for finally kiss, but I really don’t know if I’d enjoy it myself. Then again, being a demiromantic asexual, I’ve never gotten close enough to someone to get kissed anyhow. I have two very close, very dear friends. But I don’t feel a romantic pull towards either of them.

    I do wonder if the fact I’ve never dated stems from my mistrust of people (guys specifically) from when I was in high school and constantly bullied (mixed with my social anxiety), or if I really just have never met someone I could see myself getting a long with enough to date them. When it boils down to it, I think it’s a mixture of both, but I’m still not entirely sure.

  19. I have been in a relationship for the past 18yrs he was my first sexual partner, but from the very start I have not been a very sexual person I feel I ave just had sex because I know that’s what he needs, in the past 6-7wks we have been having relationship problems and there has been things that have come out about myself and my interest in sex that is now sort of making sence after reading the article and comments I think that I may be Asexuality I would be happy to go the rest of my life not having sex and it would not bother me when I try to have sex or even pleasure my partner with a hand job I get very nervous and start to shake and even cry because I try to fight the feelings. It seems to have got worse in the last 4-5 weeks since we have been having relationship problems.
    I just wish someone could just tell me what’s wrong because I’m very confused.
    Thanks for listening

    • There’s nothing wrong with you or anyone else on this blog, be it late bloomer, lack of experience, sexual anxiety, traumatization, or you very well are asexual. It sounds to me as though your partner is “pressuring” you and if there are issues in the physical contact department for you or anyone else for that matter it intensifies the problem…I have this image of a girl sobbing with a penis in her hands in my head reading your post, very disturbing to me…as the male it’d make me feel like I was forcing you or some kind of rapist pervert. I wish people were able to connect more and be understanding but in truth mankind is self indulgent and selfish, anger is used to mask our feelings of ackwardness and insecurities when we can’t open up. I’m so sorry but if you love this guy but can’t shake the feeling he’s some kind of “nympho”; if you will, get out as quick as possible, this is a toxic relationship and he’ll surely seek release else where breaking your heart and trust. Whatever happens or what ever you decide Sweet Heart please don’t blame inward, there’s nothing wrong with you. Take care

      • Wow, I wish I would have had someone give me that advice. There is truth in your words, sir. I had a sheltered childhood. I didn’t know I had a choice. I assumed it was expected. It’s not. You do have a choice.
        best wishes,
        Qwuilleran

  20. I can relate to a lot of things that have been said in the three posts. I used to think I just wasn’t interested in it because of my aspergers (an autistic spectrum disorder). I just kept thinking it will come later, I’m just a little slow. I just figured for a long time that maybe the aspergers was the problem. But the more and more I read about asexuality, the more I think I was wrong. I’m 20 and I still don’t think about sex or desire it. I love my boyfriend, but my idea of showing love has nothing to do with sex. If I envision something romantic, there is no sex involved. I think of cuddling on the couch and watching movies or sitting on a beach watching the sun set. I’ve also never felt comfortable with the words sexy or hot, only I never pretended to be. I just told people flat out that I didn’t like the words and that I didn’t think of anyone as hot. Hot just means you have a temperature to me.
    I never thought there were other people that felt like me. I certainly didn’t think there was an actual name for it. People say bi, gay, straight, transgender, etc, but no one ever really says anything about asexual.

    • Its nice knowing others think the way I do. for example the perfect date would be cuddling and not having sex at all. I am not 20 am 15 but still iv been this way cince I was little I didn’t like being touched or held iv gotten a little better cince then. society today just makes us think relationships are sex but that’s not true I can be with someone with out doing “it”

  21. THANK YOU!!! I’ve been trying to ignore the whole LBGTQ issue, because none of it made sense to me. I didn’t realize what a libido was until high school, and even then it was as an abstract concept more than anything else. Sex in general is an awkward topic for me, not because I’m ‘repressed’, but because I didn’t get what the whole fuss is about. I don’t find either gender attractive in *that* way, and with the people that surround me, well…I’ve put off labeling myself for a while because I simply didn’t find anything that came close to fitting. It’s like the vegetarian-steak-chicken thing, I guess. Anyway, thanks for this post! I just discovered this website, and it’s already cleared up a lot of things for me. Again, thanks!!!

  22. I have the hardest time paying attention, i’ll try to think dirty before going to bed but i think its more effort than i have. I always end up day dreaming about other stuff. And there is no man/woman barriers for me, women bother me because in movies i cant figure out why they wont throw a punch or be calm. Gender roles mean very little to me in personality terms. I love anthropology and tend to even think of love and the desire to mate as a biological function that inhibits day to day life and drive sitcoms. I have some cross overs and can enjoy a good bro-mance or romance or whatever but thinking of me in any context with another person other than emotions puts me off..i dont know.

  23. I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship but just with the hugging and kissing and watching movies together. Things I view as ‘coupley’ stuff. I think there were two times in my life that I actually wanted to have sex. Every other time was because it felt like it was what I was supposed to do. My daughters father wanted me to go see a doctor or something because he thought there was something seriously wrong with me.
    I just never understood what the big fuss was. Yes, I find guys physically attractive and there have been ones I would have liked to get to know better and spend time with but if someone looks even remotely interested in me I freak because “no one wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to have sex. Ever.” At least that’s what happens in my head.
    The point above about going for long periods without sex had me nodding along. I haven’t had it for a number of years it doesn’t bother me. If I happen to mention it to anyone, I get something like “You’ll find someone.”

