An Asexual’s Guide To … Arousal

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What’s this “Arousal” thing I’ve heard of?

Sexual arousal, the type of arousal I’m talking about here, is the body preparing itself for sexual activity of some kind.  It doesn’t mean that you have to do anything, and it doesn’t mean you want to do anything.  It’s just your body saying “Hey, there might be sex about to happen.  I should probably get ready for that, just in case.”  Of course, in some cases, your body isn’t grounded in reality and will end up getting aroused all by itself, for no reason at all.

Arousal is also called being “turned on” because it is, in a way, like your genitals (and other areas, like the nipples) have been turned on or activated.  Most of the time, your genitals are in a kind of sleep mode, where they don’t really feel any different or respond to touch more than any other part of your body.  For instance, most people with a penis don’t have to fight off an orgasm every time they step up to a urinal.  Arousal is the state where these body parts become more sensitive and more receptive to touch and other stimulation.

Can an asexual get aroused?

For the most part, yes.  Arousal is a physical response, and it does not require sexual attraction.  Aces may be less likely to become aroused in certain situations (for instance, when someone who’s “hot” walks by), but if an asexual cannot get aroused at all, then there is likely something other than asexuality at work and consulting a doctor might be in order.

But doesn’t arousal mean someone isn’t asexual?

Of course not!  Arousal in no way contradicts, counteracts, or invalidates asexuality.  One of the triggers of sexual arousal is sexual attraction, but there are countless other triggers that have nothing to do with attraction of any kind.  Arousal does not mean that someone is thinking about sex, wants sex, or has experienced sexual attraction.  It just means that certain body parts are exhibiting their typical functionality.

It’s perfectly fine for an asexual to become aroused.

It’s perfectly fine for an asexual to want to become aroused.

It’s perfectly fine for an asexual to enjoy being aroused.

It’s perfectly fine for an asexual to take steps to become aroused.

It’s perfectly fine for an asexual to become aroused by someone else.

It’s perfectly fine for an asexual to not want to become aroused.

It’s perfectly fine for an asexual to be curious about arousal.

It’s perfectly fine for an asexual to not care about arousal.

We’re not going to take away your Ace Club Membership Card if you’re ever aroused, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise (particularly if that someone is not asexual themselves).

How can I tell if I’m aroused?

If you’re wet and/or hard downstairs, it’s a good bet you’re aroused.

I’m not sure I understand.  Can you be a bit more specific about what happens when I’m aroused?

Blood flows to the genitals.  This “fills up” or “inflates” certain areas.  Your genitals may feel “full” or “warm” or “heavy”.

For a female body, this means your labia will enlarge, the walls of your vagina will swell, and your clitoris will become erect, which means that it’ll get bigger and harder, and may come out of hiding from under its hood.  Your nipples may also get hard.

For a male body, this means that your penis will become erect, which means that it’ll get bigger and harder and stand up on its own.  This is often the most noticeable sign of arousal in a male body, which is why many people refer to arousal as “getting hard”. If you have a foreskin, the head of the penis may emerge from the foreskin.  Your nipples may also get hard.

Your genitals will likely be more sensitive and receptive to touch.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that it suddenly feels good if something touches them (although it can), but it does mean that you’re more likely to notice if something touches them.  In some cases, you might feel a muscle twitch in response to a touch.  In many cases, it will start to feel good after a while if you do touch your genitals at this point.  That’s called masturbation, and will be covered in a different post.

Your genitals may change color.  They’re probably not going to turn bright green or radioactive fuchsia or anything like that, but they may get darker or turn redder or purple.  They may not change color uniformly, either.  The head of the clitoris or the penis may change while nothing else does.

Your genitals may become lubricated.  This lubrication is a somewhat thick, slippery, clear fluid.  It is not urine.  There’s usually not a large amount of this fluid, although the more you’re aroused or the longer you’re aroused, the more of it there will typically be.  If you pinch some of it between your fingers, then pull your fingers apart, the fluid may form a string between your fingers.

For a male body, there may be a small amount of lubricating fluid that flows out of the tip of the penis.  This is called pre-ejaculate fluid, also known as precum.  It won’t come out in a stream, like urine, or a spurt, like semen.  Instead, a few drops at a time will flow from the urethra.  This fluid is often not produced right away after becoming aroused.  It is not the same as semen and does not typically contain sperm.  In some cases, you may even produce this fluid without an erection, if you have been at a low level of arousal for a while.  It doesn’t always happen, and doesn’t happen for everyone, so don’t worry if you don’t have any.

