Maybe I’m Not Really Asexual Because I’ve Had Sex

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A lot of people think that having had sex is a disqualifier, and a lot of people use someone’s sexual history as a “gotcha”, that is, as clear, incontrovertible evidence that someone isn’t really asexual.

That you’ve had sex means nothing, as far as asexuality is concerned.

Sex is an activity.  It’s something you do.  A person’s sexual orientation is not tied to that person’s actions.  If that were the case, it would mean that there couldn’t be virgins who know that they’re straight or gay, and it would mean that a significant percentage of the population would have to identity as bisexual, after that drunken night in college or that high school sleepover experiment.  That would just be silly.  Sexual orientations are a description of a person’s pattern of sexual attractions, not their pattern of sexual actions.  If you’re not attracted to someone before and you’re still not attracted to someone after, whatever you did in the middle doesn’t change the fact that you’re still not attracted to them.  So how could that alter your orientation?

As with masturbation, some people carve out a limited number of acceptable reasons for an asexual person to have sex.  Baby-making and partner-pleasing generally top that list.  Other acceptable reasons include:  Because you’re curious.  Because you like how it feels.  Because a human is warmer than a sex toy.  Because you’re bored.  Because if you get your card stamped enough times you can earn a free sandwich.  Because it relieves stress.  Because it takes care of your libido.  Because it supposedly burns enough calories to make that second donut you had this morning guilt-free.  Because you want to.  Because that thing you just read made your privates all tingly.  Because why not?

And again, those are not the only acceptable reasons for an asexual to have sex, and none of those reasons mean someone isn’t asexual.

Even the type of sex or sexual activities you’ve done are irrelevant, from fully-clothed petting to a rimjob, from vanilla missionary piv to a two dozen person BDSM orgy, from once in your life to three times daily.  There isn’t some line where you suddenly cross from being asexual to not.

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One thought on “Maybe I’m Not Really Asexual Because I’ve Had Sex

  1. this specific part makes me a bit confused. I can understand how someone may have sex without sexual attraction for some reason that is external to intercourse, like:
    – experimenting to see if that’s what you want since the end goal here is to figure one’s sexuality and preferences, not the sex itself.
    – to please your partner, since here the motivation is to make your partner happy not to have sex.
    – to have babies, sex work (prostitution/escorting), etc.

    but in the case where someone actively seeks sex for personal reasons that are related to the intercourse itself, like “because you want [sex]” or “to feel pleasure”. Wouldn’t that fit under sexual attraction? Since you’re being drawn (attracted)
    to someone with the end goal being sex (sexual). At this point, any distinction between asexual and allosexual people seems almost non-existent since in both cases they will choose to have sex with someone whose characteristics (aesthetic, physical, personality, etc) appeals to them. How can you even distinguish what is sexual attraction and what isn’t at that point?

    Is there any real difference between an asexual who wants sex and chooses a partner based on what they like, and an allosexual who wants to have sex and chooses someone they’re sexually attracted to?

    PS: I know not all asexual people actively seek sex, I believe I read somewhere (probably here) that the majority of them don’t.
    I’m also not getting in the merit of who can or can’t call themselves asexual, that discussion is so pointless and people can call themselves whatever they want regardless of what I think.
    I’m actually curious about my own sexuality but this specific part about wanting to have sex without implying sexual attraction confused me a bit.

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