(For most women, most girls, and anyone else who happens to have a clitoris and/or vagina.)
Between your legs, right where they meet your body, you’ll encounter a kinda squishy area that’s full of folds of skin and flaps of various sizes. That area is your vulva, and that’s where we’ll start our tour. Contained within are a number of points of interest. Sometimes the whole area is mistakenly called the vagina, but that is actually just one of many things in the area.
First, you’ll encounter the flaps of skin known as the labia. These act as a sort of covering for everything else that’s down there. The thicker outer lips are called the labia majora, while the thinner inner lips are the labia minora. They vary in shape and size from person to person. Yours may be small and tuck themselves away between the outer folds of skin or yours may be large flaps of skin that stick out or yours may be somewhere in between. In many cases, one side might be larger than the other, and the thickness of the ridge may not be the same for the entire length. The labia are often a different color than the rest of the skin in the area.
If you venture between the labia, you’ll find a tunnel leading inward. This is the vagina, also sometimes called the “pussy”. It probably feels somewhat smooth and slimy, and is a bit stretchy. Should you ever find yourself pregnant, the vagina was likely involved in that process somehow, and will likely be involved when the baby decides it’s time to get out and face the world. At the far end of your vagina is your uterus, also known as “Aunt Flo’s Apartment”, where she lives and prepares for her monthly visits.
Along the forward wall of the vagina, several inches in, you may encounter an area that’s slightly harder and ridged. This is known as the G-spot. Although you may be touching it right this very second, many scientists (most of whom do not have a vagina) continue to debate its existence.
As you turn around and exit the vagina, you may come across an elastic ring of skin surrounding the outer opening. Or you may not. Either way, this is called the hymen and has absolutely no bearing on who you are or how you’ve lived your life, despite what other misguided people may claim. The hymen has no practical use, and, if it’s even noticed at all, it’s largely known for being a painful nuisance if you choose to put anything inside your vagina. In rare cases, the hymen covers the opening of the vagina, a condition that typically requires medical attention.
Okay, now that you’re back on the surface, head toward the front of your body, but stay between the labia. Where the two sides of the labia come together, you’ll find a nubby thing hiding up there. That’s your clitoris. It’s probably not as prominent as some of the other bits and pieces around. In some cases, people may not even know it’s down there until someone points it out. However, it’s actually one of the most important bits down there and is usually well worth making friends with.
The size of the clitoris can vary greatly from person to person. Yours may be the size of a grain of rice or may be two inches long. The size of your clitoris has very little effect on what can be done with it. Sometimes, the clitoris may change size and get harder. This is called an erection.
Surrounding it is a loose bit of skin known as the clitoral hood. In many cases, your clitoris is a bit shy and will often hide underneath the hood, only occasionally peeking out now and then. The bit of the clit that sticks out on the surface is called the glans. Under the surface, your clitoris has two legs which extend back and reach alongside the vagina.
In between the vagina and the clitoris, you may have come across a small lump with a hole in it, somewhere in the smooth skin that’s down there. That hole is your urethra, and it’s where pee comes out. Pee does not come from the vagina, unlike what some people believe. Furthermore, some people (people who have not taken this tour or have not consulted a road map of the area) may confuse the urethra with the clitoris. Let me tell you, that’s just a recipe for disappointment.
Let’s head outside and take a look back at the vulva as a whole. You may have noticed a forest of short, curly hairs surrounding the area. These are pubic hairs, also known as the “bush”. The area that they cover and their density varies greatly from person to person. For some people, the hair is limited to a small area immediately outside the labia. In others, the hair will live around the vulva as well as in a tuft on the mound that sits in front of the vulva. In still others, the hair is thickest around the vulva and the mound, but may spread upward and start a colony around the navel. Sometimes the color of pubic hair may not match the color of the hair elsewhere on your body. In some cases, people shave some or all of this hair away for various reasons. According to scientists, the only known purpose of pubic hair is to be particularly repulsive when found in a hotel room.
If you travel back from the vulva, you’ll encounter another hole. This one is known as the anus, and it’s where poop comes out. There isn’t much else here, so let’s keep moving.
We’re now leaving the lower reaches and heading up to your chest. On your chest, you’ll probably find a pair of small nubs of skin, known as nipples. The nipples may be surrounded by round bits of darker skin, which may or may not have hairs protruding from it. Occasionally, the nipples will tighten up and get harder and stick out.
In many cases, the nipples live on squishy bags of fat called breasts, also known as “boobs” or “tits”. Your breasts may range in size from completely flat to protruding a foot from the surface of your chest. While they occasionally provide food for babies, most of the time, the breasts have no practical use and may just be in the way. Despite their general lack of utility, they are inexplicably one of the most obsessed about body parts.
It is, however, not obsessive to learn how to give yourself a breast self exam. A breast self exam will check for lumps that may be related to breast cancer. (Just do an Internet search for instructions. The phrase “breast self exam” generally leads to a fairly safe, medically oriented set of results.)
This concludes the tour.
(You will notice that the tour did not stop at the magic orgasm button. That’s because there’s no such place. If you want an orgasm, you’re going to have to work for it. More on that later.)