The theme for this month’s Carnival of Aces is on asexuality and mental health. Now, ordinarily, I don’t have much to say about the topic of mental health. I’ve never been to a therapist. And that whole undiagnosed lethargic fog of depression or anxiety or whatever it is that’s going on, well, I never have much to say about that, primarily because it won’t let me say anything about it other than recurring vague posts about how I should do things that I never end up doing. But this month, one of the subprompts was to talk about eating disorders and asexuality. Now that is something I can talk about.
But before I begin, a bit of housekeeping…
Because I’m going to be talking about a topic outside of my regular subject matter, I expect this post will get some readers who are not all that familiar with asexuality. So, what is asexuality? It’s a sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction to any gender. Essentially, it’s the “none of the above” option on the sexual orientation form. You can learn more about it on this site, or over at WhatIsAsexuality.com.
And second, I am not implying that asexuality is related to any eating disorders, nor am I implying that any eating disorders are related to asexuality. I’m going to be talking about both here, and how they impact my life and how that impact is similar in some ways, but I don’t want to give the impression that I think they’re connected to each other. I also want to make clear that I’m speaking for myself here.
Also, this post is a bit… venting and angry… disordered and unfocused… That’s by design. This isn’t meant to be an in-depth exploration of what asexuality and ARFID are, or a detailed survey of the way people experience them. This is about me. And I’m angry and unfocused about this topic.
And now, the main event…
As you’re probably aware, I’m not really part of the sex fandom, as some have put it. But you may not know that I’m also not really part of the food fandom, either. I have something called “ARFID”, which stands for Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. This used to be called “SED”, or Selective Eating Disorder, but I think they changed the name because it’s less about selecting food and more about avoiding it. ARFID isn’t like one of the eating disorders you’re probably thinking of, like anorexia or bulimia, where weight or body image is at its core. Instead, it’s more of a fear of most foods, or a sense that most foods are disgusting. It’s not a matter of “I don’t really like tacos”, it’s more a matter of “Tacos are not food and that substance is not going anywhere near my mouth so don’t even try it.”
People with ARFID typically have a very limited range of foods they’ll eat. And it’s not “These are my favorite things so I eat them all the time”, either. It’s “These are the only things I am able to eat.” Things like grilled cheese sandwiches, plain pasta, macaroni and cheese, or pizza with limited or no toppings are some common (though not universal) safe foods. Sometimes it can even be very specific brands or restaurants, even though the foods are fundamentally similar between them. Like, I can’t explain why, but I love Arby’s roast beef sandwiches, but a roast beef sandwich anywhere else is not gonna happen. And it’s not always about taste. It can be about texture or presentation or some inexplicable aura of loathing. For instance, I can eat orange flavored candy and drink orange juice (no pulp), but if I try to eat an actual orange slice, my body will physically shut down in response. Rationally, I know that it tastes like orange, and I can tolerate the taste of orange (not my favorite, but it’s doable), but when I get in that situation, OH HELL NO AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN. And then I have no problem eating apples.
So, what does this have to do with asexuality? Well… Nothing. And everything.
Sex and food are two pillars that society constantly swirls around. They form the basis for the enjoyment of life for many people. Often the two are intermingled in some way (see: Hooters). And both of them are things that I am not into and that I cannot understand other people’s obsession with. But that means that I can see similarities between them, how society looks at them, and how other people treat aces and people with ARFID. That’s what this post is going to explore.
“Just try it! Maybe you’ll like it!”
This phrase is the bane of aces and … um … ARFIDers? When I talk about this in regards to asexuality, I usually make some comment about Green Eggs and Ham. In fact, my copy of Green Eggs and Ham is in with the asexuality books on my bookshelf for this very reason. But in the context of ARFID, that literally is what the plot of that book is about. Some guy does not want to eat something disgusting and gets harassed by a stranger for over 50 pages about it.
