Q: Well this is kinda weird to ask but it’s more for advice. I’m a teen girl who has has crushes in the past and the thing is that even though I crush on guys the thought of sex repulses me. I’ve been told multiple times I’ll grow out of it but at this point I’m 16 and nothing’s changed. Do you think I may be asexual?
I’m not terribly good at advice…
Asexuality is about a lack of sexual attraction, not about feeling repulsed by sex. Certainly, there are many sex-repulsed aces (and many of them cite their repulsion as being a strong factor in why they identify as asexual), but there are also many sex-repulsed non-aces. Sex repulsion alone is not the determining factor of asexuality. I’ve heard of people who thought they were asexual because of strong repulsion, but once they separated their repulsion from attraction, or overcame their repulsion in some way, they realized that they were actually sexually attracted to people, it’s just that the repulsion was masking it.
So, the question really boils down to attraction. Are you sexually attracted to these guys? If you could remove whatever negative feelings you have about the act from the picture, how would you feel?
Also, have you looked into romantic attraction or romantic/affectional orientations at all? You might want to read up on them and see if that helps you sort things out.
On the other point: By 16, the “you’ll grow out of it” argument is pretty weak. Pretty much everyone who’s going to feel sexual attraction would have felt it by then. Certainly, it can’t be ruled out, but it’s unlikely.
This is very helpful for me (this website as a whole and this bit in particular), yet I have one standing question. Um, I know you (yous? Isk who actually writes this…) are asexual, but maybe you can help anyway? Sorry, I am so awkward. Okay, so how can I tell if what I feel is sexual attraction, versus appreciation? Like, I know who looks pretty to me, and who is attractive, but I don’t know if they are attractive to me?? Gah, I don’t know. Like, dang, they look good. But I don’t know that sex thoughts actually apply?
Sorry, this was probably just confusing. Thanks for any help you can give. :)
I’m suuuuper late to this party, so maybe you’ve already figured this out, but if you haven’t, maybe my perspective will help?
I identify as a heteroromantic ace, and for quite awhile I assumed that I couldn’t be ace because I have crushes on men (and because I have a libido, although that’s a whole separate deal). I think it’s fair to say that distinguishing aesthetic attraction and romantic attraction from sexual attraction is kind of hard, especially when allosexuals generally treat them all as a package deal and, as a (potential) ace, you may not have any idea what the latter even feels like. For me, there are a couple of things that I think differentiate my romantic and/or aesthetic attraction from other people’s sexual attraction. One is that I can think a guy is super nice to look at, but the thought of seeing his dick is more uncomfortable than exciting. Another is that while I have sexual fantasies sometimes, they’re never about other people, real or imagined, and usually any other participant is sort of faceless and undefined beyond whatever he’s doing to my body. Also, this may not be true for all aces, but I find that sexual activities (especially kissing) have absolutely no emotional resonance to me. I once had this whole conversation with my (straight) sister about what kissing feels like to allosexuals, and the only way I was able to make sense of it was by relating it to how I feel about hugs (you know how hugging generally feels sort of emotionally warm and fuzzy in addition to the physical sensation? I guess kissing is sort of like that to allos). The fact that kissing my (pretty wonderful) boyfriend is mostly just sort of slimy and awkward, and that cuddling feels like a much more genuine expression of love to me than making out, is sort of a big indicator.
I hope that helped some. It is legitimately a super confusing issue, so you shouldn’t feel bad about not having it totally figured out. Also, whatever terms you end up deciding describe your sexuality best, ace or allo or grey or something else entirely, you are totally fine just the way you are. Do your best not to stress out about how you’re “supposed” to be; life is so much more enjoyable when you learn to accept yourself for who you are.
I think I mostly figured out that I’ve mostly felt aesthetic attraction, with some possible romantic. I have a similar “no thank you” emotions when thinking about seeing other people’s body parts. ;) I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction often, so I’ve decided to identify as ace and grey-romantic (though I’m not 100% sure on that). I’ve otherwise decided to go “eh” on the rest, and not study it too deeply, because it is just more confusing than I need, when I have an identity that works for me.
I really appreciate you reaching out!! Thank you so much for taking the time!