Q: Do you ever have sexual fantasies? If so, do you design them or are they subconsiously-sourced or are they the work of other people (a la pornography)? Do you find them arousing, enjoyable, and/or annoying?
Not really, but I have tried. I’ve never really been all that successful.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a natural fantasy that just came out of nowhere. It’s always been something that I’ve deliberately had to think about.
“I am going to have a fantasy now. I am going to imagine a sexual situation. I am going to imagine another sexual situation. I am going to imagine… Damn it, I lost my place and have to start over.”
Yeah, like I said, not very successful.
It takes a lot of mental effort to try to conjure up a fantasy and keep it going. The more complicated and detailed it is, the more difficult it is. With all the effort involved, it typically ends up more distracting than arousing. Typically, I can only manage a few seconds at a time, so it’s just not worth it.
It was always strange to me to hear people claim that masturbation required sexual fantasy, because I managed just fine without them.
I can never mentally put myself into a pornographic scene. It just doesn’t work that way for me at all. I can’t imagine myself involved in that way.
I have sexual fantasies about OTHER people, always fictive, like characters in a book or a TV show. Usually my own characters (I’m a writer). That can get me very aroused and I have no problem keeping up with the fantasy, sometimes I’ve even managed to masturbate to it, but when it gets serious I forget about the fantasy and focus on me.
But I would NEVER fantasize about myself in a sexual context (or any other context for that matter), and I could NEVER fantasise about someone I know IRL och who does actually exist (like a celebrity). It has to be fiction and very far from me (that’s why I imagine two guys, I’m a homoromantiv girl, so there’s no way I can confuse it with myself).
I’ve found the term aegosexual, as in a-ego, not me-sexual. However I don’t know if I’m “allowed” to call myself asexual? I’ve never experienced sexaul attraction in real life and my only motivation to sex is to try it once so I know what everyone is talking about. Lately I’ve questioned that though, and the things I’ve done with my ex girlfriend its enough for me to know that I wouldn’t get any personal gain from it. It’s just something you’re supposed to do when you’re in a relationship.
So, I’m a bit labelly confused… I’ve called myself lesbian, but I’m not very good at the sexpart. I’ve called myself asexual, but I’m not very good at the anti-sex part. And aegosexual is so fucking rare as a term so no one will ever understand it, and I feel it’s kind of private any way. So I say I’m a homoromantic asexual, subgroup aegosexual. Don’t know if I’m “allowed” to, but I think that’s what fits me best.
However I’ve been very ashamed of my fantasies, as I am kind of asexual, and then you’re not supposed to fantasize, right?
God, I don’t know what I’m writing any more, I’m just confused and scared that I can’t call myself what I want to call myself, because I never fit any clear cut definititions. I’m such a fucking unicorn…
Fyi, being asexual doesn’t mean you’re anti sexual. I just means you lack the attraction or desire for partnered sexual activity. There are sex positive aces. I’m more toward indifferent myself.
Thank you for your reply. I’ve grown used to the label asexual, and actually feel comfortable with it now. I guess it takes some time to accept it. Now all that remains is finding an other asexual lesbian – but I do have a contact online that seems promising… So I keep my fingers crossed!
I know this comment os over a year old now but I just have to tell you that reading your post was almost like looking into a mirror.
I am the same with fantasizing about fictional characters if I fantasize about anything at all and the thought of inserting myself or somebody I know into these fantasies makes me feel uneasy.
The only difference is that I had a hetero relationship with a boy in the past.
Anyway, I’m glad that I’m not the only person who feels this way because, to be honest, I am struggling with myself if I would be considered ace or demi or whatever because I just don’t know where to put these fantasies. in the whole thing.
I’m also very glad to not be the only one to feel this way! It makes it more legitimate for me. I honestly think a lot of people feel this way, both asexuals and more sexual people.
And as I said to Ummm further down the comment field – make the definition yours! I have no idea what sexual attraction feels like, so I can’t know for sure I don’t feel it, but I don’t feel what I think it “should” feel like. And I don’t want to have sex. And that’s all I can go on. So I call myself asexual, and I’ll seek an asexual girlfriend (or someone that’s okay with no sex, which some lesbians actually are, to my great delight!). I honestly think fantasies is a more private, and very different, thing than attraction, so it doesn’t make you more or less asexual. Choose the definition you see fit, or don’t label yourself at all. Then there’s always the grey area that’s very welcoming to everyone confused :-)
All the best!
I fantasize about my imaginery characters too but never ever put myself into a situation like that. And even for the sex part, I can’t even imagine it very vividly. I’m actually mostly happy with sensual touches between my imaginary characters and that’s all. And they are not even human. Lol. Just some hot detailed anime characters. I’m a writer myself and an aspiring animator (someday). I’ve never dated or ever had any crush on anyone but my characters are hetero so I think I’m hetero aegosexual… I guess. Thanks for enlightening me that that term exists. I was really confused if some people fantasized like I do and if they do, what it is called. Haha
I also fantasize about my characters having sex as a writer, but it doesn’t arouse me it’s almost in artistic appreciation of the idea of sex if that makes any sense.
I’ve called myself bisexual for years now, and I’ve had relationships with both boys and girls. Most of them have been with people much more experienced than me- in one case the guy pressured me into having sex and giving him a handjob twice and in another, my (current) girlfriend and I have seen each other shirtless and gotten pretty sexual at some points. And I don’t know if I experienced any attraction… with my bf I know I never did because I was never that into him. With my girlfriend I enjoyed the intimacy because I really liked her, but I didn’t get wet and I didn’t have the urge to go any farther. I can mastubate to porn/novels but whenever I try imagining myself in those scenarios, the feeling dies immediately.
I’m doubtful because I’ve hit puberty but there’s the possibility that I’ll experience more attraction when I’m older… (let’s just say I’m under 20). There were also romantic relationships in my past that gave me some trust/self-esteem issues so could my lack of arousal (while being IN a sexual situation) be due to fear? I feel like even with fear, I’d feel something….
I’m not sure. Any advice?
I can with certainty say things can change when you’re young. I didn’t experience sexual arousal at all until I was 21. (I was very ill in my teens, so probably that’s why, but still.)
I also believe that self esteem-issues, depression, past traumas can affect it, but I have to say – why not call yourself something that fits right now? No matter what’s caused it, if it’s you in yourself or something a certain experience has brought on, if it fits now, why not name it properly? You can always “rename” it when you get older or things change.
Since I wrote my first comment I’ve become a lot more comfortable in the asexual label, including coming out to my close family members and my closest friends. If I don’t feel, what I interpret it as, sexual attraction, then I will call myself asexual.
Also I’d say it’s a spectrum (the grey area), and that different activities means different things for everyone. When I was shirtless and made out with my girlfriend I enjoyed it, it was intimate and close and cozy. I didn’t get aroused, but it was warm and soft and nice. I don’t think that makes me less asexual, it was just a way of showing affection for me. Some asexuals can’t even kiss people, whereas I love that. But sex is a whole other chapter for me.
Basically, make the definition yours. And use what fits right now, you can’t tell what you’ll feel in the future, so why include it in your label now? But also be aware that things can change.
All the best!
All the best to my ace friends! I can fantasize, but I keep it clean. Nothing X-rated. I like to write, so I’ve always had a wild imagination anyway. But I, myself, am not in these fantasies. It’s all just fictional characters, like reading a book, or watching a movie.