The worst part about the book is that at the end, he tries the green eggs and ham and he likes them and starts eating it on boats with goats. And so everyone thinks that’s how it works. You just try something strange and alien and you discover how fabulous it really is, and then you go around holding up signs and riding vaguely dog-like creatures and shouting at people just trying to read the newspaper about how wonderful this thing you tried is. And you shove it in their face to convince them how great it is. But that’s not how it works. That’s not how it ever works.
When I tried sex, I found it mostly boring and dull. It wasn’t some earth-rattling, life-changing transformative experience. It was repetitive, I had an orgasm, and what’s the big deal? Trying it didn’t make me like it, and certainly didn’t make me want to ride around on a dog-thing and shout at people about how great it is. But when it comes to food, it is a totally different story. New food is a nightmare. Always. It never works out. The process is something like this:
- Inexplicably decide that Food Item X is something I might actually be able to eat, despite all past experiences to the contrary.
- Food Item X sits in my freezer for weeks while I work up the courage to give it a go. 50% of new items stay at this stage until there’s an annual freezer cleaning and they get thrown out without being opened.
- I tentatively prepare Food Item X, according to its instructions.
- Food Item almost always looks or smells repulsive in some way and I wonder what in the hell I’m doing.
- I get the appropriate utensil and use it to acquire a small portion of Food Item X.
- I stare at the small portion of Food Item X on the utensil. I am paralyzed, unable to move. I typically remain in this state for ten minutes. 50% of the items which have made it this far are discarded at this point.
- I eventually work up the nerve and overcome the paralysis just enough to try tasting Food Item X.
- Food Item X is as terrible as expected. 100% of the items which reach this phase are discarded.
- I feel terrible for wasting that food.
- I feel terrible for wasting the time and energy to prepare that food.
- I feel terrible for having to waste more time and energy to prepare something else that I can eat.
- I feel terrible for generally being a failure of a carbon-based biological engine.
- And, in some cases, I feel physically terrible because Food Item X made me physically ill in some way. Sometimes for hours.
That is what happens when I “just try it”. EVERY. DAMN. TIME. So fuck you, Sam I Am. Take your signs and your weird dog thing and leave me the hell alone.
“You’re missing out!”
No. No, I’m not.
You might think that sushi is the best thing since sex or that sex is the best thing since sushi, and that there’s no way my life can be complete unless I enjoy those things equally as much as you do. But I assure you, I am not missing out on either sex or sushi. I’m not interested in those things.
We do not all have to have the same preferences. I really enjoy playing Rayman 2 for the Nintendo 64, but at the same time, I can accept that you might be living a happy and fulfilled life even if you haven’t played it. If you express an interest in video games, I might suggest that you play it. But if you tell me that you’re not interested in video games or that 3D games make you sick, I’m not going to insist that you are missing out on a fundamental piece of the human experience if you don’t play it.
So you keep your sex and your sushi and I’ll keep my Rayman 2, deal?
“It’s Just A Phase”
One of the more common dismissals of both asexuality and ARFID is that “it’s just a phase”. “You’ll grow out of it.” The idea being that pretty much everyone isn’t interested in sex or is a picky eater when they’re a kid, and that everyone will grow into a fully-developed, sex-loving, haggis-eating adult in time.
I’m pretty sure I’m old enough to know that I’m not going to start craving sexy times or Thai curry any time soon. And you should probably believe me about that.
The insidious corollary to this is that it makes people like me out to be immature and childish and objects of worthy of ridicule.
“Well, I Don’t Like XYZ Sometimes, Either”
People use this line about both sex and eating. Sometimes it’s a matter of dismissal, a way of saying “Oh, everyone’s like that, you don’t need a word for it”. Those people can just go stand on an anthill. I’m not going to waste time talking about what’s wrong with that kind of thinking. But sometimes it’s a matter of attempted sympathy, like they’re saying “well, I understand where you’re coming from, because I’m like that, too.”
Except… No, you don’t understand me.
You think sex with your husband is boring once in a while. Great. That doesn’t mean you understand what it’s like to be constantly bombarded with messages about how great sex is and how everyone loves it and should do it all the time and end up feeling broken because you can’t relate to that at all.
