Maybe I’m Not Really Asexual But I Just Haven’t Met The Right Person Yet

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Okay, maybe you haven’t.  Maybe your one-and-only soulmate is out there somewhere, waiting for you to walk in the room and say hello.

But let’s talk numbers.

As of this writing, the population of the world is somewhere around 7.5 billion.  Let’s say that, for simplification sake, there are an average of five people per room, and that it takes you an average of 60 seconds to travel to a populated room, say “hello”, and scan the crowd for that instant spark of sexual attraction.  It would take you almost 3000 years to get through everyone, although statistically, you’re likely to run across The One™ in only around 1500 years.  Time to get moving!

Now let’s consider geography.  Even if you’re in the most populated country, there’s still an over 80% chance that your one-and-only lives in a different country.  When you consider people just in your immediate area, that chance drops drastically.

And finally, let’s talk demographics.  There would be a good chance that your one-and-only is significantly older or significantly younger than you.  So if you think you’re going to find them just milling about at a local coffee shop, you’re mistaken.  You’d better make sure to scout the local nurseries and nursing homes, just in case.

The idea of the one-and-only soulmate hiding behind a tree, waiting to be discovered is a myth.  If it were the case, the human race would have starved to death thousands of years ago, because everyone would be endlessly trekking from the Himalayas to the Kalahari to Redwood Forests of Northern California, hopelessly searching for their soulmate, rather than inventing agriculture.

Think about the number of times you’ve heard someone who isn’t asexual talk about how hot someone is, and how many different people they’ll apply that label to.  Certainly, some people are more vocal than others, but most people express attraction to more than one person.  Sometimes, it’s multiple people per day. Do you relate to that at all?  Do you know anyone (that isn’t gray-ace or demi) who has ever said “This is the only person I’ve ever been attracted to?”  Religions of the world wouldn’t have to spend any time at all decrying lustful thoughts and adultery, if everyone was only attracted to that one right person.

Given that most people have found multiple people attractive before they start dating, and many people are dating even before high school, if you are well past that stage in your life, that is a significant data point, one that should not be ignored and brushed aside.  If you have not met “the right one” yet, the one that sets your sexual alarm bells buzzing, chances are, you probably won’t.  And if you do, then demisexuality is a good thing for you to look into.

You can also flip this doubt around and look at it another way.  Maybe all the people who are straight or gay just haven’t met the right person yet, the one that will make them realize they they’re really bi or pan after all.  That possibility exists, yet people rarely give it much thought.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone say “Well, I think I’m straight, but I don’t know, maybe the right man will come along someday, I can never be sure, so I think I’ll hold off on calling myself straight for now.”

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