For a female body, the walls of the vagina may become lubricated.   This is often the most noticeable sign of arousal in a female body, which is why many people refer to arousal as “getting wet”.  As the vagina becomes lubricated, the fluid may spread to the rest of the vulva area.

Your pulse and rate of breathing may increase.

You may get a “sex flush”, which looks a bit like you’re blushing, but it’s primarily on your chest.  Don’t worry if you don’t have this happen, though.  Many people do not.

None of these changes are permanent.  As the arousal subsides, all of these changes will go away, whether or not you’ve had an orgasm.

I may get “hard”?  Like concrete?

It’s not actually like that at all.  Your genitals won’t feel like they’re solid all of a sudden.  It actually feels more firm, kinda like a muscle.  Harder than usual, yes, but still with some give to it.

Since it’s called being “turned on”, does that mean I’ll get aroused instantly?

Although it’s called being “turned on”, it’s less like turning on a light and more like turning on an oven.  It may take a while for everything to warm up.  You may not always be aware of the early stages of arousal, though.

How long does arousal last?

Anywhere from a few seconds to several hours.  It all depends on what you do.  If you ignore the arousal and stop any kind of stimulation (including of the mental kind) that might be contributing to the arousal, it’ll often dissipate within a minute or so.  On the other hand, if you encourage the arousal in some way, then it can hang around for pretty much as long as you want it to.

Is arousal always the same?

No.  All of the effects are variable.  One time, you may end up very wet, but the next time, there might be hardly anything.  One time, you might become extremely sensitive to even the lightest touch, but the next time, you might be practically numb.  One time you might have a large and very stiff erection, but the next time, you might only get partially hard.  One time, you may stay aroused for half an hour, but the next time, you might only be aroused for a minute.

Does arousal feel good?

Maybe.  Often, arousal in itself is vaguely pleasant, but doesn’t really feel good.  What you do with the arousal can feel very good, though.  Sometimes, when you’re aroused, any contact with your genitals will send a shudder of pleasure through your body.  Other times, it doesn’t feel much different down there than it normally does.  Once you’re aroused, continued stimulation of your genitals may lead to orgasm, which usually feels really good.  Both orgasms and self-stimulation of your genitals (called masturbation) will be covered in other posts.

What if I don’t want to be aroused?

Wait a while.  It’ll usually fade away if you don’t do anything to keep it around.  Thing is, it has a habit of being just noticeable enough that it’ll keep you thinking about it, and thinking about it will keep you aroused.  So do something that’ll get you distracted, if possible.  Also, try shifting how you’re sitting and adjust your pants.  That may sound silly, but pressure on the parts down below (from sitting in a certain way or from clothing pressed against them) can actually trigger arousal.

Having an orgasm, through masturbation or other means, will also often take care of arousal, but that’s probably not the answer you were looking for…

How can I get aroused if I want to be?

First, relax.  Don’t push it.  Forcing yourself to become aroused and failing leads to stress, and stress is one of the most common arousal killers.  Don’t go into it thinking “This will never work”, because if you’re thinking that, there’s a good chance it won’t work.

There are many ways to try to become aroused.  This is only a partial list, there are countless others not listed here.