You don’t like lasagna. Great. That doesn’t mean you understand what it’s like to be hungry because you’re on vacation and there is literally nothing you are capable of eating at any of the restaurants in the town you’re in.
Pretty much everyone has food that they find disgusting and refuse to eat. (In fact, most people have a very limited diet, compared to what’s available in the world.) Pretty much everyone has some sexual act that they’re not into. (In fact, the majority of people automatically rule out about half of the sexual activities they could take part in, right off the bat.) But that’s not what ARFID is. That’s not what asexuality is. It’s not a “some of the time” thing, it’s an “all of the time” thing.
Unless you’re asexual or unless you have ARFID, no, you don’t understand me. So spare me the “I’m like that, too” nonsense.
“You Can’t Be, Because…”
You can’t be asexual because you masturbate! You can’t have ARFID because you eat Doritos! You can’t be asexual because you’ve had sex! You can’t have ARFID because you’ve had poutine!
Gotcha gatekeeping bullshit isn’t limited to just talking about sex or just talking about eating. I get it from both sides! People who don’t understand what something is have a way of deciding that they’re experts on a subject and feel that they need to tell me that my existence is wrong because they Know Better™.
Both ARFID and asexuality impact my life when it comes to social situations.
Is she flirting with me? How do I explain how I am?
Are they going to suggest dinner? How do I explain how I am?
The conversation has turned to sex. Do I have to come out and explain how I am?
The server has come by and I didn’t order anything. Do I have to come out and explain how I am?
It’s hanging out there. Everyone can see it. I’m withdrawn. I’m hiding that I’m broken. Is it safe to tell them?
Because sex is largely a taboo subject, it doesn’t come up nearly as often as food does, and that means that I’m not subjected to the same relentless taunting that I get about my eating habits. People seem to take my pulling back from conversations about sex as some sort of personal or religious objection to the topic, and they leave it alone. But when it comes to eating, it’s open season. “We’ll go somewhere they have grilled cheese for you.” “Oh look, they have cheese pizza here.” “Should we ask for the kids menu?” For some people, this is the only conversation they ever have with me. Let’s all point and laugh at the eating disorder! Fuck you, dude.
If your boss mocks you for a lack of interest in sex, you can file a complaint with HR and hopefully have that taken care of. But if your boss mocks you for an insufficiently varied diet by their standards, all you can do is laugh along through the pain.
My eating habits were also a source of extensive friction with my ex-girlfriend. I remember once she told me that she was sad that if she married me that she’d never have Vietnamese food again. So not only was I depriving her of sex, I was also depriving her of pho. Way to make me feel doubly worthless.
All this can tie back into the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (basically the psychiatrist’s bible). One of the diagnostic criteria for ARFID is “Marked Interference With Psychosocial Functioning“. One of the diagnostic criteria for MHSDD is “Clinically Significant Distress“. You could say that ARFID has caused “marked interference with psychosocial functioning”, sure. And you could say that in the past, asexuality has caused “clinically significant distress”. But you know what? Most of that interference and distress has had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that people around me are assholes about it once they find out.
(And yeah, MHSDD is not asexuality, but that’s a different story…)
Asexuality and ARFID share a sense of loneliness, of isolation, of brokenness, of being the only person like that in the world. No one understands you, there’s no way to explain it, you just don’t fit in anywhere, and trying to fit into the world at large is awkward. I’ve only met one other asexual in the wild, outside of ace-specific gatherings. And I’ve never met someone else with ARFID. I’m constantly on the lookout for others like me in the world, to know I’m not alone. I cling tightly to stories like Tim Gunn’s three decades of celibacy or Anderson Cooper’s encounters with pretty much any kind of food, desperately hoping that they are like me, that they understand, that I’m not the only one.
