This is the third post in a three part series on the possible signs of asexuality. The items discussed here aren’t meant to be any kind of “Am I Ace?” checklist, so it’s okay if you don’t identify or agree with any of them. They’re just experiences that I’ve seen pop up over and over when asexuals talk about their lives.
The first day was all about thoughts you may have had about yourself and your identity, the second day was all about thoughts on sex and sexual activity, and today is all about thoughts about other people and other things.
Links to the posts in this series:
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 2: About Sex
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 3: About Others
You’ve never wanted to “jump someone’s bones”. You’ve never thought “I’d hit that”.
This is one of the more common reasons people discover that they’re asexual. At some point in their lives, they’ll look around and realize that other people say things like that and mean them. That straight out of the blue, one person will look at another, often a complete stranger, and think, “I would like to have sex with that person”, and that, in some cases, this thought will drive people’s actions.
Some asexuals may even look at this and think that’s bizarre. Why would anyone do that sort of thing? The whole concept is so different from how they look at the same scenario that it may be impossible for them to process those actions into something that makes sense. For some asexual people, the thought “I would like to have sex with that person” could seem as random and unexpected as “I would like to paint that person blue, cover them with twigs, and dance around them in a circle all night”.
You don’t feel that anyone is “hot”. “Cute”, maybe, “pretty”, maybe, but not “hot”.
Some asexuals don’t connect with the word “hot” and other words describing someone’s sexual desirability. We’re able to judge and rank subjective beauty on a scale from “ugly” to “pretty”, we may feel that some people are “cute”, but “hot” can be a word that some asexuals avoid. It’s not that we don’t understand it. We can usually point at someone and identify whether other people might classify them as “hot”. It’s that we don’t feel it. When other people use words like “hot”, we can sense that there’s some innate internal buzzer going off inside their mind, and that the word is not just some synonym or sub-category of words like “cute” or “pretty”. The word means more to them than “visually appealing”. There’s something behind it, some sense, some response that’s driving them to choose “hot” over “pretty”, and we don’t experience what that sense is.
Additionally, the word “sexy” is also not within your realm of understanding.
You thought that everyone else was just pretending to be interested in sex.
Many asexuals describe having a sort of “Emperor’s New Clothes” view of sex at some point in their lives: That everyone else is just pretending to like it simply because everyone else seems to like it, and they don’t want to be the only one who speaks out and says “No, I’m not really into that.” In this view, a sexually charged culture enforces conformity.
This view often comes about during the teenage years. The asexual’s friends all start talking about boys or girls, but they don’t feel anything yet themselves. Puberty strikes different people at different times and in different ways, so at first, they’ll just think they’re not there yet, but as time goes on, they’ll realize that they never started getting all that interested in boys or girls. This may lead to thoughts like, “Well, I never got interested in sex, so maybe no one else really did, either. Maybe they’re all just faking to fit in.”
Which brings us to…
You just pretended to be interested in sex.
Sometimes, some asexuals will feel pressured to pretend to be interested in sex in order to fit in. All your friends get caught up in what they’d like to do and who they’d like to do it with, but you don’t feel that way about anyone. So, you just smile and nod, until…
“So, who do YOU like?”
…and you sputter out something about Johnny or Sally, not because you’re actually interested in them, but because they seemed like acceptable options to use to hide how you really feel, because if you told your friends how you really feel, they’d just laugh at you and think you’re a freak.
And so, you lie and go along with it. Eventually, you may even end up in a relationship and…
You pretended to like sex so your partner wouldn’t think you didn’t love them.
For many people, love and sex are inextricably linked. A sexual rejection is taken as a rejection of the person as a whole, a sign that they’re unloved, rather than just an indication that their partner has an activity they’re not all that interested in. This can pose a challenge for asexuals in a relationship. They can be truly, madly, deeply, and endlessly in love, yet just not care for sex. They fear that letting their partner know how they feel would mean that their love would be doubted and the relationship would be destroyed as a result. “If you really loved me, you’d want sex with me.”
It’s even possible that the asexual partner does enjoy sex, but are afraid to let their partner know that they don’t find them sexually attractive. And so, they put on an act of attraction and will say things like “You’re so hot” or “You turn me on so much” when that’s not actually the case.
Sex is not love, love is not sex. It’s possible to love someone you’re not sexually attracted to. It’s possible to have and even enjoy sex, even if you’re not sexually attracted to the person you’re involved with.
Conversations about sex aren’t interesting.
Friends and coworkers like to talk about sex. They like to talk about what they’ve done, what they’d like to do, and what they’ve heard about other people doing. They boast about bachelor(ette) parties or one night stands. They discuss who’s hot, how hot they are, and what attributes make them hot. They make suggestive comments about the delivery person or the receptionist or the wait staff at the restaurant.
And you couldn’t care less.
If they’re talking about other people, like how “hot” the waitress is or how “steamy” the delivery guy is, there’s a good chance that you didn’t even notice them. If they’re talking about parties or one-night stands, there’s a good chance you don’t have any comparable experiences to discuss. You just zone out when they start talking about these things, and let the conversation run its course. Sometimes, people may notice that you’ve gone quiet and think that you’re offended by where the conversation has gone, but that’s not necessarily the case. You’ve gone quiet because you’ve got no input, no commentary, no questions.
You often find sex scenes in books/TV/movies to be out of place or boring.
You’re watching a movie when suddenly the male and female leads start going at it for no reason: [fast forward!]
You’re reading a book when suddenly it turns to “heaving bosoms” and “love’s juices”: [next chapter!]
Perhaps it’s a sense of “Ew, icky”, but it doesn’t have to be. More often, it’s a sense of “Why are they doing that? What’s the point? Get back to the story!” Half the time, the sexual encounter is unforgivably contrived. Sometimes you can even imagine the writers meeting with their editor or producer and being told to “sex it up a bit, the ratings are off this year”, and the writers just randomly drawing character names from a hat to decide who should go at it.
Bad acting and lame stories in porn really bug you, because, after all, what’s the point in watching a movie if it’s no good?
“Oh, come on, if that sort of thing happened in real life, she’d have that doctor arrested. That guy is a terrible actor, it’s like he never even bothered to look at the script. And don’t even get me started on that set and how cheap it looks! It’s supposed to be a doctor’s office, so where’s the blood pressure thingy and the jar of tongue depressors and the bed with the paper stuff? I mean, that looks like a cheap Army surplus cot from the 50’s! That can’t possibly be sterile! What’s this now? Why is she moaning? He’s not anywhere near her! What is supposed to be happening? She keeps looking directly at the camera, too. And that guy keeps getting in the way of the shot.. Didn’t the director plan out the scene with the actors ahead of time? Why am I even watching this?”
You feel like sex comes naturally to everyone else, but you have to work at it.
You look at other people, and they seem to instinctively understand sex, and how to play the game. Your partner handles it effortlessly, while for you, sex ends up more like a poorly-choreographed attempt at a secret handshake that no one taught you than a spontaneous expression of intimacy. It’s like everyone else went to some sort of intensive training camp and knows everything inside and out, while you have to pick it up on the job. Even so, there’s some secret that everyone else seems to know, the key to understanding the whole thing, and you know that you will never learn that secret, no matter how hard you try.
If given the hypothetical chance of a no-strings, no-regrets, no-consequences sexual encounter, you’d have to think about it.
Usually, this comes in the form of a hypothetical situation: “Random Hot Person X appears in front of you and says ‘Let’s get it on’. Would you go for it?” For many people, the response is an unequivocal and immediate, “Yes”. For others, it’s “No, I can’t, my boyfriend wouldn’t let me”. But for you, it’s something more like, “Well, I don’t know… It’s Friday. Fringe is on. I guess I could record it, but I was looking forward to watching it all day.”
You never initiate sex.
It’s not that you dislike sex. It’s not that your partner isn’t any good. It’s that you just never think about it. It’s never on your mind. So, as a result, you never think, “Hey, I’d like to have sex right now. I should go see if my partner is up for it.”
This, of course, can cause problems in relationships. Your partner may end up feeling like they always do all the work and may even begin to think that your lack of initiative is an indication that you’re not really in love with them.
You don’t catch it when people are flirting, even when you’re the one doing the flirting.
I’ve seen this one pop up in asexual discussions a couple of times. It’s happened to me, and I just thought I was completely oblivious. I’ve been told that I’m good at flirting, even though I just thought I was having a normal conversation. And whenever someone is flirting with me, I won’t notice. (And probably wouldn’t know what to do, even if I did.) Only hours later, when I think back on the conversation, will I realize that something was off.
I was once on vacation, in a park, taking 3D pictures with a homemade stereoscopic camera. A woman called me over and started asking questions about the camera, and telling me how she was a photographer, too. We spoke for a minute or two, then I continued wandering around the park. On my way back to my car, I passed the bench, and she loudly lamented to her friend “Where are all the good men in this town?”.
I was literally in the next state when I realized that she probably wasn’t that interested in my camera.
I know that I didn’t discuss every possible indicator of ace-ness, and I’m sure there’s some of these that that you’ll have your own take on. I’m even starting to come up with more things I should’ve written about, but I know that if I keep adding and adding, I’ll never actually get this out the door.
I sense a part 4 in the future…
Links to the posts in this series:
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 2: About Sex
- Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 3: About Others
(BTW, in case you’ve been wondering about it this whole time, this is a XONOX. It has absolutely no relation to anything else, I just needed a nonsense word and that’s what popped into my head, because that’s just the kind of nerd I am.)
Pingback: Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You | Asexuality Archive
Pingback: Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 2: About Sex | Asexuality Archive
Never want to jump anyone, seems too impulsive. I will, however, hopefully get to that point in the relationship where she wouldn’t mind a smush once in a while :) Gotta love ’em soft
Wow these 3 parts were written so well, and I too like many here felt like many of the points described myself perfectly.
Until recently, I didn’t know asexuality exisited. I just thought I had a low libido because I never think about sex or want sex or enjoy it. I am 28 and have had various sexual relations with various men, but not once did I ever want it, enjoy it, seak it out or initiate it. I just did it because “that’s what people do with their boyfriend” it never occured to me that there were other people like me, so it feels really empoweing to read these comments.
I do like companionship, having a close male friend, even making out from time to time, but sex just isn’t in my ideal situation. I hope to meet a similar minded, cool asexual guy one day to have a special relationship with. In the mean time, I’m totally cool with doing my thing, and now I feel more confident in where I’m coming from. Thanks everybody :)
Lea, you just described me and my relationships through my life.
I ‘made love’ with someone I was in love with (I am Heteroromantic Asexual) because it was expected and it made me feel closer to them.
However the only time I tried to ‘have sex’ with a partner who made it clear she just wanted sex with no emotional context all I felt was disgust at the act and myself for doing it.
We still share our home and lives but have not had any intimacy of any kind for years since that incident.
I love ‘being in love’ and being close to someone but it would be ideal if that could be with someone who did not want sex, sigh.
I wish I had known this about myself 40 years ago
This is me too. I’m 66 a mother of 3 and married 34 yrs to a wonderful fella. I have never instigated sex ever. I have never felt sexy yet my husband always says he finds me sexy. I feel a little cheated sadly…
Yep, me too Rose! (Tho I think about sex much more now I realise I’m asexual! Luckily I rarely feel “randy”, so it’s not a problem!) : )
Best Wishes x
Haha Deb yes…I just “found out”(?) about myself and immediately started to “test” whether I found various people attractive. It’s uncomfortable, though, which I think reinforces the point.
Well said. I feel I have to completely be connected to someone to even think about sex. Refreshing to read this and the comments. At the moment I think I’m into someone who is the complete opposite but that connection keeps me close. We kissed but I didn’t feel much at the moment. It was the thinking of it after that would give me butterflies and goosebumps. So backwards….
There’s something wrong with me sexually. I’ve never enjoyed sex with a partner. I do the best I can to “fake it” with my boyfriend but I suspect he knows I’m not into it. I often feel intense guilt because I love him and I know I’m not giving him what he needs. I masturbate several times a day and often turn down sex with him in order to masturbate. My sexual fantasies revolve around masturbation and it’s beginning to interfere with other parts of my life. On a normal work day I masturbate at least 3 times. My thought are distracted……..constantly wanting to masturbate. Then I come home and watch myself masturbate in a full-length mirror. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? 2 weeks ago I went to Walmart and purchased a state of the art video system. I was so aroused by the thought of what I would use it for that I had to masturbate in the ladies room on my way out. Then I went home and spent the entire evening masturbating in my mirror, taping myself, watching the tape while masturbating and wondering why I do what I do.
This is great! Made me smile. If we find ourself attractive why not ? No fear of insecurity with ourself, no stress.
Same, I feel as if this is exactly me, I’m very happy that this person wrote a blog bout this! : )
I’ve had a problem with masturbation all my life. Sex with a partner disgusts me but I masturbate usually three or four times a day. Just the thought of masturbating arouses me…..I feel guilty because I often reject my boyfriend and then later masturbate. He knows something is wrong with me. I tried talking with him about my problem but he felt angry, confused and left out. I didn’t want to hurt him so I never brought it up again. I do odd things like masturbating several times a day in the ladies room at work and smelling my soiled panties while I masturbate. Partnered sex has no appeal to me whatsoever but I do like to watch other women masturbate and often masturbate while watching them masturbate. I’m not sure if this makes me “asexual” or what. I’m confused and feel like I’m the only woman in the world that’s like this. It’s a lonely place to be. I’m guilt ridden and feel like I have no one to talk to because they would think I’m some kind of pervert. I masturbated 11 times today. I’m on my period or it probably would have been closer to 20.
Maybe try mutual masturbation?
I just remember back when I was 15 my friends dragged me to this girls party who people in my year called hot and she came up to me during the party and asked if I wanted to go up to her room and my reaction was something along the lines of ” I was actually thinking about leaving soon, how long would it take?” even after that it took me a year to even consider i may be asexual. ( apparently she wasn’t very happy about my reaction and I decided to just leave before she would kick me out)
I feel the same, and I also want to know the actual feeling of love,or thinkin someone’s hot
This whole post is me.
The previous post was partially me.
The first post was mostly me.
I deem myself a gray-a.
I laughed so hard at the the book/tv/movie bit. That is ME without question. Many people don’t believe me when I say I read paranormal romances for the plot but I do. Even if I am reading a scene its usually because it’s integral to the plot and even then I’m going “does it have to be that detailed? what the hell is she describing?”
In response to your response on Part 2. Thanks for the other words. I went and looked them up and will be doing some more soul-searching. It feels like I fit into one of those, which would cause me much relieved stress. Also, the flirting thing…I sympathize and empathize with you. I’ve been told I’m a “good flirter” (whatever that means) but I’m just being myself. I also have a nonverbal learning disability so on top of me not recognizing flirting by other people, I usually have to ask individuals if what I think may have been flirting was indeed flirting.
Thanks for taking the time to do these. I think it is a great help to incredible amounts of people. And I sense a Part 4 (but watch out for Never Ending Possible Signs….)
Oh man, romances. I’ve never liked sex scenes in books or movies except when I was a young teenager, and even then only because it was the first time I’d found out that you could do other things besides kiss, hug, or that mysteriously awkward thing our parents described when we asked where babies come from. Now when I read/see sex scenes I get self-conscious because I assume everyone else expects me to enjoy them more than I really do.
I’ve also worried about unintentional flirting. I used to think sexual interest was just something you could automatically tell about a person, so if I wasn’t feeling it, nobody would think I did. Yeah…apparently that’s not how it works. I also missed some *huge* dropped hints from other people, to the point of being highly taken aback when they made a move I actually did recognize. It seemed to just come out of left field for no reason at all.
I loved every single one of these three posts. Every part. I kept scrolling down thinking “that one described me PERFECTLY, how can it possibly get any more specific?” and as soon as I reach the heading of the next section, it’s “OH MY GOD, YES! EXACTLY!” all over again. Even as a virgin ace, I can identify with the parts that are directly sex-related from the one (awful) relationship I was in- even without the actual sex, anything heading in remotely the general direction garnered the same type of response.
The one thing I would add from my personal experience in your book/tv/movie section is that, in writing, I do actually read those parts. Sometimes. Heck, I’ve gone out of my way to find a traditional “romance novel” a couple times (okay, I admit, it tends to be lemon-y fan fiction. sue me.) But it’s all morbid curiosity. The whole time I read, 90% of my brain is going “ew. ew. OH MY GOD SHE DID WHAT?” ew. EWWW.” but there’s that last 10% that’s just fascinated by the whole idea in a weird scientific/psychological sort of way.
Can I just say I agree with this so much?!? I do the same thing with smutty imagines and then I’m just like “Eww why? This would be so much better without this, where is the fluff?!” I don’t know why I expect a different reaction sometimes but it’s always the same! But then again, I am just now delving into the world of asexuality, it’s funny because I started looking it up because I think the guy I have a crush on is asexual. Then I realized in all my research, that sounds like me. Because despite having crushes that would usually go away, I have had no sexual fantasies, and my desire towards any one that I have a crush on taps out at “I really want to kiss them, or I really want to cuddle with them.” Anything more than that feels extremely unnecessary, and frankly kind of gross. I have always wanted a boyfriend (I am Heteroromantic Asexual) and I have been in love, without having any sexual feelings/urges/needs come in to play at all. What is the most annoying to me is when my friends or family will take my crushes and try to make something sexual out of it or tell me I will grow out of the way I feel (not wanting sex). I am a 21 year old virgin female and I haven’t really told anyone yet, because this is a recent discovery. But I am so glad to have figured this out.
Well im more of the indifferent type of Ace , im actually Aromantic Asexual i dont feel the need for sexual or romantic relationships and im just indifferent towards sex and romance in general; ive grown up in such a overly sexual world where its always a priority , when i was i high school everyone was so into it and ogling at the guys or girls , its so obsessive that a few of the girls in my class graduated pregnant even and i was completely oblivious to everything , then in college i noticed the couples holding hands and kissing in the hallways i always though there was something off with me why i never was the typical hormonal teen or why in college i saw couples together and was like “oh ,ok cool good for you ” but never saw that for myself right now at this moment im 25 a virgin sexually speaking , never been kissed and im completely fine i recently found this place AVEN where literally all was answered , i didnt know Asexuality existed it was new to me and now i feel more at ease knowing im not the only one that feels this way. BTW another point i wanted to make is that even though im aromantic ace i can read and watch romantic movies and stories (im actually a fan of the twilight books, mostly cause of the friendships of Bella with Jacob and Alice lol ) i dont skip i just see it as part of the story , never been repulsed by it cause i understand its needed for others to procreate (i wouldnt be here if sex didnt exist lol) but its simply not for me ! lol i understand it i see its natural and right for a majority of people, im more interested in friendships , that is the relationship type i look for i would be fine living on my own , doing my own thing leading my own life with a few close friends by my side , my pets and a good job thats all i need !
I totally recognized myself from your post. Except that I do have had a boyfriend and made out but in truth I was actually never really into it and I didn’t even feel like I actually loved him. He just felt like some extra close friend. We also never had sex. I was never “in the mood” though I did think of doing it just because “that’s what normal people do”. It was stressful and, well, never got that far anyways so I’m a 26 years old virgin woman. I also totally recognized myself from your comments about movies and books. I’m like that too.
Oh it does feel awesome to find other people like me.
You totally described me with your post.
I feel completely relieved now that I’ve found people just like me.
Me too I feel the same!
I really loved reading all 3 of these posts too, and most of the comments. I relate to probably 75% of these things. I really feel like a lot of it resonates with me and I’m so grateful to now feel sure of my asexual identity and to understand how and why I’m different from others, but that I’m not alone at the same time. My boyfriend and I just broke up over not being sexually compatible, and we want to try to remain friends, though. My boyfriend told me he was in love with me and I said it back but never fully meant it, because I didn’t want to get too attached to a sexual guy while I was still discovering my sexuality and entertaining the possibility that I might be asexual. My boyfriend would ask me what would turn me on and I was like… uh… nothing? Sorry? He’d tell me his fantasies often revolved around ME feeling pleasure/totally into sex. I… never got there lol. I had no fantasies. We did do sexual stuff together, I don’t really feel like a virgin, but we also didn’t have intercourse, so if that’s sex, then yes, I’m a 23 year old virgin who plans to remain one for the rest of her life. :P
Hi, I totally related with ur shared experience. I am 23 yrs and my boyfriend left me also bcos he felt we were not sexual into each other been a sexual person dat he his.. I am a Virgin and I don’t see dat changing soon. I think I am Ace.
I found this site only today (Feb 16th, ’16). And I’m OVERJOYED. I’ve found my people!!
I’m a 52 yr old woman, and still a virgin. Healthy, considered sociable and attractive, people respond well to me … don’t fit the usual “repressed virgin” stereotypes at all. I wasn’t brought up in a very religious home, no trauma of any kind – and I still ended up this way. I have my work (teaching), I have my books, and music, and friends. And I love to shop!
After a few half-hearted relationships with attractive, smart, decent men, I’ve given up dating. And I have absolutely ZERO interest in my own kind.
Again, so glad to have found this site.
I so share your joy… for whole my life I thought there is something wrong with me and whenever I dared to express I can do fine and rather happily w/o -IT- , I got ridiculed by people around me, like “whatta hell you try to sell us here”, because, appearantly , – EVERYONE- and their mothers just wanna have sex… and its the way to go, or else… you are a geek and outcast.
I agree that there is obvious oppression on asexual thinking, but I disagree that we would be considered “geeks or outcasts.” Because we “don’t exist” or we “are just nervous” or we “haven’t met the right person yet.”
Me too. OMG. I’m so happy right now. What a relief. so many fucking decades where I was blind and I just figured it out now. I’ve done it all, cared nothing for it, thought it was how everyone else looked at sex and felt about it although i always knew something was off about me. Esp. the things abt not getting those jokes w\o help, thinking “is this all sex is about” while fucking women, and everything else really that he talks about. I’ve actually been propositioned for no-strings-attached sex and turned it down multiple times as well. Felt nothing about it as well. How could I have not realized that wasn’t normal for a guy?
It’s so nice (and weird, but in a nice way) to read all these posts and just see myself and my feelings in them. I’m 30 and still a virgin and I just don’t feel any need to remedy that situation. I had a couple of boyfriends in high school but never had that need/urge/desire to have sex. I actually refused to go with my boyfriend to his prom (he was a year older) because I was afraid he’d want to have sex after and I didn’t want to be in that situation. I’ve gone out with a handful of men and whenever the situation turned sexual I just… That’s usually when I ended the relationship. Most times I felt uncomfortable with them touching me, other times we made out and the entire time I was thinking how it was sort of boring and wet and gross. I’m only recently realizing that I’m likely asexual and I’m trying to figure out if I’m aromantic as well. I’m perfectly content being by myself, but I am starting to feel a want for companionship. But it’s hard to be in a relationship when you really have no desire for sex, because it’s just expected. So I’ve shied away from being in relationships because I’ve been afraid of the expectation of having to have sex. Maybe if I meet another nice asexual guy, I’ll be able to have a relationship with him since sex wouldn’t really be an issue.
These sections were awesome. I only recently realized that I was asexual, when it occurred to me that I was nearly 21, was a virgin, and couldn’t care less about ‘remedying’ that status. I can talk about sex with friends, mostly because I’m very utilitarian about it, and I can recognize flirting, since it’s just a kind of communication. Still, the ‘green eggs and ham’ thing summed up what I’ve been feeling about my lack of sexual interest. Good to know I’m not the only one thinking it!
I’m not actually sure about my romantic interest. I had a boyfriend in high school, but that was more the culmination of over a decade of puppy love, but I haven’t really been interested in relationships at all. Maybe I haven’t met the right person, maybe I am aromantic as well as asexual, I don’t really know. It doesn’t matter either way: I have a wonderful (for the most part) family, friends, and life is going pretty well, so I don’t think I’m missing anything.
Me too I can relate…..lets talk!!
Can I just say, I totally relate to you. My brother asked me when I was about 21if I was asexual. I didn’t know at the time, but a few years later I read a magazine article about people who call themselves asexual. And then I knew I had the answer. Trust me, I’m ace! And by the way, I’m a huge twilight saga fan too. I’m now a 39 year old virgin. I’m aro ace, & love the whole twilight story. I never fast forward. By the way, do you think Leah, the only female werewolf might be asexual too? I can relate to her in some ways too & I love animals.
