An Asexual on Sex

A quick note before I begin: To all the asexuals out there: It’s okay to be a virgin and it’s fine to not be a virgin. It’s okay to be curious about sex and it’s fine to not be interested in it at all. It’s okay to enjoy sex and it’s fine to dislike it. It’s okay to not want to experience sexual pleasure and it’s fine if you want to orgasm by yourself or with someone else. It’s okay to have sex and it’s fine to not have sex. Your experience may be different than mine, and it doesn’t mean that you’re wrong or your broken. It just means that you’re not me, and we’re each walking the path of our own lives.

All asexuals are virgins, right?

No, we’re not all virgins. Some of us are virgins. Some of us have had sex a few times (I’m in this group). And some of us have had a regular sexual relationship with a partner (or multiple partners).

How can you be asexual and have had sex?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, just like heterosexuality or homosexuality. Sexual orientations are not defined by who you’ve had sex with throughout your lifetime, they’re defined by who you’re sexually attracted to. Think of it this way: A heterosexual male is heterosexual because he’s sexually attracted to women, even if he’s still a virgin and hasn’t had sex with any women. And if there’s that one night in college where he was young and confused and really really drunk and he went a little bit too far with that guy from the party because it seemed like a good idea at the time, that doesn’t make him gay or bi, because his sexual orientation is defined by his attraction, not his youthful indiscretions.

An asexual who has had sex simply isn’t sexually attracted to the person they’ve had sex with.

But, um, how can you be asexual and have had sex? I mean, physically?

Physically, there is no inherent difference between an asexual person and someone who is not asexual. We’ve got the same parts and pieces in the same arrangement and angles as everyone else, and they’ll work the same way, too. The only difference is emotional: Who we feel an urge to use those parts and pieces with. A heterosexual person wants to use them with someone with different parts and pieces, a homosexual wants to use them with someone with matching parts and pieces, a bisexual or pansexual doesn’t really care, and an asexual doesn’t really feel an urge to use them with anyone else.

Asexual males can get erect and ejaculate, and the sperm is normal human male sperm, it’s not some sort of magic sperm that can grow into a clone of the father on its own under the right conditions.

Asexual females can get wet and engorged and can get pregnant, and a pregnancy requires a male contrubution, they’re not capable of parthenogenesis.

Asexuals of any sex are capable of orgasm.

So, uh, asexual women having sex, that I get. “Lie back and think of England” and all that. They don’t have to do anything. But asexual men… How does that work?

Blood fills the spongy tissue of the penis, causing an erection, and the erect penis is-

I know how it works, but how does that happen?

You mean, how can an asexual man get an erection without being sexually attracted to the person they’re with?

Yeah, what’s the deal with that?

Obviously, the ability to achieve erection and not be sexually attracted to the person the erection will be used with is not an isolated feature unique to asexuals. There are plenty of examples of gay men who have fathered children through natural insemination. There are also plenty of examples of men (gay, straight, or otherwise) who’ve left the bar at last call with whoever was willing to join them. A man clearly does not have to be sexually attracted to someone to be able to have sex with them.

I can only speak for myself here, as I’ve never run a survey of non-virgin asexual males regarding erectile capacity during intercourse, but here goes. Even though I’m not sexually attracted to anyone, my body can and does respond to sexual situations. It’s like downstairs says “Oh, hey, SEX! I know what that is. I’ll go get ready in case you need me.” It’ll react that way to some sex scenes in movies, or to porn, or to knowing that you and your girlfriend had planned on having sex for about a month and now she’s getting into bed with you. It may be a Pavlovian response, where I know that the situation may have the reward of sexual pleasure, so my body gets prepared. Additionally, an erection can be caused by physical stimulation, regardless of the source of that stimulation. Many men have gotten erections from tight underwear, loose underwear, driving on bumpy roads or getting a physical at the doctor, and none of those things are generally targets of sexual attraction. When I had sex, there was a decent period of touching and caressing prior to starting intercourse, all of which was arousing. In fact, immediately after putting on the condom, I required a bit of direct stimulation to make the erection usable.