    Whatever label is put on me, I’m just glad there are others who seem similar to me.

  24. It always made me feel weird/uncomfortable when men would “talk dirty” to me. I thought it was because I’m a fairly straight laced girl and always have enjoyed being complimented on my brain more than my looks and hate feeling objectified. I have wanted sex before, but i didn’t have an urge below the belt. It was more like I wanted the guy to want to have sex with me because that was proof to me that he found me desirable. When he would be aloof to me, that was when I wanted it more.

    Since being a young girl, I’ve had a fetish that caused me to want to masturbate, but I didn’t associate that with sexual urges until late in high school. I’ve often just thought that I caused myself to wire strangely by not associating those feelings that I would experience when being exposed to the fetish (something people do of either gender but not considered sexual at all to most people) to sex. I am confused because the definition of a fetish, I believe, is something required to get off, so I’d qualify with that as possibly not asexual, but just requiring a fetish to get off. However, usually, during sex, I am just waiting for it to be over. I don’t know if I’ve ever enjoyed it except when it is quick and I am in a passive position.

    I have been thinking about these things a lot in the past few weeks because i started seeing a guy who treats me really great, and I am enjoying cuddling and he is fine with sex happening slowly, but I began to put everything together and suspect I am asexual (or at least fetish dependent, and I don’t see myself admitting the fetish to a partner). Always before I assumed that I just lost interest/attraction in people once they were into me; I feared I was a bit of a player, but as I’ve been learning about asexuality, I fear there is a good chance my lack of desire is that, so I’ve been hit hard with the realization that I will likely be single because sex is such a big part of a relationship for most people. I am in my late 30s, and if it turns out I really am asexual, I want to be true to myself. I have a big romantic drive, get obsessed over men and love the anticipation of someone I like paying attention to me or getting to know them. I love the idea of a partnership, so maybe I will investigate online asexual dating? It’s a shock to the system and makes me cry. I always thought I was straight.

    • Dear Ms Delphi,
      *hugs* you are who you are in whatever form that is, and that is beautiful. I’m sorry I can’t help you in regards to fetish stuff. If like to start off by saying I hope you take my words with a grain of salt. You /can/ be asexual and still be straight. This depends how you define the latter, though. For example, one can be asexual but be interested in cuddling with people of the same gender or any combination therein. This would be their /romantic/ orientation, not their /sexual/ orientation.

    • Meh, touch screens…
      I hope you don’t mind me jumping in. I just found what you said to be really touching. I also wonder if I am this way b/c of my upbringing. I suppose that doesn’t matter in the end; all that matters is now.
      best wishes,
      Qwuilleran

  25. So, do you have to have had sex to know if you’d enjoy it despite feeling no urge to? My friends tell me I have to try it before judging my sexuality, but why? After reading this I think that the lack of that urge is what it means to be ace (or grace or demi), but is that true?
    I’ve been taught that the reason I don’t want to have sex, or don’t act like it, is because I’m female and stereotypically women are not supposed to want sex. But when I compare myself to my horny friend and promiscuous acquaintances I wonder if that’s true. I’ve only ever had one real boyfriend so people assume I’m straight but not promiscuous, but that’s only because he asked me out and I thought he was cute so assumed I’d have to try dating someone to see if I liked it or not.
    So does that mean I’m asexual but panromantic? ‘Cause even my bi-friend gets confused when I explain it to her. Or do I have to try sex to know if I’d like it (like dating, which I don’t particularly enjoy).

    • i feel the same as you and my friends have said the same to me i have had a boyfriend this was about 2 years ago and im now 18 nearly 19 he would touch me and i would just get annoyed, normally when we were trying to watch a film which would annoy me even more needless to say is didn’t last long as he obviously had a high sex drive and i wasn’t even bothered (this was before i had herd of asexuality) so we didn’t have sex and i still haven’t and my friends have been telling me that i need to try it before decide i don’t want to or what i’m into but i am bi by i do just like hanging out with people i don’t want anything to happen, i don’t even like meeting anyone any more because they always assume that i want to have sex or that i already have.
      hope this helps you no that your not the only one one day we will know what we are or that there will be someone that understands us who would just want to hang out and not do anything else
      Lauren

  26. So much of this relates to me.
    “You think of sex in anthropological or scientific terms, rather than romantic or erotic terms” describes me exactly. I’m super interested in sex… but not in the way most people are. I study it in University and want to learn as much about it as I can, and even help other people understand their own sexuality and bodies. But I’m not at all interested in sex or relationships for myself. I’ve never had a sex dream, and I’ve only been on one date in my life, and even though it went super well, I cried in the car on the way home, vowing never to do it again because it just felt so fundamentally wrong for me. I’m a bit odd in the sense that I really love sex scenes, I have my unique kinks and I love reading erotic fanfiction and I watch porn sometimes, and I enjoy it. I get aroused by it, but fantasies never include myself, and it never leaves me wanting to have sex. I get enjoyment out of other people’s pleasure, I guess. Imagining myself in sexual situations does absolutely nothing for me. It’s the same with romantic story lines and couples. I can get butterflies and kickyfeet when my favourite couple kisses, and I get invested in their relationship, but again, I don’t want it for myself.