It actually scary how much these described me. I just thought i had rlly low libido or was doing the whole sex thing wrong. I experimented a lot, i tried different fetishes, i had sex with guys, i had sex with girls, everything was just off. There was never pleasure, but i was just too uncomfortable to ever tell anyone or even think about what was happening. I thought if i found the right person with the right chemistry everything would fall into place, but i tried, a lot, and it never happened. It’s so freeing finally feeling like i found myself and what i want
Linked to this from the AVEN Facebook group, and just wanted to thank you for posting it! This just describes perfectly some things that I’ve never been able to put into coherent words, or even consider until now, and will definitely be useful for explaining things to friends/coworkers/sexuals in the future. It’s very well-written, too, and got me chuckling or outright laughing aloud- along with the odd epiphany (at least one per page!) The ‘accidental flirting’ bit is also, unfortunately, very true, and the cause of far too many misunderstandings between (what I think are just) friends.
Though I’ve got to admit, the funniest part was when I followed the link to find out what a XONOX was- a ‘XONOX Double-Ender’? Really?! Accidental innuendo, or genuine genius?
Just found this site, so a few years late in a reply. to your post! Love your xonox research – made me smile
Hope all is well for you x
I so relate to the flirting thing. Usually it happens when others are around and they tell me later that the person was flirting with me. I’m like, “What? No.” and they’re like, “Yep, they were totally flirting with you.” Honestly, I can’t even tell. To me it feels like a normal conversation so how was I supposed to know the other person was flirtng?
Books…I go through those scenes out of curiosity. It usually does end with “Why would they do that?” though.
Lol. One time, someone actually tried to low-key ask me out and I didn’t realize it until the next day. She was like, “I’ve been wondering for a while now….are you single?” I told her yes, then changed subjects not even thinking about it. XD
I never had boyfriends when I was in my teens. In my mid 20s I house-shared with my sister, her friend and the friend’s older brother. When we all went our separate ways I got a phone call out of the blue at work one day from the brother asking if I wanted to go to a Mozart concert. I said “I don’t think I like Mozart” thinking nothing of it (though I do now). It took me years to realise he was asking me out!
Awww…. I would have LOVED to go, ’cause I love Mozart. But then, I would never have thought the concert was an excuse for “I want to get to know you better.” I guess that’s the difference between us and them.
Thanks for this, it does make things a little clearer. I’ve been pretty confused about it all lately and don’t feel like I can really talk to anyone about it. My family all think I’m weird because I’m 20 and I’ve never gone out with anyone, kissed anyone etc or shown even the mildest interest in doing so. I’m one of those over analytic people who spend hours obsessing over conversations and it usually takes me ages to work out that someone might actually have been flirting with me. And then I always wonder why. I don’t really want to end up alone or anything but I’m afraid that I just can’t connect with people the way everyone else seems to be able to. Honestly I feel like another species from some distant planet hopelessly wandering around Earth and just trying to blend in. This gives me a bit of hope – maybe there are people like me out there after all!
I know exactly how you feel Katie. People think I´m so weird that when I´ve tried coming out , they just shake their heads and say… you´re just sad… you have low self-esteem, you´ll meet the right guy and feel differently. But I don´t… And you know what? It´s been great to finally understand
I have the same problems when I think people flirt with me. There is a certain girl I have become close to, and I’m not sure if she likes me or not. I’m completely oblivious to when women “hint” at wanting a relationship, and I’m worried I wouldn’t be able to keep a relationship lasting if I were to be in one. I also have situations where apparently I’m “too open.” Before I was trying to trip a friend, but I made it really obvious. He tried to push past my leg and I just grabbed his leg with both of mine and tried to pull it backwards. I didn’t realize how that action could’ve been taken until after he told me that I was being homosexual. This is just one of many situations like this that I have experienced. My vague point with this story though is that it just doesn’t make sense to me, and I feel alone many times because of this. I’m just glad that I’m not the only one.
Katie, dude, after reading your post…we could be best friends. I’ve been subjected to those misunderstandings, but I usually just laugh it off like it’s some inside joke that only I’m in on. As for feeling alien…well, maybe that’s why I think astronomy’s awesome.
(Cue dramatic sting!)
I’m like you.
Wow after reading all three of these posts, It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I was begining to think I was some kind of warped sociopath. I know I’m not in to other women for sure, I guess I would be concidered stright because I have had crushes on guys before, but the thought of any sexual act disturbeds me and also makes me what to vomit, even kissing. I’m just like, I like you but don’t touch me. X)
Perhaps you are a heteroromantic asexual? Sexual and romantic orientations do not always match (which I know from personal experience).
I totally get that! I want the romance, the dates etc just not any of the physical stuff
I feel like this a lot. I can almost never tell when a guy is flirting and when I can tell, I just find it weird. Why can´t he act like a normal person? I don´t need him to woo me. It´s annoying as hell, I can tell you that.
People don´t really understand what asexuality is though. I can´t tell you how many times I´ve been told I “just need to meet the right guy”…. Sure… or that maybe I´m gay and don´t know it. Or the one that I get the most is that maybe I´m depressed. They don´t get that´s just not it. The truth is, sex bores me. It bores me. Conversations about sex are ok, but most of the time I feel people have these very strange theories about it. To each his or her own I guess.
It´s been a relief to know that people like me exist. I thought I was alone too. Thanks, this was helpful.
I am still incredibly confused. Half of these are spot on for me but the rest are kind of off. I have never had sex and I do find it strange when people talk about it. I do, however, admire the female body and love to see a hot girl. I have had fantasies in the past but it was more out of curiosity to see if it turned me on. Nope. I kind of liked the idea of sex but the thought of me doing it is just not right. I am sure I would enjoy it, but at the same time I know something would not be right in it. I hate all that sexy clothing and make up. To me, if a girl is hot she is wearing comfortable clothes, even if they are sweats and a baggy t shirt (which apparently, I found out before, is considered to be hideous). I think sex doesn’t belong in movies and if I see a naked girl, I admire her beauty, but I would much rather see her clothed. I do, however, understand sex to the point that I understand dirty jokes and think they are funny. I also never, and I mean NEVER, masturbate. I tried once. Yup once, and I got in five seconds and it felt disgusting and I couldn’t think of a single thing to get off to. So in my entire life I have masturbated for a total of five seconds and I refuse to ever do it again. I am slightly curious about sex since I have never had it and I know I might enjoy it, but at the same time, I know that if I had a girlfriend and she wanted to go at it, I would be confused and not know what to do. I have had fantasies before but they were just that. Fantasies. I knew that in all actuality I wouldn’t do those things. I don’t know. The more I write the more it seems like I AM asexual…
Have you tried looking into the definition of demisexual or “grey-Asexual”?? If I had to guess I would say either of those fit your situation better than asexual. I myself am a tad confused on where exactly to draw the line between demisexual/grey-A & Asexual, but I get the main gyst of them all. I think I know which one I ambut some of the stuff written has me slightly confused. :/
I must say that I identify with you Confused. Many of the posts sounded like me, but then there were others that were totally not me. I appreciate sexuality but it doesn’t make me want to have sex. I think I will need to do more research, but I’m beginning to think I may be a gray asexual.
this sounds EXACTLY like me, so maybe I’m demi or grey too!
I have fantasies, but I don’t want sex in real life. There isn’t anything odd about it. Some things are better in our imagination. (I also enjoy reading fantasy novels and imagine what life would be like in those worlds … but the reality would be that nearly everything and everyone would be trying to kill you, and it wouldn’t be much fun!)
Well, that helped clarify a lot of things for me, especially the flirting section. There’s one person in one of my classes that according to my friends apparently likes me, and that may be because I was flirting without knowing it. To me, it was just a normal, if sarcastic and cynical conversation. Anyway, thank you so much for making these articles- they helped me a lot and I can now firmly say that I’m asexual.
I always feel really strange when I think back on a conversation and realize I missed some flirting. The story about the stereoscopic camera sounds like something that would happen to me. I usually feel pretty bad about it or at least a little melancholy, hoping that I did alright just thinking that it was a friendly conversation and didn’t harm the other person’s ego or anything. I get a weird sense for a second that I missed an opportunity, but I quickly realize that I wouldn’t have done anything differently (a ghost from anxious high school years when I thought getting things to work out with a girl would be the solution to depression, even though I had zero interest in doing so).
I feel like this describes me
There are a few other things I noticed about my asexuality that weren’t on the three lists but I need to get some sleep so I’ll put this for now.
I can still get aroused when reading stories with sex in it or when creating a sex scene in my head from my favorite tv show characters or something (but never feel interested in trying it out in real life myself) but just think “meh, nothing’s happening for me” whenever I try to imagin me or someone I know having sex .
With this I believe that it can be the idea itself that’s arousing but not the acutual act of having sex.
Even when reading a fan fiction and it has a sex scene (even if I get slightly aroused) in it I still seem to focus on the mechanics more often such as wheather they’re in character, analyzing the kinks and themes, wheather it’s consistent with the plot and not just random, how the thoughts, feelings, and actions are expressed, how it’s written, spelling, use of more complex words.
I guess the best way to explain it is if you get aroused reading about certin kinks (say bondage) but don’t get aroused trying them out.
For a moment I thought I was the only person he could think of.
I am comforted to know I’m not the only one excites with these stories, but not patient no interest in putting it into practice-
I think I am a bit similar to you. I started reading more graphical depiction of sex 2 years ago. Now I spend 6-12hrs a day reading rated m content. I have realized I don’t feel any sexual desire while reading it. I believe I read it for only relaxation just like how people play games and kill others for relaxation. Now with all this sexual content in my head I am please to say I can understand and fling back innuendos just like how I would fling back a sardonic joke. 2 yrs ago that would have been like doing mental handstands.
Jackpot–that is me right there. I can read smut the way people relax and watch tv to pass the time. I’m more into it for the characters I’m reading about but it isn’t for me. Or better yet, some kinks or interests I most certainly read about– I’d never do. I don’t get aroused by it, I don’t masturbate because I feel nothing and it becomes a chore so I stop. The one toy I bought I feel as if it was a waste of money. Whenever my boyfriend makes a sex joke or teasing comment about wanting it, I mostly want to shrug helplessly.
I’m surprised I relate to the above two comments so much. I will read a good deal of explicit fan fiction, and the way I enjoy it doesn’t seem much different from the way I enjoy angst, action, etc. I’ll constantly be looking for more smut purely to find what’s well-written and dynamics between characters and how different authors approach the same thing. I have gotten a bit aroused by some in the past, but it’s not very often and I never seem to get off to it. I am very interested in discovering/learning about all the sorts of kinks and whatnot. I find it fascinating and think I might even want to try some things in theory, but I’m unsure if I’d actually want to do anything in real life. I constantly crave touch, and physical affection with my girlfriend, feel the urge to cuddle/kiss her, and am attracted to her body, but I can’t imagine having sex with her, even though I’ve tried creating fantasies. it never really gets to the sex part. I grew up in a very christian, sexually-repressed household and never really thought much about it, until the past year when I’ve started really looking into/asking/researching about sex and sexuality, and have read a shit ton of smut only in the past 8-10 months. I love dirty jokes and constantly act lewd/make tons of innuendos all the time. Some of my newer friends are shocked to find out that I’m a virgin, by the way I act/talk, and my close friend who is a sex-repulsed asexual has told me that I’m probably not on the ace spectrum, but I really don’t know. I’m just confused.
Don’t have sex. It’s not really worth. Remain a virgin.
This sounds more like me. Except, I love reading sex scenes. I specifically, though, never imagine myself in the scenes. It’s easier to read scene with two guys. I mean, I don’t have to actually “be” in the scene for it to be arousing. If I were to imagine myself actually doing any of that…well, it would turn me off immediately. I didn’t read porn (or watch it) let alone masturbate for a long time because I couldn’t get over the “self-insertion” aspect of it. I feel like I masturbate most of the time because it physically feels good, not because I feel any sexual attraction. Like eating chocolate to feel better, even though you aren’t hungry or don’t need the extra pounds.
When I read fanfiction I do the same thing. I keep thinking that it would be better if they just cuddled or, you know, acted in some vaguely realistic way. I can’t be sure what’s realistic, though. I mean, I can’t just use what I would do: “Uh, can you NOT put your tongue in my mouth, thanks.” “No, no, really, don’t touch my boobs, I’m good.” “Stop moaning, my God. And breathing heavily. It’s icky.”
This is me exactly. I get “turned on” by sexy scenes. But the “self insertion” part ruins it. Also honestly I th people making out is sexier than having sex.
And I am very interested in bdsm, but it’s more the act of being tied up that interests me than the sex part. I’ve looked up bdsm fiction (not 50 shades) but once they started doing sex stuff I got bored and felt like they ruined it.
I didn’t even realize I do many of the things you describe here before I read your posts. I have sex because my partner expects it, but I focus on motion instead of emotion. I am very interested in sex, but -just like you wrote- as an cultural phenomena, and probably people do sometimes think I’m way too open about fetishes and such. Until now I thought “I’d hit him/her” was a joke, not a real “I want to have sex with this person right now”. Masturbation to me is a way to release relaxing hormones and to ease stress, and I absolutely prefer it to actual sex.
And I thought I’m bad at being a woman. Especially when lack of interest in sex is considered as a symptom of depression.
Thank you for these posts! :)
I agree! Actually, I think I’m pretty obsessed with sex because it’s this THING that everyone is talking about, thinking about, doing, and I just don’t understand it. Intellectually, of course, I get it, but I don’t REALLY get it.
I don’t necessarily avoid conversations about sex, I’m curious about what other people truly think of it. I just don’t want any of those questions directed my way. There’s only so many times I can reply: “Well, you haven’t had sex with a donkey, how do you know you wouldn’t like THAT?” to the classic “how do you know you don’t like sex/dating/boys/girls if you haven’t tried it?” question before I don’t want to be their friend anymore.
Not having experienced sex myself, I still totally agree that masturbation is much better than sex. Or, I’m 99% certain anyway. Because, really, donkey sex may be great (it exists in the realm of possibility that it could be great fun), but I know I wouldn’t like it (or sex with any socially acceptable species/gender).
I found these posts while desperately looking for information on asexuality, terrified that my fears would be confirmed; that I am asexual. And they have been: I read through these lists of indicators, some meant nothing to me, but most were just spot on.
I have suspected that I am asexual for some time, but I haven’t had the courage to find out, too scared of what it might mean for my life. And I still am very scared, but the way you’ve written these posts is so open and friendly… I don’t feel so alone. Thank you.
The only worst thing about being asexual is not knowing or understanding what it is that is “different” from other people. The key thing about being asexual is to have people around you who love and respect you as you are. (These people sometimes take a while to find, but it’s worth the wait!) All will be well for you x
I personally don’t care much about sexual things. Its not like I ever look at someone and think… I want to have sex with you. I mean I love reading about sex, but exotic sex like girl on girl mostly. Its not like I want sex with girls or guys. I just really would rather do something else than sex like a date rather than sex. The idea of sex I find kinda ewww… I just never got why when I was around guys why I never had sexual urges around them. My boyfriend can be butt naked around me, and I still have no sexual urges around him. Idk why though it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Even with an ex-girlfriend of mine she kept talking sex, and I would just change the subject. I didn’t find her sexy or hot either. I mean I did sext her, and like that allowing me a glimpse into what other peoples obsession with sex might be. But its not like when she sent me the pic right away that I thought man do I want that… But considering it was new and exciting I think that is why I liked it. I am a person who’d rather have a romantic relationship, close compaionship, and a caring friendship than sex.
My thoughts have always been, “Why would I need to do that? I can do it myself if i need to.” And I’ve never been attracted to anyone. But I’m still not really sure.
I want to thank you. Your posts have cleared up so much confusion. It’s official: I am asexual.
The book/movie part described me perfectly. I’ll be reading a book and I’ll be like, “This book is so cool! There are freaking secret agents and explosions and stuff!” Then, I’ll get half way through and go, “Wait, what the heck is happening? Why are they flirting? Why aren’t they focusing on the mission?! No! Stop with the sex scenes! I thought these two characters hated each other, anyways! Where have all the ninjas and time-bombs gone?! How would you manage to accidentally walk in on somebody showering, anyways?! You should hear the SUPER LOUD running water!I HATE THIS BOOK!!!!!” Because of this, I’ve never managed to finish half of the books that I get on birthdays.
I love you. Are you perhaps an angel? I’ve read about asexuality before and the way it was described, I didn’t think it fit me. But reading this, damn. This is my life story. Society had me thinking that something was missing in me, that I was stunted, failing to mature like my peers. That I was incomplete. Out of shame, I faked it for a long time, but now I understand that it’s okay and completely natural not to care, and I won’t torture myself any longer. I’ve wasted too much time focusing on sex, thinking I need it to be happy, and knowing I can just toss it to the wind is such a relief. Thank you so much.
Few months ago I discovered that such thing even existed. I was depressed and didn’t know what’s wrong with me and why don’t I absolutely care about intimacy. All those touching and flirting for me is like taking a very hard class involving martial arts and I absolutely hate it when it happens. Others tell me that she wants me but I don’t have even a clue and no I don’t want her or anyone. Why would I want an relationship? I need some brochures with good points ha-ha. Makes me feel I want to push them away really hard. I like friendship with really caring about a person and hugging. Why does it always have to be some god knows how important Relationship. I want to enjoy life as a whole. I think some math is involved here, at least it doesn’t come naturally.
Waah, this whole issue is really confusing for me…
I am in a relationship with somebody I really like, and we do have sex, and I find it enjoyable, and I’m pretty sure I don’t just go along with it to please them- although I do have a vague sense that I’m more interested in making them feel good than feeling good myself.
However, I’m not really interested in sex, and feel like I could just as easily go without it; I find it enjoyable, but it doesn’t feel necessary. Whenever I read descriptions of sex in books or see it in movies, it doesn’t do anything for me (same with thinking of people as ‘hot’; I’ve never thought of anybody as ‘hot’, or had sexual desires about people, really…); and sometimes, when listening to people talk about sex, it actually makes me feel kind of upset, like ‘well, I never feel it’s something I ~need~, or anything particularly important, so why do so many other people seem to view it as such…?’ It makes me feel a little separated from other people.
It’s something I genuinely don’t understand, I don’t get why it’s seen as such a big deal- I had a friend explain it to me in the past as being a ‘natural human desire’ that people need to live, like eating or drinking, but it’s never felt like that to me in the slighest.
Before I was in a sexual relationship with somebody I was sure I was aesexual based on the above facts (my lack of interest/understanding of the hype around sex, with no desire to do anything about it), but since I am in a relationship with somebody and I do find it enjoyable I think maybe I’m not after all…? But I do feel like my views on sex are different from a other peoples’, so I don’t know……..
I mean categorising it probably doesn’t matter overly much, in my case, so long as I’m happy, but I would like to know…
Uh, I’m sorry the really long and pointless message, too…
Well, to me it sounds like you could be asexual. But do you feel when you get a kiss like you want to have sex? Or is it more a feeling of ‘I really like you’, and then your led to the bedroom?
I was thinking about demisexuality, maybe…? When you get sexual attration after you have got to know them and become friends. But many things fit in on this post and how I myself feel (^ ^) so it’s difficult to say. And only you can decide~!
(I love this post!!)
This has made me feel so much better. I always thought it was super weird that I never wanted to have sex or ever thought it was enticing. I am never sexually attracted to anyone and I never feel like I am attracted enough to anyone, to have a relationship. I am afraid they would be bored because I just think of a relationship as going to the movies, going shopping, or doing outside activities. I never think of a sexual aspect to it. I’ve had a few people ask me if I was ace, and I’ve always said no because I figured I was just going through a phase and it would happen one day. Well, as a I got older I realized that it wouldn’t go away and that maybe I am ace. My best friend has been telling me for a year and a half that he thinks I’m ace. I’m starting to think he may be right. Again, this website has made me feel less weird and alienated than before. I don’t feel like a freak or a weirdo who has no desire to have sex. I feel like I am not alone and I feel accepted.
Before reading this article i have always being wondering why i never felt sexually attracted to any woman ( I am 27 year old) so i guess now that’s due to the fact that i’ m asexual.
PLEASE HELP! I’m like this about sex and stuff, but I don’t love people either. Never loved anyone. i think romance is completely alien. Never felt romantic or had a crush. I just don’t like anyone. I may not be asexual if I can’t feel love either. Is there a name for this? I don’t know. Am I crazy? Are other asexuals like this?
Sounds like “aromantic” might be something you’d want to look into.
Have you read about introversion?
Maybe you don’t like people they exhaust you … drain your energy …
I felt an obligation to thank you for these posts. I have been confused as to my orientation for a while. I’m a sophomore in high school, so sex has become more prominent than it was when I was younger. I always hear my friends say they felt like a new person after their first time, and I just thought “what’s so life-changing?” it even seems repulsive to me at times. I never identified as heterosexual simply because I never felt attracted to females. I ended up with bisexual because I didn’t care about the gender, but I didn’t really care about any of it at all. I have been doing research lately, because this whole thing has been bugging me. I related to almost all of these scenarios (except the ones involving the partaking of sexual activity) and after more research I have found that this is what I am. Sex has never appealed to me, whether it is regular, oral, etc. What confused me the most is how there is sex implied in almost EVERY SINGLE song I hear. I just find it disturbing to hear how they did indescribable things to a random chick they picked up in the club. I also found I had a lack of knowledge of the processes involved with sex. It just never added up to me. Sorry if this post irritated you in some way, I just needed to get this out and this seemed to be a good outlet. Thanks for the posts and help :D
On a side note, I would like to know how this got a profile picture for me, since this is the one I have on skype ㅎ-ㅎ.
It’s using Gravatar. It’s possible that’s what Skype uses, too.
Thanks so much for sharing your personal experience!!!
As a result of reading articles such as yours, I develop a clearer concept of myself as an asexual woman. Don’t stop writing! You have a gift!
I’m really thankful that you went through and explained all of this. It cleared a lot up. Not a whole lot of it sounds like me but on the other hand… My question though is that, yeah, i’ve thought about sex and such, and I think I want that kind of relationship, but when someone holds my hand or kisses me, I really don’t like it. And I have a big problem with most people touching me. (Although I’m fine hugging my friends and cuddling.) Is it just that I’m not attracted to that specific person (or haven’t found the right person) or is it me? And I’ve never had a crush on an actual person, fictional characters aside. (Side note…why does sexuality have to be confusing?)
I’m an aromantic asexual myself (16/male/Mexico/INTJ, if anyone is interested), and to interact with many of my friends, I have to try to think sexually. Sometimes I come off as an accidental pervert because of the fact that I have no intuitive feeling of what is «normal» and what is «weird». And anyway, I’m one of that rare breed who factor large numbers for fun (I told a schoolmate that it’s my substitute for masturbation, so they could really grasp my asexuality), so…
My friendships are mainly with the less popular students. I find that they can be quite a few orders of magnitude more interesting and multidimensional than the in-crowd, and that has earned me the stately respect and admiration of my peers. It can be a difficult matter, because I really don’t understand teenagers, but I can always open up to them.
I’m a sapiophile, but definitely not in a sexual way. For me, it’s more like wanting to spend hours talking to intelligent people, to delve into the depths of their personalities and emerge having learnt something new, and I have a 133 IQ, so it’s hard for me to find a similar partner. (I know IQ is flawed, but I needed the comparison.) Being an asexual has its benefits and drawbacks, but it’s part of my identity, and I don’t think I’d like to be different.
OMG the part about having to think about the no-strings, no-regrets, no-consequences sexual encounter “well, what day is it, I have things I usually do . . . ” I never even thought of that and I agree. Still working into this idea of asexuality but everything seems to be lining up for me, which both relieves and complicates things sadly ^^”
Man…I am so asexual it isn’t even funny. I am what is called a “heteroromantic asexual”. Check it up on Wikipedia. I am a man, I like women, and want to marry a woman who I find aesthetically attractive and be with them forever. I want to sleep in the same bed as her, kiss her, cuddle with her, hold her hand, hug her, and even make out with her. No sex though. No nakedness. I find it repulsive. I have been like this my whole life. People told me that “going through a phase” bullcrap, but I am 23 now, and I am no different. Puberty is over for me forever.
