Things That Are Not Asexuality

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person does not experience sexual attraction.  That’s all it is.  However, since asexuality isn’t well known, it’s often confused with similar (and sometimes not even remotely similar) concepts.  Because of this, it’s important to point out these distinctions and differences.  It’s also important to note that most of these concepts are not necessarily mutually exclusive with asexuality.  For instance, even though asexuality is not celibacy, it’s possible for someone who is asexual to also be celibate.

Asexuality is not celibacy or abstinence.

Celibacy and abstinence describe behavior, they’re about actions.  A celibate or abstinent person does not have sex.  Asexuality is an orientation, it’s about attraction, not action.  An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction, but they may or may not have sex.

Asexuality is not a lack of sexuality.

Asexuality doesn’t mean that someone can’t have sex.  Asexuality doesn’t mean that someone can’t masturbate.  Asexuality doesn’t mean that someone can’t wear make-up or nice clothes.  Asexuality doesn’t mean that someone can’t be interested in sex.  Asexuality doesn’t mean that someone is infertile or impotent.  Asexuality doesn’t mean that someone doesn’t have a libido.  Asexuality means that someone doesn’t experience sexual attraction, and that’s all.

Asexuality is not virginity.

Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, and won’t suddenly start experiencing sexual attraction by having sex.  Many asexuals have had sex, and yet are still asexual.  In fact, many asexuals don’t even discover that they’re asexual until after they’ve had sex and start to wonder why they’re not all that interested in it.

Asexuality is not a hormone imbalance.

Many asexuals have had their hormones tested and have been found them to be within normal levels.  Some asexuals have undergone hormone therapy for other conditions and have not reported any change in their sexual orientation.  In general, asexual people do not experience any of the other signs of a hormone imbalance (hair loss, erectile dysfunction, depression, hot flashes, etc.), so even when they haven’t been specifically tested, they can be reasonably sure that their hormones are in order.  Also, a loss of sexual interest due to a hormone imbalance is often sudden, while an asexual person typically has never experienced sexual attraction for their entire lives, so it’s not like anything was “lost”, because it was never there.

(If you do have reason to believe that your hormones may not be in order, particularly if you’ve suddenly lost the interest in sex that you used to have, go see a doctor about it.)

Asexuality is not a fear of sex.

Being asexual doesn’t mean someone afraid of sex, just like being heterosexual or homosexual doesn’t mean a person loves sex.  Being asexual doesn’t say anything about a person’s opinion of sex. Some asexuals are afraid of sex.  Some asexuals love sex.  Some asexuals are indifferent to sex.  Many people who do experience sexual attraction are afraid of sex, but that does not make them asexual.

Asexuality is not a purity pledge or a religious act.

Asexuality has nothing to do with adhering to religious beliefs and is not the result of taking a purity pledge.  If one chooses not to have sex because their religion or personal beliefs prohibit it, that’s abstinence, not asexuality.  It is possible for someone who is asexual to refrain from sexual activity for religious reasons, which would make them abstinent and asexual.  On the flip side, there are many asexuals who are not religious and do not appreciate having religious motivations ascribed to them.

Asexuality is not a choice.

Like every other sexual orientation, asexuals were born this way.  We never looked at our lives one day and thought “You know, I’m done with this sex stuff” and decided to become asexual.  You cannot choose to be asexual any more than you can choose to be gay or straight.  Certainly, you can choose who you have sex with or whether or not you have sex at all, but that’s behavior, not who you’re attracted to.  If you experience sexual attraction and choose not to act on it, then you’re not asexual.  Asexual people do not experience sexual attraction.

Asexuality is not a disease.

There’s nothing physically wrong with people who are asexual.  We’re not asexual because of a tumor or a virus or a parasite.  We’re not contagious.  Some people like men, some people like women, some people like both, some people don’t care, and there’s nothing to cure about any of those cases.

Asexuality is not sexual immaturity.

Someone who is asexual isn’t asexual because they’ve never had sex or haven’t had enough sex.  Someone who is asexual isn’t asexual because they haven’t met the right person yet.  Someone who is asexual isn’t asexual because they’re hiding or repressing their sexual desires.  Someone who is asexual isn’t asexual because they’re in some perpetual state of child-like naivete.  Someone who is asexual is asexual because they don’t experience sexual attraction.  No amount of experience or information is going to change that.

Asexuality is not a physical condition.

There are no physical signs of asexuality.  Just like you can’t tell if someone is straight or gay or pan or bi just by looking at them, you can’t tell someone is asexual just by looking at them.  Being asexual doesn’t mean that something downstairs doesn’t work right.  Being asexual doesn’t mean that someone has no genitals.

Asexuality is not a lack of libido.

Libido is also known as a “sex drive”, that is, the desire or impulse to experience sexual satisfaction.  Some asexuals do have a libido, it’s just that it’s essentially aimless.  Their bits downstairs will activate and call out for attention, but that doesn’t make a person feel sexually attracted toward anyone else.

Asexuality is not a gender identity.

Asexuality has nothing to do with someone’s gender.  There are asexual men, asexual women, asexuals who are transgender, and asexuals of no gender.  Asexuality does not mean someone is unhappy or uncomfortable with their gender or the parts they were born with.  Asexuality does not mean that a person is genderless.

Asexuality is not a relationship status.

On places like Tumblr and Twitter, I’ve seen many people say things like “Boys suck, I’m turning asexual now”.  Asexuality is a sexual orientation, it doesn’t mean that you’re avoiding sex because of a bad relationship experience.  If someone is avoiding sex, that’s called celibacy or abstinence, not asexuality.  You can’t be temporarily asexual because of a bad break up, that’s just not how it works.