    Growing up a had an absolute HELL of a time figuring out who I was. I spent years in fear that I was different, and thought I was gay. I thought I was bi, because I didn’t feel any different about girls that I did about boys… but that was because I wasn’t feeling anything for either! I’ve had one boyfriend who I was romantically attracted to, but never sexually. He’s the only person I’ve ever felt romantic attraction to, so I consider myself grey-aromantic. I can remember being surprised that girls thought about sex. I thought I was normal, because I was taught that girls didn’t think about sex as much as guys did. But as I got older, and started finding out that wasn’t really true, I started to wonder what was wrong with me. I’m so happy I’m alive in a time where Asexuality is starting to be understood, and talked about.

  27. So much of this relates to me, and it’s really helpful, so thank you for that. The one thing that was different was that instead of assuming I was straight “by default,” I thought I was pan because it didn’t matter to me either way- I found people aesthetically pleasing regardless of gender, so I thought that that meant I didn’t have a preference sexually, even though I just wasn’t feeling any sexual attraction. Also, I’ve often seen sex as a thing that other people do, which is fine for them, but if I was involved in a sexual situation it would be uncomfortable, awkward, and I would not know what to do. However, reading about other people having sex seemed perfectly fine because it didn’t involve me participating, which sort of hindered the realization that I was asexual.
    Your posts have really helped me better understand myself, and this is all so relatable, so thanks again.

  28. This is so me! I always thought everone else was weird for thinking about sex all the time! I am starting to think about sex, but out of curiosity more than anything. I just don’t get why everyone seems to want to date, kiss, have sex. My head has never worked THAT way, so I don’t get the dirty jokes or innuendoes, until 30 seconds after I give my friends an opening. All through high school, I wondered why my friends were obsessed with dating. Through college, I wondered why my friends were obsessed with sex. I just never understood WHY you would want to do any of it. I have felt slight attraction to guys, so I fit the straight discription, but I’ve never felt more other than he’s cute.

  29. Im recently divorced after 38 yrs. In my teens I was attracted to guys. But if it would go beyond kissing I would stop any further advancements. I did have sex only because it was expected in my time. Always thought way get all dressed up just to mess it all up. I did like the closeness. But hated the sex. I married because it was expected of me in a small southern town.

    Fastforward to now. My husband had an affair for 10 yrs. I had no idea because not having sex was great for me. Never needed or wanted sex. We were best friends and I love him. I had sex just for him but never liked it. I felt sorry for him because he tried so hard to please me.

    We divorced because he felt he passion before he couldn’t.

    I. Was curious what asexual was and there I was. I really want to tell my x it was me not him. But feel so guilty. I faked orgasms just to get sex over with. If I told him now he would know what a lier I’ve been.
    So thankful I found this. So glad the younger are allowed their freedom to express things. I wasn’t.

  30. Never had sex. Been in a long term relationship but when it got to that stage I never wanted it. I loved him and felt attraction towards him but never wanted sex or intimacy with him. Kissing was okay but I never instigated it. I’m unsure whether we just weren’t right for one another or not. He would always try to take things further but I always stopped him, he’s the only male I’ve ever been in a relationship with.

  31. Thank you for this post! I appreciate that you made it clear that not all asexuals are aromantic, even if you didn’t use those words. (There’s nothing wrong with aromanticism, but a lot of people assume it means the same thing as asexual.) I’m a female who has pretty much identified as ace for a few years now, but I’ve always questioned if I was really asexual because I still felt romantically attracted to guys. Only recently did I start reading up on the difference between asexual and aromantic, and between a few other sources and this article, I no longer feel like a fake asexual for wanting romance but not sex.

  32. I’ve never really been attracted to anyone and so I thought “I’m straight but I’ve never met anyone I like” I thought I might be Asexual a while ago but I was told it was really rare so I just didn’t mention anything to anyone until today when my best friend told me that another friend of ours was Pansexual and not knowing what that meant I looked into it and I went through every sexuality until I found the one that sounded most similar. This is my best guess because I’ve never been attracted to anyone.

  33. Until I went to college last year, I had no idea being asexual was an actual thing. Seriously, why had no one ever thought to bring this up before? I’ve never been on a date, kissed someone, or had sex and I’m perfectly okay with that. Having said that I absolutely loved this post, and agreed with a lot of the things.