  • Think about becoming aroused.  Arousal is sometimes a self-fulfilling idea.
  • Touch yourself or have someone you’re comfortable with touch you.  Touching or rubbing your genitals, your inner thighs, or your breasts and nipples can often lead to arousal.  Sometimes even a shoulder massage might be enough to turn you on.
    • For males, touching, rubbing, squeezing or pulling on the shaft of your penis may work.  The head of the penis may be too sensitive to touch initially.  You may try sliding the skin of the shaft up and down gently.  Touching or rubbing your testicles or pressing against your perineum may also help.
    • For females, touching or rubbing your vulva may work.  Cupping your hand around the front of your vulva, and moving your hand back and forth while pressing against the vulva (gently at first) may also help.  Rubbing the outside of the clitoral hood or sliding the hood gently might get you aroused, although the clitoris itself may be too sensitive to touch.  Note that vaginal penetration may not be all that effective.
  • Apply pressure to your genitals.  Sit or lie in such a way that something presses against your genitals, in particular, your clitoris or penis.  A bunched up towel or blanket, balled up socks, or a folded pillow will often provide the right amount of pressure.
  • Think about sex.  Even though you’re asexual, thinking about sexual situations (Even if you’re not fantasizing about taking part) can get you aroused.  This does not mean that you’re not asexual.
  • Watch porn, watch a steamy scene in a movie, or read an erotic story.  Even if you’re asexual, erotica can sometimes turn you on.  This does not mean that you’re not asexual.
  • Use a sex toy.  Vibrators will generally work on a clitoris or a penis, and a cock ring will generally work on a penis.
  • Repeatedly clench and release your muscles downstairs, the same ones you’d use to stop peeing.  (Those are called your PC muscles and these clench-and-release exercises are called “Kegels”.)  Try clenching those muscles tight for as long as you can hold them.
  • Drive on a bumpy road or sit on a washing machine.  The strong vibrations may work to turn you on.
  • Press your thighs together repeatedly.  This has the effect of moving skin around and applying pressure to your genitals, without direct contact.
  • Read a list of tips for how to become aroused.  If you became aroused while reading the above, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Is it harder for an asexual to get aroused?

It’s probably harder for an asexual person to become aroused while thinking about sex.  It’s probably not any harder to become aroused by touching themselves or through most of the other methods I mentioned above.

Arousal is largely a physical process, and asexuality does not have a physical component.  As such, asexuality by itself does not prevent the physical process from taking place.

Of course, although arousal is a physical process, it can often be influenced by your state of mind.  That’s why thinking about sex can lead to arousal and being stressed out can prevent arousal.  So, if you feel that asexuals can’t get aroused or shouldn’t get aroused, or that being aroused means you’re not asexual, it’s certainly possible that those thoughts might be inhibiting arousal.

Can an asexual get aroused by another person?

Yep. Being asexual means that you don’t experience sexual attraction, but there are plenty of ways that someone else can get you aroused that don’t require attraction.  Getting aroused by someone else does not mean that you’re attracted to them, it just means that your body parts are doing what millions of years of evolution have resulted in them being built to do.

Can an asexual get aroused by porn or erotic stories?

Yep. It has been well established that people of any sexual orientation can be aroused by porn or erotic stories, even if the content runs counter to their sexual orientation.  Straight women can get turned on by lesbian porn, straight men can get turned on by the sight of a penis, lesbians sometimes enjoy watching gay male porn, and gay men sometimes enjoy watching a woman touch herself.  It does not mean that everyone is secretly bisexual, it just means that, for many people, one of the triggers of arousal is the sight of sex, regardless of the specific anatomy involved.  This is also true for many asexuals.

I can’t seem to get aroused.  Why not?  What can I do about it?

In many cases, an inability to become aroused is something you might want to discuss with your doctor, especially if you view it as a problem.  This is true, even if you have no interest in having sex with someone else.  There may be a treatable physical or psychological reason for your lack of arousal.  The following is a list of some specific reasons for why you might not be able to get aroused, but it’s by no means the only possible reasons.

  • Stressing about not being able to be aroused is often one of the biggest reasons someone can’t get aroused.  If you’ve convinced yourself that you can’t get aroused, then you probably won’t be able to get aroused.  Then next time you try, you’ll remember that you couldn’t get aroused the last time you tried, and you’ll be caught up in a downward spin..  Clear your mind of such negative thoughts and try again.  Don’t worry if you don’t succeed the first time.  Or the second.  Or the thirtieth or fortieth.
  • Stress or fear can also inhibit arousal.  If you’re too distracted by other things, you might keep talking yourself out of becoming aroused.  Calm down and relax and try again.  Try a different time, when you’re not so wound up.  If you’re afraid of being aroused, don’t be.  It doesn’t hurt.  Many, many people have become aroused (including many you know), without any ill effects.  You may enjoy it, if you give yourself permission to.
  • Thinking that your body is ugly or your genitals are gross or -ewww fluids-, or something along those lines can make you not want to be aroused.  So, on those notes, your body isn’t ugly, your genitals aren’t gross, and there are ways to avoid the fluids (which are easy to get rid of by washing your hands, anyway).
  • Some drugs and alcohol can turn arousal right off.  Getting drunk or high may end up leading to sex that wouldn’t have happened when sober, but that’s primarily because getting high or drunk tends to lower inhibitions, not because it makes you more likely to become aroused.  It’s well documented that alcohol consumption can lead to impotence.
  • Taking certain medications can reduce sexual arousal.  Two well known culprits are the birth control pill and anti-depressants, but they are by no means the only ones.  If you used to be able to get aroused, but you haven’t had as much luck since you started taking a new pill, tell your doctor about it.
  • Some physical conditions may make arousal difficult or painful.  If you think you may have one of these conditions, speak with your doctor.

