Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You

A lack of experiencing sexual attraction is the only thing that all asexuals have in common.  That’s what the definition of asexuality is. But that definition doesn’t help people who are trying to figure out if they’re asexual.  It’s a definition through negation, which isn’t useful if you’re not sure what’s being negated. It’s like saying “You’re unxonoxian if you’ve never seen a xonox.”  How are you supposed to know if you’ve never seen a xonox, when you have absolutely no idea what a xonox is?  Maybe you’ve seen one, but just didn’t know that’s what it was called.  So you ask someone how to know if you’ve seen a xonox, and the best answer they can give is “Well, if you’ve seen a xonox, you’d know.”

Because of this, figuring out if you’re really asexual can be a challenge.  How do you know if you’ve never felt sexual attraction when you’re not sure what sexual attraction even is, and no one can satisfactorily explain it to you?  What I’ve found is that most asexuals don’t come to the realization that they’re ace from reading that definition. Instead, they read what someone else wrote on a blog or in forum posts, or they see a news article or YouTube video on asexuality and think, “That person just described me.”

Even though a lack of sexual attraction is the only thing all asexuals have in common, there are clusters of shared experiences, similar things that some asexuals have felt.  It’s these shared experiences which often make people come to realize that they’re asexual. In this series of posts, I’m going to explore some of them.

(Please note:  These aren’t universal ace traits, so don’t worry if you don’t fit into them all.  I haven’t even experienced all of these myself. This shouldn’t be looked at like a checklist or “Am I Asexual?” test or anything like that.  You can still be asexual even if you’ve experienced none of the things on this list and you may not be asexual even if you’ve experienced most of them.  There’s no diagnostic test to confirm if you’re asexual, there’s no twenty-seven point checklist, and you don’t have to pass an initiation or be referred by someone who’s already in the club.  The only person who can truly diagnose your sexual orientation is you. 

Also, I want to note that these thoughts or experiences should not be taken as some sort of manifesto of the unquestioned and unified belief system of all asexuals.  They’re not necessarily the right experiences or the wrong experiences, and certainly, some of them may be misguided or born out of ignorance.  I am writing about them here because some asexuals have passed through these thoughts on their way to discovering their identity, and I felt it was important to mention them for those people still making the journey and who may currently be thinking the same thoughts.)

In this first installment, I’m going to talk mostly about personal thoughts, thoughts about yourself and your identity.

Links to the posts in this series:

You don’t think about sex.

When thinking about activities you’d like to do with a romantic interest, sex rarely makes the list.  You might not catch the punchline to a dirty joke, because you’re not operating in that frame of reference.  When other people start talking about sex, you have to take a second to remember that other people think about that sort of thing.  When you hear that old statistic that people think about sex every seven seconds, you only think about how wrong that statistic is.

You realize that everyone else thinks about sex in a completely different manner than you do.

This is the one that finally tipped me over the edge.  One day, I was talking with a friend about some sex scene on a TV show I’d seen the day before.  I was trying to figure out the positioning and mechanics of what was supposedly going on because it didn’t make sense to me.  As the conversation went on, it became apparent that I was focused on the wrong thing, that it wasn’t meant to be about the impossible and/or uncomfortable contortions required to make the scene believable, it was meant to be about the sex.

This, in itself, wasn’t weird.  I’ll often find things odd about scenes in movies or TV shows and try to sort out the problems afterward.  What was weird is that at no point in the conversation did I ever think anything like “Oh hey, sex!  Yay!”  I realized that I never really did think that way.  Ever.

So I started rewinding my life, going over various sexual situations from my past.  What struck me was how, in almost every single one of them, there was something that made me feel different.  One or two things over the years might have just been a fluke.  A handful of things bunched together during one summer might have just been a phase.  But here, in event after encounter after situation, consistently, for close to 20 years since the start of puberty, there was something different.

I don’t find people “hot”.

My girlfriend had to be very persistent to convince me to have sex with her.

I find most porn to be boring or unappealing.

I’d zone out of most conversations on sex.

I never had “urges”.

I never saw the point of a bachelor party.

And on and on the list went.  It became absolutely clear to me that my views on sex were completely different from anyone else I’d ever talked to.  It wasn’t some isolated thing.  There was something fundamentally different about me.

It was because of that realization that I went out to try to discover exactly what it was that was going on with me, which is how I discovered asexuality.

You think of sex in anthropological or scientific terms, rather than romantic or erotic terms.

You might be interested in sex, but interested in the same way one is interested in geology or zoology.  You see it as an object of study, rather than an object of participation.  You might want to know everything about it and read everything you can about sexual activities, practices, variants, and combinations, yet at the same time, you’re not really interested in actually doing any of them.  You’d rather watch a Discovery Channel documentary on sex than a porn movie.  You’d rather read the Kinsey Report than Penthouse.

Sometimes, because of this, you may forget that others don’t typically look at sex as an intellectual curiosity, and you may talk about things in a context where other people are shocked or embarrassed by your openness.

You don’t understand what the big deal is.  You haven’t had sex for [insert significant amount of time here], so why are other people so worked up about going without for two weeks?

In general (although not universally speaking), asexual people don’t have a problem going without sex for long periods of time.  If you told an asexual person that they couldn’t have sex for ten years, their response will often be something along the lines of “Okay, whatever.”  If you told a non-asexual person that, their response will often be something along the lines of “That’s impossible!  I’d explode!”  (And again, not universally speaking.)

I’ve felt this way before.  I’ve seen people moan about how terrible it is that they haven’t had sex in two months.  There was a big story about a DJ who went without sex for a whole year as a publicity stunt, and everyone was shocked.  I’ve seen men make it sound like their genitals will literally explode under pressure if not emptied in, on, or by someone else within a timely manner.  But I haven’t had sex in years and I don’t miss it at all.  The concept that someone could be so affected by a lack of sex is totally alien to me.


Sex is totally alien to you.

There’s this thing that everyone else does.  It’s on TV, it’s in movies, there are magazines devoted to it, songs about it, books about it.  It’s everywhere, all the time.  Some people are obsessed by it.  They can spend their whole lives chasing it, and sometimes it ruins them.

And you just don’t get it at all.

It’s not that you’re naive, it’s not that you’re sheltered, it’s not that you’re uninformed.  It’s just that it’s impossible to fathom why this thing is so important to pretty much everyone else in the world.

And whenever people talk about sex, they might as well be speaking in a foreign language or talking about the intracacies and nuances of macroeconomic theories or 17th century French literature for all you care.

It’s a bit like everyone else is a fan of a sport you’re not interested in.  You can watch a game, you can read the rules, you might even try playing once or twice, but in the end, it still doesn’t make any sense why people are so excited about getting to third base or scoring a touchdown.

You’ve thought, “I’m straight (/gay/bi/etc), but not very good at it”.

I felt this way for years before I discovered asexuality.  I’d had a girlfriend, and the occasional persons of vague interest had all been women, so clearly that means I’m straight, right?  But at the same time, I never really thought about sex.  I never went looking for it, I never felt like I needed it.  Whenever I thought about these women, I thought about things like going on vacation or scouring the local thrift stores for retro video games with them, but I never really thought about taking them to bed.  One day, I decided that meant that I was straight, but I just wasn’t very good at it.

Later, when I discovered asexuality, I mentioned this on an asexuality forum.  I was surprised by the number of other people who said that they had felt the same way.  Some of them had even used the same phrase to describe themselves.

You’ve thought, “I must be straight by default”.

I’ve seen a couple of people say that they felt this way before they discovered asexuality.  The assumption is that someone has to be straight, gay, or bi, no exceptions, no alternatives.  Everyone has to get placed in one of those buckets, there are no other options.  Clearly, since they didn’t experience attraction to the same sex, they couldn’t be gay or bi, therefore they had to be straight by default, since that was the only bucket left.

I think this makes a good thought exercise for people who don’t believe in asexuality.  If those three groups are the only options, where do you put someone who knows they’re not gay, because they’re clearly not attracted to the same sex, but at the same time, there’s not any evidence that they’re straight, either?  The only reason you’d put someone in the “straight” bucket is because “that’s what most people are”, which is a ridiculous reason to assign an identity to someone.

It’s a bit like saying there are people who like chicken, people who like steak, and people who like both.  You come across a vegetarian and you try to fit them into your limited worldview.  “Do you like chicken?”  “No.”  “Well, therefore you like steak by default.”  “No, I’m-” “You have to like steak, because most people like steak, and you said you don’t like chicken.”  “But-“  “YOU LIKE STEAK.  END OF DISCUSSION.”  There’s clearly a “none of the above” option here which needs to be recognized.  Some people don’t like steak or chicken, and some people don’t like men or women.


Tomorrow’s post will focus mostly on sex and sexual activity (So you might want to skip tomorrow, if that’s not your deal), while the third day will be about things outside of yourself, like other people.

Links to the posts in this series:

299 thoughts on “Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You

  1. Oh that last one is so true. But for me it was never really a conscious thing. Sex/relationships/etc were never important to me, and I honestly rarely thought about the whole shabang at all. I just assumed I was straight because I obviously wasn’t gay/bi and I never bothered to even wonder if there was another alternative. However, if I had stopped to think about it, I do wonder what the outcome would have been. (As it was I discovered AVEN and found my answer before I had a chance to come up with it myself.)

    Another note… I always hated the word “hot.” I can recognize some people as being “hot” (or not) but that doesn’t mean that I am sexually attracted to them. I can say “He’s hot” and simply mean that I am able to identify the particular brand of attractiveness that is typically attributed to him. Same with “sexy” in its liberal use today.

    So many of these are true for me to some degree or another though. Thank you so much for writing this!

    • weird..for awhile now i couldn’t figure out if i was straight or bi, or gay. i kept trying to figure out why nothing sexual appealed to me the way it did when i was a kid. i think i’ve become asexual…or maybe i always was. maybe when i was a kid it just excited me because i’d never seen anything like it before, like going to disney land for the first time.

      • Ok, the part about being interested because it was a new idea makes so much sense to me, since I always think “I’m uninterested in sex, but I was for the first year or so of being a teen. So does that mean I’m still asexual?” Now that makes sense to me. I always wondered how it made any sense that I was interested at first, but not anymore.

      • Same here. Porn was exiting only because it had been forbidden. Just like jumping over the wall of the cloister and run around until the nuns chase you out (and believe me, they can run like the wind). However, after a while the taboo around it faded and now I just sometimes come across it and google stuff related to in very much the same way I google everything else. It goes basically a bit like; Psychology of cats, celtic history, feminism, manufacturing proses of dildos (actually that one lead to a much longer research on plastics and safety measures), hippos, BDSM (Why the hell do people find torture and humiliation sexy? Really?), back to the hippos, string theory, how to draw trees etc etc. Its just that is mildly interesting now and then. Though it seems that my now above average knowledge on dilos is “prove that I secretly want it”. That just pisses me off. I just wanted to know if the retail price correspondents with the cost of manufacturing them.

        • Ahh yes I do that all the time, it’s like I’m searching pictures of angry owls one minute and then following the hyperlinks on Wikipedia until i suddenly realise that I’ve been reading about sex toys and unusual sex practices for an hour and a half. The whole time though, I don’t actually feel anything towards it other that curiosity. It’s not as if I’m excitedly searching for ideas, I’m just interested in what these things are and why people do them y’know. And I feel like the fact that I’m fairly knowledgable about all this stuff and make a fair few dirty jokes is making my friends doubt my asexuality and I feel like I have to be so much more weary of what I say. Also yes that thing about it being interested at first because it’s something new and rebellious makes so much sense to me now. I wish someone had proposed that theory to me sooner because I’ve been so worried about the validity of my asexuality when until fairly recently (like 3 months ago) I have looked at things and touched myself and now I’ve just lost all interest and I’ve been trying to figure out what it was, whether it was something to do with me trying to conform to the idea of being asexual subconsciously (I started identifying as it about 5 months ago) or whether it was something more serious about my emotional state or physical wellbeing but now I reckon that it might just be that it’s because I’m just bored of it and it isn’t a new experience to explore anymore. Ahh this makes so much sense thanks guys. And

        • Terrific illustration! We r not lesser because those “in the know” know the latest key words or images to let the other know they r thinking about sex, and want to get it on like dogs or monkeys. I don’t know what to say when someone asks if I want to go get the latest sexy fashion thing… I’m happy in my filthy bibs digging in my yard? Leave that for ?????

      • I’ve had this same problem. I was “attracted” to all people who were more my type the same. But….. never wanted to shag anyone for lack of better words. The fact that I occasionally have a sex drive or want to be with someone threw me off too. But it is like I don’t have a sex drive by default and occasionally someone trips the switch. I’ve been going from “I’m lesbian” to “I’m streight” to “I’m bi” and back for ages trying to figure out what the heck is going on. At this point, it seems like I occasionally want to have sex (very occasionally) with someone I can have a deep connection to on all levels.

        • From how you describe it, I would say you are demisexual. If you are demisexual toward everyone, then your official label would be demipansexual. This, like every other kind of demisexuality, is under the asexual umbrella. I hope this helped!!

        • From what you’ve described, it sounds very similar to what I’ve experienced. My research leads me in the direction of a gray-asexual or possibly a demisexual identification. Basic explanation of a gray-A, if you put sexuality on a scale with asexual individuals at zero and the world’s craziest most sex-addicted nymphomaniac at ten, a gray-A usually falls at one or even a point-five. We do experience sexual attraction and have urges to have sex, but it’s very rare and very dull. Easy to shrug off the desire when it occurs, and sex itself is… nice? But not the overwhelmingly amazing thing that more sexual people describe. Demisexual individuals experience sexual attraction and desire, but only with specific people after they’ve already formed a strong emotional bond and attraction to those people. Do either of these sound familiar?

          • I’ve been trying to figure out my “problem” and this is semi close to what I feel. I find men and women attractive and I can be stimulated by the thought of women but I have no real interest in actually being physical with a women. I enjoy the presence of a man and being in a relationship with a man but I don’t think about sex and it doesn’t bother me not to have sex with my partner but once in a great while but I do enjoy having sex with myself. This has obviously been the culprit of many failed relationships so I’m trying to figure it out. I’ve never been abused and I don’t think there’s anything medically or psychologically wrong with me. Help.

          • I am older, not old, mind you, but older, and have never had sex with anyone. I find men attractive, even sexy, but the thought of the actual act itself, eludes me. I have always had a strong sexual urge, but I find it more exciting to think about doing it with someone than actually doing it with someone. Not sure if I am just intimacy phobic, or what, but there it is.

      • im like this I couldn’t figure myself out still can’t and i don’t think about relationships of being with people and ayet I felt like I had to have one plus a kiss gave me a reaction I can only see as fear does this mean I’m asexual

        • There is no obligation for you to have a relationship. If you, however, want a relationship, for things like company and comfort, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to want and/or like sexual stuff and your partner should respect it if you decide you don’t want to engage in anything like it, even if he/she does. It’s perfectly possible to fall in love without ever experiencing physical attraction. Do some research online, take your time to figure it all out. There’s no rush. No one can tell you what your sexual orientation is, it’s about what you identify yourself as.
          Good luck!

          • Hi there
            I am completely devastated to realise that for my whole life nearly 50 years I have never realised that my major marriage or relationship break-up is because I am 100% (according to your test) asexual. I did not know about such a thing until recently and now I feel a tremendous guilt that I have
            married 4 guys but have failed them because I could not get interested in sex in any way. It bothered me but I thought I was normal and there was something wrong with the guys sex drive…..
            I hated it and closed off with
            the failed marriage result.

            Now I have found this asexual information I feel I should have taken responsibility years ago and never attempted to try another marriage. I feel totally dejected about this new self knowledge and the latest marriage I am now in…..
            During my early years I was thought to be the sexiest
            person around – and I always wondered how people got me so wrong…..
            I do hope this might help people with marriage problems stop and think about their sexuality and the responsibility we have to know ourselves honestly.

          • Don’t feel too despairing about your current marriage yet. Now that you know this about yourself you have the chance to have an open and honest conversation with your husband and work out some sort of compromise that will suit both of you. My husband said it was a relief for him when I told him I was ace, because suddenly he didn’t have to worry about whether my lack of desire was because I didn’t like him in particular. Also he didn’t feel the same kind of pressure to make sure I was sexually satisfied in the relationship now he knew I would be satisfied with nothing at all. So it may be that your husband too finds this something of a relief once he knows. It doesn’t mean you can’t have sex at all, for example, because you love him and he can’t help being allosexual and having these needs, but it helps to know why it feels more like a boring duty and less like something you want.

      • I remember having a fair start in sexual development at age ten, to fade quickly with adolescence. By 18 I was over and done with, as if my reproductive cycle had ended, I mean that’s what occurred to me at the time.

    • The last one is so true for me as well. I grew up in a strict christian household where you were straight and nothing else. I had difficult with this in the last few years as I have come to see my gay attractions more frequently.
      For a good long while, I thought I’m bi and my family will shame me (which isn’t the case at all). Then I heard my friend talking about pansexuality and did my research about and found asexuality. I was relieved to find a better term for me.

    • I couldn’t agree more. I am interested to know what people talk so highly about sex and I never could experience it. Yeah I was aroused once but when I couldn’t have that again I wasn’t bothered much about it. I thought I was straight too since I appriciated men, then i apriciated women too and I admired them from afar. I then thought I was bi then came the pansexual phase but still i could live without sex from more than a year. Mastrubation is like just a thing and it doesn’t really make me excited as people describe it. I am still searching for what I am and thing which define me might change but its really frustrating

    • Before I discovered the concept of asexuality, I described myself by paraphrasing a line from The Drew Carey Show. “I’m not gay, but I’m not straight… either”

      (The original line is from Lewis right after Mimi flashed him; “I’m not gay, but I’m not straight anymore either.”)

      I figured I was straight, just with a low libido, since I like looking at guys sometimes, but I only look at girls when they have on interesting clothes. Actually I’d rather the guys have their clothes on too. I felt broken. My sister said I needed to see a doctor, but I figured it was convenient. I’m not exactly pretty, and I figured nobody wanted me, and that’s okay cos I don’t want them either. Now I know it’s normal for me, and I can watch the annual Valentine’s Day circus with amusement instead of wondering what I’m missing.

      • This is such a great read and the comments are good. I’m totally confused in my self I keep thinking somethings wrong with me. I’m a confident person and love flirting with people but then that’s it. I’m a female and now I to girls to but I don’t really understand what does “into” mean. I don’t ever seem to do relationships I’ve been with more guys that girls and now I’m just “searching” for girls but sex and relationships just don’t ever come into the equation. Eveyone around me is growing up and getting married or having kids and I’m just happy on my own taking to the occasional woman. I’m 23 years old and I jjst don’t get it. I’ve never had a serious relationship, and my most recent was with a woman where I ended it because I was just like meh just mates no attraction and when we had sex it was just me doing things. Any advice hha is something wrong with me!

    • I am asexual. When I was younger I went through phases of thinking i was gay or bisexual or pan because if I didn’t find men sexy I couldn’t be straight. A while back I took a what is your sexuality quiz. I discovered asexuality and I thought that’s what I am. People can be attractive I’m just not attracted. Maybe one day I’ll date or get married, but to someone who understands that I am asexual or is one themselfs.

    • Wow…the word ‘hot?’ I’ve felt the same way for so long.i thought I was just being my regular weird self but the other stuff on your list really hit home.
      I do have to.say that this not caring about sex didnt used to bother me but these days I felt abnormal…ive never met anyone who.feels the way I do…its really great

    • I am for sure Asexual and it’s hard to make friends; men are always hitting on me and it PISSES ME OFF; I tried to make friend and put “hang out” as my interest on both sides on POF site and people just want to hook up and stuff, it’s gross and besides NOBODY IS GOOD LOOKIN, so why would i want anything yucky rubbing all on me EEEEYEUUWWW, I have 3 kids and i was drunk every time i got knocked up! i have in the past been w/ both sexes that i felt a physical connection with but it was only a phase or a short relationship that never lasted…it’s really not for me…and I HATED SHARING A BED, that’s the worst!

    • I agree. I can say, (since I’m heteroromantic) this man is handsome, that man is handsome. I also have celebrity crushes, BUT that doesn’t mean I want to immediately jump into bed with them. In fact, when I was younger, I knew some teen girls who had a celebrity crush on a band member. One girl said she’d like to take his pants off, or down or whatever and I didn’t say “oh yeah me too” or “I want to do xyz with him” my first instinct was “show this guy some respect, that’s not very nice.” And I am not that picky with looks either. Personality and connection mostly dictate how I feel about a person, the looks are just the nice packaging in a way.

    • what you say about the “hot” part is soo true. I think pretty is a better word for me to describe people than hot.

    • I’m a 21 year old lesbian that’s been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost four years and we’ve never had sex. When people talk about sex I get so uncomfortable because I’m afraid they’ll ask me about my sex life. When I say I’ve never had sex, especially after talking about my girlfriend, people lose their minds. They say “but you’ve been together for four years!” And “why not though?” When I told my doctor I’m not sexually active despite having a girlfriend she started questioning me and making me feel like there was something seriously wrong with me. I feel broken. I wish I wanted to have sex and I’ve tried to force myself to but it just freaks me out. People online say my fear is a trauma response but I’ve never been sexually assaulted! I told my friend about my issues with sex and she insisted that I’m not asexual and that there’s just some unresolved trauma I have to deal with. It also doesn’t help that a large portion of the LGBT community seems to hate ace people. I feel like when I’m around other gay people I can be myself and talk freely about being gay until the topic of sex comes up. I’m tired of faking sexual activeness. I’m tired of hating myself for being this way. I feel so broken and I wish I had asexual friends so I didn’t feel like such a freak. Sorry I’m venting I just have no one to talk to.

  2. As I am trying to understand and find a personal label for my sexuality (insert other appropriate words here) this is definitely coming at a very good time.

    And may I presume you identify as male because much of your post hints at this, specifically the “bachelor party” thing and “straight” talk about you trying to date women? I ask because I am gender neutral so I often don’t get either side of the binary coin, which makes life even more convoluted and difficult (but fun too.)

    • The last sentence should also have said… I ask because I am gender neutral so I don’t “get” either side of the binary coin, but some examples you mentioned are specifically male/man/etc.

      • Yes, I am a cis-male, so all of my personal experiences are coming from that perspective. That frame of reference unfortunately also tends to color many of my non-specific examples, so even though I try not to be cis-centric, it’ll sometimes unintentionally bleed through.

  3. Pingback: Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 2: About Sex | Asexuality Archive

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  5. I love what you wrote, because it completely describes me! Especially the scientific thing. This helped me a lot with understanding.

  6. This defiently describes me. Especially the “straight default.” I knew I didn’t like guys but at the same time I certainly didn’t like girls. So no gay, lesbian, bi or any other combinations. So I stuck myself with “straight.” I DON’T LIKE ANYONE. I just see people. I don’t see “hot” “cute” “beautiful” etc. People look “nice” is my word for it. I only used “hot, pretty, sexy” etc. for describing people by DEFINITION. The world see them as that. Not I.

    I do see sex as an alien. I ignore people when it is spoken. I would only talk about it base on my dislikings of it. And that’s ONLY through someone asking my opinion. Or I crack a joke through my opinion. But most of the times I keep quiet because people have a positive opinion on sex and they feel embarrassed to talk about it when I’m really open about disliking it.

    Also I find porn unappealing too. I was curious on how sex when I was in 6th grade. So I watched porn. I got my answer. Just several weeks ago I was searching some info on women’s sex health and that got me in the mood to watch porn. I watched it but I had no sexual thought. I was just watching blankly. My heart did race but ONLY because I was scared that I was watching porn . I wasn’t turned on. Every time I watched it 30sec-2 mins I stopped the video feeling disappointed. I watched another 10min. Disappointed. Still staring and thinking blankly. I concluded porn is just boring {you’re seeing the see stuff} and I’m not curious anymore. Why should I waste my time trying to see if I “feel ” anything while watching it? I feel nothing. UNAPPEALING. I question more about them doing it than watching the sex. Similar to when you were trying to figure out the mechanics and positioning. I really try to figure out why people like this stuff.

    I totally heard my head said “I think and feel this way Too!!! I thought it was just me!” THANK YOU SO MUCH^^ Seriously Thank You^^

    Btw: I am 19, female^^

  7. Hi.I am trying to find out if I am asexual,gay or I just dont like my boyfriend.I ‘looked’for a bf on a dating site when I was 27..I liked the feeling of dating,but Ivw never been very sexual.As a teenager I used to have sexual needs and even masturbate,ocassionaly,porn would turn me on,so I am confused if I could b asexual? I can relate somehow to some of the experiences in the post and I could live without sex,but sometimes I feel a need.So.confused.

    • Hello, thank you, I feel like you are describing me, its world shaking to know that there is some one out there with this confusion. Thank you

    • I consider myself asexual. And I have never been sexually attracted to anyone (or in love, but I think that one will come someday). I don’t masturbate, but I read erotica and stuff that have no real human beings in it. And once in a while I get this need to watch it, and that is what I call my ‘sex drive’. :) Asexuals can have a sex drive, it’s usually very low though – like mine! – they just don’t have it directed at someone, but they can still invite someone to be with (physically). Am I making sense?
      Anyway, I don’t think your questions says you’re against being asexual. The question you have to ask yourself is, have I ever wanted to bang someone? … Yeah… *cough*
      I hope I help somewhat at least. ^ ^”

      • Okay so recently someone accidently diagnosed (I know that’s not the correct word I just can’t think of it) me as asexual. Once we elaborated on it, I was questioning and came to the conclusion that I may be asexual because i’ve also relooked over past relationhips and experiences and current experienes a it makes sense really. It’s kind of complicated but to put it in simpler terms I experience sexual attraction and romantic feeling but not together. It’s like I experience sexual attraction with no romantic ideal at all or feelings but entirely uninterested in anything sexual. After this, someone argued that I was not asexual because of this and I don’t know where I fit really. Someone help please?