    How I came to know that I was asexual (with help of this post):

    Apparently I flirt? And people actually flirt with me? Since I didn’t know this I managed to get myself into a sticky situation, when we were both flirting (he obviously knew, and I didn’t), and I had absolutely no idea that what I was saying was being perceived as flirting. I wasn’t attracted to him. My roommate dragged me out of the room, pulled me into my guy RA’s room and told me to stay until I thought about what I had said. My RA just laughed, and I eventually ended up playing a video game instead of thinking about it. Later when she came to retrieve me, she asked me what I had learned and I said that I’m awful at playing video games. Laughingly she took me back to our room and explained that we had been flirting with each other. To this day I still have no idea what I said that apparently made him think that I was flirting with him (and I haven’t seen him since to ask him). However, this was the turning point in my life. My friends decided to tell me later that I had to be asexual to not have known that I was flirting. Guess they were right about something.

    Additionally I agree with the book/tv/movie thing. I love to read, give me any book and I’ll probably read and enjoy it (unless it’s a textbook). The sex scenes just don’t interest me. Sex doesn’t interest me in the slightest. Also, I’ve never actually called a guy ‘hot’ before, just cute or adorable. My friends, always ask me oh isn’t that guy cute and I always just agree with them, or I act super sarcastic and say no. I just could care less, I don’t see them on the level that they apparently do.

    Sorry for the long post, but I felt it necessary to share my story.

    • Ahhh, thank you I can relate to this – apparently I’ve been flirting with a guy at school in the past week or so ( I don’t know how or what I am saying/doing that can be construed as flirting, so immediately feel guilty ). As a sixteen year old girl people have said I may have just not bloomed yet so to speak ( and I admit that even despite my thorough research on asexuality it may be possible that I haven’t matured yet even though I find this doubtful? ) I feel… Immature when people discuss kissing/sex purely because put simply both subjects disgust me – when I try to imagine sex it seems as though it could only be painful and the idea of it in itself repulses me on a deeper level, but I have no problem making dirty jokes and understanding that other people do enjoy sex and look forward to it for whatever unfathomable reasons… Would it be wrong for me to associate as a biromantic asexual if I’m repulsed where my body isn’t? It commonly feels to me as if I simply haven’t had instinct wired in with all these haywire hormones and when my friends try to insist that ‘you (me) and such and such would be so cute’ when I feel that having a relationship with someone would fail because ultimately most others do want sex? If I ever visualise a romantic future with someone I always picture myself telling whoever my SO is to feel free to have a… bed buddy? so that they aren’t missing out? I understand that I am probably a bit young yet to be thinking of things like this perhaps, but would it be better to be in no relationship than one where I feel guilty for not being able to sate the other’s instinctual drive?

      I apologise if I have rambled and none of this makes sense, however it is… confusing, to say the least, to work out where I stand in regards to all of this. Even if there is no answer for this, I feel better to have gotten this off my chest, so thank you. c:

      • Actually all of this makes sense to me. At 16 I knew I had room to mature some more, but I also know that I was way more mature than the rest of my class and probably still am. While kissing doesn’t disgust me completely, mainly because I think it’s a nice gesture to show appreciation. But sex does disgust me, I have no interest in having sex whatsoever, and I have no idea why people actually enjoy it but understand that its a part of life and that people will do what they see as natural. But obviously it has to be painful right? (I’m also glad that I’m not the only one who thinks that.)

        Personally, I would say that you can associate yourself with whatever you feel fits you. It’s all personal preference. No one else can tell you what you are or are not.

        Lastly, I’ve actually already decided that my significant other, whom ever that may be, will have as you put it a “bed buddy”. I really wouldn’t want them missing out. If you want a relationship then go for it, don’t miss out because you don’t want the other person to miss out on having sex. A solid relationship will last with or without sex.

        Hope this helps a bit :)

        • Wow, thanks again Reba! Haha, I’m glad that we can both now be content in knowing /someone/ out there feels the same way ahaha <33 The maturity thing I feel I another common tie — yes I can be immature but a lot of the time I sit there wondering how what they're attempting to do or say can at all be entertaining.

          Thanks for understanding and providing input, even for just being a listening ear — since posting here a couple of weeks ago I've decided to just try to continue about my day as normal and brush of my friends' jibes at my flirting and just try to talk normally with everyone and it seems to be working.

          I'll take your advice to heart, and it's gladdening to see that I wasn't the only one to have contemplated the idea of um, a 'bed buddy' hahaha.

          Again, thanks a lot Reba, and good luck with college! :))

  34. I have questioned a lot recently what my sexuality its. I’m a 17 year old guy in high school, and I find that I really just don’t fit into any of the boxes quite right. I have been told that I flirt unconsciously because I usually don’t realize that it is happening, and yet other times, I find myself flirting and I continue even though I have absolutely no intention of any physical relationship. I don’t really have issues with personal space, so awkward flirting games don’t really bother me and I am actually interested to see how girls who I feel some sort of mental attraction to respond. I am, however, really oblivious to the attraction of girls, as some of my friends will talk about how many girls really like me and yet I can count on one hand the number I know do. There was this one time that I was helping run a concession stand at a racetrack and my mom just started laughing beside me because this girl had apparently been checking me out so intently that she tripped and almost landed on her face, but I didn’t notice a thing.