Asexuality is not a relationship cure-all.

Similar to the “Boys suck, I’m asexual” line, I’ve seen people say things like “I wish I were asexual, then I wouldn’t have any problems.”  Asexuality does not mean that someone does not participate in romantic or sexual relationships.  Many asexuals will end up in relationships, and those relationships can have just as many problems as relationships between non-asexual people.  In fact, if an asexual ends up in a relationship with a non-asexual person, that can lead to all sorts of problems due to mismatched sexual interest.

Asexuality is not a dry spell.

If someone hasn’t had sex for a week, that doesn’t make them asexual.  If someone hasn’t had sex for a month, that doesn’t make them asexual.  If someone hasn’t had sex for a year, that doesn’t make them asexual.  If someone hasn’t had sex for a decade, that doesn’t make them asexual.  There isn’t some span of time that someone has to go without sex before they’re granted the title of asexual, because that’s not what asexuality is.  Asexuality is about not experiencing sexual attraction, not a lack of sex.

81 thoughts on “Things That Are Not Asexuality

  1. “Asexuality is not a lack of libido.

    Libido is also known as a “sex drive”, that is, the desire or impulse to experience sexual satisfaction. Some asexuals do have a libido, it’s just that it’s essentially aimless. Their bits downstairs will activate and call out for attention, but that doesn’t make a person feel sexually attracted toward anyone else.”

    So, am I alibidinal as well as asexual, then? Because my ‘bits’ don’t even react if I masturbate.

    • If your lack of libido is sudden, or if it bothers you, I suggest you speak with your doctor about the way it makes you feel.

      It’s not a bad thing, by any means, but if you are worried or bothered by your lack of libido, or ability to become aroused (as, if you do choose to have sex, it can be extremely uncomfortable and not enjoyable), there could be a hormonal imbalance/issue worth looking into.

  2. So, even though I love having sex I can still be asexual. I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone, just the acts themselves. Additionally, when I find myself emotionally attracted to someone the thought of having sex with them often makes me cringe.

    • I am also like this. I definitely have a functioning libido, but I don’t think of anyone ‘in that way’, even someone I’m dating. Even if we were to have sex, I would just feel like I’m doing something for them because I care about them.

      • I know it’s SUPER late to this, but aromanticism has nothing to do with asexuality; being aro means you don’t feel romantic attraction, nothing to do with sexual attraction. The fact that they’re emotionally attracted to a person and are repulsed by the idea of having sex with that specific person just shows a lack of sexual attraction (i.e. asexuality)

  3. I’m not sure if I’m asexual or not. The reason I’m here is because my friend started calling me it, so I’ve been researching to see if she’s right.
    I know I have a sex drive, and I’m pretty sure I’m not attracted to girls. Guys however, I have no clue.
    Seriously, how do I know if I’m attracted to guys? I don’t really pay attention enough to know.

  4. This article specifically addresses issues I’ve been trying to explain to people who think being “asexual” is a choice …. I’ve forwarded it … thank you.

    • what does it mean? how is it possible? if you love sex, why don’t you want to do it? can u elaborate on what does it mean to like sex but be asexual?

      • I am no expert, but personally, I feel a difference between having fantasies, and actually doing it. Asexual is just lack of attraction, so you would have sex for the sex, rather than because the person is hot.

  5. I pretty much understand it. But I still don’t know if my husband has a low libido or is asexual (if he is asexual I don’t think he’d want to admit it). I know he loves to be “romantic” (cuddle, hold hands, etc). But I’ve always wondered if he truly wants to have sex, or is just doing it for me. He’s said before ” I just don’t think about it” (sex), and when he masterbates (which is only once or twice a month) he says he never thinks of anything. I can just tell there isn’t much desire there, or that he’s more acting like it for me. I know he is into women, so its not that. He says he’s been this way his whole life. I could go on about this but I won’t. I just wish I knew if it was low libido or asexual. Because at least low libido you can fix. Not that there’s anything wrong with being asexual, its just that I’m not, and I’d rather my husband not be. What does confuse me is how can an asexual love sex?? I get that being asexual means your not sexually attracted to someone, but if your not sexually attracted to anyone how can you enjoy the act of sex? That’s the only part that’s confusing to me.

    • *continued from above* For example..the people I had a spark with and/ or was attracted to the sex/fooling around was amazing! For the people I didn’t have a spark with or wasn’t that attracted to (2 people), the experience was okay or good. So, its hard for me to understand how an asexual can love sex if they aren’t sexually attracted to them?

      • But what about one night stands and relationships that are purely sex?

        People have varying libidos. Libido itself, lust, is what decides the intensity and quality of the orgasm. Sexual attraction can ENHANCE the libido. I’m bisexual so my libido activates for both genders. But ultimately, my libido directly reacts to visual stimuli of the sexual organs. If it’s “hot” enough to me, I can extremely horny.

        Whether you have sexual attraction or not, it will vary from person to person how powerful their libido is and what factors affect it… and to what extent they effect it. you can have someone that, just have an extremely high libido.

        So to answer your question, if the Asexual has a high libido even without sexual attraction no doubt it will feel amazing.

