How I Discovered I Am Asexual

This is how I discovered that I’m asexual.

This.  This one second of a TV-14 sex scene.

It wasn’t that I was repulsed or disgusted or bored or didn’t think the actors were “hot”.  It wasn’t anything like that.

It’s a standard TV sex scene:  Two characters fall into bed, exhausted from their simultaneous orgasm or whatever, but still with enough presence of mind to make sure their naughty bits are covered.

But watch it again.  See if you pick up what bothered me.

The guy falls straight back, to the lower right of the frame.  The woman falls straight back, to the upper right of the frame.

I was utterly baffled by the physical orientation of the two characters.

If they’re both falling straight back and they had just finished immediately prior to the cut to the scene (which is what’s strongly implied), then they should be falling straight back, in parallel, with her directly back on top of him.  Or maybe side by side, with one of them rolling or sliding off.

But they’re not parallel.  They’re at a roughly 45 degree angle to each other, with an intersection point around the center of her chest.  That would mean their genitals are not even remotely close to one another, it’s clear that there was no mouth contact, and from a position like that, even hand contact would be awkward. I suppose they could have been masturbating together, but why would they do that in a position where neither one could see anything?

So just what in the hell were they supposed to be doing there?

I have drawn this diagram to illustrate my confusion:

bonesorientation

As you can plainly see, there’s something strange here.

No, not with the clip from the TV show.  There’s something strange in that I launched a Zapruder Film style analysis of the clip from the TV show.  I didn’t once, in all of this, think “Look at those hot people having hot sex, that’s so hot”.

And then it clicked.  That’s pretty much the way I’d always looked at sex.  A puzzle to be solved.  A curiosity.  Not a desire.  Not a need.  Not a good time.  I looked at sex differently than everyone I’d ever heard talk about the subject.  There had to be a reason for that.  That’s what led to the investigation where I discovered asexuality.

This is how that one second of TV sex scene changed my life.

8 thoughts on “How I Discovered I Am Asexual

  1. That’s hilarious. What a great way to find out about yourself! And that’s the day a logically and anatomically incorrect sex scene changed your life. I love it. For me, I pretty much did the same thing…That is, when I actually realized what it was that these two people on screen are doing. I didn’t use to know what was happening, because of just how awkward it looked. It didn’t make sense. So as a kid, and even beyond, adults didn’t need to skip over sex scenes for me because I simply didn’t get it.

  2. YES!! I get what you are saying about sex and puzzles. Like you, I view sex with a more clinical curiosity, and dont attach much significance to it. Additionally, my father has always been very sex positive and I learned about it from a early age … This has let me to a very strage actitude towards sex, since I’m actually A LOT less embarrassed when talking about it than most people.

    • I have the exact same experience. I’m pretty sex-positive, in terms of supporting others’ decisions about sex, but not very motivated myself. I’ve read lots about sex and kink but with ‘clinical curiosity’ like you say. I know a lot from an academic perspective and have been in situations where I answered others’ questions, but then they seemed uncomfortable when I gave them correct answers and explanations. I think it’s sexual tension that I don’t get – the push/pull, the attraction/embarrassment.

  3. I’m not sure of my sexual orientation and I’m very confused. I’ve had a couple of relationships with the opposite sex but have ended them because i just couldn’t live a lie as in i just didn’t feel attracted to them. I now live in a celibate relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Could we both be asexual or am i bisexual. My very first sexual experience was with someone of the same sex. Ive recently tried dating opposite sex but feel repulsed when they try to kiss me. Any advice welcome.

    • You’re probably a biromantic ace. I’d just tell them politely that you don’t like kissing all that much.

  4. Thanks for sharing your story! I have always been different not really because of the lack of sex, but the lack of dating. That’s what everyone notices about me first. I did have a curiosity about sex just in a clinical way.
    In my early twenties, my brother asked me if I was asexual. Then a few years later I read a magazine article about people who called themselves asexual. Suddenly I knew I finally had an answer. I was so excited!
    Now it’s been 15 years. I’ll be celebrating my 40 year old virgin birthday in six months. I’ll post about it in the cake section of the website. You all are invited to go read about it to celebrate with me. And enjoy some cake while you’re at it.
    It’s an amazing feeling when you finally understand your own story! It’s so awesome, we all have a story to tell & thanks for listening to mine!

  5. I personally don’t know where I stand. I am quite young and haven’t had any dating experience so my confusion could just be from that. I’ve never had a crush on anyone and whenever my friends see a cute guy online I never really relate to what they are feeling. I don’t think I’m asexual because I’m a very affectionate person. When watching that clip, I too wasn’t thinking “they just had sex, that’s hot”, more like “that guy’s face looks weird when he fall down”. However, I find that I am more interested in these type of sex scene when it’s with characters I am invested in. I am confused about what I should be feeling and I don’t know where I’m asexual, lesbian (because I’ve never had a crush on a guy), or just a late bloomer and someone who is working themselves up over nothing. I know this is a lot but I’m just confused about who I am.

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