    I noticed that I can acknowledge when a person (of either gender) is aesthetically pleasing, but that factor never really translates to physical desire. I know that the few girls I have ever been attracted to I really respected as an equal, but when I had my first girlfriend (and probably last of high school) this year, I didn’t really enjoy the kissing (as it never went any farther, nor did I really want it to.) She always wanted to be touching and kissing while we were hanging out, but I couldn’t have cared less about it, and I even missed several ques that I was supposed to participate which aggravated her. I ended it because I realized that not only was I not interested int eh same type of relationship as her, but I didn’t really have the time or energy to invest for it to be successful. I am pretty sure I have felt attraction to a couple of girls, but it’s more a desire to be around them and maybe to be in contact with them than to do anything more.

    As far as sex is concerned, I find it interesting and will participate in conversations regarding it, but I don’t really feel like I need to try it. I do have a libido, which I relieve myself with some visual assistance, but I don’t really feel an attraction for any of the people or situations I see, they merely help make the process a little more efficient in creating that environment for preparation. Originally, I started because I thought that it would help me gain experience which would help me with my future partner without actually having to use someone I didn’t care about or risk catching anything, but I continued because I feel like it helps me keep a clear head and level emotions because I recognize that my hormones will make me confrontational and aggressive, which I don’t need with all of the extracurricular activities I’m involved in.

    Recently, I told a few of my friends that I think demisexual is a good descriptor of me, but I also came to the realization that I am content to be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t need a romantic interest to be happy, and I don’t really have a desire to have sex. I told my older brother that it didn’t really matter to me if I ever got married or had kids, and it seemed to really bother him, but it seems natural to me, I mean, I may one day find someone that I don’t think I can live without, but I kind of doubt that’s going to happen. I still don’t know exactly where I fit in on the whole scale, but I think I’m just going to live as myself and see what happens.

    • I’m seventeen too, oh and I’m a girl, so I kind of get where you’re coming from. I’ve actually been really attracted to maybe two guys. One of them is an ex, and the other I like currently. I never really felt sexually attracted towards either of them, although I have had romantic feelings towards them. I don’t necessarily need to have to be in a actual relationship with anyone, even my crush, for me to be happy. And I’m ready to go single for the rest of my life, but I’m also keeping an open mind, as in, an “if it happens, it happens” mentality, kind of like what you described in the last few lines.
      And as for the libido, it’s kind of complicated, in that, I do have urges that I assuage through mild erotica and fantasy, but after it’s done, I feel miserable; it’s almost more of a hindrance and hassle than a way of pleasure. Like an alcoholic who knows better, but can’t help himself.
      I’ve never liked the words hot,cute, adorable, nor have I ever used them to describe anyone. I do find sex disgusting, most of the time, but I’m fine with learning about it and engaging in conversations about it half the time.

      • I’m glad I’m not the only one. I actually got into a new relationship now, and she’s a gray asexual as well. I think it has a pretty good chance of lasting a while, since neither of us really want to move quickly. She has made me realize that life is a lot more enjoyable when you are spending it with someone else.

  35. Hi,

    I’m so glad I’ve read this. I’ve always had issues in my relationships with regards to sex, more specifically my lack of sex drive.

    I love the idea of being in a relationship with a man, having a close relationship, having someone to share life’s experiences with, late nights watching movies and eating pizza, random philosophical conversations, being there for somebody, cuddles, kisses, BUT for me that’s where it ends, that for me has always been love and companionship, I’ve never understood the emphasis surrounding sex, it appears to be a basic primal need for most people, it’s in literature, on television, on the radio, used in advertising, always discussed and is portrayed often to be an extension of someone’s love, making love.

    I am trying to work out why it doesn’t seem to be a big deal to me, am I asexual?

    If I was asked to choose between chocolate and sex I would have an incredibly easy decision to make.

    I am 23 and currently in a relationship with a guy who finds sex to play a very important part in a relationship. Our relationship is suffering because I show no interest in taking things farther than a kiss and cuddle. We have taken things farther (as I have in previous relationships) but I always feel as though it is more of a duty than a pleasure, I can’t seem to get lost in the moment, I’m either slightly grossed out by the act or my mind is in a completely different place and I’m always conscious of how much longer the experience might take.
    For me the most pleasurable part is when it’s over and i know I won’t have to do it again for another day or two. I would love to enjoy sex, want sex, initiate sex but it just doesn’t seem to be in my nature.

    Any thoughts/feelings on this would be greatly appreciated.