Some people confuse an getting an erection with sexual attraction. It is very important to note that they are not the same thing. Certainly, an erection can be the result of sexual attraction, but there are many other ways to get one (Like the physical stimulation mentioned above), and most of those other ways will work the same way on an asexual’s penis as on a non-asexual’s penis. Hell, when I was in the 7th grade, I used to get an erection every day in math class. Now, I like math and all, but I don’t like it that much. Sometimes erections just happen and there’s no reason for it.

Oh, and, don’t forget: Despite what President Clinton may have claimed, sex doesn’t necessarily require a penis to be placed within a vagina. So it doesn’t require a functional penis to be involved. It doesn’t even require a penis at all. Hands, mouths, and various devices and implements that may or may not be battery-operated can all be used during sexual activity.

Why bother? I mean, if you hate sex, what’s the point?

As I noted in an earlier post, views on sex vary widely among asexuals. Many asexuals do not hate sex. There are many reasons that an asexual person might have sex. These reasons include (but are not necessarily limited to):

  • To please their partner.
  • Because they’ve been told, “Try it, you’ll like it”.
  • To satisfy their libido.
  • Because they’re bored.
  • To find out what its like.
  • Because they want children.
  • To “fit in” with other people.
  • Because it feels good.
  • Because they want to.

I had sex because my girlfriend at the time wanted to have sex with me. She knew that I wasn’t all that interested in sex, but we figured that it was worth a shot because maybe I’d become more interested in it if I experienced it. Of course, I did want to know what it was like, since sex is supposed to be this super-amazing, mind-blowing, life-altering thing that everyone else seems to be relentlessly chasing. Something like that’s gotta be good, right? But most importantly, I did it because I wanted to do it. No amount of begging and pleading would’ve gotten me to do anything if I didn’t want to do it (Anyone who’s tried to get me to eat Thai food knows that). In the end, I wasn’t terribly impressed. It was okay, I guess, but nothing to get all worked up over. It just wasn’t my bag.

What do you do when you have sex?

You know all the different things non-asexuals might do that they’d consider to be sex? Yeah, asexuals might do any of those. It’s not like there’s some ace code of conduct that says asexual women must lie passively and asexual men must thrust in the missionary position and any deviations from these standards are punishable by no cake for a month. During sex, asexual people, regardless of gender, can be as active or as passive as they want to be, and engage in activities ranging from dull to kinky.

But can you feel anything?

We can. Nothing about asexuality prevents an asexual person from experiencing physical sexual pleasure, whether that pleasure comes from a kiss on the cheek or genital stimulation. An orgasm in an asexual is no different than an orgasm in someone who isn’t. Sexual response will vary from individual to individual, just like among non-asexual people. Many asexuals who have had sex have never experienced an orgasm or may experience pain during intercourse (particularly women), however, you’ll find the same issues among non-asexual people, as well.

As for me, do I feel anything? Hoo-boy howdy yeah! Um, I mean, yes, I found the act of intercourse to be quite pleasurable physically.

None of this makes any sense to me. Asexuals having sex. “Asexual” means “not sexual”, so it’s not possible for an asexual to do sexual things. Are you sure you’re ace?

I don’t like the description of asexuality as “non-sexual” or “not sexual”, as I feel those terms carry the implication that an asexual person has no sexual ability or is incapable of doing anything of a sexual nature or is impotent. That’s simply not the case. Asexuality alone has no bearing on physical and physiological attributes and functions. I’ve got a penis and a pair of testicles. I can get erections. I can masturbate, lubricate and ejaculate. I can experience the intense physical pleasure of an orgasm. I can father a child. All the parts down below are present and functional, just like in any other healthy factory-original male. The only difference is that I don’t have any burning interest in using those parts with anyone else, because I’m asexual. Not having any interest doesn’t mean that I’m incapable of doing so.

What was sex like, from your point of view?