Much has been written about pointless, gratuitous sex scenes appear in practically every movie or TV show. Well, food does the same thing sometimes. Don’t believe me? Watch pretty much any travel show. Do they focus on the beautiful scenery and quaint villages and all the landmarks and vista points that I should be sure to see? No. It’s smug assholes like Anthony Bourdain telling me that I’m practically inhuman if I don’t want to wander the planet eating Scorpion on a Stick or drinking Peruvian Spit Beer. (And you know what? There are places in the world that I would love to go see, but I’m afraid to go because there is a very real chance that I will actually starve to death if I try.)
And don’t get me started on “food porn”…
Thank you for sharing all this. I was not familiar with ARFID.
I was not familiar with ARFID either, but I wonder if my grandma had it. She would barely eat anything. I’m usually open to trying anything once. (other than a scorpion on a stick or sex.) my father used to make fun of me because I wouldn’t eat tomatoes, but I would use ketchup. “it’s the same thing.” I liked the green eggs and ham example. I always liked that book. Why don’t other people believe us when we talk about what we’ve experienced, or what we don’t desire?
Hey! I just want to say that I am really impressed by your blog. By how open it is, and how personal and how on point and how well-written. Thank you for writing this. :)
Gosh. I knew you didn’t like Thai food (you mentioned it somewhere) but I didn’t know it was this serious…:(
Thai food is a special level of No Thank You. Most of the time, I can be around food I’m not a fan of without a problem. There’s the occasional case of something like really smelly fish which can be a problem, but I gather that no one likes to be around someone *else* eating really smelly fish. But with Thai food, sometimes just being around it makes me feel like I’ve been sunburned. I don’t know if it’s completely imaginary or if the spices get into the air and I’m having a reaction to that. The first time I noticed it (also the worst) was when a coworker left a big cup of steaming hot spicy soup on the table right next to me. I still smelled like that soup when I got home… As far as I know, I’m not allergic to anything, but because I’ve managed to avoid so many things all these years, there’s all sorts of things it’s possible that I’m allergic to…
As someone who is allergic to pretty much all spicy food, I can say that it could be a possibility. My skin burns every time I touch spicy food, and the same thing happens if I’m around it for too long (along with other stuff, but I just recognized the “burning” skin thing).
hi! I’m not sure that I specifically have arfid, but definitely some major food+anxiety issues, and I’m also ace and this was really interesting to read and resonated with me a lot. thanks for writing it!
Oooooooooh my god. Okay. Everything is fine. I just relate to all of that way too much. WAY. TOO. MUCH.
I had never heard of ARFID before today. I didn’t even know it was a thing. It was just me in some sort of weird food limbo since I was a kid because one thing to know about me is that I can never seem to be “normal” in any freaking way (to the point I’ve learned to just roll with it and stop questioning it). But apparently it’s a thing ???? Being literally unable to try new food, no matter the amount of motivation / various forms of coaxing / knowing it shouldn’t be this hard ? Being able to eat something if it’s one specific brand but every other one is a NO ? /What do you mean it’s not just me ?!/
Eating in a restaurant is a nightmare. It means just fries or plain pasta, mayyyybe plain rice but most likely not. And if the restaurant doesn’t have either, well, I’m screwed because no chance in hell I’m going to eat anything else. (Speaking of hell — school canteen was my own personal hell on Earth. Being freed of that was magical.)
“I’m buying that. I’m going to try that.” … “Oh, shit, we’re past the expiration date… Well, it’s a sort of food for which it doesn’t matter much. So I’m going to try that NOW.” … “It’s been five hours and I’m still looking at the pack from time to time, trying to will myself to open it and TRY THAT DAMN THING.” … “It’s been a week and I’m looking at that food and I’M GOING TO PUT IT IN MY MOUTH NOW.” … “Hahahaha good joke, no I can’t do it and I had to throw it away and now I feel like shit because I wasted food and money.”
The one brand of X food I could eat stopped producing it ? Chances are I’m never eating that food ever again.
Those rare times I discover some type of plain food I had never heard of before and I miraculously manage to try it out like a functioning human being. And then it’s disgusting and I’m done for the next five years. Or I can now add one more thing to my “can eat that” list, but after that any new food I come across is a NO and I just don’t understand why and it’s frustrating as hell.