I’m just like you, but a 23-year-old heteroromantic asexual female. I don’t personally like kissing, either- or at least not prolonged “making out” lol, probably would prefer to refrain from the kissing part at all – but all of the other stuff just describes me 100% perfectly. ;)
Yeah I’m with you as well! (and also 23 – that’s weird :P) For the past couple of years I have just constantly longed for a boyfriend. I have crushes all the time and it never really occurred to me that I might be asexual. I thought that I just had some intimacy issues and/or a bit of social anxiety in these situations and I should just get on with it as it means I can be close to a person I like. I’m still not sure I couldn’t enjoy it if I were given some time and the right person. But apparently that is not how a sexual person would view it? I mean, a lot of the points fit with me (I would not mind one bit if I could never have sex again) and another one that I’ve thought of is those instances where people seem unable to stop themselves from having sex – I guess there is something going on there. It just seems so difficult to pin point – I really want someone to share my life with and be close to (though I agree with luvtheheaven about kissing…) but is there an aspect ‘missing’. How important is that aspect? Would a sexual man be okay with my disinterest if I was still willing to participate as much as I could? I just want to find someone…
These posts perfectly described me, and what you wrote about your romantic goals seems to match what I’m looking for as well. I’m so glad this website exists. It’s been very helpful.
Oh man, I am the same. 22 year old heteroromantic female who develops occasional crushes on people. Never had a boyfriend before. Up until know I thought that maybe I’m just a little too anti-social, old-fashioned and need to meet the right person, but now I realize that the real reason is that I’m asexual. Recently I’ve met a guy and it hit me that although I like him, cuddling with him sounds much more ideal than sex. Now that I’ve figured out I’m asexual it freaks me out a lot. I want to be intimate with someone in other ways besides having sex, I want someone to share all my life activities with but I’m so afraid I’ll never find someone who would accept me and settle for no-sex relationship. I pretty much feel like I’m cursed to be alone for eternity.
Reading a lot of these make me want to shed a tear or something. I remember last year when I told the first person ever, my boyfriend at the time, that I suspected I was asexual. I got a lot of grief for awhile about that. That made it difficult, the fighting. He did end up being an angel, though. He decided I was much more important than sex. I broke up with him yesterday. For non-related reasons, though he did nothing wrong. I am a very romantic person, and I have fallen in love before- but ever since I was little sex disgusted and embarrassed me. I have had no sexual trauma or anything! When I was 7 I had a female friend (I am a girl, age 19) who was very perverted. She knew alllll the details, and she’d get me to play make-believe sexual games with her. We never actually DID anything that I remember, thank God, but now that I look back it seems very strange to me. When I was younger I really wanted to have sex for some reason. But, anyway, this post amazingly matches up with me, and it made me laugh. Sometimes I worry that when I start dating in college this fall that no one will want to be with me since…I really, really don’t want sex. I never notice “hot” guys, shirtless pictures mean nothing to me. I’m attracted to guys a lot, but only romantically. From what I’ve experienced of kissing, it’s kind of gross and it bores me. Cuddling’s awesome. I can get aroused but it takes a lot of work and fantasy. I literally hate sex, and nobody understands when I say this. I feel angry at sex sometimes, maybe because it’s what makes me different. I am not as different as sex makes me!
I really relate to a lot of what you’re saying. Especially your point of view on kissing vs. cuddling. ;)
I’ m hetromo ace female. I don’t have a perefrence between kissing & cuddling as I’m inexperienced. Ab pics are nice to me. I’m penis repulsed but sex curious.
Thank you for this site and especially for these lists. They made me finally accept that I am asexual, not just some “straight by default person who is not very good at this”. This thing has been bothering me for a long time so it’s nice to have some confirmation. I’m a 26 years old woman. Still a virgin. Only had one boyfriend. For the longest time I have thought I’d HAVE to have sex to be allowed to say I’m asexual but these articles made it clear that there’s many other ways to tell this too (and boy did I recognize myself from many of the examples here). This makes me feel relieved and boosted my self-confidence. The idea of “I have to do it because everyone else does even though it doesn’t interest me at all but yeesh, I’m almost 30 so I’ll have to or I’m a failure” is really uncomfortable and honestly kind of stupid. This site made me realize that I don’t have to pay heed to what the other “normal” people say or do. I don’t have to do these things because “everyone else does”. Thanks for that. I’m really feeling more comfortable now that I could actually pinpoint the reason and actually feel good about it, not take it as something to feel ashamed of :).
My whole life I’ve felt out of step, out of touch with everyone around me. I wasn’t sure what made me different, made me feel different than everyone else. I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone. Ever. My family thought I must have been a closeted homosexual, some even dropping hints about myself and my best friends maybe being more than friends. And I would get pissed off and tell them NO I AM NOT GAY. I just wasnt interested in anybody. By then the questions would start: Why aren’t you dating anyone? Are you seeing someone?
They couldn’t understand that I wasn’t interested. At all. I didn’t understand it myself. I thought there was something wrong with me, something missing.
But I have to now conclude that maybe I am asexual. Everything written in these articles I can absolutely relate to. Missed flirting, no sexual attraction to anyone, reading and speaking about sex is completely boring to me. Let alone participating. I have never had sex and I’ve never felt the need to. With anyone. I seriously don’t get what the whole fascination is with it. I’ve loved people but never had the urge to have sex with them. It is something of a relief to diagnose (if you will) what has been going on with me. It explains so much. Thank you.
This is sort of true for me i guess. I have tried to create fantasies in my head, but all the desire that builds up diffuses when the actual act starts. The kissing, the tension in the air gets to me, but anything beyond that leaves a sick taste in my mouth.
I’ve liked guys before but I wouldn’t want to have sex with them. Nd no, I’ve never found any guy, hot in any way. Nor have I been attracted to girls. Strange thing is, even if I was “into” someone, I wouldn’t want to make out with them, have sex etc. and I wouldn’t want the other person doing it with me either. I wouldn’t like being touched by him. For me, a perfect relationship would be strictly platonic.
I also believe that for me, I don’t need to have sex. My life is just happy and fine without it. I’m fine with just touching myself. I don’t need someone else to do any of it for me.
I think I may be asexual but I’m not sure. I like watching porn but only the reality ones and I always skip once I get to the part where they actually have sex. I enjoy reading about sex (but only gay). I think penises and vaginae are disgusting. I have had a few boyfriends but only in high school and college. I’ve never really been attracted to girls or boys and the thought of having sex scares me more than it disgusts me.
Oh my God. This has been so helpful, and thank you so much for putting it up. I’m a 15 year old girl, and yeah, I fit into the ‘I must be straight, by default’ category. All my friends assume I’m straight, on the grounds that I attend a girls’ school and I’ve never shown any interest in anyone there, but… My best friend has a habit of falling in love with celebrities, and she’ll show me photographs and go ‘he’s so gorgeous. Why can’t I have him?!’ or, occasionally, just, ‘ovaries. Exploding.’ and I’ll look at them and, logically speaking, I can see that he or she is aesthetically pleasing, but I don’t think of them in terms of sex. Equally, I’ll be out with her and she’ll whisper to me, “did you see that guy we just walked past?” and I’ll have to just hum, because actually, no, I didn’t notice anyone. People speak of looking at each other and just WANTING, and… I don’t get that. I’ve been researching for a while and this has assuaged my last doubts, so thank you, you’ve been an enormous help :D
the thing with me is i DO have sexual fantasies and masturbate, but im never in the fantasies, and they never seem to have any actual people. just like, nameless dudes having sex with no romantic tension or anything. also i DO feel sexually attracted sometimes, but not in a “i would have sex with that person” or even “i would date that person,” but more along the lines of “yes, good job” and “if the apocalypse came today i hope you survive so all of future humanity will have a great bod.” But at the same time, everything else describes me; i really dont care for sex scenes in anything, i actually rewrite it in my head like “and then she pushed him away, and ‘said what are you doing? Weirdo.'” And when i look at smut or porn, thats all i want to see.
the fascination with sex is just really annoying! why cant they just jack off? when people tell me about their experiences i just cant fathom why. ive never really had a legit crush on anyone, and only wanted a boyfriend in a detached sort of way because that seems to be the normal thing to happen. ive never been in a sex situation before, so there’s still the possibility it could magically stop being gross when the hormones kick in, but i doubt it.
Yeah I’m exactly the same with fantasies and masturbation. And I’ve sort of ‘practised’ picturing myself and actual people, but it never does much for me.
The same, in my mind it’s great, but when I think of someone I know or someone touches me it’s disgusting.
Exactly, I feel the same way.
I think I have asexual tendencies. I don’t really look at people and think that I would like to have sex with them, even a celebrity that I find physically attractive, I am unable to imagine myself having sex with them. It just seems awkward and wrong. If I have a “sexy” dream, I immediately balk as soon as a penis shows up and the dream comes to a screeching halt. I won’t say that I never masturbate and hate it, it’s just incredibly difficult for me and takes a very long time. I never think of anything sexual while attempting anything either, it’s just a distraction more than anything else. I have also never found porn or sex scenes in books to be even remotely interesting or appealing.
I’m married and I love my husband and sometimes the thought of having sex with him is enticing but once we start it’s just a chore. I have sex with him because I love him, but I am more interested in him romantically than sexually. If I do have a thought of being intimate with him or any sort of fantasy, it’s usually just lying there and snuggling a person just to enjoy their warmth and presence.
Is there a sliding scale of asexuality where you mate with a person you love romantically because it helps to solidify a relationship between you but sex is not very important to you in general? If so then I’m likely asexual or have definite asexual leanings.
While this 3-part article DID help to clear up some things for me, it also brought more confusion about myself. I’ve known about asexuality for a few years due to one of my best friend being ace, but only in the last 6-9 months have I heard about grey-A, pansexual, & demisexual. At first glimpse I would say that I’m a demisexual, but after doing more research & reading (& finding the lines more blurry than expected), now I’m not sure where exactly I fall on that scale or if I even know what a sexual attraction actually is. Seems to me like sexual attraction is actually different from physical attraction, but I had thought they were the same.
I’ve been physically attracted to men, even to the point of wanting to engage in sensual activities (cuddling, kissing, holding hands), but everytime I’ve ever had a crush on someone, no matter how strong that crush/attraction was, I could never fantasize about being in bed with them. I could only ever go as far as fantasizing about kissing/cuddling, but whenever I’d try out thinking about having actual sex with them I’d feel wrong/weird about it. I DO however find SOME men “hot” – but to me I always assumed “hot” was just another description like “beautiful” or cute, but having a stronger physical appeal than those…so I’d say someone was hot occasionally, but if given the chance I’d still not want to have sex with them. In fact the ONLY time I think I’d ever feel comfortable about sex with anyone (fantasizing or real) is in a very serious committed relationship – and even then I’m not totally sure how I’d feelIin that situation, since I’ve NEVER been in a relationship with anyone.
So I guess I’m asking for a bit of clarification about what a sexual attraction actually means/entails, because I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever had one, even towards serious crushes. The most I’ve ever felt towards a serious crush or romantic interest was a warm fuzzy feeling in my chest/stomach from looking at them, with or without a possible desire to kiss them (but not actually feel the urge to do so even when in close proximity). How would you classify that kind of physical reaction?? Is it sexual or just sensual? Or merely romantic attraction?? Simply looking at a person has never given me any urges, nor a desire beyond kissing, so I THINK that’s not really a sexual attraction. And since I have no experience of being in a romantic relationship to base it off of, I don’t know if I would ever actually develop a sexual attraction after a strong emotional connection has formed. I only assume I would but so far it hasn’t happened yet despite having serious crushes/romantic attractions.
Maybe I just answered my own questions, but being so analytical about everything I’m not sure if I’m over-thinking it lol.
And I TOTALLY relate to the whole flirting dilemma. I honestly can’t tell the difference when a person is flirting or if it’s just part of their personality, if they’re “just being nice”. o.0
I was desperately searching the internet, trying to find out whether I was lesbian or not. I am 14, but I never had a crush on a guy. I was convinced that if I didn’t like guys, then by default, I’m sexually attracted to girls. But your post is so relatable, it basically describes my life.
I find the concept of sex weird, interesting, and slightly disturbing. I like to find information on the internet about it, but only to find out how it works scientifically. I tune out of conversations when my friends talk about the ‘hot’ guys and girls at my school. It took me months to figure out what ‘that’s what she said’ meant.
When I look into the future, I see myself successful, wealthy, happy, and with a adorable pet kitten. But I don’t see a husband, or any romantic happenings really. I don’t understand the need for sex scenes in movies or in books, and they don’t add anything to the storyline, even though they may sell better with that content.
Apparently I flirt with guys a lot. But I never notice when I do it, except when people tell me. I just talk to them like I would with my any of my friends
I guess its too early to tell whether I’m asexual or not. But I’ll keep it in mind. Plus, being asexual doesn’t sound that bad at all to me…
Cool, I was around 14 when I first considered being asexual, but I didn’t want to think about it (it wasn’t important, really); and then during the next years it would pop up in my head again, like “Can I be asexual? From the desciption I guess it fits me. No, it’s not time yet.” And I would think all those things mentioned in the post of being “straight by default” a.s.o.
But I guess I’ve always known I am asexual… Yeah. And I like it, it’s (just) a part of me.
It’s not necessarily too early to know whether or not you are asexual. People know at your age, and even earlier, whether or not they are heterosexual or homosexual, so why not asexual? I wish I’d known about it when I was your age because there’s so much on this site which really rings true with me. I always thought there was something wrong with me when I was younger. I’m 51 now, married with three children and could happily never have sex again (I haven’t broached the subject with my husband though and don’t know if I can. I just avoid anything to do with it really). When I was your age and other people were having boy and girlfriends it never appealed to me. As I got older I could ‘fancy’ someone but the if there was any thought that they might reciprocate then I’d completely go off them. I have a feeling that my 17 year old daughter might be asexual too so I might broach the subject with her. A male friend of hers has just come out as gay, so I might ask her if asexuality was ever talked about in sex education at school, just to open the subject. I could of course be completely wrong about her, but it might be something she’s never even heard of. Anyway I hope you work things out for yourself soon. All the best.
”Well, I don’t know… It’s Friday. Fringe is on. I guess I could record it, but I was looking forward to watching it all day.” First of all: thumbs up for watching Fringe :D and this is totally how I react to pretty much every last minute invitation for a social event/coming over to a friends house etc. when I already have other things planned in my head :’) especially when it’s watching TV shows I don’t want to miss.
a thousand times yes to the “sex is not love, love is not sex” bit…people seem to view sex between couples as the ultimate proof of love, and that not wanting to have sex with one’s significant other somehow makes one’s feelings for him/her less legitimate.
couldn’t help but laugh a little when i read the part about being flirt-blind….would love to be able to recognize flirtation without the help of others! guessing it would help cut down on the outings-turned-surprise-dates as well.
I cried. Thank you posting that and putting my scattered thoughts into something I can show my family.
Definitely asexual. When I think about it, I have been like this since I was 12. During high school/ college, before I knew about asexuality, I attributed my apathy to always moving because of my parents job and never forging those deep connections or friendships.
I always stop at “cute” when talking/ thinking about guys. I don’t get the whole “sexy” thing and it doesn’t help that I live in Scotland and it is perpetually baltic and people STILL go out half dressed. I have LIKED and considered dating (if he asked) one person since high school. And only because I liked talking to him, not because he was sexually attractive. I TOTALLY get thinking everyone else is pretending. Most of the time I just thought they were weird not me.
Love your posts! Confirms a lot of my thoughts and feelings about this particular topic. Thanks!
oh my gosh, this is me. this is so me. thank you very much for writing all of this down. i was always the one girl in class who never got what all the fuss with the kissing and the boyfriend/girlfriend thing was. i just confused the hell out of me. and when i ‘finally’ got a boyfriend in college i never felt anything more than friendship and i didn’t even want to ‘do the do’. i thought i was broken, that there was something wrong with me, what with never having the desire to connect with another person on a more intimate level. i don’t even have a need for someone else in my life, and my family sometimes asks me ‘when will you find the girl of your dreams?’, ‘don’t you want a relationship?’, ‘aren’t you lonely?’ and i always think to myself ‘no, not really. i’m perfectly content where i am. why would i need someone else who would mess with my independence and my routine?’
thank you for making me feel as not so much like an outsider. thank you very much.
I think this might be me. I actually do. I mean, I’ve been in love (I think it was what I felt anyway. Might be something else for other people) with both boys and girls, but I imagine holding hands and stroking their hair and talk openly about everything. I also think that kissing would be really nice to do with someone you liked, but the thought of having sex with them just seems … off. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, I can imagine other people having it, but myself? Eh, No. But I’m a bit in doubt, as I really enjoy romantic scenes in books. Not the having sex-part, but the being close and feeling safe together-part.
But the flirting part … I didn’t even get your example, even though the title stated it. And I remember once that I read a comic where the characters was drawn so that it looked like they were naked, and in the last panel it got revealed that they were wearing shorts, and I was like “huh, they should have been a bit more careful when making this comic, somebody could think it was about sex or somethi… Oh.”
I’d love to have a husband and have children with them, but I have never really thought about the sexual part. The only reason I would imagine having sex was if I wanted to have a child.
The only thing that confuses me is the straight by default-thing, because as forementioned, I do fall in love, even with fictional characters and of both genders, but I just fantazise about hugging and the occasional kiss. This makes it quite clear for me that I’m asexual, but … Can you be bisexual and asexual at the same time?
You CAN in a sense – what you’re describing is being BI-ROMANTIC Asexual. Your romantic orientation is towards both gendersbut you’re not sexually attracted to either. Or you can also call it Pan-romantic (if you believe there’s more than 2 genders & you’d be romantically attracted to all of them). :)
“Sex is not love, love is not sex.”
I have had this conversation SO MANY times over the years and the other party just looks at me as though I am an alien!
Having finally found the asexual community after being this way for 40-odd years it is good to know that I am not the only one.
The flirting stuff is so spot-on, the times I have not realised for ages after that someone was flirting with me (and then felt bad because they were ‘nice’ and I probably hurt their feelings), the times when I DID realise and had to figure out a way to negate things because I just WAS NOT INTERESTED…
Sigh, so complicated as I am definitely Hetero-Romantic, I adore being ‘in love’ but sex is just boring work not pleasure :/
I am 32 and have only had one girlfriend. I have NEVER EVER had a satisfying sexual experience, though I have tried. I view masturbation as a bodily function that has to be taken care of so that I can get on with things. I have no clue how to ‘play the game’ and will never get it.
I have been very confused for most of my life about this. I have felt like there was something wrong with me, like I was a pussy, undesirable, lame, etc etc. I even have hated women for this area never working out. I now realize that this will never work out.
Fuck (no pun intended), I can’t even stay hard when I have had sex. It’s crazy. Its like once I get to the endzone I find that I lose interest very quickly and am done and want to go read a book. This is before the sex commences.
It has been about 2 years now since I have had sex (another half hearted attempt to attain an ideal experience that didn’t happen – yet again). The funny thing is that I don’t really care all that much. In fact I feel relieved to not be concerned with this.
Though I am shocked a bit upon looking into this, my gut is telling me that I may be asexual. I am going to ponder this before making any final conclusions. But one thing is sure – I would rather debate the merits of atheism and socialism on the internet than chase women.
This is so bizarre but so familiar.
Of these three posts, some of these aren’t applicable to me since I’ve never had sex/been in a relationship (I’m 18), but of the ones that are, maybe 25% is spot on, 25-35% is somewhat true, and the rest not at all. What does this mean? I’m so confused and sad and lonely. :( Do you think this will change as I get older? In other typical terms of puberty such as moodiness and things, I did find that I was a late bloomer/they just never happened to a great magnitude.
It has hapened to me to at reading the post: I can be attracted and have fantasies, but when I get to know someone it evaporates (at first I thought it was because my classmates were stupid and they lost all their appeal XD), also, physical sexual contact is disgusting.
I wish someone could tell me for sure what I am, so I could stop thinking about it and just be me. I often feel so alienated even in non-romance relationships because I’m thinking about what the other person is thinking/wanting when I’d rather just be reading a book by myself.
I currently don’t even have friends because I find it too hard to maintain exhausting relationships, etc. I have zero interest in romance and am still never kissed another person, or had sex. I can easily flirt and make friends, but feels very fake and hard to maintain.
I enjoy reading a lot and do have “feelings” when I read sex scenes, though I don’t actively search them out, I don’t avoid them either. When thinking of fictional characters I find it easier to understand and relate to, but when thinking of myself in a similar position or another person I know makes me feel scared and frankly a little sickened. Even hugging other people is awkward for me. Wish I could be normal.
Thank you for this guide, it was helpful to me, though I still don’t know if I’m ‘ace’ since I do feel ‘turned on’ by fictional sex scenes and feel absolutely no cuddly feelings regarding others.
I read your post and thought of helping you (the best I can). ^ ^
I consider myself an asexual. When I think of myself with someone I feel slightly scared and a little sickened, just like you do, and I don’t ever plan to have sex, unless it’s someone I really love and feel really right with then maybe. I don’t masturbate, tried once and it was like playing with worms in the dirt – really weird and not that pleasant (though I like worms, have nothing against them). But I do enjoy reading sex scenes with fictional characters. That is something I think have been influenced to me by everyone around me… I hope I don’t sound stupid, but I think that’s my form of “sex drive”.
When I read about you I think you can be aromantic asexual. Heard of it? When you don’t want a relationship of basically any form with anyone.
I like (okay, ‘like’ is not the right word, it’s more like it’s just something I am) being asexual. But I am also a little weird that way, because I have always liked being different. And not only different in a good way! It’s something I almost get a kick out of. (Almost.)
Did I get everything on the checklist? … If not, just ask. ^ ^
I am still a teenager so it is hard for me to tell exactly what, per-say, my orientation is and it doesn’t help that I tried to talk to my parents about the possibility of asexuality and they started screaming that it was impossible, which seems highly close minded for people who support gay marriage. Anyways, I have one specific “characteristic” that didn’t come up at all in the posts but to me is the most compelling for the possibility of asexuality. Whenever people ask me out or tell me that they like me I get exceedingly nauseous and I don’t think it is the “butterflies” that people always talk about. I am heaving in a trashcan nauseous and I end up avoiding the people forever afterwards. I always feel bad because I love them as friends and I don’t know why I get so nauseous. Some of my friends say it is because I actually like them, others say it is because I have a fear of emotional commitment. I personally feel like it is an irrational “phobia” because “what harm could a date really do?” but nevertheless I get sick. The reason, I believe, that I am having such trouble with identity is because I have OCD and I read that some people with OCD think that they are gay when they are not but I have absolutely no idea if this applies to asexuality too. I was just wondering if someone might be able to tell me if my romantically-linked sickness is a sign or just weird idk but any answers would help. Thanks!
Well it gets complicated because what it seems you’re reacting to is the possibility of romance, not sex. Only some asexuals are sex-repulsed, and only some asexuals consider themselves aromantic at all. I personally have never heard of aromantics being romance-repulsed, but I could see perhaps it being possible.
It does sound to me that your underlying anxiety disorder – or possibly if you have more than one – is what is at play here. If you ever can be caused to feel that physically ill from something that is essentially non-physical, that sounds like something to talk to a mental health professional about.
If you are asexual, and/or aromantic, that might be a small piece of the puzzle. Perhaps your sex or romance drive would overpower whatever uncomfortableness you feel when someone asks you out. I don’t know. And perhaps you having none is part of the problem.
Okay but what if it’s more like you only ever experience arousal when reading a well-written sex scene? Like I’ve tried the whole actually doing sex thing and it just…I mean my body seemed to react at least slightly like it should have. But there was no deeper feeling to it or indication that the sensations would grow to the point they’re supposed to. But sometimes when I read a well-written scene the emotions of the characters turn me on and make me squirm.
A lot of these three pages fits for me but that’s the main thing that led to me looking into what might be up with me sexually. Since hearing about asexuality never seemed to make sense in relation to me before. Anyway, has anyone else felt this particular way before?
Yes, I feel this way, and it is very confusing. I get aroused by erotica but never by actual human beings.
There are other, nonsexual instances of this for some people: think about people who cry at movies and books but never really understand why people care about and are invested in “drama” in real life.
I feel exactly this way and am glad you said so. It’s very confusing to me–if I can get sexually aroused by certain abstract scenes but never by other actual human beings, does that make me asexual? I try to avoid the “you just haven’t found the right person yet” response because to me it frankly sounds like bullshit. There seems to b a great deal of stigma attached to asexuality and a pressure to talk and think about sex constantly. Many people I know would perceive asexuality as there being something wrong with me, instead of just a part of my orientation.
I will read/watch thing with sex scenes but I look at them as more of a “wow look at this interaction of other people” in the same way that I look out the window at couples that are walking down the street.
It sounds like most people are very relieved to see this and connect with it.
Does anyone feel really sad? I feel really sad. I feel like everyone else got to a party before me and got to try something AMAZING that came out on a tray, but by the time I showed up they were all out. I feel like that happens to me every day.