What’s a libido?  Is it like arousal?

Libido is often called a “sex drive”.  It’s an urge to engage in some kind of sexual activity.  It’s primarily a mental thing.  Arousal, on the other hand, is a primarily physical thing, where the genitals wake up and get ready for some sort of sexual activity.  It’s possible to have a libido and not be aroused and it’s possible to be aroused without a libido, although, often if you have a libido, it will contribute to arousal and arousability.

Think of it this way:  The libido is when your genitals say “Hey!  Hey!  Down here!  Notice me!  I wanna do something!  Down here!  Hey!  Listen!” and generally nag you for attention.  Arousal is when your genitals physically react to something.  Either one can happen without the other, but if your genitals are nagging you, they’re also more likely to be reacting physically.

Not everyone has a libido.  If you’re perfectly fine without having a sex drive, then there’s nothing wrong with that.  However, if you used to have a libido and it’s suddenly disappeared, you may want to consult a doctor, as that could be a sign of a medical issue.

For some people, libido is a fairly constant background noise.  You may experience it to some extent all the time.  For others, it seems to come and go.  In particular, if you have a menstrual cycle, you may find that your libido acts up for a few days during part of the cycle, then quiets down until next month.

It is possible to ignore your libido and not engage in any kind of sexual activity, even though it wants you to do something.  It’s also possible to decide to engage in some kind of sexual activity, even without a libido encouraging you to do so.

Can asexuals have a libido?

Yes, aces can.  To many people, the concept is a bit strange.  How can an asexual have a “sex drive” and still be considered asexual?  The answer is that asexuality is about attraction, not action.  For non-asexual people, the libido often manifests in thoughts like “I’m horny and I would like to have sex with that person because I find them sexually attractive”, while for asexual people, it’s often more like “I’m horny and … uh, what now?”  It’s an undirected sex drive.  Their body is begging for sexual activity, but it’s not begging for it from a particular source.  In many cases, asexual people with a libido will resolve the issue by masturbating, but it’s also possible that they’ll have sex with a partner or even just ignore it and do nothing at all until it goes away.

On the other hand, many asexuals do not have a libido.  They never feel an innate urge to engage in sexual activity.  That doesn’t mean that they can’t engage in sexual activity (whether that be masturbation, partnered sex, or what have you), it just means that there’s never a compelling urge to do so.

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47 thoughts on “An Asexual’s Guide To … Arousal

  1. Just wanted to say thank you for this series, it’s amazingly informative. I feel like I’m finally learning all the stuff I would have figured out during puberty, if I had had any interest back then.

  2. Woo. Hurray for informative websites.

    It’s very helpful to fight bigotry when everyone has access to easy-to-understand reference work.

  3. Hi
    I’m trying to be an ally to one of my friends and this is the one part of asexuality I was never clear on since this friend is my significant other and sex is not something either of us are comfortable with yet. So, I just wanted to thank you for this :)

    • I’m asexual, my boyfriend is not. He’s been incredibly good with consent and boundaries and learning about asexuality and whatnot. People like you are the best!

      • yes I totally agree. I am also asexual and my boyfriend is not and he has been nothing but amazing about it. He does his research, he gives me time and space and cares about my feelings. Trust me people there’s someone out there for everyone and its people like you guys that make this world so amazing.

    • I agree! This is very helpful for me because I’m new to the asexual community and this answers all my questions, I’m no longer confused about what i identify as. Honestly thank you.

  4. thank you so SO much! it took 24 years for me to understand this and understand myself, and i’m so glad i finally looked this up. i was afraid of finding only misinformation and becoming even more confused, but this was a very helpful and refreshing read. everything just clicked and i feel like i know myself better now.