Somewhat analytical and disconnected. I was far more into trying to figure out what actions I was supposed to be taking at the various points in the process. Am I supposed to kiss the breast or caress it now? Is the clitoral stimulation too fast or too slow? I distinctly remember being bored at one point, wishing that my orgasm would arrive so that I could stop. It wasn’t the epitome of all life experiences, as I’d been led to believe. But at the same time, it felt good, both physically and emotionally. The whole process felt different and in some ways better than masturbation, the warmth and the varying pressure being notable examples. And I very much enjoyed sharing the experience with the woman that I loved at the time.

Interestingly enough, I have a record of some emails I sent to my partner on the subject in the days following our get togethers. They’re a monument to aceness. Instead of things like “Oh baby, you were so hot last night” and “I just got hard again thinking about what we did”, these mails are full of more practical issues, like the application of lubricant, discussion of technique, and talking about how I wasn’t expecting to be thirsty after sex. Anyway, here’s some quotes from those mails:

“Anyway, yes, I did enjoy it. It was different than I had imagined. It took a lot longer than I was expecting (Must’ve gotten caught up in the rhythm and forgotten to orgasm…). And it felt different, too. The way people always talk, I was expecting more of an electric explosion type of ‘WowWowWOWOW!’ sort of feeling the entire time. Sure, it was nice, but I don’t see why it gets people acting stupid and ruining their lives and such.”

“At the beginning, it wasn’t that much different from masturbation and was fairly dull and repetitive, almost ‘Is that all there is?’ “

“Touching there, kissing here, rubbing there… It doesn’t make much difference. It all feels pretty much the same to me. Stroking your breast does about as much for me as stroking your shoulder.”

“Anyway, I will be willing to do it again sometime. It meets with my approval.”

Your honor, I would like to submit these letters as Exhibit A for the proof of the existence of asexuality…

Um… Yeah. Wow. So, uh… What should I know if I, as a non-asexual person, want to have sex with an asexual?

As I wrote above, asexual people can have sex and still be asexual. There’s nothing physically preventing most of us from doing so. However, just because someone can physically have sex doesn’t mean they will want to. Many aces do not want to have sex. They may be repulsed, they may not be with the right person, it might not be the right time for them, or they may simply not want to. Even those who are willing to have sex are generally less into it and won’t do it as frequently as a non-asexual partner might prefer. Trying to coerce or pressure or guilt an asexual into having sex with you is an officially uncool thing to do. “No” means NO.

Sometimes aces will be willing to work out a compromise situation when they’re in a relationship with a non-asexual person, but it’s important that such a compromise come from a place of respect and that the compromise be honored by both parties. The single most important thing to remember when dealing with a sexual relationship with an asexual person is that you need to talk to them. Communication. Tell them your wants and needs and listen to their wants and needs. And talk. Don’t accuse and don’t demand. Also, not all asexual people will be willing to compromise.

Understand that an asexual person probably sees sex in a very different way than you do. You might see it as the supreme expression of love, joining of two souls into a single blissful passion. They may see it as the rubbing of genitals against each other for a half hour or so. They may not find you sexually attractive, but that’s not a personal rejection of you and there’s nothing you can do about it. It doesn’t mean they think you’re fat or ugly or horrible to be around or they don’t love you anymore. Their minds just don’t work that way. You will need to learn to accept that.

One thing I’ve seen happen again and again is that the asexual person will gradually become less and less willing to have sex. There can be many reasons for this, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re falling out of love. They may have come to the realization that they can’t overcome their repulsion. They may have started feeling guilty that you’re clearly attracted to them and they can’t return the favor. They may be growing less and less comfortable in sexual situations. The novelty might be wearing off. Or they may simply not be as willing to do it anymore. You will never know what the reason is if you don’t talk to them about it.

And again, no means no. If someone doesn’t want to have sex with you, then they don’t want to have sex with you. It doesn’t matter that they’re asexual. It doesn’t matter if they’ve had sex before, even if that sex was with you. No means no.

