How Old Do You Have To Be To Know You’re Asexual?

Old enough to say “I’m asexual”.

There’s no minimum age for asexuality, just like there’s no minimum age for any other sexual orientation.  You never hear anyone say “Well, you’re only 15, so just to be safe, you might want to give it a few more years to see before you rule out bisexuality.  You never know when some hot guy might catch your eye!”  That would be ridiculous.

Presumably, by the time someone is at the point where they’re comfortable with identifying as asexual, they’ve spent some time thinking about it.  They’ve gone through the process of realizing that they’re different from their friends and wondering why they’re not as interested in sex as everyone else around them.  They’ve spent long hard hours questioning themselves, trying to figure out who they are.

29 thoughts on “How Old Do You Have To Be To Know You’re Asexual?

  1. Read several of your posts so far, and thank you so much for creating this archive! Your posts encourage me and help me a lot.
    ~17 y.o. girl who struggles w/ (a)sexual identity

    • ^ also 17, also struggling, also incredibly grateful for this archive; before reading anything like this, I always felt so alone, and stuff like this helps so much :)

  2. I found this website a couple months ago while trying to figure out my sexuality. I had had one boyfriend and he was always going on about sex, and I just didn’t see the appeal. My friends told me that that was normal, he was just a hormonal teenage boy and I wasn’t, but it didn’t fit right. Everyone else around me was comfortable talking about sex and saying “dude I would totally bang him/her” and I’m just like “…what? Why? That seems so painful…?” Now while I am really young (15) I still feel vastly different about sex than the rest of my friends. It is because of your website that I have been able to get through these past few months, which were filled with self-doubt and always being told that I just am too young to be saying I might be asexual. So just…Thank you

    • Julia, I feel for you hun. I myself am extremely confused with my aromantic/asexual feelings. Trying to even being to explain this to my school friends is so hard (15 y.o also) and it’s so comforting to know that there are other people walking the same road. The age things is such a big problem, but if you feel like this is who you are don’t let anyone make you feel like suppressing it. Or “coming out” either. I myself have kept most of the people I know in the dark, purely because I don’t feel the need to. I don’t want to stand out for my feelings about fucking and i don’t think anyone does.

      Sorry for the whole speech thing, but I know what its like. I myself tried to explain to my close friends and they shrugged it off, saying I wouldn’t know till I tried. I hope people won’t do that to you. Thank you for showing me Im not alone, I hope i did the same.

    • Thank you guys so much for talking about this. I am in the EXACT SAME situations as you guys, and I am always filled with doubts for reasons including(but not limited to) society, peer pressure, and the fact that my parents don’t even think that asexuality is a thing. They are very accepting of the idea of LGBT and believe that all people should be treated equal, but even if I said that I was a lesbian, they would tell me that I was “too young to know” and “these things are complicated” and “someday you’ll know when you find the right person, but right now you’re not done blooming”(actual quotes from conversations where I suggested my asexuality). For so long I had though that I was weird or broken because the thought of touching or sex made me feel so uncomfortable. I would see a boy and be like, “What should I be feeling right now and is he thinking about sex and some day am I going to have sex with a boy like him and now I am extremely aware of how babies are made and how should I feel and OH CRAP HE LOOKED AT ME!” I just see someone and I don’t want to kiss them but I want to be their friend and have an extremely close bond, is there something wrong with me because I just want a really good friend?Anyways I found out about asexuality from my bisexual friend and now I’m just trying to figure myself out. I really appreciate everyone being able to talk about their feelings on here.

      • No it’s perfectly normal and I feel the same way. Most of my friends gush about boys and talk about them and all that good stuff but most people just feel the need to connect with someone and form a bond with them. Like a really awesome best friend

      • Thank you so much for posting that comment, I’m glad others understand and have the same feelings. Always wondered why I never got the “butterflies in my stomach” when I saw a “hot guy” and I’ve always felt slightly awkward when asked by my friends if there were any “cute boys” in my classes.

        I also found the word for the intense friendship urge (don’t worry I get that too) it’s called a “squish”!

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    • I’m glad I’m not the only one! I’m fourteen and I’ve just found the term asexual. There’s all these people on about how they were 18/19/early 20s and I’m just like “I’m fourteen….”
      I’m not 100% sure what I am yet though, I know I’m not cis and I’m not straight (or gay). I’m definitely under the ace umbrella somewhere…

      • I’m 14 also, it’s nice to see I’m not the only one, I worry that I’m going to fast and that I might just be to young , but I don’t know

        • I’m also fourteen and I have not felt any sexual attraction, and maybe I will feel it later, but I think most fourteen year olds feel sexual attraction, right? It’s really hard to get people to talk to me about stuff like this.