        • I think you are more of simply a person who may have commitment issues. If you have sexual attraction, and enjoy sex with another person, you are not asexual. I have always felt urges, but I know not nearly as often as others, and it is never with the desire to BE with another person physically. I have also always been germaphobic, I don’t like anyone too close in my personal space, touching, talking close, etc.

  8. i am a 24 year old girl married to a 30 year old man seven months ago.
    the problem is that we have never had an intercourse though fore play has happened several times.
    when it comes to intercourse my husband says that he is stressed out, tired, intercourse should happen after understanding each other and so on….
    now i feel that he is asexual but i am not very sure. he masturbates and asks me to masturbate that is give him a blow job and hand job very rarely

    • A refusal to have sex with you doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s asexual. Maybe he’s asexual, maybe he’s actually stressed out, maybe he’s gay, maybe he’s got performance anxiety, maybe he doesn’t want children, maybe he thinks sex is “dirty”. The only way to find out what’s going on is to talk to him about it. (Preferably in a non-confrontational manner, outside of the bedroom.)

      • i have tried talking to him but in vein. he might have performance anxiety or he may be feeling that sex is dirty cos he runs to the bathroom when he feels that the sperms are getting released and he may be stressed out but can stress keep him away from me for 7 months. when i talked to him he says it is all secondary in a marriage. so i tried talking to his mom about this who stays with us, she also supported him saying that i am crazy about it and sex is all secondary. when i asked them what is primary my in laws and husband says it is love care and understanding which comes first. they are demanding for money also its as though my n laws will not allow us to be happy with him till i give money to them

  9. I am unsure what I am, I can’t be gay/bisexual as I don’t like the same sex but I can identify if someone is good looking. I don’t like the subject of sex. I pretend flirt with my fellow girlfriends because that’s just what we do as a group. I always say, I’d tap that as an expression, but I actually mean like I’d like to get to know him he seems cool and I’d like to date a guy but never do anything. I don’t know weither I’m just ignoring the fact because I’m supposively “sweet and inoccent” or weither I am asexual. I am just so confused because I like the thought of kissing but not hugging…, but not even the idea of sex either, it confuses me and its really unnessicary. Help?

    • I’m sorry I can’t help you, but I just want you to know that I can totally relate. I’ll joke around like that with my friends too, but I don’t actually want to engage in any sexual activity with that person. Just wanted to let you know, you’re not the only one.

    • Well, a lot of asexuals can still identify if someone IS attractive they just don’t FIND them attractive. This is usually known as aesthetic appreciation where you think that someone is pretty but aren’t sexually attracted. Also people can be asexual but have a different romantic orientation so someone might be asexual but heteroromantic because they are romantically attracted to them. Some people are however are both asexual and aromatic.

    • Same! I keep getting told I am “just sheltered.” Just so that you know, if you have no interest in sex, you might be ace. Here is a really good way to tell if you should look into that possibility: Random Siper Hot person X walks up to you and says, “You’re hot. Wanna have sex?” If your answer is yes, you probably aren’t ace. If your answer is no, you might be. Either that or you are super responsible. Please note that I said probably. This may not work for everyone, but it worked for me.

  10. Wtf…
    This article just kind of blew my mind. I’ve always wondered why… I wasn’t like… Chasing girls like my friends. The first time I had sex, I faked an orgasm because I just wanted it to end. It feels weird/awkward for me, I think other men are barbaric most of the time. Not that I have never enjoyed sex, it was pretty ok, like once… Over ten years ago. I’ve experimented with men because I thought I was gay, that felt even weirder. Because at least woman are soft and smell nice… Wtf. This sucks. This is not fun for me at all… There have been woman that I loved… and because j didn pursue sex it ended. There has got to be a hormone treatment or something for this. I like woman, and I find them attractive… But it’s more that I want be near them, than have sex with them. The pleasure I do get out of sex, is just because I feel like I am giving my partner what they want, and making them feel good (for this reason, I typically prefer to just give
    Woman oral) I do sincerely enjoy kissing… Oh fucking damnit. There has got to be a biological reason/cause for this… I don’t want to hear that I’m “just wired that way” I want to be rewired… No woman I have ever been interested in, is ok with not having sex…

    • I just want to say thanks, these exact same thoughts have been churning and burning in my head for years, recently I have started to think maybe some thing was seriously odd in my head or with me, but it is an incredible feeling to know some one else out there is the same.

      Many Thanks


    • I am, honey. ;) I loathe the idea of sex, but i respect other peoples’ need to have it. am a virgin. except for the curious day when i do if ever have sex for the only time, i will remain so until death. I just don’t feel it. PLUS I am afraid, becaue my parts are REALLLLY TINYYYYYY. But I have never been interested in sex. i had urges for like, one year, and then they died.and that’s perfectly alright with me. ;) you’ll find someone sweetheart! keep looking, or take care of yourself for awhile! ;))) I write slash sometimes… but i am uninterested in sex except in the academic sense. textbook asexual, I guess!

    • you don’t need rewiring! it’s perfectly okay, just look for an asexual woman. like you said, no one you have been interested in was okay with it, but asexual women are out there (such as myself) and I’m sure you can find someone you like someday.

    • I completely understand what you mean about sex being about making the other person feel good. For a while I thought I was a misogynist thinking so. I also tend to stick to oral and nothing more. I’m still very young so I hope that I’ll be able to find someone who is okay with how I am. I’m honestly now just really glad that I can say “I am this” instead of making guys feel like they were unable to *please* me.

    • I am a gay man. I have had a husband for 25 years now. I am madly in love. HOWEVER, sex has *never, ever* been a huge issue for us. We have had sex…but each time it was over, I always said to myself, “What’s the big deal about that? It’s not really that great…” The sex was never a bad reflection of him, it was simply my lack of interest in it. Oddly, when he and I simply watch a movie together, and we kiss a bit, it’s MUCH more of a turnoff than full on sex.

      Thank you for this article. It explains a ton about why I am simply not a sex driven person at all. At all. :-)

  11. Is it possible to be allergic to sexual relationships? I’ve tried a few times and it only lasts a few days because I always get this headache and I feel sick. Like I ate something bad. No skin conditions though. So I don’t know if allergic is the way to describe it. It just makes me feel sick.

    • I had something similar. One time a guy was about to ask me out over facebook and I just started freaking out and steered the conversation away. I just don’t understand the rules for dating! What do you say, how do you act, it’s all so confusing

    • I don’t know, but I’ve been researching a lot lately and I read that there are asexuals who are grossed out by the mere thought of it, so maybe it’s this psychosomatic thing? I’m fairly certain that you could find information about this online.

  12. Pingback: Like an asexual - GameFront Forums

  13. This article has cleared up so much for me. For a while I thought I was bi, because I could judge someone’s attractiveness regardless of gender. Then I realized that the thought of having to become sexually intimate with someone grossed me out and scared me, and I worried about stuff like how we would interact afterwards.
    When I started going out with my current boyfriend, I remember mostly wanting our make-out sessions and the like to end. There was always a part of me that was watching the clock, even if I felt some pleasure from the experience. It always seemed like an interruption – we’d be talking about video games and shows and things and then he’d start making moves and I’d just think “great, now I’m gonna forget what I wanted to show him”.
    I also noticed that, whenever I became friends with guys, it was always very platonic. Nothing made me happier than one of my friends called me “practically one of the guys”, because being brozoned meant I didn’t need to worry about them trying to reach a relationship with me that was anything but friendly.

    • Oh my God you just described me perfectly. I thought I was bi too, just because I could look at people regardless of gender and go, “They’re pretty.” But I have literally no idea how sex and love correlate AT ALL. It just seems so strange. Like, how are those two things related in any way? And I totally 100% agree with the whole bro-zone thing! I love it when that happens.
      The only problems I have is when (for example with my ex) people I’m with start touching me and wanting to hold me all the time… I can’t deal with that, and I really kind of hate it. It seems so unnecessary and I don’t want people in my personal space unless we are alone, or doing something nice, like snuggling and watching T.V. And I never got the point of Netflix and Chill. From my point of view, it makes sense for you to actually… I don’t know, watch the movie? Especially if it’s a good movie. It’s sort of like, come on, stop trying to touch my boob. I wanna watch Star Wars.
      And when I watch porn, I’m just thinking things, “That looks so uncomfortable. Why are they on the floor? There’s literally a bed right there. And why is she wearing those fake nails? They’re just unrealistically long; she probably can’t do anything with her hands.”
      I’m so happy I finally found something that describes me. The only problem is, the entire world is just so focused on sex I feel like I’ll never find a person that’s ok with just being with me- without all the unnecessary physical stuff. :( But being on forums like this make me think I might find somone.
      Now I have to figure out a way to (eventually) break it to my straight white Christian family where I’m expected to have about three kids and get married by college. This ought to be interesting.

    • This is me (except for the relationship part, because I’ve never been in one). I like girls, and I find some porn arousing, but I could never imagine doing those things with anyone else. Am I ace or demi? Is there a ‘none of the above’ for this? I feel broken.

  14. I feel so much better after reading this. For almost a year, I was so confused as to what my sexuality was. I mostly like guys, but I never really thought they were hot or sexually attractive. I don’t have any preferences when it comes to looks. As long as he’s a nice guy, he’s all right with me.

    For a long time I thought I was bisexual. I constantly worried over what other people were saying and tried to fit in with their descriptions and labels. I found people attractive according to their personalities rather than their looks. For instance, I had the hugest crush on a guy who other people said had a unibrow, was too skinny, and had horrible acne. I was shocked when I realized that other people thought he was ugly. To this day, I still consider him one of the nicest people I know.

    After I discovered asexuality, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, although I still had some doubts. I asked a friend if she’d ever heard of it and she vehemently claimed there was no such thing, which upset me, since she had always been a nice, open, easy-going person. But after finding this forum/blog/whatever you want to call it, I feel much better about everything. I can relate to so many of the things you mentioned.

    Thanks :) It feels great to know that you’re not the only one and that there’s always a bright side to a seemingly hopeless situation.

    • In my case, sex was physically pleasurable, and I did experience orgasms. I just felt like I was outside the process somehow and didn’t really connect with it, despite it physically feeling good.
      However, some other aces have said that they do not have orgasms or experience physical please during sex.
      For more, read here: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/an-asexual-on-sex/

      • exactly, it can feel OK but it always felt more like work than pleasure. You watch yourself going through the motions from ‘outside’.
        It annoyed me when my partner kept insisting to know ‘what I would like’ or that I ‘have my orgasm first’. All I really wanted was for it to be over, and orgasms happened very rarely because I was not particularly ‘involved’ in the situation.
        The only real ‘pleasure’ from it was making my partner happy…

    • Yeah wow no there are plenty of asexual people who have sex for various reasons and being asexual does NOT go hand in hand with having nerve damage or anything like that. Sex can still be pleasurable, but often isn’t because a lot of the pleasure comes from enthusiasm most asexual people do not have for sex. I never get why people ask if asexual people can’t enjoy sex like ???? Did you not read the definition that just says DOES NOT EXPERIENCE SEXUAL ATTRACTION ?? That’s it that’s all it is.

  15. Thanks for this article, it really did help understand some of the ideas asexual people have. I don’t really know if I am asexual – I’ve never dated (I’m 16), but it could just be because I haven’t found anyone I want to date. I think I would like to have sex one day, just to see what it’s like, but I could easily go my whole life without sex (I think). I’m quite confused about it. . . anyone have any ideas?

    • I feel similarly. I’ve also never been in a relationship, also because I’ve never found anyone I’d like to date. I definitely have a sex drive, but it’s never been connected to an attraction to a person, and I’ve never felt the need to satisfy myself with another person. I’m pretty sure that I’m asexual, because I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone, and it sounds like you are too, but you need to be able to tell for yourself from the information you can find.

      • THANK YOU!!! You just explained everything:) i’ve never been in a relationship, never really wanted too but I still have urges sometimes but again, not connected to anyone just hormonal stuff. I’m 17 and most of my friends are in relationships and have lost their virginities a LONG time ago and im just like “hey I love my horse”. I do love the idea of hugging and being emotionally close with someone but i’ve been kissed before and hated it just because i felt nothing in my heart and I have no intentions of actually having sex anytime soon.
        Also, i have read 50 shades of Grey and its my #2 favourite book series but only because it actually has an incredible love story in it. Whenever there was a sex scene i got bored and just skipped to after because it was taking up too much of the story:P and when i read stories or books with sex in them i usually get really squeamish and uncomfortable with the idea and think “why do they need to have sex when warm bear hugs seem so much better?”
        So again, THANK YOU for describing me:)

    • Asexual people still feel romantic attraction. Y’all sound like you’re aromantic, which you may be able to figure means “does not experience romantic attraction”. The two are completely separate and you can be one and not the other.

      • there are people who are both aromantic and asexual like i am, its fine if people are asexual but romantic
        and heterosexual but aromantic
        im both asexual and aromantic and this got me saying all of this, im saying that people cant be forced to love
        and they cant be hated because of the way they are

    • I’ve never had a crush. ( I think) I used to say that I had crushes but I think I just said that because everyone else was talking about it. I’m not sure about my sexuality and I’ve only started researching Asexuality today after a friend mentioned that I might be an ace. I’ve read about it, taken quizzes, all of that stuff and I still don’t know. I feel like everyone at school is so certain about their sexuality. Someday I want to have kids but I think that sex is kind of disgusting. Even writing the word makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know what arousal feels like and I’m just really confused. I think I can tell if people are not or not but I might just be using the stereotypical or defined by tv and movies. I will sometimes imagine people named but I will feel no sexual desire and just be disgusted by the thought. Does this mean I am Asexual?

  16. Just like with several of the other comments, I have no interest in sex either. I’ve never been able to flirt (my kindness should NEVER be taken as flirting!) and whenever the subject of sex gets brought up, I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I kept thinking that, hey, I’m 19 years old here…sex shouldn’t be creepin me out anymore!…but it still does. I personally don’t have a problem with masturbation, but I’ve never felt the need to take out my “urges” on someone else.

    I feel that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are completely different. Romantic is who you fall in love with and sexual is who you would have sex with. I identify as a Panromantic Asexual, meaning that I fall in love with people and personalities (not gender), but I’m not sexually attracted to any gender. But yeah, all in all, I don’t need sex to live. I’m perfectly fine with still being a virgin even when I die. I fail to understand society’s crazed and stressed importance over the loss of virginity. Eh, there’s a lot I don’t understand. :)

    • That’s awesome. You just completely described me :) I always felt so out of place and awkward when there was ever a sex scene or even kissing in a movie, book, anime, manga, etc. I think I may also be a Panromantic Asexual based on what I’ve read on personal posts like these and clinical articles. When my parents asked me who/what I thought was cute I didn’t have an answer for physical cuteness, just personality. There are certain physical features that look good together because they contrast with each other so much or are really excentric, but none that I would call “cute”. I’ve never understood why people feel the need to be bf/gf.

  17. Hm. After surfing the web I came across a website about females in relationship with asexual man. I became very shocked.
    I have always thought that I did not think about sex because I was a female and females are biochemically different from males hence the lack of sex drive.

    But here I am reading their individual stories about depression, break ups, and divorces due to a lack of sex life. And all I could do is stare in befuddlement and ask why is sex so important?

    And right now all I can chalk up is natural selection: people with sex drive are more likely to reproduce. I am proud of my answer but I feel a bit disturbed as I realize this is not a common answer.

    So I have decided to abstain from my reading of rated m content to see if I begin fantasizing about sex or look at somebody sexually. If I don’t see any alteration in my behavior than I think I may have to conclude that I am asexual.

    Despite the article, I am still very skeptical about the behaviors of the majority described by the author. Honestly I have always thought 80-90% if somebody said “I would hit that” it was a joke. Call me obstinate but I still think it is true.

  18. xD Now that I think about it, I seriously didn’t realize pretty much the only reason I think about sex is to figure out the mechanics of it and how it’s supposed to work. And that’s for writing for my characters if they ever actually got around to that sort of thing. Which, you know, I personally never see myself having that sort of a relationship with anyone, but I still love watching people fall in love and kiss and just be happy together. I don’t really care about the sex part, I just love cute couples.

    It’s a little sad, but I’m beginning to wonder if I’d even like kissing. I mean, I love to watch the characters I’m rooting for finally kiss, but I really don’t know if I’d enjoy it myself. Then again, being a demiromantic asexual, I’ve never gotten close enough to someone to get kissed anyhow. I have two very close, very dear friends. But I don’t feel a romantic pull towards either of them.

    I do wonder if the fact I’ve never dated stems from my mistrust of people (guys specifically) from when I was in high school and constantly bullied (mixed with my social anxiety), or if I really just have never met someone I could see myself getting a long with enough to date them. When it boils down to it, I think it’s a mixture of both, but I’m still not entirely sure.

  19. I have been in a relationship for the past 18yrs he was my first sexual partner, but from the very start I have not been a very sexual person I feel I ave just had sex because I know that’s what he needs, in the past 6-7wks we have been having relationship problems and there has been things that have come out about myself and my interest in sex that is now sort of making sence after reading the article and comments I think that I may be Asexuality I would be happy to go the rest of my life not having sex and it would not bother me when I try to have sex or even pleasure my partner with a hand job I get very nervous and start to shake and even cry because I try to fight the feelings. It seems to have got worse in the last 4-5 weeks since we have been having relationship problems.
    I just wish someone could just tell me what’s wrong because I’m very confused.
    Thanks for listening

    • There’s nothing wrong with you or anyone else on this blog, be it late bloomer, lack of experience, sexual anxiety, traumatization, or you very well are asexual. It sounds to me as though your partner is “pressuring” you and if there are issues in the physical contact department for you or anyone else for that matter it intensifies the problem…I have this image of a girl sobbing with a penis in her hands in my head reading your post, very disturbing to me…as the male it’d make me feel like I was forcing you or some kind of rapist pervert. I wish people were able to connect more and be understanding but in truth mankind is self indulgent and selfish, anger is used to mask our feelings of ackwardness and insecurities when we can’t open up. I’m so sorry but if you love this guy but can’t shake the feeling he’s some kind of “nympho”; if you will, get out as quick as possible, this is a toxic relationship and he’ll surely seek release else where breaking your heart and trust. Whatever happens or what ever you decide Sweet Heart please don’t blame inward, there’s nothing wrong with you. Take care

      • Wow, I wish I would have had someone give me that advice. There is truth in your words, sir. I had a sheltered childhood. I didn’t know I had a choice. I assumed it was expected. It’s not. You do have a choice.
        best wishes,

  20. I can relate to a lot of things that have been said in the three posts. I used to think I just wasn’t interested in it because of my aspergers (an autistic spectrum disorder). I just kept thinking it will come later, I’m just a little slow. I just figured for a long time that maybe the aspergers was the problem. But the more and more I read about asexuality, the more I think I was wrong. I’m 20 and I still don’t think about sex or desire it. I love my boyfriend, but my idea of showing love has nothing to do with sex. If I envision something romantic, there is no sex involved. I think of cuddling on the couch and watching movies or sitting on a beach watching the sun set. I’ve also never felt comfortable with the words sexy or hot, only I never pretended to be. I just told people flat out that I didn’t like the words and that I didn’t think of anyone as hot. Hot just means you have a temperature to me.
    I never thought there were other people that felt like me. I certainly didn’t think there was an actual name for it. People say bi, gay, straight, transgender, etc, but no one ever really says anything about asexual.

    • Its nice knowing others think the way I do. for example the perfect date would be cuddling and not having sex at all. I am not 20 am 15 but still iv been this way cince I was little I didn’t like being touched or held iv gotten a little better cince then. society today just makes us think relationships are sex but that’s not true I can be with someone with out doing “it”

  21. THANK YOU!!! I’ve been trying to ignore the whole LBGTQ issue, because none of it made sense to me. I didn’t realize what a libido was until high school, and even then it was as an abstract concept more than anything else. Sex in general is an awkward topic for me, not because I’m ‘repressed’, but because I didn’t get what the whole fuss is about. I don’t find either gender attractive in *that* way, and with the people that surround me, well…I’ve put off labeling myself for a while because I simply didn’t find anything that came close to fitting. It’s like the vegetarian-steak-chicken thing, I guess. Anyway, thanks for this post! I just discovered this website, and it’s already cleared up a lot of things for me. Again, thanks!!!

  22. I have the hardest time paying attention, i’ll try to think dirty before going to bed but i think its more effort than i have. I always end up day dreaming about other stuff. And there is no man/woman barriers for me, women bother me because in movies i cant figure out why they wont throw a punch or be calm. Gender roles mean very little to me in personality terms. I love anthropology and tend to even think of love and the desire to mate as a biological function that inhibits day to day life and drive sitcoms. I have some cross overs and can enjoy a good bro-mance or romance or whatever but thinking of me in any context with another person other than emotions puts me off..i dont know.

  23. I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship but just with the hugging and kissing and watching movies together. Things I view as ‘coupley’ stuff. I think there were two times in my life that I actually wanted to have sex. Every other time was because it felt like it was what I was supposed to do. My daughters father wanted me to go see a doctor or something because he thought there was something seriously wrong with me.
    I just never understood what the big fuss was. Yes, I find guys physically attractive and there have been ones I would have liked to get to know better and spend time with but if someone looks even remotely interested in me I freak because “no one wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to have sex. Ever.” At least that’s what happens in my head.
    The point above about going for long periods without sex had me nodding along. I haven’t had it for a number of years it doesn’t bother me. If I happen to mention it to anyone, I get something like “You’ll find someone.”

    Whatever label is put on me, I’m just glad there are others who seem similar to me.

  24. It always made me feel weird/uncomfortable when men would “talk dirty” to me. I thought it was because I’m a fairly straight laced girl and always have enjoyed being complimented on my brain more than my looks and hate feeling objectified. I have wanted sex before, but i didn’t have an urge below the belt. It was more like I wanted the guy to want to have sex with me because that was proof to me that he found me desirable. When he would be aloof to me, that was when I wanted it more.

    Since being a young girl, I’ve had a fetish that caused me to want to masturbate, but I didn’t associate that with sexual urges until late in high school. I’ve often just thought that I caused myself to wire strangely by not associating those feelings that I would experience when being exposed to the fetish (something people do of either gender but not considered sexual at all to most people) to sex. I am confused because the definition of a fetish, I believe, is something required to get off, so I’d qualify with that as possibly not asexual, but just requiring a fetish to get off. However, usually, during sex, I am just waiting for it to be over. I don’t know if I’ve ever enjoyed it except when it is quick and I am in a passive position.

    I have been thinking about these things a lot in the past few weeks because i started seeing a guy who treats me really great, and I am enjoying cuddling and he is fine with sex happening slowly, but I began to put everything together and suspect I am asexual (or at least fetish dependent, and I don’t see myself admitting the fetish to a partner). Always before I assumed that I just lost interest/attraction in people once they were into me; I feared I was a bit of a player, but as I’ve been learning about asexuality, I fear there is a good chance my lack of desire is that, so I’ve been hit hard with the realization that I will likely be single because sex is such a big part of a relationship for most people. I am in my late 30s, and if it turns out I really am asexual, I want to be true to myself. I have a big romantic drive, get obsessed over men and love the anticipation of someone I like paying attention to me or getting to know them. I love the idea of a partnership, so maybe I will investigate online asexual dating? It’s a shock to the system and makes me cry. I always thought I was straight.

    • Dear Ms Delphi,
      *hugs* you are who you are in whatever form that is, and that is beautiful. I’m sorry I can’t help you in regards to fetish stuff. If like to start off by saying I hope you take my words with a grain of salt. You /can/ be asexual and still be straight. This depends how you define the latter, though. For example, one can be asexual but be interested in cuddling with people of the same gender or any combination therein. This would be their /romantic/ orientation, not their /sexual/ orientation.

    • Meh, touch screens…
      I hope you don’t mind me jumping in. I just found what you said to be really touching. I also wonder if I am this way b/c of my upbringing. I suppose that doesn’t matter in the end; all that matters is now.
      best wishes,

  25. So, do you have to have had sex to know if you’d enjoy it despite feeling no urge to? My friends tell me I have to try it before judging my sexuality, but why? After reading this I think that the lack of that urge is what it means to be ace (or grace or demi), but is that true?
    I’ve been taught that the reason I don’t want to have sex, or don’t act like it, is because I’m female and stereotypically women are not supposed to want sex. But when I compare myself to my horny friend and promiscuous acquaintances I wonder if that’s true. I’ve only ever had one real boyfriend so people assume I’m straight but not promiscuous, but that’s only because he asked me out and I thought he was cute so assumed I’d have to try dating someone to see if I liked it or not.
    So does that mean I’m asexual but panromantic? ‘Cause even my bi-friend gets confused when I explain it to her. Or do I have to try sex to know if I’d like it (like dating, which I don’t particularly enjoy).