19 thoughts on “An Asexual on Sex

  1. Hello,

    I have a question thats been on my mind. I have a boyfriend that I love so much and want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I am a virgin. But recently have discovered that I am asexual. My question is how do you feel when you kiss someone? does anyone get sparks? i dont feel anything when i kiss. which doesnt make sense because i am so in love with my boyfriend. this has to be an asexual trait no? also i hate passionate kissing, like making out. i like one kiss and then i am satisifed. do other asexuals experience this? when i try to explain this to my best friend she says its because my boyfriend is not the “right” person for me but I know 100 percent that he is. she says when i find the right person i will feel sparks when kissing. but i think this is an asexual trait i am experiencecing. am i right? very confused. shed some light, please!!!!!

    • Hello, I’m in my late teens and have a wonderful partner that knows and respects that I am asexual. I love them, but The “sparks” as you call them, don’t have anything to do at all with your sexuality or how much you love your boyfriend. It’s caused by a hormone that your body releases when you’re in love with somebody, this hormone is called dopamine. But not everybody feels these sparks. Most people have a slightly higher than normal body temperature or sweaty palms, those kinds of things. If you feel or don’t feel a sexual attraction isn’t associated with dopamine at all. To shorten the answer, no you simply don’t feel sparks because you literally don’t feel them. Simple as that. “Sparks” are an exaggerated reaction of your body to dopamine by romance authors. It will most likely feel great to kiss this person, make you really happy or giddy but you won’t feel a physical reaction that could pass as “sparks” or “fireworks”. But you WILL definitely feel a difference when you are kissing this person. If you don’t feel anything at all, he is most like not the right one. Is it more like kissing a moist wall?
      To answer your second question, everybody has different preferences on kissing. Personally, I don’t like kissing at all because in my head, all I hear is “what if they didn’t brush their teeth? What if they’re sick?” that kind of thing y’know? I’m a bit of a germaphobe :p, but for some reason I enjoy kissing my girlfriend once I’m at it, just the anticipation freaks me out I guess? You’re last question is basically a repeat of the first one. No, some asexuals may feel the same, but it’s not an “asexual trait”. Just like a male liking to wear make up isn’t a “gay trait” you get where I’m going with this? Your friend could be right, but they could be wrong too. When you kiss “the one” you certainly will feel an amazing feeling, but it won’t be “sparks”. You will understand once it happened, it’s not really a feeling that’s easy to explain. (Or maybe you have that feeling with your boyfriend?)Just like explaining a rainbow to a man who was born blind. I hope I was able to help you at all :) even though this was posted 2 yrs and a couple months ago, and you’ve probably already figured it out….oh well :)

  2. Hi, I’m a 21 year old asexual girl. I have a 22 year old boyfriend. The relationship is really hard for me sometimes because I like my boyfriend – I really do. However, I don’t feel the typical thing that most people do when they’re with someone. Like feeling the need to have sexual contact with them…

    We only started dating a couple months ago, so I don’t feel like we’re going to get married or anything (at least not yet), so I couldn’t tell you what it’s supposed to be like when you’re with “the one.” But I think saying that you’re supposed to get sparks from kissing your significant other is kind of strange. First of all, I’ve never gotten sparks from kissing anyone. The only think I feel when I kiss people are lips and saliva. Which sounds heartless, but really I’m kissing him for HIM. Besides, I do get sparks sometimes whenever we’re talking and laughing together – or just hugging. I think that yes, you could get “sparks” with that person when you find the right one, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be from kissing.

    Also, the whole sparks thing really just sounds like a rule made up by a fairy tale. Marriages in real life are not the equivalent of “happily ever after” and there’s no such thing as a Prince Charming. So, I think the way you know you’re with the right person is that you trust them with all your heart, and they give you a lot of support, joy, and comfort to you, even if though they’re not perfect. Also, that both of you are willing to commit to the other under any circumstances.