          • I’ve found the exact same thing, I’m the same age and I’m not sure if later I’m going to feel sexual attraction, like, maybe I just haven’t found the right person yet? But I also find it hard to get people to talk to me about it. It’s like, do I just go up to my friends and be like, “So, do any of you guys wanna bang someone yet?” I’m glad to know there’s other people who find the same thing :)

    • I am also 13 (almost 14) and this site made me feel a lot better. I know I’m young but I know who I am and what I’m not interested in. I’ve been told I’m “still young,” and to “give it a few years,” but I know in my heart that I’m asexual. I’m not interested in sex. I fantasize about holding hands with or hugging my crush. That’s the extent my brain can comprehend. I’m not curious or aroused by sex scenes on tv, I feel nervous and uncomfortable.

    • Omg YES. I get you. Im 14, and I believe im Ace. I feel like it really fits me, but im super scared i’ll change later on??
      Gah, I dont know.

      • I think I am somewhere along the asexual spectrum, but I am 15 and have never been in a relationship. I don’t find the idea of sex particularly omigoodness!! Yeeep! or whatever, but I wonder if I am too young to have those types of sexual feelings. Ugh I just wanna know and be able to identify with a group and go on with my life!!

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  5. Honestly, Im afraid about whether or not this applies to me. I’m 14, and I told my mom about feeling ace literally just a day ago, and her initial reaction was just ‘no’.
    We talked longer and it turns out she just misunderstood the definition but she still think of ne not to go around telling everybody, comparing me to another friend who came out as bi and basically made it a big deal and was a show off and kinda used it to get more attention. She also said that she was the same way until 16.
    All of this was really hurtful to me because I’ve always had issues with feeling inadequate and dumb and foolish/ feeling like a kid/ feeling like I’m doing things for show/ etc, and now she’s made me feel like I am rushing into things and that I never should have told her at all and that I’m just an idiot trying to make myself seem more interesting. This last part isn’t my intent at all (I diidnt even want to tell anyone other than Her and one close friend) but now I just feel ashamed and like I want to erase that conversation altogether.
    So I don’t know if I even should call mysrlf ace, or if I am ace, or if I’m going to grow out of it right away anyway.
    I didn’t really mean to dump all of my problems out here, I just wish I knew what to do.

    • Wow. We almost seem to be in the same situation. I have issues with my feelings and I get horribly confused with them. However, I’m almost certain I’m ace (though I have doubts once in awhile). I’m almost fourteen as well. I’ve told my best friend I’m ace and I can tell she doesn’t understand it, but she’s trying to be nice about it. I told my older sister and she’s said that I was too young. I am not a late bloomer. I have almost no sex drive and I’ve already had my period (I don’t know if you have periods or not). I’m no late bloomer nor is any other woman in my family. I know that I’m asexual. It just pisses me off when people tell me I’m fake. I have only told two people; my sister and my best friend. If I were you, I wouldn’t tell many people of your sexual orientation (whatever it may be) at the age of thirteen. Realize that your sexuality may possibly change. It might not. Now, asexuality means that you have no sexual interest in other people. Have you looked at a specific person and thought to your self, “That person is so hot I need to have sex with them?” If not, your asexual. You can still finding people beautiful and cute. You can have a desire to kiss people but have no sexual intention of it and still be aseuxal. Realize asexuality is a spectrum as well.. Have you only experienced sexual attraction rarely? Gray-a of gray-asexual would be the label for you. Have you developed sexual interest on people you know well like a close friend or best friend? Demisexual would be the label for you. You can call yourself asexual, even if you’re demisexual or gray-asexual. Also understand the difference between romantic, sensual, sexual, and aesthetic attraction. I used to think I was homosexual or bi until I learned what sensual attraction was. Whether you experience any romantic, sensual, asthetic, or sexual attraction, I’m not sure. Only you can decide for yourself what label you want/feel comfortable with (and you don’t have to label yourself at all). If you feel uncomfortable with a label, research online until you find one you feel comfortable with. You can be a sexual person but have no romantic attraction.You can have no romantic attraction (aromantic) and sexual and be very nice. You can have romantic feelings as an asexual and it can be of any label combination. For example, I researched and research until I found out I was a demi-homoromantic asexual. That means I’m asexual and I develop romantic feelings for people of my same gender but I need to know them well (like they have to be my best friend or a close friend). I decided my romantic orientation off of one crush. You can do that. This is long, but I’m saying research is your friend here. Look up the terms I mentioned on Google if you don’t understand them. Look up labels name and their meaning. Understand what a crush is, what certain attractions are, if there’s exceptions, etc. If you don’t feel comfortable with a label, keep researching until you find one that suits you. The label you choose can change and that’s fine. Being demiromantic/demisexual requires some observations and a little experimenting. You can be panromantic asexual and that’s fine! You choose what you label as. Good luck in finding your sexual orientation. It took me a year and a half to find a comfortable label but I found one. If you don’t want to share to, don’t. Best of luck. :D