I read about sex and love all the time and for a long time I thought that what I felt was desire for people. It was not. It was, in fact, desire for desire (which TLP helpfully pointed out in narcissism posts, but which is still relevant here). And it wasn’t just desire: it was a cathartic burning want. I believed so thoroughly that there was a spectrum of joy associated with love and that once I met the right person I would get to feel some of those things.
I’m not going to meet the right person, though. Because the common denominator isn’t “wrong people.” It’s me.
It might be nice to be able to ‘turn on the programming’ just once to be able to know what it actually felt like, but I wouldn’t want it permanently as it seems to control their lives – just like being a drug addict!
It sounds like you are young, so at least you know early. I only discovered I was ace in my 50s so it is quite possible to live a full life as we are, don’t despair!
I’m very glad you expressed this viewpoint. I feel exactly the same way. For a long time, I had wondered if maybe I was asexual, because whenever people began to talk about sex I felt like I was missing out on something. The very idea of never being physically attracted to another person throughout my entire life is quite devastating to me. I’m a bit of a romantic myself, and reading romance novels or watching romance movies now depresses me because I know I’ll never experience that feeling. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me–like I’m somehow incomplete. I wish I wasn’t asexual so that I could be a join in this thing called sex which seems to bring so much meaning to other peoples’ lives, but at this point I feel fairly sure that I’ll never be a part of that. I know that sex and romantic love are two different things, but I fail to see how they are unrelated, and it’s difficult for me to envision asexuality as a positive trait within myself because I can only picture it as a cause for loneliness. I fear that we live in such a sex-driven society that I may never be in a fulfilling relationship. I’m glad I’m not the only one with these worries. Sometimes I wonder if I’m going to die alone. It’s not a very cheerful thought.
I worry about being alone, too. But I try to remember that a) my friendships are fulfilling and b) many of the people I know in sexual relationships don’t feel happier because of it. So at least I’m not worse off than other people—I’m just worse off than I might be if I were sexual.
Digitus1, were you able to have fulfilling romantic relationships without knowing you were ace? Or did you just not feel the lack of them? The lack is what bothers the most—wanting to want it and knowing you’re a degree removed from the desire.
I have had three romantic relationships in my time.
My first when I was about 23-24 resulted in a marriage that lasted 15 years. For whatever reasons the love died and I became ‘restless’. I made love relatively often during the marriage as a way of keeping the emotional bond and closeness, not because it was anything more special than a nice meal.
A lady from my past whom I had been attracted to came back into my life and she initiated a relationship which finished the marriage. I loved her intensely in a romantic way, but she had been trained by her previous relationship to think that love was highly dependent on sex and that it was very important – this doomed the relationship as I could not make myself be even remotely interested in that level of physical activity :P
The lady I have been with for the last 14 years is a ‘sexual’ but not intensely so, possibly because of being an abuse victim. We had some difficulties with the relationship before I realised about myself, but when I ‘outed’ myself to her she seems to be OK with it. We have not been intimate for probably 3 years or more and probably will not be ever again but we rub along together reasonably well so…
I always loved romance and being in love but it is a problem when the ‘other’ wants the physical manifestations of love too. Possibly it is easier to get away with this if you are female but it is almost impossible to pretend to desire when you are male!
So, in summary, it IS possible to have long and close relationships as an ACE. Sacrifices and accommodations have to be made, but this is so in any relationship. Knowing your nature and being honest about it and it’s effects seems to help once a relationship IS forged – I don’t know how things would go if you outed before any emotional closeness was already established.
Hope this ramble helps in some way :)
I have to be perfectly honest. I kinda wandered onto this website by accident while looking for a proper definition of asexualism after reading about it in a book. I seem to have had a rather severe wake up call in the process. While reading these posts and the comments some people have posted I realised that there is a very real possibility that I’m asexual.
It’s a bit shocking since I’ve never really considered the possibility before, but there seem to be too many similarities for it to be a coincidence. I’m a female turning 27 in a few days and I’ve only ever had one boyfriend and I’m still a virgin. We were never really intimate and in actual fact only ever made out once. I noticed previously that I’ve never been a physically expressive person but the kissing felt *gross*. We broke up shortly after and I didn’t even really care.
I always believed that I was like this because my parents raised me and my brother to value ourselves, but I’ve always found other peoples fascination with sex and romance strange. I don’t really care if people find out I’ve never had sex before, but they always get that same weird look on their face like I’ve just grown a second head or something, and I always get the same question. ‘But don’t you ever feel the urge?’ I’ve always thought that I can’t miss what I’ve never had, but even then they still just stare. I’ve thought about it, but the thought of putting myself in that position actually grossed me out, but I thought there must be something to it that only those who’ve tried it feel and understand. That doesn’t seem to be the case.
For the flirting, normally when someone starts talking to me about anything intimate or has sexual implications I tend to answer as vaguely as possible since it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want to offend them by saying I *really* don’t see them that way. It took a solid seven years of this before I realised people thought I was flirting. And thats just the people who were very blunt about the way they phrased things, like the one guy who essentially asked me to be his ‘friend with benefits’.
At one time I seriously considered whether I was gay or bi, but I realised that I could take note of what looks attractive, but theres no interest beyond that. I know what kind of physique is pleasing to the eye, but I’ve never just stopped to ‘watch the scenery’ as it were. I don’t think any of the people around me have ever noticed my complete lack of interest in anything sexual. The people at my job seem to talk about sex related things 90% of the time so I’ve learned to respond properly when involved in a discussion or when they try to tease me, but generally it just irritates me. Half the time I’ll be standing there wondering if I really work with such a bunch of idiots, the rest of the time I’ll be wondering if I remembered to water the plants, or thinking about that new book that I really want to read.
I seem to be going on and on, but this is actually quite a big shock, especially since I don’t think anyone around me will actually properly understand or accept this if I actually am asexual. And this from someone with *really* understanding family and friends. I don’t even know who I can talk to about this since my closest relationship is with my mother. I’ve felt slightly concerned about my lack of interest a few times before once I realised it wasn’t normal, but I’ve always been told I just haven’t found the right person.
I should actually be thanking you for this post. You expressed things clearly with a very open and friendly tone. If not for that I don’t think I would have been able to accept it as well as I have. I really hope you keep up the posts so that you can help other people just as confused about themselves as we are.
It looks like, from your post and others, that asexuality is going to be fighting for acceptance in the same way as homosexuality fought for. I wonder if people feel somehow threatened by people who just aren’t interested in sex at all? As a teenager/adult I’ve never ever been aware of whether or not anyone was showing interest in me, never recognised flirting, but was often accused of doing it myself(!). Someone once said to me “if someone made a pass a you, you probably wouldn’t notice would you?” and I had to agree. ‘Making a pass’ at someone is a phrase I’ve heard so often, but haven’t a clue even what it means! This website and the comments have really made things slot into place for me, and I realise now that I am and always have been asexual. I’ve just got to try and tell my husband :-(
I’m only 15, so it was really confusing for me at first. I didn’t really think about it until I was thinking about the guy I liked and realised that I never wanted to ‘get it on’. I didn’t find him ‘fit’- in fact, I thought he was sort of ugly until I saw him acting, ad then I realised I am basically attracted to people based on personality/talents. It’s really hard though, because I knew that loads of guys in my year were having sex and that was pretty much all they thought about. But, even though quite a few of the girls are having sex, nobody really has a good answer for how much ‘normal’ teenage girls are supposed to think about that. Like, they could have just been pressured into it, but… And it’s quite a personal question to ask someone! Pretty sure I’m an ace, or maybe somewhere else under the umbrella. But nothing’s permanent, it could just be a ‘phase’, but that doesn’t make it irrelevant. Sorry rant over I really should get some sleep :)
I love reading romance novels, but you know how they tend to build up to the moment, the entire book avoids sex right until the end… I always find myself thinking, what’s wrong with these characters? they like each other, so just get on with it! but I realise now its about the build up of sexual tension which I’m sure many readers enjoy. But I don’t feel it, and so I get frustrated at the characters for always beating around the bush and messing with each other. I get it now, I’m just oblivious to the sexual emotions the book is trying to portray.
I totally understand you! Omg, I always end up shouting at the characters in a romance to actually do something, because GOD…! They are so indenial and making any excuse not to be together. But now I have trained (that sounds weird – but it’s true!) myself to read erotic stuff and it’s not really a problem anymore… so much… only a little… yeah…
Reading these articles has really cleared some things up for me. Growing up, I never had crushes, never looked at someone and thought “hey, I could see myself kissing them.” And I always thought that I just hadn’t found someone that I wanted to do that with.
I like hearing about other peoples relationships, I’ll read romance novels, and I’ll even play-flirt with my friends, but I’ve never really wanted a relationship. There’s nothing that I want to do with someone that I couldn’t do with them as friends, so I’ve never seen what makes dating such a big deal.
My family doesn’t get it, though. My mom tells me not to label myself, because you never know what might happen, so I keep saying that maybe if I meet the right person I’ll want to date, but I’ve never really believed it.
I just hate the way people pity me when I say that I’m not interested in relationships. I hate feeling like I’m missing out on some big, fantastic thing that everyone loves. They always say “don’t worry, you’ll find someone.” But that’s the point. I don’t WANT to find someone.
First off, bravo! This was amazingly well written and totally relatable. I’m practically in tears from laughing so hard.
I figured out that I’m Ace through fanfiction funnily enough, when I found one with an Ace character and just…everything made sense. I didn’t even know that asexuality was a thing, I just thought there was something wrong with me or that I was broken somehow. Came out to my friends and they were all cool with it. (And of course my sister told me “Oh honey, I figured that out a long time ago.” which, wow, would have been helpful to tell ME.)
I actually had a long talk over dinner once with friends where I asked them what sexual attraction felt like and they said it was sort of along the lines of having a really bad craving for a specific food, ha ha.
I’ve also had the experience multiple times of walking out of somewhere and having my friend turn to me to say “He was so hot!” and I’m like, “Wait what? Who? The cashier? Uh…he seemed nice I guess…”
Thank you so much for writing this. It really helped me figure things out. For a very long time I’ve had a certain nagging suspicion that something in regard to my libido was *off* somehow, and I decided to research asexuality to see if I could confirm this. It seems that I have. I’m only fifteen years old and always felt like maybe I was just developing more slowly than everyone else, but as I got older, I started to realize that wasn’t the case. I’m a hopeless romantic, and I understand why everyone seems to be obsessed with love, but I never really got the appeal of sex. While my friends were all talking about their crushes and their boyfriends, I just stared off into the distance until the topic was changed.
I will be eternally grateful for the existence of this article as it has really cleared up some of the confusion and self-doubt that has weighed on me quite heavily for a very long time. Upon reading some of the very gracious and sincere comments that have been left here, I feel I must ask for advice, because I have no other outlet in which to do so.
I confided in my best friend several times that I’d never been attracted to anyone, but she kept telling me that “maybe you just haven’t gotten there yet.” I told her that I’ve looked at certain people and thought, “gee, that person is attractive,” but never thought “I would like to have sex with that person” or actually felt any attraction. My friend’s repeated response to this was confusion; I tried to explain to her that there was a difference between thinking a person is attractive and actually being attracted to them, but she always disagreed.
She is still my best friend, and despite this particular argument, we get along just fine. But she talks constantly about her boyfriend and whenever I’ve tried, in recent months, to tell her that I think I might be asexual, she just shrugged it off and told me “nah, I’m sure you’re fine, you just have to wait a little bit.” It’s almost as if she doesn’t believe me. My parents both had similar reactions. I don’t know how to come out in a way that would convince them that this isn’t just me developing slowly or needing to “catch up.” I’m also terrified to come out to my brother, because several times in the past, he has expressed the view that no person on earth can be truly happy to their fullest potential unless they are in a romantic and sexual relationship of some kind. I feel that if I tried to tell him I’m asexual, he would either scoff and tell me I’m being ridiculous, be alarmed and frightened and start avoiding me, or bombard me with an endless stream of pity.
How can I explain my asexuality to my friends and family in terms that they’ll understand? How can I convince them that it’s not just a phase, but part of who I am?
Thank you for reading and listening to me ramble on. Please, could someone give me some advice? I feel really lost, not to mention ashamed and scared.
I completely understand what you are saying. I usually get the same reaction. Like I can’t really tell my dad because he doesn’t even believe gay people exist but my mom who I have told gives me the same reaction. She doesn’t say it but it’s like I can tell what she is thinking. I got the same reaction from my older sister who is similar to how your brother is I believe. Now she makes a joke out of it because before I told her she would call me a feminist lesbian but now that I have told her she likes to say something like I like plants or tree etc. ( but she’s pretty immature ) , the jokes didn’t get better but I just shrug it off. No one in my family is against sexuality outside of the normal.
I’m 15 also and I think that this is just something people won’t understand. I mean honestly I would not have know about it if I didn’t look it up. I kind of decided to just let it be and I am pretty open about it. I don’t know how it is where you are at ,but I have a good amount of homosexual or bisexual (a couple trans- gendered) students at my school so people are pretty okay with it (I don’t go around and tell everyone it’s more if asked or the situation needs it). I remember I was with a group of five others and they all are bi and one went “look at us good of bi people, wait are you straight gay what” and I told them and they said jokingly ” well your just going to be a virgin for life”. ( I thought it was funny)
I honestly think just be comfortable with it and it will work itself out. If you need a way to help describe it to someone just tell them “it’s like going to the kitchen and looking for a snack, but nothing really looks good.” I found that on another website.
(Sorry it was long hope I could help some)
I’m 15 and I honestly started looking up things like this since I started puberty at 12. A lot of this was right on the dot for me (only things that didn’t were the ones about already having sex before, since I haven’t). I remember at the beginning of school every year I would pick one boy and that was my crush that year. Now that I’m in high school and everyone is always talking about how someone else looks I would be confused and just nod my head. It got to the point that I looked up things like these and I would just think yet that’s me. Sex scenes don’t bother me though I kind of prefer them in somethings. To me it just gives a more realistic plot because as annoying as it can be sex is the norm and it’s a relatable subject to people. I’m not going against you just want to put my opinion out there.
yeah, I never have any idea if people are flirting with me or if I’m flirting either. One time I was apparently flirting with this girl on my soccer team and I had NO IDEA. I was just having fun and making jokes with her and teasing her at practice, but the next day she just shook her head at me and mouthed “NO”, and then we barely talked for the rest of the season and the next year and forever after (she went to my school). I was so confused, it literally took me 6 months to realize that she thought I was flirting with her, and by then it was waaaay too late to apologize.
I didn’t ever have problems like that. Like I would notice if someone would flirt with me but I just play oblivious until they stopped. If they straight out told me they liked me I would reject them but I would be left with thoughts like “why me?”. It wasn’t like I thought I wasn’t good enough it was more like I didn’t understand why this person was interested with something above friendship then thoughts like “aren’t we having a good time together” or “why do that” would come. I understand now but that as far as I really go with relationship. I have gone out with people but I w have always been the one to end it.
I just turned 20 and for the past 5 years I believed I was pansexual because I had no preference for any gender.. I lived on the quote “All about heart, not parts” and I still feel the same way till this day. I was everything pansexuality was, minus the sexual part of it. Now I ffeel at ease to know my true sexual orientation: Asexuality. Now the mission is finding someone else that feels the same way.
I feel the same way…
Same for me! For many years I believed I was bi/pan as I had crushes on both boys and girls. I thought that the reason for my lack of interest in sex was that I´m shy, introverted and I look so “innocent” that I think also for my friends is difficult to imagine me doing that stuff. I ended up having a boyfriend, someone I really loved, and having sex with him. I´m still not sure if I was sexually attracted to him, but if it was the case it has been the only person in my life. That´s why I think I´m demisexual. And this is what you need to know: sexual and romantic orientation can be different. I´m a pan-romantic demisexual and this means that:
-romantic orientation: I can have a crush and romantically love anyone regardless of the gender. Never find them “hot”, just “so cuute and sweet” or very beautiful, interesting, nice, smart and so on… anything related to sex.
-sexual orientation: I´m usually asexual but I may feel sexual attraction if I´m very close to that person (it could take weeks/months). This is demisexuality.
And then, if you want to “complete” the discovery about yourself, you have to consider that biological gender(1) may be different by the gender you feel inside (2) and by the one you express with your behaviour (3). For example I´m born female but sometimes I feel more like a boy and I usually dress in a neutral-masculine way.
I hope this helps! I think you are panromantic asexual :)
Hello. I have just finished reading your three posts, and how much I would like to say thank you.
I was not feeling bad for relating to quite a handful (if not most) to the points brought up in your different posts.
“Was that it ?”
I thought I was a tactless lady to have thought so after having sex for the first time of my life with a recently met friend of mine that I have absolutely no love interest in. I actually asked him, rather than any other guy I could have asked, to have sex with me out of the blue because he told me some time ago he loved me and also because my parents had to tell me “it was an occasion to try and figure it out” (doesn’t it smell of “Green Eggs and Ham”). I feel so relieved, to know I am not a completely wrong person for not finding the whole thing so thrilling.
The “cute” or “pretty” as well. When I was in high-school, I was finding “feminine-looking” boys very pretty. Attractive but, only for their beauty, like the sight of a beautiful landscape eases your soul. That same kind of attraction. But I was soon fooled to believe I loved one of these boys, probably because watching somebody with no other reason than because he is pretty to watch seems legit enough to be called love at that age. I remembered then, that several classes went to the cinema with the school to watch a movie together and that we could sit next to whomever we wanted to, and that I happened to be seated next to the boy. I think he kissed me at some point during the film. At that moment, I was puzzled on the reason why he would do so rather than enjoying the kiss at all.
I can even say now I feel lighthearted, like somebody came out to me to tell me “Here is every emotion or thought you have been having for the past few years, months or weeks of your life; yes precisely what you thought made you one serious crazy, unsettled girl out of her mind; well, you know what ? They are totally okay emotions or thoughts for you to have so be happy now and go run into flower fields without giving anymore damn to anything to cool off your head.”
I even managed to smile at some parts (like the metaphor with the cactus, was not hilarious but hey, I don’t care it made me laughed, so cheers). You presented the matter of asexuality in a factual way (practical, shall I say ? Pardon my English, my native tongue happens to be French) so that it somehow makes it something common, in a whole conform and real, not a peculiar creation of my own intricate reflection. When I felt depressed by the idea, a couple of hours ago, by convincing myself with prejudiced ideas alike with “I must be lacking something big for society”.
Reading your post had me realised that, whatever it is I can be lacking, it will not affect me any longer. I will still hope to find someone I will be able to love, without always thinking about sex as an obstacle on my path to living a fine, joyful life.
Wow these articles really helped me understand that I am asexual. I’m a bit young while trying to figure this all out, but this really helped me clean up my confusing thoughts and questions.
I really connected with the body just being some anatomy not really a sexual thing. Like people make a huge deal about body parts showing, but if everyone just started to never wear clothes I would think to much of it. While I know others see bodies as like sacred things that shouldn’t be to revealing, or should be saved for a special someone. I just think that’s strange.
Also, when I never felt any sexual attraction to anyone, boys or girls, I thought it will happen I just need to fine the right one, but now I know it won’t happen and I’m perfectly fine with that. But I do like the idea of just a romantic relationship with a boy or girl, it’s just sex just seems so unnecessary and I honestly don’t care for it.
I also just fine the use of the word sexy so bizarre.
Oh, and the part about enjoying masturbating I connected with, since I really just feel having a second person is unnecessary and I enjoy just taking care of myself.
And one last comment, It wasn’t on the list, but I do enjoy reading my fair share of fan-fiction with enjoy my favorite fictional characters going at it or just reading the fluffy things between them, but I never see or feel a need to want those things for myself. I am just okay with enjoying their relationships but don’t want it personally. If that make sense.
Well thank you for this awesome lesson! It really makes me more comfortable with understanding who I am.
Same here with the fanfiction and everthing else.
Hey just leaving a quick note to say I really appreciated this series of posts. Sometimes I can find myself questioning my identity – or, more likely having it questioned by disbelieving allosexual friends – over grey areas (you know, situations where it feels like I almost maybe could be interested in sex if I tried a bit harder to be).and it’s really great to see how other people experience things. Good work!
I read those 3 parts even when i am not asexual. I came across it just by coincident and read it out of being curious about sth. that in society is not really known, talked about and has actually no attention. I just wanted to tell you, that it is really interesting to read that and it broadened my mind. I heard the term “asexual” before but I could not really imagine what it means (what I probably still can not) but just thought that it must be somehow sad, not to be able to enjoy that (for me just GREAT) aspect of life. But now I feel like there is no reason to feel sorry for asexual people because…it seems it is no loss and also it doesn’t automatically mean that you can not have close realtionships with other people. I could even imagine that a sexual-asexual intimate relationship could work, if it takes place in a corresponding frame. I think it is sad, that in our society, romances are supposed to follow a special scheme and I think to know more about other ways of sexualities, also for “normal” (sorry for using that word here) orientated people can help, to develop more tolerance towards other ways of living a realtionship, which can also improve or help, to feel free to model a sexual relationship in a way that it fits to the involved people, instead of social norms. So…thanks for it :-)
I can’t tell if I’m asexual, and I know you guys can’t tell me that either, but I figure I’ll point some things out and see what some opinions are. I used to be all about sex when I was younger, I’d try to get women and flirt, but now I feel like I was just going through the motions, just doing what I was supposed to do or what my adolescent body wanted to do. I now look at sex and attraction as oxytocin and dopamine reactions in the brain, and have no desire to have a physical sexual partner. I do masturbate, but its all about the orgasm, the good feeling instead of imagining a girlfriend or wife, or boyfriend for that matter. When I’m on image sites I see naked women and porn of all kinds and get nothing off of those pictures. I guess the most important part is that I dont want to have sex with anyone, male or female, I do want to masturbate to orgasm, and I want to remain alone through life. I do believe in love, but only in other people, never myself. and of course love is just a chemical, flowing through the brain.
You might be someone who would qualify as a gray-asexual, or an aromantic allosexual (not asexual but “sexual”, desiring sex but just not the romantic-type of relationships), or yes you could be asexual now but you weren’t when you were younger and your sexual orientation perhaps changed, OR you were asexual all along. If you never felt sexual attraction but always had a “libido” or sex-drive then you can still qualify as asexual. Many people seem to prefer labeling themselves as on the gray-ace spectrum if they have some experiences in common with you. There are also sex-favorable aces (as opposed to sex-indifferent or sex-averse/repulsed aces). There is a huge asexual umbrella/spectrum, and only you can decide where you fit best. And there is also a romantic spectrum. It’s complicated and many categories can somewhat overlap with each other. You may be interested in reading this, about gray-asexuality: http://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/2012/08/08/many-ways-to-be-between/ and consider if you feel it applies to you. There are many possibilities and probably more that I didn’t mention. It’s fine to masturbate and be asexual. That means you have a sex drive but are asexual and experience no sexual attraction and that is a common experience. (It’s also fairly common to have no sex drive and be an asexual, a “non-libidoist if you will – both ways of being asexual are common.)
All this comes way to close for comfort. I’m 24 and I still go trough pains of thinking of excuses not to have sex with people who show interest and who I otherwise like. Its just to much like trying out a new recipe but all the cakes taste boring. The fact that I have had cruses on both man and women made me think I might be bisexual despite I’m clearly going for personality types, gender just doesn’t count as much if you don’t consider having sex with them from the very beginning. I guess this is something new to consider since I got here by just googeling the word after having read someones, much shorter but horribly accurate, description of the word. I guess it means that having normal relationships is not an option and not just me being a prude. (because I’m not a prude, I just don’t have a fav porn genre, it all looks so boring and damn was that thing spot on. I’m so glad I’m not the only who goes…. hehehe look at that, that jackson pollock painting in the background is upside down)
I think I consider myself a hetero-romantic asexual, but I’m not entirely certain. I’m a 19 year old girl, and I’ve had one relationship that lasted about a year before breaking off. It was long-distance; I was really in love with him, but I never fantasized about having sex with him the entire time. The most I’d imagine was cuddling/kissing. When he sent me a pic of his ‘parts’, my reaction was “Wow, so THAT’S what it looks like!”, but I wasn’t really aroused by it. I’m wondering if maybe I’d be more affected by it if it were in person?