    • i feel the same as you and my friends have said the same to me i have had a boyfriend this was about 2 years ago and im now 18 nearly 19 he would touch me and i would just get annoyed, normally when we were trying to watch a film which would annoy me even more needless to say is didn’t last long as he obviously had a high sex drive and i wasn’t even bothered (this was before i had herd of asexuality) so we didn’t have sex and i still haven’t and my friends have been telling me that i need to try it before decide i don’t want to or what i’m into but i am bi by i do just like hanging out with people i don’t want anything to happen, i don’t even like meeting anyone any more because they always assume that i want to have sex or that i already have.
      hope this helps you no that your not the only one one day we will know what we are or that there will be someone that understands us who would just want to hang out and not do anything else

      • Lauren- same thing happened to me- before I realized that I was ace homoromantic, I had this ridiculous idea that EVERYONE had sex all the time. Mostly because my parents are highly sexual people, and they told me that that was how everyone was. I’m homeschooled, so, being the idiot I was, I believed them. I wanted to make my either-sex-or-video-games boyfriend, so I would have sex with him, but I was never ‘in the mood.’ He would give my almost constant physical arousal, but he was the only one who had orgasms. He would randomly slap my butt, feel my breasts randomly, etc…. and now, my parents are using this past relationship as ‘proof’ that I’m not ace. They said that they won’t believe me until I’ve been ace for over 6 months…….really not cool. I hope all of you don’t have to deal with partners who expect a ridiculous amount of sexual reciprocation. Unless you wish, that is. I have an ace relationship with this cute biromantic girl, and our relationship is fun, cute, and happy. And I ask before I kiss her, because she asked me to. And I’ll respect her wishes, because a) She happy=me happy, and b) because she had a pretty traumatizing relationship before me, so….. don’t want her to go through more of that.

  26. So much of this relates to me.
    “You think of sex in anthropological or scientific terms, rather than romantic or erotic terms” describes me exactly. I’m super interested in sex… but not in the way most people are. I study it in University and want to learn as much about it as I can, and even help other people understand their own sexuality and bodies. But I’m not at all interested in sex or relationships for myself. I’ve never had a sex dream, and I’ve only been on one date in my life, and even though it went super well, I cried in the car on the way home, vowing never to do it again because it just felt so fundamentally wrong for me. I’m a bit odd in the sense that I really love sex scenes, I have my unique kinks and I love reading erotic fanfiction and I watch porn sometimes, and I enjoy it. I get aroused by it, but fantasies never include myself, and it never leaves me wanting to have sex. I get enjoyment out of other people’s pleasure, I guess. Imagining myself in sexual situations does absolutely nothing for me. It’s the same with romantic story lines and couples. I can get butterflies and kickyfeet when my favourite couple kisses, and I get invested in their relationship, but again, I don’t want it for myself.

    Growing up a had an absolute HELL of a time figuring out who I was. I spent years in fear that I was different, and thought I was gay. I thought I was bi, because I didn’t feel any different about girls that I did about boys… but that was because I wasn’t feeling anything for either! I’ve had one boyfriend who I was romantically attracted to, but never sexually. He’s the only person I’ve ever felt romantic attraction to, so I consider myself grey-aromantic. I can remember being surprised that girls thought about sex. I thought I was normal, because I was taught that girls didn’t think about sex as much as guys did. But as I got older, and started finding out that wasn’t really true, I started to wonder what was wrong with me. I’m so happy I’m alive in a time where Asexuality is starting to be understood, and talked about.

    • ok, FINALLY i’ve found someone who thinks like me. i know you probally won’t see my answer since your commentary is from 2013, but i just couldn’t help and answer it because i felt SO represented.

      i really do enjoy to watch and read about romantic relationships and i also do like it when they become physical, but i just can’t seem to want the same thing for me. i watch tv shows and feel happy when my fav couple gets a bed scene, but the personal thought of it disgusts me. i thought i was just being really weird but i’m glad other people feel the same way as i do.

      i’ve felt so represented by many things people said here. actually, i think i’m going throught the “am i bi?” phase, because i do know when someone is attractive but it just stops there (lately, women seem more attractive than men, but idk). i see people getting all worked up about celebrities, making sexual commentaries about them, and i feel like i just can’t really relate to any of it.

      i feel really insecure about my thoughts since i’ve never even kissed (or even liked) anyone. i do feel curious to try it, to see if people are not exaggerating about those things, but at the same time i think that things will just remain the same even if i try.

      i still have so many things to learn about myself and i don’t really know how to.

  27. So much of this relates to me, and it’s really helpful, so thank you for that. The one thing that was different was that instead of assuming I was straight “by default,” I thought I was pan because it didn’t matter to me either way- I found people aesthetically pleasing regardless of gender, so I thought that that meant I didn’t have a preference sexually, even though I just wasn’t feeling any sexual attraction. Also, I’ve often seen sex as a thing that other people do, which is fine for them, but if I was involved in a sexual situation it would be uncomfortable, awkward, and I would not know what to do. However, reading about other people having sex seemed perfectly fine because it didn’t involve me participating, which sort of hindered the realization that I was asexual.
    Your posts have really helped me better understand myself, and this is all so relatable, so thanks again.

  28. This is so me! I always thought everone else was weird for thinking about sex all the time! I am starting to think about sex, but out of curiosity more than anything. I just don’t get why everyone seems to want to date, kiss, have sex. My head has never worked THAT way, so I don’t get the dirty jokes or innuendoes, until 30 seconds after I give my friends an opening. All through high school, I wondered why my friends were obsessed with dating. Through college, I wondered why my friends were obsessed with sex. I just never understood WHY you would want to do any of it. I have felt slight attraction to guys, so I fit the straight discription, but I’ve never felt more other than he’s cute.

  29. Im recently divorced after 38 yrs. In my teens I was attracted to guys. But if it would go beyond kissing I would stop any further advancements. I did have sex only because it was expected in my time. Always thought way get all dressed up just to mess it all up. I did like the closeness. But hated the sex. I married because it was expected of me in a small southern town.

    Fastforward to now. My husband had an affair for 10 yrs. I had no idea because not having sex was great for me. Never needed or wanted sex. We were best friends and I love him. I had sex just for him but never liked it. I felt sorry for him because he tried so hard to please me.

    We divorced because he felt he passion before he couldn’t.

    I. Was curious what asexual was and there I was. I really want to tell my x it was me not him. But feel so guilty. I faked orgasms just to get sex over with. If I told him now he would know what a lier I’ve been.
    So thankful I found this. So glad the younger are allowed their freedom to express things. I wasn’t.

  30. Never had sex. Been in a long term relationship but when it got to that stage I never wanted it. I loved him and felt attraction towards him but never wanted sex or intimacy with him. Kissing was okay but I never instigated it. I’m unsure whether we just weren’t right for one another or not. He would always try to take things further but I always stopped him, he’s the only male I’ve ever been in a relationship with.

  31. Thank you for this post! I appreciate that you made it clear that not all asexuals are aromantic, even if you didn’t use those words. (There’s nothing wrong with aromanticism, but a lot of people assume it means the same thing as asexual.) I’m a female who has pretty much identified as ace for a few years now, but I’ve always questioned if I was really asexual because I still felt romantically attracted to guys. Only recently did I start reading up on the difference between asexual and aromantic, and between a few other sources and this article, I no longer feel like a fake asexual for wanting romance but not sex.

    • I’m still at college and I’ve never ever have sex . I don’t like chicken I would just want a little cake and tea. I can’t watch movies or programs with sexual stuff and abuse IT make me very uncomfortable!!
      I don’t like to be touched because of my ASD
      I haven’t been in a long term relationship yet..
      Ive had on and off but he got a bit violence and had mental health issues.
      I let go of him because holding on was painful. I try to stop him jumping of the bridge but he push me on the floor. :(
      After that I’ve just be on my own
      He was the first person I told that I was asexual.

  32. I’ve never really been attracted to anyone and so I thought “I’m straight but I’ve never met anyone I like” I thought I might be Asexual a while ago but I was told it was really rare so I just didn’t mention anything to anyone until today when my best friend told me that another friend of ours was Pansexual and not knowing what that meant I looked into it and I went through every sexuality until I found the one that sounded most similar. This is my best guess because I’ve never been attracted to anyone.

  33. Until I went to college last year, I had no idea being asexual was an actual thing. Seriously, why had no one ever thought to bring this up before? I’ve never been on a date, kissed someone, or had sex and I’m perfectly okay with that. Having said that I absolutely loved this post, and agreed with a lot of the things.

    How I came to know that I was asexual (with help of this post):

    Apparently I flirt? And people actually flirt with me? Since I didn’t know this I managed to get myself into a sticky situation, when we were both flirting (he obviously knew, and I didn’t), and I had absolutely no idea that what I was saying was being perceived as flirting. I wasn’t attracted to him. My roommate dragged me out of the room, pulled me into my guy RA’s room and told me to stay until I thought about what I had said. My RA just laughed, and I eventually ended up playing a video game instead of thinking about it. Later when she came to retrieve me, she asked me what I had learned and I said that I’m awful at playing video games. Laughingly she took me back to our room and explained that we had been flirting with each other. To this day I still have no idea what I said that apparently made him think that I was flirting with him (and I haven’t seen him since to ask him). However, this was the turning point in my life. My friends decided to tell me later that I had to be asexual to not have known that I was flirting. Guess they were right about something.

    Additionally I agree with the book/tv/movie thing. I love to read, give me any book and I’ll probably read and enjoy it (unless it’s a textbook). The sex scenes just don’t interest me. Sex doesn’t interest me in the slightest. Also, I’ve never actually called a guy ‘hot’ before, just cute or adorable. My friends, always ask me oh isn’t that guy cute and I always just agree with them, or I act super sarcastic and say no. I just could care less, I don’t see them on the level that they apparently do.

    Sorry for the long post, but I felt it necessary to share my story.

    • Ahhh, thank you I can relate to this – apparently I’ve been flirting with a guy at school in the past week or so ( I don’t know how or what I am saying/doing that can be construed as flirting, so immediately feel guilty ). As a sixteen year old girl people have said I may have just not bloomed yet so to speak ( and I admit that even despite my thorough research on asexuality it may be possible that I haven’t matured yet even though I find this doubtful? ) I feel… Immature when people discuss kissing/sex purely because put simply both subjects disgust me – when I try to imagine sex it seems as though it could only be painful and the idea of it in itself repulses me on a deeper level, but I have no problem making dirty jokes and understanding that other people do enjoy sex and look forward to it for whatever unfathomable reasons… Would it be wrong for me to associate as a biromantic asexual if I’m repulsed where my body isn’t? It commonly feels to me as if I simply haven’t had instinct wired in with all these haywire hormones and when my friends try to insist that ‘you (me) and such and such would be so cute’ when I feel that having a relationship with someone would fail because ultimately most others do want sex? If I ever visualise a romantic future with someone I always picture myself telling whoever my SO is to feel free to have a… bed buddy? so that they aren’t missing out? I understand that I am probably a bit young yet to be thinking of things like this perhaps, but would it be better to be in no relationship than one where I feel guilty for not being able to sate the other’s instinctual drive?

      I apologise if I have rambled and none of this makes sense, however it is… confusing, to say the least, to work out where I stand in regards to all of this. Even if there is no answer for this, I feel better to have gotten this off my chest, so thank you. c:

      • Actually all of this makes sense to me. At 16 I knew I had room to mature some more, but I also know that I was way more mature than the rest of my class and probably still am. While kissing doesn’t disgust me completely, mainly because I think it’s a nice gesture to show appreciation. But sex does disgust me, I have no interest in having sex whatsoever, and I have no idea why people actually enjoy it but understand that its a part of life and that people will do what they see as natural. But obviously it has to be painful right? (I’m also glad that I’m not the only one who thinks that.)

        Personally, I would say that you can associate yourself with whatever you feel fits you. It’s all personal preference. No one else can tell you what you are or are not.

        Lastly, I’ve actually already decided that my significant other, whom ever that may be, will have as you put it a “bed buddy”. I really wouldn’t want them missing out. If you want a relationship then go for it, don’t miss out because you don’t want the other person to miss out on having sex. A solid relationship will last with or without sex.

        Hope this helps a bit :)

        • Wow, thanks again Reba! Haha, I’m glad that we can both now be content in knowing /someone/ out there feels the same way ahaha <33 The maturity thing I feel I another common tie — yes I can be immature but a lot of the time I sit there wondering how what they're attempting to do or say can at all be entertaining.

          Thanks for understanding and providing input, even for just being a listening ear — since posting here a couple of weeks ago I've decided to just try to continue about my day as normal and brush of my friends' jibes at my flirting and just try to talk normally with everyone and it seems to be working.

          I'll take your advice to heart, and it's gladdening to see that I wasn't the only one to have contemplated the idea of um, a 'bed buddy' hahaha.

          Again, thanks a lot Reba, and good luck with college! :))

    • It happened to me that I was always trying to flirt, but I was really terrible at it. But in some situations, I only tried to stay cool without flirting and I really had a great time chatting with some girl. Only when I had leaved the scene I realized that she was flirting with me (or rather interested), which kept me thinking about how distracted, clumsy and stupid I was, to not get a profit of the situation to kiss her, ask for her number or even have sex. It just happened that those situations didn’t come through my mind at that time. And after all, I did feel terrible and almost depressed. I couldn’t even hang out because I always ended with the same bad feelings…

  34. I have questioned a lot recently what my sexuality its. I’m a 17 year old guy in high school, and I find that I really just don’t fit into any of the boxes quite right. I have been told that I flirt unconsciously because I usually don’t realize that it is happening, and yet other times, I find myself flirting and I continue even though I have absolutely no intention of any physical relationship. I don’t really have issues with personal space, so awkward flirting games don’t really bother me and I am actually interested to see how girls who I feel some sort of mental attraction to respond. I am, however, really oblivious to the attraction of girls, as some of my friends will talk about how many girls really like me and yet I can count on one hand the number I know do. There was this one time that I was helping run a concession stand at a racetrack and my mom just started laughing beside me because this girl had apparently been checking me out so intently that she tripped and almost landed on her face, but I didn’t notice a thing.

    I noticed that I can acknowledge when a person (of either gender) is aesthetically pleasing, but that factor never really translates to physical desire. I know that the few girls I have ever been attracted to I really respected as an equal, but when I had my first girlfriend (and probably last of high school) this year, I didn’t really enjoy the kissing (as it never went any farther, nor did I really want it to.) She always wanted to be touching and kissing while we were hanging out, but I couldn’t have cared less about it, and I even missed several ques that I was supposed to participate which aggravated her. I ended it because I realized that not only was I not interested int eh same type of relationship as her, but I didn’t really have the time or energy to invest for it to be successful. I am pretty sure I have felt attraction to a couple of girls, but it’s more a desire to be around them and maybe to be in contact with them than to do anything more.

    As far as sex is concerned, I find it interesting and will participate in conversations regarding it, but I don’t really feel like I need to try it. I do have a libido, which I relieve myself with some visual assistance, but I don’t really feel an attraction for any of the people or situations I see, they merely help make the process a little more efficient in creating that environment for preparation. Originally, I started because I thought that it would help me gain experience which would help me with my future partner without actually having to use someone I didn’t care about or risk catching anything, but I continued because I feel like it helps me keep a clear head and level emotions because I recognize that my hormones will make me confrontational and aggressive, which I don’t need with all of the extracurricular activities I’m involved in.

    Recently, I told a few of my friends that I think demisexual is a good descriptor of me, but I also came to the realization that I am content to be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t need a romantic interest to be happy, and I don’t really have a desire to have sex. I told my older brother that it didn’t really matter to me if I ever got married or had kids, and it seemed to really bother him, but it seems natural to me, I mean, I may one day find someone that I don’t think I can live without, but I kind of doubt that’s going to happen. I still don’t know exactly where I fit in on the whole scale, but I think I’m just going to live as myself and see what happens.

    • I’m seventeen too, oh and I’m a girl, so I kind of get where you’re coming from. I’ve actually been really attracted to maybe two guys. One of them is an ex, and the other I like currently. I never really felt sexually attracted towards either of them, although I have had romantic feelings towards them. I don’t necessarily need to have to be in a actual relationship with anyone, even my crush, for me to be happy. And I’m ready to go single for the rest of my life, but I’m also keeping an open mind, as in, an “if it happens, it happens” mentality, kind of like what you described in the last few lines.
      And as for the libido, it’s kind of complicated, in that, I do have urges that I assuage through mild erotica and fantasy, but after it’s done, I feel miserable; it’s almost more of a hindrance and hassle than a way of pleasure. Like an alcoholic who knows better, but can’t help himself.
      I’ve never liked the words hot,cute, adorable, nor have I ever used them to describe anyone. I do find sex disgusting, most of the time, but I’m fine with learning about it and engaging in conversations about it half the time.

      • I’m glad I’m not the only one. I actually got into a new relationship now, and she’s a gray asexual as well. I think it has a pretty good chance of lasting a while, since neither of us really want to move quickly. She has made me realize that life is a lot more enjoyable when you are spending it with someone else.

  35. Hi,

    I’m so glad I’ve read this. I’ve always had issues in my relationships with regards to sex, more specifically my lack of sex drive.

    I love the idea of being in a relationship with a man, having a close relationship, having someone to share life’s experiences with, late nights watching movies and eating pizza, random philosophical conversations, being there for somebody, cuddles, kisses, BUT for me that’s where it ends, that for me has always been love and companionship, I’ve never understood the emphasis surrounding sex, it appears to be a basic primal need for most people, it’s in literature, on television, on the radio, used in advertising, always discussed and is portrayed often to be an extension of someone’s love, making love.

    I am trying to work out why it doesn’t seem to be a big deal to me, am I asexual?

    If I was asked to choose between chocolate and sex I would have an incredibly easy decision to make.

    I am 23 and currently in a relationship with a guy who finds sex to play a very important part in a relationship. Our relationship is suffering because I show no interest in taking things farther than a kiss and cuddle. We have taken things farther (as I have in previous relationships) but I always feel as though it is more of a duty than a pleasure, I can’t seem to get lost in the moment, I’m either slightly grossed out by the act or my mind is in a completely different place and I’m always conscious of how much longer the experience might take.
    For me the most pleasurable part is when it’s over and i know I won’t have to do it again for another day or two. I would love to enjoy sex, want sex, initiate sex but it just doesn’t seem to be in my nature.

    Any thoughts/feelings on this would be greatly appreciated.

  36. I am a 19 year old girl who has only been in a real relationship with one person, a guy of the same age. I’ve only had a real sexual relation with one person and we have been together for 2 years now. I love girls, which has made people question my sexual orientation but I think I just feel more comfortable around them. That kissing and hugging them is no big deal and means nothing. I can appreciate their looks but I don’t think I’ve ever been sexually attracted to one of those girls.
    My friend’s always point out “hot” people in the street. But I simply don’t pay attention. My friends call me Max-Sexual because I only seem to have eye for my boyfriend, whom I love very much, but even still I don’t know if I find him sexually attractive or just good looking. I can appreciate when someone is attractive but the phrase “I’d totally fuck him/her.” Is totally foreign to me when It comes to complete strangers or even “attractive” people I know. I obsess over celebrities but I don’t consider sleeping with them. I find my boyfriend more cute then sexy, and I think that hurts his manly pride.
    I’ve only had one serious boyfriend, and sexual relations with one person. But I don’t know if my indifference to the whole sex thing is just the innocence of not sleeping around and our inexperience. My friends, male and female, obsess about sex. Like it’s the best thing on Earth. But I really don’t understand that at all. Like it feels good in the moment but I don’t feel any different afterwards. I even feel disappointed that I don’t seem to have responded like most people to the whole thing.
    I moan all the time about pointless sex scenes in TV shows without any convincing romance – but I always assumed I wouldn’t get seeing naked actors because I was a girl. I love the idea of romance, though I hate it when it’s cliche, I just wish that sex had nothing to do with it. Because most of the time I feel that sex ruins the relationship of those fictional characters and they too lose themselves in it. Where did my budding romance go? What’s the obsession with sex?
    Lately I’ve been feeling really confused and frustrated. I don’t feel as though I enjoy sex as much as others, which makes me jealous of fictional characters and my friends but also scared of being abnormal. I know I shouldn’t be over thinking the labels. But when I express my feelings to my boyfriend he thinks it’s his fault, but I really don’t think that’s the case and it’s more me and my lack of enthusiasm for it.
    Am I Asexual? :/

  37. this has helped me a lot , i was talking to a friend the other day about how i don’t feel the need or the want to even be in a relationship let alone have sex (even though i haven’t had sex I’m only 18) and she said to me that i might be asexual this was the first time i had herd this term so i wasn’t sure what it meant but now reading this i am probably sure that i am i thought i was bi and wasn’t sure why i didn’t feel anything for anyone of any sex. i can still talk to my friends about there sex lives but its a bit awkward and odd to think that they do have sex i don’t thin about them doing it, i work with animals and am hoping to go into a job at a zoo which would involve animals breeding and I’m not bothered by that but i still don’t think about it i think more about that a sperm met an egg and now the animal is pregnant i always thought it was because i new to much about how its done and about sex but after reading this i am sure its because i’m asexual

  38. This is really interesting. I’ve been struggling to identify my sexuality a lot over the past couple of years. I’ve been trying to avoid putting a label on myself mostly because of the obsession of sex out there, and I didn’t want people to throw me into a single bucket for labeling myself as one thing or another, especially because I never felt that I belonged in any category.
    For a while I’ve been wondering if I was bi or not because, while I think men are my preference, I’m not opposed to being in a relationship with a girl. Plus, in my mind, sex was never even an immediate component of a relationship anyways.
    To me, the only real reason for sex is to have children. I’ve said this to people before, and their response is something of shock and then calling me judgmental. I never had a problem with other people having sex or anything like that, I just never understood the appeal. This is really interesting and helpful to know that others feel the same way.

  39. I, too, feel that I am asexual. After my last time (3/4 years ago) I thought, I cant do this anymore. I am not one to go jump into bed with someone, or form a sexual relationship. I hate the whole idea of having sex with someone. I haven’t told my mum yet as I do not know what to say… maybe go ‘morning mum! Guess what?? I’m coming out of the closet and I’m asexual! Yay! Stop nagging me now.’
    I keep telling her that she’s not having grandkids, and she’s understanding now that I’m not a child person. She knows that when I know someone is attracted to me I feel good, but its only a confidence thing, knowing that you’re just as pretty as your family and the fact that you wear glasses, have a load of guy mates and play video games is not important anymore.

    This feels epic that I know there are many other people around that feel the same way. Its been a hard toil finding who I am and what I want from life. I’m 20, and the gay people I know have come out a looonnnggg time ago, with no questions asked.

    I have told friends that I have no interest in sex, and their reactions are the same: what? You don’t have sex? or what? I couldn’t survive! My best friend still finds it hard to believe, because I can still find a person hot, or beautiful. I suppose I’m a romantic asexual, and get closer to someone by conversation rather than cuddling and kissing. Even kissing’s weird! I don’t care anymore though. I’ll carry on with my lifelong plans.

  40. +1! Thanks so muuuch!

    waw so much you said thats similar to me.

    Fuck!!! I have to add this one to all my other weirdnesses ! Being anarchist, genderqueer, etc. I basically define myself negatively all the time. No, I don’t work, don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t have a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a fixed gender identity, a nation, a group I belong to, dont want kids or get married, etc. thanks to everybody whos put words on their experience!

    Its gonna take me a few days to be able to say “I am asexual.”

  41. So I’ve had a couple relationships before (all guys) and have found people attractive and all but like I’ve never really had much interest in hook ups or anything like that (I’m a high school student and I’ve watched my friends and classmates do that sort of casual fling thing and it always seemed really bizarre and dumb to me) and at first I thought I was just scared of getting hurt but looking back I usually don’t feel much when I’ve kissed/been kissed by someone. I’m still pretty young so I don’t know if I’ve experienced enough to be able to diffinitively label myself as asexual but at the same time I feel like that’s a possibility and maybe this is silly but whatever sexuality I am I still want to get married and have a family someday and the concept of asexuality kind of terrifies me because love just sounds like such a great thing so I was just wondering if any of you that are pretty sure/positive you’re asexual have found love or are happily married or anything like that.

    • That’s asked in such a cute way!

      Well I can’t help you much as I am still quesitoning myself. But what I can tell you is that ===========> most people spend their life trying to show other people how their life is exciting, especially their relationships and sex.
      While most of the sex available is actually abusive towards women, tasteless, forced… not “forced” like a rape is, but just as something casual. Oh yeah, we’ve been going out together for that amount of time, we must fuck now. Or : ok tonight, we all must find someone to fuck. And so many weird approaches to sex that are the norm !
      That’s why I am questioning. I don’t know if I am disgusted by people’s attitudes towards sex or sex itself. I mean, I am not disgusted by sex.

      That’s probably added to a low sexual attraction though.

      About getting married. Honestly, I would think about it twice. What are you gonna do once you’re married ? Obey your husband ? and then struggle while divorcing… berk thats not for me.

      Good luck! :)

      • Haha thank you so much. Hopefully I’ll find someone who doesn’t want to put obedience as a wedding vow

    • You obviously can love without sex. For me at least, I really do love all the people in my life. I love my friends, and having realized I am asexual has also made me realize that I do love these people, and that it’s not a sexual or romantic thing, but I still have people I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I am happy without sex or relationships and that’s the bit that makes me okay with my asexuality.