        • I have a high libido, however I prefer to satisfy my libido through masturbation alone. I have no innate desire for partnered sexual contact (shared genital stimulation with another person) and when I do have partnered sex, regardless of whether or not I am extremely aroused, I do not enjoy the act of sex (stimulation of my genitals by oral, fingers, penetration etc) I find it boring and look forward to it being over. Why? because I feel no sexual attraction. I am not genital repulsed, I am not ashamed of my body, I think humans look nice naked, I just don’t experience sexual attraction. I experience *sensual* attraction when in love, and enjoy intimacy and sensual acts with my asexual partner, and we both experience arousal during said sensual acts, however, we lack the sexual aspect of attraction. Our arousal and our sensuality does not lead us to desire partnered sex with each other, we relieve our arousal through masturbation (on our own) eventually if we feel the need to. Just to be clear, AVEN defines sexual attraction AS the desire for partnered sexual contact, the desire to share ones sexuality with another person. It has nothing to do with libido or arousal. A heterosexual man isn’t just heterosexual purely because he finds women attractive/hot/sexy, it’s the fact that he *desires partnered sex with the women he finds attractive* that makes him heterosexual. He may still appreciate aesthetic aspects of other men etc, but he has no desire for partnered sex with other men, regardless of how handsome he may think they are, therefore he feels no sexual attraction toward other men. He’d generally rather masturbate than have sex with another man (of no woman was available) because he is heterosexual. An asexual feels this way about people of all genders, though may give sex to please a sexual partner, and may even enjoy the sensations of the sex while it’s happening but if given the choice could happily go without partnered sex for the rest of their lives, because it is not something they *need*. Just as a heterosexual man in no way *needs* partnered sex with other men. He still may have a very high libido, and experience arousal often,
          but in most cases he could happily go the rest of his life without having sexual contact with another male, because it is just not something he has any innate desire for.

          I hope that helps clear up this whole sexual attraction/libid/loving sex confusion many people seem to have. Asexuality is not wholly about whether or not you find people of a certain gender(s) *hot* or not, it’s about whether or not you desire partnered sex with the people that you find attractive, regardless of the level of your libido.

          • Very well written! Coming from personal experience, you were able to explain this in a way that adds a dimension to what I have read. It really helped.

          • I’ve been trying to understand the whole behaviour Vs attraction thing for a while, as I have some ace acquaintances who share a lot of ace memes touching on this subject, which up until now have been inscrutable to me, but your explanation is the best I’ve seen, and it suddenly all make sense. Thanks for helping me and others understand :)

    • Okay, so I’m completely new to this whole asexually spectrum. I was completely clueless that asexually do have sex drives! I have always had a sex drive, but never looked at someone and thought to myself “hey I wonder what it would be like to have sex with him/her”. I have date both men and women and have been “aroused”, but I never have been one to initiate sex. I don’t think
      about for the most part. I have fantises but don’t have the desire to act on them. Like I’ve said I’ve dated both men and women and I get aroused on and off for about two weeks then it just disappears. Maybe it is the idea of being in the relationship that “turns me on”? I’m still confused by asexually, but I’m open to learning more….

      • Look up gray asexuality. Gray asexuals experience sexual attraction (desire for partnered sex) only when they have formed a strong emotional connection with someone.

        • This describes my other half and helps me to understand them. They only became sexually attracted to me after the emotional connection had been established.

          • This is late but sounds a lot like demisexuality where one tends to not experience sexual attraction for another until they’ve formed an emotional connection to them.

      • I get it. You said, “I get aroused on and off for about two weeks then it just disappears”. This has been for my whole life.

  6. I’m not sure I’m asexual neither, I’m trying to read more about this to find out more of who I am, I’d say I do have a sex drive but not that much, and I don’t feel that excited about men as most girls (I am 19yrs) I don’t feel anything when my boyfriend kisses me touches my boobs or touches me on my body but I do feel something when he goes down on me but not always and when I do it’s after a long time of him being down there(sometimes I never ask him to not stop because I don’t want make it seem like a chore), I try to concentrate as much as I can but most times it just doesn’t help.I told him 2 days ago how I didn’t feel anything about being touched(not that I don’t want to be touched). And he was a little confused but accepting, don’t get me wrong I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being asexual I just don’t think I’d love to be like this, maybe I’m just living in self denial but I also think I only feel this way because I’m still a virgin please help, I think sex might hurt (whenever my boyfriend pressed against me I felt a little pain down there) so I don’t want have it yet but then when I think again I feel it may help me know for sure my sex orientation, to be honest I want a relationship and to have sexual feelings/sex drive like most ppl. Please help me. My parents are too religious I can’t talk to them about this because they just call in everyone in the prayer group and start praying, which I don’t think would help.

    • Hi, I am 20, a virgin, female and Asexual. I noticed that you didn’t have a reply here so I thought I would give this a try. Hopefully you find this helpful.
      The only one who can tell you what you feel is you. That being said there are things that can help you figure things out.
      First ask yourself what kind of attraction it is that you are feeling: sexual/romantic/or aesthetic. I personally feel only grey-romantic and aesthetic attraction. Just because you are asexual or sexual does not guarantee that you will feel one or both of the others. It is important to differentiate between the three. They can overlap but they are not the same. Some of your confusion could be because you may have mixed some of these up. It may take a lot of soul searching but I found that when I had figured out what I was feeling it really helped me to understand… well, what I was feeling and why. Having sex won’t make you sexual if you aren’t. Just as not having sex won’t make you asexual if you aren’t.
      Secondly experiencing sexual attraction and having a libido or sex drive are also different. For example: if you are walking along the street and you see someone (whether they are male or female) and your body or mind say ‘I would like to have sex with them’ that is sexual attraction. Now libido(sex drive) is different. For example: You are alone in your room, and maybe you were reading something, then you realize that your ‘lady parts’ (or male parts) have ‘come online’ and would like some attention. So you either decide to ignore it(maybe you have some dishes that are more important?) or you decide to masturbate because… well why not? (You may enjoy the feeling, or find it pleasurable) Of course what you need to understand is that everyone is different. Some people like masturbating (whether they are sexual or asexual) and find it enjoyable. Some people do not. The same can be said of sex. Some people (sexual and asexual) have a high or low libido. Some asexual’s have no libido. I occasionally masturbate, have a low libido that sometimes completely disperses, and no desire to have sex with someone. Everyone is different, and it is completely okay to like something that I or someone else doesn’t. Just as it is okay for me to like something that you don’t. Many asexual’s don’t have sex. Many asexual’s do have sex and enjoy it. If you want to have sex, the only thing I have to say is: be safe. If you do not want to have sex then: okay.
      So now that you (hopefully) understand all that, all I have left to say is that… If you want to have a romantic relationship without sex you can. I would strongly suggest that both you and your partner have several long conversations about what both of you are feeling, whether you decide to have sex or not. The only one who can tell you what you are is you! Good luck.