  3. I am 18, I want to know hat is wrong with me, when I kiss the guy who I love I feel nothing, not even we get to close like oral sex and all, Idk why I hate the concept of sex, I like long hugs, forehead kisses and neck kisses but when I have a lip kiss i cant keep my eyes close or feel the same passion the other person is feeling. can anyone help me with this

    • Hey, you sound a lot like my girlfriend. She loves to cuddle and doesn’t mind kisses hat are not on the lips.
      First off, I wouldn’t say there is anything “wrong” with you. Perhaps it’s a matter of being comfortable around your partner? Maybe you think about kissing and sex in a more mechanical manner, (and it does seem a lot more disgusting that way, haha) and you can change your views on it with time, affection, and emotion. Perhaps you just find it disgusting, and no matter how much you try you can’t shake the feeling? Only time and exploration will tell. I can’t speak for everyone. Not all sexual-asexual relationships work the same way, but the system I use with my girlfriend is to just let her get acquainted with me more and more. I never try to push her out of her boundaries. Instead, I let her get caught up in the moment and take a cautious next step, if she wants to. I sometimes accidentally make another small step without thinking, but it’s not a big deal because I know her boundaries, and I respect them. She may expand her boundaries to include sex and other sexual activities, she may not. Only time will tell.
      That’s just an example. From a non-asexual to an asexual (or maybe you don’t identify that way? My girlfriend doesn’t either, but it’s similar.), the best advice I can give you is to figure yourself out and do not compromise yourself. Don’t get pressured into doing anything, this will only make it harder for you to be comfortable in the future, and experience more, even if you want to. Human psychology is some potent stuff. Communication with your partner is vital, and trusting them, even more so. Work on other aspects of your relationship in the meantime. Work on intimacy without sexual contact, and maybe things will feel better to you. More bearable in the least, so if you feel like pleasing your partner is worth dealing with the negatives, maybe you can. You can compromise, but you just shouldn’t compromise yourself!

  4. I have trouble with kissing my boyfriend and have since we got together 5 years ago. Short kisses on the lips and other places like the forehead and neck are fine but if he tries to deepen the kiss (tongue to put it bluntly) I feel smothered, grossed out and find myself wondering how he could find it enjoyable when it does next to nothing for me. I do it mostly for him. Hearing others having the same feelings makes me feel less alone and abnormal.

  5. I have always been confused by my sexuality I began to think I was bi but I kinda felt it was just because I know I wasn’t like most girls with the oogling crushes ect. I have a bf of 2 years and I love him very much he is one of my best friends but we only recently started having sex. Before we would have oral sex ect I always would think I was into it then once it started happening I wasn’t and was just kind of wanting it to be over, I was hoping that sex would clear this up but Now that we are having sex I don’t enjoy it at all I feel gross after but I am always wanting it until it happens then it’s like a switch shifted and I don’t anymore. I am so confused I don’t know what I identify as anymore and I don’t know if I could possibly be asexual or not please somebody clarify is they can.

  6. I’d like to mention that the aversion, lack of desire and/or attraction NEVER (for me) means I am repulsed by sex or people who like and have desire for sex. I see the word repulsed and repulsion used in this segment and I disagree with those descriptives. I am married, I love my husband infinitely, I’ve never been nor would I be repulsed by him or his affinity for sex. I have just discovered that MY asexuality (today in fact) is actually understood and I’m not alone and nothing is inherently wrong with me. I haven’t spoken to my husband about this, yet. I hope he listens and not just hears me, I hope it gives him peace of mind that it is NOT him (he has told me I must be repulsed by him before), I also hope he doesn’t blame me for being this way. Sex is a huge factor for him. I am guilty, of having sex because people (including him and my therapist) have told me I wasn’t normal and childhood sexual abuse and two abusive marriages were to blame for my lack of sexual desire and/or my being honest about just not wanting it and not caring if I EVER have it again, preferably never. I feel as though not to betray him or make him feel bad or happy as it were having sex is ultimately a betrayal to MYSELF. It has NOTHING to do with love for me. I am worried he won’t believe me, or he’ll find it’s just too much for him to handle and I’ll hurt him. I have felt so guilty for not having sex it’s mentally turned me inside out trying to rectify what others have told me could be fixed, or negotiated. It can’t. I. Don’t. Like. Sex. Period!