I’m really worried because I want to have biological children one day by having sex, but that seems impossible if I can’t even get aroused. >_< I can't masturbate without feeling incredibly awkward, uncomfortable, and frustrated to the point where I give up and stop. And I think toys are a waste of money and time because I feel like they would never work for me. Thanks to the media; I feel it's absolutely necessary for couples to have sex in order to truly show their love for one-another, and if they don't then it's a sign of rejection. :(
As for sex in movies and stories? I really don't mind it there, as long as it makes sense for the characters to be doing it. I view it as character development, and I enjoy reading it. :3 I don't care for watching it though, or reading/watching oral sex. I find that really repulsive. D:
I apologize if this doesn't make any sense or looks messy; I have Asperger's and it makes it very difficult to convey my thoughts in an intellectual manner. ;_;
I’m really confused as to whether I could be asexual. I do find people hot or sexy, but I have no desire to have sex with them, just appreciate their beauty. I understand sexual situations and flirting, and I enjoy relationships, although kissing etc. doesn’t appeal to me. I masturbate, and I enjoy reading aout sex, but having sex with other people isn’t something I’m interested in, although I don’t think I would hate it, and would probably enjoy it. Could I be asexual?
I am very much the same! :)
I think you are and I are on the same spectrum. There’s something called Demisexual. You might want to look up on that:)
Thanks so much for posting this. I am still quite young, and coming out of puberty at the moment, and I have a boyfriend, but I have no interest in sex, it is odd because i like reading about it, and i have no issue with watching it (though i have never actually watched full on Porn so…) I recently had my first kiss, (I swear i am not as young as you think, i just have never had a crush on someone thus never dated thus never kissed) and all i could think afterwards was, ‘that tasted kind of gross’…i also find no images of “private areas” male or female, pleasing in any way. i do however find people (in at least underwear, preferably a bit more clothing) aesthetically pleasing, and will notice is someone is attractive, i also love cuddling. but that’s about it, i have tried masturbation but it never really worked either…being young i am not going to really make up my mind yet, i just wanted to thankyou as i am curious about the idea of asexuality as this post/blog/whatever has helped me to understand it and myself a little more.
Wow I completely relate to this, I could have written this comment myself. I feel less alone (:
I am in my teens and one of my friends recently came out as asexual. I believe I am too because I look at sex as messy, gross, confusing, unnecessary, and for me, just plain wrong. I am fine with other people doing it but I can’t even hold hands with someone romantically without getting the sweats. I’ve been kissed but I literally ran away right after the fact because I got so freaked out. Masturbation again seems foreign and plain wrong for me to even think about. It may seem like a really strong viewpoint however that’s just the way I feel about any ‘sexual’ activities. I’m fine with super close contact with people I know I’m platonic with but as soon as someone goes beyond that, I can’t take it. I don’t know if I need help or if other people feel this way too.
Oh my god…I just posted a super long post at the bottom of this page and I mentioned a lot of the same things. Granted I went into quite a bit of detail explaining my background of how I learned about sex and was exposed to sex etc, but I feel the same way you do. I kind of regret going into so much detail now…however, where I do feel the same as you where masturbation and sex seem wrong to me, yet it’s perfectly fine if others want to do it. I also find them gross and unnecessary like you said, but I feel like I have a slight fear of anything sexual just because of how wrong I feel about doing any sexual activities.
I read my way through these, and I think I can say with surety that I finally know what I am, as I can identify with almost all of these.
This is really well written, thank you for writing it. I feel like I identify with a lot of the ‘signs’ of being asexual. However, I have a few questions – I have never had sex and am on medication that is meant to decrease my libido, but am still worried I may be asexual. I was wondering if people who are asexual worry or care about their sexuality – do you wish you could enjoy sex and or are you content? Do you wish you could change? What I am trying to say is, I really want to be able to enjoy sex and get aroused and I envy all my friends who do – does this mean I am not asexual because I dream of enjoying sex?
I honestly think the idea of wanting to enjoy sex doesn’t define anything. I think it’s normal to want to feel like anyone else. Being asexual is just saying you are not sexually attracted to anyone (depending on what branch of asexuality you are under). Before I found out I was asexual, I would try to force myself to picture having sex with someone. Now that I have fully accepted myself I don’t anymore then a stray thought, made from habit. Then again it really could just be your medicine and if it really bothers you maybe talk to a doctor about it. I hoped that helps.
Thank you for telling me what a XONOX is, I was *this close* to googling it…
Interesting set of articles, too. I cracked up at the hypothetical “would you sleep with hot person x” scenario… I remember an awkward moment at work once when people were asking “would you have sex with (I can’t even remember who anymore) for a million dollars?” And I had to stop and think and everyone was like “dude! A million dollars! Wtf is wrong with you?” And although I sensibly replied with a comment on prostitution and my self-respect, I did wonder “I don’t know… What IS wrong with me? I would love a million dollars … I mean, hell yes! But… No”. (Also, Fringe is a really excellent tv show :-p )
After having struggled a lot in the past years, I am now wondering how is it possible that I never thought of it earlier. I mean, come on, it was always right there, but neither myself or anyone from my circles saw it. In the last year I’ve been complaining more and more about “not feeling attracted to anyone”, I even asked my friend for flirting lessons, I asked her to tell me when other people are flirting during social gatherings etc. Ridiculous. So after reading a series of blogs, posts, wikis and whatever I could find on asexuality, I found this one; have read it all going “yes, yes, so right, this is exactly it” etc, until the last bit, about the flirting, where I actually started crying. Not with sadness but relief. The “something’s wrong with me” now becomes ‘I got some reading to do’. Thank you!
This is the best of the three posts. I am an asexual. Not because I read it on the post, it’s because I do understand what you mean. I am sure, anyone who is not an asexual would go: “You’re crazy. No person can feel and think that way” And yet, it is what it is, and I feel like that.
I do use the term “hot” just as much as other people. But this article got me thinking, maybe other people use it with implication that they would like to “bone him/her”. Meanwhile I always use it along the line of “socially acknowledged/considered so beautiful that everybody can’t deny one’s beauty or one will still look good even when standing beside a celebrity”.
I am so glad I found this blog. I have only known the existence of asexuality for a few months, and I have thought of it seriously only for weeks, and it is quite confusing. I found this site while searching for answers about masturbation (I was wondering if wanting to masturbate made me sexual), and I actually read a LOT of articles, and I see a LOT clearer. So, yeah, thanks. These posts about signs of asexuality really opened my eyes, actually the first thing to call to me was “You don’t think about sex”. At first I thought “No, that’s not true, I think about sex.” But then the thing about thinking about it every 7 seconds came up and I thought… And I found that I was maybe thinking about it like, once a week ? Less ? Much, much less if you don’t include what I think about while masturbating. Anyway, I’m so thankful because as you said, I was always told that this was supposed to be my goal and so awesome and the best thing in life and it took me two years of research and the discovery of masturbation to see just the point of having sex. And even after, it never came to me that I would like to have sex. Or mostly by curiosity. Like, oh, I would like to try that, I wonder how it feels. So, I was lost, I was thinking that it was something I had to work on. Like I had to do more efforts, or overcome whatever made me… Well, not feel like the others. So coming across asexuality, and reading such precise things about it, with so many personal stories, it is so comforting. I am not broken, or even a bit damaged, it’s just how it is. Thinking back, maybe I should have thought about it when realising repeatedly over the years that spaceships were the thing that make me the most breathless. I often think of people as beautiful, gorgeous and all, but it’s just “Woah, you’re so pretty, we should totally hug. And kiss. And maybe even make out. Maybe.” And it’s so reassuring about the times where I had not quite sex (only foreplay), too. I remember feeling a bit bored, a bit “Yeah that’s kind of nice but that’s not going anywhere. I can do the same way more quickly and in a cleaner way by masturbating.” “Why are you doing that ? Is it supposed to be nice or great ?” “How is that giving pleasure to you ?” “How does it work ?” “Oh, that’s interesting, I didn’t know a penis could do that.” “Are we done soon ? I want to sleep.” So thanks a lot, it’s great to see that there is nothing wrong with me.
Oh my god does this post describe me. I am currently a freshman in college in my second ever relationship, and almost everything here described me. I never knew what exactly was going on with me when I came home after my 2nd date ever (and my first kiss) and just said, ‘it didn’t feel right. It felt weird. In a bad way.’
I think I may be an asexual. This is really really eye-opening for me, honestly. I never thought there were others who thought like me out in the world.
I just hope that when I eventually bring this up to my boyfriend he won’t freak out or say that I just don’t love him (in which case I’ll prolly dump him anyways bc what a douche, right?), and I hope when I bring this up to my mom and my sister they don’t say it’s just a phase and I’ll grow out of it.
Thank you for this series. I hope there will be a part 4.
So it’s 1:30 am and I’m going through this three part series…
I heard about demisexual via tumblr. For a while I really looked at it. Then I started learning more and more about asexuality and I’m starting to think that it fits. I mean, I am worried that will change because of my age, so that’s something that bothers me…but I feel like asexual describes me pretty well.
The two that really got me in this last one were the ones about not getting “hot” or “sexy” and the one about flirting.
I was talking to a friend the other day and she was talking about hot hockey players and I was trying to explain how I didn’t get it (I didn’t mention anything about asexuality though) but she was like “they’re just hot” and I have no idea how someone would come to that conclusion. Like, I acknowledge that people are good looking, I can tell that, and I can acknowledge when people…aren’t good looking, but other than that, I don’t really go along with “Cute” or any of those adjectives either.
And the flirting thing. I don’t get that. I was talking to that same friend about flirting. About how I didn’t get it. She’s just like “tell them they’re cute or that something they did was cute or funny that’s what flirting is.” I just…I’ll tell someone that I like their shoes or shirt or new haircut – guys and girls – on a daily basis. And there’s this one guy that I really don’t know about. I don’t “like like” him but I like him as a friend (there was a thing at an art camp this summer that I wasn’t at apparently my friends wormed information out of him blah blah blah) and I have to ask my self and make sure I’m not flirting. But the thing is, I don’t know if I am. I don’t know if I’m not.
Yes, I’d say I’m pretty oblivious. If anyone has ever tried flirting with me, not that I think anybody would, I am unaware of it. And I certainly don’t know if I am or not.
I don’t find conversations about sex all that interesting, personally, and I for one find sex scenes in books, movies, and TV shows to be more cringe-worthy than exciting. And of course I don’t initiate sex. I’ve never even been attracted enough to another human being to want to so much as date them, let alone start a relationship with someone and maybe get to the point where sex enters the equation as a display of out feelings for one another.
Other than that, the only other things that ring true for me, “You feel like sex comes naturally to everyone else, but you have to work at it” and “If given the hypothetical chance of a no-strings, no-regrets, no-consequences sexual encounter, you’d have to think about it”, there’s really nothing else I have to say. What you said about those two points are just how I feel about the whole thing.
I’m 17 and I still think that maybe I’m just a late bloomer but almost every description of asexuality seemed to describe how i feel. Especially the not interested in conversations about sex, or the sex scenes in books and movies, the not understanding the sex jokes, the lack of sexual dreams (I often dream about hugging people though) and why does one cannot live without sex. I do find people hot and sexy but I would never picture myself having sex with them, and it kinda grosses me out. Although it maybe because I’ve never tried it myself, like you said try it and maybe you’ll like it. However I’ve been thinking the other way: if I’m not interested in boys, it might mean that I’m gay, but my most (and only) sexual interaction was kissing a girl and I kept thinking about how weird it felt and wondering where were all the fireworks.
I read this post a few months ago thinking I was a lesbian, and left this post with an “oh, every one of those points… that’s not a shared experience..huh, okay, well, I guess I’m Ace. That’s cool.”
“I’d rather organize the books on the bookshelf by the authors date of birth.” Is the most accurate sentence I’ve read surrounding my sexuality ever.
I’ve always identified as queer and I’ve always enjoyed the idea of sex. In theory, from reading books and watching films and things, it seems great and I am capable of getting turned on (though masturbation gives me no real pleasure), finding girls hot, etc. (Though I do mercilessly skip straight sex scenes wherever possible and I hate porn). But in reality I’m not so sure where I lie. With both my ex-girlfriends, kissing has been nice but certainly not how everyone else describes it, and I’m not sure I’d be interested in more. Or at least, I don’t think sex would be all bad… But I think I’d rather cuddle up with them in front of a film and talk about silly things. So I’m really not sure where I lie- whether this makes me grey-ace or just means I have a low sex drive or even just that I’m a little intimidated by the intimacy of sex since I’ve always struggled with intimacy, particularly physical.
That’s totally me, Nel. I’m always up for a cuddle versus sex–I’m in a relationship with someone who definitely enjoys sex more than I ever will and sometimes I worry about that becoming an issue between us. I love the theory of it, I can get down with reading it and most sex scenes if the acting isn’t over the top and seems natural. Can even get ‘turned on’ by it but masturbation bores me/doesn’t really interest me. (I always wondered how it was for guys since they seem to get off easier than girls, for the longest time I thought I was just lazy about it or numb to pleasure.) No matter what though, the actual real life act never seems on par with my imagination, and I really don’t think I can ever openly say that to my boyfriend. Even if he understands I’m not as sexually charged as he is and he isn’t bad at it, he’d take it personally. I’d just rather have awesome cuddles.
This has helped me. I can relate to more than half of these three parts. I always felt something was “wrong” and I didn’t even consider being asexual until a month ago. I didn’t even know about asexuality until last year. My brother was talking to me because I had just dumped my boyfriend and he knew that our constant bickering was because he wanted more physical things than I was willing to do. You’ve helped me understand how I can be sure if I am or not. I’m 100% sure now, that I’ve always been asexual and just didn’t realize it. Especially since being anything but heterosexual isn’t acceptable to my father and mother. I feel… like everything makes sense now. I understand. And I feel so happy now.
This (all three articels) clearly describe me… Most of them. only 2-3 that dont fit me. I might be asexual then… But not only asexual. I think i might be aromantic too, since im not interested in dating or romantic activity too.
I found some people attractive and dont get easily turned on. Or thinking sex in them. I like the beauty in them
Thank you for posting these articels. I finally find who i am
You’ve never wanted to “jump someone’s bones”. You’ve never thought “I’d hit that”.= this is true
You don’t feel that anyone is “hot”. “Cute”, maybe, “pretty”, maybe, but not “hot”. = its weird for me. i use that to pretending i say that, i dont get what that means either. Hot or sexy never cross my mind. I usually use that word for aesthetics.
You thought that everyone else was just pretending to be interested in sex.= im into sex jokes and people tell me im pervert… im just pretending
You just pretended to be interested in sex. = yes yes yes. i even forced myself to experience sexual attraction like most girls, but it only bring me to stress now.
Sex is not love, love is not sex.= i dont get it. i always tought sex is scary thing because i’ve sexually abused on 11, and its nothing to do with love at all.
Conversations about sex aren’t interesting.
You often find sex scenes in books/TV/movies to be out of place or boring.= theres lot more than sex that can bring more money than that. I think most popular ones are without sex in it. It dont get me aroused. Its annoying. why always sex anyway? theres something more than sex… its boring.
Perhaps it’s a sense of “Ew, icky”, but it doesn’t have to be. More often, it’s a sense of “Why are they doing that? What’s the point? Get back to the story!”= lol i feel both of them. get married already. it waste of time
” Why am I even watching this?” = i regret it ….lel
You feel like sex comes naturally to everyone else, but you have to work at it.= well me..kinda forced me to feel attracted sexually but it brings me stress, not attraction.
“But for you, it’s something more like, “Well, I don’t know… It’s Friday. Fringe is on. I guess I could record it, but I was looking forward to watching it all day.”= i prefer watching cartoons all day..
You never initiate sex.
It’s not that you dislike sex. It’s not that your partner isn’t any good. It’s that you just never think about it. It’s never on your mind. So, as a result, you never think, “Hey, I’d like to have sex right now. I should go see if my partner is up for it.”= i never thnk about it too.
You don’t catch it when people are flirting, even when you’re the one doing the flirting.= i hate flirting… i dont get it at all lel
I actually thought reading this would confirm my thoughts on whether or not I’m asexual and I know you stated it’s not a checklist etc. I’m just so confused! (for reference to the rest of my comment I am a virgin and warning this will get very specific sexually in terms of what I’ve felt and what I’ve seen, but I just want to know why I am the way I am. Please have an open mind when reading this)
Here’s the thing, I don’t feel a desire to have sex at all, but I do feel attraction to men. Yes with celebrities sometimes the attraction comes right away from a pleasing face or muscular arms, but with everyone else in my life it comes from personality (if they make me laugh or are just so friendly and kind that they make me smile) or sometimes talent (I’m attracted to men who can sing), but I never have a desire to have sex. I never see myself wanting to ‘see what’s below the belt.’ However I have had sexual arousal and this is where my confusion sets in.
When I was younger (don’t remember how old but it was when I was first discovering the internet, born in ’94, 20 now soon to be 21) I found attraction to images on google. I used to be really into drawing, and my main reference was drawing images of anime girls I found online because I always thought the girls had really cute hair and outfits that were fun and challenging to draw. But I soon discovered more than I bargained for when I searched the images not knowing ‘safety search’ was off. I became addicted to looking up more images (but I always felt it was wrong, so I did it in secret and late at night so I wouldn’t get caught), but being female and only knowing the female body, I avoided anything with male characters penetrating females. All images I saw of the men were EXTREMELY violent and looked downright painful. Granted I know that anime isn’t afraid to push the boundaries and will explore ALL forms of sexual encounters in highly explicit/graphic ways), but I stuck with anime images because I was not ready to witness the real thing. In my mind if it was animated, it wasn’t necessarily real. This addiction lasted awhile but eventually I kicked the habit.
However things changed when I was maybe 13 or 14, I accidentally discovered TV porn. I always knew what it was, I didn’t live a sheltered life and my parents honestly never even discussed sex, maybe jokes every now and then but nothing serious, but I had never seen porn, let alone videos with actual movement, I had only seen the stationary google images I previously mentioned. Likewise with the internet searching, I kept the porn watching a secret. Watching late into the night, staying up til early morning hours, and making sure my volume was completely turned down. I was addicted and was even more aroused when there was a girl/girl scene or when the girl was on top with a man. But it still felt like I was doing something wrong every time I watched it.
I’m going to be 100% honest, and please don’t judge me, but I kind of avoid looking at penises, especially after the violent anime images I saw. This led me to only craving the girl/girl porn and still having an minor addiction today although it’s been awhile since I’ve seen any, I’ve told myself to stop. Now, I know what most of you are thinking, clearly I’m a lesbian right? But I don’t think I am. Yes, the girl/girl porn turned me on, but I NEVER imagined myself in the situation and didn’t want to either. I’m not physically attracted to females, it’s just like I said, penises scarred me and I was more comfortable looking at the naked female body instead.
It would seem like with all this porn watching that obviously I’m comfortable with nudity and maybe even desensitized to it. But I’m not. I get extremely nervous if I’m around other people and there’s either sexual talk, or discussion of human anatomy, or a nude scene in a movie, etc. I don’t think in perverted ways (i.e. my mind isn’t always ‘in the gutter’), I don’t talk about sex with friends because I seriously get uncomfortable. Whenever a conversation turns in that direction I panic and my heart races and my cheeks probably turn red, but I try my hardest to remain composed and feel like it’s nothing because I’m afraid my friends will discover this fear of sexuality I have. I think it’s the fact that everything I’ve known about sex has been on a screen, which sort of allows me to separate from real life even though it’s real people in the porn.
Now as mentioned in these posts, I have done my research and I’m constantly getting information on sex. People say that the reason people are so afraid of sex is because they’re not properly educated. However, even though I’m finding very informative videos discussing any and all possible sex topics, I find myself still feeling like ‘ew, no. I don’t want to do that,’ especially in terms of masturbation or oral sex, but even the idea of penetrative sex does not appeal to me. It’s as if being more informed is turning me off even more to the idea of sex. That’s where I feel that I’m possibly asexual. I experience arousal and I’m informed of sex, but I have no desire to participate. Granted I’ve never had a relationship with someone, but even when I’ve had romantic feelings or crushes on people, it’s never a desire to get closer and be physical, it’s more I dream about one day being closer friends and always wanting to be in each other’s company, and truly loving each other for everything except each other’s physical bodies. I want to connect emotionally, not physically. And in today’s society, everything seems overly sexualized and like it’s the only thing on everyone’s mind. If it doesn’t happen right away in a relationship it better happen soon or eventually, you know?
Yet I want to get married, and possibly have kids but how’s that going to happen if I’m too scared to even try sex? When I have no desire to have sex or like I said to even look at a freaking penis! I just don’t see the desire in the human body. Why does that have to happen to have a lasting and loving relationship? And yes I’ve heard the term ‘demi-sexual’ but does that really apply if you don’t even see yourself having sexual relations with someone you are attracted to or see as a good life partner? (by this I mean people that you grow to be familiar with, friends. Like I said earlier, people say it’s weird if imagined with strangers, but I still think it’s weird with people I know too).
I tell myself that maybe I’m just not mature enough yet. But if I’m nearly 21 and still not mature when would it actually happen? Everything I’ve explained here has been stressing me out through my entire teenage life up til now. I just want advice on to why I am this way and what’s wrong with me. Or even if there’s anyone even remotely similar to me. I know I’ve never had an actual relationship, but I just don’t think I want one. In my head any all relationships will eventually lead towards sex and I just have no desire to participate.
(for anyone wondering, no I’ve never had any sort of religious upbringing or strict parenting or anything like that which would make me think ‘sex is wrong,’ ‘sex is dirty,’ etc. I’m just a naturally strange and bizarre human being. And also, for the record. I don’t judge those who do have sex or enjoy sex. I don’t think they’re wrong for having sex. I just don’t want to do it, when I think ‘gross’ it’s the idea of me doing something sexual. It’s normal if other people are doing it and they like it and find it enjoyable but I get grossed out at the idea of actually imagining myself having sex with someone. Like it’s easier to handle watching sex rather than doing it if that makes sense.)
I think that I might have found a soul mate in you R. Like you I am a 20 years old and have absolutely no sexual interests in any way.
I first figured something was different when I was 12 and a group of other girls were talking about how attractive a new celebrities was and when they asked my opinion of him all I could say was that he looked like a girl. The conversation immediately got uncomfortably awkward and people got up and left. I learn to always steer away from that topic altogether. When I hit 16 a godsend happened and was diagnosed as having assbergers syndrome, a high functioning form of autism. I figured so that is why i am uninterested in people that way. But one day after meeting a fellow assbergers person she began to tell my about how much she wanted to kiss a fellow peer of her. I immediately had to begin reprocessing what was said. She liked a guy that way but was autistic, i didn’t like anyone that way but was autistic. Huh.
Like you i also found my way into anime and discovered that what attracted my to another person was not by their sexuality but by their personalities and emotion. I adored shows that put friendship above all else and have so far identified my self as a romantic asexual, while you seem to be Gray asexuality. As with everything there will always be sub categories that we fit more snugly into To learn more about the Gray area look up http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A_/_Grey-A
I hope to one day find myself an excepting partner and have a child. Realistically thinking I have been leaning on the side of adoption as I will still live the child the same. I know that I will have a ways to go with this goal as the combination of autism and asexuality have almost developed a phobia of people in general in me.
I wish you luck in your journey to fulfill a happy life and and a wonderful future in your journey of self satisfaction and understanding as I hope for my own.
R, you are likely Gray-A. I say this mainly based on this comment: “Here’s the thing, I don’t feel a desire to have sex at all, but I do feel attraction to men.” I’m the same way. My sexuality may have been able to develop into heteronormativity if I hadn’t had a number of regrettable experiences as a small child; be that as it may, I do occasionally (like, once a year) experience some form of attraction that I somewhat recognize as sexual. It usually passes quickly.I have had a few relationships, but pulled the panic cord as soon as my partners demanded sex/sexual attentions.
As to your options; there are a lot of asexuals who fall in love, get married, and put up with sex. If you really can’t stand the thought of sex no matter how much you love the person, there is always adoption. No one ever said you needed to have sex to have children. You seem to be struggling with recognizing yourself in the sexual spectrum–where you “fit,” so to speak. It’s not surprising that you find women easier to cope with, being a woman yourself.
I don’t think you’re immature, or that anything’s wrong with you. Here’s a link to some Gray-A material that may help you on your journey of self discovery. http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A_/_Grey-A
I wish you luck. Asexuals come in many flavors and are frequently misunderstood. Self-acceptance and understanding goes a long way toward feeling comfortable in your own skin.
Hey thanks so much for this website! I always thought I was weird and I never really got the whole “sex thing” so I just thought that I was, as you said, a failed straight person. But through the help of this and ALOT of thought I kind of came to terms with asexuality. So thank you!
I already knew I was asexual (specifically of the autochorissexual variety). A friend told me about this article so I read it. I plan to bookmark this to share with friends if they are ever curious. Thank you for a very well written article.