    • Yes you can! I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost four years, we live togheter and we have a beautiful daughter; we got engaged recently and we’re getting married in the next year or two. It’s all about trying to found someone who understands you; my bf tells me he’s “phisycally and sentimentally crazy about me” but at the same time he’s totally ok with the idea of me not being phisycally atracted to him, we have sex every now and then but we just take as a secondary thing and try to enjoy other things such as watching movies or cooking. I’m sure you’ll find someone :)

  42. I don’t think about sex as an appealing thing, it seems disgusting and pointless to me. I can partially understand why people like it because of the Biological sensations etc but I don’t want to do it. People might talk about it around me and I may try to talk about it in the right way to fit in but it kinda shocks me some of the things people say about girls! Porn doesn’t seem morally right either. I might glimpse some porn occasionally but I normally look away out of choice before my eyes get too deep in. I have no idea what category to put myself under as I’m definitely not gay but I don’t think I’m straight either. When I think of girls, I normally think of my face-to-face relationship with them and I might occasionally daydream going on a date with them. Is anyone else like me? I’m slightly confused.

  43. i enjoyed reading this article. thank you for sharing your experiences. The part about seeing a sex scene on a TV show made me think of the first thought i had during a sex scene on The Walking Dead: “Aren’t they supposed to be on guard?” then i got up for snack since nothing important was happening. i basically saw it as a commerical break… and thought nothing more of it.

    then i realised similiar thoughts are first in my mind when, in action or horror films where the characters are in a ticking clock situation, two main characters take a break for sex: “is there really time for this?” “i thought they were in a hurry?” “i thought they were in danger?” “do WE really need to watch this? the movie/episode will be over in X minutes…” “they could have used that film time for action / explaining X / other logical story-related things”

    then someone tells me, “Maybe they think they won’t get another chance…”
    To which my response is, “oh… Well, wouldn’t their chances of survival be greater if they weren’t wasting their time with sex right now? They said they only had yaddayadda time until yaddayadda happens…” so i take it as a commerical break and check my text messages. :)

  44. I have put myself in study mode regarding what I thought was me for many years now. I am 43 years old and have never had “sex”. I have had forms of sexual pleasure with certain people but felt like I was a third party watching rather than a participating party to the “event”. Since I was a little boy (from 2 to current)lol — I have thought that I had special powers, that I was special — different than EVERYONE else. This could be chalked up as PURE crazy; but nonetheless, there it is.

    My parents divorced when I was barely two years old. My mother took me to live with my grandmother in El Paso after the divorce. I would watch soap operas with my grandmother and then re-enact scenes with my friend down the street about about 4 years old. His mother caught us one day and I remember his mother coming to our house and talking to my mother and grandmother. I remember thinking I was in big trouble.

    I think that I developed a sense of role play of what I thought “love” was trying to understand it from the gay and straight perspective of course didn’t realize it at the time. I was only 4. In both instances, I felt like a fish out of water — everytime!!!

    Getting back to my special powers, my sister tells a story when my father flew me down at age 5 for my sisters wedding. After the wedding and making the trip back to the airport as my sister and father watched me going down the plane tunnel, I remember looking back and their sobbing because they were sad to see me leave going back to my mother and grandma in El Paso. I ran toward them in my white Sesame Street jumpsuit with my pack on my back and said to my sister, “Don’t worry if anything happens, I’ll use my powers.”

    From this time forward, I have always thought that I was difference, unique in one way or another. My indifference has given me great gifts such as playing the piano, painting, love of movies, and ultimately my love for my SOLITUDE. I love being by myself. I can go to movies by myself and it doesn’t BOTHER me at ALL. I am seldom with friends, but love it when they come; but I don’t need them and never have.

    In high school, I never dated. I had male friends that would stay over; and we would mess around, but I still felt weird afterwards like drinking a beer that didn’t have alcochol in it…I just didn’t get it.

    During college, my brother and his wife set me up with this great girl that lived close by and she cut my hair. Her family owned a beauty salon. I bought a ring, gave it to her at Christmas with my whole family watching. We saw each other for 5-6 months and NEVER hardly even kissed.

    I broke it off with her abruptly; in fact, I was a real jerk about it. I didn’t have any romantic feelings for her. At this point, I really thought I was gay so I started exploring that avenue. I had some frolics with several men, but NEVER could connect.

    I had moved off to a big city and would come into town from time to time and I ran into the girl I nearly became engaged. She called me up and asked if I would meet her for lunch. I met her at the Olive Garden and found out that she was now a lesbian; and was hoping that I might want to father her child for her and her girlfriend. We had a really great conversation, but ultimately I declined.

    I never really understood what I was until the last few months; but I have to say I can see why there is so much teen suicide. Sex is so prevalent in our society and religious groups don’t make it easy for young people. Probably not so much religious groups as a whole, but the “standard” that society sets for young people.

    Every time I read an obituary about a young person that died from no apparent causes, I think, “did he commit suicide.” I’ve pretty much decided to make use of my brain and get my counseling license. I think I have a perspective that could probably help some young people and adults. I feel that if I was able to make it without taking my life while all the opportunities at taking my life and NOT…maybe I should give that back to a generation or more of young and old letting them know they aren’t alone.

    Sorry this was so long, but I guess I just “came out” — I’m not GAY I’m not STRAIGHT I’m “NOTHING” LOL I love it!!!

  45. Im 18 and im starting to realize that I dont think of people the way other people do .I cant say shes hot and stuff like that it feels weird I just shrug and say yea.when I do masturbate and stuff I use porn but I feel the same way about porn as I di about real people the whole thinking about all the technical stuff over the actual sex makes sense I focus on how their boobs/butts/dicks look bigger cause the fisheye lens hahaha. Ive been looking all over the internet to figure out why im not like/cant relate to other people.I feel like the “attractions” I do feel towards a woman/man/trans is forced I feel like I have to coach myself to say “o yea shes hot” but if yall got any advice I would REALLLY appreciate ot

    • I dont know if this matters but I had a gf for about 2 months before she left me and I felt attracted to her emotionally I really didnt care about sex .even when she would offer a bj I would make some excuse up cause I didnt really feel a urge to do it.

  46. I suppose I figured out that I was ace when I realized that I only ever thought people were aesthetically appealing. It never occurred to me that this was not the norm, until I realized that I had absolutely no desire toward sex (or any romantic attraction towards people) while it seemed like that was all other people were focused on. I’ve figured out that all “attraction” I felt over the years was just me subconsciously thinking “Hey, this person is really attractive, nice, funny, etc. This must be what having a crush is like!” when in reality it was more of a desire to make a friend rather than a romantic or sexual partner. I find people appealing, but in a viewpoint of friendship, my “celebrity crushes” are people I would want to meet and be friends with rather than, and I quote, “bang like a screen-door in a hurricane”. Figuring this out was like an epiphany for me, I had reason to believe that I was somehow “wrong” but when I discovered asexuality it was beautiful; it was the explanation for me. I love the people in my life, I really do love my friends, in the deepest way, and I am so glad that I have realized because of asexuality that I am not “wrong”, I am not without love and the happiness that comes with love in my life. I have people that I really do love dearly, and that is the part that means I am okay with my asexuality.

  47. Thank you for this, and the comments have been very helpful too. I found this page in my search to try to better understand my husband of 20 years. He doesn’t like to talk about sex, he doesn’t show attraction to me or others very often, he seems shy/uncomfortable with the topic, BUT, he knows it’s important to me and SAYS he wants to work on it, but then nothing happens. Meanwhile, his lack of interest/initiation with sex over 20 years has led me to see him as a brother/friend/pal, and nothing else. The idea of having sex with him now is so off-putting. Still, I think about sex a LOT, and I want sex, but not with him. It would be like sleeping with Kermit the Frog – just wrong to have sex with someone who has no apparent sexuality.

    In the last 10 years, we’ve had sex less than 10 times – maybe 4 or 5 – and all so unfulfilling (well, bad). He’s just recently agreed to get his testosterone tested. That *could* be it – but I don’t know how I can undo my perception of him even if he starts to have some sort of interest. He has never had assuredness and confidence that many men have when it comes to sex. I feel like – since our first kiss – that he was acting. It’s like he’s suddenly saying lines from a movie, and it feels so fake. He’s pretty unscripted in the rest of his life, but around sex, it was like he was tapping into some bad porn movie lines, or conversely, a sweet 1940s love story script – it’s not *real*.

    So, what next? I don’t know. I think about sex a lot. A cute contractor was working on the kitchen sink, lying on his back reaching up to the plumbing, and I’m just thinking, what great stomach muscles he must have – I wish I could touch them. We had an adorable gardener who’d work on the yard, sweat dripping down his face, lovely forearms (and he was so sweet, so happy, and was a great dad – that’s so attractive in men), and I would think a LOT of sexual thoughts about things I wanted to do with him. So, I have sexual thoughts, regularly. Meanwhile, the thought of cheating makes me nauseous, and my husband doesn’t ever want to divorce. I feel trapped, even though I could get a divorce w/out his ‘ok’, but then I haven’t worked in 6 years, and worry that I’ll be living off ramen for the rest of my life w/ no health insurance.

    Reading these other comments helps me to better accept my husband as who he is. But, I still can’t imagine living with him forever, and never having sex again.

    • Are you comfortable with the idea of masturbating? cause that might help you a lot. Also, most asexual people don’t feel good with the idea of having sex, but are pretty ok with the idea of please their partner sexually; so you could talk about him about doing stuff like oral sex, it’s not all lost!! if he’s a good partner you should try to keep him; i’m sure that if you could understood him and agree with him about not having sex, then he could understand you and agree with you on doing other things besides sexual intercouse itself.

  48. For a while now I’ve been trying to figure out if I actually am asexual or not, and it’s so difficult for me, not because I don’t know the difference between asexual and sexual, but because I’ve read a lot about the difficulties that announcing being asexual can bring. I think that after reading this, I have come to understand my own behaviour better and have better accepted that I am, in fact, asexual. I still don’t want people knowing though, because I’m pretty convinced the people around me won’t understand. I’ve been asked repeatedly if I’m lesbian, I know I’m not. I’m asked about guys I think are cute or hot, I always reply that there’s no one. Eventually I did tell someone that I think I’m asexual and that was told to someone else who later confronted me about it. It was a very unpleasant surprise having to reconfirm that I’m not gay or bi, and then explain that a relationship is something I would still be interested in, but that I simply don’t desire sexual contact. I don’t want people knowing for that exact reason, they just don’t understand, and I don’t want to try to explain what’s going on in my head only to hear “oh, I bet you haven’t met the right person,” “so you don’t find ANYONE hot?” “I bet you’d like sex if you tried it”… I feel like asexuality is harder to accept and understand than homosexuality.

  49. I get horny pretty frequently but am too scared of the pain and intimacy of letting a guy have sex with me. I like guys and they will like me back, but the thought of sex keeps my relationships from getting very far. There have been 2 (out of a lot of guys) that I have actually enjoyed making out with, but the rest I just want to stop. I really want to want sex because all of my friends say how amazing it is, but my few experiences were extremely painful. Asexuality is not what I want for myself, but that sounds like a plausible possibility. Any ideas?

  50. Okay, so I’m still trying to figure out my sexuality. I mean, I like girls and guys, I know that, but I’ve never looked a t someone and thought “They’re hot” or agreed with my friends when they say it. I’ve had sex with s girl before but I didn’t really want to do it and git nothing out if it and was frankly bored. Like I am really confused about whether I’m pansexual or graysexual or something else. I have an Asexual friend and she’s kind of explained it to me and she’s the one who told me about grays and pan’s, but I’m still really confused. Can anyone give me some advice or help me out in anyway please?

  51. I think I’m asexual cos I really don’t care about interacting with human beings no in a sexual way no in a emotional way
    I don’t even hate people, I just don’t care

  52. Can someone help me figure this out? Sometimes I look at someone (nearly always a guy) and my gut reaction is, “Damn, he’s hot.” But when I imagine having sex with them it kind of grosses me out. I think sex is unnecessary and it’s not something I want to have. Is thinking someone is hot on an instinctual level the same as being attracted to them? Do I just need to be more comfortable with them before I want to have sex with them? Or is it not the same and I’m asexual?

    • that is so me. I’m still a virgin because I can’t stand the idea of sex. I find the minds of people far more engaging. MENTAL sex turns me on, the idea that someone can engage in intellectual intercourse with you on a deep level and both of you speak the same language for a little while… that is my sex. does that sound like you? I guess that means we really Are asexual! HIIIII!

      now go away. because I’m a loner, yo. ;) really, I have no idea, but that’s my take on it. Good luck, hon.

  53. This was one of the most helpful guides I have ever come across when it has come to asexuality. And thank you, so much, for putting in comments about not everyone being the same and just because you don’t find yourself agreeing with some of these, doesn’t mean you’re automatically ruled out as not asexual. I get extremely anxietized when I don’t relate to some of the things and assume I’m not asexual and it leads me to asking questions, “Oh my god, what am I then?”, “I must be a freak that can’t fit in?”

    Sex crosses my mind a lot and I hate it. I don’t want to think about it, but it naturally just gets bought up. I think it might be because of all the hormones that are present right now. I masturbate but I am not emotionally invested in it whatsoever. I find it extremely annoying and I wish I could turn it off, but I feel like I have to get it over with to get it away. Immediately afterwards, I am truly disgusted with myself. It’s this awful cycle of self-loathing that I can’t get rid of. I’m trying to help myself by getting rid of triggers, but again, I think hormones are playing a factor into this.

  54. This! I’ve always maintained that being Ace means I think differently from other people. It’s a difference that pervades your entire life, because in a sexual society you just continually don’t get the point. You’re forever being tripped up by things that make you wonder what planet you’re from because everyone else seems to get it, and you don’t.

  55. Okay, so… I’m completely unsure what my sexuality is (which isn’t much surprising considering where I am writing comment). I’m a girl (I’m quite certain on that part). I’m 20. I don’t have much experience – I’ve had sex three times total, none of which felt downright unpleasant but it didn’t give me any sexual satisfaction. I’ve been in love once – with a guy – so I ticked of homosexuality (then again, it was romantic feeling not sexual attraction, so maybe I shouldn’t). I masturbate (quite often I can add) and have no problem with it whatsoever; I can watch porn (of any gender variation) and it works for me – the only problem with that is while the idea of other people having sex turns me on, imagining myself as a participant does nothing for me (at least not in any erotic way). I can see myself in relationship with women as well as with men. I find the idea of having sex (with either man or woman) enticing in a way – I think it interesting and I’m curious about it, but it’s the same way I feel about having any sort of physical contact with people not only those of sexual nature. However, while I do think sex “interesting” I think I could live the rest of my life without it quite contently (although I can’t say the same about other types of physical affection).

    I cannot imagine another person could bring me to orgasm (or even turn me on) and because of that I’m scared of instigating romantic/sexual relationship with anybody because I fear that I might appear “uninterested” and disappoint my partner.

    I don’t really know what it says about me in terms of sexuality (or psychology or whatever might be the cause of my “situation”), so please if anyone has any idea, I would be grateful.

    • I’m a 17 year old male and feel very similar. I also masturbate but I don’t really need to have sex and don’t really have that desire… Only female pornography appeals to me though… I could go my whole life without sex and I wouldn’t care. I feel as soon as I have a partner I wouldn’t need to masturbate ever again… And I won’t have sex either… So I’m guessing my masturbation is because I haven’t found a partner suitable for me and though I don’t have a sexual desire for that partner I use it as a means of just forgetting about it in the mean time…although, I too am confused :) If you can please read one of my comments a few places below this… I need help

  56. I do respond to erotica/porn, but I don’t feel sexually attracted to people – does that count? I’m not averse to sex – I’m averse to sex with people (looking past it takes two hands to clap and all that).

  57. This made me so happy because for the longest time I thought I was heartless or something. Like, I’m definitely interested in a relationship but all the sexual parts of it just don’t seem important, like I don’t want them.
    Kissing is cute and all, but my first kiss I didn’t feel anything special, it was nice but it wasn’t overly exciting or anything.
    I don’t know. I’ve been told I was heartless, I’ve also been told I’m like a robot.

    I’m so happy I read this because I think I’m asexual!
    So thanks a lot for the help!

  58. “You might be interested in sex, but interested in the same way one is interested in geology or zoology. You see it as an object of study, rather than an object of participation. You might want to know everything about it and read everything you can about sexual activities, practices, variants, and combinations, yet at the same time, you’re not really interested in actually doing any of them. You’d rather watch a Discovery Channel documentary on sex than a porn movie. You’d rather read the Kinsey Report than Penthouse.”

    I struggled for a long time with labelling myself as asexual because of this. I thought this study-interest made me bisexual instead of asexual/biromantic even though I’ve never felt any sexual attraction, etc. But this just hit me, it describes me so well and I want to thank you so much for posting this online ♥

  59. This article helped me a lot, because I didn’t know that asexual was such a broad category. I’m still confused though. So confused. I’m 17 and male. I have never had any attraction to males and I know I’m not gay. I know I presently like masturbation and have had romantic interests. However when I have a romantic interest I have 0% urge to have sex with her, she looks pretty and everything but I don’t feel like doing that with her is even a desire… Other guys would ask me though, hey didn’t you notice she’s got no tits… And I’d honestly reply I don’t really notice that… So to me it seems like I am a bit different. But I can’t be sure, maybe I just thought her personality, prettiness etc made up for that and was just being a gentleman about… I can’t seem to be sure.. This site seems to state that as long as you don’t have a sexual attraction to any one person you could be asexual, but I’m not sure whether I am sexually attracted possibly because I don’t understand the definition. But I have one major issue that as far as I can tell nobody else has experienced before. Though it MAY be nice to have sex with someone, I can’t deal with the fact that other people have sex… I don’t understand this feeling and it makes me concerned… I think it stemmed from my realisation that my parents had sex naturally certain children get disgusted but eventually dismiss it as natural path of life and come to accept it and then eventually partake in it as well. I for one was put off by the thought of it (I think I felt betrayed for some reason) and I felt like nobody should do such a thing and that I’d never do it either… But as time went on I felt urges etc and I followed it… It eventually led me to pornography which I regret extremely but seem to still be under its urges at weak moments in my life… I liked girls etc but one thing remained I didn’t want anybody else having sexual relationships… I DIDN’T WANT ONE EITHER but my hormones were raging and I regret my actions terribly… I have extremely loving parents and can’t seem to tell them the full story I have not spoken to them about my (straight) side of my life but only discussed to them of my personal feelings towards people having sex and how they shouldn’t have sex. They still think I can’t view people kissing on tv, sex scenes etc. They sometimes say you don’t have to like sex you can be asexual and just have a somewhat friendly relationship…then I’ll say I don’t want any kind of relationship or that its kind of evil to have sex (yes I say that…and during the moment I believe every word) I’m very attractive apparently but avoid relationships because I don’t want my parents to think of me as somebody who likes girls (I don’t want them to think I would like to have sex) at home with my parents I don’t want a girlfriend. But when I go to school or something I start liking girls again… It’s the weirdest and most frightening thing… I need help understanding this it’s as though I have two personalities or something(though its not like I’m affected in any other ways other than my sexual aspects) I sincerely doubt any experiences this but if any of you have felt this or anything similar or just want to help PLEASE HELP ME AND ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED :)

  60. Hi Derek,

    It sounds to me like you have a couple of things going on at once. If you don’t want to have sex with anyone, even girls you might want to go out with, then you’re probably asexual. You can be asexual and still be turned on by porn/erotica, and you can be asexual and still want to masturbate. The definition of an asexual is someone who doesn’t want to have sex with any other person, masturbation is not sex with another person, so it doesn’t count. You still have a libido, so you can still be aroused, but you just don’t want to have sex with anyone – that’s still ace.

    You sound like you’re sex repulsed. You’re not alone in that either – there are plenty of sex repulsed asexuals. I personally see saw between ‘It’s one of those weird things people do’ and ‘ew, seriously why?‘. But this might help: you get started finding other people who understand how you feel because they do too: http://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/tag/sex-repulsed-asexuals/

    • Thanks for the quick and thoughtful response Marnie:)
      The link you sent me has helped me quite a bit, I understand that there are indeed people who feel like I do and it makes me feel less strange. However I am yet to find anyone who also switches almost instantaneously between simply having no desire to have sex to being utterly repelled… As far as I can tell that change (in either direction) is gradual not sudden as I experience it… But I feel that’s partly to do with my inner conflicts with my libido and repulsion and possibly my mind can’t handle both ways of thinking and simply switches depending on the people I’m around but I’m not sure… But what made me happy was that you and this whole community in general doesn’t seem put off by my “repulsion” towards sex :) I’ve tried conveying this to others on site like yahoo answers (and I suppose I should have expected this) but the majority of tht community there treated me as though I had something wrong with me that needed to be fixed urgently otherwise I have a mental disorder… I’m still not 100% sure I don’t believe them but knowing there are others who are the same to me in these aspects makes me feel normal again :) which is a feeling I have been lacking in a long time

      • Well, we live in a very oversexual society, I’m afraid. As asexuals we challenge the assumption that sex is a basic human need, and people are threatened by that, I think. But we’re not wrong, we’re just different, and as long as our way of being isn’t harming others, (by making /them/ feel ashamed of being sexual) they have no right to harm us (by making us feel broken or mentally ill or whatever.)

  61. I really do think I’m asexual, but that’s not my concern at the moment. My concern is for my current relationship because my boyfriend is VERY invested in sexual activities and we always seem to fight because I’m not showing much interest and sometimes I just down right tell him I don’t want to do something. I’m very worried I’ll lose him if I tell him I think I’m asexual, what should I do? I love him very much, but I’m afraid.

    • I can’t really council you as to what to do, or how things will turn out between you and your boyfriend, but I’m an asexual who has been married for 23 years to a sexual husband, so I can tell you how it worked for me. Sex has always been the most difficult thing in our relationship – the thing we’ve had 90% of our arguments about – and I think we’ve only coped with it because we’ve been honest and willing to talk about it even when it was awkward. We were already married when I found out there was a name for what I was, but I told him almost as soon as I was sure of it myself. He went quiet for a few days and that was scary, but I reassured him that I was still the same person I’d always been and I loved him very much. Eventually he went back to normal and finally told me that it was something of a relief to him to know that I was ace – because it meant he didn’t need to worry about having to keep me satisfied and he didn’t need to worry about whether the real reason I didn’t want him was because I didn’t love him enough. So it might be that your boyfriend might find it a relief to know that you’re not interested because you’re ace and he can stop worrying that you secretly want someone else.

      I don’t know him enough to judge, though. You probably know best whether it would be a deal breaker for him, and whether, in that case, he deserves to know.

      • Wow wow wow. Thanks so much for sharing your experience, Marnie. I’ve been in a relationship for almost four years with my boyfriend and we have a child; i’m not worried as Natalie to lose my partner since he’s very comprehensive about all the sex subject, but i am worried about my identity as an asexual person since we have relations regularly. It’s great to know that you can have a partner for that many years and still identify yourself as an asexual.
        As for Natalie, i would give you the same advice as marnie, i think it would be better for your boyfriend to know that you just were born that way, than to give him space to think he’s doing something wrong or that you’re interested in someone else. Good Luck!!

  62. Hi everyone. I’m hoping that maybe I could get some help from you all. I’ve always thought that I was just a regular heterosexual girl. However, recently I’m starting to think otherwise. Maybe?
    I’ve never had a sexual encounter with another person of either sex, and masturbation is pretty much my best friend. Recently I started watching porn as well, and cannot find straight porn attractive. It seems odd and slightly gross to me for guys to have sex with girls. But seeing male on male porn doesn’t bother me, and is about the only thing that seems “sexy” to me.
    I don’t really want to have sex with anyone, male, female or otherwise. I really would just prefer to masturbate. I also can’t imagine myself having sexual contact with anyone else. I’m not sexually attracted to females, I’m also not sexually attracted to males.
    However, I love the idea of heavy kissing and cuddling with both sexes, and I’m physically attracted to males. Romantically I’m interested in both genders, but the only person that I’ve ever felt in love with is my best friend, who recently told me that she identifies as grey ace. Maybe because I’m in love with her my affection is coloring what I would like and dislike in terms of sex, but I was wondering if any of you had any thoughts on what my interests seem to indicate.
    If anyone can I’d love to know what you think I fall on in the sexuality and romantic tendencies spectrum, asexual, bisexual, homoromantic, etc…

    • Hey Eden,
      I acn understand your situation fully. You said that you’re not sexually attracted to females or males yet you are attracted to male on male porn. And to me that makes sense…because personally the way I see it is that you seem asexual yet you still have your female sex drive (hence why you masturbate in the first place – to provide for that “primal desire”) and the way I see it is, if you were straight you’d go for men and you’d have a sex drive geared towards men but because you could be asexual your sex drive for men is still present and male on male seems to be the only means of satisfying that. You can be asexual and masturbate because of your libido/sex drive and that doesn’t define your sexuality. I’ve personally noticed I masturbate because it’s the only way I can please my sex drive. But it’s all very complex when you sit down and think about it all and you can get very confused about your actions or views and its understandable. And I’ve noticed you just need to go ahead and do what you want. If you live her romantically persue that relationship if that’s what you want. I’ve only discovered a proper understanding of asexuality a few weeks ago because I was going through tough periods in my life…you wanted to know what “classification you fall under and that seems to be very hard to determine online however I’ve come to realise its not so important to know whether and which classification you fall under but rather if there’s at least one other person who feels like you. Because I’ve noticed that seems to be the best way of feeling both okay with your present life or simply to reach some kind of reassurance and closure. My name is derikkinsley and I have a comment I believe just three spaces above and I go through a similar thing other than a few other odd things added on top and if you can please read it and give me your opinions…I hope all goes well and make sure you ask others of your questions as I’m still relatively quite young and inexperienced in this field.
      All the best,

  63. Holy crap. Finally a forum I can sink my teeth into. Been googling for labels, help, psych advice, explanations, etc for awhile now. Finally typed the word asexual and found this site. I have so much to say, question, ask, and relate that I will have to go to Word to process it all so I (we) can make some sense of it, if that can be. But as a preview: my story and life involves feeling so alone, introverted in a way that I always thought was a good thing, uninterested/uncomfortable in sexual relationships, yet having a physical need for sex expressed through masturbation, the need and want for strong deep affection with someone, while never allowing myself to have that due to my “secret” fear, guilt, and/or aversion to and for intercourse. Because of the embarrassment of all of this I have chosen and come to accept a life of solitude and loneliness. I think I will read the other 2 chapters before I write my full “epitaph.” Thanks for this site.