    • Dear H,
      I hope you have been able to communicate with your husband. In your post you said you worry it would be too much for him to handle or you’d hurt him, but what you said earlier shows that a greater hurt can happen from a couple not acknowledging or understanding what is happening. Therefore, you’ve felt guilt, he perhaps feels undesirable. I spent 9 years with (I think, from what I have pieced together) a grey-asexual partner, and I am a highly sexual person. My sexual identity is extremely important to me, especially after growing up with religious repression and then breaking free of that. In the relationship, he didn’t tell me directly how he felt, so I would raise discussions, request kinkier sex, be really confused when it didn’t happen, because he said he wanted to do it, and sometimes he tried to do it. But he didn’t instigate sex and I felt undesirable, unwanted, confused, dejected, I suppressed parts of my sexuality. As a result I pried and delved and pushed him emotionally to try to figure out what was going on. As we were breaking up he said he thought he might be on the asexual scale. He’d never mentioned it before. Now, a year after our break up, I have followed that up and am reading a lot about asexuality and I have cried a lot – to think that he didn’t get acceptance or validation from me in our relationship, and to think I pressured him to open up and explore his sexuality. That he couldn’t set boundaries for me, so I persisted in trying to liven up our sex life for many years, until another man showed interest in me and he suggested I go and sexually explore that, and he wouldn’t be jealous. I felt even more rejected and unwanted when he said that. If I had understood what I understand now, our break up might have gone in a different direction. He had suggested a polyamorous option but I thought I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t care what I did with other people, or didn’t want ME specifically (as opposed to not sexually wanting anyone). If he had been willing to look at himself, explore his identity, talk about it, and if I had understood what I understand now, I would have been willing to discuss or try being poly – I am queer (bi/pansexual and kinky) myself so I have considered a range of alternative models for relationships in the past, and have been in relationships the external world thinks are ‘weird’. Instead, I took us down the break up path, our (now) two-year old lives between two houses, yet we see each other every day, are friends, he brings me dinner if I work a long day, we still share finances while our daughter is so young. I have had doubts and wanted him to move back in, but he is very definite – no – he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me or any one else, he can never see himself living with anyone else ever again, except our daughter. For a while I thought I had ruined him, made him so relieved to get away from me that he never wanted another relationship ever again, but then I’d get all these signals that he likes me, loves me as a person, does favours for me, and wants to be there for me. So I was really confused. Before me, he didn’t have sex or a romantic relationship for 12 years, and before that just a three month sexual relationship in high school that he said he wanted to get out of as quickly as he could. I didn’t understand – he is very smart, attractive, funny, kind, empathetic – when we first met, I invited him places, I bought him drinks, I came onto him when we were drunk – I pulled him into the relationship, and he later told me he had to convince himself to try it, that it could be a good thing. When we broke up he said ‘you’re just way too intense and passionate for me. You’re looking for something that’s not in me’. He said he felt inadequate, and that he knew he couldn’t meet my needs, and he could tell I resented that.