    • Hey there,
      I’m an 18 year old non-virgin, considering identifying herself as an asexual.
      I do enjoy sex, in the sense that it gives me a sense of power or gratitude in making someone else happy (depending on if it’s someone I like or not). I do get turned on, albeit by unconventional things (speed, mostly. Not the drug, the actual act of being in a vehicle that goes fast), but I can’t get off on porn or erotica. It is impossible to get me to cum (whether through masturbation, sex, or oral), and I can get turned on and “satisfied” without having to have gotten off. I can also have sex with anyone, whether they attract me physically or emotionally or not (except it’s much more enjoyable to look at something pleasing during sex or enjoy the fact that you’re pleasing someone you actually like).

      I tell you this because our reactions to being touched are very similar. The best I can tell you is to enjoy the intimacy when your boyfriend kisses you or touches you. It may not turn you on, but you can revel in the fact that someone likes you and is turned on by you.
      As to being sensitive “down there”, go see a gynecologist about it. I had the same problem, the tip of my opening being crazy sensitive and sex hurting ALL. The. Time, even after multiple partners.
      They didn’t find anything, but they might with you. It does get less sensitive, especially after a bit. Do try different positions, as some hurt less than others.

      Good luck! :)

    • I feel the same way as you. Or at least I think I do. It’s so hard to understand what I’m feeling. I desire for my boyfriend to go down on me, but when he does I feel like I’m faking what I’m feeling. Ive masturbated before and I’m assuming ive orgasmed but sometimes I wounder if it actually feels good or if I’m projecting what I think I’m supossed to feel. I want to be sexual and I want to have these desires for my boyfriend but I’m so confused. I am having the same thoughts about whether I feel this way become I’m a virgin. I know this didnt help u at all but if I was in your shoes (which I kind of am) I know I would want to know someone has my same concerns

  7. I remember that, for a long time, I was a little uncertain of my sexuality due to my confusing libido, which exists despite identifying as asexual. Only recently do I realize that a person can be asexual and still have a libido, which is a big relief to me. However, I also consider myself to be genophobic in that I’m terrified of sexual intercourse. I consider most forms of physical contact to be incredibly sexually intimate (I know that’s probably really silly, but it just is to me), and sexual intercourse just seems way too far down the line. Is it weird that I hate intercourse that much, but don’t feel the same way about arousal at all? (There are times, to note, where I feel a bit ashamed of how I feel about arousal.)

    • Well, considering that intercourse is a crazy mess of hormones and fluids and a dangerously high heart rate, I don’t think it’s silly or weird to be scared of it. As for arousal, it’s all just biology and instinct, and humans are rising above that everyday. The idea of intimacy scares me a bit too, and I don’t know if I want sex with a partner, even though I have a girlfriend.

  8. I do not feel attracted to or desire to have sex with anyone.
    I’ve been like this since I can remember, I’ve had several boyfriends in the past, we only made out because I thought I could keep a relationship this way even though I don’t want to have sex or anything that has to do with it.
    I know now that I am not interested in changing myself for anyone, it’s hard to find someone who respects me being an asexual.

  9. Hi I’m 18 years old and I’m having trouble identifying if I am asexual or if it’s just me. I am currently in a relationship and to be honest when the mood is set I would much rather do something else then do sexual things. I am a virgin so I do not know how it feels to have sex but again I would rather just talk go out play games than have try to have sex. To be honest j don’t know know how to describe myself I find it rather difficult to explain myself. I just don’t know how.

    • I too was a bit obsessed with labelling myself for a time. If it worries you, then searching online will help. but there are 7 billion people in the world, and it would take too many sticky labels to go through them all. It’s okay not to be defined to meticulous detail

  10. How do people know their asexual? I mean do people just go on living with out knowing they are, I am 16 years olds and me and my boyfriend have been dating for ten months and I think he is sort of annoyed and to fact that I don’t really like being “physical”. I don’t know if its because I might be asexual or because I just terrified of the idea. The idea of sex to me has always been weird, awkward and sort of scary to me. This has lead to the thought that I the only one to feel like this. Everyone around me knows their sexually and who they are. I mean I care about my boyfriend I just don’t see him that way. I tried talking to my parents and they say I might just be not ready. Me don’t knowing my feeling and my fear has made it very awkward at school to talk to people, how do you not yell at someone “how the eff do you know if you like a boy or a girl or both when you have no clue if you ever felted that way to someone? “. My friends think it’s funny to pick on me for this. So I have some questions I thought maybe people here might have had similar situations to the one I’m in could answer. Is it possible to be asexual and be afraid of sex as a concept? and do people even know if they are sexually attracted to someone?

