On the Existence of Asexual Men

So, you’re a guy, right?

Last time I checked, yeah.

And you were born that way?

Yep.

And you’ve got all the guy parts?

Uh… Yeah…

And they all work?

As far as I can tell.

And you feel like you’re supposed to be a guy?

I guess so.

So, then, how can you call yourself “asexual”?

Because I don’t feel sexual attraction toward anyone.

But you said your parts work.

That they do.

And that you feel like you’re a guy.

Well, I don’t really care for football and I don’t own any power tools except for a drill, but other than that…

And yet you claim to be asexual?

Correct.

You’re wrong. Asexual men don’t exist. You’re either straight, gay, or bi, or something ain’t working right, or you’re really a woman trapped in a man’s body and are in denial. It’s impossible for a man to be asexual.

I exist, therefore your hypothesis has been refuted. Please try again with a new hypothesis which accounts for this new evidence. That’s how science gets done.

So… I don’t get it.

That much is clear. Why don’t we start this over from the top, huh?

So, you’re a guy, right?

Yes, I’m male. And “cisgender” as all those kooky kids and their crazy new-fangled words might call it. In other words, I’ve got the factory-original male equipment and the male mind to go with it.

And you’re asexual?

Yes.

But I don’t understand. How can you be male, with functioning parts, and still consider yourself asexual?

Asexuality does not depend on your anatomy. It’s not a function of gender. Asexuality is simply the lack of sexual attraction toward anyone. It’s just as possible to be asexual with a penis as it is to be asexual with a vagina as it is to be asexual with anything in between, and there’s no requirement that a person disown their privates in order to join the Ace Club.

And by “functioning parts”, you mean that you can get erections, right?

Yes, among other things that would be considered “functioning”.

A-ha! There! You’ve just proven that you’re not asexual!

What, because somehow an erection is an infallible sign that a man is sexually attracted to something?

I hate to break it to you, but erections are not necessarily a sign of sexual attraction. I doubt most men are sexually attracted to the tight clothes that they’re wearing. I doubt most men are sexually attracted to waking up in the morning. I doubt most men are sexually attracted to bumpy roads. I doubt most men are sexually attracted to randomly walking down the street. Yet most men have probably gotten erections from wearing tight clothes, waking up in the morning, driving on bumpy roads, and randomly walking down the street.

An erection is a physical process. Sure, it can sometimes be caused by emotional stimuli, such as sexual attraction, but attraction is not a requirement.

So, why do you think you’re asexual?

Because I don’t experience sexual attraction. I don’t look at women (or men, for that matter) and immediately think that I’d like to get them in my bed. I don’t feel what people mean when they use the word “hot” to describe someone. I don’t really think about sex and how I must get some RIGHT NOW or I’ll go insane.

What about the whole thing about how men think about sex every seven seconds?

I think about how that statistic is wrong every seven seconds.

Are you the only asexual male?

Um. No. There are clearly others.

Well, how come it doesn’t seem like there are?

[I didn’t conduct a survey or anything, so this section is mostly pure conjecture. I apologize if it’s completely off-base. If you have any objections to what I’m saying, please let me know and I can work to improve this area.]

I think the reason that it doesn’t seem like there are more asexual men is that men are less likely to realize and accept that they’re asexual. So much of the stereotypical male identity is wrapped up in sexual prowess that it’s difficult to step back and admit that you don’t really fit in that world. If you’re a man, you’re supposed to be constantly horny, always in the mood and always on the prowl. There’s simply no option for a man to feel otherwise. It’s as if semen is a highly volatile substance and if you fail to get it out of your body before it reaches a critical mass, you will literally explode. (And preferably with the assistance of someone else, too. If it doesn’t end up in or on someone else, where it will be neutralized by their body heat, then it can apparently remain dangerous, which is why masturbation is viewed as an outlet of last resort.) The only thing that can stand in the way of a man having sex is the inability to get an erection, but if you can’t get it up, there’s a pill for that, a pump for that, a ring for that, an implant for that…

But to say “I’m not interested”? Well, that’s just not possible for a man. Clearly, if he gets an erection, then he’s interested, right? In many ways, for a man, sexual attraction is seen as equivalent to getting hard. If he stands at attention looking at a woman, he’s straight, if he’s looking at a man, he’s gay, and so on. So, when he gets an erection and it’s not directed at anyone in particular, then maybe he just needs to sow his wild oats until he finds what does it for him. And there’s the irrational fear that if a man isn’t turned on by a woman then OMG HE MUST BE GAY, so he’ll force himself to believe that he’s attracted to women, even though he doesn’t feel anything in particular for men or women. It’s simply not acceptable for a man not to want to use that erection with someone. If he doesn’t, there must be something wrong with him, he must be broken.

And so, in a world where that’s not just the predominant view, but pretty much the only view, you can see how it’s hard for a man to figure out that he’s asexual. Faced with that sort of overwhelming attitude, he’s just going to hide how he feels, so he doesn’t appear to be weak or broken or damaged. Men aren’t supposed to admit their feelings, especially when those feelings aren’t shared by others.

