Q: I’m a non-binary, AMAB asexual, and I wanted your take on this. Going through high school, I took comfort in the idea I was likely just more like girls than boys because society likes to paint girls as nearly asexual some of the time in the first place. Did you ever think anything differently about your gender in relation to your asexuality?

I never really gave gender much thought.  I knew that gender did not equal sex, and knew about transgender people, probably all the way back in high school, if not earlier.  And I knew it didn’t apply to me.  I never felt like anything was wrong about my body, and I never wanted a different one (Although, I will admit to being curious about what it would be like on occasion, but nothing beyond that).

But really, I mostly didn’t care.  I’ve never felt particularly “manly”, but I’ve never felt “girly”, either.  When I was younger, I was more interested in crafts than sports, but I attribute that more to being an uncoordinated nerd who sunburns easily than anything else.

For me, I don’t think there’s much of a connection between my gender perception and asexuality.

Q: Do women ever hear you’re asexual and give that “Challenge accepted!” response?

Usually, it doesn’t come up.  I think I project an air of “not really interested” so it doesn’t even reach the point where they’d even try.  Besides, most of the women who know are already in a relationship and wouldn’t be in a position to take on a “challenge”.

The one exception I can think of was asexual herself, so it was less of a “Challenge Accepted” and more of a “Wow!  Another one!  Capture him!”

Q:Hi, I’m an ace female and I was just wondering how do you respond to people when they say thing like you’re wrong for not liking sex or you’ll like it when you’re older or when you’ve found the right person?

“You’re wrong for not liking sex”:  For me, it’s not a dislike, it’s a disinterest.  I’ve had sex before and I just didn’t see what was so great about it.  I found it rather boring, actually.  I felt emotionally disconnected from the whole process.  Physically, yes, it did feel good, but I can get many of the same sensations through masturbation, without the boredom or disconnected feeling.  And sure, I’ve only done it a handful of times (intercourse twice, and activities that may or may not meet your definition of “sex” a few more times) and all with the same person, so I don’t have a wide range of experiences to draw this conclusion from.  But there was nothing in what I’ve done that made me think, “You know, I could really get into this.”

“You’ll like it when you’re older”:  I’m 35.  When is this magical transformation supposed to happen?

“When you’ve found the right person”:  Many people, when they talk about their experiences, say that they feel sexually attracted to multiple people every day.  That celebrity, this grocery store clerk, that person on the bus, this person in the accounting department.  It’s there, even if they’re never going to act on it or even have the opportunity to, it’s just there.  And so, with all the people I’ve seen in my life, and no one’s triggered that, what’s the likelihood that anyone ever will?

Q:  Why is it difficult for people to understand asexuality as a genuine personal preference? Of course, I am not asking how sexual education ought to be done, per se, but I’m asking what are obstacles to the process of learning about and understanding asexuality?

I think the biggest issue is that asexuality is rarely even presented as a possibility.  Interest in sex is presented as biological destiny.  You WILL want it.  You will even NEED it.  That’s just how it is.  You’re supposed to want it with someone who has compatible gametes, because that’s the way evolution ensured that our species will survive.  Even if you prefer someone with the same bits, well, you’re still going to have the drive, because that’s Human Nature™. And everyone hears that story from when they were born.  “Humans need sex to survive!”  And for most people, it comes true!  They reach a certain age and, wouldya look at that?  That sex thing is mighty interesting!  And she looks like a mighty interesting person to try it out with! And so the story is reinforced:  They told me everyone will want sex, then I wanted sex, therefore everyone will want sex. And then, along comes an asexual.  We don’t fit that pattern.  We don’t make sense in that story.  We weren’t part of what they were told about.  So, they try to make sense of us. We’re not old enough yet:  “You know, I never felt that way about a girl until I was older.  Give it time.” We just haven’t met the right person:  “I wasn’t interested either, until Sally changed my mind.” We’re afraid:  “Yeah, it’s scary, but once you try it, it’s not so bad.” There’s something wrong with us:  “You should want it like I do, so your hormones must be off.” And so on… They try to fit our experience to what they know, but what they know doesn’t include who we are.  They’ve never encountered the possibility of someone who’s naturally disinterested, so they assume that there must be something blocking that interest, something that can be fixed.  Even people who are asexual and simply aren’t aware of the term end up thinking along these same lines, because the story is so prevalent.   I think that the best path to understanding is to simply get the concept out there.  It’ll start to gain greater awareness, and the story will change from “You WILL want sex” to “You’ll probably want sex, but it’s fine if you don’t”.  Then, when an asexual comes along, instead of being treated as a challenge to the True And Accepted Order Of All Things™, the response will be “Okay, got it.”