  5. Thank you so much. This makes so much sense to me now. I have been struggling to find out what is “wrong” with me or to understand how it is like for other people. I knew instantly that I have a high chance of being an asexual from the moment I heard about this concept but not only it is so confusing still but people don’t seem to listen to what I have to say about this.
    Thank you once again.

  6. this is all really helpfull :) i cant get turned on what so ever, iv went 2 my doctor about it but she just looked at me like i had 2 heads (no help there), she hadnt even hear of a-sexuality, this topic realy needs 2 b spread 2 more people then mayb it will actually b recognised

  7. Thank you! This series has been so so helpful. Having occasionally been aroused by someone and having never experienced libido your explanations really break it down further than any other websites do. I now have a much better understanding. Thank you!

  8. “I’m horny and … uh, what now?”

    this is the most perfect quote that applies to me right now. and i spent a good long time figuring out that yes, i am asexual, and yes, i can get damned horny, but no, i have no direction for it. i was googling it up just now to see if it’s a thing and still be asexual, and voila. this quote.

    • Same! I find plenty of people attractive but I don’t enjoy anything past kissing with them. I ‘get sexual desires, but can’t connect that with another person’. It’s confusing. I think after research is define myself as pan romantic and asexual, with sexual desires but my towards other people.

  9. I feel like I might be asexual but I’m not sure. I’ve felt aroused but never felt like acting on them and I sometimes didn’t know I was aroused until I’ve used the bathroom. I think I am but… I don’t know.

  10. Thank you so very much! I have always been kind of curious about what it actually means to be aroused, and have a libido, and all those words that I do sometimes hear and use but never really, properly understood. I could never actually figure them out during my 25 years of life, but now I feel like I finally get it, at least to some extent. Really, thanks!

  11. This is very helpful. I have been trying to write a book wherein an asexual (male) character is coerced into a sexual relationship with a (female) character. My protagonist has no sex drive at all (as well as no sexual attraction), and I got stuck wondering if that would inhibit his ability to become aroused and have sex, and also how that would affect him psychologically; if it turns out it’s impossible to be “hard” or have an orgasm without feeling pleasure from it, the way my character perceives the assault would have to be written differently–more complicated. This post clears that up. Now I can only hope that being an allosexual autistic virgin female doesn’t impair my ability to write for an asexual neurotypical male…

    • Wow! I have been trying to write a book too. It seems like a lot of aces use their time to write. My main character is also ace. I’m an ace female & so is my character. But she is willing to do more than me. I’m aro ace, so I’ve never been in a romantic relationship ever in my 39 years. Not even close. But my character has a boyfriend who is not asexual, so I hope I can write it well.

  12. Thanks a ton for this! I’ve been confused about several of the questions – in particular the questions regarding asexuality and libido – addressed on this page for quite a while now, and just reading this has let me feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin. Feeling confused about myself has been frustrating, so I’m extremely glad to have stumbled upon this page. It means a lot that you’ve taken the time to break things down this much – most sites give a very general overview and don’t answer these sorts of questions at all. But now I feel a bit more comfortable with identifying how I feel and why I do, so thanks!

  13. I wish they would teach this stuff in sex ed class. Even non-asexuals can find useful information here, especially if they’re just starting puberty. I was taught abstinence-only sex ed so a lot of details about sex and sexuality still confuse me. Mom doesn’t want me to learn more about it because she’s worried I’ll be grossed out and not want to do it.
    For the record, I’m asexual with a very low libido.

  14. Thank you kind and intelligent art writer.
    My girlfriend is sex repulsed and well I’m kinda a hyper active guy, so you can imagine when I was told about her being sex repulsed.
    May I say that this article is not only informative but also motivational.
    Thank you pervy sage!

  15. ……So about the arousal thing….what kind of doctor sure i talk to? Its kind of weird for me. When i was 9 pretty much anything set me off and i would masturbate like three time a day. Eventually i tried to ignore, and then i just didn’t feel aroused any more. Then as i got older and though hmm maybe i should try masturbating again….now i cant get turned on at all. Porn, touching, and not being stressed didn’t help.