Additionally, conflating sexual function with sexual attraction can lead some men to erroneously rule out asexuality. “I’ve had sex, therefore I’m not asexual, because I wouldn’t have been able to if I were asexual.” “I masturbate, therefore I’m not asexual, because I wouldn’t do that if I were asexual.” “I like having my penis touched by someone else, therefore I’m not asexual, because I wouldn’t like it if I were asexual.” They’ll take events like those, join them to even the faintest glimmers of aesthetic or romantic attraction and use that as evidence to prove that they’re straight or gay or bi or pan or whatever, when in reality, all they’re experiencing is a physical reaction to stimulation.

By the time a man reaches the age where they’ve gathered enough life experience to decide that they’re just not all that interested in sex, they’re typically at a point where they can say “Well, I’m not 18 anymore, the hormones have died down” or “The fires of passion always die down after a few years, but I still love her”, or any number of other convenient excuses that obscure the truth.

How did you figure it out?

It took me a solid week-long journey of self-discovery to come to the conclusion that I wasn’t simply “straight, but not very good at it” and that I was, in fact, asexual. I’d known for years that I just didn’t think about sex the same way other people did. I had a girlfriend that tried to awaken me sexually, but wasn’t all that successful. I just figured I was shy or that she wasn’t the one. I hadn’t had sex in over eight years and it didn’t bother me at all. I just figured I had a low libido or was just better at masturbating than everyone else or something. It never really occurred to me that I simply was not sexually attracted to anyone. I considered myself straight, pretty much through the process of elimination. After all, I’d never been attracted to a man, so therefore I had to be straight.

But it sort of bugged me. I didn’t fit. Whenever I heard other people talk about sex or about hot women, it was foreign to me. They may as well have been talking about golf.

One day, I had a conversation with a friend about a somewhat baffling depiction of sex on some TV show and as we went on, it became very clear that I was not like everyone else and that there had to be something out there, some reason, something to explain how I felt. It became too much to be able to deny anymore, so I went looking for answers. I went on my journey with open eyes, willing to embrace whatever it was that I discovered.

Asexuality is what I found. Asexuality fit me.

Pretty much everything fell into place at that point. All the things I’d done, all the things I thought, how I felt, it all made sense to me.

I went looking for answers. I went looking for myself. If I hadn’t taken that step, I’d still be “straight, but not very good at it”. Most men who may be asexual aren’t going to take that step. They don’t know that there is that step to take, or they’re afraid of what they’ll find, or it just doesn’t bother them enough to start looking.

And that points to the core issue. The information isn’t out there. For most people, there’s straight, there’s gay, there’s bi, and that’s all. They aren’t aware that there are other categories which might fit better. They aren’t aware that it’s perfectly fine for a man to not be sexually interested in anyone. If more men know about asexuality, more men will realize that’s what they are.

 

12 thoughts on “On the Existence of Asexual Men

  1. Pingback: Do Asexual Men Exist? | Asexuality Archive

  2. Long time it bothered me that I simply don’t care about these things (I’m 17), I knew that I am not a gay because I wasn’t attracted to men. Every word that you’ve said fitted me. But coming to think about it, I actually love women, their beauty but I don’t feel like having sex. So anyway, you’ve opened my eyes, thank you, I can now rest quietly :)

  3. I never gave much thought about sexuality until I was in high school. When people asked me my sexuality I would reply I would say I was “strait” because that was the standard answer. Then the awkward question would come up, “so who do you like?”, and I would reply with some random girls name. Then they would ask me why……Awkward. :D I have never been sexually attracted to girls/women. In middle school I thought I has a small crush on a few girls, but I was shy and I think I just wanted to be friends with them. (I was still very innocent then) I teased the girls to get them to talk to me.

    In high school I developed better social skills, and made friends with lots of girls. My best friend was female and she had a boyfriend (not me) at the time, are relationship was strictly platonic. I know this sounds weird, but I never masturbated until I was 18 (maybe 19) and freshman in college, I just did it to “try it out”. It was a good feeling but purely physical, I can never remember having wet dreams as a kid. I think sexual relationships is a wonderful thing for most people, just dislike how society tends to objectify people. Many people portray men as sex craving animals drooling to get there hands on some meat, and worst of all that women are just boy toys to be discarded when finished with. I am now almost 21 now sometimes tell people I am asexual if they ask, and do my best to explain it to them. I know asexuality is a continuum and not everyone’s experience is like mine, and that’s great! We are all different. Oh, and I do like cake…….