    • I get where you’re coming from. People seem so confident when they say their straight, and I’m bouncing around like a stoned Ping-Pong ball. I thought I was pansexual for a while, because I didn’t feel differently towards any gender.
      I suppose your libido and fantasies might give you a clue, but not necessarily. Don’t be pressured into anything! It’s okay not to know everything about yourself, the whole point of life *Warning – wandering off deep end here* is self discovery.

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  12. So i usually start to like people because they are noce to me and ot usually has nothing to do with their looks ive always wondered if maybe im asexual could you possibly help me?

  13. Hi. I’m a 19 year old agender person (biologically female, if that makes a difference somehow) and I’ve been thinking over my sexuality and such for a while and I’ve come to terms with it for the most part, but this still this one aspect of it that has been bothering me that I was wondering about.

    First of all, aesthetically, I know that I’m attracted to men (and occasionally, women who look more masculine) and I’m attracted to a LOT of them. It’s pretty often that I consider a guy to be “hot”.

    I also believe myself to be grey-romantic and grey-asexual towards men as well. I do develop crushes on men sometimes (maybe like 8 times total in my life? It’s a low number), but it is pretty rare, and it fizzles out pretty quickly half the time that it happens. I’ve been in romantic relationships before, but only two times and never any longer than a month because some sort of problem arose that led me to break up with them (the first time, he lied to me about himself and who he was, the second time I felt he rushed the relationship and pressured sex and wanted it too early…like a week in).

    I believe that I experience sexual attraction on occasions, but this is also rare, and purely mental. I think about and fantasize about sex in general quite often (pretty much a daily basis), and I also picture myself having sex or in sexual situations often as well. Sometimes, I look at a person and I think “Yeah, I would have sex with them, if you put my lack of libido aside”. That sort of mental response from when when I look at a person however is pretty rare. And watching porn or looking at sexual images usually does nothing for me both phyiscally and mentally. I find porn to be quite boring, and sometimes even disgusting.

    However, despite lacking sexual attraction, I still want to have sex, especially later down the road with a romantic partner, if I ever get one. The idea of pleasuring a partner is really appealing to me. I’ve actually experimented sexually with people a couple times (3 total), and even though I felt nothing phyiscally and thus felt bored when they tried pleasuring me, I still enjoyed pleasuring them and it made me feel really good about myself when I did it (but not physically aroused), and I’d even like to do it again. But despite lacking the sexual attraction most of the time, I still do wish that I at least FELT something physical.

    In other words, I can come to terms with my grey-asexuality, but it’s the fact that I have a low libido that bothers me. I’m a virgin, but I’ve tried masturbating, sex toys, receiving head, and getting fingered and having my body groped and touched all over, but it always feels either painful, or like nothing, and it angers me. I think in my whole life, I’ve only felt physical arousal maybe two times, and I’m not even sure if that was what I was feeling or if it was something else. I’ve had sex described to me before, and it sounds really great and appealing to me and I would like to experience the physical feeling at least, whether with another person, attracted to them or not, or just by myself. I’d especially like to feel it on those rare occasions when I DO feel that mental attraction. I want my partner to be happy that they’re pleasing me. I want sex to feel pleasing, to make it easier for me to have kids later. Even though I’m okay with rarely feeling romantic or sexual attraction mentally, I’m not okay with the low-libido and never experiencing something physically.

    So I was just wondering, can my libido at least be heightened or fixed with medications or something? Or is that just a tie-in with my sexuality that is never going to be fixed, no matter how hard I try? am I even asexual if I want to feel sex? I’m a bit confused by this. Has anyone on here tried anything to heighten libido and had it work for them?

    • Adding on, I’ve kind of realized that general sexual desire (mental), sexual attraction towards a particular person, and physical libido are 3 different things that I experience the 3 at different levels (sexual attraction towards a person= rare, mental desire for sex= more frequent, libido= absolutely none). I’m okay with everything but the libido, which I kind of want to fix and is the only one I know that could possibly be fixed, which is why I’m asking.

      • I’m a 21 year old female possibly identifying as bisexual, however I’ve only been with men. Each time I’ve done it, I’ve realized, the pleasure for me came out of pleasing the other person, so much that it was even enough for me to do it again and again. It’s not desperation or lack of self-esteem but I think just boredom and simply, enjoyment for intense /intimate experiences, although the intensity/intimacy I think for me came from having memories from my own experiences to visualize during masturbation later on rather than for enjoyment in the moment with the other person… sounds a little off I know.

        I don’t think I’ve ever had an actual sexual attraction towards another person before, and that maybe I got that confused with wanting to be mentally satisfied, or satisfied in some other way, through sex with another person (but not sexual satisfaction, if that makes sense) since I think about sex and sexual situations quite often. When I watch sex scenes in movies and certain ones in porn, I become aroused, but I think more towards the act/experience itself and not really doing it with another person or another person doing it to me. It’s actually more arousing to me to think about other people doing it without me having anything to do with it (is any of this making sense to anyone?? LOL)

        However, I’d be totally fine with pleasing whoever I’m with and I believe it can be very fun sometimes, as it has in the past. I find many men and women to be very attractive, and I’ve become sexually aroused from another man touching me, kissing certain parts of my body, etc., however not through penetration in most cases.

        I think I might have a low libido, but in my case low libido when it comes to sexual gratification with another person, I guess with men since I’ve only been with men. However, masturbating works for me, and it’s the only way I’ve been able to achieve anything like it. But can it even work like that, can you have low libido but can still easily self-satisfy?