  16. I just want to say thank you. I’ve been wondering lately, because I knew something was going on. I’d never been turned on before, and it was weird because I was just laying there, and suddenly boom. I was starting to worry that meant I wasn’t asexual. My family had told me it’s just a phase, not feeling attraction towards anyone, or that I might have something wrong. I know it has never happened directed at anyone, and it hadn’t then either. Now I realize yeah, I’m still an asexual. Probably was just sitting wrong…though, I gotta admit, while it was strange it wasn’t as unnerving as I thought it was at first. Hmmm…

  17. This is pretty helpful. A way to make ithe article more inclusive would be to refer to people who are assigned male at birth “amab” , and people assigned female at birth “afab.” This helps include transgender aces. A female can have a penis, and a male can have a vagina. The argument that “male” and “female” refer to “biological sex” does not hold water, because it disregards hormone replacement therapy and gender affirming surgery. Furthermore, nonbinary people exist, and may be interested in either hormones, surgery, both or neither. The typical “male”/”female” body dichotomy doesn’t work for a lot of people.

  18. I cannot thank you enough. I have guessed that I was asexual for quite a while, but thought it just couldn’t be because I am occassionally physically, romantically, and sexually attracted to people. I just never act on it (although I had sex before but never liked it. I do like cuddling and kissing, though, but in the past years I have never let it come to that because I feel like everyone expects this kind of physical/sensual contact to be a prelude to sex). When I do become aroused, I just feel a weird disconnect from my body and wonder why it is getting ready for something I really do not want to perform. Now I know that this is perfectly fine. Thanks again, this site just helped me so much to finally be comfortable with my sexual identity.

  19. I want to thank you all for your stories and responses, as I’m the sexual partner of an asexual/sexual relationship. It’s been 6 years, so don’t let people tell you others won’t understand. Not that it’s been easy, I’ve had a few moments of self doubt because I couldn’t understand how someone had no problem pleasuring me digitally (no physical or oral sex) and yet wanted nothing sexual in return. Not like most the relationships I was conditioned to, and this one started off with waiting and promising, and then understanding and finally accepting that when he says I do enough (cuddles, kissing, caressing), he means it. After reading numerous posts, have to trust that he’s happy pleasuring me – it’s our normal. We have sexuals, bi-sexuals, homosexuals, transgender, and let’s not forget swingers and those who are sex addicts, the media is obsessed with people’s sexual orientation and/or how others deem it moral or not, but you don’t hear much about asexuals. People don’t understand it, but it proves no ‘threat’ or hype to the media, so it’s almost unnoticed. I support all sexual orientations, although I’ve seen sex addiction ruin lives and feel for all involved. I approached our relationship with space. If he was homosexual, he wouldn’t be attracted to me. Bi, and he’d like both. Trans, still possible he’d like me. But he’s none of those, he’s asexual. And he’s loving and kind and worthy of understanding and acceptance, and in turn he gets pleasure out of understanding and accepting my needs – we haven’t had sex, but it’s the most intimate relationship I’ve ever been in. And I’m in my 40s with 2 children, well educated, self-employed and have lived/traveled around the world, so I’m not inexperienced or naive. Just the opposite, I think I finally learned that there’s more to intamacy than sex, and there’s other ways to receive pleasure. When we’re all older and sex isn’t a question or even an ability, it’s about respect and love for the person you are with that matters. We write the rules to our relationships, and some may agree to have sex with others (personally, not my thing), use toys, masterbate, what have you…but we’re all worthy of acceptance, including the sexual ones who chose to be in a relationship with an asexual. I’ve had friends become aquantinces due to their judgements and name calling, and in truth, I don’t miss them…life’s more fulfilling as is. I hope the best for all reading this, as I feel so blessed to have heard from some amazing people who have helped me understand asexuality better. Thank you. ❤️

  20. I’ve always thought it was because I was Ace that I couldn’t get turned on…. I’ve always wanted to and been open about it and even a little bit jealous of “normal” people
    I’ve hated it ever since I found out about asexuality but also glad

    I’ve brought it up to so many doctors but they just kept saying “you’re young”…… I’m an adult

    I think I finally might try harder to find out why I can’t get aroused. I especially want to just experience it, even if it’s just once.
    I also want to feel that special kind of love that partners have during it, I know that my partner has been sad ever since I came out to him….. He just wants to make me happy especially since I’m getting more and more stressed so much so that I have to go to a Chiropractor every fortnight

    If anyone has any tips or experiences in this please please tell me

  21. What if your not attracted to anyone or anything? How do you turn yourself on when you pretend to be straight and are going to have sex? What do you do?