The few nervous breakdowns I had as a kid. “At least TRY IT !” said my mom who didn’t understand (not that understood myself any more). “You can’t know whether you’ll like it if you don’t know how it tastes !” Yeah well, see, I’d love to be able to eat in a socially acceptable way, but I literally cannot bring myself to put this into my mouth. And just at the sight of its consistence, I’m already close to heaving. Everything is fine.
Half of my packing for literally any trip ever is food because it’s either I plan ahead or there’s a 90% chance I’ll begin starving before the end of it.
Yeah. I feel you.
And I had never analyzed my food problem and asexuality side by side before today, but yes. So much yes to everything. (Oh and, by the way, the only thing that managed to make me understand a few years ago what asexuality / sexual attraction was exactly — when I was trying to understand if I was ace or not and the answer was “definitely” — was this website, so that makes it twice you make my brain go “!!!!!! IT ME” and I don’t think I can ever express how thankful I am. But, really, I VERY MUCH AM.)
Being only able to eat certain stuff isn’t a problem in and of itself for me. I’m fine with it. I don’t care that much. But the second you bring someone else into this ? That’s when the problems start. The judgment, even when it’s concealed. The inability to participate in almost mandatory social events like, say, going out with friends. And so on.
Being ace ? If not for the fact that I’m also gay and statistically unlikely to find someone to date anytime soon, I’d be more than fine with it. But when you add the world to the mix, it makes me the outsider. The one who doesn’t belong. It doesn’t matter where I am or what’s going on, there’ll always be, at some point, That One Thing that I can’t relate to at all when everyone else can and that’ll remind me that I don’t fit in. (Feeling like I don’t even truly belong in my own community, at times — queer community I mean — is so much FUN.)
And even being around people who understand, accept and don’t judge is still often a painful experience. It’s better, of course, but /I still see y’all being able to relate to each other in one way or another and I’m here and I can’t and even if I don’t show it I still *feel* in my bones how much it sets me apart/.
I’m very much an introvert as well and I love to be alone, but sometimes, occasionally, I’d also love to go out and have fun with friends, you know ? I actually love to fool around dancing, except places where you can do that are usually sex-heavy (no thanks), involve going somewhere to eat before or after (yeaaaah… huge problem), and add to that the fact that I don’t drink alcohol and you have the full combo of yeah-let’s-not-even-bother-it’ll-be-a-disaster-and-it’ll-just-end-up-making-me-feel-like-shit. And being able to anticipate stuff like that means that I hardly ever do anything because I know from experience that it won’t turn out well.
(I often say that I’m asocial, but the truth is rather that I’m so different from everyone else that the mental distance I have to reach to be able to handle any social situation is ten times more exhausting than what good I’d get from it. So… I just don’t.) (Small mercies, I’m kind of a loner to begin with so I often don’t care, but seriously, feeling like I live ten planes of existence from everyone else is so EXHAUSTING and alienating on a daily basis.)
Sides note :
– The very concept of “food porn” is as ?????????!?!?!?!?! as sexual attraction to me too. IT’S JUST FOOD. NOT TO MENTION THAT, MOST OF THE TIME, IT RATHER LOOKS QUITE DISGUSTING TO ME. Why, people, why.
– My favorite way to dismiss “you’re missing out” is to retort how everyone is missing out on contortion, and then proceed to talk about it just enough to creep everyone out. It’s the most natural thing in the world to me, has been since I was a kid, but apparently people bending backwards in two is not an idea most people want to dwell on… So usually, it’s enough to never have that conversation ever again with anyone who brought it up even just once. :’)
– “Fun fact” : I’ve become a vegan a few years ago and this has honestly made dealing with other people and food sooooo much easier. Not coming with them to the restaurant (even though I’d love to because they’ll no doubt have a great time, but, you know, NO) ? Vegan : fair, no questions asked from anyone. Before that, it was either make up excuses or try to explain my issue and When Has That Ever Ended Well. Taking my own food with me on trips ? Sounds normal to people now. It wasn’t before. And so on. And even if it’s been a nice side effect to becoming vegan — one that I hadn’t anticipated –, I find it so fucking sad and ANNOYING that people can’t just respect a simple statement like “I only manage to eat some very specific food” (also, yeah, mixing flavors is a NO, NEVER HAPPENING for me, so that makes most food from a restaurant… a giant problem… GET YOUR DAMN SAUCES AND TOPPINGS AWAY FROM ME) (never having to explain that ever again to people is honestly a blessing).
