Maybe I’m Not Really Asexual Because I’ve Had Sex

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A lot of people think that having had sex is a disqualifier, and a lot of people use someone’s sexual history as a “gotcha”, that is, as clear, incontrovertible evidence that someone isn’t really asexual.

That you’ve had sex means nothing, as far as asexuality is concerned.

Sex is an activity.  It’s something you do.  A person’s sexual orientation is not tied to that person’s actions.  If that were the case, it would mean that there couldn’t be virgins who know that they’re straight or gay, and it would mean that a significant percentage of the population would have to identity as bisexual, after that drunken night in college or that high school sleepover experiment.  That would just be silly.  Sexual orientations are a description of a person’s pattern of sexual attractions, not their pattern of sexual actions.  If you’re not attracted to someone before and you’re still not attracted to someone after, whatever you did in the middle doesn’t change the fact that you’re still not attracted to them.  So how could that alter your orientation?

As with masturbation, some people carve out a limited number of acceptable reasons for an asexual person to have sex.  Baby-making and partner-pleasing generally top that list.  Other acceptable reasons include:  Because you’re curious.  Because you like how it feels.  Because a human is warmer than a sex toy.  Because you’re bored.  Because if you get your card stamped enough times you can earn a free sandwich.  Because it relieves stress.  Because it takes care of your libido.  Because it supposedly burns enough calories to make that second donut you had this morning guilt-free.  Because you want to.  Because that thing you just read made your privates all tingly.  Because why not?

And again, those are not the only acceptable reasons for an asexual to have sex, and none of those reasons mean someone isn’t asexual.

Even the type of sex or sexual activities you’ve done are irrelevant, from fully-clothed petting to a rimjob, from vanilla missionary piv to a two dozen person BDSM orgy, from once in your life to three times daily.  There isn’t some line where you suddenly cross from being asexual to not.

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