  6. I’m really glad this post is here. It made me feel much better about calling myself ace. I just turned fourteen a few days ago, and I’ve been pondering my sexuality for about a year. I’ve been a bit different from my friends for a while, enough so that when a friend asked me who I thought was the hottest in a TV show we watched, I pointed at myself and said, “Think about who you’re talking to.” and we giggled and moved on.
    I really feel like I have a few friends who will understand, and definetely a family who will understand, since I have an openly ace sister, and I feel super lucky because of that.

    • UPDATE: A friend of mine came out to me as ace. I was so relieved, and I came out to her as well. It turns out she’d only heard the term in passing, so I referred her to this website and she said it helped her A LOT. So, thanks for making this awesome website!

  7. I’m thirteen and I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I don’t know if I’m asexual because I know I’m young but I don’t know how other people think and I don’t know if they think about sex yet. And it’s also confusing because I do like people and I’d be fine kissing them but I don’t really wanna have sex because it grosses me out. This page kinda helped because now I know that other people are in the same boat as me, but I’m still really confused

  8. I’m 14, and I’m very much confused at the moment. My friends talk about sex a lot, and I usually just roll my eyes at them, because it doesn’t interest me at all. And a couple of times it has ended with one of my friends going “You’re not enjoying the conversation! Are you asexual or something?” The first few times I just shrugged it off, but recently I just went “huh”, because now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever been sexually attracted to anyone. Curious, I asked my friends, if given the chance, would they have sex with a person of their choosing. The answers ranged from “yes” to “I want to, but I don’t think I’m ready yet”. But I wouldn’t and I don’t even want to. I’ve experienced romantic attraction plenty of times (I’m quite sure I’m biromantic) and I’m very much into cuddling and kissing and all that jazz, but sex just seems very “meh” to me. I do find people aesthetically attractive, but I’ve never looked at someone and thought “wow, please do me” So, now I’m here. I’ve read some pretty resssuring things, and I think I might be ace after all, but I’ll have to give it some more thought. However, it’s nice to see there’s other people who feel the same way :)

  9. This website is an eye opener. I at 35, after many doctor appointments and counseling sessions, have just recently stumbled across this. I had no idea this was even a thing! All I knew is I dont really care for sex at all to the dismay of my partner. I have spent so many years thinking I am broken. I really wish even one of the many doctors or therapists would have said “Hey, have you ever heard about this?” It would have saved so much stress and time.

  10. Honestly I’ve been looking into this for a while, and I seem to be asexual and if not I’m definitely graysexual. Yet for some reason, I still feel like I’m rushing into it just so I can say “oh I’m ace you know” but I suppose this does help me feel better

  11. I’m sure there’s a possibility I’ll grow out of this, I’m only fifteen, but I’ve felt strongly about this since I was a young child…….I just didn’t know there was a word for it. People were thinking it would “hit me” at some point, but years have gone by and whenevereserved anyone asks me who I think is “hot” or what I would want in a romantic partner, I have nothing. I keep telling myself that I’m still super young and people don’t develope those kinds of feelings until much later…….but it kinda hit me when I was thirteen turning fourteen and my friend just told me ” You know that normal people at your age are dating, right?”. I I was just thinking………..”what?”. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer, but I try to picture myself in a romanticouple or sexual relationship (not even now, but years down the road) and I just can’t. When I was 13, and I still didn’t know there was a word for Asexual, my mother took my to get inoculations for a sexual transmitted diseas. And I just said, kind of without thinking, “I don’t need it, I’m never going to have sex”. She replied something sarcastic about me being a “Virgin princess”, and I felt like an idiot. Sorry this is long.

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