  64. ok so, if i’m actually interested on just trying out sex, and ocasionally masturbating but never actually thought of it off a causal encounter, am i still asexual?

    i mean, i don’t really find anybody attractive, much less someone who i would have sex with, but i am interested in actually doing it, just for the pleasure it might give me… of course taking into account that i’m a vigin…but again…is this just because i’ve never experienced it or just because i’m weird?

    • Action does not equal attraction. You can feel good and still have desire to do it without experiencing sexual attraction. If you do not feel sexual attraction, then you are indeed still asexual.

  65. Okay so heres the thing:

    I get hormonal, or horny or whatever, so I try to work with those and watch porn and after I get done the rest of the porn seems really boring. I also dont want to have sex, ever. It grosses me out like “hey I love you let me put my awkward veiny appendage in your hole” ???? I find guys attractive and want to date some and I can tell if a girl is attractive but im not attracted to them. So even if I dont want to have sex with them, and I still get turned on, am I asexual or am I just a weird normal straight chick?

    • Sexual behavior does not equal attraction. If you’re not attracted, you’re asexual. You may have use checking out the term autochorrisexual, it’s a classification of asexuals as of right now and that’s what it sounds like you might be.

  66. I’ve recently started seeing that I may be asexual. I love my bf but I do not see him in a sexual way. He doesn’t know and neither does anyone else. I despise the fact that I feel like I am obligated to have sex. It’s nothing but a very awkward uncomfortable situation for me and I just want someone to talk to about it. ..

    • I felt the same way with my ex-boyfriend, and never told him. it’s sort of funny now, but whenever he’d want to have sex I’d have a thought like “I guess this is happening now”, or I’d just want to sigh like I was pouting over having to do a chore.

  67. I found this interesting, especially the part of being straight by default. I’ve always dated guys, but I never had the desire for something sexual. I can see people as attractive or unattractive, but it’s not really in a sexual sense. It was more like my attitude of seeing pretty scenery or a painting. I never really thought much about my disinterest in sex in high school, and just associated it with my lack of interest in having a serious relationship in general. The only reason I began dating in middle school through high school was because my friends were doing it, and guys would ask me out. I’d compare them to my friends boyfriends, and if they were as attractive I’d date them. The immature me then never expected anything from the relationships, and couldn’t understand how my friends would get so obsessed with them. In college I wanted to actually try to have a real relationship, and have had multiple ones where I really tried to make a connection. My most recent relationship lasted over a year, and despite loving my boyfriend I never wanted to have sex. It was something I faked or went along with to make him happy. It was after this break up that I started to look back, and couldn’t imagine myself as gay or bi. After reading this article I feel like everything that was puzzling me earlier makes so much more sense. Thanks for writing it!

    • oh man, still a virgin, but that describes me perfectly despite this. I look at people I’m attracted to as art.. but then again, I am a virgo moon, so… never gonna have sex, I expect. never ever. just… EWWW. ;)

      mmm art pieces… what if we never find a person to spend a significant amount of time with because we too often keep our standards at an unreasonable level due to this sense of art? eeek!

      • I mean, how much lower do we have to put those standards, yeah? and why can’t we just look at people without our bodies saying we don’t want to? what’s up with that, yeah? ;)

  68. I stumbled across this, as today I have been feeling pretty much like some sort of science project, as I have a lot over my 56 years of life, never having married, or had children. I have never, even as a child, really liked physical contact. When I was a teenager, I had crushes, all the time, but was also shy, so I never really acted on them. In my 20’s, I tried dating, but never got beyond kissing, which I really didn’t enjoy either. I honestly felt like a freak most of my adult life, until I found the term Asexual. And I thought, aha, that is me, that is me and now I know. I have viewed porn, and while it is somewhat titillating, honestly I find it mostly messy, kind of repulsive, and for the most part, the people in porn either have tremendous self control, or they are really not into it, because I cannot imagine going for that long without an orgasm, if that is the point of it all. Anyway, it is nice to know you are not alone, but it still makes me feel sad, that I am the person who never. Never married, never had a child, no grandkids, you just feel like you are always on the fringes, not quite fitting in.

  69. Hi, thanks so much for this post.

    I’ve been thinking for a while about my sexuality, and I’ve sort of known for a long time that I wasn’t exactly the straightest person around, because I never really felt any sort of inclination towards women. I just assumed that I was homosexual, because I had to fit somewhere on that spectrum, even if I did have feelings for a girl for a long time. I never really felt sexual desire for anyone, real or imagined, and only ever pretended to like so-and-so because I wanted to be liked by my friends.

    I’m actually sort of sad that I am asexual. And scared. I know for a fact that my friends wont accept me if they knew – I know one of them sees it as “unnatural” – and I’ll probably just keep on pretending. But at least I’m certain now, that has to be worth something. I just used to think that I had extremely high standards, and whilst I can still have feelings about someone I can’t really find anyone sexually attractive.

    It makes sense: I’ve always found sex bizarre. I always try to avoid conversations about relationships. All I need to do now is convince my friend that I’m not interested in this girl he is trying to set me up, without revealing that I’m an asexual. That’ll be fun.

    Anyway, thanks a lot for this post, it was really helpful. Though I’m kind of down now that I realize I wont be having a family any time soon.

  70. Hi thank you for this post.
    I think I’m asexual. I’ve never had sex and have never been in a relationship with someone before. Everytime a guy tries to approach me, I’ll freak out and back off. Also I still can tell if a guy is attractive. I do feel aroused in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in a sexual activities therein.

    I have a crush on a guy, I’ve liked him since I was in middle school (im 18yo now) but now I’m confused if I still like him or not anymore. I did think a lot about him back when I was in middle school. But not anymore now. I don’t know if that’s because we don’t meet each other anymore or what, idk.

    Every time my girl friends talk about boys they like, I don’t get the excitement like they do. I just sit queitly and listen to their talk.

    So yeah.. (Sorry for my english, not my native language.)

    • as far as I’m concerned, oh yes. I’ve come across several instances over the years, researching topics of interest as I sometimes do ( I find this stuff by accident mostly when I’m looking for something else and then an article will catch my eye) several albeit rare instances where children as young as three were very clear about it, and had the presence of mind to know what they were about. But not everyone is like that. Diversity. ;) be well.

  71. I am 17 next month and not sure about my sexuality.
    If asked, I would probably identify as straight – yes, I find males (usually those older than me) attractive but I believe that I’m more drawn to things like their accent or their personality than looks. I mean, yeah, looks influence it but it’s not the only thing. I have never honestly thought about someone sexually unless it was in an analytical way.

    I have never masturbated (in any way) but I do read erotica from time to time but often find myself getting bored or skipping to the actual plot. I have never been in a relationship or felt the urge to. I have liked guys in that ‘crush’ kind of way but if any of them asked me out, I wouldn’t hesitate in rejecting them.

    Recently, a guy tried to touch me. I felt it was more of an annoyance than a turn on and very quickly stopped him.

    I suppose I do get aroused but I have never had the urge to act upon it. Even cleaning down there in the shower is something done with minimal contact and certainly no lingering.

    Am I just uptight and inexperienced or is my sexuality not what I have believed it was?

    • Also, my earlier crushes (and perhaps my later ones too) were just a way to follow the crowd. Everybody else liked this guys, he was nice, yeah, I think I like him too.

      I recently considered dating but then was having second thoughts. He was physical, wanting to muck around and I didn’t even want to kiss him and made a point to keep him from that. If I did date him, I don’t think it would have worked out for that reason.
      I don’t remember experiencing any urges, ever. At about 14, I began pursuing erotica just to see what the hype was about and I was more excited over the fact that here’s some forbidden stuff than oh look at what these people are DOING. And it hasn’t changed much since then. I hear about guys and girls younger than me having sex and it honestly disgusts me as I could only imagine even TRYING sex as a romantic thing with somebody I love a lot.

      And when these younger people try to coerce me into sex, it annoys me that they could throw it around so casually – not because I think it’s sacred but because I have no interest in doing it and, as I said, would only do it if my romantic partner NEEDED it.

    • nahh. you’re fine. I explore too, being celibate, sex-repulsed, virgin nad definitely probably ace (asexual.) But I dunno, it’s like… I touch myself, just to see what’s down there and make sure the bits are all right and stuff… but, it’s like… touching your face when you’ve gotten the numbing agent from the dentist, you know? It… feels… nothing. But then I have ADD (attention deficit disorder) so, very low libido to begin with, plus I’m a virgo moon. lol. It’s okay honey. ;) it’s okay! ;)

  72. While a lot of these things listed in the article are true for plenty of asexual people, I wanted to make it very clear that this is not always the case. Asexuality is only defined by lack of attraction. Personally, I still think I could take pleasure from sex and I still have a libido. Libido and attraction are completely separate, as are sexual attraction and romantic attraction. The most annoying question I get is “so you don’t like anyone?”. THATS NOT WHAT IT MEANS. Asexual people can still feel romantic attraction. I don’t get why people have to overcomplicate such a simple concept– asexual people do not experience sexual attraction. That’s it.

  73. ok so im still not sure if im asexual or not for a few different reasons and im looking for some guidance here. so yeah this whole article pretty much described me…. but im confused with the whole “default straight thing”. so im a girl and i definitely dont like girls but then again i dont really have a sexual attraction to anything… i can label people as cute or hot like it said but like…. can you be asexually straight or something? because asexuals still date and stuff right? and like… i like the idea of a relationship and everything just not really the “sex” part that doesnt interest me whatsoever (like how this article described it as a sport your not interested in) and i wouldnt date a girl but then i would date a boy? but id have no sexual attraction to said boy…. and like i could fangirl over the whole cute thing but its not the boys appearance that is cute to me so what am i then? if im not anything but would be straight if i was something but not than what am i? im just really really confused and i need some advice please someone respond

    • Hi Cas, yes, you can be asexually straight :) It’s a well known thing, in fact, that romantic orientation is separate from sexual orientation. You can want to have a special intimate relationship with someone without wanting sex with them. Asexuals can be heteroromantic, biromantic, homoromantic, panromantic or aromantic (aromantic is where they don’t do the romance thing either.) I’m the same as you, so I’m a heteroromantic asexual. It’s a bit of a mouthful, but it eliminates confusion, I think.

    • It sounds like you are confusing Asexuality with Homosexuality. You can be straight, gay, or other and still not want to have sex with anyone. It is the not being interested in sex with another person that makes you Asexual. You can date, although if you do, you need to make it clear up front or the other person will not be happy.

    • Hi sweetie, let me introduce you to the lovely world of orientations.

      You have: sexual, romantic, and gender orientation. What we’re talking about is the first two. Your romantic orientation does not come packed with your sexual orientation, but they’re also not mutually exclusive. You can be of mixed orientation, which sounds like you might be. If you are romantically attracted to boys, then you are heteromantic. You have no sexual attraction, so you would be asexual. What you’re experiencing, by thinking a boy is cute, is aesthetic attraction. That’s just finding someone attractive, but not sexually.

      Identify how you want, but everything you described sounds like a heteromantic asexual. Welcome to the club!

  74. i have a question, there are celebrities i feel sexually attracted to and sometimes think/fantasize having something with them. but if it were to actually happen i don’t think i would want in on any of it? if they’re shirtless and say their pants are so low on their pelvis id think of pulling it down but really i don’t. genitals disgust me and i wouldnt want to see it. like i enjoy the thought/imagination/idea but not the act? i’m not like this with people in real life though. when it comes to people in real life i never fantasize or even imagine anything sexual with anyone. i’m sort of confused what to identify this as. any help?

    • [cont-] i do find certain people in real life “hot” “sexy” “attractive” but it never passes that stage. i fantasize about things too (of imaginary people because imagining it with people i know in real life makes me uncomfortable and disgusted?) & masturbate but yeah…that’s pretty much where it ends. i don’t like the idea of anything beyond that? :\

      • I’m similar, in that I also fantasize about celebs or characters out of a book (David Tennant, Artemis Fowl). As for the act itself, I think about sex and I read a fair amount of erotic fiction but, if I thought of myself and someone in that situation where sex was a possibility, then no. Never happen. Thinking about a real, physical person touching me freaks me out. So I consider myself as asexual since I don’t like people touching me in that way and I don’t see myself as having sex with anyone, for any reason. I don’t masturbate though so you’re on your own there x

    • I have always had an active fantasy life. But when real opportunities come along, I always run. I don’t really want to BE with anyone, but I do often think about it. I find the actual act of sex with someone as messy, complicated, and frankly, kind of disgusting. I have never really liked close contact with people, touching, being close. I like people, just need to be at arm’s length. Hope this helps. By the way, I am 56, so I guess I know myself as well as I ever will.

      • i understand that very well and also don’t enjoy physical contact as they make me uncomfortable. do you think i could consider myself asexual or gray-a ?

        • I don’t think we need to worry so much about labels. The bottom line is, if you don’t want sex with anyone, what does it matter? I have never understood the gray A, or any of the other labels. If you find any sex attractive enough to be in a relationship, but you don’t like sex, you are Asexual. But if you need to, then yes.

  75. You have my gratitude for putting this. For all of my childhood and teen years, I never felt a single sexual urge, and I was extremely confused as to what I was. Was I homosexual? Bisexual? Heterosexual? I couldn’t find any category to fit in, but now I have, and you have my thanks.

  76. I identify as pansexual right now, but I think I may be asexual, panromantic. I’m pushing my identity away from myself because I don’t want to believe that I’m asexual. I just lack interest in sex and I guess I could say I’m even repulsed by it, but society had forced sexual relations on me so much that identifying as ace feels horrible and makes me feel like a freak. My parents keep telling me that I haven’t found ‘the one’ yet and that I’m too young to have a libido. I’m pretty sure all teenagers want sex at one point or another, but I just don’t see the point in it and never have. It’s upsetting to think about really. I feel like I’ll never be able to have a normal relationship because of this.

  77. Thanks for the post and the replies. I finally find out why my friend and his friend (also his student) looked at me in amazement or whatever that was when I commented on sexual activities of men. It is so real and funny. Just like what you wrote, I think of sex as part of many realms of which people can study scientifically. I think of sex in anthropological and scientific terms. I forgot what my friend and his student were actually saying in our conversation a couple years ago. I remember commenting on that with a brief reply similar to this, ‘People want to have sex and they have sex. I don’t understand what is the big deal about it. Men hire prostitutes. This is a fact. Why can’t people face it directly and talk openly about it?’ Now I read this post, I immediately understand why they reacted like that. They were shocked by my openness.

    I also understand why my friends and I had awkward moments when we were on the topics of sex and relationships. In my first or second year of college, my female friend told me that when people date others, they eat together, go to special places together, enjoy the time together, etc. I then replied, ‘I can do these with my family and friends too. I can do these with you.’ She laughed and added, ‘They find each other sexually attractive.’ I didn’t understand that. What did she mean by sexually attractive? I wondered. Sometime later my male friend and I were chatting and touched on topics of people dating, having sex, when to have sex and with whom, and exchanging our views on sexual activities like anal sex and oral sex. It was a long candid conversation. I repeated the conversation I had with my female friend. He paused and said, ‘Sexually attractive?…’ He didn’t laugh at me.

    Other than those times, I also had been in situations that the other parties had a hard time understanding me and I had a hard time understanding them, when we were on the topics of sex and relationships, sexual desire and sex-related jokes, etc. Sometimes it was embarrassing and caused us discomfort and confusion. I felt puzzled because I didn’t get the point and I didn’t feel that way at all ever. Things got more complicated and not so light when one of my friends told me about his desire to start a romantic and sexual relationship with me. He (and I too) didn’t expect the way I reacted. I didn’t expect him saying things like those at all. Not my best reactions ever, but what else could I do differently? My reactions were probably not normal, if there is such a thing called the norm. The thing he asked for was alien to me. I rejected both his requests seriously and, hopefully, politely explaining that I couldn’t give him what he wanted and I wished him finding a good person later. I kind of knew that I hurt his feelings, but I made it clear that I didn’t want a relationship like that. I was hurt too. I wanted pure friendship. No more, no less. At the end things were never like before, like the time when his wishes were unknown to me. Now when I think of it, I realise for the first time I never asked him because the questions just come up in my mind, years after the incident: ‘When did the whole thing start? When did he start to have such desires to have a romantic and sexual relationship with me while I always treat him as my friend, before, during and after the event?’ Even when I think of this at this moment, I can’t stand how insensitive I have been with his invitations and the signals. I am blessed that my phlegm and determination carry me through many difficult situations, but that time was quite hard, and I frankly had no clue how to react better. Afterwards, when we both calmed down, he mentioned to me that sometimes my words and deeds could cause misunderstandings; and I didn’t understand the context in the way he understood. I didn’t fully understand his meanings. My another friend (one of my best friends) knew about that event when I confessed to him my frustration and confusion. He warned me. I didn’t thoroughly comprehend his words. Now I learn of and about asexuality. His words finally make sense to me now.

    It is sometimes a difficult thing for me to fit into and understand well this world with sexual people and their almost incomprehensible words and deeds regarding sex and relationships. I forget that sex is important to many people. To be more exact, I don’t understand why sex plays a very important role when people develop relationships and intimacy. That is a gap in understanding. I don’t crave for sex and I don’t want to crave for it. Sometimes I forget that some others do crave for it.

    I don’t care about labels e.g. gay, lesbian, bi, heterosexual. I have friends that identify themselves as these. I like my friends, respect and treasure them. We notice that I am different and sometimes my incapability to understand sexual context causes some laughable situations and the above circumstance, which is not so laughable. Until I come across the term ‘asexual’ and study it like I do with sciences, I didn’t understand what went wrong with me or what is missing in me, if there is something wrong or missing at all. I can study sex as part of biology, and I did. I however cannot connect people’s emphasis on sex with relationship building and maintaining. When my friend wrote me that his old friends taking pills to ‘feel like 18 again’ and bragging about it, I expressed that I didn’t understand the need. I studied the business model and market success and medical origin of Viagra, but I don’t understand why men think they need Viagra. It is a blank for me, thus I couldn’t write about why. The psychological aspect is incomprehensible to me.

    The first and only time I watched pole dance, I only concerned the beauty of the movements and the tough practices the dancers went through. I tried to read some erotic comics but gave it up after reading a page of two (at most a few) of explicit sexual depiction, noting down in my diary years ago that ‘I couldn’t stand it. It is not my cup of tea’. I look at attractive beings and art works appreciating only the aesthetic beauty. Like artists appreciate the Muses but don’t have any thought to have sex with the Muses. Like grateful believers appreciate the beauty that the nature/god(s) grants and cherish the beauty.

    I don’t watch pornography. I don’t feel it attractive or appealing. I read saucy texts occasionally but don’t get the punch line. When I feel like it, I pick on how scientifically impossible or illogical some descriptions in some novels are. I don’t view nudity as something sexually enticing. I don’t understand or appreciate BDSM and why some people prefer and love that. I don’t go to night clubs and strip clubs. I don’t like prostitution, the hard truths behind the scenes and the intertwined web of prostitution and the underworld. I don’t like treating women (in fact anyone of any gender/sex) as commodities. I hate people calling others sluts, faggots or other offensive terms as such. I loathe sexually inappropriate indecent contacts, sexual harassments, sexual assaults and sexual abuses, especially those targeting children. I find child abusers and sexual offences against children extremely repulsive, and they deserve very harsh punishments and stern measures.

    Whether people choose to label themselves asexual or sexual, the truth is that everyone is different, and there is a need to accept diversity in terms of gender and sexual orientations and to oblige the morals.

    For those wanting to understanding yourselves better, I suggest writing a diary. Maybe you don’t know and understand as much as you wish for now, but years later, you may and probably will have a great comprehension of the self. Many things and thoughts didn’t make sense to me when I was younger. Many signs have I missed. You may encounter similar situations. Keep a diary. Years pass. When you re-read your diary of which you wrote years ago, you see the signs you ignored or neglected and things that you simply couldn’t and didn’t notice. You weren’t observing while you lived. It is only after the time has passed, and you can view the past calmly and with acceptance and more maturity, can you learn about yourself without rose-coloured spectacles and the burdens you once had. Living your life is like accumulating glass plates for photography and astronomy. Only after one has a sizeable collection and much experience and knowledge, can he pull the plates out and study them meticulously and have the greatest probability to figure out what was going on and to comprehend the truth from different angles.

  78. You don’t think about sex.= this is true… well. never cross my mind

    You realize that everyone else thinks about sex in a completely different manner than you do.= i always tought it was for reproduction, i dont get it if it for other else

    I don’t find people “hot”.= i kinda dislike when saying hot or sexy, i prefer good looking, gorgeous or cute.

    I find most porn to be boring or unappealing.= its so overrated for me

    I never had “urges”.= yes.. when i have its not naturally from me but pretending

    You think of sex in anthropological or scientific terms, rather than romantic or erotic terms. = i always tought it was for reproduction. not anything else… like people do.
    You don’t understand what the big deal is. You haven’t had sex for [insert significant amount of time here], so why are other people so worked up about going without for two weeks? = i dont understand why sex is so appealing

    Sex is totally alien to you.
    There’s this thing that everyone else does. It’s on TV, it’s in movies, there are magazines devoted to it, songs about it, books about it. It’s everywhere, all the time. Some people are obsessed by it. They can spend their whole lives chasing it, and sometimes it ruins them. = yah.. i dont get it whats the fun about it actually.

    You’ve thought, “I’m straight (/gay/bi/etc), but not very good at it”.-= i always tought i was straight because i still like guys,squish way, and rare for me to get crushes. until i found asexuality.

    You’ve thought, “I must be straight by default”.

  79. I assumed I was lesbian because men grossed me out, but now I now that woman are sorta gross too. Asexuality is just the lack of sexual urges. I have sexual urges. However, I really don’t want to have sex. My friends tell me that I am confused or scared. I don’t think I am. What is wrong with me? I am a healthy, normal teen. Why don’t I act like it? Is there even a real reason that I must choose right now anyways? I feel like I’m being pressured. Is this some kind of mental condition?

    • I really think if you are only in your teens, maybe you just aren’t ready. It took me the better part of my life to realize who I am. Teens have sex way too soon, I for one, if I was going to, would want to be in a committed relationship before sex came into it. But for me, dating was never comfortable, and I never wanted to have it turn into sex, so finally I realized this was who I am.

    • I think all humans can biologically feel urges, it continues the race and prevent extinction, and that asexuality is when there is no need to act upon them. I do feel urges, but don’t feel a need for “satisfaction” when it happens. But, I don’t know if this “disqualifies” me in terms of asexuality, I can have crushes. It’s more of an emotional bond for me. I like to spend time with them, and so do they. I’m starting to ramble, so I’ll just stop before I make a two-page long comment.

      • I may have misexplained my feelings a few times, after all sexuality is fluid. And I’ve been back and forth between asexual and demisexual depending on your terms of “disqualifications”. I’m not sure if I don’t feel the urge to act upon them in most situations is because I’m asexual or because there isn’t no real emotional attachment there, making me demisexual.

      • I feel lonely, would love a companion in life, but not the sex. But then again, I feel urges now and then, but it is more of a biological need for release, not for something with another person. I often, especially now that I am older, feel sad that I have no one to eat with, watch TV with, take walks with. That is what I wish for, the companionship of another person, without all the messy complications. Alas, I feel it is impossible.

    • Going off of what Julia said, asexuals can have sexual urges. Such as the urge to masturbate, but they do not get these from people or whatnot. The lack of sexual urges they are descrbing corrspond with getting these with another person/porn. If you masturbate you may still be asexual.

  80. All these coments have helped me so much to understand what asexual really means. I feel like a fit with almost all of the “sympthoms” of being asexual, but i’m not sure if i really am one because i’ve been in a relationship for almost four years (first kiss, first “time”, first boyfriend) and we have a daughter togheter; we have sex regularly but i don’t feel sexually atracted to him, and when we have sex, i get aroused for a few minutes and then it changes from “let’s have sex” to “let’s finish this quick”. I like the idea of hugging and kissing him while we’re on bed but i don’t get excited about the idea of the sex act itself. I don’t know if i’m asexual or just a “cold” person. I’m confused and a little sad cause i feel like i’ve finally found people like me but then again, “how the hell are you asexual if you have a boyfriend and a child?!?”

  81. I truly have been struggling with what to identify myself as for years. I am very young and I am a virgin, and there are many reasons as to why I’m a virgin but I think the most primary reason is because my sex drive is minuscule. Sometimes I envision myself participating in sexual intercourse but whenever the opportunity is physically occurring I immediately become turned off, I feel uncomfortable, and I want to get out of the situation as soon as I can. I have seriously been struggling with this for as long as I can remember and I really don’t know what to think of it. I believe I am straight and I can identify somebody that I think is attractive as “hot” but I say it because they appear attractive, not because I want to have sex with them (if that makes any sense). I constantly feel pressured by those around me and by society to engage in any sexual activity but I feel as though my desire to have sex is so small that it just doesn’t matter. I have suffered with anxiety and depression throughout my life as an adolescent and I’m not sure if that has anything to do with my lack of wanting to have sex. I feel like I’m some sort of an outsider because I don’t have much of a desire to have sex. Anybody’s thoughts or opinions would be extremely helpful, thank you.