Aaaaand I’ve ranted way too much. Sorry about that.
I’ll just end this by quoting one of your sentences because it sums everything up perfectly and I honestly feel it in my soul… “Most of that interference and distress has had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that people around me are assholes about it once they find out.”
(Or with the fact that I feel inadequate wherever I go.)
(Being like us is so FUN, isn’t it ?)
Sometimes I like all the fixings on top of my food, potatoes & hotdogs, for example. I want the cheese, the onions, the bacon bits, and sour cream on my potato. I want the cheese and onions, & sour crout, & pickle relish, & mayonnaise, mustard, & ketchup on my hot dogs. Yet other things I just want simple. I eat my maccaroni & cheese just by itself.
I like to be by myself too. I don’t usually feel lonely. My mother used to deny it whenever I told her that I liked to be alone. “no one wants to be alone.”
Same thing with hugs. I told her I’d rather wave. I like my space. But she’d force a hug on me anyway. “everyone likes hugs. Just try it. “
When I first realised that I may be asexual, it was like discovering a part of myself I had no idea existed. There were (and still are) some doubts and questions, but for the most part it is something I have come to understand.
But when I first heard about ARFID? It was like someone was just echoing my own life. Telling me something I already knew, but never knew others experienced.
My diet (or lack thereof) has always been a great source of anxiety. Something that I have always had a hard time discussing with people because it always makes me feel like a weirdo (even more than normal). It inevitably ends with me being asked, “well, what DO you eat?”.
Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in feeling this way.
This article was so relatable! I don’t have ARFID personally, but I have many of the symptoms due to my Sensory Processing Disorder. (as in, I don’t lose weight because of my eating habits, though they sure could be much healthier, and my “pickiness” can be explained by the SPD)
Still, I understand that bad emotional response to foods. (the thought of trying any sort of potato makes me wanna cry) And it’s far easier to list the things I do like, than the things I don’t.
And the examples in this post were just too real. Like trying to get up the courage to try something, but not liking it, just like you knew you wouldn’t. Or going hungry on vacation. Or going hungry at a large dinner. And just the way described people not understanding it. It’s just exactly like that. Thank you! I’m gonna save this article to help explain my feelings to people when they keep getting on me to try this or try that.
(Oh, and I’m also asexual, but kinda in the closest about that, so not quite as relatable. But it definately helped with the comparisons for me to realize what I’m gonna be in for when I do come out.)
You are not missing out on freezer food. I definitely do not have ARFID, but out of my love of good food, ¾ of the shelves at Safeway (the local American supermarket) have nothing that I would consider buying. The convenient foods have so many compromises in taste and texture in order to store well and to simplify the food preparation. I’d rather eat Soylent.
When I go to a restaurant, I usually already have a favorite meal that I get. Each place I go to, I have a different favorite meal.
I can’t eat oranges either. But I do like the taste of orange flavor. I just can’t handle the pulp. When I used to have braces, certain foods would get stuck in the braces. Even though I don’t have braces now, those same foods bother me.
Interesting. One of my friends has many foods he can’t eat, but I didn’t know what that was called. Thanks for the insights. I can eat almost anything, but there are many things I can’t stand to have touching my skin – I get a similar kind of “hell no, keep that away from me” kind of response to that. Not the same, but it’s the closest experience I have to relating to my friend’s food issue.
Don’t know if you’ll see this since I am posting in 220 but I have ARFID and am asexual. Totally relate to everything written here and have also never encountered someone with ARFID and who is asexual