So… it actually is possible to be flirting without noticing? Because I once was told I had been acting in “some special way” while beeing around a guy, but didn’t really get what the person meant… in my opinion I wasn’t acting in any way at all, just standing around and thinking…
This article, especially the comments, has answered a lot of questions for me, but also left me with even more questions! I’ve always felt like everyone else is WAY more into sex than I am, and I almost always feel dysfunctional when in a relationship because I rarely care that much about sex. I’m not sex-averse at all, just mostly indifferent to it. If I’m with someone that I love, and they want to have sex, then ok, I’ll do it, but I never seek it out. I have enjoyed sex before, because it felt good, and it made me feel like the person I loved was showing me that they love me, but I think that last part was more due to society’s conditioning that sex=love, at least as far as women are concerned. I’ve gone years at a time without sex and had absolutely no desire to seek it out, and could never understand people who would complain after going for a month without it. I’m still not sure if I’m asexual, because it’s just not very clear-cut for me. I don’t want to claim a community that isn’t mine, but something about it speaks to me. I may be more gray-Ace, perhaps. It’s all just so confusing. I guess I’m just desperately looking for why I’ve always felt “off” when it comes to sex, why it always induces such anxiety in me before it happens. Even when I’m with someone I’m really into, I always get anxious beforehand and wonder if I can avoid it. There have been one or two people for whom my romantic feelings were strong enough that sexual attraction did develop, but even then, sex was never a priority or something I actively wanted to do all the time. Why can’t it just be simple?
I’ve got a few questions, if I may. What if you want to get married one day, but just for intelligence or manners? Like, there is no physical attraction at all. What does that make someone? I mean, marriage wouldn’t happen anyway as there’s not anyone I could trust, but still.
Because it’s annoying and frustrating and worrying to be stuck here. I’ve always just thought it was because I was more mature than my peers – I’ve always been that before – but now I’m past the point and still nothing’s there and it’s…..
No doubt you can get married still. There is nothing to describe such a thing you speak of. It is simply you.
I think there are a good deal of people who want to get married, and are interested in life’s other offerings, but they too believe, “How can there be other ones like me?”. It is quite surprising when opening the eyes and realizing there are others connected to you.
I think that if you get married and you are aware and conscious that there is no physical attraction, your partner should know about that, but there is no reason why you couldn’t be married for reasons other than that! Just because the standard definition, understanding of and reasons for marriage aren’t yours, doesn’t mean yours are wrong.
And I’m sure you will meet people that are trustworthy! Don’t give up :) It’ll happen for you, too. (I’m talking about people you can relate to and people you trust and are comfortable with and all that shizzle that everyone seems to have always had)
And yeah I get what you’re saying about being more mature, I used to think that too! Don’t apologize :)
I think I might be ace, but I’m into relationships with both sexes, as long as we aren’t actually having sex. My first and only boyfriend so far and I tried a few things together, I really liked him but I had absolutely no sexual feelings towards him. When I eventually told him that I didn’t want to go any further than what we had already done because I wasn’t okay with sex he broke up with me a week later. I like hugging people and holding their hands, but I’m repulsed by kissing. I’m fine with masturbating, but only to erotica, porn just turns me off… Sometimes if the erotica gets too non plausible it just makes me go from turned on to “how is that even possible?”. I don’t really care about aesthetics of a person when I’m trying to figure out who I like, but I can tell when a person is pretty or has nice muscles. I came out to my family as bisexual because I’m okay with having meaningful emotional connections with any gender, but now that I’ve read this I’m beginning to think I might be asexual biromantic or panromantic.
Thank you so much for these articles. They helped me a great deal, and I recognize myself in quite a few of these signs.
I’m 20 years old, and I have never felt attracted to any person, male or female. I can tell you who my friends will think hot or sexy, and I do find some people beautiful or handsome, but I just… I just don’t feel sexually attracted to people. When I use the words hot or sexy, it is just another way of saying that someone is aesthetically pleasing.
It took me ages to understand that when people say “I’d hit that” or “I want to have sex with this person because s/he looks hot” they actually mean that. I thought they were joking, or pretending. I literally cannot imagine thinking about it seriously.
When all my friends started talking about it, I just didn’t understand why it was so important to them. I thought I was just a late bloomer, especially since I did develope some, well, almost scientifical fascination with it, but I’ve just never been interested in trying it out myself. It was always something that was, I don’t know, detached from me as a person, if that makes sense.
Also, the not understanding when someone is flirting part? So me. Like, one hundred percent. Once, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to the cinema with him. He’s a nice guy, and we both don’t have that many friends, so I didn’t think anything of it when it was just us two. It was only when he insisted to pay for the tickets and the popcorn that I realized that he considered it a date. Up until that point I had not even thought about the possibility that he might be interested in me romantically. So, yeah.
Again, thank you so much for this series, and for all the comments. It’s really good to know that I’m not alone.
After reading through the three articles and all the comments, I feel like I’m home. I’ve always been so confused by my lack of interest in sex, as a teenager (I’m 18 now) I never knew what the big deal was with sex. I couldn’t understand why people did it, and I’ve always thought of it scientifically, like the mechanics of it. Sorry if I’m too detailed from here on out! When my girlfriends and I would be talking, and one of them would tell me about her experience with a guy, say oral sex, my only reaction would be “why bother? Jesus. You did what?” But I’d listen like a doctor would listen, but out of curiosity and mild discomfort on my part. I’ve always felt that people were pretending to be so eager, like it was a cool thing, much like smoking or drinking might seem “cool”. And the oversexualised media freaked me out. I always thought that maybe I’m just more mature than people about sex….It’s great being able to understand myself more. However, there are a few things that I’m still unsure of. I would identify as straight, because I know I’m definitely attracted to guys. But I’m so confused about sexual attraction, despite my hardest research I can’t comprehend it. Maybe this is the surest sign of my asexuality. But I could see a guy in town and think “damn, he’s good looking /hot”. I don’t know whether this would physical attraction or sexual attraction, I find muscles on a guy attractive, but I’m not sure whether I like the way they appear aesthetically, or if I’m sexually attracted to them. I’m a big romantic, I would love a romantic relationship but definitely 100% without the sex. However, because I’ve never had sex, I don’t know for sure if I won’t develop some sexual attraction for a long term partner. I’ve always used the word “hot” or “cute” to describe guys, but I’m now thinking my definition of those is different from other people’s. When I say hot, I mean the look of them is spot on, if that makes sense. I don’t really imagine anything happening when I see a hot person, just that they look amazing to me, or in some cases a talent of some sort would be attractive to me. I’m attracted, maybe romantically, but would never act on it, and I’m not really comfortable with direct approaches for relationships and flirting. As for masturbation, I really enjoy it because it feels good, I usually turn to porn or erotic stories to turn me on. I enjoy watching sex and don’t really mind sex scenes, but I don’t focus on the male or female body, and I can never put myself into those situations. Anything overly sexual makes me uncomfortable. I definitely feel that I fit in with the characteristics of asexuality, however I’m confused at what end of the spectrum I fall into.
I am so glad I stumbled across this. I’ve been alive for 22 years and never once have I understood this sex thing most people my age are obsessed with. In fact, it’s reduced me to tears more than once because I was so bloody confused about what was going on with me.
For a while I thought I might be gay because I’d never wanted sex with a guy, but the only time to date I’ve ever actually had sex it was the most awkward thing I’ve ever had to experience.
And to be honest, I still don’t know what’s going on. I find my self attracted to certain people, I can tell you what my ‘type’ is, but it has never been a sex thing. My friends keep telling me that I ‘haven’t met the right person yet’, and you know, they might be right. Who can tell?
Anyway, great series. Thanks for clearing the waters a little.
It is amazing to know I’m not the only one! I honestly thought there was something wrong with me, it’s good to know there’s more out there. As soon as I read the flirting one though, talk about a “OMG THAT IS SO ME” moment.
I’m almost afraid to admit that I’m asexual, but I think I am… With my first boyfriend he was always so annoying about having sex. Everyday he would beg me to have sex, and I would give in because I was so irritated by his pleads. He would get off, and I would be watching t.v. while he did his thing. Now with my current boyfriend, when we do have sex, which he always initiates, I do really enjoy it usually. He takes the time to make sure I get what I need out of it, and we have a strong emotional bond with the physical pleasure. Although, I never really think of sex, or crave it. I desperately wish I did crave it, but I just don’t. I’ve always thought it was a crazy low libido, but I masturbate every night so I wasn’t really satisfied with that explaination. Whenever my boyfriend asks if I want to have sex, I say yes, but my gut instinct is to pull away. Once we start it feels really good, but theres always that initial thought of, “but I’m watching t.v.”. This is kind of overwhelming to find out all this information in one night, and I wonder if I should tell my partner… I probably should, but I feel like it would be devastating for him…
I’m 16, and I’ve been relatively sheltered by my parents and by the situations I’m in. Sex isn’t necessarily a regular conversation topic, and I’m a virgin, but the drives have never come. I’ve never been turned on (I don’t think). I did porn just to see if it would work, and it didn’t. Zero interest. I looked up how to masturbate, tried it, and it made me feel like I needed to piss (is that what an orgasm feels like?). I do find boys/men “hot,” like their bodies are attractive, but I don’t want to have sex, I just want to cuddle and be held and hugged and kissed. I’ve never had a boyfriend (it was only very recently that I even developed serious interest in the idea), but I’ve seen enough that, at my age, I should be turned on. I’ve never fantasized about sex, just romance. Does it sound like I’m asexual, or have I not experienced enough to be able to tell? Am I too young to tell; do people ever develop sex drives older than 16?
It’s possible that you’re asexual, but not aromantic. Research it a bit.
I’ve been told that you should use the word ‘asexual’ to describe your sexual orientation for as long as it seems to fit. So I say: if you identify as an asexual now, regardless of any future sexual interest that may or may not evolve, call yourself asexual.
I think that sexual interest and attraction comes with puberty…
Then again, I wouldn’t know.
Hope I helped :)
I feel the same way (and I’ll be 16 in a month or so) as you do. I considered myself bisexual for the longest time because of how I’d admire both men’s and women’s bodies, but like you, I’ve never been sexually attracted to them.
This is very, enlightening. This will be from the other side of most of your comments but I’m giving it a shot. My newlywed (1.5 year) daughter is experiencing A LOT of this with her husband. They are both young (mid 20’s). She’s pushing for counseling. He’s embarrassed (I think) and trying many other ways to “fix” things because he is deeply in love with her and she is with him. She feels unwanted, depressed and undesirable. So…First, (I’m sorry if this is ignorant, but I’m new to this) is it possible to change this ie: can an Asexual become interested in sex? To the point of being the initiator? Second, what can she do (they are committed to each other and divorce is not an option) for herself to feel less unwanted? Third, how best can I encourage her? – He doesn’t know I know–
Asexuality is an orientation, it really can’t be “fixed” because there’s nothing wrong- it’s just the way he is! But, there are plenty of asexuals who have sex with their partners because it feels good or to make their partner happy, have children, etc. Your daughter needs to know it is NOT her fault, her husband just probably never thinks about sex but maybe he would do it for her if she wanted. Maybe they could have date nights or a schedule? It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her, he would be the same way with anyone else if he’s asexual. He probably loves her deeply for the person she is and shows it in other ways, he just may not care about sex. Be aware, there are asexuals who are still willing to have sex (although they may never initiate it) all the way to sex-averse asexuals who are disgusted by it. Also your son in law might not even know he is “asexual”. Many asexuals are married and even have kids with their partners, so its just another issue that needs to be negotiated between the two of them. I would suggest your daughter do more research on asexuality, and then bring it up to him that this might apply to him. Then they could read through the research together from there. aven.org is a good resource for information as well as this site. If your son in law doesn’t know he is asexual he might need time to come to terms with it himself before he can work on it with his wife. But this is something they need to deal with together, it is difficult but possible to come to some arrangement between the two of them. They both have to discuss this together, openly, and be very clear about what each of them needs and is willing to do. As an asexual myself, I can say it’s not something to “fix”, it’s just the way he is. I am 43 years old and I’ve never felt sexual interest in anyone, so I’m pretty sure this is just the way I’m made. In my younger years I tried once or twice to “fake” interest in people but it only brought me stress and more confusion, and made me feel like a “defective” human. I am also clueless about flirting or recognizing other peoples’ interest in me and always have been- until someone else happens to bring it up. The it always takes me by surprise! If she wants to have sexual contact with him (and he’s not sex-repulsed) she’ll probably have to be very direct and ask him specifically for it, an asexual will probably miss the cues and not realize it if she’s trying to “seduce” him. Good luck, I hope they can work things out.
Oops- i meant to post the link to AVEN- which is asexuality.org.
Thanks for your list, it’s helpful and quite thought provoking for me.
You see ever since I was really young I was definitely in the: “You don’t feel that anyone is “hot”. “Cute”, maybe, “pretty”, maybe, but not “hot”.” category.
I remember my friends would ask me once a month whether I was ‘gay or straight’ as a running joke and I would always say I don’t know and wonder how people figured it out.
In the end I decided I was straight because I didn’t feel like a lesbian.
I like looking at pretty women and men like how you’d look at a pretty painting or something but it’s really REALLY rare that I (think) I feel anything more.
When I went to University I started the “You just pretend” part, but more for pretending to find people hot, I am actually interested in sex and liked kissing people in clubs which makes me think that I may not be exactly asexual.
I had a boyfriend for about half a year and I really liked his personality, I was even okay with kissing him to start with and felt very excited about it all. But then he kept trying to get me to stay the night with him.
We never did anything much, just slept in the same bed but I found I couldn’t sleep when he touched me and started to dread it when he asked for a good night’s kiss. I started to hate the smell of him and dread his texts or calls.
I started to think I should end it but then he started talking about how he loved me and that made me feel really bad because I felt they way I did and it was so late to tell him all this.
In the end he realised something was off and confronted me and I told him that I thought I could be asexual.
He was understanding at first until I revealed that I wasn’t comefortable in being a relationship until I figured this out.
Then he got angry and told me I was lying about my sexuality to dump him, pretending I was asexual just so I wouldn’t admit I didn’t find him attractive.
But this same bloody thing has happened with every guy I’ve dated. He was just the only one to last more than a month.
I actually have much more attraction to strangers than people I date, who in the end I much rather be friends with, I don’t know if I’m just being odd or if there’s some reason for this but in all I am one confused commenter x
A lot of these points are so much like me. Especially the thing about porn, haha. I never understood how anyone could enjoy it when it’s so terribly produced. I have a hard time believing that’s unique to asexuals. It’s just… it’s so bad. It’s so bad.
I’m still confused about whether I’m asexual. Like it seems to fit? Kind of? I guess what throws me off is that I do really appreciate beauty, so I’ve always been okay having conversations with my friends about which guys are “hot.” It rarely strayed into territory I couldn’t relate to in some way. But I’ve realized that I appreciate a guy/girl’s beauty nearly the same way I appreciate nature’s beauty. I want to get closer, I want to have time to appreciate it, but I don’t think there is a sexual aspect to it, not for me. I tried fantasizing about someone and just immediately felt so… wrong. Can’t do it.
Plus I do still enjoy reading erotica. Most of what I like doesn’t even turn me on, there’s just something interesting about sex even though I have no desire to participate. And some of it does, but when it does, it’s entirely due to the situation, to certain concepts, and the people involved don’t matter at all. I don’t know if that’s how people usually see it?
Ugh. It’s confusing.
Sex IS a fascinating! I love reading and learning about it! The cultural and the social. You can spend forever talking about the history of it. And at the same time you can watch a beautiful man or a handsome woman and watch in awe as they do whatever they do and non-stop think of how gorgeous they are and how well they look doing whatever they are doing. My friends laugh at me when they say want to look at hot guys and talk about it and I refer to it as “bird watching”. Because it is like looking at nature. You find a gem and you just want to internalize their beauty and elegance, but you never fantasize about them.
In my mid-20s, I decided I must be a lesbian because I didn’t fancy men, and I started going to a lesbian support group. I remember one day we were talking about sex, and I asked the group leaders, “But what do you actually DO?”
They said, “You’ll know. When the time comes, and you’re in bed together, you’ll know exactly what to do.” I had an image of myself standing at the bedroom doorway, looking at a vision of female beauty lying there naked, and was excited at the prospect of knowing exactly what to do.
Of course, I didn’t. I felt more like a deer in the headlights. Fifteen years later, I realised I was asexual, and those memories came back to me. I should have known right then!
I found this article yesterday and am overwhelmed by the emotions it brought. I can relate with about 90% of what you wrote. I found myself saying yes, Yes, YES! I’ve never heard of asexuality or any of the other definitions. This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I really thought something was wrong with me. I’m married and have been with my husband for almost 10 years. My lack of sexual need almost broke us up early on and although he is very patient and understanding, it is still something we argue about. I’ve found myself feeling defeated in these arguments saying I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And I just wanted you to know that it was a huge relief to see that there are other people like me. I don’t know if I’m asexual or gray, because honestly all the terms are new and a little overwhelming, but I’m definitely asexual-ish. I personally do not need a label, I just really needed to hear that I’m not a freak or that somethings not wrong with me. So, Thank you for posting this article!!!!
Well, I’m wryting because… I’m a bit confused with myself, I mean:
I can feel aroused from reading or waching someting sexual, but I don’t masturvate, it’s impossible!!! And the other day, someone (who I like) kissed me, but it was… repulsive. He kissed me and then fleed (because in one second he was ten meters far away) and I was “Ewwwww…! What…?” and I could not (gulp? Sorry, english is not my first language), well, I couldn’t pull my saliba down my troat (if it makes some sense?), when I arrived home I inmediately went to the shower and I put all my clotes to washing.
I don’t exactly know if it’s signal of being asexual, but for me it’s odd, I mean… I like that boy, he is the person with who I feel more confortable! But physical interaction is just disturving and disgusting, I shiver when I tink about it!
So someone, it’s asexuality or my body just reacts weirdly?
My advice is to do more research, maybe experiment a bit, and determine if you identify as asexual. No one can tell you… Sorry I’m not much help. From what you commented combined with my research, I think you might be asexual, yes.
No, tanks a lot. Maybe it is that, just that I don’t feel atracted for anyone I know personally… Maybe it’s a bit dificult for me? No idea, with time I eill see I gues, thanks.
I suppose like everything else, there’s a range of asexuality. I’ve long jokingly identified as asexual since I was in the 5th grade way back when it was 2010 when I learned about asexual reproduction-yeah strawberries and sponges! Friends all laughed saying “Fin, you’re a plant.”. It was a grand time when people were talking about how Orlando Bloom was the hottest and sexiest man alive next to Cloud and Sesshomaru. Only within these past 5 years I’ve noticed how quickly sexual orientation labels have popped up and gained popularity with identifiers like “Gender fluid vs Gender queer and pansexual vs demisexual etc and my brain is not within the trending realm of understanding all these differences.
As for me, I have zero interest in the actual ACT of sex for MYSELF. I don’t find the appeal for most of the celebrities that people find sexy and hot, I reserve those two words for very select people who I do find exceptionally visually or intellectually appealing. Though I do find myself using words like “Gorgeous and handsome” more than my peers- they think its weird that I use different words? HA HA! I do think of sex, I do masterbate, but when people start talking about their sexual encounters it has always been a “euhg….can we talk about something else? How many times can you describe about X position you took in X place?” or when people pose the question of “Do you think so and so would give good sex” It’s always been “….I don’t know!” or “Would you bang X” and the general response has always been, “Why?” with the retort of “Because they’re hot.”
But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy reading sex stories or watching riveting sexy movies, or have my own personal fetishes. But it’s all mental for me, the mental build up, the fantasy, the details of where fingers and lips touch and caress etc. I can easily watch a good porno with one of my friends who is sexually active and come to the same conclusion of “That….was hot.” and be hot and bothered. And while they spring off to find their boyfriend, I’ll go find my good PJs bury deep in to the sheets and make myself sexy.
Interest in relationship? Not really, I’m good being by myself, or there will be days where I wish I had a partner I could be intimate with, but not sexually intimate if that makes any sense whatsoever. People call me a hypocrite or that I’m not an asexual. But the same as a gay person knows they are attracted to the same sex/gender, I knew from a long time ago, the actual act of sex has no appeal to me, but I love the fantasy and innuendos of it. So the raw and no story pornos are harbor a grade lower than negative. And a beautiful man and a handsome woman in a red scarf, are equally worthy of my time of awkwardly staring at them and wishing I could immortalize their image in a romanticized sketch or thinking of how how they would respond to this or that question or hold their cup of tea or how they smile to the person they adore most or how they push their glasses or tuck their hair or what their voice sounds like etc. Do I imagine having sex with them? No. That’s just weird.
Ok so I’m totes relieved to hear thiers a name for what I have.Always been friends and relate to men sports cars I even think like them. Some call me a flirt tease but I’m not flirting and I seldom recogni.ze the mating rituals so to speak. I see people as people I know there men I know there women but I don’t look at them as my next tasty dish …..I look at thier style thier manners thier occupations thier lifestyles and there eyes .I find I intimidate most people cause I can read them……some even hate me cause they say I invade thier space and privacy……cause I can tell when someone’s lying or manipulitive…..I have recently learned why most men don’t like me cause men don’t like to be in the friend zone…..but I got tired of having sex with men just to get them to like me or because it’s the way it should be…..most of them go play sports or hunting and never invite me but don’t hesitate to ask me to fix them all sandwiches or go to the beer store…..one man in my life knew this about me…..my dad said girls don’t play sports or go hunting fishing or camping it’s thier job to tend to the family…..I was in band but told I couldn’t go to college I tried to go to military and modeling school only to be told no…..so I went to work with my mom ended up married I wentbrebel got into motorcycles and living a double life as my dad was a minister but my private life was very dark and shady always putting on a smile for thier friends and collegues…..I wonder are any of you from pastorsvfamilies or sexually abused or neglected as children……I am not attracted to women and I think the man’s naked physic is repulsive but I’m not repulsed by sex with men I just don’t think about it……I’ve been told I emasculate men…..but I really don’t mean to…..
I can’t tell you how relieved I was when I stumbled upon this post. It has helped me so much and now I don’t feel like I have a screw loose somewhere. I wholly appreciate what you’ve done and I am thankful for you taking the time and effort to write these articles. Thank you so much.
I know this was posted a long time ago, but I am 18 and heard about asexuality in my psych class. The things my professor said on the subject described me perfectly so I thought I would do some research on the subject. There were so many moments in this article where I had to sit back and think, “is this guy reading my mind?”. I have been really frustrated the past couple of years because I thought there was something wrong with me. When I read the part about feeling the same way about sex as science I very loudly said, “Yes! This is so me!”. That is the only reason I have ever thought about sex. I just want to know what it is like and explore why people might like it. I get weird looks from a lot of people when they find out I am an 18-year-old virgin and I really don’t care. I do however enjoy cuddling. I like feeling safe and warm with someone. I also like the idea of going on dates with someone or just spending time with them. I would even like to get married one day but only because I like being around people. Thank you so much for posting this. It gave me a little more insight on the subject.
Yeah, can you be asexual in the begging but get some attraction later? Because of religious beliefs I didn’t find it appropriate to think like that of women (I was also afraid they’d think I’m rude) and that only older people do that while married or dating. But only if they’ve dated long. Also, even after finding myself in some of your scenarios, I don’t think I’m asexual. Could be that my ocd is making me think so or about it. :P
I’m afraid of what’s gonna happen in the end because of my need to be a people and surroundings pleaser. Help?
Kind of suspecting myself right now for being asexual, I can and do find people appealing but its more of a yes you have an exeptional set of physical ratios that fall within the range of “handsome” but as for all out OMG I must have you in every physically possible position, not so much. Of course it might just be that getting turned on for me is like being in a cockpit full of levers and shit with no clue what the hell any of them do.
I’ve never felt like I wanted to have sex, it just doesn’t appeal to me, I’m always much more ready to snuggle. I’m also on the aromantic spectrum, however, so what messes me up is this: I am distinctly more attracted to women, I don’t want to have sex with them, but I can see why someone would, and in platonic physical things (cuddling, hugging) I only really want to do them with other women. It’s this preference that makes it hard for me to stop worrying about my sexual orientation.
Yes, I feel the same way! I feel like the worrying is the most annoying part. I’m afraid of coming out as asexual and then two minutes later discovering that I’m not, or something, and feeling stupid/dishonest.
I do like all the descriptions here, though, because the word “asexual” can be misleading if you don’t understand how it’s being used in current discourse. I always thought there was no way I could be asexual because I can get sexually aroused and enjoy it, but only by fantasies of made-up characters who aren’t me/people I know. I figured I was just shy and repressed, but every time I “put myself out there” and tried to meet people, I ended up feeling awkward and put off, not excited and happy. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been closeted because I was asexual, not the other way around.