  82. Honestly, you have me in tears right now. I was speaking with a counselor about my sexuality, and she suggested that I might be aesexual. She couldn’t recommend any sort of literature to inform me about this complex, (I assume it was because she mostly worked with members of the homosexual community, which I assumed I was apart of at the time) but she instructed me to do some digging to see if I could relate to others who are certain they have this unique type of sexuality. I found most of your experiences relatable to that of my own, especially those in the area of sex and relationships. This is something that I have been struggling to understand since I entered middle school, and I’m overjoyed that I have someone I can relate to about this.

  83. After reading everything i came to think i might be asexual but not sure. Im in my late 20s and have never had a relationship with anyone. My first love was back when i was 12, i liked this kid so much that i sobbed for days when i found out he got a girlfriend, so i think im not aromantic, but not once did i wish to “go out” with him. I just liked him n that was it. Never thought about kissing him or hugging him or anything like that. And i have never liked anyone since. I still get confused when friends tell me “hey that guy that just walked by was so cute” or “there is a cute guy at my work” because i guess i dont really look at people that way or am just not interested. I understand “handsome looking” or “pretty” and have a favorite actors and singers which i think are cute, but i could never imagine being in a romantic relationship with them. It just feels weird and wrong. I was pushed to go on dates with guys by a worried friend but i just felt very uncomfortable and wished to be home and watch tv. When the guys would give me a good bye hug or try to touch me i felt nothing and it reminded me of playing with my 10 year old nephew. I feel like i share so much with the definition of asexuality and parts of me want to say yes i finally found my place but some parts of me is scared that no one will accept me even if i “come out” because i have been told that im weird so many times by so many people for not liking anyone.

    • You just described how I feel too, I’ve had crushes but when my friends told me to go out with them or anything I didn’t really want to, I was content with just liking them and spending time around them instead of the actual dating part, I didn’t really want to do the whole kissing or making out parts. When I was younger I didn’t understand how people were able to tell who was ‘hot’ or ‘cute’ or anything, so I had to teach myself to tell the differences but it doesn’t matter to me. Throughout high school I tried to keep it secret that I hadn’t dated anyone or liked many people because then they would try to get me to go on dates, and I had just accepted that I was weird and never knew that asexuality existed. I learned about asexuality a couple months ago and didn’t really give it much thought because I thought I was still just weird and it wasn’t until this article that I really accepted that I was asexual and that its not as weird or out of place as I was told. I plan to be open about this now, as even though some people will just tell me I’m confused, I know this is something I identify with and it must be true so there is no reason to hide what I feel, as people do in normal sexual relationships.

  84. I’m very confused as to what my sexuality is. I’m attracted to men but only in the romantic way. I’ve never really thought of having sex with men. Maybe when I was first learning about sex. I’ve had crushes and such but never really been sexually attracted to them. Women on the others hand I am sexually and romantically attracted to them. I’ve never dated either or kissed either, anything really but and romantically and sexually attracted to women . I’m having really hard time figuring my sexuality out.

    • If you are a woman: Homosexual (Lesbian) Biromantic
      If you are a man: Heterosexual Biromantic

      There is sexual orientation and romantic orientation. You would fix under thoses catergories based on your gender. The sexual part is who is making you feel horny or wanting sex. The romantic part is who makes you want to date or have a romantic relationship with. They are two different things. Asexuals can have romantic relationships, but they do not feel the sexual attraction you mentioned.

  85. I have a lot of the symtoms mentioned above. I think the worst one as sex being pointless and whats so exciting about it. I also have no thoughts about sex, I was asked if I wake up with a woody! The answer is no and really had no idea what any one was talking about. I’ve been to many doctors and not one of them could help me out. Its tough to understand my friends go crazy over an attractive lady and all I sex is a pleasant female person.

  86. It happens to me that I write erotic novels and I’ve never known anyone with who I wanna do all the stuff I write. hahaha And I¿ve never been in love in 24 years of life, I’m virgin and I’m not even worried about it

  87. I feel like most od these describe me but I’m still a bit confused. I am attracted to both genders but at the same time I’m not. I really can’t tell whether a person is hot not, just if they are cute. I dont really feel any sexual attraction to anyone and I don’t fantisize about it, unless you count my pairings between characters. Only fantasies I see myself doing with someone else is holding hands or hugging. I’m scared to to even kiss someone or think about it. For a year now I’ve known I’ve been bisexual at least in think I am. I’ve been in two relationships last year, my first one was one sided (and the guy wanted some and I refused) and my second one was taking it slow since I’ve never really been in a real relationship. My second one worked a bit but I wasn’t feeling it. I never actually felt real feelings towards him. He said he would’ve like it if we kissed, even if it was only on the cheek, but I was scared to. I am very confused because on one hand I want a relationship, and on the other I dont because I’m afraid. I’m really more afraid and disinterested than anything, though. I’m really trying to discover who I am. All my friends have it known but me.

    • It seems like you are. I’m a teen so I haven’t had any relationships sexual or otherwise (I’m not allowed to date), but I do also feel attracted to both sides but not to everyone. I can’t really say “that person is hot” honestly, though I can say their cute. I’m also honestly not interested in sex and haven’t really felt that way about anyone.

  88. Sorry I didn’t mean to post yet~
    I can really see myself “doing it” with anyone but I can see holding hands and hugging and adorable couple things like that. Even though I’ve never dated and can’t until I’m older, I don’t really want to have an intimate relationship. Now that I know there’s someone else like me I think I can confidently say I’m asexual. I have confidence that if you do feel asexual then you are, because I feel the same way as you do.

    • You know, I see so many of these posts, from teenagers, who are simply not ready for sex. I thought I wanted it, you see, I have always had normal bodily urges, but it is the attraction thing that I can’t get past. I used to see cute guys and daydream about all kinds of things, but actually doing them, was another story. I can see a great looking man, and think, wow, he’s gorgeous. Same as appreciating a beautiful woman, think how they are sexy, but to me, no one is sexy enough to have sex with. So, before you declare yourself, wait till you are older, and wiser, and then you can decide. It took me till I was 40 to really come to terms with this.

  89. I’m gray-ace and bi, and I do think about sex…just not in the same way everyone else does. Like, I have a high libido and in that sense am a very sexual person, and when I look at someone hot I can definitely admire the view and sometimes be aroused by them, but there’s usually little to no interest in actually having sex. And I’ll talk openly about sex in an anthropological, social, and scientific way that embarasses people.

  90. Question: If I don’t mind looking at or thinking about sexual things, but I don’t feel the need or desire for sex, would I be asexual? Like, i know what sex is, I know what happens in it, but I never have experienced, or complained about it.

  91. I’m The only person in my friend group who doesn’t want to have kids. Who doesn’t want sex and doesn’t want to share their personal life with anybody. So discouraging sometimes when you don’t feel deserving of a partner anyways

    • this is me too :( and it’s hard being in your early 20s and having people tell you that you’re weird for not wanting children and not wanting to have sex :/

  92. So glad I finally understand. Most of my age group are out dating and/or having sex and I just couldn’t figure out why dating didn’t appealed to me or sex in general. Most times when thinking of dating it would be going for a meal or whatever and I could never figure out how it was meant to be different from friends. Also it is flattering when someone tells me I’m beautiful but I never got why people had sex in the first place. Any mentions of sex and I’m trying to work out the physics or looking up terms. Relationships just never seemed to work with me not being able to know what the other half wanted and it generally just felt awkward with both genders. Probably didn’t help that even when someone kisses me I just don’t know what to do and would really rather just hug or cuddle.

  93. I’ve finally realized I’m asexual (or gray ace I guess?) at 24. For the longest time I considered myself pansexual but this year I’ve finally realized I don’t want sex really with anyone. I find people aesthetically pleasing and will say “hé’s/she’s gorgeous!!” but the actual thought of having sex with them doesn’t even cross my mind. There’s only one instance I’ve actually enjoyed sex tbh. And I think it wasn’t even the actual sex I was enjoying, but the closeness of that person because I really liked him. I haven’t had sex in like 2 years now and I honestly go the rest of my life without it. I’m so glad that I’ve finally stopped feeling like something was wrong with me and there are others out there.

  94. Hello.

    This is an interesting post. I’ve thought about this from time to time. I resonate with many of the ideas here. I’m not going to say too much but whilst a part of me likes the idea of categorising my sexuality or lack of it another part finds it distasteful to want to put myself in a box of sorts.

    I’m a long time single bloke, almost 40, not unattractive, for a long time have had a stable job but I’ve recently found the idea of relationships a curious one – trying to work out why people enter into them (since it is well…normal) – especially given that I’ve never really bothered with them.

    Am I attracted to people sexually? Not really. There was probably one time when I felt something that was very unusual (and out of character) for me a few years back.

    Something that adds a layer of complication is that for 25 years or so I was part of a very conservative religious organistion which really screws with your thinking on some of these things too.

    Personally I just accept that life is curious – static categories and definitions will never capture the entirety of human experience.

    Best regards,

  95. With sexuality becoming a more and more diverse subject in today’s society, I’ve been finding that I feel a little lost.
    “What if I’m not straight? What if I’m bi? Wait, I really like him. Does that mean I’m not gay? What if I really AM straight, and am just trying to label myself as something else for some reason?”
    In my quest to figure out what–or, who—I am, I found these three “Possible Signs of Asexuality” posts. I’ve definitely felt a lot of resonance with everything mentioned in these posts, but I also have a nagging worry that I’m merely trying to label myself. Perhaps I want to feel like I stand out, perhaps I’m trying to feel like I fit in. I’m not even sure how I feel anymore. Will things become clear with time? Or should I just let everything go and stop worrying altogether? Thanks for your time.

  96. thank you very much for this post .. as soon as I read it everything became so clear and i am without a doubt an asexual .. i was confused for years and seriously didn’t know what is wrong with me.. i’ve had a few crushes on both boys and girls and was very attached to them and my heart would pound llike crazy when we talk together.. but the thought of having sex with them never crossed my mind it would even disgust me.. i didn’t know if i was straight or lesbian or bisexual or what.. i read erotica a lot because it’s fun but it never makes me wanna do anything or turns me on .. in fact nothing turns me on .. i don’t even what horniness feel like .. i was even surprised the first time i knew that people actually masturbate .. i tried doing it a few times myself but i would always lose interest halfway and stop .. i cant fanatasize about real people ever ,much less when i am involved in the fantasy.. i am 19 and a virgin and like you said i dont need to try sex to know that i dont really like it.. however the thing that concerns me is that in my country you only have sex after you get married .. which means that there is no room for expirement .. it’s a great commitment and a huge reponsibility .. i want to be engaged in a romantic relationship and i want to be touched ( not in a sexual way) that’s way i am kinda worried since i do want to get married but i dont want to dissapoint the other party who will devote his whole life for me .. but despite all finding out about my sexuality made me more confident and more understanding for myself and for that i’m grateful ..

    • Hi! I totally understand your worries about marriage! You and I are the same age, and now that I’m in university I feel as if I want a relationship but not in a sexual way. It worries me that my partners will eventually want sex but I have no interest in giving it, so single I stay. I also worry that this will block me from getting more intimate with others, because I want to get married and live and love with someone but…I don’t know, I don’t want to have sex just to please them, because that will only lead to my unhappiness.

  97. I have struggled for many years with my sexuality, and what it means to me. To this day I get very frustrated, and I am uncertain as to whether there’s something wrong with me or whether I’m just asexual, or some other aspect of asexuality.
    I’m in a relationship and have been for the past several years, my girlfriend is very sexual. At the beginning of our relationship we had quite a lot of sex. It was never satisfying for me. It was never particularly enjoyable for me. Shortly after sex would start I would always wish I could just stop and walk away. I continued to try, and I always hoped each time would be different, that I would feel that “feeling”,that others would talk about being so amazing.
    I still give her sex, not very frequently, in fact quite rarely. Every now and then she lets me know how hard it is for her, with my lack of sexual desire.
    I have tried to explain to her that I don’t ever enjoy it. In fact I have never enjoyed having sex. Very frustrating part for me is I REALLY want to. I really want to enjoy having sex!
    I do masturbate, in waves. I can go for very long time without masturbating, then I’ll do it a few times over a short period. It’s never enjoyable either. Every time I do it I wonder why do I bother. I do get turned on, sometimes very turned on. As soon as I start, it takes seconds, at the very most a minute if I really try to hold out, and ultimately it just is blah.
    I enjoy reading erotica, watching ponography, it turns me on, I’ll fantasize about having sex with men and women, mostly with men.
    I consider myself to be bisexual as I have always believed that it doesn’t matter about the gender it is the connection you have with another person.
    I am transman. I thought when I started taking testosterone, that my libido would increase significantly. It hasn’t. I have had a few relationships in the past with women, I have never had a relationship with a man, I have tried to have sex few of times with men, unsuccessfully. Not unwillingness on their part.
    I desire sex, but I don’t care if I ever have it again. At the same time, I feel like I am often obsessed with it, if I could enjoy sex I think I probably be a nymphomaniac! I don’t know whether I making a joke or whether That’s true. Silly as it seems that’s how I feel.

  98. I wonder now how the hell it took me so long to realize that I’m not like 99% of the world’s people. I never understood why people would jeopardize everything they’ve worked for all their lives, for sex. Remember Anthony Weiner? He was a successful democratic congressman who lost everything, all because he had to sext some chick who wasn’t even attractive compared to his lovely wife. I couldn’t understand that. Why jeopardize EVERYTHING for a piece of ass? Never made any sense to me, only because sex never made any sense to me.

    It wasn’t until I discovered Aven and read the stories that I realized how very different I was. Jeez… if only.

    I’ve been married for 26 years and now that my hubby is suffering from diabetes related ED I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. He’s a wonderful caring decent man who loves me unconditionally, and although I’ve always TRIED to make myself sexually available to him it’s only been because HE wanted it. I’ve never enjoyed sex, never been sexually attracted to anyone, never thought to myself “He’s sexy” or “I’d like a go at THAT” . I’ve NEVER wanted sex. EVER.

    I never really even thought about sex, except as a means to please my husband. It’s funny. In fact sex has always been a slightly disgusting thing. Like going potty. Kind of a gross human elimination process. At the same time I knew he wanted it. Because I do love him as my best friend, and because he’s such a decent and beautiful human being, I could never say no to sex. As a result I have 4 beautiful children. Not because I like sex, but because I like my husband. I try to please him. It’s kinda gross, and gives me nothing, but it makes him happy.

    • You have no idea how much hope your comment gives me in terms of my romantic future. Thus far, relationships have always ended for me because guys have made sexual advances and I couldn’t respond the way they wanted. I want to fall in love and have kids and all that jazz, because like any other human being, asexual or not, we all want to be cherished and share a bond with someone.

    • I can remember when viagra first came on the market (yes, I’m that old) and thinking it was the worst thing EVER. Like, wouldn’t there be all these women who had being thinking “finally I can relax!” when their husbands develop ED, and now they’re bitterly disappointed.

  99. Hi,
    In my life I’m still not sure what I am. I’m. It afraid of what ever sexuality I might be. But Here’s the thing: I often fantasize about men sexually, but women in terms of having a romantic relationship. I’ve Dreamt about having a child, but never the sex to get there. I often point out an attractive looking man, or a beautiful woman. But I never want to have a sex with either. I tend to watch gay porn often (straight porn is just disgusting to me). I come off as very feminine, to the point i would have to prove I am masculine in particular categories to others. The thought of someone else liking me and thinks I’m hot is fantastic ! But I am so afraid to give it back, I don’t want any relationship. The thought of two men together doenst bother me, but it’s oddly comforting. Same with women. I just don’t know. I’ve had this inner battle for I years. I don’t feel like I’m in need of a lover, but I would just like to know exactly what I am. I’ve told people I’m asexual because it was the closest thing to not being associated with sex. I mean I’ll admit when a man or a woman is “fine” or “hot”. Help please?

  100. I like boys and girls and i like to kiss and hold hands and all that stuff i have an attraction to them it’s just not sexual it’s like i try to be attracted to people but nothing and i see hot guys and girls on tv and on the street but i’m just not attracted like i know they’re hot but it just does not turn me on i guess in such a way that i would like to have sex but i want to have a relationship and all my friends say the have crushes on are in relationships but … then the turn to me and are like hey ella who do you like and i just say the person they want me to say or the person i want to be in a relationship with. I just don’t not want sex i want sex just in the sense that i want to say i have had sex but the actual thought of doing it just does not faze me … i don’t know i guess the purpose of this is just to get it out and i don’t want to do the whole i don’t like labels because i do i want to know where i stand on the whole sexuality front you know ?

  101. Thank you for taking your time and trouble writing about asexuality. The thing is, my family thinks that I may be abnormal or mental disorder for not taking interest in sexual attraction to any gender. In fact, there are times that they think I am gay, but I don’t feel attracted to male, so that’s obviously out. Same goes to female. However, it’s not that I don’t feel sexuality, as I understand it very well, but the thing is, I have never find the “ideal” type to actually feel sexual before. Basically, I have look at many human walking by, starting a conversation, do an activity, etc, but none pass my ideal sexuality; therefore, I don’t feel any sexual attraction to any of them. I tried to watch porn and other things that may boost my sexuality, but none appealed to me in any ways. It’s as if I am a sociopath who doesn’t feel anything and lacking something. However, I do feel sexuality when I imagine my “ideal” partner, but in terms of reality, nothing really works. Basically, no one fits my ideal type; therefore, I will remain asexual. It has to be an ideal type of mine in order for me to feel sexual. What category does this puts me in?

  102. Hi! I am an 18 year old girl, and i am very confused. I like boys and girls, i like their bodies, and the idea of falling in love with a girl doesnt bother me. However, i never get turned on by looking at the celebrities that i love. Or maybe sometimes, but it only happens with some girls. What does this mean? I would think “wow, i would love to have sex with her/him” but i dont feel arousal. Or as i said, sometimes, but only with girls. Am i asexual? Am i a lesbian? I am so unsure about my sexuality and always been, and it would be nice to figure it out :(

  103. I’m so so confused right now. I have never heard of this before. Here’s where it gets weird for me. I’m married. For nearly 6 years now. I have 2 children. We have sex usually 1-2 times a week but I could easily go longer and be fine. I do it purely for my husband. I love my husband in a romantic way, but not necessarily a sexual way. I don’t look at him and think how much I want to have sex. In fact I never initiate the sex and my husband has to spend days begging before I just get tired of hearing him whine and then give him what he wants. I have never once looked at someone and thought about having sex with them. I have seen people as “good looking” but never wanting anything sexual. I have master baited like twice ever in my life. I do sometimes enjoy the sex after it has started. Not like a “oh my gosh i need this all the time!” Enjoy but a “this isnt as bad as i was expecting.” Enjoy.I always thought this was normal? Is that not?

  104. I’m pretty sure I’m asexual. No, I definitely am. I think. The thing is, there are a few qualms and questions that I have with that term. First of all, whenever the topic of sexuality comes up in conversation, it always ends up with me. When I admit “I’m asexual”, everyone just kind of stares. Most of them haven’t even heard of the term, and those who have just remark “Well, you probably just haven’t found the right person.” I’ve gone to great lengths to try to find some kind of evidence that would prove my sexuality, but to no avail. The thing is, I don’t really understand the whole idea of “love”. Is it like some kind of intense longing to be with someone, or some kind of different feeling? I watch a whole bunch of romance shows all the time, and that’s usually what happens, but, those are actors. How does that work? I’m still very young, but I’m at the age where I’ve been able to drive for a while. I’ve been asked out a lot, but I’ve never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, because I don’t know how that works either. There’s probably not a clear-cut answer to this, but how does dating work either? Are you supposed to go out with someone you “love” or feel those feelings towards, or someone who you… well, for lack of a better word, “like”? What I mean is that are you supposed to go out with someone that would be acceptable as a friend? What is the difference between loving someone as a partner and liking someone as a friend?

    I’ve tried certain things, like porn, but I just find anal sex disgusting, so I don’t watch gay porn. However, when I’ve tried other things, It’s just… nothing. I don’t feel anything, only repulsion at the act that they’re doing. Actually, I think that’s disgusting, the entire act of sex. I don’t think I’ve ever felt “turned on”. Maybe I’ve felt them, but I just don’t know.

  105. I have never had a “Oh I want to have sex with you crush”, but I have had a “I want to protect you and keep you safe” crush. I have never been interested in sex or those types of conversations. Could I still be asexual? I don’t know, and I always get uncomfortable when my friends talk about how hot that guy is and who I am interested in. I am 16, and never had a SO. However, I did once really like a fictional character (but in a way of “i want to be you”).

    • You could absolutely still be asexual. Romantic orientation is seperate from sexual orientation – you can want to be close to someone and keep them safe and even cuddle with them without wanting to have sex with them. Being asexual means not being sexually attracted to anyone, but you can still be romantically attracted to people in the sense that you can still fall in love with someone and want to build a life with them. So if you had a romantic crush on someone of your own gender but weren’t sexually attracted to anyone, you would be homoromantic asexual, or if you only really got squishes on people of opposite gender, you’d be heteromantic asexual.

  106. I just want to say thanks so much for writing this! I just read through all three posts and found that like 95% of the things here totally apply to me. I just realized I was asexual a month ago, as everything just seemed to click when I found out about it. I’ve been a bit scared and wishy-washy recently, so reading this has given me a ton of confidence! Thanks again!

  107. I’m male, late 40s and have had three ‘proper’ girlfriends in my life. The first lasted for about a year when i was 21. The second lasted for a year when is was 24. The third lasted for three years when aged 30-33 and i’ve been single for the last 14 years. I’ve had one ‘one night stand’ in my life so a total of four sexual partners. As a teen i had no interest in sex, although i did masturbate… nor did i have much interest in-between girlfriends.

    For the last few years I’ve been using the word ‘asexual’ to describe my orientation… but only today did i realise that i didn’t coin the phrase myself after stumbling across a wikipedia page on the subject. I’m not entirely sure if i am asexual or not.

    When i’ve been in relationships, sex has been a fundamental part but I’d seldom be the proactive partner… I’d just go along with it and try my best and always enjoyed the experience. As a singleton, i don’t pine for sex, but i do masturbate. I also ‘fancy’ certain ladies and am entirely capable of flirting, but don’t really have much interest in forming a relationship (and as a side note, the ladies I find attractive don’t seem to reciprocate my feelings anyway so…). It’s not a case of “I do not want a girlfriend”, it’s more a case of “not having one doesn’t bother me”. I might meet someone one day and have an active sexual relationship but I’m happy to leave that to chance/fate. So on the one hand, i do find some women very attractive; I love the way they look, the clothes they wear, the things they say, the fact that they laugh at my jokes and just being near them can give me butterflies… but on the other, I don’t really think about seeing them naked or jumping into bed with them for a night of rumpy pumpy…. I’ve just read the post above and have come to the conclusion that i could be a heteroromantic asexual… or maybe an apathetic heterosexual :)

  108. Not sure if I’m asexual. Physical attraction doesn’t do much for me, like, at all. I can think ‘oh he/she’s pretty cute’ and may even imagine trying to strike up a conversation with them, but an off the bat sexual attraction has never hit me. I may think they look nice but it doesn’t mean I’m sexually attracted to them. However, I DO like the feel of sexual pleasure (though I’m normally a solo player) and am sometimes horny as fuck and often think about sex, but I never imagine a ‘person’, just sensation and what I’m feeling in the moment.
    It’s weird, the more I get to know a potential partner the more I seem to friendzone them, and I utterly freak out at the thought of someone I know coming on to me (either that or treat it as a joke because, come on, we’re Friends, right?). To the point where I have unintentionally broken good friendships because I couldn’t handle the revelation. Honestly, seeing a partner enjoy sex is more gratifying to me than getting off myself.
    Not sure why I just spilled a part of my life story, but I’m super confused and hearing labels like ‘bi’, ‘gay’, ‘pan’, ‘demi’ or even ‘asexual’ applied to myself makes me uncomfortable and a bit upset since none of them seem to fit me. So … yeah. Any help, I guess?

    • the problem with the labels you mention is they’re essentially pigeon holes… some people are comfortable with them and some aren’t.

      I used the term ‘asexual’ years ago when my brother was asking why I (as a single bloke) wasn’t trawling through the internet dating sites trying to find a shag. I said I wasn’t that interested and after he (as a big brother with a constant urge to belittle me) suggested i must be gay, I said I’m more ‘asexual’ than anything… i thought i’d made the term up on the fly to describe my apathy so it wasn’t a serious comment, but when i stumbled across the wikipedia page on asexuality it kind of blew my mind a bit… It’s nice to know i’m not alone but i’m not comfortable with the pigeon hole. The problem with pigeon holes is that most people fit into more than one or none at all. Don’t worry about it. you are who you are and that’s all you need to be :)

  109. I don’t know if my reluctance to have a relationship with a man is because of being asexual. There is a man before who said that he likes me and that’s when I start to freak out. I started avoiding him because I don’t know how to tell him upfront that I’m not interested. The only instance that I calmed down and everything went back to normal is when he said that he like me as a friend.