  36. I am a 19 year old girl who has only been in a real relationship with one person, a guy of the same age. I’ve only had a real sexual relation with one person and we have been together for 2 years now. I love girls, which has made people question my sexual orientation but I think I just feel more comfortable around them. That kissing and hugging them is no big deal and means nothing. I can appreciate their looks but I don’t think I’ve ever been sexually attracted to one of those girls.
    My friend’s always point out “hot” people in the street. But I simply don’t pay attention. My friends call me Max-Sexual because I only seem to have eye for my boyfriend, whom I love very much, but even still I don’t know if I find him sexually attractive or just good looking. I can appreciate when someone is attractive but the phrase “I’d totally fuck him/her.” Is totally foreign to me when It comes to complete strangers or even “attractive” people I know. I obsess over celebrities but I don’t consider sleeping with them. I find my boyfriend more cute then sexy, and I think that hurts his manly pride.
    I’ve only had one serious boyfriend, and sexual relations with one person. But I don’t know if my indifference to the whole sex thing is just the innocence of not sleeping around and our inexperience. My friends, male and female, obsess about sex. Like it’s the best thing on Earth. But I really don’t understand that at all. Like it feels good in the moment but I don’t feel any different afterwards. I even feel disappointed that I don’t seem to have responded like most people to the whole thing.
    I moan all the time about pointless sex scenes in TV shows without any convincing romance – but I always assumed I wouldn’t get seeing naked actors because I was a girl. I love the idea of romance, though I hate it when it’s cliche, I just wish that sex had nothing to do with it. Because most of the time I feel that sex ruins the relationship of those fictional characters and they too lose themselves in it. Where did my budding romance go? What’s the obsession with sex?
    Lately I’ve been feeling really confused and frustrated. I don’t feel as though I enjoy sex as much as others, which makes me jealous of fictional characters and my friends but also scared of being abnormal. I know I shouldn’t be over thinking the labels. But when I express my feelings to my boyfriend he thinks it’s his fault, but I really don’t think that’s the case and it’s more me and my lack of enthusiasm for it.
    Am I Asexual? :/

  37. this has helped me a lot , i was talking to a friend the other day about how i don’t feel the need or the want to even be in a relationship let alone have sex (even though i haven’t had sex I’m only 18) and she said to me that i might be asexual this was the first time i had herd this term so i wasn’t sure what it meant but now reading this i am probably sure that i am i thought i was bi and wasn’t sure why i didn’t feel anything for anyone of any sex. i can still talk to my friends about there sex lives but its a bit awkward and odd to think that they do have sex i don’t thin about them doing it, i work with animals and am hoping to go into a job at a zoo which would involve animals breeding and I’m not bothered by that but i still don’t think about it i think more about that a sperm met an egg and now the animal is pregnant i always thought it was because i new to much about how its done and about sex but after reading this i am sure its because i’m asexual

  38. This is really interesting. I’ve been struggling to identify my sexuality a lot over the past couple of years. I’ve been trying to avoid putting a label on myself mostly because of the obsession of sex out there, and I didn’t want people to throw me into a single bucket for labeling myself as one thing or another, especially because I never felt that I belonged in any category.
    For a while I’ve been wondering if I was bi or not because, while I think men are my preference, I’m not opposed to being in a relationship with a girl. Plus, in my mind, sex was never even an immediate component of a relationship anyways.
    To me, the only real reason for sex is to have children. I’ve said this to people before, and their response is something of shock and then calling me judgmental. I never had a problem with other people having sex or anything like that, I just never understood the appeal. This is really interesting and helpful to know that others feel the same way.

  39. I, too, feel that I am asexual. After my last time (3/4 years ago) I thought, I cant do this anymore. I am not one to go jump into bed with someone, or form a sexual relationship. I hate the whole idea of having sex with someone. I haven’t told my mum yet as I do not know what to say… maybe go ‘morning mum! Guess what?? I’m coming out of the closet and I’m asexual! Yay! Stop nagging me now.’
    I keep telling her that she’s not having grandkids, and she’s understanding now that I’m not a child person. She knows that when I know someone is attracted to me I feel good, but its only a confidence thing, knowing that you’re just as pretty as your family and the fact that you wear glasses, have a load of guy mates and play video games is not important anymore.

    This feels epic that I know there are many other people around that feel the same way. Its been a hard toil finding who I am and what I want from life. I’m 20, and the gay people I know have come out a looonnnggg time ago, with no questions asked.

    I have told friends that I have no interest in sex, and their reactions are the same: what? You don’t have sex? or what? I couldn’t survive! My best friend still finds it hard to believe, because I can still find a person hot, or beautiful. I suppose I’m a romantic asexual, and get closer to someone by conversation rather than cuddling and kissing. Even kissing’s weird! I don’t care anymore though. I’ll carry on with my lifelong plans.

  40. +1! Thanks so muuuch!

    waw so much you said thats similar to me.

    Fuck!!! I have to add this one to all my other weirdnesses ! Being anarchist, genderqueer, etc. I basically define myself negatively all the time. No, I don’t work, don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t have a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a fixed gender identity, a nation, a group I belong to, dont want kids or get married, etc. thanks to everybody whos put words on their experience!

    Its gonna take me a few days to be able to say “I am asexual.”

  41. So I’ve had a couple relationships before (all guys) and have found people attractive and all but like I’ve never really had much interest in hook ups or anything like that (I’m a high school student and I’ve watched my friends and classmates do that sort of casual fling thing and it always seemed really bizarre and dumb to me) and at first I thought I was just scared of getting hurt but looking back I usually don’t feel much when I’ve kissed/been kissed by someone. I’m still pretty young so I don’t know if I’ve experienced enough to be able to diffinitively label myself as asexual but at the same time I feel like that’s a possibility and maybe this is silly but whatever sexuality I am I still want to get married and have a family someday and the concept of asexuality kind of terrifies me because love just sounds like such a great thing so I was just wondering if any of you that are pretty sure/positive you’re asexual have found love or are happily married or anything like that.