        I’m unsure if I’m asexual, have a low sex drive, need a more experimental/patient male partner, or need to try being with a female (because I stare at women more than I’d like to admit) or all of the above? I’m looking for ways to “heighten” my libido so that I can feel it when I’m with another person, and not always by myself. It is very frustrating because everyone talks about sex like it’s this amazing thing and I guess I’ve kind of had a taste of it, but still, it makes me feel a little left out. I’d like to experience an orgasm from a guy evaporating my walls, and not from the thought of it.

        I’m currently looking for a doctor to talk about it with, but what do you guys think?? Can anyone relate?

  14. I’m 71 not married and never will be but I have no interest in sex with any female or male. I have lots of friends but I wouldn’t attempt sex or intimacy with any one. Most people don’t understand me, but they accept me as another old unattached guy. For years I never under stood myself, not having sexual feelings toward any one! Just recently asexual was explained to me and I fit the mold perfectly. I asked my doctor about it and he agreed that I was asexual. He told me that was just me all my internal parts were working fine for a guy my age. And not to worry about it and just go about my life like I have been doing.

    • What if you thought you were asexual, but then after having sex with someone for a while you suddenly only get a sexual urge for them? Does that mean you’re still asexusl? Or is there a different sexuality for that? Or is, like some say, that you’ve just found the right person?

    • I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to leave a reply, I meant to leave a comment but clicked on the wrong thing! Really sorry

  15. Something that happened to me got me thinking if I’m an asexual person.
    I can still masturbate and get attracted to a person ( like a hot guy or girl ) but thinking of having sex with them doesn’t interest me in any way and thinking about sex disgust me.
    Please help.
    I can’t talk to my parents about this because we’re not close and if I talk to my sister she’ll babble to my mom.

    • I get where you’re coming from. For me, fantasies are hot but as soon as you think of having sex in real life it’s just weird. I think of asexuality as a kind of spectrum. Sexual identity used to be important to me but now I don’t mind not being labelled. As long as your partner can accept who you are.

  16. I’m a little confused about wether I’m asexual or not.
    I can appreciate an attractive person when I see one (which is rarely) but my opinion on the idea of having sex varies for me.
    At times I can feel absolutely repulsed and I often feel uncomfortable in intimate situations and I still feel uncomfortable with kissing. This I would think is a fear of intimacy?
    Then at other times I just feel disinterested. The idea doesn’t repulse me as much at times but it just seems kind of pointless (Or just gross) and nothing has really driven me to experiment yet.
    Then there is the fact that I would definitely be fine with a more romantic relationship. Sex for me is something that you shouldn’t really need in a relationship and it’s unnecessary. I’m personally more attracted to people’s personalities. If their personality is appealing then that is ow I see them as far as relationships but nothing about a person has ever made me think ‘wow I really want to have sex with that person. That person is HOT.’ I can appreciate an attractive person when I see them (I think?) but most of the time I will judge them on their personality. Although I still know that I would most likely date a guy.
    Would this fear of intimacy + disinterest in the idea of sex + lack of attraction to a person’s physical appearance = asexuality? I just need some advice tbh.

    • Do you like the idea of cuddling? is it always uncomfortable to be intimate? What is your idea of a romantic relationship?
      I personally like the idea of a romantic relationship but cannot imagine actually being with a person. Whatever you are, you have the right to be it.

      • Cuddling is fine, although sometimes it’s uncomfortable. It’s not always uncomfortable when it comes to kissing but anything further than that is uncomfortable.
        A romantic relationship for me is I guess, doing romantic things. Taking each other out for lunch, watching movies, serenades and all that sort of stuff. I would like to be with someone but not in an intimate way. Cuddling and maybe kissing is as far as I want to go in a relationship in terms of intimacy.

        • I would assume you are asexual then. Your discomfort with intimate moments may be because the sexual connotations are unsettling. Maybe the uncomfortable feeling will disappear with someone you trust, or maybe it won’t. It doesn’t matter as long as your partner respects your boundaries.

  17. wow ive thought i was pansexual for so long but now this is making me think im asexual this is messing with my head :( im totally not sure

  18. Hi, I’m new here. I’m not quite sure where I fit in at all, maybe some of you guys can give me some kind of incite. I read through so much of this but I don’t seem to fit much of this and it just left me confused.

    For starters, I’m married with two kids… I didn’t start to think that maybe I was asexual (on the spectrum- grey or demi… maybe you guys can help me?) until more recently. I brought it up to my husband who is AMAZING, and thinks I probably am… and he is absolutely nothing but supportive.

    So here we go… I’m married with kids, which is different than anything I’ve read. I’ve only ever dated guys (I’m female). I’ve never looked at a celebrity/person on the street or even a boyfriend and want to jump their bones. EVER. I find guys attractive, but I’m far more interested in their personalities and that’s how I chose who to date. I’ve never been an initiator for anything affectionate. I’ll return the gesture, but I honestly can name five times, and it’s only been with my husband, that I’ve initiated any kind of contact.

    Never, looking back now, have I ever “enjoyed” sex. I’ve never made the first move, honestly, if I had to choose between sex and nachos, still… I’d go nachos. I do it because I know it brings pleasure to my husband (or previous boyfriends), and once we’re “going”, it feels good and I participate, but I don’t think I’ve EVER initiated. EVER.

    My hormones are all in check- I’ve had them drawn multiple times throughout my life. I’m not even super into being touchy at all. It’s awkward and makes me uncomfortable.

    Could I be asexual? Is that what this is?? I just feel like I’m in some weird category of my own because I’m happily married with two little boys, and not a teenager just starting out. Thanks in advance, everyone! :)

    • It sounds like you may be asexual. Have you read the ‘asexual intercourse’ post on this site? You may relate to it..? However, we are all different and it may not link to your personal experience. Good luck xxx

    • I think you could be asexual or maybe demi but in the end it’s your decision how to identify :)

      And you’re not alone. I haven’t got any children but I were together with my ex husband for almost ten years and I was 28 or 29 before I first knew what asexuality actually was about and that I could be it. Before I just always assumed that I was a strange and faulty kind of heterosexual. Now I identify myself as a heteroromantic demisexual/gray-a.