    Regarding to sexual appetite, I also have sexual fantasies like any normal woman but never did I thought to direct those thoughts to a man. I’m not interested in a man and I’m sure that I’m straight so being attracted to a woman is out of the question. However, the very thought of having sex with a man gives me chills. I don’t know if that can be considered asexual or what? Also, when I was 18 years old, I was sexually abused so I don’t know if my aversion to a man stems from that experience. I already moved on from that experience and just living my life the way I want.

  110. I’m still asexual even if I’m not sexually attracted to the boy I like, but is open to doing sexual things with him, even though I’m very scared. It’s not the /sex/ I want, but the want to be close to him. Whenever people say “asexual means you don’t want sex”, it makes me feel very invalid. If never been open to doing sexual things until I met this boy, but I’m still not sexually attracted to him.

    I do not relate to the “You think of sex in anthropological or scientific terms, rather than romantic or erotic terms.” I think of it more of an emotional thing than scientific. I don’t see how being asexual has to do with thinking of sex in scientific terms. If you do, great. If anything, I think of it more with emotions than a sexual person does (since many people have sex without love you know??).

    I’m still a virgin, but even if I lost it, I’m still a valid asexual.

  111. I kinda realized a few things now. I haven’t had any sex but I feel disgust thinking about it, you know doing it. I did watch several porn you know because I was a curious teenager, and yeah I really did feel disgust while watching it. I just keep ignoring the fact that after you’re married, you need to have sex with your husband because you need to have kids after that. I mean you can adopt kids right? This is making me confused, am I just like afraid of the idea of sex or what?

  112. Thank you so much for the post, I’ve identified as Asexual from around 16yo (omg almost 20yrs O.o) but am only just beginning to talk about it to family & friends. I have 1 person who accepts me 100% no questions, 1 who accepts it but I see questions and the rest who blame past trauma or see it as a quirk / part of my anxiety & latent aggressive misanthropic streak. I’ve tried over & over to fit the conventional model and I’m so over it. I’ve had sex with both genders & sometimes enjoyed it but my unmentionables are not set aflame or whatever by “sexy” or “hot” people. I fall in love with personalities that are aesthetically pleasing like a sculpture or nice building. I’ve been told I’m shallow and lectured on viewing people as objects / driving the subjugation of women blah blah blah but they don’t understand that’s all I have. For me love isn’t restricted by gender or race and I’ve had a few platonic emotionally intimate friendships with both sexes that looking back had everything a conventional relationship does except sex. Times I did sex was to follow social protocols with the aid of either drugs or alcohol and always felt like I could be doing something else more entertaining and useful. People were horrified when during my 20s I stopped having sex for 5yrs and kept asking how I did it. I still don’t get why it’s such a huge deal, my ex bf would have a mental breakdown/ tantrum if we didn’t have sex once a week and I’m still baffled. I always look at people panting over someone need to remind myself it’s not desire for attachment / love but some other response I don’t experience. I’m really pleased this is being talked about, finally I can stop the lies that I’m looking for someone or convincing people that its ok to be single. I know my mum worries that I’ll get lonely but she doesn’t realise I may meet someone just like me and we can live together happily in seperate bedrooms (maybe houses next door?). For now I’m contented with my kitty, family & friends that all live more than 30 min away. Thank you again, you helped soothe some of my inner turmoil. <3

  113. I’m a bit confused about myself, as my feelings about sex has changed over the years and I’m gonna try to explain my feelings as best I can. I’m a 26 yr old female, I’ve never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend) and I’m a virgin. I’ve thought about maybe one day being with someone and having at least two children, or one day choosing someone to have a child with but just to help me pass on my genes and raise the child….kinda of like having a child with a friend, because the thought of having to constantly meet a person’s sexual appetites for years as one of the requisites to having a healthy relationship with them bothers me.

    I like physical contact sometimes i.e. cuddling, hugging and sometimes kissing (I’m only willing to engage in that if I’m close to the person, which also means that they have to be very clean) I occasionally have thoughts of wanting to engage in sexual intercourse but it still kinda bothers me because I can’t see myself doing that especially other sexual acts, because I find it nasty, e.g. licking someone’s ass. I do find both men and women’s bodies aesthetically pleasing which is another thing that confuses me sometimes about what my orientation might be.

    In addition, I fantasize about other people having sex, and I don’t find it all that disgusting when I fantasize about a couple performing one of the acts I mentioned before, but its seldom that I think that. They span from hetero to homosexual pairings, but I never think about myself having sex with anyone….actually I’ve tried inserting myself, but it’s just weird and very short-lived. (At times I’ve thought it’s because I have low self-esteem, but idk)

    Another part of my confusion is how I fantasize, (I don’t know if this is the case for everyone) because…in a way, I’m acting out the people most of the time so sensually I find the sexual acts very arousing and I feel immersed. (sometimes wishing that the fantasy would come into fruition in the future…weird I know) This is also how I go about masturbating, and have doubts that I would get the same results if I was to have sex with a real person. I also look at porn, but most of the time it’s to get “ideas” about what my scenario would be like for whatever pairing I want to fantasize about. I could go on, but I’ll just leave it at that.

  114. “You’ve thought, “I must be straight by default”.”

    I’d like you to know that I read this statement for the first time about eight years ago and my first reaction was horror and terror because I had thought that, word for word, and I didn’t WANT to be asexual. That would mean I couldn’t get into a relationship, right?? And I didn’t want to be alone!

    Turns out it’s not so bad. :) I’m ace/aro and this post changed my life.

  115. I have found this article more than most to be particularly enlightening. I started looking up asexuality tonight because I came to the realization that perhaps the reason I don’t care for the whole “sex” shabang is perhaps for deeper reasons than merely apathy. I especially relate to your struggles with understanding why people make such a big deal out of sex. I have thought long and hard about this before diving into the “information superhighway” for answers. I asked myself, “do I want to be asexual?”, “am I mistakenly identifying myself?”, “would people be able to tell that I am asexual?”, etc. Now this post has not gone all the way towards alleviating my self-doubt, but it has helped. I can remember thinking about the concept of sex, considering it on more than a purely analytical standpoint, however I do find the idea of seeing individual women in my life in a sexual manner to be ludicrous and confusing. I have never met a female (or a male) whom I have been attracted to in a sexual way that I don’t find immediately repulsive. I guess this makes me by definition a Grey-Asexual, but then again I could just be mistaking a phase for a more permanent identity. Anyway, thank you so much for putting this information out there. It has helped me immensely, as I imagine it has helped so many others.

  116. I’m over 30 years old, and during my life I barely had sex, and I don’t even think about it. But I do like women, at least in a romantic way, and I like to try to satisfy them sexually because that keeps them around.

    However, it is so hard for me. Most girls end up realizing something is wrong with me. I’ve been asked many times, during sex, questions such as “you don’t like to do it, right?”… Most women end up leaving, because they can feel it is so unnatural to me. It can even get uncomfortable at times. Also, most of the time they end up sexually frustrated, and hating me for it.

    Asexuality is the worst thing ever. I cannot keep any girl around because of this, not even those with low libido. It sucks because I do get emotionally attached to women, which always causes me to end up broken hearted and them to break up with me and hate me forever, as if I had done something terrible — I guess that for sexual people it must feel like an insult to not be sexually satisfied–

  117. Thanks for the write up. Very relatable.
    This bit made me laugh though…
    “You might be interested in sex, but interested in the same way one is interested in geology or zoology. You see it as an object of study, rather than an object of participation.”

    … I’m a geologist and pretty sure I’m asexual.

  118. Ok so this sort of describes how I feel? I always thought that I was straight but for a while I’ve been questioning my sexuality since I haven’t really felt the need to hold a relationship of a sort, whether romantic or sexual. Hell, even my younger sister started dating and had her first experiences already while I’m still not interested. But I don’t know is I’m completely ace either.
    So this is how I feel/ or sorting out and figuring my true feelings:
    1. So I do get attracted to men but it’s very minimal. For example: I will see a guy and maybe I’ll have a small crush on him but not to the point where I would want to date him or have sex with him. its weird but I found myself in that situation many times.
    2. I sometimes catch myself being attracted to girls but not at the same level for a guy, in fact I feel like it’s more of an admiration than anything but I’m still confused. I find the woman body to be very beautiful and especially a woman’s facial features but like I said it’s more like an admiration. The thing that confuses me is that I resent the idea of having sex with a woman, or having a romantic relationship with one, but I like to flirt with girls and not guys.
    3. If I like a guy, I’ll keep liking him until I slowly lose interest since I never act upon my feelings. I don’t feel the need to since I feel like it’s a waste of time. But if I find out the guy likes me back during the time that I like him then I will automatically stop liking him and get grossed out… its embarrassing since it happened two times already. I just don’t like the idea of someone liking me, it’s disgusting.
    4. I get grossed out at the idea of someone liking or loving me (this excludes my family). And I especially Resent and hate the idea of someone being sexually attracted to me. It’s disturbing and in my mind similar to evil. I don’t know why. I know that it’s not rational, how can someone liking me be evil? But I can’t help but feel that way.
    5. Even though I hate the idea of love and sex, I feel guilty and not normal. My mother always gets disappointed because she knows that I don’t like the idea of getting a boyfriend or getting married and having children. But not only do I feel guilty but I also feel lonely. I want to have a boyfriend and do couple things without getting grossed out.
    6. I do get urges and such and I do sometimes have to relief myself but then one of two things occur: either A. I get grossed out of the idea and immediately stop what I’m doing or B. I do my business and immediately despice myself for doing something so disgusting when I’m finished. It doesn’t happen very often but when it does it leaves me confused and angry.
    I know that to many people it’s normal to want to have sex and have a romantic relationship. And to ace it’s normal to not want to have those things. The thing is I want to have those things but it’s repulsive. It’s confusing, do I want it or not? I just want to be able to be in peace knowing what my sexuality is.

    • Hi JJ,
      Your situation sounds a lot like mine was. I would get really interested in a man, in how his face looked, and I’d even get nervous around him. But when it actually came to talking about him? No. If he’d asked me out, I would have said no.
      Because the idea of him liking me seemed kind of weird. Especially when it came down to sex – I was really grossed out by the idea of someone wanting to have sex with me. It just seemed… objectifying, to me, even though I knew millions of people around me wanted to be wanted. And that felt really strange.
      For me, what it came down to was aesthetic attraction and sensual attraction. I’d never heard of those things before.
      Aesthetic attraction is something like “I’d draw that” or “I’d look at that all day”. For me, that’s what it was with men (and honestly, if I think about it, with women too).
      Sensual attraction is more like, “I’d cuddle that” or “I want to pet that person’s face”.
      I felt both aesthetic and sensual attraction, but no romantic or sexual attraction at all.
      Because I never experience sexual or romantic attraction, I’m asexual and I’m also aromantic.
      So if those labels feel comfortable to you, you can use them all you want. If they don’t, that’s also fine.
      In reading your last paragraph, it seems like you do want to have a romantic or sexual relationship (or both) and that’s fine. There are plenty of people who experience sexual and romantic attraction but are still repulsed by it. That might be you and you’re not wrong or broken for feeling that way.
      For me, what it came down to was this: I didn’t actually want to date anyone, or have sex with anyone – I just didn’t want to be -alone-. The idea of being alone terrified me more than anything. I’d -thought- maybe I wasn’t asexual because I got urges also, but that’s not nothing to do with whether or not I’m -attracted- to anyone, which is what asexuality is about.
      Anyway, I don’t know if I helped but I hope you know you’re not alone. Good luck!

  119. See my problem is is that I don’t really know if I’m asexual because I’ve never had sex. I suppose I will someday but it’s not something I’ve thought about.

  120. I am 47yo female who was married at 17 to a man but had a homosexual relationship with an older woman before that. I was honest with my husband before we married and told him about my previous relationship. I was molested (by more than 1 offender and 2 of them were family members) as a child (not the case for all asecs) and was very confused about sex. I grew up and wasn’t sexually active in my teens with men and my husband was the first man I slept with. I was chased after by all the local boys but never “gave in” to the pressures. The one homosexual relationship I had, was a sexual one. On my part, it was the emotional attachment I had to this person but because of my early experience with molestation, my interpretation of the reason for sex was skewed. I thought it was something to “give up” to a person you were in a relationship with only if you loved them, as a “duty” (because that is how it felt to me…a duty). It wasn’t until later on, after my 3 year marriage was over due to my disinterest in sex and many failed relationships later (same cause of destruction), that I began to realize that I was not like all of these other people and that my view of sex and their view of sex were not the same thing at all. I am certainly a hugger and cuddler by need but I RARELY ever am ignited into an actual want for sex. I have to be emotionally attached to someone for that to ever happen. I have never understood people who needed “friends with benefits”. I am now alone and lonely because of my refusal to go through the rigamarole of another relationship sabotaged from the beginning. I have been honest about my disinterest in sex right up front with my last 2 relationships and because not everyone is honest, their “not a problem” eventually turned into accusations that I must be cheating on them because I wasn’t having sex with them or that I don’t feel they are attractive. It is so tiresome. I don’t want to be alone but the past 2 years have been the most peaceful 2 years because I have not had to deal with the craziness of trying to explain myself and getting into verbal altercations over my sexuality. I just became aware that there is a “category” for people like me. I only thought I was a broken mess and couldn’t imagine someone out there like me. I will never be in a relationship again with someone who is sexual, regardless of their promises to be ok with how I am. I would only consider another asec! I would sure like to know if this sounds familiar to anyone else out there.

  121. Hey, Uhm, I am new to all this. See, I am 15 and a week ago, a boy I thought I would like came over, we watched a movie and ended up kissing. And we made out, but I didn’t really felt any feelings growing, if you know what I mean. My friend told me that I might be asexual, cause it’s not the first time that I ended up feeling nothing for a boy, but it says here that asexuals don’t think about sex and stuff, but I did and I also think that some people are hot and I get turned on by dirty stuff, and now I’m just confused. I mean, could be that I’m asexual, but it could also be that my feelings for boys betray me before I’ve kissed them. Help please?

    • Hi Sophie! This stuff can be complicated to work out, but like OP says “A lack of experiencing sexual attraction is the only thing that all asexuals have in common.”

      A lot of asexuals have sexual thoughts and can be turned on by erotica or thinking about favourite characters getting together, or whatever. If you get turned on by stories and media, that’s not really the same thing as wanting to have sex with a specific other person.

      For me a tell that I was asexual was the fact that my sexual fantasies never involved me – I was not in them, because I didn’t find the idea of me being involved in sex appealing at all.

      When you say you find some people hot, does that mean that there are some people you want to have sex with? If so, then you’re probably not asexual. (Because the definition of an asexual is someone who is not sexually attracted to other people.)

      But if you find them hot in the sense that you think they look beautiful, and you enjoy looking at them, and maybe you’d like to cuddle them or be special to them – but you wouldn’t want to have sex with them, then that’s aesthetic or romantic attraction and it’s not the same as sexual attraction. You would still be asexual in that case.

      A lot of us still have romantic attraction and we get crushes on specific people and want to end up together, and we just never really develop a desire to have sex with that person (or anyone else.) If you found out that you always had crushes on boys and even if it got to the stage where you wanted to marry a boy and you still didn’t want to have sex with him, then you’d be a hetero-romantic asexual. (That’s what I am.)

      Alternatively, sometimes you can think you’re asexual because you’re not actually sexually attracted to boys – but you might be sexually attracted to girls. Have you considered whether or not you find girls sexually attractive? If yes, then you may be a lesbian.

      If no, and you don’t really want to have sex with anyone at all, then you’re asexual.

      Hope that helps and doesn’t just make everything more confusing!

  122. I’m ace and I’ve had a few “I’m-ace-I-don’t-think-that-way” moments.
    1.) My mother was researching banana recipes for her blog and she made what’s called a Candle Salad. It’s basically a fruit salad made with a banana to look like a candle. She thought it looked like a penis and, believe it or not, so did my granny who is (some of the time) a manners freak! Me being ace I thought it looked more like a drinking fountain and the comparison kinda grossed me out and it made me wonder what Sigmund Freud would say! LOL! Mum ended up eating the candle salad.
    2.) I was looking at some riddles and (apparently) they all had sexual innuendo in them but for most of them I had to think to find the innuendo and what really annoyed me was how they kept being mean/calling me names when I was probably one of the only viewers who DIDN’T have a dirty mind.
    3.) My granddad watches Star Trek with the rest of my family and calls the female characters hot and whatnot. I think it’s dissing them.

  123. Hi, I actually found this article while trying to find thing to help me figure myself out. I’ve been having a lot of anxiety since one of my best male friends asked me out (I’m female) right before valentine’s day. For years people have been telling me that he and I would get married, and I’d either laugh it off or just say “no” but then when he asked me out my world sort of….shattered.
    I’ve since returned to therapy and we’re working through some of my emotional barriers. But I still just…cringe and panic at the idea of anyone wanting a relationship with me. I’m not comfortable with touching and cuddling and I’ve never even kissed anyone. I’m only 20 but this is worrying for me because all of my friends are in relationships and I’m the odd one out.
    I’ve had anxiety that I’m gay, simply because I don’t find anyone attractive really. Nobody “gets my motor running” so to speak. I feel an awkwardness when there is nudity on tv or stuff. Sometimes it almost even feels like my vagina is just closing up, to put it graphically. I’ve worried though if that actually “arousal?” I have a lot of friends that are LGBTQ+ so I’m not homophobic. I simply don’t want to be gay myself. I don’t really any anyone….but that still panics me.
    I’m only 20 but I’m already worried about being alone my whole life and I just can’t figure out why the idea, even, of someone being interested in me freaks me out.
    If you’ve read this whole comment, thank you. And please help if you have any advice to give. Please.

    • Hey, I feel where you’re coming from. I once fancied a guy, and after a whole year, I felt so pressured to ask him out (I did it via text whilst slightly tipsy which turned out minimised my anxiety over it) and when I did it and he said no I felt SO relieved. Like, honestly, all that worry I used to have that if he, or anyone, said yes and how to navigate around hand holding, touching, kissing, and god forbid sex (not that I’m repulsed by sex, it’s just not something I want to do, it makes me uncomfortable to think about it). I’ve thought I was a lesbian because I didn’t look at any man in particular and think “phwor, I want him rubbing against my genitals”, but then I realised I didn’t think that of women either, so I thought I was bi, but then I came across the term asexual and eventually explored it and realise by god that it was me. I am on the asexual spectrum.
      And some/most people don’t get it. They don’t understand why we’re afraid or reluctant to readily hold hands, kiss, etc when in a relationship. That’s the one thing that puts me off getting into a relationship, the physical side to it. When trying to work up the courage to ask that guy out, I would think of what could happen if he said yes and it would honestly spark off little panic attacks, and none of my friends really understood why (and neither did I, I thought I was bi at the time).
      What we’ve got to remember is that we can tell people this before we get into a relationship. You can even go after an asexual person (if you can manage to hunt one down in real life, I’ve yet to meet another one face to face), but remember there are two people in a (conventional) relationship, and if you don’t want to do something then you shouldn’t have to do it. If you make it explicit that you are asexual and they know what that means, they’ve no right to get mad at you later on or pressure you into doing stuff you don’t want to. And you don’t have to feel guilty about it, because they knew what they were getting into.
      I, too, am 20, and I do worry about being forever alone, but part of me thinks that’s just my anxiety. I believe I’m a very romantic person and I really want a relationship – just not the physical aspect of it. Apart from hugs, they’re alright, I guess. I wouldn’t know actually, I’ve never been in a relationship or been kissed or had intimate contact in any way from someone who wasn’t family (hugging family is quite nice, if I can have a life partner that I can just hug all the time and nothing more, that would be great!)
      This may be a bit late, but I thought I’d chime in and say you’re not broken or wrong, you’re not alone, there are more of us than people realise (me included, I thought there would be 2 other people who were asexual, but that’s obviously not the case).

      • Honestly, your response is definitely not too late. In fact, as weird as this may seem, I’m actually crying right now after reading your response. I’m crying because, finally, somebody understands /exactly/ how I’m feeling. And it feels so good to know that, even among other asexuals, I’m not some bizarre case. So thank you so so soooo much, Hazel. And when my anxiety really gets a hold of me, I think your response will really help me.

        • That is totally not weird at all! When I first encountered ace websites and read all the comments and people’s own stories – there were tears, I kept on getting shivers and waves of energy running through me. It’s so important to feel like other people understand you and feel the same way.
          You are very very VERY welcome, Brittany (I’m getting even emotional typing this) I’m so glad that I could help you in some way. It’s just nice to know I’m not alone, too.

  124. Hi! So I am trying to figure out if I am asexual or not…

    I have always been afraid if sex. And I know that doesn’t mean that I am asexual, but I feel like I could be scared of it because I’ve never really understood it. But my fear is enough that it’s difficult for me to talk about sex or anything related to it. I’ve never been curious about it or shown any interest in it, I mostly just want it to go away. My friends mostly just call me sheltered or innocent, which may not be entirely untrue because I feel as if I learned about sex much later than most people, but I’ve never really found a good explanation for why I’m scared. It’s just something that happens.

    I have been attracted to people, but I’ve only ever had a partially sexual attraction to someone once (also I’m not entirely sure what sexual attraction includes??? Like if it’s wanting to immediately have sex with someone or just wanting to kiss someone or…? But I have definitely never experienced immediately wanting to have sex.) Most of the time, I can recognise the fact that people are attractive, but I’m usually not attracted to the typical definition of “hot” or “cute,” and I’ve never understood how people are able to start relationships just by looking at someone. I never have had sex, but I am only 16 so I know that it’s ok not to and I have never felt any pressure to, but I don’t understand why people my age are interested in it. Maybe my fear is just related to my age?

    The other thing that has led me to be really confused about my identity is masturbation. I have masturbated before, but at first it really scared me. When I would watch anything related to sex, I got terrified. I had managed to convince myself that the only reason I was reacting was because I was scared, but I know now that’s not true. For a while after I got used to it, I had a period where I thought I was addicted to masturbating because I kept doing it for the physical response even though I didn’t really like doing it and I couldn’t understand why my body still wanted to. And even though I’m comfortable with myself now, I’m still unable to actually have conversations with people about sex or fathom any situation in which I would be having sex. I feel like this makes me stuck between several traits of sexual identities and I’m not sure if it lets me fit into any sort of definition.

    So yeah I think that covers pretty much everything. I’m not sure what part if any I fall into on the spectrum, but any help would be greatly appreciated!

    • Hi Paige,
      First of all, I’d say that if sex scares you you don’t have to do it ever, no matter what your orientation is. You will not suffer by waiting either until you aren’t afraid any more, or until you’re sure you’re ace.
      . It is quite normal for asexual people to masturbate. Since there are no other people involved, there is no sexual attraction going on, so it doesn’t undermine an asexual identification at all.
      You are still quite young, and I think it’s understandable that sex is frightening to you, regardless of your orientation. But I believe that for most sexual people there is also a draw towards it which balances out the fear. If you’re not feeling at all drawn towards sexual contact with anyone, it does seem very possible that you are ace. Why not go for that now, and you can change your label later if and when things become clearer.

      • Thank you so much Marnie! I feel a lot better now that I’m trying to figure this all out and this helped me so much! I know that my identity is still developing but I’m going to try to notice how I feel when I interact with people now and see if that affects my identity at all. Thank you for supporting me!

  125. I think I might be asexual, but I’m not sure. When I was in high school I dated a guy for a year, but we never had sex. After that I kissed a girl I was attracted to in the past, but I didn’t feel anything. I should probably mention that at the time I was dating my ex I was on medication for bipolar disorder (I have since realized that I may have been falsely diagnosed). Could the medication be the reason I have experienced sexual attraction in the past but don’t now?

    • Also, to clarify: I have experienced sexual attraction (at least I think it was sexual attraction) in the past. Like, I’ve seen people in porn that I thought were attractive, but not really in real life. I’m very confused.

      • Hey Severa! I may be a little late in the reply, but I think I may have a decent answer for you.
        Graysexuals are people who experience occasional or very weak feelings of sexual attraction. It sounds like this could be what you’re feeling. While I don’t actually know whether your medication could have affected this, I highly doubt it.
        I personally find that reactions to porn are more telling of someone’s libido than their orientation, but that’s up to the individual to decide like basically everything else when it comes to identifying orientation.
        One note on attraction is that there are different types, both sexual and aesthetic, like mentioned in the article.
        I hope I managed to clear up some things for you and good luck figuring this all out.

  126. I’m not sure if i’m Asexual. A lot of the confusion comes from no experience I’m 21 and havn’t had a real romantic relationship yet (had a silly one where nothing changed with one of my friends). The only ‘crush’ I had was when I was 13 but i think it was just because he was pretty, nice and funny and it was expected.-straight? I can apperieiant both a good male or female body aesthetically (except penis haven’t seen a grown one, don’t want to look it up).-gay? And are curious about sex if only to see what all the fuss is about (I have explored that area there is a fuss to be made about all the nerves there). I’m a high-functioning autistic (Aspergers) too so I don’t recognise if someone is even interested in me that way to add to the confusion. I have been touched sexually before (boobs) and I felt nothing (but a tiny bad difference) but it was a miscommunication, I didn’t want it, even though he was nice and a friend and good enough looking. (That rules out demisexual right?)

