Maybe I’m Not Really Asexual Because I Haven’t Tried It Yet To Be Sure

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Quite a few people don’t want to call themselves asexual, because they don’t feel they can know for sure until after they try having sex and see how it goes.  There are several ways to address this doubt.

First, you can go through with it.  That would provide a definite answer one way or another.  If you decide to take this route, I would strongly suggest taking steps to ensure that the experience is the best it can be. You will want to be able to view it as a positive learning experience, even if it turns out that sex wasn’t for you after all.  Don’t rush into a situation you know you’ll regret later, just because it’s available.  If there’s anything about a situation that feels off or makes you feel uncomfortable, then don’t do it.  If you’re not into it (or at least consentingly neutral for the sake of experimentation), then you’re pretty much guaranteed to have a terrible experience, and there’s almost certainly nothing magical that’s going to make it all perfect and shiny.  Also, don’t let yourself get caught in the trap of “Maybe next time it’ll be different.”

However, before going that direction, take a step back and think about why you think it might make a difference to try it out.  Many other aces have had sex, and found that it didn’t change anything. And remember that being asexual doesn’t mean you have to dislike sex.  Asexuality is a sexual orientation, not an opinion on sex.  (Although many people do find that asexuality strongly influences their opinion on sex.)

If you feel you have to try it because other people have told you that it’s some sort of test of whether or not you’re truly asexual, well, those other people are wrong.  You don’t have try something to know it’s not your thing.  You don’t have to go skydiving to know you’re not interested, you don’t have to hug a cactus to know it wouldn’t be something you’d find pleasant, you don’t have to get a pet snake to know that reptiles aren’t your deal.  To bring it back to sexual orientations, a person can know for sure that they’re straight without needing to have had gay sex to prove it’s not something they’re into.  Hell, a person can know for sure that they’re straight without even needing to have had straight sex to prove it.  You don’t have to have sex just to prove that it’s not something you’re into.

If you feel you have to try it because you think an orgasm or the physical sensations might change your mind, consider the following:  Having sex is no guarantee of orgasm, and masturbation is an effective and reliable means of obtaining one without needing to involve someone else.  If you’ve never had an orgasm through masturbation, give that a shot first.  Knowing how your body responds and what works will go a long way towards making the experience better if you ever decide to have sex with someone else.  And if you have had an orgasm, do you think it’s going to make that much difference to have someone else involved?  The physical sensations will be about the same, so what do you think the emotional difference will mean to you?  Do you think that will be a clarifying and determinative factor for you?  Do you need to perform a physical act to get that emotional clarity?

If you think that sex is scary or disgusting or there’s some other emotional stoplight in the way, and you feel that having sex might get you past that point to a clear road ahead, stop and take a look at why you look at sex that way.  If you could eliminate whatever it is that’s there, if sex didn’t have that characteristic, would that change the way you feel?  Would you become more interested or would you still probably be ambivalent?  And keep in mind that you don’t have to be asexual just because you’re repulsed or averse towards sex, and you don’t have to be repulsed or averse towards sex just because you’re asexual.  Many people assume that those go hand in hand.  Indeed, for many aces, those feelings are strongly linked.  But you can be one or the other and not need to be both.  It’s possible for a person to be sexually attracted to people, yet also feel that sex is a repulsive, unpleasant act they want nothing to do with.  It’s also possible to be asexual, yet also feel that sex is the best thing since color TV.

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6 thoughts on “Maybe I’m Not Really Asexual Because I Haven’t Tried It Yet To Be Sure

  1. I’ve been here.

    A while ago i had zero interest in sex, and never even felt the desire to sleep with anyone. Obviously, sex-indifferent ace. That was before i knew about the term. But eventually i got curious as to what all the fuss was about. It’s really everywhere. on tv, in movies, in music, etc.

    I was now in the position posted about here. And I made the decision to find out. Unfortunately, the advice of “make sure it’s an idea situation” is not so easy to follow as a guy. I had to take what was available, and that took six MONTHS to find, and she only had sex with me because i was a virgin and she hadn’t had one yet. Not an ideal circumstance, i think you will agree.

    I discovered that the actual activity was quite pleasant. Very much so in fact. i was on cloud nine for an entire month. Had i known of the term then, i would have decided that i wasn’t asexual after all.

    However it turns out that that’s not really true. I still do not feel sexual attraction. Therefore i’m still asexual. I can watch a million women walk by, and still not start feeling the intense desire to do them.

    So here’s the lessons to take home.

    Being free from sexual attraction make things simple. When sex and relationships are not an issue, that’s one distraction you don’t have, and one major life complication you do not have to worry about. You are almost certainly still asexual. If you were not asexual, YOU WOULD KNOW IT. It sounds trite, but it’s true. Trying it to make sure you are asexual is not a good motive.

    While you still have not had any, people may wonder about you. especially if you are a guy, because hey, a man is supposed to want sex. But that pales in comparison for what you have to deal with if you discover that it is both fun and emotionally fulfilling.