      It’s true, but, as a (highly) sexual person who was initially attracted to his high intellect coupled with kindness (always gets me), I feel I was not given the opportunity to understand him, because he wouldn’t (and still won’t) discuss his asexuality. I have recieved more love from him than anyone else on this earth (I had a troubled upbringing), and I feel a deep, intense love for him, but I swing between thinking, if he could have fully come out to himself and me, we could have found a compromise and stayed together (open relationship/poly option, because I can’t give up sex and not exploring my sexuality suffocates me) and then I swing and I think – no, we are just not compatible. The man I’m involved with sexually now thinks I might be hypersexual, so there’s not much compromise that would work in a monogamous relationship between me and an asexual person. I felt like pieces of me were dying, I lost parts of myself for a while, and I even stopped wanting to sleep with him at times, because of his lack of sexual enthusiasm or adventure. But I miss living together, sharing meals, watching films, taking holidays, eating in restaurants – all of which he said he loved doing. He was comfortable with the romantic stuff – wrote me poems, bought flowers, etc. now I think I’m just rambling out of grief. I doubt I’ve helped you, H. Every relationship is different,. I sent him an email stating that I’m sorry that he didn’t get a sense of acceptance from me and that he felt pressured. But I do think honestly within the self, and with a partner is the best option when it comes to asexuality. Knowing it’s not my fault that he seemed to rather masturbate than have sex with me helps. At least I have a good friendship with him, but I am concerned about the level of unwillingness he has to talk about it, as I think self-acceptance is extremely important. I will be patient.

      • Your story sounds a lot like my parents’ story. My mom & dad split up after similar issues. I myself, am asexual & I believe my dad is as well. However, he would never identify because of the religious way he’d been raised. But he does accept me being asexual.

  7. I thought I was asexual because ive never been sexually attracted to anyone and kissing feels like lips against each other but since I got a boyfriend I always want to kiss him its like sometimes ill feel nothing but sometimes I want lots of kisses and when we have sex it feels like rubbing but I always want to do it but when we do I feel nothing but rubbing and sometimes it feels good but its hard because I’m not sure if I’m asexual or sexual and I told my boyfriend I’m asexual but he laughed and said I wasn’t because we have sex and I think I gave him the wrong idea because I told him after we did it and its really difficult and confusing for me. Can someone help?

    • Seems like your boyfriend falls squarely into this type :

      “None of this makes any sense to me. Asexuals having sex. “Asexual” means “not sexual”, so it’s not possible for an asexual to do sexual things. Are you sure you’re ace?”

      – State that being asexual is *not* about what you *do*, but what how you *feel* about it.
      – You don’t have to do anything you’re not into; if you feel pressured to have sex, seek help.
      – You said he laughed when you brought it up : if he was being insensitive to you, make yourself heard.

  8. Maybe I’m too late to be meaningfully posting replies to this, but what the hell I’ll try anyway. If anyone would know the answer, they’d probably be here.

    You posted these:

    We can. Nothing about asexuality prevents an asexual person from experiencing physical sexual pleasure, whether that pleasure comes from a kiss on the cheek or genital stimulation. An orgasm in an asexual is no different than an orgasm in someone who isn’t. Sexual response will vary from individual to individual, just like among non-asexual people. Many asexuals who have had sex have never experienced an orgasm or may experience pain during intercourse (particularly women), however, you’ll find the same issues among non-asexual people, as well.

    As for me, do I feel anything? Hoo-boy howdy yeah! Um, I mean, yes, I found the act of intercourse to be quite pleasurable physically.


    I can experience the intense physical pleasure of an orgasm.

    OK, so I’m always a little unclear on the specific meanings of sex terms but I’m pretty sure I’ve experienced an orgasm. (It’s the involuntary pelvic spasms, right? For penis-owners, usually happens about 10 seconds before ejaculation or about 5 seconds after?)

    Thing is, apparently even asexual people claim orgasms produce “intense physical pleasure” but this has not been my experience. My experience is usually the slightly disconcerting sensation of having a localized mini-seizure, combined with a sense of relief – “finally, I can stop now” – which is only pleasurable in a negative reinforcement sense; the removal of an unwanted thing rather than the addition of a desirable one.

    In addition to that, there’s one physical sensation which I’ve never felt except during orgasm, but I wouldn’t call it “pleasurable” by a long shot. It’s not painful, but nonetheless distinctly unpleasant; a bit hard to describe, but kind of like being tickled against your will. What’s that all about? Is that the thing I’m supposed to find “intensely physically pleasurable?”