  19. i’ve been identifying as ace for awhile now but i’m not entirely sure if that’s what i am. like i know when i look at people i don’t get the sexual attraction, and when i get turned on its more of an annoyance and i either ignore it or give in to just so the feeling goes away. and any fantasies i have are more about the act itself not whether its a specific guy or girl, and honestly the idea of other people doing it is much more arousing than the idea of myself doing it.. but like when i get touched like anywhere near my ‘bits’ and even like gentle touches to like my arms or legs i can feel myself getting aroused? i don’t like it and i REALLY don’t like being touched by other people especially in a sexual manner but what i wanna know is
    if having the feeling of physical pleasure (despite that mentally i really dislike it) mean that i’m not ace?
    i’m seeing a lot of people saying they don’t feel anything and that’s what is making me question whether i’m truly ace or not

    • I would say that you are kind of sex repulsed. And asexuality exist in a spectrum for example demisexual can feel sexual attration when they have a bond with someone. Get a look in the spectrum.

  20. I’m beginning to think that I fit somewhere on the asexuality specturm but I’m still unsure.

    I’m in my thirties and I’m a virgin. I’ve never romantically kissed anyone (I’ve given a peck or two on a date), but its not something I’m against. I do have sexual urges that are usually aroused by something I’ve seen or read. I don’t have the urge to do any of those things with another person though. If I do masturbate it’s something that I don’t linger over and finish quickly to get on with something else. I don’t do it every day or even every week, and I’ve never fantasized about anyone it particular while doing so.

    Sex doesn’t repulse me though, and I’d probably do it if I was in a committed relationship or married to someone I love. I’ve had crushes on men that I’ve gotten to know, but I’ve never had that “bam, he’s hot I would totally have sex with him” inclination. I also don’t really get some people’s need, who aren’t in relationships to go out and have sex, especially with people they’ve only just met. Sometimes, once I’ve gotten to know a man and perhaps started to like him, that attraction fades if I find out he’s into me as well.

    When I was younger I wanted to have boyfriends, probably because my friends all did (and still do or are married), but now I’m not actively seeking a man. If I meet a nice guy, great, I’m open to it, but if not I’ll be fine with that as well. I’ve been bummed lately because I have a sister who, whenever she’s in a relationship, likes to try to set me up with her guy friends and I’m not sure if I can correctly articulate why that REALLY disinterests me.

    Maybe if demisexual? I literally have no idea.

    • That sounds very similar to my feelings. I identify as asexual, but I suppose I could be demisexual..?
      However, are you interested in romantic relationships? You could be aromantic as well as ace…

  21. I’m 18 years old, I have social anxiety and I think I’m asexual.
    I had sex really early, too early and I always felt like it shouldn’t have happened. I never really wanted to do it but I did it . I thought that it was for pleasing my boyfriends but when I learned about my social anxiety I understood that it was also because I didn’t want to be rejected for saying no. So I did it without being ready, without feeling any good in it. Touching myself was more pleasing than when it was them. I read in a commentary above about partnered sex or not and I understand that I don’t want to do partnered things. I feel better doing it on my own. It’s not that I don’t feel anything but I don’t like that. In my last relationship I had horrible stomach pain everytime after sex. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that I didn’t like sex, that it was making suffer. I was not able to explain but now I can say that it’s not my thing and I’m never going to fake it anymore. Some people (like this boyfriend) don’t understand that you can have sex, being aroused but don’t like that. I don’t need it, I don’t like it and I don’t want it. But I can be aroused and masturbate without any other reason that my body says “hi it’s time for this”.
    I do feel romantic and aesthetic attraction. I want to spend time cooking, reading, walking or whatever with girl or boy. But no touchy. I think that even kiss and hug can make me uncomfortable but at the same time I’m ok with it.

    I’m happy to have find a way to understand myself after years of questions and stressful moments.

  22. Hi, I’ve been reading here from time to time, trying to figure out myself. I always had this dilemma of asexual vs low libido, and reading quite helped me to figure out the difference between them in general but as for myself I’m still quite confused. When I first started to be sexually active, which is over a year ago( I’m 21) I wanted sex, but I think just for the sex part cause it was new to me, I liked the idea that someone wants me because in my youth I didn’t get the attention from boys. i did felt that I am aroused, I still get aroused by my boyfriend, but when sex happens I feel from little pleasure to nothing at all and wanting for everything to end. I am never the one to encourage sex, I’m not really into intimacy at all. Maybe sometimes I do want to cuddle, to kiss, but not that often. There are a lot of things I think I need to figure out, but I just need some maybe direction: is this asexuality(ofcourse I;m not hoping that you will say “yes” adn then I’ll be like “okay, I;m asexual I guess”) or maybe is something else, maybe is a due to my past quite bad sexual experiences?

  23. This has cleared up a lot for me. I always just thought I was odd…and to make matters worse it’s like my family INSISTED that I date. They used to say *It’s okay if you’re gay, we still love you!* or *You’re going to die alone!* or *You really need to find a man to take care of you!* I appreciate that they’d accept me no matter who I chose to love, a lot of people don’t get that in their lives and I’m sorry for that…however. I felt so pressured to find someone…i made a few choices that I really regret, now. I did things trying to make myself feel normal or that I thought ‘normal couples do this, right?’ Despite an actual interest in them.