    Having discovered that it’s something you want in your life, the real struggle begins. Finding more of it. People who are NOT aromantic have it a bit easier, because the desire for romance can open up the opportunity to get sex. True, things may fall apart after if they discover they are repulsed (which will lead to a big heartbreak) but at least then you only hurt one person and then the question is answered. If repulsion is not there, then a fine relationship has started.

    For those who are (me, for one) it’s a real struggle. If you don’t feel sexually attracted to a woman, or at least romantically inclined to her, then she will more than likely not feel attraction to you. As long as your motive is friendship, this is fine. But if you want to have sex, but don’t feel the desire that normal people do in that circumstance, its creepy as all heck. Either you get permanently friend zoned or gotten rid of like so much trash.

    Non ace women want to be loved. if they don’t want that, then they at least want to be lusted after. When neither is the case, it hurts their self esteem. They feel it’s them, not you, and that they aren’t good enough, which kills off any chance of them wanting you. Which means YOU HAVE TO FAKE IT. Which is difficult because you have nothing to draw on. That ALSO comes across as creepy as well. At that time, the BEST thing that can happen to you is you discovering that sex is still something you will be happy without. If you discover that you still don’t feel sexual attraction afterwards (which is almost certain to be the case) then you have you work really cut out for you.

    From what i understand, the female perspective on this is probably very different. I suggest that one chime in here about it.

    You don’t need to attempt sex to prove your asexuality. And it can open you up to a world of hurt just tying, and even more hurt if you succeed. You have to ask yourself…. Is it worth it?

    • Hi! I’m a 39 year old asexual female. I do agree with you. I know what who I am. I know what I want & what I don’t want without trying it first. I am still a virgin & still don’t think it’ll be worth it to try.

  2. What CAN change after having sex, is your sex-indifferent/sex repulsed status.

    Being sex indifferent is incredibly liberating. A switch to repulsed status generally causes a real ugly breakup and complicates further relationships. The switch to sex-favored/enthused/whatever causes the troubles that i mentioned before.

    On the other hand a switch from sex-repulsed to any other status is usually an improvement. While asexuality is not a choice, sometimes sex-repulsed status can be. It can be born of parenting,conditioning, religious upbringing. Being repulsed by sex until you’ve actually tried it is NOT uncommon. For starters, repulsion before puberty is not uncommon, and often goes away when sexual attraction kicks in during it. But it still may feel wrong because of upbringing. Being repulsed y the idea of masturbation is also not uncommon. and that also fairly often goes away after you try it. It is advisable for anyone who is at all not 100% sure about the repulsed status to give it a try, and confess afterward if you must. if it’s just sex with others that repulses you self love will give you some idea what it’s like, which may change your feelings on it.

    Having changed to sex indifferent, having a lover who is sex favorable is not a problem You can (and probably will) find enjoyment in the pleasure of your partner. This can make you a very attentive lover.

    A switch to favorable is ideal for a non ace, but as i’v explained above can be a problem for aces. Still it’s probably better to enjoy sex and struggle to get it then lose relationships because you are repulsed.

    But as an ace, you don’t really need to change that status.

    TO sum up.
    sex-indifferent to sex repulsed. Probably an improvement.
    sex indifferent to sex-favorable. a big can of worms
    sex-repulsed to sex-indifferent. a big improvement.
    sex-repulsed to sex favored. possibly better, but still a huge can of worms.

  3. Hello! I’ve been reading some of your posts and they’re very interesting and well explained.
    A year and a half ago, I started to question my sexual orientation. I found out I could like someone regardless of their gender, but not want to get involved in sexual activities.
    Ever since, I’ve been on a quest to find what I am, romantically and sexually, which has not been an easy task so far. I’ve settled for saying “I’m just me, and my box is open” box referring to my romantic orientation, for lack of better words to describe it. But for the sexual orientation, I’m still trying to grasp it. Am I asexual? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for quite some time now. I’ve discovered I can get aroused not by persons, but by ideas. The idea of sex scares me, I’m very curious about it and at the same time I don’t want it. I’m not that interested in finding someone, and much less in pursuing sexual intercourse, I very much prefer (love!) the idea of a platonic relationship over a sexual and romantic one, but don’t feel like I’m asexual. I’m just mostly confused. I wish I wouldn’t experience any sexual feeling of any sort, just be like a plant, because I don’t like sexual things, but I don’t want to feel into the trap of thinking “I wished this or that” because I can’t change what I feel and what my body feels.
    So, I’m glad to have found this blog because you answer a lot of questions I have, and even if as you say I don’t have identify to what you say, or I can identify and not be ace, it’s of great help to me.
    Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with us, have and awesome day/night.

  4. Hello! I’ve been reading your posts. I am an ace female. I know who I am & what I want and don’t want. In May I’ll be celebrating my 40year old virgin birthday & all of my ace friends are welcome to join me in the cake posts on this website. I’ll be in there, posting about my birthday.

  5. “If you could eliminate whatever it is that’s there, if sex didn’t have that characteristic, would that change the way you feel? Would you become more interested or would you still probably be ambivalent?”

    If sex didn’t involve the genitals, then yes… hahaha!

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