Exactly, I’m scared I will discover some new orientation or suddenly be attracted to someone new and that’s why I can’t really “come out”. It’s a very weird feeling, because I learned recently that kissing is something that appeals to people. I brought it up with friends the other day, and it had never ocurred to me that people want to kiss. It just seems gross and disgusting to me. I can see why people want to kiss women and have sex with them, but I’ve never wanted to. It’s such a strange limbo, to be attracted to women but not sexually or romantically.
I’m planning, now that I’ve found all this info and really seen how it relates to me, to just “try on” the orientation label and see how it feels. I did something similar with other possibilities (gay, bi) and it didn’t feel authentic…plus it actually made people *more* likely to see me as a potential partner, which I didn’t want. It just took a while to realize I didn’t want it *at all,* not just right then. I don’t know if that’s a forever thing, but for me it’s lasted since puberty and that was 20 years ago. I think I can give it a try, and if it doesn’t seem accurate, adjust. That’s how judgments and hypotheses usually work, right?
I’ve always thought of myself as bisexual – always thought, “oh, she’s pretty,” and “he’s cute,” but I really do relate to not being sexually attracted to them. Someone mentioned how they thought I was asexual to a friend of mine, which got me thinking: am I actually asexual? I’ve read so many stories, but when the dirty goes down, I don’t feel into it. Instead, I usually squirm because there is no way I can relate. I’ve never understood sex – what’s the point? So thank you for opening my eyes because this article describes me so well.
I had the same thing happen–a friend hearing me describe my orientation worries and saying, “It sounds to me like you’re a-sexual,” which I’d never even considered. Except I was sure she must be wrong and took forever to really see how it applied to me. I had described myself in almost exactly the terms I’m now seeing on all these websites: “I had these intense feelings for person X and thought I must have a crush on him, but didn’t want to do anything…TBH there’s nobody I can actually say I’ve ever wanted to have sex with.” I’ve said that several times when people actually ask me how I feel about this stuff, even though when I go around and around in my head I always forget that and concentrate on the genders of people I’ve felt drawn to emotionally. It’s confusing…but I think my words are probably a better representation than my obsessive thoughts.
Whoops, sorry for the poor italics. Only the “a” (in asexual) and “do” (anything) were supposed to be italicized.
I can’t really do the whole “This happened to me in my relationship” story, because I’ve never been in one. Heck, I’ve never even had a crush, much less said yes when someone asked me out. I don’t want sex, a don’t even want a relationship. But I don’t want to be lonely either…
I feel the same way. I realized I was asexual about a year ago (maybe? my chronological memory is terrible), in my first year of college, around the same time my introvert side came out in full force. College is too busy for me to make time for anyone and vice versa, but I somehow don’t feel like I’m missing out even when I spend all my time alone. On the other hand… I don’t want to be friendless… I’ve tried to compensate by being in a club and attending church, and visiting chat forums for games I play, but it isn’t the same as when I was back home and set aside time during the week to be with my friend (yeah, singular).
I have this friend who is a girl, and kids used to joke that we should go out in middle school, but we always brushed them off. After a while, we weren’t able to hang out as much, and I started thinking that because I wanted to be around her more, I might be ‘interested’. I think I just wanted company and didn’t have anyone to be around. It’s hard being antisocial, but still wanting to be near the people I like, because too often they want to go be with their more active friends.
I am also really glad this site exists, it was really helpful to me, and helped me explain to myself how I felt. I hadn’t considered the possibility before, thinking that I wasn’t interested in relationships just because of my aforementioned introversion. I basically used it as an excuse for not understanding what everyone else was talking about either, when it came to sex, and related topics. I was just out of the loop, it seemed. I was also confused by arousal, for a while. By now I’ve realized it comes and goes almost at a whim, and has nothing to do with whether I’m attracted to someone or not. Short answer, I’ve never wanted to be intimate with anyone, and as long as I can remember, all of my ‘sexy’ dreams that actually involved sex were nightmares.
My parents seem to think I might eventually find that special someone, but I doubt it.
I messed up a little there, the friend I spent time with regularly wasn’t the girl friend I mentioned. I do have more than one friend…. it’s just that there’s only one I actually make time for anymore.
I finished reading this three part series and I have to say, this describes me to a T. I have never been appealed to sex and I can’t stand sex scenes in anything. I don’t think of sex at all and I have to force myself to have sexual attraction since my family were all (and some still are) obsessed with sex or they were before they settled in a family. The one thing that has been bugging me though is that while I have never felt any sexual interest in anyone of any gender nor do I even like sex in general, I feel like I love someone but I don’t think about having sex with this person. I think about being together and holding each other, doing these fun festivities yet never having sex. She has been there for me for many years and I clearly feel like I want to be in a relationship but I am don’t have any sexual feelings.
In other words, is it weird to want to be in a relationship with this person despite not having any sexual feelings?
Not at all. But depending on how her libido looks like, you have to talk and come to agreements about it. You know, communication. ;P But not weird, at all. ^^
I think I may be asexual (32/F/never been kissed). I’ve been hit on by people and found it extremely offputting. As a kid I assumed I was gay because I was “attracted” to female cartoon characters and liked the idea of being a lesbian (didn’t care about sex or romance with boys), but in terms of actually wanting to be with a real, live woman…it’s kind of a weird idea, to be honest, though I’d probably want to give it a try for science and see if I liked it. I do get intense nonsexual crushes on both/all sexes, and especially on people who present as queer in some way, but I still don’t know whether anything I feel for them really counts as attraction. I do recognize when I find someone my version of “attractive,” but don’t know where it falls on the spectrum of a/sexual feelings. Naked men look silly and naked women look objectified so often that it’s hard to feel anything but identification, though sometimes I do like to look at female nudes for pleasure (it’s not usually what gets me off and took me a while even to remember that sometimes I do enjoy it). Mostly I have a fantasy sex life involving made-up characters who aren’t me, and I feel awkward whenever those people resemble too closely anyone I know in real life (though sometimes they do, especially if I’ve formed a crush on that person). I can get physically turned on by sensual touch but don’t like it/find it invasive or distracting. I have a highish libido half the month and the other half not much at all. I have no problem with the idea of going without sex forever, except this vague suspicion that I’m missing out and would like it if I met the right person (probably female) and we loved each other.
I guess if I had to pick a descriptor, I’d go with gray ace, only because there are so many “sexual” feelings I have that fall short of actual desire, and I haven’t ruled out the possibility of desire for someone I feel close to. I could be demi as well, I guess. So somewhere around there. But still, sex is awkward and I don’t get why everyone is so obsessed with it.
Also–looking at other sites, it sounds like what I feel for women is mostly “sensual attraction,” while I can feel “emotional” or “intellectual” attraction for anyone, with varying levels of intensity. I still don’t like the idea of actually getting it on with anyone, though I see why other people find it hot and don’t have any trouble imagining how enjoyable it would be (for them).
I’ll admit, I wasn’t very sure if I really was asexual, but after reading these articles, I’m pretty certain. I was once asked (in high school) at what age I think I’d like to lose my virginity and I just kinda shrugged and answered ‘I don’t know, at thirty? I don’t really care…’ And these things, like I’d always look at someone and yeah, I can see they look good, like their features are nice, he has pretty eyes, she’s got great hair… I used to think I was bisexual for a time, because I felt kinda the same attraction to everyone, but lately I’ve been starting to realize it’s because there’s basically no attraction to either sex.
And the anatomy classes, everyone always blushing and giggling and I’m just there looking at the pictures thinking – is that really that embarassing? It’s basically the same thing as looking at a picture of stomach or something… Some of my friends actually kinda forced me to watch porn once, and I remember just going ‘really? that’s interesting to you guys?’
So, yeah, I guess I’m asexual. Well, at least now I have something to tell them, when they ask if I think someone is hot, I suppose…
Also, I’ve been referred to as ‘character-sexual’ as in, I can be attracted to a fictional character or something someone pretends to be… And it can have something to do with the looks of a person, but more of how the look fits the personality…
I,too, was always confused by these things. when my friends started talking about boys I redirected or just listened because I had nothing to say. I too,thought that would come with time (I still hope it might). when it didn´t I started actively serching for answers. I tried to look at my classmates that way.
At that time i went to an all-girls gymnasium. I saw them in their Underwear when we changed for PE and I knew that THAT girl was pretty or THAT girl has nice curves, but there was no atraction so I labeld myself not gay.(I am quite ashamed to admit that I was actually a little reliefed by that in the beginning)
And that was it for some time untill i noticed(read:someone pointed out to me) that I dont really care about men either.(They also never talked about asexuality in school (just being gay/lesbian/straight) so I had no Idea that that was even a thing.)
So maybe,I thought, I am one of these people who are bi or just dont care about gender? And the rest will come once I meet THE ONE, right?
Then I started University. I meet this sweet guy who asked me out (he actually had to spell it out to me that he was interessted because aparrently I kept missing his hints) and we got together.We decidet to take it slow and all was well.
And that is the problem-point at which I am now. We arrived at that point in the relationship where you get closer physicaly and I just … cant. I try to explain that I just dont want to, that touching me down there is just uncomfortable but he doesn´t understand. He told me that he feels rejected and says that its just because I´m a timid person, that im afraid and once that fear is gone it will be nice.
Maybe I am? i dont know, im so confused ´cause I should want this, right?
At the moment im just forcing myself to touch and let myself be touched because I dont want to hurt him,and hope that someway something might change.
I dont even want to stay overnight anymore because of that.
So if someone has experienced that kind of thing and maybe has some advice to share I would be most gratefull. I´m not sure what to do right now.
I really relate to what you’re going through.
All through my teenage years I assumed I was straight by default. It was only at University that I tried dating and very unsuccessfully. I could only enjoy kissing when drunk and every guy I dated would only last three dates at most before I scarpered. Then I met this guy who was really funny and nice and decided to start dating him. Like with you, it was nice at the beginning when everything was going slow and we just hung out. Then he wanted me to stay the night and I felt really uncomfortable. I didn’t tell him because I thought it would be mean and also I thought that I was supposed to want things like that.
We just slept together though, no sex or anything like that (I think he could tell I wasn’t ready). I still couldn’t sleep next to him though and hated the constant contact. I actually started to dislike his smell and couldn’t stand to be around him for too long which made me feel horrible because I did actually like him.
It took a friend’s advice for me to realise that perhaps I was asexual or aromantic.
In the end I decided to tell him and to stop the relationship, I felt like it wasn’t fair to him. He didn’t take it well and told me I was lying.
I think most of his anger was at the fact I was breaking up with him though, which was shitty of me but at that point I had bottled all this up for so long that I felt like I had to get out.
I’d say try not to let it get to that point and make sure he understands what you’re thinking, write it in a letter if you think he won’t listen.
If he keeps trying to convince you to do this against your wishes, I’d think long and hard on whether you want this man in your life.
Whatever you do, make sure you’re happy.
I just kept trying to plough on, ignoring the warning signs, until it ruined what I had for me.
Hello! I am in my teenage years (17) and when I think about the fact that I could be asexual, I’m like “Hm, maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe it’s just because I’m in puberty and that stuff … maybe sex will be a thing later in my life.”
That’s because I never really told anyone. And I’m totally not sure, that’s because I searched an article like that haha.
And I think I found what describes my feelings at the moment.
I the thought of having sex just disgusts me at some point and when I have a crush I just imagine myself hanging with them, experience nice things like travelling.
Thanks for that article, I think it helped me figuring things out a bit better. :)
I’m just now figuring out that I am asexual. I haven’t talked with my family or friends about it yet, but I know how they would respond. People often use the word asexual as a joke around me. And now I’m figuring out that its not a joke and that it applies to me. I never understood why I didn’t want to have sex. I just thought I wasn’t ready or something. The older I’m getting I’ve just been wondering, when will I feel it? My friends have all done it and talk about how irresistible the urge is and I’m just like… What? I don’t have that. I was in a realationship before and it ended really badly because I didn’t want to have sex with him.. I was eighteen at the time and would just keep telling him I wasnt ready as an excuse. I loved him but i wasnt sexually attracted to him and i really didnt want to have sex with him. This led to him having low self esteem and the relationship turning abusive. I wish I had known about asexuality then. So asexuals should definitely be careful if trying to have a relationship with a sexual person. Make sure they understand the circumstances before entering the relationship to ensure their sanity and your safety.
As a young teen, I was very confused about my sexual orientation, thank you very much, this clears up my life a ton. Thanks again for righting this, have a good day.
Being a teenager, I’ve been so confused about my sexual orientation for years now. When I first started being curious, I thought I was bisexual. However, as life has gone on, I’ve realized that I’m biromantic. For the past three or so years, I’ve forced myself to pretend to feel sexual attraction. I forced myself for so long that it became instinct. Anytime I talked about sex or the desire to have sex with someone, my instincts kicked in right away. But it always felt off, like there was some foreign object in my immune system and I wanted it out. So, after reading this and rally analyzing the things I think, feel, and do, I’ve come to realize that I’m asexual. Thank you so much for these lists. They have really helped me accept this about myself.
I’m having a hard time telling if I’m Asexual, I’ve always been a weird girl, I’m 19, nearing the end of my freshman year in college, and I’ve really never felt the need to be in a relationship. I mean I’ve had a few crushes, 5 to be exact, but in no way have I ever really wanted a relationship or anything more than that, in fact, I am close friends with the guy I’m crushing on now and the only thing I do differently around him is, sometimes I’m really awkward, I blush a lot, and I go out of my way to spend time with him; I think sex is absolutely disgusting and really don’t understand why anyone would want to be in a relationship.
A small part of me kind of wants a relationship, kinda like in those cute cheesy movies where they are in a relationship and normally they don’t kiss. However, I don’t really like seeing kisses and I’ve never kissed/been kissed by anyone.
I guess I’ve just kind of assumed that I’m straight, but I’ve never really had any urges or anything that would make me want sex. I didn’t/don’t even like using the word, sex, I didn’t like saying it so much that I kept it out of my vocabulary until about a few months ago.
I’ve been told by my mom and some of the other people around me that I am a ginormous flirt, but I really can’t tell, I’ve just always assumed I inherited that trait from my dad. There was this one guy who was flirting with me and I didn’t know until my brother, grandmas, and parents pointed it out. I’ve also had a couple of my guy friends ask me out before, but I’ve never really wanted to date either of them.
I guess some of this could be some sort of like late blooming or something or hormonal imbalance, but I am just really curious if I am asexual or just awkward or something, I dunno…
I so understand you.
Haha I thought I was a girl lol
Now it’s been two years. Do you feel any different?
Umm, I guess I’m a way I do and in a way I don’t, I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety for a whole and some of the rambly-ness of the original post makes more sense. I am a lot more secure in saying and identifying as Asexual. Things about ‘ace discourse’ hurt me more than they used to. I’m currently more grappling with feeling more comfortable about my gender identity.
Its really nice being secure in my sexual orientation. My romantic orientation is a little weird right now, but I’m working on figuring that out.
I still don’t plan on dating, but I may for a very select number of people. I’ve had one more crush than last time.
Being in college has really opened my mind and made me a better person and I have started hating myself less since I started on my path to being the person I want to be. (This was a bit long and rambly as well, I didn’t script this, sorry…)
Alot of the stuff here I feel I fall under.
But I have extremely mixed thoughts and opinions. I dont know. Please help me.
am I an Ace if I like watching? Like I kinda find it interesting. . I prefer watching gay and lesbian to straight or bi. Only on occasion. But more specifically I really only like yaoi and yuri. So fictional. Real people I find it kinda horrifying?
I find sex in theory faccinating and do research about it. All in all I find it hilarious and stupid. I can laugh at sex jokes. Granted im a little slow.
I view sex: Its like how some people think. “Everyone elses pain is funny but my own.”
I dont have urges. Im pretty sure this is like the most common characteristic of aces. I dont see how people enjoy it enough to do it all the time. Especially since its actually quite harmful. And the whole plessure over rides the pain thing? Fuck off. Pain is horrible and stupid. Would you keep breaking your arm to have more morphine?
I feel disgusted to even try fantasize about myself with someone. But I get all happy thinking about others being together.
I dont want a relationship at the moment but if one happens it happens. im open to whatever gender. Doesnt matter to me.
I tell people im ace. If they ask. And I wonder if I really am. Because sometimes I have a curiosity. What is everyone so hyped about?
But if im ace I shouldnt think that right?? I feel like im lying to them and myself. But im not straight. Im not gay either. What am I? Why is this topic so freaking important?
What do I identify myself as?
See…this list was very helpful but I’m still not sure if I’m asexual….idk…I might just be demi-sexual? Like I might fall into the umbrella category somewhere. Or maybe I just have a low libido? Because I masturbate, and I like masturbating. But if I suddenly was for some reason unable to masturbate it wouldn’t bother me all that much. If anything I use it as a breather to just unwind rather than to “get off”. I definitely only have sex to please my partner. But again I’m not sure if that’s just because I have a low libido? And I’ve also never experienced pleasure while we have sex. He takes my lack of pleasure in sex personally and thinks I’m unattractive to him or I don’t love him. Which isn’t the case at all! Idk if I’m attracted to him or not. I think he has a great body with pleasing features. So I’ve always thought I was attracted to him. But I just don’t care about engaging in sex with him. I don’t even care about kissing or other stuff like that either. Anyway, how do you maintain a relationship with someone who is very sexual when you are asexual or have a low libido? And btw what’s the difference between having a low libido and being asexual?
I have read all three parts, and feel that i relate so much. But there are times when i keep reading and i feel that i dont relate at all. I am still so confused.
There is so much in these post that resonate. I think, there was this moment like 3 years ago, where I went on holidays with my friends, and there was this guy selling tickets for a tour, right? And he was gorgeous, I mean, objectively, I looked at this guy and thought, wow, he’s beautiful, like aesthetically. I like looking at him, I wonder if he’s an interesting person?
and while I was doing this, my friends were tripping over handbags distracted and going ‘ugh he’s so hot’ and I didn’t get it. they were like ‘i’d tap that’ and my brain was like ‘woah, no, why, you don’t even know him’. And I mean, I had romantic relationships in high school, and i loved the hugs, and the hand holding and the emotional intimacy, but I never realised that to these people sex was a thing. It was always strange, because I liked these guys right, alot, I loved hanging out and talking to them and being in that relationship, but I cannot recall one time ever where I was with someone who I was physically attracted to in a sexual way.
To me, sex was an uncomfortable thought, and I was mildly curious in a ‘huh I wonder what that’s like’ way at best. But its never really factored in for me, I would be perfectly content to never have sex for the rest of my life and it totally wouldn’t even bother me. I got to 18 before I ever tried masturbating, literally just out of curiosity, and after I was kinda like, meh, waste of time, whats the big deal?. I had a conversation with one of my best friends the other night, because we were talking about this guy who asked me out, and she asked me how I felt about sex, and it was really weird to explain to this girl, who I know loves sex, that I honestly don’t care about it, its not really something that interesting to me.
Which is massively uncomfortable sometimes cause I’m still navigating how to explain to potential romantic partners that I’m interested but it’s highly unlikely that I’m ever going to want to have sex with them, or anyone else. it strange, its not something I really feel comfortable discussing with someone I’m getting to know, but also not something I can avoid discussing.
I feel like I am ace, honestly. Now, I’d have sex if it really meant a lot of my partner, but I’d never do it unless I feel totally comfortable and trust them wholly. Also, I honestly am fine about reading sex scene if I feel like they two characters are at that point in a relationship. I’ve also written about sex and all, but I never really got a boost or a kick from it or anything.
Or I could just maybe need to try it eventually and maybe I will like it. Who knows.
But like you said, this isn’t a checklist you take to figure it out, but I feel as if i am because I still feel romantic feelings toward people, but y’know. Never was interested in banging them or such.
I recently discovered after years and years of thinking that it was just me being an introvert that created all the awkwardness about sex and anything related to sex as disgusting and a necessary evil in case I want to have a child (which I do), and could never flat out say that I was hetero/gay/bi etc. that I am asexual. Reading these posts reminds me so much of what have happened to me during the years and I can flat out laugh out loud because it’s so accurate to my own experiences. There’s one line that wasn’t what I had experienced though as I am very aware of when people are flirting with me and harbouring romantic and sexual feelings towards me and it’s quite exhausting and something I wish I was oblivious of. It’s the same with me when I think that we’re just having a normal conversation, but they think I’m flirting.
My sister knew I was ace long before I knew it myself and it’s thanks to her that I’m finally aware of it. Thank you for writing these posts! Loved reading it and know that there are more people thinking the same way I do!
So, I’ver been trying to find what my sexuality is , but all I know is I’m not quite straight. I’m not at the age to even have sex, but I have always planned on having it with someone I love when I wanna have a kid. So somewhere in my 30’s. I’ve always wondered about my sexuality, and kind of fought it because of my religion. But here’s some of the key traits I think will help define what I am :
1. I don’t really find sex something I wanna do, but it’s fascinating
2. I am attracted to guys, and I just want a relationship where we can cuddle & watch movies
3. I have a bit of an overactive imagination. I doubt I’m bi, but in the process of trying to figure out my sexuality, I try to imagine myself with other girls. Ironically it’s people I hate who are annoying, and I think that I’m just imagining a fantasy me, because when I snap back to reality, I realize I would never do such a thing.
4. I have the principle where I may end up with a guy, or a girl. I’m guessing a guy considering I prefer them, but if I really do find love with another girl, I’m not gonna push them away- but again, I seriously doubt I will end up with a girl. When I imagine myself with a girl, it’s kinda in a romantic novel that I would read, not real life.
Does anyone else kind of struggle with these? Like, they know they’re different, but they don’t know exactly how?
Of course. Isn’t that what everyone on this site at some point have done: struggled?
I know I have. ^^
I have always been different xP
We are all different. (… I don’t want to sound so cliché though, haha)
If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?
I used to think about sex all the time, too much in fact. I know now I was overcompensating. I knew that people are supposed to want sex and flirt and date and have sexual thoughts about other people, but it just never came naturally to me. Instead I was constantly worrying about sex coming up in social situations and analyzing my thoughts and trying to figure out how my sexuality worked and what was wrong with me. I knew I wasn’t experiencing things the right way but I didn’t know what that meant, so i just felt sort of broken or like an emotional failure. I was also so hung up on the thought that I must be straight by default that it took me a very long time to come to accept that I was ace, even when it was staring me in the face (ive known for years that im really not attracted to people, but i just chalked it up to me being “weird” lol). One of the biggest tells for me was when I realized I did not understand sexual frustration. My friend was lamenting not having sex in several weeks and I was very confused why masturbating didn’t satisfy her. These days I hardly think about sex at all. It’s not a source of anxiety anymore, nor is it something I’m pursuing. I enjoy masturbating to porn and erotica but feel no need for anything beyond that and dont like imagining myself in sexual situations with others. Over the years I went through stages of believing I was pansexual and bisexual, but neither label ever felt completely right. After realizing I’m ace I feel happier and free-er than ever, so I know that this time Ive got it right.
New here, thinking I may possibly be Ace, and that part about movies and books rang a big bell. Im not 100% if its cause Im Ace, but I noticed with my friends and stuff I’ve never been into “Shipping” in stories and tv shows. I like to write too and the only romances Ive written are cause a friend requested them and even then I noticed I tend to enjoy/feel more natural with all the lore and story parts than the romance parts. Like Im writing one for a friend and so far the romance is buried so deeply under lore and plot I forgot it was a romance (friends didnt mind thank god) but like with movies and tv shows I always want to look at the plot and writing and everyone else always wanted to mention thier “ship” and I dont make them stop but I dont get excited or protective of it and usually just go with whatever pairing is popular so they dont feel like im dismissing what they like. And the romances I do enjoy are usually b sides to the main event but Im so picky with that even. Im sure thats one of the sure fire ways I am, but reading all this other stuff Im realy starting to consider that Im ace. And if so then, I guess what I just typed makes a lot of sense?