    • That’s asked in such a cute way!

      Well I can’t help you much as I am still quesitoning myself. But what I can tell you is that ===========> most people spend their life trying to show other people how their life is exciting, especially their relationships and sex.
      While most of the sex available is actually abusive towards women, tasteless, forced… not “forced” like a rape is, but just as something casual. Oh yeah, we’ve been going out together for that amount of time, we must fuck now. Or : ok tonight, we all must find someone to fuck. And so many weird approaches to sex that are the norm !
      That’s why I am questioning. I don’t know if I am disgusted by people’s attitudes towards sex or sex itself. I mean, I am not disgusted by sex.

      That’s probably added to a low sexual attraction though.

      About getting married. Honestly, I would think about it twice. What are you gonna do once you’re married ? Obey your husband ? and then struggle while divorcing… berk thats not for me.

      Good luck! :)

      • Haha thank you so much. Hopefully I’ll find someone who doesn’t want to put obedience as a wedding vow

    • You obviously can love without sex. For me at least, I really do love all the people in my life. I love my friends, and having realized I am asexual has also made me realize that I do love these people, and that it’s not a sexual or romantic thing, but I still have people I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I am happy without sex or relationships and that’s the bit that makes me okay with my asexuality.

  42. I don’t think about sex as an appealing thing, it seems disgusting and pointless to me. I can partially understand why people like it because of the Biological sensations etc but I don’t want to do it. People might talk about it around me and I may try to talk about it in the right way to fit in but it kinda shocks me some of the things people say about girls! Porn doesn’t seem morally right either. I might glimpse some porn occasionally but I normally look away out of choice before my eyes get too deep in. I have no idea what category to put myself under as I’m definitely not gay but I don’t think I’m straight either. When I think of girls, I normally think of my face-to-face relationship with them and I might occasionally daydream going on a date with them. Is anyone else like me? I’m slightly confused.

  43. i enjoyed reading this article. thank you for sharing your experiences. The part about seeing a sex scene on a TV show made me think of the first thought i had during a sex scene on The Walking Dead: “Aren’t they supposed to be on guard?” then i got up for snack since nothing important was happening. i basically saw it as a commerical break… and thought nothing more of it.

    then i realised similiar thoughts are first in my mind when, in action or horror films where the characters are in a ticking clock situation, two main characters take a break for sex: “is there really time for this?” “i thought they were in a hurry?” “i thought they were in danger?” “do WE really need to watch this? the movie/episode will be over in X minutes…” “they could have used that film time for action / explaining X / other logical story-related things”

    then someone tells me, “Maybe they think they won’t get another chance…”
    To which my response is, “oh… Well, wouldn’t their chances of survival be greater if they weren’t wasting their time with sex right now? They said they only had yaddayadda time until yaddayadda happens…” so i take it as a commerical break and check my text messages. :)

  44. I have put myself in study mode regarding what I thought was me for many years now. I am 43 years old and have never had “sex”. I have had forms of sexual pleasure with certain people but felt like I was a third party watching rather than a participating party to the “event”. Since I was a little boy (from 2 to current)lol — I have thought that I had special powers, that I was special — different than EVERYONE else. This could be chalked up as PURE crazy; but nonetheless, there it is.

    My parents divorced when I was barely two years old. My mother took me to live with my grandmother in El Paso after the divorce. I would watch soap operas with my grandmother and then re-enact scenes with my friend down the street about about 4 years old. His mother caught us one day and I remember his mother coming to our house and talking to my mother and grandmother. I remember thinking I was in big trouble.

    I think that I developed a sense of role play of what I thought “love” was trying to understand it from the gay and straight perspective of course didn’t realize it at the time. I was only 4. In both instances, I felt like a fish out of water — everytime!!!

    Getting back to my special powers, my sister tells a story when my father flew me down at age 5 for my sisters wedding. After the wedding and making the trip back to the airport as my sister and father watched me going down the plane tunnel, I remember looking back and their sobbing because they were sad to see me leave going back to my mother and grandma in El Paso. I ran toward them in my white Sesame Street jumpsuit with my pack on my back and said to my sister, “Don’t worry if anything happens, I’ll use my powers.”

    From this time forward, I have always thought that I was difference, unique in one way or another. My indifference has given me great gifts such as playing the piano, painting, love of movies, and ultimately my love for my SOLITUDE. I love being by myself. I can go to movies by myself and it doesn’t BOTHER me at ALL. I am seldom with friends, but love it when they come; but I don’t need them and never have.

    In high school, I never dated. I had male friends that would stay over; and we would mess around, but I still felt weird afterwards like drinking a beer that didn’t have alcochol in it…I just didn’t get it.

    During college, my brother and his wife set me up with this great girl that lived close by and she cut my hair. Her family owned a beauty salon. I bought a ring, gave it to her at Christmas with my whole family watching. We saw each other for 5-6 months and NEVER hardly even kissed.

    I broke it off with her abruptly; in fact, I was a real jerk about it. I didn’t have any romantic feelings for her. At this point, I really thought I was gay so I started exploring that avenue. I had some frolics with several men, but NEVER could connect.