    • Hi Aria! The only thing I know for certain about asexuality is that asexual people don’t experience sexual attraction. I’m asexual, so I had to find out by asking many of my friends what it felt like. When they experience sexual attraction, they look at a person, and want to have sex with them. If you think that describes you, you probably aren’t asexual, but if you don’t think you’ve had that experience you could be asexual. Many asexual people are also able to appreciate the beauty of the human body in the same way they’d appreciate a really pretty flower or landscape – it’s beautiful, but doesn’t come with any particular feelings of arousal.
      Demisexuality is hard to “rule out” because even demisexual people are sometimes going to form close emotional bonds with people and still not be attracted to them. It sounds like you weren’t attracted to your friend in that case.
      Ultimately, you’re the only one who can qualify your experiences and describe them accurately. To me, it sounds like you’re asexual, but I only know those things that you’ve told me – you’re the expert.
      You might also read up on “quoisexuality”, which was a term I believe mostly used by neurodivergent people.
      Take your time, and best of luck to you!!

  127. I (22 years old), like many others, think maybe I might be asexual, but am not sure. (How embarrassing to post here and end up not being asexual, right? But, hey, I have little clue. Help me out?)

    In my youth through high school, I’ve had my fair share of crushes (can asexual people have crushes?), and, once puberty was happening, I would always simply tell boyfriends that I’m “afraid of sex. Never want to have it in my life, EVER.” When I was 17 or 18, I started masturbating out of boredom. Hated it. Hey, maybe there was something wrong with my technique? So, I practiced occasionally/rarely, and had my first orgasm around… 19 years old. That was even to… fully-clothed people (don’t care about the gender), for porn DISGUSTS me (this may be normal to an extent). Did that for a while, but every time, the… finale… got more and more… less. When I was 20, I could no longer finish, so I’ve since completely stopped, occasionally trying to no avail (do asexual people ever “try again”? Keep in mind, I don’t identify as asexual, because I really am not sure. If I knew I was asexual, I would likely stop trying).

    In my senior years of college, I had a boyfriend with which I was sexually active. I simply wanted to know what the fuss was about, but I actually cried after the first time, because it felt like nothing at all to me other than simply rubbing just another body part. Nothing more. I’d be fine never having sex again. But, to be fair, I’ve never had sex with anyone I was severely attracted to.

    Every so often, I see someone who is “hot”/”sexy,” but, when I “let my mind wander,” nothing sexual happens. The farthest I EVER wish to go is MAYBE making out if they’re dehydrated enough to not slobber on me! The thought of seeing any kind of below-the-belt nudity is… well, terrifying. But I still find them extremely sexually attractive! I just… don’t want… intercourse (or any kind of contact with either of our genitalia)… from them (why on earth did I make a Tinder account??). Is this asexual, too, if I find people… sexy (for the lack of a better word)?

    *Is this asexual if I experience crushes, romantic feelings, and physical attraction?
    *Is this graysexual if I’d be willing to try sex again, but it would be more of a “Let’s try this again. Maybe I’m broken?” than a, “Whoa, I’m actually aroused! Woo!”?
    *Is this just normal bisexual if I have little to no desire to have intercourse?

    • Keep in mind that I am no expert, but I’ll try to help clear things things up for you to the best of my abilities.
      *Asexuals CAN experience romantic feelings and aesthetic attraction, which could be what you mean by physical attraction.
      Just because you’re using words like “sexy” or “hot” doesn’t actually mean that you’re sexually attracted to the person. From what you’re saying, it sounds like you’re aesthetically attracted, but not sexually attracted.
      *You can be willing to try sex again as an asexual, graysexual or demi-sexual. This has little to no bearing on your orientation.
      *How much you want to have intercourse doesn’t have much impact on your orientation either. A high or low libido can be found anywhere on the scale of sexuality.
      On that note, remember that labels are just meant to help you describe yourself, not put you in a box. I see no reason why you can’t consider yourself to be gray-bisexual or whatever makes most sense to you.
      I wish you the best of luck in figuring this out!

  128. The point about “hotness” is what really got me thinking that I’m asexual. You can give me someone who is my type, or the closest thing I have to one, and I feel like they should be classified as “hot” in my head, but something just misses that and instead they’re labelled as “cute”. It doesn’t matter if this guy is the definition of tall, dark and handsome, he will end up finding his way to being classified as a brother figure rather than a potential partner.

    It is sort of odd to me how I more identify as “almost straight” than asexual, it’s like everything is hooked up, but there’s just one wire off so it doesn’t quite work. Bear in mind that I’m not saying that I’m not secure or comfortable as I am.

    In my case, I’ll have to give the “Mr. Right” advocates a concession. Maybe I’m actually demi-sexual and just haven’t spent enough time around a guy who wasn’t related to me or otherwise “off-limits”… or maybe any guy who fits my criteria for a potential partner would end up “brother-zoned” like the hypothetical man above. I don’t know. I’d be fine either way, but it would be odd to suddenly experience a completely foreign emotion.

    • Since everyone else is laying out their personal stories, I suppose I will as well!
      I will not deny that I grew up rather sheltered. I’ve almost always been rather shy and wouldn’t ever really interact with people beyond my friend circle or those I considered family… which was basically my entire church. I’ve had a total of one crush my entire life. He was a boy I attempted to court in kindergarten. Since then, barely a blip. There were two other times I can note that something maybe could have happened on the attraction front, but turned out to be nothing.
      I’ve had a rather high libido since puberty so I can confidently say that it has no bearing on asexuality. The idea of sex doesn’t faze me and I think that if I do end up marrying, I will get pleasure from it. It just won’t be sexual attraction deciding who “Mr. Right” is.

  129. The more and more of these I read, the more apparent it seems that I’m on the ace spectrum. It feels so strange…I can’t accept it entirely just yet. I do experience attraction, I have thought of people as “hot”, but I guess it just doesn’t mean the same thing to me.

    Yet sex has never been on my radar. I bypassed the horny teenager phase and something that vaguely resembles a sex drive kicked in at age 21. I’m 23. I don’t understand the appeal or why it’s so important. I have urges, but I can satisfy myself just fine, why would I need a partner unless it’s someone really important to me, who I trust like nothing else? I’ve ever had any interest in sexual experimentation, and I didn’t realize how strange that is. I’m blind to innuendo and flirting, I can’t stand how sex must equate to romance in media. Reading lists of asexual traits is so often like reading lists of my own experiences, I’m screaming “yes!” in my head, but then the things I don’t relate to make me wonder if I’m just straight with a really low sex drive.

    Grey-ace, maybe? It feels so weird to identify myself like that.

    “I’d give you a ride, but I lost the keys to my libido.”

  130. I just have no real attraction to anyone any longer. Not that that is bad. I have just become truly asexual. Period. By the way, at 65 it is a much simpler life style. Emotionally and physically.

  131. Hey y’all!! I don’t know how many will read this, since is that long but if you do please help me identify myself! If you don’t want to read it, it’s fine. I understand.

    I don’t even know if this is the right place to post this, to be honest, but I don’t really know where else should I post it…

    I also don’t want to be disrespectful or inconsiderate with anyone so sorry if i may sound like that! It is not my intention at all!

    Also, I never said any of these things to anyone so please be gentle…

    (also, english isn’t my first language so sorry for the eventual mistakes)

    Anyway… I remember questioning the fact that whether i am straight or asexual a few months ago and I still don’t have a right answer. Since then I read a few articles and blog posts about asexuality and watched a few youtube videos about it. But I’m still not quite sure.
    Basically I don’t know if i’m asexual or if that it just been too long since i have been in a relationship and/or had sex that i just got used to it.
    So I guess I just need someone (who knows about asexuality better than me, obviously) to tell me if I’m really asexual or to be like “bitch chill, you’re straight af!” Even if some of you may want to say something like “no one can say if you’re asexual, only you can”, please try to say it anyway!

    I’m pretty confused right now and I really need a straight (no pun intended) answer!

    So i guess i have to say a few things about myself. So… I’m 25 years old and I haven’t been in a relationship and haven’t had sex for almost 6 years (since 2012). And I’m totally fine with it. Kinda… I mean, I don’t think it’s the end of the world if i will spend my whole life alone and/or without having sex. I’m totally fine with this. But i don’t exclude the possibility of eventually having another boyfriend and having sex with him either. Or to have a one night stand or a friend with benefits or something like that.

    I read this article and the other 2 and yes, I do relate with some things and I totally don’t with others. I also relate with some things partially… For example, when I’m thinking “hmmm.. I’d like to have a boyfriend and be in a relationship” i’m thinking more “i’d love to cuddle with him or go to out or to see a movie or travel or have many cute moments together” or even “i’d like to have a romantic dinner with X”. I’m almost never thinking “i want to have a boyfriend because i want to have sex with him”. Extremely rare i’m thinking about it. When I had my first boyfriend (and only), I had sex with him a few times. But i don’t really enjoyed it. Like… it didn’t blew my mind or anything. And i didn’t really know what to do during it, most of the times. He was doing all the work. I even found it weird to actually do it myself, like the moving and stuff. Actually… I remember that since then I was thinking “what’s the big deal with this anyway? i don’t understand what’s the fuss.” I mean, it was pleasure as the result of the physical action… But it was never me the one who were saying “hey! let’s have sex tonight!” and almost every time I found myself thinking about the most random things during sex. One time I even got distracted by the music video that was on tv. And it was my first time! That important was the whole thing for me (LOL).

    But!!… I sometimes want to have sex with someone and have those “urges” and thoughts and whatever. This happens very rarely tho… I even found watching porn a little weird. Like… when i’m watching it, instead of concentrate on the main thing, the sex, I’m often thinking about all sort of random things like how weird that position is or how much i like the girl’s hair or how bad the acting is or i even remember some random thing i did or i have to do the next day. And i find talking about sex pretty weird and i am quite uncomfortable talking about it. Even when others talk about sex and i am there i’m like “oh shit, i better find something else to do cuz i don’t want to participate in this conversation”.

    I find some people hot tho. Both men and women (i am not sexually attracted to women tho. That i know for sure). Celebrities or regular people. I mean, I have lots of celebrity crushes and i find them pretty hot! But even if/when i fantasize like being [insert celebrity name here]’s girlfriend, i never think about the sex part. Same goes with my crushes (like regular people).

    I guess I started to think that maybe I’m asexual when one of my friends asked me a few months ago if i don’t miss having a boyfriend and having sex and i was like “no, not really. i’m fine. i don’t really want or need a boyfriend right now”. I remember she was worried about the fact that she was with this guy for almost 2 months and they were about to go on a trip and she said something like “i have to have sex with him while we’re there” and i was like “ummm… no, you don’t. you will have sex when you want and when you feel ready” and she was very shocked by what i said. And i was like WTF about the fact that she feels “forced” (idk if that’s the right word) to have sex with her boyfriend “that soon”. So i reflected about that and i realized that i don’t really care about sex that much. I would much rather do anything else with my potentially boyfriend.

    So… here goes the question: after reading all this (assuming that someone did read this whole thing) what do you think, am i asexual or i am just a straight girl who was alone for too long that she forgot how “great” sex actually is?

    • In all honesty, I don’t believe if anyone could be alone for too long & forget about sex. Only you can decide if you’re asexual. I am asexual & have never had sex, but I still have never forgotten what it is. Good luck to you!

  132. I’m grateful to the writer of these articles for trying to help people to understand themselves but it just made me confused and upset. I agree with a ton of the stuff that you said and I know that I’m asexual but a lot of the stuff you said was really generalised and it was like I was being told that I wasn’t valid

  133. thanks so much for this series of articles. It helps me a lot but it also makes me question more… and I wonder if you could give me some instructions. Like I totally agree with you that aesexual people use a different perspective to look at “sex”. But I wonder if one will be curious about how it really feel (Like doing an experiment?) and I’m not sure if this qualitifies as a hint of being aesexual… but I personally can’t imagine and even resent the idea of me having sex/being touched by others regardless of their gender. I don’t even feel comfortable with my friends touching me thought sometimes I do hope to get a hug from someone… I just wonder what possible reasons are behind my action.

  134. I have no interest in sex. I skip the sex scenes in novels and films. And my mind wanders around thinking about other things like food and science. I open in the browser several pages. I skip anything sex scenes and description that make me feel disinterested and quickly jump to recipes of chocolate cakes and scientific articles. When I search on the internet, I can spend hours on Wikipedia reading about sexuality and sexual behaviours, but I do so as a way to fulfil my curiosity for knowledge and view those acts from an academic viewpoint. I don’t watch porn films. I prefer the BBC natural science documentary films. I understand that sex is something that some animals do. It is also ok that some other animals don’t.
    Having sex or not does not define an individual. Not feeling sexual attraction is ok. An analogy to the diversity that exists among people would be our relationships with food. Some people like beef. Some like chicken. Some like fish. Some eat pork. Some don’t eat pork. Some are vegetarians. There are also vegans. Some people like hot chili. Some like mild flavours. Some don’t eat chilies. Some people try what they normally don’t eat. Some people stay in their comfort zones. Some people find certain foods unacceptable or even disgusting. Some are in love with those foods. If we can accept that our taste and preferences can be so diverse in terms of cuisines and food, why can’t we try to accept and embrace the diversity in sexual orientation and sexuality? There are so many ways to be happy and contented. We need more respect and understanding, more tolerance and acceptance. It is perfectly ok that you love ice cream and cheesecakes while I don’t even eat any dairy. It is also ok that some people can’t live without hot spicy food while others can’t eat any of them. It is also ok that someone else lives differently than you do, as long as everyone have the freedom and options.

    • I like your example using food. I also use sports as an example. Some people don’t like any sports. Some people like extreme sports like bungee jumping, some people only like football or race car driving or. . .

  135. Interestingly, this article did not blow my mind. I felt like I knew everything already. I never had a problem identifying as asexual even when I didn’t know the word for it.
    I’m 23 now and I never had a crush on anybody (don’t really understand “crushes”), never been in an intimate relationship or any relationship at all (except friendship). Sexual relationship is totally beyond me and I’m repulsed by it. Not that I think it’s inherently bad or dislike other people for having it – not at all.
    Similarly, I never had “urges” or anything of the sort neither in my adolescence years, nor later. I have always been so consumed by my creative ideas that I never really payed much attention to what was happening to my body.
    I like romantic stories and sometimes write them. I see love as something pure and innocent, devoid of any sexual connotation, and I cannot see it in any other way. I sometimes imagine myself in romantic situations and I’m probably not aromantic, but I’ve never been in love.
    Erotica is really not my cup of tea, but I can appreciate it when its beautiful from artistic perspective.
    Being deeply introspective helped my to identify my asexuality and disinterest for relationships at a fairly early age. Introspection really solves many issues about self-identification. Descending into deep layers of your consciousness and asking yourself difficult questions makes the most fundamental aspects of your identity crystallize.
    I never had a problem with being firm about my position. “Everyone does it” always has been a bullshit argument to me. I behave the way I want regardless of what the rest of the world is doing. Such attitude is present in all aspects of my life, and it partially led to conflicts with my classmates. I was bullied on a daily basis for nearly 7 years (it didn’t have much to do with my asexuality, though). I still am not sure for the exact reasons why people singled me out. But I survived that bulling and, looking back, I can say that if I could go back in time and live that part of my life again I would change nothing. Because in my heart I know that I did nothing wrong.
    There is a profound satisfaction in knowing that you refused to pretend in any way, that you did not betray yourself despite all odds, despite being mocked and hated. Yes, it didn’t have a direct link to my asexuality, but it did play a role: I refused to enhance my attractiveness with makeup or sexy clothing (never saw a point in it), never had or wanted a boyfriend, never participated in conversations about relationships. All of that contributed to my stigmatization. Yet, I have no regrets, I was always honest about what and who I am.
    Maybe, it was silly to share my story. But maybe, some will find it interesting or inspiring.

  136. I need some help. I recently started having sex, but I get very little enjoyment out of it. I find kissing and cuddling to be much more enjoyable. The only reason I keep having sex is because I don’t want this person I’m with to feel let down. I’m not sure how long I can keep this up. Also, for some reason, I’m very aroused by porn, but I find more enjoyment out of female masturbation videos, like I’m aroused by their arousal, but not at the idea of fucking them. Does that mean I’m asexual, or is it something else?

    • It sounds like you are asexual. Sometimes aces get aroused at the idea of arousal, but that doesn’t mean they are feeling sexual attraction. It’s more of an empathetic thing.

  137. That “scientific terms” one I can totally relate. In fact, I don’t even see why it’s so inappropriate to show genitals on TV, provided that it’s not in a sexual context. That has gotten me into huge trouble online once, but the thing is, I’m one of the least lewd people I know.

  138. hi, I just wanted to comment on this as I found this to be extremely relatable
    I am a female and I happen to be asexual. all those points/statements felt so close to home to me and I have had similar experience as you. I used to be in a long distance relationship with a transman (ftm) and he found me attractive and I took it as a compliment (back then, I used to question my sexuality), but I hardly found him attractive and I tried to tell him how I really felt but that always backfired. anyway, after we broke up (together for almost 3 years), I continued to question my sexuality and I read about demisexual and then came across about an article about asexuality and I felt it was possible that I was an ace. Then in more recent years, I began again questioning but I was still left with my same thought. whenever someone brings up sex to me, I’m really never interested in engaging with that person. in no means, does nudity offend me, but I don’t find it to be sexually appealing and I actually never sought out sex (heck, I actually do not masturbate) and I honestly don’t see why it’s a big deal. I have had numerous men trying to break me down or try to convince me that I was not asexual and actually told me the reason why I was asexual is because of my past relationship (which is a complete lie). I’m 24 (and actually a late bloomer, if you know what I mean) and I actually doubt that it’ll change for me once I might start my period. I don’t seek out sex, and I am just fine living without it.
    sorry for the long reply, I just wanted to tell someone this who can actually relate

  139. I feel like a fraud cause I know when someone is attractive and I think oh they are attractive but I’ve never been interested in anyone for looks I’m not bi/gay/straight and I looked at an article for being asexual and I thought wow this is me they are talking about me I’ve never wanted to have any relationship other than a friendship with someone but after reading this I feel out of place to I saw “the hot” comment but I think people are attractive and I’m astonished by how semetrical someone’s face is or how shiny and healthy their hair looks and I’ve thought wow that person is attractive look how proportional their nose is to their face what am I because I have no clue at this point please someone help me because it’s stressing me out thanks so much

  140. I found this article and a lot of the comments to be a massive relief, that I’m not alone and I’m not the only one confused, but also more confusing at the same time.

    I guess I’m one of the lucky ones, I came across asexually in a teen magazine just over 10 years ago, when I was just starting to realise I wasn’t like everyone else (I was 14 at the time and had been an early developer in most ways – except I had no real interest in anyone, and all my school friends had already lost their virginity). And until recently I never thought anything else about it.

    A lot of you say you thought you must be straight by default, after reading the article in the magazine I just assumed I was asexual by default, since I ticked most of those particular boxes. However recently I’ve started doubting that, so decided to do a little more research, to find I’m now totally clueless about what I am , and the more I seem to research the more clueless I get. This probably isn’t helped by the fact I’m very mildly autistic, and seriously struggle making friends, never mind having a relationship – apparently ‘wtf are you acting like an idiot for’ isn’t the appropriate reaction to being chatted up by guys.

    I’m a virgin, I had my first and only kiss a few years after my “realisation” that I was asexual – just under 10 years ago now, and can’t say I liked or disliked it, it just happened. And I had no real desire to repeat it, but if it had happened again I wouldn’t have minded either….I guess indifferent would be the best way to describe how I felt. I don’t recall being particularly into the kiss in a sexual way. However, and this is why I’m confused even more by this article and it’s comments – I am aroused regularly, and do think about sex, even if in my mind I’m not taking part as such (my imagination is screwed up massively). I don’t watch porn, but I read it regularly, and I’d never consider skipping the sex scenes in a book, movie or tv programme – but watching porn literally does nothing for me, peoples genitals are seriously gross to me to look at.

    The idea of sex both intrigues and terrifies me at the same time. I get horny, but this usually follows my menstrual cycle. Sadly due to my autism I’ve never really had friends who I could talk to about this, and the only person who knows I identify as asexual is my mum, who doesn’t understand it at all, and past showing her the article, telling her that’s what I was and having a discussion that same night, we’ve never really spoke about it since.

    I’ve never had a crush, but like most people here, I can see that someone is attractive I just don’t find them attractive (or understand what I’m supposed to be attracted to). However I’m truly fascinated by people’s relationships with each other, particularly lesbians, maybe that means I’m gay, I truly don’t know haha.

    I’ve researched more than a few of the things people have mentioned in the comments this article and tick some of the boxes on pretty much all, however none truly suit how I feel. Maybe I’ll never truly understand what I am, but I know I’m not straight, I could be gay or I could be asexual or panromantic. I truly don’t know anymore.

    I struggle understanding and relating to people in general, sexuality just adds a whole new far more confusing dimension to that for me, I guess I’m kinda hoping someone will have a new suggestion that I’ve yet to come across that puts what I am into a nice little box with a label I can understand, at least. However I don’t expect it to, as I’ve been typing this, putting into words how I actually feel has been far more difficult than I thought it would be, but it’s also been kind of liberating.

    The biggest thing I take from this article and all the comments, is that it’s okay to be different, it’s scary, and for me it’s also lonely, but it’s still okay, and I’m not the only one that’s different, no matter how much it feels that way. So thank you all .

    I guess I’m also sorry for my essay haha, but maybe this will help someone else realise they’re not as alone as they thought.

    • IFor you think you might be gay, your romantic life could be homoromantic & your sexuality could be asexual. I am asexual & aromantic, meaning I am without sex & without a romantic life. I hope this helps you. Good luck!

  141. A few years after my brother asked me if I was asexual, I read an article in a magazine about people who called themselves asexual. I finally knew the answer. Trust me, I’m ace. Around the same time I recognized that I had autistic-like symptoms. I talked to a doctor about it, but didn’t get any answers. Now, 15 years later I read that many asexual people also experience autistic-like tendencies. So finally it seems I understand.

  142. i want to sincerely thank you for creating this. i was very confused, after an encounter that left me feeling very uncomfortable and confused. i started wondering if i was asexual – though not entirely understanding what asexual meant. this article was so very helpful to me, and i understand it much better now. and maybe i’m still too young to really, truly know, but through such an understandable explanation, this has helped me realize that i am (90% sure) asexual. you helped to explain it in a way that really makes sense. thank you so much for this.

  143. Thanks so much for creating this! This is off subject, but I want to recommend a good book called, claiming the single mom’s heart by: Glynna Kaye. October was not only ace awareness week, but also breast cancer awareness. This book is a good read for anyone who may be dealing with breast cancer. The entire book is not centered around breast cancer, but one of the characters is dealing with it. Good luck to all my ace friends in your journeys to find more information about asexuality!

  144. I’m not unattractive but I’ve never had the big O and never really cared about sex after the first few times with the animal attraction thing. It’s been 11 years for me and I could care less. Good Luck finding a male partner that feels the same as you. lol I miss every other part of the relationship stuff, just not wanting to do it more than a few times a month (when active) I however, do like my dreams because that is by far the closest I’ve ever come to enjoying any type of adult situation. Weird, Right? I feel like an outcast.

  145. Am i still considered an ACE or has there been an Asexual who does think “idk that much about sex” ” i can go 10 years without it no problem” but still be like a once a year one night stand deal and be good for another 10 years? is that still asexual?

  146. Thank you for this purpose page, and for leaving the questionnaire questions posted on your website. I have just written down each question in my journal & answered every one. I read something recently from a psychologist about desire & scent. Often times a person’s nose can direct them to the person who they’ll be attracted to. Interesting, but I wonder if that would work, if I were test my own nose. Would I find anyone’s scent desirable?

  147. I’ve always been into the sensual and intimate parts of a relationship. Hugs, cuddles, kisses, holding hands, and all that. I love that. I Definitely care more about the relationship than the sexual part. I’d rather be cuddling with that person on the couch while watching a movie and just hold on to each other. Forget that the world even exists. I’ve gotten aroused but when I try masturbating I do feel pleasure. There are moments when it feels so amazing but then an overwhelming sense of disgust or boredom settles in. And I just stop and that’s it. I’ve watched porn and I feel as if I don’t belong there. It doesn’t appeal to me? I like erotica and may get aroused but that’s it. I don’t act on it. There are so many labels and I’m just so confused. I love the romantic aspect but not the sexual one but I think I’d be up to having sex with that person in the moment? But I think I’d get bored in the middle or disgusted and I don’t know what this is. Or what I am.

  148. Thanks for this, it’s been really helpful! The majority of my friends are a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and have known for various lengths of time. I never really questioned my own sexuality until recently believing that I was ‘default straight’, when an asexual tik tok compilation came into my youtube recommended a month or 2 ago. I started to watch videos on if I was ace or not, and have come to the conclusion that I’m in fact aro ace. I’m only 15, but thinking about it I’ve never had a celebrity crush, I’ve never seen someone on the street and thought “oh they’re really hot, I want to have sex with them/date them”, and didn’t really realise that people even thought that. I understand aesthetic and platonic attraction, and have an understanding for beauty, but nothing beyond that. I’ve also had very different experiences with coming out to family and friends. My friends were super accepting and supportive, and my brother said he already figured it out almost a year ago. I still haven’t come out to my dad yet, but my mum told me I was too young to know, even though I told her otherwise and that I didn’t appreciate this type of input, but she persisted, which was really invalidating and disheartening. I think ace people don’t get as much outright abuse as those of other orientations, but we get far more belittlement and invalidation. It’s also much more difficult to know if you are ace or not than pretty much any other orientation, and as asexuality is a spectrum, that makes it even more complex. To anyone who might be reading this who is questioning, make sure to do lots of research, watch youtube videos, they really helped me! The process is tough, but stay strong, and you’ll get through it and find a label that fits you, or not label yourself at all. Surround yourself with accepting and supportive people and you’ll have no trouble at all. <3

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