  4. Thanks for this site now I can stop thinking about being a virgin until now I’m 24 years old.Though I like watching porn videos,rated r movies and masturbation at the same time.I’m a man and I love women where I can easily see eye to eye contact with them and smile towards approaching them at first I love talking with them,hugging and kissing them on the cheek right or left.I reached the point where I’m thinking if I’m asexual or not because my test got a gray-a which means I’m in between sexual and asexual.Since I’m nonchalant with my girlfriends though I love them having communication and connection but in terms of thinking to have sex with this particular woman that I’m dating I’m afraid to have sex or don’t want to have sex to abstain on it.I only like women not men and I know that I’m a man but I don’t know why since no woman who approach me first of having sex with her its just only in my thought.

  5. A week? Man. I wish it had only taken me that long. I spent years trying to figure out my sexuality. I never knew asexuality was a thing until I was about 19, before that I figured I must have been bisexual or pansexual, because I felt the same amount of attraction all genders. Of course, when I discovered asexuality, I realized that “same” was none. And then I took another year to accept that, let alone tell anyone. I wish more people talked about this stuff. It’s so confusing and uncomfortable (I say that last one because I REALLY wish my mom would stop trying to “fix” me).

  6. Really glad I found this, I’m 30 now and have struggled for years with my sexuality. I’ve had sex with girls many times but never really enjoyed it as much as everyone else seemed to. Friends were obssesed with it but when i knew it was going to happen I dreaded it. I even convinced myself I was gay to try and cope. But after an experience with that found it wasn’t for me. I’ve had two long term relationships with girls and even have two kids but as much as I loved my partners and I found them attractive the idea of sex just never interested me. I’d find any excuse to avoid it. Eventually both relationships broke down. How can you tell someone you love that you don’t want to have sex with them? Even told one girl I had a problem getting erections just to stop her asking. Being asexual is the only thing that makes sense to me. I’m quite an affectionate person and the idea of being alone fills me with sadness but I’d never want to make someone feel like they were not good enough for me. I wish one day I could meet a women in the same situation but I don’t hold much hope.

  7. I don’t know what I am. I’ve never wanted to sleep with anyone I’ve met, or anyone I’ve seen on TV. I’ve never fantasized about either of those. But I do find men attractive and I do fantasize about characters I make up in my head. When I’ve had sex it’s never been interesting to me and I can’t pretend it interests me because I find it strange, uncomfortable, slightly repulsive and a bit dumb…. I’ve not had sex for years, I don’t want it, and I can’t really picture myself in a sexual .. eeh.. event? I don’t remember the word :P
    But everyone who is an asexual keeps saying they feel no attraction at all, and they don’t fantasize about anything. So I can’t be asexual.. But i’m not at all interested in sex! I’m not afraid of it, and I have no “bad experiences” about it. I don’t understand sex at all.. It seems boring to me. Maybe i’m… Fictionalsexual..

  8. I really agree with you. I mean, everytime, when I say that I don’t like a “hot” woman/girl, I am always called a gay or bi or anything like that. I am okay with that since they were just saying things and I am personally not very sensitive. The part that annoys me is actually when they talk about the x. I mean, you are actually shooting semen and sperm to someone and that is nothing but gross. Plus, it really is gross. I don’t know why, just gross. LoL, that’s the third time I said gross. Anyway, I think more men are less educated about sexuality and I really agree with every singl thing you said.

  9. this article has helped me in a different way then the other comments said. I’m a teenage girl and even the thought of sex makes me queezy…while a lot of my friends are loosing their virginity, i’m still single and wondering if i should wear more revealing clothes, since that seems to be the norm. after seeing that there are guys that want girls for the person, not the body, i feel much more at ease. maybe there’s not something wrong with me… and maybe i don’t have to wear revealing clothes or engage in sexual relationships…

  10. Hello, I am not sure if I’m asexual, but I figured I would put this out there and see. Even though I had desire for women growing up, there was never any reciprocity. A lot of women made comments about how disgusting it would be for me to be in that situation. I had one girlfriend in high school, but we didn’t see each other often, which I liked. There were some hookups in college, but never a relationship and no sex. I only dated two other women since then (I am now 32). Towards the end of the relationship, any physical activity felt like work. The last few women I kissed or did physical activities with felt like the same thing. I am still a virgin and have become very resistant to any kind of touch. I think I am asexual because of a diminished desire as well as the realization that a woman I would potentially like only stands me up (this has happened on more than one occasion), or I seem to attract women who view me as a beta male. I also live with a woman as a roommate who I cannot stand and only reminds me of the worst aspects of a relationship. It is not for me, nor is the idea of having children that attractive, either. I am also not gay because I never had any attraction to a man. My conclusion came about because I live in a big city and have exposed myself to a diverse group of people. Any attempts by me have stumbled, either online or in person, to try and date someone with whom I might be compatible. There are common threads to the women I have dated and that is the only type that sees me as a worthy candidate. If that is my only option, then I want no part of it. Please excuse the long message, but when I’ve tried to talk to my brother, who is very close, he said he could not take anything I said seriously, and friends telling me I’m full of it. However, after the past few years of my attempts and those of my friends, I don’t see any reason to pursue it.

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