    I had moved off to a big city and would come into town from time to time and I ran into the girl I nearly became engaged. She called me up and asked if I would meet her for lunch. I met her at the Olive Garden and found out that she was now a lesbian; and was hoping that I might want to father her child for her and her girlfriend. We had a really great conversation, but ultimately I declined.

    I never really understood what I was until the last few months; but I have to say I can see why there is so much teen suicide. Sex is so prevalent in our society and religious groups don’t make it easy for young people. Probably not so much religious groups as a whole, but the “standard” that society sets for young people.

    Every time I read an obituary about a young person that died from no apparent causes, I think, “did he commit suicide.” I’ve pretty much decided to make use of my brain and get my counseling license. I think I have a perspective that could probably help some young people and adults. I feel that if I was able to make it without taking my life while all the opportunities at taking my life and NOT…maybe I should give that back to a generation or more of young and old letting them know they aren’t alone.

    Sorry this was so long, but I guess I just “came out” — I’m not GAY I’m not STRAIGHT I’m “NOTHING” LOL I love it!!!

  45. Im 18 and im starting to realize that I dont think of people the way other people do .I cant say shes hot and stuff like that it feels weird I just shrug and say yea.when I do masturbate and stuff I use porn but I feel the same way about porn as I di about real people the whole thinking about all the technical stuff over the actual sex makes sense I focus on how their boobs/butts/dicks look bigger cause the fisheye lens hahaha. Ive been looking all over the internet to figure out why im not like/cant relate to other people.I feel like the “attractions” I do feel towards a woman/man/trans is forced I feel like I have to coach myself to say “o yea shes hot” but if yall got any advice I would REALLLY appreciate ot

    • I dont know if this matters but I had a gf for about 2 months before she left me and I felt attracted to her emotionally I really didnt care about sex .even when she would offer a bj I would make some excuse up cause I didnt really feel a urge to do it.

  46. I suppose I figured out that I was ace when I realized that I only ever thought people were aesthetically appealing. It never occurred to me that this was not the norm, until I realized that I had absolutely no desire toward sex (or any romantic attraction towards people) while it seemed like that was all other people were focused on. I’ve figured out that all “attraction” I felt over the years was just me subconsciously thinking “Hey, this person is really attractive, nice, funny, etc. This must be what having a crush is like!” when in reality it was more of a desire to make a friend rather than a romantic or sexual partner. I find people appealing, but in a viewpoint of friendship, my “celebrity crushes” are people I would want to meet and be friends with rather than, and I quote, “bang like a screen-door in a hurricane”. Figuring this out was like an epiphany for me, I had reason to believe that I was somehow “wrong” but when I discovered asexuality it was beautiful; it was the explanation for me. I love the people in my life, I really do love my friends, in the deepest way, and I am so glad that I have realized because of asexuality that I am not “wrong”, I am not without love and the happiness that comes with love in my life. I have people that I really do love dearly, and that is the part that means I am okay with my asexuality.

  47. Thank you for this, and the comments have been very helpful too. I found this page in my search to try to better understand my husband of 20 years. He doesn’t like to talk about sex, he doesn’t show attraction to me or others very often, he seems shy/uncomfortable with the topic, BUT, he knows it’s important to me and SAYS he wants to work on it, but then nothing happens. Meanwhile, his lack of interest/initiation with sex over 20 years has led me to see him as a brother/friend/pal, and nothing else. The idea of having sex with him now is so off-putting. Still, I think about sex a LOT, and I want sex, but not with him. It would be like sleeping with Kermit the Frog – just wrong to have sex with someone who has no apparent sexuality.

    In the last 10 years, we’ve had sex less than 10 times – maybe 4 or 5 – and all so unfulfilling (well, bad). He’s just recently agreed to get his testosterone tested. That *could* be it – but I don’t know how I can undo my perception of him even if he starts to have some sort of interest. He has never had assuredness and confidence that many men have when it comes to sex. I feel like – since our first kiss – that he was acting. It’s like he’s suddenly saying lines from a movie, and it feels so fake. He’s pretty unscripted in the rest of his life, but around sex, it was like he was tapping into some bad porn movie lines, or conversely, a sweet 1940s love story script – it’s not *real*.

    So, what next? I don’t know. I think about sex a lot. A cute contractor was working on the kitchen sink, lying on his back reaching up to the plumbing, and I’m just thinking, what great stomach muscles he must have – I wish I could touch them. We had an adorable gardener who’d work on the yard, sweat dripping down his face, lovely forearms (and he was so sweet, so happy, and was a great dad – that’s so attractive in men), and I would think a LOT of sexual thoughts about things I wanted to do with him. So, I have sexual thoughts, regularly. Meanwhile, the thought of cheating makes me nauseous, and my husband doesn’t ever want to divorce. I feel trapped, even though I could get a divorce w/out his ‘ok’, but then I haven’t worked in 6 years, and worry that I’ll be living off ramen for the rest of my life w/ no health insurance.

    Reading these other comments helps me to better accept my husband as who he is. But, I still can’t imagine living with him forever, and never having sex again.

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