  22. I’m 20 and I have only been attracted in every way to only one man I never liked porn at all and I never found anyone pretty or sexy or handsome in my life whst is this called I searched everything up and can’t find a name for what I am because A sexual doesn’t sound like also I know a guy who’s the same like me and he also doesn’t know and he hates porn and doesn’t think women are pretty besides discusting and he gets hard if he touches himself to anything he says it’s his hand that does it and that the people don’t and says he knows because if he doesn’t touch himself to porn he stays small so he assumes it’s his hand

  23. What if your body is telling you it wants sexual attention, but having sex with someone is painful or uncomfortable? Is the only option masturbation?

    • It might be the best option. I’m usually a quiet person, so I’ve never told anyone, but I was curious about that too. So. . . . I did that myself because I’m never attracted to anyone. Now I know, and I did like it.

  24. this is a realley good thing to for me to read , i am 36 and im asexual. as long as i can remeber it i have realley injoy layeng in my bed at nite and rub my private parts. i am woman. i never know that thare is a name for it masturbate – i allway thot of it as loveing myself . i sometimes will lisen 2 music that makes me feel deeply emotional or spiritual wehn i love myself sometimes ill will look at a picture of a special famouse singer to me and ill will cry out his name wen i come, i wont say his name out of respect for him . but i am totalley asexual i do not want to have sex with anyoen but i never have aney troubels coming wehn i rub my privates but toucheing my vagina or putting my finger in thare dont do anything for me onely if i rub my littl nub can i come- but the onely way i can come is if i get my littel nub realley wet with my spit on my finger and than rub inside me to get it more wet and then i rub it gentel and than i make my self stop a few times so wehn i fianlley come it feels so much good its a wonderfill feeleng but i am totally asexaual i just realley injoy masturbate and i hav for so manney years and i kno ill allways love to masturbate all my life it realley releif stress and anxiiety and it feels spiritual to me.

  25. Thank you so much! I was beginning to doubt myself and be confused about my identity because I became aroused with my partner.

  26. i had a gf several years ago,she wanted us in a romantic relationship,but treated me like a best friend,a few kiss,even few hug,reluctant sex,and so on.But we really loved each other,so I was confusing to hell.I am wondering now,maybe she is asexual,but Im still not sure.I didnt know these concept back then.She never said she was an asexual,I think she didnt know either.
    I check this website for myself,Im not sexual attractive to everyone since we broke up , is it possible someone’s sexual orientation could change?from a pansexual to asexual because a long time suffering?I always address myself as a pansexual, since all type of the sex and gender seems same to me …

    Or I am an asexual from the begining?I like kissing,cuddling,pleasuring her,but always dont like receiving,(yes I have orgasms,I still dont like receiving).Maybe we just two different type of asexual~maybe we just misunderstood
    each other,and missed ,because we knew nothing about this concept…

    Hoping this awesome website would be well-known in china one day.

    I am still confusing.not sure what I am.I think I am more likely an asexual.
    I will keep learning.

  27. Does arousal mean inly when you’re being physically intimate, or other times as well? I’ve had some small tingly feelings around people a few times. Once I even enjoyed thinking about kissing her, but when I got to know her and realized I didn’t like her, the minor interest vanished. Looking back on any time I was aroused by a real-life person, I almost always had to focus, trying to be and stay aroused. Twice I was aroused by people I would *very definitely* not want to sleep with even if I was allosexual, due to their physical proximity. This all has made me doubt my asexuality somewhat. I identify as aego gray-sexual and have never met a person I’d want to do more than kiss, and even that was like maybe once briefly.

  28. damn. I learned a lot with this. I think I am asexual and im still not sure but this article sure helped me a lot! thank you very much!!

  29. Thanks for this post, it is super helpful. However could you please revise so as to not gender body parts and make this more welcoming for trans, enby, and gnc folks? For instance instead of “the female body” say “bodies with x parts” etc. Gender and biology are not a binary. Thanks!

  30. Personally I’m not asexual but I was curious about this topic and this was super informative and I’m sure helpful for many people with questions about themselves. Even separated from asexuality a lot of the biological stuff should definitely be taught in health classes and sadly isn’t. Thank you so much for the info keep it up!

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