  9. Hey sorry to bug… I just have been thinking about this a lot lately.

    I don’t want to… Get swept up into identifying with something just because its easy you know? Like when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me mentally I could really relate with all sorts of things but my actual diagnosis is Avodant personality disorder… Sorry beside the point just an example.

    Hormones are a thing with me. Having them sometimes I mean. And… I know my orientation is towards guys but I always figured if I really fell in love with a girl it wouldn’t matter right? Loves the important thing not what parts it comes with. And I’ve had sex. Even the first time though I got bored but I figured that was because I was stressed or just I’m easily distracted or maybe I’m just lazy?

    But. Really even though I don’t… I’m not sex repulsed I guess. But … like the longer I’m in my relationship the more I realize I don’t …. /want/ it outside of hormones and I don’t think its the guy I’m with. Hes my best friend and that matters so much. No one could replace him. I just… Don’t … I dunno it feels nice and all I just …. Never am in the mood even when I’m horny or whatever. I don’t even want to talk about it with him if hes getting into it you know? Like I don’t care about actual discussions but I don’t like it when he just wants to talk about sex to get off on it you know?

    I mean. I figured maybe its just stress or something but I don’t think I’ve ever been attracted to a guy that way? Or anyone? Maybe I’m wrong though how do you tell? I get horny but not /because/ of someone. I don’t look at a guy and go ‘I’d bang him’ (well I do as a joke. Sex was the scandalous thing I could make jokes about in high school for fun but I don’t mean it even though I still have the habit. I just always made the ‘obvious’ joke. Now I’m moving on to puns and its the exact same thing just the ‘obvious’ thing changed.)

    People are aesthetically pleasing. I mean I know that’s a sexy guy, or that’s a sexy girl… but I also totally call cars or ideas sexy too so… Its not like I’m into them you know?

    I mean I like to get people worked up because I can kiss for a long time and just not care as they get more and more frustrated because its funny. But… I just like kissing and seeing them get agitated as I ‘don’t get the hint’ that they want to move to the next step. I don’t actually want to do anything about it… Which makes me a tease I guess? So not an asexual thing?

    And I can get turned on by situations sometimes… but its more of a chore or an itch to take care of than anything important…

    I just don’t know… I don’t want to claim something I’m not. I don’t want to make my best friend feel guilty because he has sexual needs and I’m never in the mood… and I’m…. low key kinda glad we’re living in separate states right now because of that…

    Is there… I don’t know a questionnaire you can fill out? heh. unfortunately the only question on it would be ‘do you experience sexual attraction or not’ and I haven’t seen a clear cut definition that I could say yay or nay to.

    I promised myself I’d never let my hormones control me when I was propositioned at 12 and I never thought I’d be having the opposite problem.

    again sorry to bug I’m just struggling to… figure myself out and I hate it. It shouldn’t be this hard right? Should be a clear cut answer. which is why I’m looking for an outside opinion from someone who isn’t as muddle headed about the whole thing as me….

    really sorry to bug. thank you for writing this though. its really neat to learn more either way.

  10. I’m an asexual and straight ..I think I might feel romantically attracted to a guy but a thought of having sex kinda really disgusts me to be honest..and so does masturbating (which I’ve never tried and most probably never will) and watching porn (same..never watched)..I’m not really good with words but I guess I have pretty complicated ideas about relationships be honest Idrgaf about the opposite sex even though I’m straight..I just don’t feel comfortable around guys and holding hands would be the farthest I would go on a date..only if I really love a guy..and if we are together I might even let him hug me two times a month haha..ok I may think about the latter thing a bit more :)

  11. I am a 39 year old asexual female. I have never been in love or romantically involved with anyone. I’ve never dated, never had a first kiss & have certainly never had sex.

  12. I also want to thank you for being so honest about your asexual life from the male’s perspective. I am a 39 year old asexual female. Virgin, so I have no experience with males. But I am curious about the human body in a medical, scientific way. Of course I’ll never know what it’s like to feel an erection or an ejaculation. But thanks for using humor to educate those of us who have never seen anything like this.

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