    I’m married now, and I absolutely love my husband to death, but those things that I tried to do because its what I felt normal people did have become a big issue. I have no sexual attraction to anyone, I may think people look good, but it’s generally a style pref. (Like, I really love masculine women. But it’s not a sexual thing. I just really love it when women look strong or powerful. Like Red Sonja!)

    I attempt to give my husband what he needs, but I know it’s not a lot, and sometimes I worry about it. He’s so great, though. I couldn’t have asked for a more understanding husband…

    I just feel like family pressure can push people into situations that are emotionally devastating…the pressure to constantly find or be in a relationship…i dont understand why people do this. You see all the time, a running joke in movies where everyone is sitting at the table and someone asks someone else *So, you find a girlfriend yet?*

    Relationship status’ shouldn’t be such a massive goal in people’s life. This is why I love powerful women, typically they are independent. Sure, some may find choose a relationship, but they are just fine in their own.

    I just wonder how many other people were pressured into similar situations as myself…

    Also, thank you for such an informative article! It made things so much easier to understand.

  24. It is also not an immature condition that someone grows out of. It doesn’t matter if you change later, we all do in one way or another, but nobody tries to call people out on their self identity on most things just because it could change later. I’m so tired of people hearing about asexuality and talking about how teenagers should shut up about it because they can’t know what they “really are” just because they “will change later”.

  25. So I really like to mess with people’s heads so I actually like I am attracted to them, flirt with them etc. But i never actually feel sexually attracted to anyone. Am I still asexual?

  26. “There are asexual men, asexual women, asexuals who are transgender, and asexuals of no gender.”

    Just popping in to say that I don’t really like the wording of this, OP. As a trans person, it’s a huge pet peeve of mine when people say that being transgender is separate from being female or male.

  27. what does this go under if a male is attracted to just females but does not want a sexual relationship nor sexual attraction to or with anyone

  28. I am in my sixties, and in my third marriage. I have never been in love, I have never felt sexual attraction for men or woman. Although I do appreciate looking at both men and women I consider handsome, or have something about them that appeals to me. However, when in a relationship I crave physical touch, sitting close, stroking/massaging of my/their skin, (with no intention that it become sexual intercourse), feeling safe and comfortable and happy and trusting with that person. Intercourse has always been something I did because it was what my husband wanted.. I wanted it to be over quickly although I got pleasure from it provided we had shared satisfying foreplay; but I hated finger penetration. That to me was an abusive intrusion, almost like rape. I masturbate occasionally using a vibrator, but it’s fuelled by imagining I am watching two other people fucking, I am never a participant. It is only in the last few months I accidentally stumbled upon asexuality, and I finally realise why all my life I’ve felt uncomfortable in my skin, why I always feel different to everyone else, why I just don’t fit in…I’ve been trying to be what I am not. Although I may never tell anyone I am asexual, now at least I know, and I feel some relief that this is ok, and so am I. (There is love…I have a gorgeous 11yo granddaughter, she is the joy in my life).

  29. I’ve been on the fence about whether I’m asexual or gray. I’ve wanted a relationship but I find that I’m really picky with choosing a partner because I feel the need to be comfortable with them. I’ve never had sex but I feel it is important for the relationship to share the feeling and just being comfortable with them. I do like masterbation because of the feeling but I would never go out of my way to have sex with someone. There has never been someone that I thought I wanted to be in a relationship in with or have sex with. When I do like someone it’s more of finding their face interesting and liking there personality. But I rather be friends with them and watch from afar. I rather fantasize about them but I would never act on it. If they wanted to start something I feel like our relationship would have to be slow and they would need to start things all the time for a while. I don’t know if I’m on the spectrum because I want to have sex but it’s hard to find someone I’m physically interested in and feel comfortable with. I’ve never been interested in kissing or holding hands but I like hugs or being cuddle when I’m sad.

  30. I don’t know if I’m asexual or not I am somewhat attracted to boys and girls more romantically than sexually I enjoy kissing and stuff like that but I don’t really enjoy doing more than that and I’m not interested but I do think about other people when I masturbate and I do get turned on when thinking about people fingering me but when it’s actually happening it almost feels like nothing and I want the other person to stop

  31. Hello, i am a female, 22 years old. I am still wondering what are my sexuality is until now. I am stumbling upon gray, demi and asexual. But still find it hard to figure.

    I was had relationship, enjoying kissing and a little touch but after that i fell repulsive. Then when 4 years without partner i feel more free. Never had any wish to become in relationship cause i feel being with someone is annoying.

    That is i think i am asexual or aromantic?

    Because then, i feel aroused when watched or read a sexual act and find that as my material things for masturbate. But after the bliss i feel nothing at all. I am also never have any wish to become the part of those sexual acts. Even i have flash imagination to have sex with men i find attractive and close to me. That is when i think i am demi.
    But to have the real act, just think of it makes me feel nausea.

    So, what is i am? Aromantic? Asexual? Demi? Gray? Or what? Please help me.

  32. Hello! Just started exploring and understanding asexuality. What does it mean when you say “Some asexuals love sex.”? How does having sex work around asexuality? Repulsions towards sex is something that it common when I read about asexuality so I thought it was about not wanting to have sex.

    Hope you don’t mind noob questions and I look forward understanding more. Thank you!

    • Thank you for your question. I, for example, am an asexual person who is repulsed by sex. But not all asexual people are repulsed. Asexuality means not having a desire to have sex. This does not necessarily mean not liking sex. Some asexual people may decide to have sex, not because of a desire, but simply making the decision to try it. But this is not me. I just don’t even want to try it.

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