Thank you for the information and the comments. I am married to an asexual and I will be honest, it has been difficult because we both did/do not fully comprehend this orientation. Unfortunately, I am on the other end of the spectrum and for the longest time couldn’t understand why he did not find me desirable. I think if we had knowledge of this prior to our marriage, or at least, if he was able to communicate what he was ‘feeling’, maybe I would not had jump to my own destructive conclusions. After twenty yrs of marriage, I finally ‘get it’, but unfortunately the ‘scars of hurt’ from misunderstanding are hard to erase. I know it is very difficult to discuss this matter with your significant other, but let me share from experience, not doing it could result in significant damage, or grave misunderstandings in your relationship. We came to find out that my college son also has similar feelings, and I shared with him what I am sharing with you, stating that his feelings are ‘normal’ and that he shouldn’t be ashamed and that his girlfriend, if they desire to be any closer, really needs to know. Knowing the kind of relationship they have – I think she will be okay with it. As with all relationships, communication is the key.
Well this has certainly made sense to me about myself, I’m not entirely sure that I’m asexual because I do think about sex but it’s never centred around me but it’s not in the scientific sense either it’s more of a random thought that just pops up. I’ve noticed that I never feel aroused around people and it’s weird when guys think or say I’m hot and want to bang me or whatever, but I find it endearing when they, guys I know I mean, say “Hey gorgeous!” I’m so freaking confused. I’ve had thoughts that people are pretty or cute or handsome and when I think of someone as hot, which is hardly ever, I mean it in a visually appealing sense not sexually appealing. I’ve had many offers for sex from guys and yet I’m usually thinking “But I’m reading or watching something!” and try to make excuses to not go through with it, because I’ve never had sex regardless of offers. I’m more interested hanging out with my friends or on my own, travelling and I never willingly search for ‘hot’ people on the internet, it just makes me blush and become uncomfortable when I have too, because I write and I like getting inspiration for my characters. Anyway, I’ve noticed also that I used to masturbate a lot, and I mean everyday about 2 or 3 times a day but nowadays I can’t even be bothered to masturbate and it feels more like a chore to begin with then after it’s done I’m usually relieved because I can get back to whatever it was that I was doing and it feels like something I can do to fill boredom often times. Even with all this I’m still confused and it doesn’t help that one of my best friend said it was about time I have sexual relations in my life, I’m 18, even though I don’t feel the urge and feel that I’m perfectly fine on my own. The only thing I want sometimes is a cuddle buddy, that’s it.
I have felt exaclty the same way. Now, I no longer masturbate, and I consider that these are the best years of my life.
This feels like it comes right out of my mind. I think very much like you, and I condider myself (“very”) asexual. I’m 22 years old.
Do you want someone to talk to? I would gladly listen to you, and share thoughts.
Um, I’m trying to learn more about asexuality because . . . I am really confused as to what category I fit into.
I wouldn’t mind loving anyone, so I consider myself poly/panromantic.
I have a girlfriend whom I love A LOT, but . . . whenever she and I get into any sort of . . sexual acts, she always wants to know what I want, when all I want is cuddling. I just really don’t like being touched sexually — and I’m sure this is partially me just being really self-conscious because I definitely do not have as thin a figure as she does — but I don’t mind touching her sexually. Yet, I still love kissing/making out.
I don’t understand if this is just me having problems with myself or if this means I’m asexual/panromantic, or what and I just really need some outside insight.
Okay, just to clear up the thing about I don’t mind touching her sexually: I don’t mind pleasuring her — in fact, I love it — but I just hate when she touches ME anywhere on my torso. My rear is fine, legs = fine, arms = fine, but my chest to my abdomen makes me so turned off and anxious and I just don’t know.
So, I’ve been struggling with this for years. Am I asexual? Am I just doing something wrong? All 3 parts, I fit a lot of these signs. But I don’t want to put a label on myself…..
Alright so I’ve recently realized that I’m a bit different than other people. I never had a crush on or liked somebody in real life. I’ve been on dates with approximately three guys in my life and none of those got past kissing which just felt really awkward to me so I stopped the relationship. I’ve been told I flirt a lot but it never seems like flirting to me. I don’t mind sex scenes in books or tv/movies; in fact I have fantasized and dream about being in those scenes. But when it comes to real-life I feel absolutely no attraction towards anyone. Sure I can describe character’s as ‘sexy’ or ‘hot’ and will sometimes wear outfits that I know can be described as sexy or provocative but I’ve never felt like having sex or even actively describe real people as such. I’ve always thought that my friends were all boy-crazy cause every other conversation would be about a boy they like or just boys in general. So does that mean I’m asexual? Or am I something else entirely?
I found this site quite by accident while my wife of 39 years is watching the NFC championship between the Atlanta Falcons and the Green Bay Packers. We are quite happily married, save for the fact we have not been sexually intimate in 14 years (our 25th wedding anniversary in year 2003).
Upon reading the three diagnostic articles, originally published in 2012, in January of 2017, I feel as though the author had interviewed Yours Truly with the various questionnaire items and published my feelings as a heteroromantic, asexual male.
At age 64, rather than citing my childhood, adolescent and early adult experiences, let me just state that my feelings match those of the authors and confirm most of the responses from you dear respondents.
Growing up in a household with an abusive, alcoholic, womanizing father, and two sisters, and a mother who relentlessly teased me if I showed even the slightest interest in a girl — I grew up expressing zero interest in things sexual with any people of any gender.
I married the girl whom I dated for four years (and had known for nine years by the time we had gotten married), we were both virgins in the most basic sense. We never engaged in anything beyond kissing and moderate petting. Absolutely zero oral- or genital contact. I found my fiancee to be pretty and attractive — but not sexy in any sense.
On our wedding night, my wife was “so tight” that it was physically painful for me to enter her. She had not even inserted anything as large as a finger, much less a man’s genitals. Actually, I found that fact to be “relieving” because I didn’t have to have sex with her on our wedding night. We kissed and caressed and cuddled throughout our 10 day honeymoon — but it was not until a full nine months later that I consummated our wedding,
Even as newlyweds, I had essentially zero sex drive for my wife, and had absolutely zero feelings for anyone else. We would go for 30 months at a time without being sexually intimate; ironically, every day of our marriage, we would hug and kiss and say ‘I Love You!’ to each other. (In fact, that continues to today, despite our not being physically intimate since year 2003.)
About five years into our marriage, one Sunday afternoon in May of 1983, I surprised my wife by initiating our lovemaking — something that almost never happened before. She looked me in the eyes, and said, “You’re not wearing protection!” I looked down, smiled and nodded. She cried at the thought that we were going to finally start a family.
“Luckily” she became pregnant the first month we tried. I placed the word ‘luckily’ in quotation marks, because then I didn’t have to have sex with her any more! We joked to our friends and relatives that the “Big Bang Theory” had worked! Between the time she conceived and gave birth to our only child, we had sex perhaps only once or twice during the ensuing nine months.
After conceiving, my wife confessed to me that she was looking up divorce lawyers because I had refused to make love to her. Well, we remained married — and we still hug and kiss every day of our 49 year marriage — and we remain sexless.
* * * * * * * * * *
I am not proud of my refusal of being sexual with my wife. At least, however, she knows that I am not running around and cheating on her. To set the record straight, I am not attracted by men. While I have been attracted to other women at work, nothing has ever come of my attraction.
Enough of my rambling; thank you for having read this far.
Your comments are welcomed.
While this series was done a loooong time ago–I felt I needed to say thank you to the author. I’m 28 years old and I am pretty sure I’m asexual. For years I’ve been trying to figure out “what’s wrong with me” and nearly all those bold headlines described me.
As an artist, I look at the world in terms of “how can I draw that…” seriously. Every building, tree, landscape, etc. I judge things based on artistic beauty and that applies to how I look at people. Men and women can be beautiful in an artistic sense to me but never hot. I’ve never had the “I’m gunna bone that person right.now.” feeling, not even when looking at someone I genuinely believe to be “beautiful”–instead I end up drawing them.
I don’t crave sex, in fact I get anxiety when thinking I have to engage in sex with my partner. I have no issues with masturbation but even that, to me, is more of a way to satiate an animalistic desire, like eating. Once done I go about my business. I’ve never thought about sex nor do I ever initiate anything. Unfortunately for me, all my relationships ended because I’m not sexual enough for them. Which is hard because they don’t understand that I did (and for some, do) love them…
I guess I would request there to be a part 4 of this series that addresses how to be in a relationship as an asexual. How can you find happiness with someone who isn’t asexual or are you doomed to this forced, anxiety laden activity that you’ll hate just to prove that you actually do love someone?
Is it possible for someone to start off as a pretty sexual person and eventually turn asexual?
As a young teen, the idea of sex came instinctually to me- I didn’t have to read/ watch porn or sex ed stuff, unlike my peers, I just knew what it was all about somehow. I knew what sex was and was specially interested in the kinkier sides of sex at a time when most of my peers didn’t even know that stuff existed. I have never experienced sexual attraction to anyone/ anything so far though. It’s weird because I like the idea of sex, I understand it and think it’s pretty great, I’m just not sexually attracted to people at all- friends, crushes, boyfriends, or celebrities. I was quite confused and thought I found the answer when I showed up as grayasexual on the quiz I did. But this article seems to disagree with the idea..
Is it possible for someone to like the concept of sex, not be sexually attracted to anyone and still identify under the asexual spectrum?
I think so, yes. I mean, why not? If you have thought about it and feel like it is in the asexual category you belong, then there should be no problem.
(I myself can relate somewhat to what you’re talking about ;))
But there is no reason either to put yourself in a box. We are all unique, right? <3
Can you be asexual and still feel physical attraction? What I mean is, can you still think people are hot?
Thank you so much for this blog and these posts.
I found myself saying “Oh my God” and “Yes!” To so many of these things.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart <3
Thank you, really!
I kinda always assumed, that I am a-sexual, but I never really realized it to the point of being sure. That has changed immediately, when you mentioned “flirts” that did not occurred to me as those. But looking back, there were clearly some situations, that should have raised red flags immediately. I’m male, so maybe this story sounds kinda “off” for some people, but I’m sure you guys here will understand the situation:
I was partying at a very nice techno-club in Hamburg/Germany and really enjoyed the night and the deep-house/tech-house music. On this party I met two girls and really gotten along with them very well; talking about all kinds of stuff and dancing in between on the floor. At 9:00 am the rave was over and they wanted me to come to their place (they kissed with each other in front of me in the club, so obviously I really did not get it). We drove with a taxi to their place and it resulted in…
…nothing really. We hung around in the bed (yes, really O.o), one on each side and just cuddled and listened to music till about 5:00 pm. Remember, I just met them in the club not even a day before and “normal” persons would definitively describe them as “hot”. The “hotter” one was giving baskets on a 10 minute basis at the party, knew the DJ and was watched all the time by the men in there. One guy even asked me, if I was gay, because I did not seem to recognize the attractiveness of the two girls. I had a really nice discussion with him about music, peoples behaving and other thinks, but not a single word about “women” or “hit that” was lost.
I just remember the girls where making really desperate signs, of what maybe was going on, when they kissed all the time and once even made a comment like: “my bed is so loud, when I do it, because of the springs” or something like that.
That situation would be the dream of most man, I assume. This sounds like a Barney Stinson situation, but for me, it really wasn’t. It was just strange afterwards; Strange for me, the girls still wanted to hang out and I stayed in contact loosely, but lost tracks, what they are doing now. And I don’t care. At the time I thought: “well, maybe it’s not the right girl(‘s).”, but today I am sure, that this clear “opportunity” has shown, that I am just not into it.
Thank you for your article, this has helped me A LOT.
I know this is an old article but wanted to say thanks, i identify with a lot of this stuff and i have some thinking to do
I really liked this post and I felt that it explained a lot of what I felt that I could never put into words. I am thirty years old this year, I am Mexican, and my family has started to feel antsy with me and ask me when I am planning to get married and have children. I am tired of telling them it’s probably not in the works for me and that it’s quite alright since it has NEVER been something I ever imagined for me even as a teenager.
My friends can understand the fact that I may not want children, or that I may never want to marry, but what they CANNOT understand is that I have zero sexual drive. I have mentioned to 1 friend that I have never had sex nor am I anxious to do so, she thought I was joking so I never mentioned it again. She is in a long term open relationship and she usually has 2 or more guys to fulfill her sexual urges, I am usually more interested in how she keeps up with so much activity than to know the new sexual positions she’s tried. When she talks about sex I just nod and find myself day dreaming about a book or a tv show I am watching. Her reality has never been mine, nor do I even see myself capable of exerting so much time on sex, so I can’t really even try to understand it just like she can’t imagine never having sex.
I have had 1 boyfriend all my life and that was when I was 13 years old, i’d agreed to be his girlfriend because everybody talked about wanting a boyfriend and the guy was someone I’ve been friends with since I was five, I liked him and trusted him and loved his sense of humour. We went out for 5 years. We never got past the hand holding and the kiss on the cheek. Nobody believed that so I just stopped denying that we’d gone any further. I know he’d thought of going further but because I was so oblivious to his cues he just gave up and decided to break up with me. We were friends for a while after that and I never lamented the change in labels.
I am graduating as a medical doctor (as soon as I finish the damn thesis) this year. I have found out that my colleagues are super promiscuous or at least like to talk as if they were, to me the whole thing seems annoying and meaningless. I know I am not ugly and perhaps even desirable too, well at least according to what my best girlfriends say. Higher ups have made comments on how I am pretty so I’m probably not single, I just laugh as I tell them I’m single and want to keep it that way thank you very much. They however take it to mean I am open to their sexual innuendos (which I often don’t even get – my friends usually clue me in on them and how such and such was “totally hitting on you” so I only know that they were after me a whole lot of time after the fact.) My friends think that I have blinkers on or am especially thick or extremely picky but I think they’d be completely aghast if they realize that I am just not interested ever. I’ve had one friend think that I am holding a torch for my first and only boyfriend which is why I’ve never dated again. I have long given up on explaining my reality to them.
Another anomaly to the rest of my friends is that: I love men in the abstract but because all of the ones I’ve met are very sexual I lose interest right away. I can appreciate how handsome or even pretty some of them are and say so without ever feeling like I would like to have sex with them. I’ve been told that I am cold to friend zone them all, but I have found that keeping them in the friend category is more fun because they can be there for the occasional chit chat on the latest game, tv show or book and I don’t have to worry if I a neglecting them, if they understand that I like them but do not really want a physical exploration of that like. In fact I have tried to imagine myself having sex with them but it feels awkward and weird even as a theoretical exercise. As I’ve said before I’d rather talk about a Star Wars movie, the next Avengers or the themes in one of my favourite books, go hiking, go to the gym, go swimming etc. Anything but having sex is more interesting to me.
This also leads to the fact that I love children but I don’t really want to have any in the traditional way of getting them. I’d rather adopt a child than go through the motions to get them the natural way. This has shocked my mother many times over, even thinking that she must have done something wrong as she raised me for me to feel that way. I have also stopped talking about those thoughts with her since my early 20s. For all she knows I’ve changed my opinions since then because I let her talk about her future green eyed light haired grand children. I am the only one of her 3 children that inherited my grandfather’s eye color and she wants to see it passed down, even if she knows it’s not likely to happen. It’s sometimes so hard to breathe because I can’t tell her my real thoughts and I feel guilty that I am depriving her of her potential grandchildren.
Everything I’ve said has made me feel like I must be broken somehow, that I came to this world faulty. That some deity was handing out all the attributes humans need to function in this world one day, but I forgot to get in line for sexual interest. Sometimes this thought is crippling on my self esteem. sometimes I can not accept myself. Sometimes I wish I could be “normal”. Sometimes I rage against my own feelings. Sometimes I realize that maybe I have to forgive and love myself before anybody else can begin to understand me.
I’m 50, a virgin and have never had a relationship and this really bothers other people. I remember friends at school gradually replacing posters of ponies and kittens with boy bands and them earnestly tell me that “he only ever wears red boxer shorts” and they’d kiss the poster every night before they went to bed. I’d think, well, um OK I guess I’m going to start feeling like that soon, but I didn’t (my walls were covered in old maps because I found them beautiful) In the sixth form I got permission to swim every morning with some of the teachers and this was sèen as really weird because “obviously” we’d be eyeing each other up (when? I was concentrating on my stroke and planning essays in my head) It’s taken me time to decide I am Ace because I’ve had decades of serious depression, hospitalised a lot, so its been difficult to tease out what was illness and what is essentially ‘me’. Chick-lit seems to follow a pattern, start with no home/job/something to nurture/relationship. 3/4 of the way through I’m thinking that it was a really happy ending because the heroine has made a home, is doing well at work, has baby/dog/child to nurture…then I realise that the book isn’t finished because the whole love and sex bit hasn’t played out yet. Porn? Well I find it technically interesting but not arousing. Flirting, I think I’m immune to. I spent a very long train journey discussing renewable energy with a bloke who made wind turbines as a career.Only when he asked which hotel I was staying at and when we should meet up did I realise that his mind was on other things! I’m interested in people, what they think, what makes them tick but at no point do I start wondering about what they do in bed. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m missing out in an intellectual way, when the whole world seems to revolve around sex (heck, despite being neutered my dogs have very clear ideas about the value of dogs of the opposite sex!) but a lot of people say bungee jumping is amazing yet I’m in no hurry to fix an elastic band to my ankle. If I get runover by a bus tomorrow will I lie on my deathbed regretting my lack of sexual experience? No, but I might wish that I’d found someone special in my life to cherish and I would have liked children, although being an introvert and needing a lot of time alone this would always be a challenge. In many ways I have been extraordinarily lucky, as a teen my hobby meant I spent most of my leisure time with people 40-50 years older than me and they were far less ruled by their hormones so I always felt that I was basically OK and to be me was fine and didn’t have to face much peer pressure. We had a ‘Victorian’ term at middle school and had to dress up and experience school from their point of view and it was really shocking to us that children were hit for using their left hand to write rather than the ‘correct’ right hand. I hope that in another 50 years time pretty much everyone will understand about being asexual and be as accepting of that as we are now that some people are left/right/ambidextrous)
I agree with you. I did hang some posters up on my bedroom wall for a while when I was a teenager. But then I missed my cat posters so much that I took down the boy bands and reposted my cats. It actually felt better too. I understand what you said about the bungee jumping. I say that all the time.
In six months I’ll be celebrating my 40 year old virgin birthday. That’s right, I’ll be celebrating because it feels like an accomplishment. I don’t need to be embarrassed about it.
“You don’t catch it when people are flirting, even when you’re the one doing the flirting.”
This is so me it hurts. I’m never flirting. I don’t know how to do it and I’m not interested in doing it. But I’ve had several girlfriends tell me “oh you were flirting hard with that guy!” as I stared at them blankly. I’ve had girls get mad at me for “flirting wih their boyfriends” when I was just being friendly. It always catches me off guard. And it also makes me uncomfortable to know a guy might take it the wrong way … makes sense now why I always felt like people were playing a game I don’t know the rules to and no one taught me how to play.
This is so me. I’ve never flirted with anyone. I’ve never wanted to. I’ll just smile or wave. I don’t usually see anyone flirting or staring at me either. But I have seen my brother & a girl batting eyes at each other. I told him later on that I noticed. And my mother will pat someone on the arm. To me, she’s flirting, but she doesn’t think so.
About the books/movies/porn part I find watching people have sex or make out makes me look away and think “eww” even seeing another person naked is very uncomfortable. I also read different romance books because I think the plot is interesting but the sex in books doesn’t really bother me. I don’t really get turned on by it, and if I do it’s extremely low, but I guess I find reading about sex interesting, the process of it and what other people find hot or sexy,but it’s nothing I would want to do.
Also I have tried masturbating but it really doesn’t do anything for me, I only really do it because I want to see if it will do anything for me and because I’m 18 I’m supposed to be super horny right? Most of the time though I do nothing because I know it’s my bodies natural reaction to something and it doesn’t mean I’m sexual attracted to something if that makes sense.
Hi! I sort of fell the same way about the fictional romance books. I’ve read them. Even the sex scenes are funny to me. The whole time I’m reading it, I’m thinking, “yuck! People don’t really do these things, do they? ” then I realize in the back of my mind, well, yes, yes they do. But i could never do anything those books describe. Sheesh! I can barely give people eye contact & that seems to be too much for me. No way could i do anything else.
The interesting thing about this is that even when you have sexual – ish interaction with someone, at the very moment you’re having it, you go “no, I’m not feeling anything. This is something I don’t want”.
Wow, thanks man. I’ve had trouble labeling my sexuality for a while now and the common definition of asexuality didn’t really explain anything. The thing is, I enjoy masturbation (sometimes, most of the time I do it because I’m bored or can’t sleep) and fantasize about a girl or boy if I like them, but haven’t ever experienced the excitement or pleasure in sex like everyone else I know does. It had confused me because if I like masturbating, I must have sexual attraction, right? If I fantasize about kissing my crush and them stroking my arms and back, I must want sex…? But the thing is, that porn is stupid and smut in fanfiction is good only because the characters think it’s good and I’m glad they are enjoying themselves. I’d rather cuddle a person and discuss stuff than being down their pants. I see people as hot not because they are hot to me, but because I know what is seen as hot in society and my group of friends. These and other points on your lists have helped me a bit more and I feel much more sure and justified with calling myself an asexual now
Ive always thought there was something wrong with me! I don’t know if I’m asexual but i think I’m definitely on the spectrum. Ive just left a 30 year marriage in which i never initiated sex or particularly enjoyed it. It felt like a chore and i felt guilty all the time for never wanting sex. I just don’t think about it at all. When i think back to my young life i wasn’t like everyone else i waited a lot longer than my friends to have sex and i probably only did it because everyone else was. I was with my bf for a long time before and didn’t overly enjoy it. However i thought his muscular body was ‘hot’. I realise now i never had sex for the right reason ever! I will gladly go the rest of my life without thinking about, wanting or having sex.
Heres why I’m not sure I’m asexual.
1. I do find men attractive but i don’t want to have sex with them
2. I do masturbate
3. I am addicted to male gay romance and have no interest in hetero romance in books
4. I can only masturbate to male gay porn
5. I want romance and love (with someone who doesn’t want sex)
6. I want someone to adore me and treat me like I’m special without sex
7. I like even love kissing
8. Id rather be on my own for the rest of my life if i cant have a relationship like i just described
Id love any insight anyone can offer
Interesting. I’m a 50+ yo virgin man.
1. I do find women and men attractive but i don’t want to have sex with them
2. I do masturbate
3. I am somewhat interested in romance in books
4. The only porn I masturbate to is lesbian porn
5. I want romance and love (but not enough that I really pursue it)
6. I want someone to adore me and treat me like I’m special without sex
7. I don’t like kissing, just snuggling. But I would be willing to do things to please my theoretical partner (even sex).
8. Id rather be on my own for the rest of my life if i cant have a relationship like i just described
I don’t feel like any sexual orientation perfectly describes me, I don’t like being stuffed in a box. But I think that asexuality is the closest fit.
I’ve heard from other people, even family members & relatives that there was something wrong with me. But i never believed it myself. I knew i was different, i just didn’t know why. I knew there must be a real medical reason why. Saying that someone has something wrong with them is not very creative. There must have been a real scientific reason why I’m different. So my brother asked me kindly if i was asexual. Then i read a magazine article about people who called themselves asexual. And i just knew this was the real reason why i was different. Having something wrong with me was never the reason. I never accepted that for myself. And my brother was right all along. I do find a fictional character attractive. Only one fictional character. Fictophilia. But other than that, I’d rather be alone the rest of my life even though I’ve heard from other people, “no one wants to be alone. ” but i just do.
“If given the hypothetical chance of a no-strings, no-regrets, no-consequences sexual encounter, you’d have to think about it.” I would not have to think about this at all, it would be a straight up “No thanks.” I guess that’s one of the key reasons I feel asexual. A number of the other questions I might think about.
Me too. No thanks. Forever!
Me too. No thanks. Forever!
Actually, I’m a female & last year i celebrated my 40 year old virgin birthday.
Just recently I met a dude, who I have emotional connection with and want to date. The physical intimacy does not gross me out, I love touching his skin, caressing it with my lips, he smells great in all sorts of ways. However, I never even thought about going any further. He raised it as an issue, saying he thinks I don’t really want him, if I don’t express any desire to explore his body in a sexual way. I tried explaining to him that’s only because I don’t really touch other people like that, and don’t really touch myself in those ways, so it’s hard for me to emphatize with the way he feels. I didn’t want this relationship to disintegrate over it, which it would quickly do without sex, so we started doing things with each other’s naked bodies. To me, it’s not a super fun activity, I would rather watch movies together, cook, or do sports. Cuddling looks as intimate to me, I don’t really understand the need to involve nudity or certain body parts in any way. I can orgasm, I know what to do, or how to get the other party aroused. Don’t get any pleasure out of it, except the pleasure of seeing my partner very happy. I want to experience closeness, so I might keep trying to get into it, we’ll see how it goes, I’m still young.